NationStates Jolt Archive

This was inspired by the Love or Money thread. In some ways, I think it's a more realistic choice. I've seen too many women (and some, though fewer, men) choose to love someone who has no respect for them. Can you love someone without respecting them. Would you choose love over respect?

For my part, I'd rather be resepcted. I loved, and married, a man who had no respect for women. It was a huge mistake and I eventually divorced him. The irony is that his father respected women and married a woman who later proved to be unworthy of that respect (she wasn't unfaithful, just silly and clueless).

I would venture to say the two must go together.

I was married for 12 years to a woman who didn't have any respect for me as an equal, a fellow adult. I believed for a long time that despite that, it was possible for her to love me.

At the same time, I found my respect for her dwindling, and through an honest examination of my own feelings I realized that my love had faded with the respect.

(We were married way too young. That's why the foundation wasn't there.)

The reason is this: We give our love to others by our choice. We love because some part of us wants to. We don't do that to someone of whom we think so little as to not have any respect for them.

You can't have love without respect. Many people may call it love, but realistically...

I don't think love is possible without respect. You can certainly love and respect someone without that being reciprocated, but I don't think that will ever be a foundation for a healthy relationship.

You can't have love without respect. Many people may call it love, but realistically...

realistically it's either need or fear of being alone.

Personally: Love. Even so, you can't have love without respect, and that applies to both ends of the relationship.

Professionally: Respect. I don't give a damn whether coworkers and subordinates like me, what I care about is that we respect each other and that we get the job we are assigned to do done. People can easily abuse your unwillingness to be firm and turn it in to a complete lack of discipline. This doesn't mean be a douche, but it means keeping things in perspective and not ever shirking your responsibilities out of fear of your coworkers' dislike.

realistically it's either need or fear of being alone.
Yes, possibly with a lack of respect for one self thrown in for good measure.

Yes, possibly with a lack of respect for one self thrown in for good measure.

Definitely... I think a lack of self-respect/self worth contributes to people "settling" for someone they don't love or respect, because they're afraid that if the relationship fails, they'll never find anyone else.

I wouldn't consider it actual love if there was no mutual respect. But that's just my take on it.

I can respect someone without loving them.

But I definitely cannot love someone whom I don't respect.

There is no either or.

love is a trap for many women (and men too probably but since i dont really understand men, ill leave them out of it)

look at the nuts who marry violent men, crazy men, men who are in prison, men who will keep them in poverty their whole lives, men who will cheat on them constantly. i knew a woman whose husband would provoke her to strike him then beat the crap out of her. she knew that no one would ever love her the way he did (unfortunately not really true eh?).

such women (and men) should remember the tina turner song "what's love got to do with it?" and walk away from bad relationships no matter how much she LUUUUUVS him.

sure you can have love without respect. its just not worth the bother.

I have to go with the 'there is no love without respect' crowd.

they have to go together i think, or at least i wouldn't like love without respect. i reckon a relationship based purely on respect could easily be healthy and positive. not so much the other way round. it can be quite soul destroying being in any sort of relationship where there is no respect, or even where the respect is not recognised.

I can respect someone without loving them.

But I definitely cannot love someone whom I don't respect.

There is no either or.

Strangely enough, i've found so, SO many tests in that regard, but i know that my attitude is the same as yours.

For my part, I'd rather be resepcted. I loved, and married, a man who had no respect for women. It was a huge mistake and I eventually divorced him. The irony is that his father respected women and married a woman who later proved to be unworthy of that respect (she wasn't unfaithful, just silly and clueless).

Well, that sounds a bit different than "respect," per se. I couldn't date a woman, for example, who simply believed that men in general weren't worthy of respect - that's a whole different animal, though, than her not respecting my profession, or my hobbies or my personal choices. I could deal with that, short-term, so long as it was all in the open. :)

Heh then It seems that i am going against the flow.

Of course you can love without respect. I love my dad, but respect him? I have lots of siblings, one of them is a right problem, I call him 'the stabing brother' I love him, I don't trust him, let a lone respect him, but love him I surley do.

This was inspired by the Love or Money thread. In some ways, I think it's a more realistic choice. I've seen too many women (and some, though fewer, men) choose to love someone who has no respect for them. Can you love someone without respecting them. Would you choose love over respect?

For my part, I'd rather be resepcted. I loved, and married, a man who had no respect for women. It was a huge mistake and I eventually divorced him. The irony is that his father respected women and married a woman who later proved to be unworthy of that respect (she wasn't unfaithful, just silly and clueless).
If there's no respect, it's not love.

If there's no respect, it's not love.

Naaaa that's rubbish that is. Or should I say it's opinion, but one that is rubbish!:eek:

Naaaa that's rubbish that is. Or should I say it's opinion, but one that is rubbish!:eek:
Meh. Use the word however you want, I suppose, but I think anybody who believes in love without respect is reducing "love" to complete worthlessness. To me, love is a word that needs to actually mean something.

You can't have love without respect. Many people may call it love, but realistically...
People who love somebody who's an asshole typically lack self-respect, as others have pointed out.

The one exception I can see might be cases of children or parents, since our lifetime of shared experiences form a bond really needs a name of its own. The love I feel for my parents and my brother is a whole different critter than the love I feel for anybody else in my life, because it's built totally differently. "Family love" is a whole different situation than the bonds that you form with other people you encounter throughout your life. Though I don't really know what it would be like to have "family love" for somebody who is an asshole, because in my family we don't do that. My family is people I love and respect for who they are. I don't know how I'd feel if one of them suddenly was an asshole.

i'm not sure if you can love someone without respecting them


i would choose.... both :)

Strangely enough, i've found so, SO many tests in that regard, but i know that my attitude is the same as yours.
Tests don't mean anything. But I'm glad we agree. :)
If there's no respect, it's not love.
Yup.
Meh. Use the word however you want, I suppose, but I think anybody who believes in love without respect is reducing "love" to complete worthlessness. To me, love is a word that needs to actually mean something.
Indeed.

