NationStates Jolt Archive

Ok, here is a scenario. The year is 2010, NZ has just found immeasurable oil reserves on it's slice of antartica, USA jumps at the opportunity to offset a seemingly endless and slow recession to economic obscurity and finally acts on their 'reserved right' to make a claim on antartica, citing that they never actually accepted the existing boundaries as is. Everyone 'ooohs' at the greatest dick move they have seen in quite a while as USA simply secures the previously NZ territory. NZ sends it's entire force to take Antratica back, but all 12 men are captured and detained at Guantanamo as illegal combatants. The NZ Prime Minister, Helen Clarke, calls President Obama a 'cheeky darkie', igniting an international furore. In light of the rapidly heightening tensions, the UN organises an emergency meeting to diplomatically resolve problems.

The US proposed it would release NZ's entire military from custody if NZ were to 'drop it'. Helen Clarke artfully flings her name plaque across the room and lodges it squarely in Obama's forehead, before cackling like a witch and disappearing in a puff of smoke. With the death of Obama, his deputy, now president, Hillary Clinton swears revenge. The US gathers all of it's worldwide forces to invade and occupy NZ with the hopes of achieveing a 'regime change'. Expecting NZ to be a pushover (granted that NZ's entire self-defence network is sitting in a single cell in Gitmo), the US are rudely shocked. The US invasion of NZ resparks the spirit of the disenfranchised native Maoris, reclaiming their social role as warriors. With clubs of Greenstone, The Maori insurgents manage to turn an expectedly quick regime change into a drawn out and bloody conflict. Reports of the NZ allblacks weilding Greenstone clubs taking out tanks rattle troop morale. Fully equiped patrols are mashed into the ground with well trained rugby tackles. Finally, troop morale gets to the point that the Maoris find they can simply beat their legs, flick their tongue, roll their eyes, and scream gibberish to scare them off. The US strike force is becoming quite Jaded with death by greenstone.

Hillary knows there is only one thing she can do. After chinooking in several tons of KFC to distract the Maoris, she makes a clear way for her and a small group of the elite to steal into the lofty peaks of the southern alps, in search of Helen Clarks Diabolical lair atop mount Cook. Whilst successful in locating the secret Ministerial base, All of Hillary's cohort are tragically killed by superbly trained killer attack Kiwis. Battered and beaten, Clinton kicks in the door of the mostly subterranean techno-castle. Stealthily prowling the corridors of the lair, Hillary snaps many-a-neck. However, she is eventually confronted by The All-Blacks themselves. Deciding that the time for subtlety is over, Hillary sreds her lovely Prada jacket with a shrill screech before setting herself upon the Maori squad. The fight was long and ugly, but minus one high heel, Hillary bested the mob of muscly maoris. Pounding in an elevator door, Hillary manually scaled the elevator ropes to the Highest floor, at the peak of the mighty mount cook.

Shattering the elevator doors with her iron kick and an unexplained explosion, Hillary commando rolls into the antechamber. Inside, she is greeted by a smug Clarke, stroking her pet possum. Clarke swings around on her power-chair to congratulate Clinton on her efforts, and apologise for her imminent death. Comparing americans to feral pests, much like the possum in her lap, Clarke snaps the neck of the possum in a powerful visual metaphor- only to continue to use the limp and lifeless pest as a weapon as she leaps to attack. Hillary is astounded by Clarkes inhuman vigor and strength as she struggles to avoid the flurry of attacks. Pushed further and further back, the fight travels out a set of hangar doors and onto the highest point of Mount Cook's peak. Swinging her possum carcass deftly accurately, Clarke manages to beat Clinton down.

By this stage, the base of Mount Cook is flloded with reporters trying to catch a glimpse of the greatest catfight of the century. Unfortunately, the peak is obscured by a layer of clouds, anfd all that can be detected is the rumble of a great strom, complete with flashes of lights, and gigantic 'CRACK's. Finally at long last, the rumble above calms to a dead silence. Stumbling down the scree slopes, a lone figure can be seen, near-death. Who ever survived is the winner of the worlds first catfight-resolved global conflict. As the figure reaches the base, tumbling loosely the last 100 m, the reporters rush around to see Helen Clarket unsteadily raiser to her feet. Pausing for a second, everyone holds their breath, Helen clark's eyes roll into the back of her head as she falls forward onto the earth, face first. Her entire back is open through a shredded suit, revealing the stars and stripes clawed into her bloody flesh. A maniacal cackling echoes down from Mount Cook as Imperatrix Clinton revels in her victory over another unruly victim state.

