NationStates Jolt Archive

Ok, my first time so I'm looking for guidance:

I have an ex still wants to be friends afterwards, instead of the normal screaming, assault, and destruction of personal property that usually happens to me after a breakup.

Now, I began (stupidly) treating her like I do all my other friends. You know, insulting, demeaning, ego-busting, ball-breaking cut downs 24/7. Apparently, this was the wrong move.

So, your friends who are exes, how do you handle that?

Get some space first.
Make sure you've both let go of the relationship.
Then be friends.

Get some space first.
Make sure you've both let go of the relationship.
Then be friends.

^ that.

Usually takes a looooooooooooooooong time and a new partner for each of you (rebounds don't count) and still doesn't work out in most cases - not least because, more often than not, once you're really over each other you realize that you have no desire to be friends after all. ;)

Get some space first.
Make sure you've both let go of the relationship.
Then be friends.

Fuck that. If you can't be friends with her like you are with your other friends, then you can't be yourself around her, and you aren't friends at all either way.

9/10 if a girl suggests being "just friends", it's not for an altruistic purpose such as her being interested in you as a person and wanting to remain close to you, rather, she doesn't want to feel bad about the way the relationship ended. It's an excuse, a cop-out.

If she complains of the way you treat her, then tell her that's how you treat your friends. If she can't handle it, tell her she can't be your friend. Simple.



That's the right answer. If anyone gives any answer other than this, it is the wrong, bullshit answer. Do not fool yourself. Sometimes the simplest and harshest answer is the best one.

I don't. None of my exes are friends of mine.

All my exes live in Texas, and all my rowdy friends have settled down.

So, your friends who are exes, how do you handle that?
I don't. None of my exes are friends of mine.

It depends on how the relationship ended, how emotionally involved you both were, how intimate you were. I mean if you were just screwing around and not particularly serious it's pretty easy to become friends afterward. If you were serious but annoyed each other to death, probably somewhat harder.

Ok, my first time so I'm looking for guidance:

I have an ex still wants to be friends afterwards, instead of the normal screaming, assault, and destruction of personal property that usually happens to me after a breakup.

Now, I began (stupidly) treating her like I do all my other friends. You know, insulting, demeaning, ego-busting, ball-breaking cut downs 24/7. Apparently, this was the wrong move.

So, your friends who are exes, how do you handle that?

Shit yeah all of my exes are still my friends. How do I treat them? Like my freinds.

Ok, my first time so I'm looking for guidance:

I have an ex still wants to be friends afterwards, instead of the normal screaming, assault, and destruction of personal property that usually happens to me after a breakup.

Now, I began (stupidly) treating her like I do all my other friends. You know, insulting, demeaning, ego-busting, ball-breaking cut downs 24/7. Apparently, this was the wrong move.

So, your friends who are exes, how do you handle that? You don't, tell her to fuck off. As you have seen, she isn't interested in being your 'friend' she just wants to bargain away her losses in the breakup.

Good work though. I like the idea of *actually* giving her what she asked for then letting her squirm. But seriously, if she doesn't cut the shit, tell her to piss off (just like you would one of you friends). Treating her special sends her the complete wrong message.

Ive stayed friends with almost all of my ex-gfs.

And right this very moment, i put my foot in my mouth by making a comment while IMing about a couple of ex-gfs which i forgot could very well apply to her (and actually in a lesser statement actually does). but its ok, were friends so she doesnt take offence.

anyway...

these are not just the same as your other friends - you do have to keep your history in mind when talking to them. You have been far more intimate with them than with others. just be cognizant about how your words are going to have more impact with them than with other friends (because youre inside their armor so to speak).

really... when dating someone you should still be able to joke around with them, so its not like it should be that much of a difference. perhaps youre just dating very fragile people, or youre just being an insensitive asshole. could go either way without firsthand knowledge.

oh yeah - the rule of thumb is have no contact for about 6 months or half the length of the relationship (whichever is longer) before trying to be friends, or there is still too much of an emotional connection. trying to be friends within that period is not advisable because its likely an attempt to emotionally cling to a little bit of the relationship (could be totally subconsciously).

I'm not friends properly with any of my exes, which is a real shame - especially with the last one - cos there was scope for being decent friends before we started messing around. Still, tears me up seeing the latest one with her new bf, probably cos they've got more now than we ever had :p I might try this whole distance thing for a bit - I mean, we've both tried our own stunted attempts at talking to each other but it feels awkward as fuck. I actually avoided her when we happened to both be randomly back at uni the other day so little did I want to see her, which sounds odd considering we got on so well before. Sort of.

Now, I began (stupidly) treating her like I do all my other friends. You know, insulting, demeaning, ego-busting, ball-breaking cut downs 24/7. Apparently, this was the wrong move.

