NationStates Jolt Archive


What news item do you want to see happen?

Infinite Revolution
01-10-2007, 13:56
American Military Disappears in Bermuda Triangle
H N Fiddlebottoms VIII
01-10-2007, 13:57
All governments simultaneously collapse and humanity is thrown into instant chaos. Then a rain of pancakes falls from the sky.

Hey, nobody said my news item had to be at all likely, its just my deepest hope for the future.
Edwinasia
01-10-2007, 13:58
What news item do you want to see happen?

Aliens landed their UFO on Times Square, New York.

And you?
Corneliu 2
01-10-2007, 14:02
Independence for Tibet and Taiwan.
Agerias
01-10-2007, 14:11
Man eaten by giant cobra, but uses a plastic spork to cut himself out of the giant before he can be digested, and then takes the giant cobra home and makes himself a giant cobra stew, but dies because he didn't make the water hot enough for the giant cobra's poison to lose it's lethality and instead of dying from being eaten by a giant cobra, he dies from eating a giant cobra. (Run on sentence, woot)

Oh, and Tibet independence, peace in the Middle East, democracy in North Korea, etc, etc,
Egg and chips
01-10-2007, 14:11
Labour passes "Free beer and kebabs for students" act.
Tech-gnosis
01-10-2007, 14:14
A post-scarcity economy is developed
Ruby City
01-10-2007, 14:20
Right now: Burma's regime has collapsed.
And then: Cure for aids discovered.

For fun: Secret EU commission meetings revealed to be dress up orgies! Surveillance tapes of top politicians doing it to pirated Pokemon music dressed up as cute furry animals circulate on the Internet.
Heikoku
01-10-2007, 14:20
A working method to alter reality through will (magick) has been found and scientifically proven.
Isidoor
01-10-2007, 14:25
most of these ones (http://newsbiscuit.com/) would be very cool if they actually happened.
Lunatic Goofballs
01-10-2007, 14:26
All governments simultaneously collapse and humanity is thrown into instant chaos. Then a rain of pancakes falls from the sky.

Hey, nobody said my news item had to be at all likely, its just my deepest hope for the future.

*hides pancake launcher* I'm bugged!!! :mad:
Khadgar
01-10-2007, 14:34
Habitable planet found, volunteers sought for colonization.
Rejistania
01-10-2007, 14:49
Mmmm, let's go by categories:

National: Pirate party of Germany gains enough votes to be in the Bundestag for the first time

Local: KVB reverts the changes to its metro network and schedules

Sports: Germany defends World cup title in 2014

International: Democratic revolution in China, new government cares about human rights

Business: Microsoft goes chapter 11

Odd news: pope renounces faith on deathbed, declares he never really believed in that jazz and was atheistic

Culture: All public funding for modern art, theater and opera stopped

And as special goodie:

Online rights: MPAA executives caught filesharing
Barringtonia
01-10-2007, 15:15
Labour passes "Free beer and kebabs for students" act.

There's a point on beer where your brain excels in remembering your PIN number despite all your best efforts to kill each and every brain cell yet immediately lets you down by deciding a kebab (extras pepper? yes please!) is the very thing to oil down your hazy beer-ness.

It's the irreducible argument against evolution - we could not have evolved to create kebabs if we have to be drunk in order to demand them, and therefore incapable of making them.

Chickens and eggs everyone, chickens and eggs.
Ifreann
01-10-2007, 15:21
Christ returns: Was a Pastafarian all along
Moleland 2
01-10-2007, 15:21
The British Army pull out of Iraq...

and Inheritence tax abolished.
Call to power
01-10-2007, 15:23
http://www.exitmundi.nl/exitmundi.htm

who says it has to be a good thing? :p
Moleland 2
01-10-2007, 15:25
http://www.exitmundi.nl/exitmundi.htm

who says it has to be a good thing? :p

Would you like to see the world end then?
Call to power
01-10-2007, 15:30
Would you like to see the world end then?

maybe just have a hoard of zombie rise up, its not my missions to protect the Earth I'm just want to have some fun
Ifreann
01-10-2007, 15:32
maybe just have a hoard of zombie rise up, its not my missions to protect the Earth I'm just want to have some fun

Zombie hordes would be my second choice. I already have a cunning plan for how to join without being eaten.
Barringtonia
01-10-2007, 15:34
maybe just have a hoard of zombie rise up, its not my missions to protect the Earth I'm just want to have some fun

Is it officially 'a horde of zombies'? Like 'a flock of sheep'.

What's the technical term here?
Moleland 2
01-10-2007, 15:34
Zombie hordes would be my second choice. I already have a cunning plan for how to join without being eaten.