With sinister resolution, her cackling dies down as she looks west to the golden shores of Australia...

ROFLMAO thats the funniest shit i have read in ages hahahahahaha

i would love to see hilary go toe to toe with the all blacks hahahahahahahahhahahaha but if they only managed to just beat NZ i would love to seem em take on Australia, GO THE WALLABIES!!!!!!!!!

wait till she takes on little johnny howard, small dog with a tall poppy syndrome hahahahahahahahahahhahahaha

tl;dr

Edit: Dammit, the tl;dr loses most of its effect if someone time-warps a post in before me. I actually thoroughly enjoyed the post... terrific entertainment. :D

Hm. Okay. :p

lodges in obamas forehead, LMFAO

ok, everybody knows that NZ's army is made of 16 people, and 5 of them a quadrpaligs.

ok, everybody knows that NZ's army is made of 16 people, and 5 of them a quadrpaligs.

and they'er navy is one man maning a small boat with only a 50cal mount on it and for the air force who knows

New Zealand is sovereign territory of Australia, so is Fiji, Indonesia, the Solomon Islands, Malaysia and most Pacific islands, it will soon be ours when we create our 'Greater Australasia'.

:p Loved it, great post. Laughed out loud at the "cheeky darkie" comment. I remember when NZ actually made a headline here because of the douche bag who said that. And I seriously would never mess with a Maori. Racist? Yes. But it was a semi-compliment so fuck off.

and they'er navy is one man maning a small boat with only a 50cal mount on it and for the air force who knows

ballons tied to a lawn chair?

New Zealand is sovereign territory of Australia, so is Fiji, Indonesia, the Solomon Islands, Malaysia and most Pacific islands, it will soon be ours when we create our 'Greater Australasia'.

You mean 'GreaterPacificNations', right? ;)

and they'er navy is one man maning a small boat with only a 50cal mount on it and for the air force who knows
NZ actually sold us their last fighter jets some months ago, IIRC. But they have the royal Kiwi brigade, though they have been facing difficulty getting of the ground.

ballons tied to a lawn chair?
dam need a lot of them to carry a missile too
NZ actually sold us their last fighter jets some months ago, IIRC. But they have the royal Kiwi brigade, though they have been facing difficulty getting of the ground.

think i read that somewhere and yes they would have a hard time trying that

You mean 'GreaterPacificNations', right? ;)

No, he means Australiasiaville. ;)

there are possums in new zealand?

Ok, here is a scenario. The year is 2010, NZ has just found immeasurable oil reserves on it's slice of antartica, USA jumps at the opportunity to offset a seemingly endless and slow recession to economic obscurity and finally acts on their 'reserved right' to make a claim on antartica, citing that they never actually accepted the existing boundaries as is. Everyone 'ooohs' at the greatest dick move they have seen in quite a while as USA simply secures the previously NZ territory. NZ sends it's entire force to take Antratica back, but all 12 men are captured and detained at Guantanamo as illegal combatants. The NZ Prime Minister, Helen Clarke, calls President Obama a 'cheeky darkie', igniting an international furore. In light of the rapidly heightening tensions, the UN organises an emergency meeting to diplomatically resolve problems.

The US proposed it would release NZ's entire military from custody if NZ were to 'drop it'. Helen Clarke artfully flings her name plaque across the room and lodges it squarely in Obama's forehead, before cackling like a witch and disappearing in a puff of smoke. With the death of Obama, his deputy, now president, Hillary Clinton swears revenge. The US gathers all of it's worldwide forces to invade and occupy NZ with the hopes of achieveing a 'regime change'. Expecting NZ to be a pushover (granted that NZ's entire self-defence network is sitting in a single cell in Gitmo), the US are rudely shocked. The US invasion of NZ resparks the spirit of the disenfranchised native Maoris, reclaiming their social role as warriors. With clubs of Greenstone, The Maori insurgents manage to turn an expectedly quick regime change into a drawn out and bloody conflict. Reports of the NZ allblacks weilding Greenstone clubs taking out tanks rattle troop morale. Fully equiped patrols are mashed into the ground with well trained rugby tackles. Finally, troop morale gets to the point that the Maoris find they can simply beat their legs, flick their tongue, roll their eyes, and scream gibberish to scare them off. The US strike force is becoming quite Jaded with death by greenstone.