Meh. Use the word however you want, I suppose, but I think anybody who believes in love without respect is reducing "love" to complete worthlessness. To me, love is a word that needs to actually mean something.

Well I can see why people say that(again though just an opinion isn't it), but as you say meh use the word how you want huh!

Consider though.

'I love this piece of music'
'Ohhh I loved that book'

I don't demand respect from my children, indeed I have no idea wether they respect me or not. It is something that we are told has to be earned, but I can't question their love for me. Similarly my kids are young, they have not done anything that makes me respect them, but my love for them is unconditional.

Ahhh but Love though, I fell in love with the woman who would become my wife the very first time I saw her. There was no time to learn respect for her. I can say that respect can and does spring from love, but you can definatly love without respect and you can respect without love.

I don't think for a second that this somehow 'devalues' love. Can you show how it does?

I love my baby son, but how could I say I respect him? He hasn't yet done anything worthy of respect. I hope he will someday.

I love my baby son, but how could I say I respect him? He hasn't yet done anything worthy of respect. I hope he will someday.
I don't have kids, but I respected my baby brother from the moment I first held him. I don't see why kids are any harder to respect than adults.

The one exception I can see might be cases of children or parents, since our lifetime of shared experiences form a bond really needs a name of its own. The love I feel for my parents and my brother is a whole different critter than the love I feel for anybody else in my life, because it's built totally differently. "Family love" is a whole different situation than the bonds that you form with other people you encounter throughout your life. Though I don't really know what it would be like to have "family love" for somebody who is an asshole, because in my family we don't do that. My family is people I love and respect for who they are. I don't know how I'd feel if one of them suddenly was an asshole.
I'd make the same distinction.

And respect isn't necessarily something that needs to be earned. I try to respect others for what they are and accept them the way they are. Now, losing respect, that is something that can happen very quickly.

I mean, isn't there this "I love you like a brother"-thing where you can only go "D'oh!" as a guy when a girl tells you that?

And then that "I'm loving it". I love this band. I love this burger. I love this piece of music.
People are very quick to throw around the word "love" when they mean something else.

But when it comes to relationships, a person I cannot respect becomes very uninteresting way too quickly for love to have a chance.

But when it comes to relationships, a person I cannot respect becomes very uninteresting way too quickly for love to have a chance.
AAHHHH!!!

That's what it is! I've been trying to put my finger on why I feel the way I do about this. And that's what it is.

If I don't respect somebody, they are--at best--uninteresting to me. I am not concerned about their status or their life. I can't love somebody if that's how I feel about them.

We're putting a lot of effort into disecting the meaning of "love," but I think maybe "respect" needs some attention as well. It seems that a lot of people have very different ideas of what "respect" means.

I don't have kids, but I respected my baby brother from the moment I first held him. I don't see why kids are any harder to respect than adults.

I would have to ask fro what reason? For what reason did you respect your brother from the first moment that you held him. What caused this respect? Or do you mean a differant word entirly?

AAHHHH!!!

That's what it is! I've been trying to put my finger on why I feel the way I do about this. And that's what it is.

If I don't respect somebody, they are--at best--uninteresting to me. I am not concerned about their status or their life. I can't love somebody if that's how I feel about them.

We're putting a lot of effort into disecting the meaning of "love," but I think maybe "respect" needs some attention as well. It seems that a lot of people have very different ideas of what "respect" means.

Ahhhhh yes I agree. So then when I say respect I mean to hold somebody in high regard.

We don't just do this, we have to have a reason for this, thus respect has to be earned.

AAHHHH!!!

That's what it is! I've been trying to put my finger on why I feel the way I do about this. And that's what it is.

If I don't respect somebody, they are--at best--uninteresting to me. I am not concerned about their status or their life. I can't love somebody if that's how I feel about them.

We're putting a lot of effort into disecting the meaning of "love," but I think maybe "respect" needs some attention as well. It seems that a lot of people have very different ideas of what "respect" means.
Glad I could be of help. Have a smiley, too! http://www.section.at/img/smiley/bottel.gif
I would have to ask fro what reason? For what reason did you respect your brother from the first moment that you held him. What caused this respect? Or do you mean a differant word entirly?
First and foremost, there is the respect towards another human being.
Ahhhhh yes I agree. So then when I say respect I mean to hold somebody in high regard.

We don't just do this, we have to have a reason for this, thus respect has to be earned.
Who's "we"?

Glad I could be of help. Have a smiley, too! http://www.section.at/img/smiley/bottel.gif

That smiley is filled with joyful winningness.

That smiley is filled with joyful winningness.
http://www.section.at/img/smiley/liebe.gif

Glad I could be of help. Have a smiley, too! http://www.section.at/img/smiley/bottel.gif

First and foremost, there is the respect towards another human being.

Who's "we"?

That is differant from respecting an individual, due to that indiviuals merits. Ya know that old thing about words haveing more than one defintion.

I can respect you as a member of my species, I can show you all the respect that I would reserve for any other human. can I though respect you, the individual without first knowing you or your works? Of course not.

The original question was can you love somebody without respecting them. The answer is quite clearly yes.

We, you know, like them.

Surely the two are not mutually exclusive? Indeed, they ought to have a symbiotic relationship.

You seem to ask would you rather love somebody unrequitedly, or have their respect; the latter is of course, preferable