NationStates Jolt Archive

Yes, it's non-political....and no, it's not a joke thread. It's serious.
So...I was wondering, are any of your involved in a long-distance relationship? Does it work? To those of you who arn't, do you think it would work? I'm just wondering because there is a Swiss girl who I like very much and the feeling is mutual. Just wondering. Do you guys have any suggestions or stories about long-distance relationships?

They can work, but it's more difficult than a relationship where the people are in closer proximity.

It can work, depending on the people and how much they're willing to put into it. I think it helps if there are plans (and a time-line of some sort) for when the relationship will cease to be long-distance).

I've had two experiences with somewhat long-distance relationships (2-5 hours away). One went badly. The other guy is my husband. =)

And my adviser actually carries on a long-distance marriage. He teaches in California. She teaches in Georgia. They seem to work it out quite well.

i'm haven't but i think they can work, for a time at least. one of my friends was in one for nearly 4 years. she called it off in the end because there was just no way they could be in the same country without a whole heap of sacrifices for at least another 5 years, without getting married for a visa that is.

I've been in one that worked (well, it didn't fall apart for distance-related reasons at least) and I just avoided starting one... I also have a number of friends who are/were in long distance relationships... and they can work if you work at them, but then sometimes they don't. If you care about someone and really want to go for it, then go for it. Just be prepared for a huge hassle.

A warning to any who consider one: it is by far much easier to manipulate and lie to people/be manipulated and lied to if you are in a long-distance relationship. Trust me. I know from three year's worth of experience in being used.

A warning to any who consider one: it is by far much easier to be manipulated and lied to if you are in a long-distance relationship.

QFT.

:(

to work, a long distance relationship has to be based in real life. you cant start and keep a relationship with someone in switzerland without spending lots of time together in person.

even then, it has to be a temporary thing. it makes no sense to go years being apart. it makes no sense to plan a life where you see each other only now and then. its not worth the trouble.

I was in an online relationship once. Sure, we broke up eventually, but that wasn't because of the distance -- it was because of a [long line of sanity-blasting epithets that the mods would never let me type here] who wanted to date me and decided the best way to do so was lying to my girlfriend until she dumped me. Now she (the traitorous one, not my innocent girlfriend) is banned from every place where I have the power to do so and is on perma-ignore.

I live with my fiance only 3 months out of a year. The other 9 is long distance and it works fine.

My wife and I lived several hundred miles apart before we married (25 years ago). That was when phone calls cost 15 cents per minute and wages were much less. No e-mail or IM. We wrote letters most every day.

In many ways it was better than living close because sex can cover many disagreements. Depending on other means of communication forced discussion of beliefs and disbeliefs, cares and dreams, likes and dislikes. Those are much more important than sex.

In the end (advice from an old man) the important thing is to marry your best friend. A person that you have no real secrets from. A person with which you can discuss anything.

There's an old saying "Kissing don't last, cooking do." I would change that to "Lustful sex don't last, friendship do". That's not to say sex ends--Thank God it doesn't. But it isn't the "Wham, Bam, Thank you Ma'am" thing of youth. It's more a 2-3 hour session of caressing and talking and sharing before the "final act". That's hard to do if you aren't with your best friend.

I had one. It didn't work.

AI, I thought you promised us you'd stay away all summer. Breach of contract? I did rely on it...I'm sure I could rustle up some consideration somewhere... :P

I was in one for six years, still am partially it works but it is really difficult. and sometimes think would be much easier for the both of us if we hadnt gotten involved. (thus the partially) Dont think i would ever do it again too hard of the heart.

Was in a couple of them due to my traveling at the time. The first one I ended up moving to the UK for a year to keep it going. We went out for a total of two years. After we parted ways I ended up in another by accident again. Met a gal while on vacation and visited her about 2 months out of a total year. Worked out because when I was not with her on vacation I was working 12 hours a day. Kept me out of trouble to say the least. That one ended up in a marriage that has worked out well for the most part. Have a couple of kids and live happily ever after.

I had one that kinda worked, but only because her father worked for an airline so she got $20 flights whenever she wanted, thus we were able to see each other fairly often.

It's happened twice more since then, both times starting out together, both times with her moving away for work, both ended because she started seeing a local "who could actually be there" (to quote one of 'em), as though it was somehow my fault we were long-distance!