Hillary knows there is only one thing she can do. After chinooking in several tons of KFC to distract the Maoris, she makes a clear way for her and a small group of the elite to steal into the lofty peaks of the southern alps, in search of Helen Clarks Diabolical lair atop mount Cook. Whilst successful in locating the secret Ministerial base, All of Hillary's cohort are tragically killed by superbly trained killer attack Kiwis. Battered and beaten, Clinton kicks in the door of the mostly subterranean techno-castle. Stealthily prowling the corridors of the lair, Hillary snaps many-a-neck. However, she is eventually confronted by The All-Blacks themselves. Deciding that the time for subtlety is over, Hillary sreds her lovely Prada jacket with a shrill screech before setting herself upon the Maori squad. The fight was long and ugly, but minus one high heel, Hillary bested the mob of muscly maoris. Pounding in an elevator door, Hillary manually scaled the elevator ropes to the Highest floor, at the peak of the mighty mount cook.

Shattering the elevator doors with her iron kick and an unexplained explosion, Hillary commando rolls into the antechamber. Inside, she is greeted by a smug Clarke, stroking her pet possum. Clarke swings around on her power-chair to congratulate Clinton on her efforts, and apologise for her imminent death. Comparing americans to feral pests, much like the possum in her lap, Clarke snaps the neck of the possum in a powerful visual metaphor- only to continue to use the limp and lifeless pest as a weapon as she leaps to attack. Hillary is astounded by Clarkes inhuman vigor and strength as she struggles to avoid the flurry of attacks. Pushed further and further back, the fight travels out a set of hangar doors and onto the highest point of Mount Cook's peak. Swinging her possum carcass deftly accurately, Clarke manages to beat Clinton down.

By this stage, the base of Mount Cook is flloded with reporters trying to catch a glimpse of the greatest catfight of the century. Unfortunately, the peak is obscured by a layer of clouds, anfd all that can be detected is the rumble of a great strom, complete with flashes of lights, and gigantic 'CRACK's. Finally at long last, the rumble above calms to a dead silence. Stumbling down the scree slopes, a lone figure can be seen, near-death. Who ever survived is the winner of the worlds first catfight-resolved global conflict. As the figure reaches the base, tumbling loosely the last 100 m, the reporters rush around to see Helen Clarket unsteadily raiser to her feet. Pausing for a second, everyone holds their breath, Helen clark's eyes roll into the back of her head as she falls forward onto the earth, face first. Her entire back is open through a shredded suit, revealing the stars and stripes clawed into her bloody flesh. A maniacal cackling echoes down from Mount Cook as Imperatrix Clinton revels in her victory over another unruly victim state.

With sinister resolution, her cackling dies down as she looks west to the golden shores of Australia...

Lolz. (snickers)

I lol'd at first. Then I noticed you wrote five paragraphs on New Zealand without any mention of sheep. That's disgraceful. :rolleyes: :p

there are possums in new zealand?

They're feral: introduced from Australia and have become pests.

To NZers they are a metaphor for Oz cultural dominance. A bit like USA and Canada.

BTW, anyone wanting to invade NZ would have to go through Oz first so why should NZ bother with defence forces? Unless the thought Oz was going to invade?

They're feral: introduced from Australia and have become pests.

To NZers they are a metaphor for Oz cultural dominance. A bit like USA and Canada.

BTW, anyone wanting to invade NZ would have to go through Oz first so why should NZ bother with defence forces? Unless the thought Oz was going to invade?

you mean if we just started wailing on NZ, oz would come to its defense?

Ok, here is a scenario. ~snip story~

Brilliant! Are you a Kiwi?

there are possums in new zealand?

They're feral: introduced from Australia and have become pests.

To NZers they are a metaphor for Oz cultural dominance. A bit like USA and Canada.

Ironically, some species of possum have since become rare in Australia, so NZ's now exporting the wee bastards back to Oz.

BTW, anyone wanting to invade NZ would have to go through Oz first so why should NZ bother with defence forces? Unless the thought Oz was going to invade?

you mean if we just started wailing on NZ, oz would come to its defense?

