NationStates Jolt Archive

The 51-year-old bachelor was charged with the bizarre sexual offence after he was disturbed by the cleaner and her colleague in a private hostel in Ayr.

The charge alleges he conducted himself in a disorderly manner, simulated sex with a bicycle and continued to do so while naked from the waist down in the presence of two female employees.

This bizarre sexual perversion highlights a growing issue in the United Kingdom and other godless nations. Namely, the lack of devotion to Allah. But that is neither here nor there. What IS here is a dude having sex with his bike.

The article fails to quote one of the witnesses as saying, "BIKEFUCKER! Do you need assistance?!" but I'm fairly certain those words were said.

http://www.sundaymail.co.uk/news/tm_headline=accused---of-having-sex-with-his-bike--&method=full&objectid=19347288&siteid=64736-name_page.html

YAY I beat someone to something

Old news.

YAY I beat someone to something

A thousand curses.

The article fails to quote one of the witnesses as saying, "BIKEFUCKER! Do you need assistance?!" but I'm fairly certain those words were said.

http://www.sundaymail.co.uk/news/tm_headline=accused---of-having-sex-with-his-bike--&method=full&objectid=19347288&siteid=64736-name_page.html

Sure hope so. :p

God, I hope the sequel doesn't suck. :(

Lolz.

Sure hope so. :p

God, I hope the sequel doesn't suck. :(

considering it was a bike... with a strong possibility of a tire pump being present...

I'm sure the sequel will absolutely blow.

This bizarre sexual perversion highlights a growing issue in the United Kingdom and other godless nations. Namely, the lack of devotion to Allah. But that is neither here nor there. What IS here is a dude having sex with his bike.

The article fails to quote one of the witnesses as saying, "BIKEFUCKER! Do you need assistance?!" but I'm fairly certain those words were said.

http://www.sundaymail.co.uk/news/tm_headline=accused---of-having-sex-with-his-bike--&method=full&objectid=19347288&siteid=64736-name_page.html

You know, belief in Allah is not a prerequisite for morality.

I still don't see why having sex with your bike should be illegal.

I still don't see why having sex with your bike should be illegal.

Lack of consent *nods*

considering it was a bike... with a strong possibility of a tire pump being present...

I'm sure the sequel will absolutely blow.

You're probably right. The fact that they've had seven years to get the sequel together makes me want to be opimistic, but the fact that it's a sequel makes me think it'll be crap no just the same. :( Oh, well. :p

I still don't see why having sex with your bike should be illegal.
Might well be more indecent exposure. And also just to see how the rest of the prisoners take it lol.

Ahh, cleaners frustrate me sometimes. I've met too many who seem to have no respect for the privacy of others. They should have knocked and waited for an answer. If any charges should be brought, they should be invasion of privacy charges against the cleaners.

This bizarre sexual perversion highlights a growing issue in the United Kingdom and other godless nations. Namely, the lack of devotion to Allah.

Yours is not the right to speak in the name of any god. Yours is also not the right to criticize any nation as "godless", as belief in a god isn't requisite to morality. I know how reality works. You do not.

Lack of consent *nods*

These biciclophiles are scum!

Since I can't find another NEWS (rather than blog) link, I reckon it's a made-up story and the mail is about to get sued.

Anybody else curious about what this bike looks like?

Since I can't find another NEWS (rather than blog) link, I reckon it's a made-up story and the mail is about to get sued.
Don't think they're about to get sued.

Our national sport is footie, not litigation ;)

so how long exactly where the cleaners standing there watching him? :p

and I see nothing wrong with the love between a man and a bicycle even if its going nowhere...

so how long exactly where the cleaners standing there watching him? :p

and I see nothing wrong with the love between a man and a bicycle even if its going nowhere...

The love or the bicycle?

Anybody else curious about what this bike looks like?

that's true... was it a male bike or a female bike (there is a difference you know)

or what if it was (gasp) a tricycle! :eek:

This bizarre sexual perversion highlights a growing issue in the United Kingdom and other godless nations. Namely, the lack of devotion to Allah.