Spill the beans then.
Edwinasia
01-10-2007, 15:38
Mmmm, let's go by categories:

National: Pirate party of Germany gains enough votes to be in the Bundestag for the first time

Local: KVB reverts the changes to its metro network and schedules

Sports: Germany defends World cup title in 2014

International: Democratic revolution in China, new government cares about human rights

Business: Microsoft goes chapter 11

Odd news: pope renounces faith on deathbed, declares he never really believed in that jazz and was atheistic

Culture: All public funding for modern art, theater and opera stopped

And as special goodie:

Online rights: MPAA executives caught filesharing

Football is a game that takes 90 minutes and in the end the Germans always win... :)

For culture, I would prefer next one:

The UN agreed to ban Paris Hilton and Britney Spears 'news'.
Any violator will be attacked by nukes within 45 minutes.
Moleland 2
01-10-2007, 15:41
<snippy>
The UN agreed to ban Paris Hilton and Britney Spears 'news'.
Any violator will be attacked by nukes within 45 minutes.

Ditto :D
Lunatic Goofballs
01-10-2007, 15:41
Football is a game that takes 90 minutes and in the end the Germans always win... :)

For culture, I would prefer next one:

The UN agreed to ban Paris Hilton and Britney Spears 'news'.
Any violator will be attacked by nukes within 45 minutes.

What about Brazil?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2aP-3C5a7dk

:)
Risottia
01-10-2007, 15:42
Silvio Berlusconi sentenced for mafia links and corruption
Giulio Andreotti sentenced for mafia links and cover-ups of crimes
Cardinal Angelo Bagnasco sentenced for being a total moron
George Walker Texas Power Ranger Bush sentenced for warmongering
Tony Blair sentenced for idiotic smiling
Vladimir Putin executed at Ekaterinburg
Risottia
01-10-2007, 15:45
Football is a game that takes 90 minutes and in the end the Germans always win... :)


No they don't. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pNf4Dx3elb4
:cool:
Edwinasia
01-10-2007, 15:45
What about Brazil?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2aP-3C5a7dk

:)

I like Brazil, but I did not forget that they needed the referee at the WC in Japan to beat my beloved Belgium.
Ifreann
01-10-2007, 15:51
Is it officially 'a horde of zombies'? Like 'a flock of sheep'.

What's the technical term here?
Horde.
Spill the beans then.

I tell you this and more in my new DVD. Only 29.95, plus shipping.
Moleland 2
01-10-2007, 15:54
Horde.


I tell you this and more in my new DVD. Only 29.95, plus shipping.

29.95 what? £? $? €?
Barringtonia
01-10-2007, 15:56
29.95 what? £? $? €?

If you have to ask, you can't afford it *wags finger*
Moleland 2
01-10-2007, 15:58
If you have to ask, you can't afford it *wags finger*

:(
Anti-Social Darwinism
01-10-2007, 16:05
Osama bin Laden Apologizes for WTC, Calls for Cessation of Hostilities - Muslims lay down guns. Americans Come Home.

Bush Steps Down, Cheney Refuses Presidency.

Hillary, Obama Decide Not to Run.

Colin Powell Runs for President.

All headlines I'd love to see.
Extreme Ironing
01-10-2007, 16:20
most of these ones (http://newsbiscuit.com/) would be very cool if they actually happened.

This is true. A great website that is.
Extreme Ironing
01-10-2007, 16:23
"Thread creator remains at top of thread in Jolt-server-synchronisation shocker".

"Canine-supremacist conspiracy theorists proved correct: George W. Bush is under control of his 'pet' dogs. Rampant speculation that this has been going on for centuries across multiple governments".
Ifreann
01-10-2007, 16:24
29.95 what? £? $? €?

% of the value of your soul.
Moleland 2
01-10-2007, 16:35
% of the value of your soul.

Bargin :D
The blessed Chris
01-10-2007, 17:28
Government reverses Tuition fees, and intelligently sees the stupidity of allowing every Joe average to study "(insert joke topic here) studies" for three years and hence devalue academic degrees.

That or Tony Blair is convicted of War Crimes. That would be a laugh.
The Coral Islands
01-10-2007, 17:48
'Personal automobiles banned in downtown Ottawa, pedestrian utopia ensues'

'Leap Day declared a statutory holiday'

'Green Party forms a minority government after Ontario general election'

Hmm... What else... Well, it would be funky to see a marriage announcement for me in the paper, particularly if it was the first time I heard that I was somehow engaged. It could be as on a sitcom, with folks at the office congratulating me and me gilbly smiling and anxiously trying to figure out the occasion. Then again, maybe just an article about me saving a baby panda from a burning apartment building (Although I hope not my building) would do.
Kryozerkia
01-10-2007, 17:51
SUVs are deemed a threat to national security and are subsequently banned.
Harper admits to being a closet homosexual and only wanted to outlaw gay marriage to get back at his ex-boyfriend
Reality TV shows deemed bad for our nation's health and banned from ever being aired
Ontario's MPPs reverse their last salary raise and introduce a higher minimum wage
Muravyets
01-10-2007, 17:54
Bush, Cheny convicted of war crimes, sentenced to multiple life terms. Prosecutors plan additional indictments on corruption charges.