Geography. NZ would be geographically impossible to invade without at least a staging area on the Aussie mainland.
That said, any neighbour of NZ able to mount such an attack would have to be a neighbour of Oz too, so it'd probably be in Australia's best interest to ensure such an attack didn't succeed.

The Possum...heheheheheheheheh...

Geography. NZ would be geographically impossible to invade without at least a staging area on the Aussie mainland.
That said, any neighbour of NZ able to mount such an attack would have to be a neighbour of Oz too, so it'd probably be in Australia's best interest to ensure such an attack didn't succeed.

i dont think youre right about that. im pretty sure we could take care of whatever we needed by staging somewhere else. american samoa looks close enough.

not that we could successfully invade and occupy NZ. its just too complicated a terrain. perhaps we could blockade well enough to get the cities to submit? maybe a few bombing runs on the bigger cities would be enough?

and as our good good friend, it may well be that australia would be quite willing to allow us a staging area. its not like we would KEEP it. and a base would keep us from having to nuke a few populated zones and giving the remains back to the aborigenes.

this is OIL we are talking about. there is no way the US will be stopped by a few pissed off aussies.

i dont think youre right about that. im pretty sure we could take care of whatever we needed by staging somewhere else. american samoa looks close enough.

Possibly, I guess it depends on the size of the invading force. Does the US even have any reserve troops they could call up for such an action?

I wasn't actually thinking America when I wrote my earlier comment, I was thinking more locally, which is where any potential threat is far more likely to originate.

not that we could successfully invade and occupy NZ. its just too complicated a terrain. perhaps we could blockade well enough to get the cities to submit? maybe a few bombing runs on the bigger cities would be enough?

Nah, just threaten to bomb all the rugby stadiums.

and as our good good friend, it may well be that australia would be quite willing to allow us a staging area. its not like we would KEEP it. and a base would keep us from having to nuke a few populated zones and giving the remains back to the aborigenes.

Australia: America's Mini-Me. Let's face it, John Howard would suck Dubya's cock live on TV if he thought he'd look important doing it...

this is OIL we are talking about. there is no way the US will be stopped by a few pissed off aussies.

Nope, just a 'few' pissed off Iraqis ;)

Of course any US invasion of NZ would come after considerable saber-rattling and laughable claims of secret WMD development (anthrax in the live sheep exports?).

Despite the ANZUS freeze over NZ's anti-nuclear policy, NZ is still a fully participating member of ECHELON. And despite media silence over the issue, it did (does?) have a small involvement in both Iraq and Afghanistan (mostly engineers and mine-clearance experts).
NZ may not have it's head anywhere near as far up America's arse as Australia, but it's still on the list of 'allies'.
The idea of the US actually invading NZ for any reason is a ridiculous one, really.

Edit: which is why the OP was so much fun!

When you mentioned Hillary, you forgot to mention Howard on a leash with his gimp suit and mouth ball. ;)

Possibly, I guess it depends on the size of the invading force. Does the US even have any reserve troops they could call up for such an action?

I wasn't actually thinking America when I wrote my earlier comment, I was thinking more locally, which is where any potential threat is far more likely to originate.



Nah, just threaten to bomb all the rugby stadiums.



Australia: America's Mini-Me. Let's face it, John Howard would suck Dubya's cock live on TV if he thought he'd look important doing it...



Nope, just a 'few' pissed off Iraqis ;)

Of course any US invasion of NZ would come after considerable saber-rattling and laughable claims of secret WMD development (anthrax in the live sheep exports?).

Despite the ANZUS freeze over NZ's anti-nuclear policy, NZ is still a fully participating member of ECHELON. And despite media silence over the issue, it did (does?) have a small involvement in both Iraq and Afghanistan (mostly engineers and mine-clearance experts).
NZ may not have it's head anywhere near as far up America's arse as Australia, but it's still on the list of 'allies'.
The idea of the US actually invading NZ for any reason is a ridiculous one, really.

Edit: which is why the OP was so much fun!


yeah i loved the OP

if oil was found in the antarctic and NZ had a claim, the US would be more than happy to "help" them exploit the resource. we do this all around the world. it seldom comes down to war.

there are possums in new zealand?
Yes, they were introduced from Australia some time ago, and now run rampant as feral pests.

This means an NZ gimmick is possum products, seeing as you can kill them as much as you desire there.