The godless nations of the world can only hope to acheive the level of stablity and morality that flourishes in the Middle East.

"Sadisco Room" It is in no way at all right for you to call any nation godless, no matter if they worship Allah or God. They can believe what they want.

Just because a nation doesn't have a national religion doesn't mean the people who live there don't. And if anything Britain is not godless just look at its history of state religion . Well not so much Britain but more England.

"Sadisco Room" It is in no way at all right for you to call any nation godless, no matter if they worship Allah or God. They can believe what they want.

Doesn't Allah translate as god?

Someone is going to have to fill me on the mechanics of this - how exactly do you have sex with a bicycle?

Might well be more indecent exposure. And also just to see how the rest of the prisoners take it lol.
Didn't the cleaners walk in on him and the bike? Surely she should be pressing charges against them?
Someone is going to have to fill me on the mechanics of this - how exactly do you have sex with a bicycle?

I suspect it involves removing the saddles. Or creative use of the handlebars.

This bizarre sexual perversion highlights a growing issue in the United Kingdom and other godless nations. Namely, the lack of devotion to Allah. But that is neither here nor there. What IS here is a dude having sex with his bike.

The article fails to quote one of the witnesses as saying, "BIKEFUCKER! Do you need assistance?!" but I'm fairly certain those words were said.

http://www.sundaymail.co.uk/news/tm_headline=accused---of-having-sex-with-his-bike--&method=full&objectid=19347288&siteid=64736-name_page.html

Wonder what he'd do if he did worship allah, have sex with kids instead?

I think the bikes less damaging for other people.

I suspect it involves removing the saddles. Or creative use of the handlebars.

I suppose you'd have to call him a pedalphile.

Mind you, I'm not sure how reliable the source is. A crappy tabloid trying to fool people into thinking that it's another crappy tabloid must be pretty, well, crappy.

This bizarre sexual perversion highlights a growing issue in the United Kingdom and other godless nations. Namely, the lack of devotion to Allah. But that is neither here nor there. What IS here is a dude having sex with his bike.

The article fails to quote one of the witnesses as saying, "BIKEFUCKER! Do you need assistance?!" but I'm fairly certain those words were said.

http://www.sundaymail.co.uk/news/tm_headline=accused---of-having-sex-with-his-bike--&method=full&objectid=19347288&siteid=64736-name_page.html

W. T. F. That's funny.

that's true... was it a male bike or a female bike (there is a difference you know)

or what if it was (gasp) a tricycle! :eek:

Trikes are a bunch of sluts.

Someone is going to have to fill me on the mechanics of this - how exactly do you have sex with a bicycle?

Personally, I'd let the bike make the first move. ;)

Trikes are a bunch of sluts.

Watch out for the pink bikes. Especially the ones with long tassels. And only pedos knock up trikes. (Nods)

Watch out for the pink bikes. Especially the ones with long tassels. And only pedos knock up trikes. (Nods)

Pedal-philes. :eek:

Sorry. :p

Pedal-philes. :eek:

Sorry. :p

No, that wasn't bad.

This is more common than you think. Though usually it's women, and they keep their clothes on.

The other day in the city, I swear that girl was...*cuts off for not being PG-13 enough*

Sexual relations with bicycles are Jewish Conspiracies.

This is more common than you think. Though usually it's women, and they keep their clothes on.

The other day in the city, I swear that girl was...*cuts off for not being PG-13 enough*

Riding her bike? :confused:

You aren't funny DC, and you never were. Go away.

How do you even do that, I mean it seems rather painful with the gears and chains and all.

How do you even do that, I mean it seems rather painful with the gears and chains and all.

Maybe that was the idea.

This may seem funny, but privacy is a serious matter. The cleaners should be arrested and charged.

This may seem funny, but privacy is a serious matter. The cleaners should be arrested and charged.