Not willing to put myself through that crap again. No way, no how.

to work, a long distance relationship has to be based in real life. you cant start and keep a relationship with someone in switzerland without spending lots of time together in person.
Yes you can.

even then, it has to be a temporary thing. it makes no sense to go years being apart. it makes no sense to plan a life where you see each other only now and then. its not worth the trouble.
My present wife and I met online in 2001, met twice in 2002, once in 2004, and got married in 2006 in the US. After going through the immigration process for 10 months, she finally arrived here in March of this year.

oh, and it was worth ALL the trouble :)

I had one in a sense for a while back and forth. My best friend is currently in one and I know several people who have either been in one and made it work so far or have been in one and made it work for a lengthy amount of time.

Honestly, long distance relationships work no differently than any other relationship. If a long distance relationshp lasts 2 years how is that any different from your brother dating someone for two years or have any less of an outcome than your best friend's six month relationship?

I think if both parties dedicate a part of themselives, their finances, time, and space to each other by sceduling certain points where both will meet between set periods then it's bound to strech at least a year into the making. I think it's a huge help if you and the other person involved don't have an epic social life that may introduce paranoia or distractions or that you both have a proportionate lifestyle to balance things out, and if one of you have your own place to stay. If you're under the age of 18 then forget it.

i'm in one that started from this very forum, as many of you may remember :)

i say it can work, but it takes a lot of effort - not just physically (ie travelling as often as possible) but emotionally, too. i guess you have to believe it'll work out, and as some people have said, have some kind of timeline so you can look forward to being together properly in the future.

that said, my 'long distance' relationship's SO only lives in the next county in england... about 1.5 to 2 hours away. i should think that's a fair bit easier than ones crossing international borders, but i think the basics still apply. we've been seeing each other for 1 1/2 years next week, and have been involved without seeing each other for probably over 2 years by now :) just another year to go before she'll be moving near me to go to uni - yay! :)

I've been in two, and just about to change the second from long-distance to full-time :)
The first one fell apart, althought not due to the distance.. I think it was in fact the distance that allowed it to continue on for so long.

I think long-distance relationships have about the same failure rates as "normal" relationships. It always depends on how dedicated both partners are.

I don't consider people who live 2 hours away to be long distance. If I can see them once a week, then it's not long distance. Long distance is say... someone from Boston seeing someone from Miami or Los Angelas, not someone from Portland, Maine dating someone from Providence, Rhode Island.

I don't consider people who live 2 hours away to be long distance. If I can see them once a week, then it's not long distance. Long distance is say... someone from Boston seeing someone from Miami or Los Angelas, not someone from Portland, Maine dating someone from Providence, Rhode Island.

when your country (island) is about 10 hours tip-to-toe, i think the definition changes slightly ;)

its interesting, y'know. there was some report out recently that said the average brit spends just 6 hours a week with their SO. that totally astounded me.... glitzi and i work our weeks out so we can spend the weekends together as much as possible, which means despite being "long distance" (ish... for this country), we probably see each other more than many married people in this country do :p

May work, but sucks. Stay away at all costs. 'nuff said.

May work, but sucks. Stay away at all costs. 'nuff said.

Why? Mine turned out wonderful, I'm moving to be with him this very weekend, PM and Glitzi have a started a beautiful relationship as long-distance, and Carisbrooke met her husband online and had a long-distance relationship with him before he moved to the UK. What sucks about that?

Depends on your situation. If you are fairly young and neither has the money/opportunity to travel, it will be very difficult. If you do have the opportunity to see each other once in a while, then it can work out nicely.

Yes, it's non-political....and no, it's not a joke thread. It's serious.
So...I was wondering, are any of your involved in a long-distance relationship? Does it work? To those of you who arn't, do you think it would work? I'm just wondering because there is a Swiss girl who I like very much and the feeling is mutual. Just wondering. Do you guys have any suggestions or stories about long-distance relationships?
My partner and I were in a long-distance relationship for two years. I was in DC, he was in Los Angeles.

We'd dated for two years before that, so our relationship had some solid foundation, but it was still a bit of a trial to do the long-distance thing. One thing that helped was that we were both in grad school and therefore having lots of stress and lots of work to keep us distracted.

Still, it just generally sucked, because we only got to see each other for a total of like one month each year. That's no fun. We took up MMOs to play together, and got webcams to see each other, and talked on the phone/internet a lot, but it still sucked.

Happily, we moved in together last summer. So yes, a relationship can survive the long-distance thing. :D

Thanks guys. Interesting stories and opinions, I appreaciate them all. :)

She may visit me in a month or so when I'm at University, and I'll be going back to Switzerland for Christmas break...so we'll see each other there...but I'm not sure if I'm gonna do that actual "relationship" thing....more like we'll be together when we are together, and when we're not...we wont.