So, your friends who are exes, how do you handle that?

Okay, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that it's fine to be friends, but maybe you should censor yourself a little bit. We all have different kinds of friends, and I know that some of my friends respond better to that sort of thing than others.

It's doubly worse because you were so recently close intimate partners, so she may think that you really don't like or respect her and were just holding back all that time. So she can get her feelings hurt.

Depends on the ex. Some I really didn't want to keep in touch with, and didn't really care for all that much when we were shagging. Others started as friends before we started shagging, and in most cases, I've kept in touch. However, over time, as you move apart anyway, those relationships sort of fade. Except for the occasional friend that you occasionally continue to shag.

I don't. None of my exes are friends of mine.ditto.

.. instead of the normal screaming, assault, and destruction of personal property that usually happens to me after a breakup.I forgot to ask.. what is your gender?

whatever you are.. you are a victim.
If you do not respect yourself.. you cant expect your boyfriend/girlfriend to respect you.

ditto.

Frankly...seeing how someone treats their ex is a good indication to me as to whether they are actually good relationship material. If someone slag their ex constantly, and is a total ass to him or her...why on earth would I want to get together with someone like that? Clearly they lack emotional maturity.

I don't have exes, I have lawsuits.

Looks like I should be somewhat thankful not to have any exes. :p No progeny to pay for, and no nasty rumors being spread - can't beat that. :)

Ok, my first time so I'm looking for guidance:

I have an ex still wants to be friends afterwards, instead of the normal screaming, assault, and destruction of personal property that usually happens to me after a breakup.

Now, I began (stupidly) treating her like I do all my other friends. You know, insulting, demeaning, ego-busting, ball-breaking cut downs 24/7. Apparently, this was the wrong move.

So, your friends who are exes, how do you handle that?

Okay, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that it's fine to be friends, but maybe you should censor yourself a little bit. We all have different kinds of friends, and I know that some of my friends respond better to that sort of thing than others.

It's doubly worse because you were so recently close intimate partners, so she may think that you really don't like or respect her and were just holding back all that time. So she can get her feelings hurt.

I've got friends I can make the foulest jokes with, but not everyone can handle my extreme sense of humour. If I didn't exercise a degree of restraint, I'd have exactly four friends.
But of those four friends who can handle anything that comes out of my mouth, one is an ex from about ten years ago.

Question for you: were you "insulting, demeaning, ego-busting, ball-breaking cut downs 24/7" with her when you were an item? If so then she's full of shit. But if not and she's not used to that aspect of you, then she's confused as to whether you're being 'friendly' or hostile/bitter.

I'm assuming you're male and the ex is female, obviously.

Ok, my first time so I'm looking for guidance:

I have an ex still wants to be friends afterwards, instead of the normal screaming, assault, and destruction of personal property that usually happens to me after a breakup.

Now, I began (stupidly) treating her like I do all my other friends. You know, insulting, demeaning, ego-busting, ball-breaking cut downs 24/7. Apparently, this was the wrong move.

So, your friends who are exes, how do you handle that?

Two of my exes are friends, two more I don't talk to a lot, one mostly because whenever I talk to her online it sometimes ends in talking dirty, one wanted to have sex after breaking up with me though I ended up refusing, and one doesn't talk to me. Those are all my exes I can remember.

Ok, my first time so I'm looking for guidance:

I have an ex still wants to be friends afterwards, instead of the normal screaming, assault, and destruction of personal property that usually happens to me after a breakup.

Wait...that's normal? :eek: :p

Now, I began (stupidly) treating her like I do all my other friends. You know, insulting, demeaning, ego-busting, ball-breaking cut downs 24/7. Apparently, this was the wrong move.

Not IMO, at least not if that is truly how you interact with other friends.

There is a time issue involved...such a shift in a short time would probably confuse her. If she expected special treatment after the breakup, however, then she's really got noone to blame but herself. She had to have seen you interacting with other friends before, and she had to know that putting herself back into the "friend" category would invite such a response.

So, your friends who are exes, how do you handle that?

There are two that I still run into on occasion...we get along fine.

There's one that moved, and I haven't heard from in a couple of years.

Then there's the liar. I have no desire to see or speak to her ever again.

All my exes live in Texas, and all my rowdy friends have settled down.

sounds like the first line of a country and western song!

It's certainly possible, just don't expect miracles. You'll need time apart, preferably without any kind of communication - say a minimum of six months. It also helps if you have a new, serious relationship in the interim. Then, you'll be able to see each other based upon your shared interests.

You'll never be a close friend, though.

I don't have exes, I have restraining orders.
Fixed for clarity :p