But... but, this guy isn't normal! He deserves to be mocked!

What would this be called? Bicyclophilia?

What would this be called? Bicyclophilia?

Pedalphilia.

Pedalphilia.

Beat to it.

But... but, this guy isn't normal! He deserves to be mocked!

Nobody's normal. Eating chips with hands is normal to me. To others it's disgusting. Having loads of shoes is normal to many womane. To others it's nuts. There's lots of things people do that are normal to some and not to others. No matter how hard you try, it's impossible to accurately define normal - it's all down to personal interpretation.

Old news.

Translation: guilty.

Ref: Downing Street Memos, Don Young http://www.adn.com/news/politics/story/9090478p-9006515c.html
In the wake of newly publicized reports that Young steered federal funding to a Florida project that would benefit one of his campaign donors, Democrats see Young as vulnerable. The congressman has called the story "old news."

Why is that an *offense*? Frankly...it's his own business what inanimate objects he has sex with.

This bizarre sexual perversion highlights a growing issue in the United Kingdom and other godless nations. Namely, the lack of devotion to Allah.
You're going to like being on this forum with an attitude like that.
As are we going to like having you. :)

Why is that an *offense*? Frankly...it's his own business what inanimate objects he has sex with.
maybe it wasn't his bike.

maybe it wasn't his bike.

If someone had sex with my bike I'd rather not have it back.

This was a better story from a while back - where a guy thought a good way to get the day going would be to shag a goat, which is all fine and well except the allotment where he carried out the deed backed onto the main commuter line to Hull.

A few coffees spilled on the train that morning methinks...

Link (http://www.theregister.co.uk/2002/02/07/chef_has_sex_with_goat/)

As I currently seem to be a Cybersheep Farmer, I have a vested interest in the protection of woolly ruminant quadrapeds

This was a better story from a while back - where a guy thought a good way to get the day going would be to shag a goat, which is all fine and well except the allotment where he carried out the deed backed onto the main commuter line to Hull.
The link made mentioned of the guy being a chef (and also a dreadful punning of him 'ramming' the poor goat) - maybe this was just his way of tenderising the goat meat?

Why is that an *offense*? Frankly...it's his own business what inanimate objects he has sex with.

Good point. Are vibrators, etc., going to be illegal to mess with?

The link made mentioned of the guy being a chef (and also a dreadful punning of him 'ramming' the poor goat) - maybe this was just his way of tenderising the goat meat?

"Love me tender"......

Good point. Are vibrators, etc., going to be illegal to mess with?
I think it was more that he was doing it front of two female staff members that is the problem here.

At wany rate, aren't dildos et al indeed illegal in some towns in the US? (or is this just an Urban legend)

"Love me tender"......

The original goatse

Nobody's normal. Eating chips with hands is normal to me. To others it's disgusting. Having loads of shoes is normal to many womane. To others it's nuts. There's lots of things people do that are normal to some and not to others. No matter how hard you try, it's impossible to accurately define normal - it's all down to personal interpretation.
Which is why I was being sarcastic....

This bizarre sexual perversion highlights a growing issue in the United Kingdom and other godless nations. Namely, the lack of devotion to Allah. But that is neither here nor there. What IS here is a dude having sex with his bike.

The article fails to quote one of the witnesses as saying, "BIKEFUCKER! Do you need assistance?!" but I'm fairly certain those words were said.

http://www.sundaymail.co.uk/news/tm_headline=accused---of-having-sex-with-his-bike--&method=full&objectid=19347288&siteid=64736-name_page.html

There's something really wrong with certain people.

Wow! If I got arrested every time I got caught having relations with an inanimate object, I...

...um...

...nevermind. :p

I don't even wanna know....scary?!!?:eek::rolleyes:

Nobody's normal. Eating chips with hands is normal to me. To others it's disgusting. Having loads of shoes is normal to many womane. To others it's nuts. There's lots of things people do that are normal to some and not to others. No matter how hard you try, it's impossible to accurately define normal - it's all down to personal interpretation.