Or something like that, I dunno I'm thinking out loud.

AI, I thought you promised us you'd stay away all summer. Breach of contract? I did rely on it...I'm sure I could rustle up some consideration somewhere... :P
I did stay away for the summer, but I just arrived back in America (this past weekend), so now I'm back in NS and nothing you say or do will get rid of me. :p;)

I did stay away for the summer, but I just arrived back in America (this past weekend), so now I'm back in NS and nothing you say or do will get rid of me. :p;)

Careful, she might view that as a challenge... :p

Yeah, they can work; I've been in a long-distance relationship for two and a half years. And they can have their advantages; you don't wind up like those insular couples who desperately try to pretend they're not two individual people any more, and you get plenty of time where your partner isn't around, so you can still do the individual things you both enjoy, and you don't get on each other's nerves as easily.

It probably wouldn't work if you were desperately possessive and constantly scared your partner was off seeing other people whenever you couldn't keep your beady little eyes on them.

The 'phone calls can mount up, though.

Careful, she might view that as a challenge... :p
Then let the games begin!
Hey Neesika, here's thinking of you.:p
http://img518.imageshack.us/img518/7169/catli9.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

They can work but both people have to work at it. I have been in two long distance relationships. The first one fell apart because I got sick of putting forth all the effort (having to call, email, go visit him, etc.), the other one is my husband now. I am home for the summer with him in Germany, but I have to go back to UK in September for the final year of my PhD. I miss him a lot when we are away, but we phone every night, he writes me love letters and we make an effort to see each other as much as we can. It is a lot more work than a relationship when you live in the same city, but if you are really in love, I think it is more than worth the effort.

I've been in two - the first actually worked better as a long-distance relationship. Dated for 6 years, the first 5 of which were spent at least 3 hours apart. Last year we were in the same town. Quickly discovered there was only so much of each other we could tolerate.

Second one was a short term long-distance. Met through a mutual friend, dated for a few months (her in Ohio, me in Alabama). She moved in back in December, and we got married in June.

They can work. My old Maths teacher worked and lived in Manchester...her husband lived in Nigeria. They seemed to manage.

I was sort of in one. I met my boyfriend in Manchester, a couple of weeks later he moved to Portsmouth. A few months in I was considering ending it because it seemed pointless that I never got to see him. Luckily he decided Manchester was better than Portsmouth and came back :D

How are you supposed to have sex at a distance?

How are you supposed to have sex at a distance?
*Aims webcam at RO*

How are you supposed to have sex at a distance?

Well you can get those vibrators that plug into your mobile phone.... :p

Yes, it's non-political....and no, it's not a joke thread. It's serious.
So...I was wondering, are any of your involved in a long-distance relationship? Does it work? To those of you who arn't, do you think it would work? I'm just wondering because there is a Swiss girl who I like very much and the feeling is mutual. Just wondering. Do you guys have any suggestions or stories about long-distance relationships?
Long distance relationships.. ahhh. Let me see, allow me to start that I voted 'they don't work', because this is usually the case, though I have personally been in one that has (and half a dozen that haven't). The only way to make a long-distance relationship work is to have a hard and fast goal of when it will be over, (i.e. to not define the relationship by the fact that you are apart, and rather consider yourself part of an ordinary relationship that is temporarily stretched).

Otherwise it will inevitably fall to shit. Too much frustration, pain, and isolation. Too little communication, affection, and ultimately motivation.

It can work, depending on the people and how much they're willing to put into it. I think it helps if there are plans (and a time-line of some sort) for when the relationship will cease to be long-distance). It is essential.

*Aims webcam at RO*

Yeah, I've seen you on YouTube, Bottle. That's what happens when you use your webcam like that.

May work, but sucks. Stay away at all costs. 'nuff said.

Yeah, thats another point, it actually really sucks.

Yeah, I've seen you on YouTube, Bottle. That's what happens when you use your webcam like that.
That was bottle?!

Seriously though, Atlantian, if she is just some young hot fling, go for it, and cheat on her (so to speak). It isn't worth taking seriously, and you couldn't possibly get busted. Just do the online relationship thing with her, and don't restrict yourself in RL. That way you get exclusive access to swiss webcam porn in addition to any other daily adventures. If she is progressively minded, be open to her about it.

That was bottle?!

I think so...