Remains found in Pakistan cave confirmed to be bin Laden. Autopsy reveals he died two years ago of kidney failure.

In related news: Al Qaeda network in shambles. Confirmed death of charismatic leader causes widespread splintering of terrorist groups. Terror recruitment plummets as nations crack down.

Pharmaceutical giants put humanity before profits to deliver much needed AIDS medicines to Africa without charge. Says industry spokesman: "It turns out baldness cures, breast enlargements, and penis stiffeners more than pay for the cost of treating every man, woman and child in Africa against HIV infection."
Mirkana
01-10-2007, 18:30
International News:

Osama bin Laden found dead in a cave in Afghanistan. Videotape confirms that he committed suicide.

Israeli PM Olmert resigns under public pressure, is replaced by Tzipi Livni.

Hamas moderates launch a coup in Gaza, agree to recognize Israel provided Israel lifts commerce restrictions on Gaza. Israel agrees.

After Starbucks opens up across the street from the Iraqi parliament, Iraqi government starts getting things done. Deadlock determined to be caused by a lack of caffiene.

Lebanese military drives out Hezbollah.

In Russia, Vladimir Putin's handpicked successor is trounced at the polls, after the Other Russia party named Garry Kasparov as their candidate.

Ahmadinejad is declared legally insane, and is placed in institutional care by the Iranian Ministry of Health.

Chinese students and farmers announce demonstration in Tianmen Square. Chinese government sends troops to break up the demonstrators. Chinese students and farmers storm the Forbidden City instead, overthrowing the Chinese government. Media captures videos of Chinese troops with "WTF?" expressions on their faces.

Kim Jong-Il assassinated by his own generals. Generals then initiate reconciliation with the South.

Mufti of Cairo declares a jihad against the janjaweed in Darfur.

National:
Phelps outed as a closet homosexual paedophile. Westboro Baptist Church collapses.

Sports News:
Mariners win the World Series.

Science:
Effective HIV vaccine developed.

Higgs Boson discovered. Physicists all around the world throw gigantic party.

Entertainment:
Survivor, American Idol canceled. Firefly, Commander In Chief go back on air.

Heroes sweeps the Emmys.

Halo movie is confirmed to be in production, with Peter Jackson directing.

Odd News:
Christian nutjobs attempt to storm Wizards of the Coast HQ in Renton, WA, are conclusively defeated by armed nerds.
Saige Dragon
01-10-2007, 20:33
Some crazy guy in northen Canada is declared "King Of The World For All Eternity Because He's The King Of The World and He Can Do That... And You Can't Stop Him Because Well He's The King Of The World, Free Donuts For Everyone." Or "KOTWFAEBHTKOTWAHCDTAYCSHBWHTKOTWFDFE" for short. He happens to go by the internet alter ego "Saige Dragon".

All hail the great KOTWFAEBHTKOTWAHCDTAYCSHBWHTKOTWFDFE!
Bann-ed
01-10-2007, 20:40
Humanity: The Elaborate Hoax Revealed!
Wilgrove
01-10-2007, 21:09
Headlines I'd like to see

Libertarian radio talk show host Neal Boortz win the Presidency!

Libertarian majority wins in both House and Senate

Fair Tax plan implemented, sends USA into second Golden Age!

Democratic party admits that they are frauds and never really believed in 'helping the little guy'.

Republican Party admits that they manipulated and lied to their religious base, most of them to be either Agnostic, Atheist, or Pagan!

Middle East get wipes out after Iran lobs a nuke to Israel, United States actually stay out of it. World Peace at last

Cure for AIDs found!

Wilgrove actually gets married, to a woman, who was born a woman!
Bann-ed
01-10-2007, 21:11
Wilgrove actually gets married, to a woman, who was born a woman!

:eek: Have you had problems with this in the past?
New Genoa
01-10-2007, 21:48
Castro and Chavez Dead in Brutal Murder-Suicide

Kim Jong Il assassinated, millions celebrate

Bin Laden Found Dead -- Botched Beheading Leaves the Charismatic Terrorist Lying in Pieces

US Census -- Christianity now a 'dead' religion

Republicans stop bullshitting with global warming, agree to do something useful.

Democrats expel Hillary from party, tell her to fuck off.

BoSox contracted; suicide rates in Massachusetts skyrocket.

Rockies win the pennant.

Packers win the Super Bowl. Favre named Greatest Person in the Universe.

Full-Frontal Nudity Legalized

Social conservatism on the downfall? Experts say yes.

And tons more.
Wilgrove
01-10-2007, 21:57
:eek: Have you had problems with this in the past?

I just have trouble with women in general lol.
Bann-ed
01-10-2007, 22:06
I just have trouble with women in general lol.

Join the rest of Humanity. :p