The guy was fucking a bike do you honestly think thats normal?

The guy was fucking a bike do you honestly think thats normal?
giving the guy a little benefit of the doubt and reading between the lines it's possible he was more just being revoltingly sleazy towards the two female employees at that hostel. Something along the lines of dropping his trousers, thrusting himself at the bike and drunkenly leering at them, "If you were this bike, I'd ride you...hic!"

Of course the Daily Fail just goes for the cheap shot of 'Man caught fucking bike!". Because that's the sort of paper they are and that's the sort of reader they aim at.

I know an awful lot of people who ride their bicycles an awful lot ;)

I hope he was wearing protection! Riding a bike without the proper safety requirements is bad and dnagerous. Remember always wear a helmet, knee pads and elbow pads whenever riding a bike. :)

I hope he was wearing protection! Riding a bike without the proper safety requirements is bad and dnagerous. Remember always wear a helmet, knee pads and elbow pads whenever riding a bike. :)
...if you know what I mean..

That song by Queen is starting to make a lot more sense. *nod*

That song by Queen is starting to make a lot more sense. *nod*
"Make love like a bicycle"?

giving the guy a little benefit of the doubt and reading between the lines it's possible he was more just being revoltingly sleazy towards the two female employees at that hostel. Something along the lines of dropping his trousers, thrusting himself at the bike and drunkenly leering at them, "If you were this bike, I'd ride you...hic!"

Of course the Daily Fail just goes for the cheap shot of 'Man caught fucking bike!". Because that's the sort of paper they are and that's the sort of reader they aim at.

Yeah, that's possible.

"Make love like a bicycle"?

The orgasmic way Mercury proclaims he wishes to "ride" his bicycle ;)
Even the ringing bells get a whole new meaning :p

I think it was more that he was doing it front of two female staff members that is the problem here.

At wany rate, aren't dildos et al indeed illegal in some towns in the US? (or is this just an Urban legend)

Well, yes, but... why were they there in the first place, again? And if two people were at it, shouldn't the staff members be leaving?

Er, true... I believe... (at the very least, there are / have been towns in the US where it is illegal to sell such things)

This bizarre sexual perversion highlights a growing issue in the United Kingdom and other godless nations.

In French it's called vélophilie. Happens all the time there. Maybe I'll move.

Well, yes, but... why were they there in the first place, again? And if two people were at it, shouldn't the staff members be leaving?

Er, true... I believe... (at the very least, there are / have been towns in the US where it is illegal to sell such things)

Sex toys are illegal to sell as sex toys in the whole of Alabama.

I hope he was wearing protection! Riding a bike without the proper safety requirements is bad and dnagerous. Remember always wear a helmet, knee pads and elbow pads whenever riding a bike. :)... thank you for that image Londim... :headbang:

Sex toys are illegal to sell as sex toys in the whole of Alabama.hence the other name of "Marital Aids". ;)

hence the other name of "Marital Aids". ;)
I don't think those are legal either.

... thank you for that image Londim... :headbang:

hence the other name of "Marital Aids". ;)

I'm only promoting bike safety :p

I wonder if the "Pushbike" song was playing at the time? :D

I wonder if the "Pushbike" song was playing at the time? :D

that would be funny....

"This bizarre sexual perversion highlights a growing issue in the United Kingdom and other godless nations. Namely, the lack of devotion to Allah."

Clearly correct as a socially progressive, democratic nation with extensive civil liberties and freedom of speech is a vomit ridden blasphemous anarchic hole for dumping shit stained underwear compared to a desert full of towel headed hillbillies who dont even bother to shave.

Frankly I think we all have the blessed right to molest bicycles at our leasure, providing one has legal ownership of the bicycle and does not make a public nucisance with it I dont see the problem. And I wont have any opinionated primitive godbothers who havent bothered to change their opinons since medieval times telling me its wrong.

Sorry for ranting I got a bit incensed.