That was bottle?!
In my defense, what happened in that sauna was supposed to be a private matter that would stay between me, the trapeze artist, and his video camera.

In my defense, what happened in that sauna was supposed to be a private matter that would stay between me, the trapeze artist, and his video camera.

Nothing to defend, it was quite extraordinary.

In my defense, what happened in that sauna was supposed to be a private matter that would stay between me, the trapeze artist, and his video camera.

I want to know what you were doing to the dwarf...

I want to know what you were doing to the dwarf...
If it's wrong to drink cheap champagne from the navel of a Little Person, then baby I don't wanna be right.

Not gonna read the thread, because I'm a dick. That being said, I was in a long-distance relationship for four years. I live in VA - she lived in NC, then PA, then Hawaii. Then two years ago, she moved in with me when I moved out of my parents' house.

I love her more than anything. A couple months ago, we broke up, but we're still living together until the lease runs out in October. She's already with someone else - another long-distance relationship, with someone who happens to be one of my online friends from Arizona. They play WoW together. Her computer is in the bedroom, right in front of my bed - we sleep in separate beds now - and she doesn't go to work until 1PM, so she stays up until 4AM playing with him. Now I can't sleep in my own bed, and I have a hard time sleeping at all - while in my bed I hear the sounds of them leveling and questing together, it grinds on my heart to know she's telling him she loves him. I've taken to sleeping on the couch, but usually I end up staying up watching TV all night trying to keep my mind busy on other things. I don't sleep very often, and when I do I have terrible dreams and wake up in a cold, drenching sweat. Even during the day, as soon as she gets home, she's on MSN talking to him, and it takes all I have to stop torturing myself with what they might be saying to eachother. When she closes the bedroom door, I know she's talking with him on her cell phone, and it kills me to think of her talking to him the way she used to talk to me. Sometimes she falls asleep on the phone with him, the way she did with me. It kills me.

I've considered asking her to not spend so much time on the computer or phone when I'm there, but I'd consider that to be ridiculous, and wouldn't expect her to actually agree, and even if she did I'd feel terrible about it. So I shove it down and hold my tongue. She asks how I'm doing, and I keep a straight face when I tell her I'm okay.

I love her more than anything. I've been able to say that for six years. When you're 20, six years is a good chunk of your existence to dedicate to just one person - she's the reason I'm the person I am today. I can't imagine what would've happened to me without her, and I'm very fuzzy on what my life will be like with her gone.


This is just one long-distance relationship. I'm not sure if you'd consider it an example of a good one or a bad one, so take from it what you will. I can't even say I wish it hadn't happened.

Just keep in mind that someone can come out of nowhere and take you by surprise, and change your life. The long-distance part of the relationship is just practice for, if you get that far, the close-distance part. It's terrible practice, though, and no matter how long or how well it goes on the long-range, it tells you nothing about how it'll be once you're physically together.

I think it's much harder to forget and let go of someone you've been with when it was long-distance to begin with, because for that time it's all mental, and can be just as and even more emotional than a relationship with a physical aspect. You can get trapped.

*shrugs* Be careful, but I suppose you should do what your heart tells you to. It's more often than not, being retarded, and will get you hurt, but the consequences of ignoring it could be worse than those of if you'd followed it.

Long distance relationships can work quite well. I'm currently in year 4 of one that spent it's first 9 months completely online. Two pieces of advice: 1) Complete honesty! As soon as you do meet, you're going to know the truth anyhow. If you're not completely honest, you immediately brand yourselves liars and cause trouble. 2) Meet physically as soon as possible. I'd say a couple that doesn't meet within 6 months is unlikely to ever become anything more than just a fun online diversion.

It can certainly work. I had a long distance relationship. I lived in New York. The person I had the relationship lived in Australia. Now we are married. It takes a lot of work to do it but as long as you communicate you can do it.

If it's wrong to drink cheap champagne from the navel of a Little Person, then baby I don't wanna be right.

You know, sometimes I don't know when to be amused by you, or scared.

*snip*

What are you doing to yourself? Leave the house.

No excuses, pack your bags and leave.

You know, sometimes I don't know when to be amused by you, or scared.
Fear leads to nervous giggles. Nervous giggles lead to tentative chuckles. Tentative chuckles lead to shameless guffaws.

What are you doing to yourself? Leave the house.

No excuses, pack your bags and leave.