I lol'd at first. Then I noticed you wrote five paragraphs on New Zealand without any mention of sheep. That's disgraceful. :rolleyes: :p
*Cries*

Yes, they were introduced from Australia some time ago, and now run rampant as feral pests.

This means an NZ gimmick is possum products, seeing as you can kill them as much as you desire there.

i looked them up.

they are much cuter than north american possums.

Brilliant! Are you a Kiwi? Nope, Aussie-Italian.

Ironically, some species of possum have since become rare in Australia, so NZ's now exporting the wee bastards back to Oz. heh, really? Funny.


Geography. NZ would be geographically impossible to invade without at least a staging area on the Aussie mainland.
That said, any neighbour of NZ able to mount such an attack would have to be a neighbour of Oz too, so it'd probably be in Australia's best interest to ensure such an attack didn't succeed. Indeedy. Aussie accuse NZ of being 'security leeches', but then again, so are we.

yeah i loved the OP

if oil was found in the antarctic and NZ had a claim, the US would be more than happy to "help" them exploit the resource. we do this all around the world. it seldom comes down to war.

Exactly. For example, Australia has the world's biggest uranium resource, but no-one's ever suggested going to war with them to claim it. (That I know of...)

Yes, they were introduced from Australia some time ago, and now run rampant as feral pests.

This means an NZ gimmick is possum products, seeing as you can kill them as much as you desire there.

Possum fur is gorgeous - soft and fine and so very warm.
And yet, despite the fact that imported possums and rabbits are the two biggest destroyers of rare native fauna, there are still anti-fur protestors in New Zealand.:rolleyes:
I agree when the fur is farmed, but when there are tens of millions of them eating the eggs of all NZ's flightless indigenous birds and insects, it's virtually a patriotic duty to kill as many of the little sods as possible.
Might as well use the fur, NZ can be a bastardly cold place in winter.

Just to go somewhat off topic...

Exactly. For example, Australia has the world's biggest uranium resource, but no-one's ever suggested going to war with them to claim it. (That I know of...) Just you wait and see. >.>



Possum fur is gorgeous - soft and fine and so very warm.
And yet, despite the fact that imported possums and rabbits are the two biggest destroyers of rare native fauna, there are still anti-fur protestors in New Zealand.:rolleyes:
I agree when the fur is farmed, but when there are tens of millions of them eating the eggs of all NZ's flightless indigenous birds and insects, it's virtually a patriotic duty to kill as many of the little sods as possible.
Might as well use the fur, NZ can be a bastardly cold place in winter.

Just to go somewhat off topic... possum fur is beautiful. I've never tried, but I'd imagine possum shooting would be a barrel of monkeys. Like rabbits in trees.

i looked them up.

they are much cuter than north american possums.

You have possums in USA??? I thought marsupials were an Aussie/South American thing.

You have possums in USA??? I thought marsupials were an Aussie/South American thing.

they are called opossums here and are the only north american marsupial

http://www.krittercards.com/images/opossum1.jpg


i dont think the probably make nice fur coats.

they are called opossums here and are the only north american marsupial

http://www.krittercards.com/images/opossum1.jpg


i dont think the probably make nice fur coats.
Gyah! It's like a bizarro possum, like a cookie-cutter inverse wario possum. A possum.. but twisted and evil. Like the race of evil lions in one of the shitty sequels to the lion king.

Here, lets look at the cute ones:
http://www.anbg.gov.au/anbg/mammals/b-possum.jpg
http://animal-world.com/encyclo/critters/Sugar_Gliders/Images/SugarGliderWCS1_U22Spice.jpg

http://www.zoo.utas.edu.au/tfprofiles/tasanimals/flyn.jpg

yeah american possums are like big rats with prehensile tails.

not that i have any experience with them. the closest i recall getting to one is seeing them squished by cars on the roadside.

Gyah! It's like a bizarro possum, like a cookie-cutter inverse wario possum. A possum.. but twisted and evil. Like the race of evil lions in one of the shitty sequels to the lion king.

Here, lets look at the cute ones:
http://www.anbg.gov.au/anbg/mammals/b-possum.jpg
http://animal-world.com/encyclo/critters/Sugar_Gliders/Images/SugarGliderWCS1_U22Spice.jpg

http://www.zoo.utas.edu.au/tfprofiles/tasanimals/flyn.jpg

awwwww
*waits for someone to start lolpossum site*