For one thing, as sad as it is, I want to be near her for as long as I can - as it stands, I live for the off-chance she'll find me in the kitchen and give me a hug. Also, I'm paying $600+/month for rent, so it seems silly to go back and live with my parents while doing that - and no, I'm not going to not pay my half of the rent. I can't do that to her - she works part-time at a bank. I work more hours and have a higher wage than she does. Living by herself, she -might- have enough for rent, but wouldn't have enough for gas or food.

For one thing, as sad as it is, I want to be near her for as long as I can - as it stands, I live for the off-chance she'll find me in the kitchen and give me a hug. Also, I'm paying $600+/month for rent, so it seems silly to go back and live with my parents while doing that - and no, I'm not going to not pay my half of the rent. I can't do that to her - she works part-time at a bank. I work more hours and have a higher wage than she does. Living by herself, she -might- have enough for rent, but wouldn't have enough for gas or food.

Are these excuses? They sound like excuses.

If she can find herself another boyfriend I'm sure she can find herself another flatmate.

Pay your half, stay with a friend, find another girl, just get out.

For one thing, as sad as it is, I want to be near her for as long as I can - as it stands, I live for the off-chance she'll find me in the kitchen and give me a hug. Also, I'm paying $600+/month for rent, so it seems silly to go back and live with my parents while doing that - and no, I'm not going to not pay my half of the rent. I can't do that to her - she works part-time at a bank. I work more hours and have a higher wage than she does. Living by herself, she -might- have enough for rent, but wouldn't have enough for gas or food.
You could tell her to move the PC, or turn it off when you're trying to sleep...

Are these excuses? They sound like excuses.

If she can find herself another boyfriend I'm sure she can find herself another flatmate.

Pay your half, stay with a friend, find another girl, just get out.

They're such excuses. I'm not even trying to hide it. 99% of the reason I'm still there is because I don't want to leave her.

You could tell her to move the PC, or turn it off when you're trying to sleep...

I imagine I could sleep on the couch if the location of the computer was really the issue. But I can barely do that.

I think so...

I never knew there was such relevance to her name selection 'bottle'... :eek:

In my defense, what happened in that sauna was supposed to be a private matter that would stay between me, the trapeze artist, and his video camera.

"Never trust trapeze artists, they always let you fall"
-Amelie

I never knew there was such relevance to her name selection 'bottle'... :eek:

Be specific. Champagne bottle...

Be specific. Champagne bottle...
Loosely associated tangent:

I feel that I actually lost my virginity on the day I saw a video in which a woman did terrifying, fascinating things with a champagne bottle, and then subsequently threw a nerf football across a room without using her hands.

I think it is a mistake to assume that "sex" requires at least two people being in physical contact with one another.

Loosely associated tangent:

I feel that I actually lost my virginity on the day I saw a video in which a woman did terrifying, fascinating things with a champagne bottle, and then subsequently threw a nerf football across a room without using her hands.

I think it is a mistake to assume that "sex" requires at least two people being in physical contact with one another.

Ah, the internet.

I love her more than anything. I've been able to say that for six years. When you're 20, six years is a good chunk of your existence to dedicate to just one person - she's the reason I'm the person I am today. I can't imagine what would've happened to me without her, and I'm very fuzzy on what my life will be like with her gone.


I know this is going to sound hard and unfeeling but it isn't. What it is, is the word of age and experience.

You're 20 and it's been 6 years. That means you started at 14. Those types of relationships can work but the odds are against it. At 20 both of you have experienced very little. You won't believe how much both of you will change in the next 5 years. If both of you change together things work, but most of the time each person changes into a different individual.

Pay your half of the lease and move out. Even if it means living in a closet someplace. Go to college. Travel. Try different jobs. Forget getting serious for at least 5 years. By the time you are 25 you will have a very different personality, very different wants, very different dreams, very different goals, a very different way of looking at a lifetime mate. And a far better chance at a successful marriage. You will know the difference between a "teen fling" and a "best friend for life".

I know it hurts. But learning to live through hurt is a part of that growing process that takes place between 18 and 25. You will never be in a marriage where there is no hurt. (I'm not talking of disloyalty. There are many types of hurt.) When the hurt happens, only friendship will pull you through. Lust and sex will help very little.

<Snip>Don't ever leave NSG. This place would be such a fucking bore without you :D

On topic: Relationships are always sketchy things, long distance ones even more so. We tend to have very fixed ideas about the peoples we associate with, and if your interaction is very limited, they may end up being so distorted the real girl's nothing like you thought. That, I think, is the biggest pitfall. So spend as much time with her in the flesh, as you possibly can.

But hey, long distance relationships, even very long distance ones, can and do work out. I met my wife at a conference, and we spend a long time only seeing each other when we could afford plane tickets (and get fucking Visas). Today we're living together.

Loosely associated tangent:

I feel that I actually lost my virginity on the day I saw a video in which a woman did terrifying, fascinating things with a champagne bottle, and then subsequently threw a nerf football across a room without using her hands.

I think it is a mistake to assume that "sex" requires at least two people being in physical contact with one another.

I was at a club once, where a woman smoked a cigarette, opened a beer bottle, and then fired ping pong balls out over the crowd using her...

I don't think that qualified as "sex" per se - more of an interesting hobby.

Don't ever leave NSG. This place would be such a fucking bore without you :D

On topic: Relationships are always sketchy things, long distance ones even more so. We tend to have very fixed ideas about the peoples we associate with, and if your interaction is very limited, they may end up being so distorted the real girl's nothing like you thought. That, I think, is the biggest pitfall. So spend as much time with her in the flesh, as you possibly can.

But hey, long distance relationships, even very long distance ones, can and do work out. I met my wife at a conference, and we spend a long time only seeing each other when we could afford plane tickets (and get fucking Visas). Today we're living together.

So, in conclusion, long-distance relationships work if they end in marriage - clearly - yet that doesn't speak for the rest of us who will tell you that they fail, an inordinate amount of time - having said that, I'm a selfish b'stard who, when it comes to the question - 'It's me or the playstation' - takes the playstation every time, so don't take my advice.

Except you Szanth, like the deathly ghost-voice said to the nervous, virginal girl in those old horror movies - LEAVE THE HOUSE. Though she never did either I suppose.

So, in conclusion, long-distance relationships work if they end in marriage - clearly - yet that doesn't speak for the rest of us who will tell you that they fail, an inordinate amount of timeI'm fairly certain I didn't give any guarantees. In fact, I think I said long distance relationships are even more iffy than ordinary ones ;)

But I think people are prone to underestimating how often they're worth pursuing. How many long distance relationships have you been in, compared to normal ones, for example? I've only been in two. The first wasn't worth the bother, the second ended (so far) in marriage. I've had tons of non-distance relationships, and only 3 of those were worth it in hindsight.

Fear leads to nervous giggles. Nervous giggles lead to tentative chuckles. Tentative chuckles lead to shameless guffaws.

And thus we see the evolution of the chortle from its earlier stages. Or as I like to call it "The Descent of Humor by Unnatural Selection."

Seriously though, Atlantian, if she is just some young hot fling, go for it, and cheat on her (so to speak). It isn't worth taking seriously, and you couldn't possibly get busted. Just do the online relationship thing with her, and don't restrict yourself in RL. That way you get exclusive access to swiss webcam porn in addition to any other daily adventures. If she is progressively minded, be open to her about it.
The "online relationship" isnt really a relationship right now. It's more of we "talk" to each other and know we like each other and we look foward to when we can "see" each other the next time we get together.....but she can "see" other guys and I can "see" other girls in our respective countries. I think it's best this way. I think it works better than a "real" online-relationship...but also much better than nothing, obviously.

So, in conclusion, long-distance relationships work if they end in marriage - clearly - yet that doesn't speak for the rest of us who will tell you that they fail, an inordinate amount of time - having said that, I'm a selfish b'stard who, when it comes to the question - 'It's me or the playstation' - takes the playstation every time, so don't take my advice.
Why is it that for a relationship "to work" it has to be permanent?

Why is it that for a relationship "to work" it has to be permanent?Doesn't in my books. Like I said, there's a couple of my past relationships I wouldn't have been without. Life is short though, so spending one's time wisely is always a good idea.

Why is it that for a relationship "to work" it has to be permanent?

For it to not be permanent, that usually means something wasn't working.

I know this is going to sound hard and unfeeling but it isn't. What it is, is the word of age and experience.

You're 20 and it's been 6 years. That means you started at 14. Those types of relationships can work but the odds are against it. At 20 both of you have experienced very little. You won't believe how much both of you will change in the next 5 years. If both of you change together things work, but most of the time each person changes into a different individual.

Pay your half of the lease and move out. Even if it means living in a closet someplace. Go to college. Travel. Try different jobs. Forget getting serious for at least 5 years. By the time you are 25 you will have a very different personality, very different wants, very different dreams, very different goals, a very different way of looking at a lifetime mate. And a far better chance at a successful marriage. You will know the difference between a "teen fling" and a "best friend for life".

I know it hurts. But learning to live through hurt is a part of that growing process that takes place between 18 and 25. You will never be in a marriage where there is no hurt. (I'm not talking of disloyalty. There are many types of hurt.) When the hurt happens, only friendship will pull you through. Lust and sex will help very little.

I know, and I appreciate it, but lust and sex have little to do with my problem. I just can't bring myself to physically leave her.

For it to not be permanent, that usually means something wasn't working.
The fact that it lasted any significant length of time means that it worked for that time (or most of that time).

The fact that it lasted any significant length of time means that it worked for that time (or most of that time).

Yeah but usually the ending of it means something, somewhere went awry. It no longer worked.

Yeah but usually the ending of it means something, somewhere went awry. It no longer worked.
That doesn't mean that the entire thing "didn't work".

That doesn't mean that the entire thing "didn't work".

Sometimes, everything can work, and you can still call an end to the relationship.

Sometimes, everything can work, and you can still call an end to the relationship.

*shrugs* I can't imagine that.

*shrugs* I can't imagine that.

Imagine that you're in a good job, and you get transferred.

As good as your relationship is with the other person, they don't want to follow you (maybe they have a great job, or are in postgrad studies).

As good as your relationship is, you don't want to sacrifice your career and the other person doesn't want to sacrifice their education.

Otherwise - nothing wrong - in fact, everything is GREAT.

Happens more than you know.

Girl wanted a long distance relationship with me once. I didn't want to so I sent her a used condom and told her this is my idea of a long distance relationship.


about a month later she sent me a positive pregnancy test...

Imagine that you're in a good job, and you get transferred.

As good as your relationship is with the other person, they don't want to follow you (maybe they have a great job, or are in postgrad studies).

As good as your relationship is, you don't want to sacrifice your career and the other person doesn't want to sacrifice their education.

Otherwise - nothing wrong - in fact, everything is GREAT.

Happens more than you know.
Yeah. Life gets in the way a lot.

Yeah. Life gets in the way a lot.

The last thing anyone should do is ask someone they love to give up their whole life to move somewhere else with them.

The last thing anyone should do is ask someone they love to give up their whole life to move somewhere else with them.
Oh, I know. I'm just saying that life gets in the way a lot.

Imagine that you're in a good job, and you get transferred.

As good as your relationship is with the other person, they don't want to follow you (maybe they have a great job, or are in postgrad studies).

As good as your relationship is, you don't want to sacrifice your career and the other person doesn't want to sacrifice their education.

Otherwise - nothing wrong - in fact, everything is GREAT.

Happens more than you know.

Then the distance would be the thing that's not working. Something's wrong.

Yeah but usually the ending of it means something, somewhere went awry. It no longer worked.

No, it means the match wasn't there. And the match must be two people not one.

Before I married, I dated several that I was very close to. At age 55 and after 25 years of marriage I still am sometimes reminded of them and wonder if they found a good mate and are happy in life. If I ever ran into one of them I would consider them a good friend (but not my best friend). I would hope that we could sit and talk and reminisce about all of the good times. I truly believe that they would feel the same. I never broke up with someone in a negative way. It was a parting based on different goals and dreams, just as all of my friends have various goals and dreams.

I remember one woman that was almost perfect. We dated for some time. The problem was she wanted to marry and I wanted to finish my Master's degree. One day she had a ring. She told me that she would have married me but I never asked and the other guy did. We hugged and cried and went our separate ways. Last I heard she lived in a much bigger house than I could provide and had twins. That was almost 30 years ago. As I write this I pray that she has been as happy in her marriage as I have been in mine.

At 20 you think you are mature and ready for life. At 30 you will know how silly you were at 20. That doesn't mean that there won't be overwhelming hurt in a breakup. It doesn't mean you will someday forget (you won't). What it does mean is time gives you a different perspective.

I would repeat my advice to go to university, travel, learn and experience as much about the world as possible. Date not for a mate, but date for a good time and to make a good friend. When the time comes there will be no doubt in your mind. You will know you have not just found a friend, but your best friend. A person that also sees you as a best friend. A person that can hold you and cry with you during the worst of times.

Then the distance would be the thing that's not working. Something's wrong.
It doesn't mean that something's wrong or doesn't work... just because two people go their separate ways doesn't mean something is wrong.

It can work, depending on the people and how much they're willing to put into it. I think it helps if there are plans (and a time-line of some sort) for when the relationship will cease to be long-distance).

I've had two experiences with somewhat long-distance relationships (2-5 hours away). One went badly. The other guy is my husband. =)

And my adviser actually carries on a long-distance marriage. He teaches in California. She teaches in Georgia. They seem to work it out quite well.

I currently have some friends in a reasonably long distance relationship. He's in England, she's in Alaska.

One of the best couples I know.

Not worth it. Atlantian Islands, if memory serves, is my age (18) or therabouts, and frankly, it just isn't worth the effort.

Yes, it's non-political....and no, it's not a joke thread. It's serious.
So...I was wondering, are any of your involved in a long-distance relationship? Does it work? To those of you who arn't, do you think it would work? I'm just wondering because there is a Swiss girl who I like very much and the feeling is mutual. Just wondering. Do you guys have any suggestions or stories about long-distance relationships?

:rolleyes: Why waste time? You should both have fun as much as you can....

I'm fairly certain I didn't give any guarantees. In fact, I think I said long distance relationships are even more iffy than ordinary ones ;)

To be fair, it was just that you were the last in a long list of people who said they'd married their long-distance partner - it was a general comment.

Why is it that for a relationship "to work" it has to be permanent?

I'm specifically talking about long-distance relationships that break down because they're long-distance as opposed to any other relationship that breaks down for any other reason.

Relationships don't need to be permanent to work and I'm friendly with most ex's, those I haven't lost contact with due to circumstance, but I'm lucky as far as I can see.

The "online relationship" isnt really a relationship right now. It's more of we "talk" to each other and know we like each other and we look foward to when we can "see" each other the next time we get together.....but she can "see" other guys and I can "see" other girls in our respective countries. I think it's best this way. I think it works better than a "real" online-relationship...but also much better than nothing, obviously.

Yeah, you got it. Do that. Everyone will be much better off. And, hey, if she ever comes to (USA?) or you end up in Switzerland, then maybe you'll have something worth checking out...

No, it means the match wasn't there. And the match must be two people not one.

Before I married, I dated several that I was very close to. At age 55 and after 25 years of marriage I still am sometimes reminded of them and wonder if they found a good mate and are happy in life. If I ever ran into one of them I would consider them a good friend (but not my best friend). I would hope that we could sit and talk and reminisce about all of the good times. I truly believe that they would feel the same. I never broke up with someone in a negative way. It was a parting based on different goals and dreams, just as all of my friends have various goals and dreams.

I remember one woman that was almost perfect. We dated for some time. The problem was she wanted to marry and I wanted to finish my Master's degree. One day she had a ring. She told me that she would have married me but I never asked and the other guy did. We hugged and cried and went our separate ways. Last I heard she lived in a much bigger house than I could provide and had twins. That was almost 30 years ago. As I write this I pray that she has been as happy in her marriage as I have been in mine.

At 20 you think you are mature and ready for life. At 30 you will know how silly you were at 20. That doesn't mean that there won't be overwhelming hurt in a breakup. It doesn't mean you will someday forget (you won't). What it does mean is time gives you a different perspective.

I would repeat my advice to go to university, travel, learn and experience as much about the world as possible. Date not for a mate, but date for a good time and to make a good friend. When the time comes there will be no doubt in your mind. You will know you have not just found a friend, but your best friend. A person that also sees you as a best friend. A person that can hold you and cry with you during the worst of times.

But with those scenarios, there was always something keeping it from working. There was something that didn't fit - either there was no chemistry, or you had different goals. There was something there that made it so it wasn't right. Something was wrong.

But I dunno, maybe we're just seeing it differently, I'll accept that.

I'm most likely not going to college - not anytime soon, anyway. I've forgotten most of the higher-level math they teach in high school, and I haven't taken my SAT's yet, and I nor my parents have any money for me to go traveling with. If I took my SAT's now I'd be screwed for sure. My GPA was terrible in high school because I didn't really try - one year, I think my junior year, I actually tried getting all D's for all my final grades just to see if I could pull it off. I did. =) My teachers were pissed off at me for not 'applying myself', but I didn't really care at the time. Even in hindsight, if I could go back in time and meet myself as I made the decision to do that, I would give the thumbs up and high five. =D I'm an idiot, I know, but meh.

It doesn't mean that something's wrong or doesn't work... just because two people go their separate ways doesn't mean something is wrong.

Apathy can be something that's wrong. I see "wrong" as something that keeps people from wanting to stay together. If they're not together, there was something that wasn't keeping them together, either they wanted to separate for some reason, or they had to separate for some reason. I'd consider something to have gone wrong.