NationStates Jolt Archive


Man charged for having relations with bicycle

The Sadisco Room
30-06-2007, 22:59
The 51-year-old bachelor was charged with the bizarre sexual offence after he was disturbed by the cleaner and her colleague in a private hostel in Ayr.

The charge alleges he conducted himself in a disorderly manner, simulated sex with a bicycle and continued to do so while naked from the waist down in the presence of two female employees.

This bizarre sexual perversion highlights a growing issue in the United Kingdom and other godless nations. Namely, the lack of devotion to Allah. But that is neither here nor there. What IS here is a dude having sex with his bike.

The article fails to quote one of the witnesses as saying, "BIKEFUCKER! Do you need assistance?!" but I'm fairly certain those words were said.

http://www.sundaymail.co.uk/news/tm_headline=accused---of-having-sex-with-his-bike--&method=full&objectid=19347288&siteid=64736-name_page.html
Dundee-Fienn
30-06-2007, 22:59
YAY I beat someone to something
Kryozerkia
30-06-2007, 23:00
Old news.
The Sadisco Room
30-06-2007, 23:01
YAY I beat someone to something

A thousand curses.
Thumbless Pete Crabbe
30-06-2007, 23:02
The article fails to quote one of the witnesses as saying, "BIKEFUCKER! Do you need assistance?!" but I'm fairly certain those words were said.

http://www.sundaymail.co.uk/news/tm_headline=accused---of-having-sex-with-his-bike--&method=full&objectid=19347288&siteid=64736-name_page.html

Sure hope so. :p

God, I hope the sequel doesn't suck. :(
Yootopia
30-06-2007, 23:03
Lolz.
JuNii
30-06-2007, 23:05
Sure hope so. :p

God, I hope the sequel doesn't suck. :(

considering it was a bike... with a strong possibility of a tire pump being present...

I'm sure the sequel will absolutely blow.
VanBuren
30-06-2007, 23:06
This bizarre sexual perversion highlights a growing issue in the United Kingdom and other godless nations. Namely, the lack of devotion to Allah. But that is neither here nor there. What IS here is a dude having sex with his bike.

The article fails to quote one of the witnesses as saying, "BIKEFUCKER! Do you need assistance?!" but I'm fairly certain those words were said.

http://www.sundaymail.co.uk/news/tm_headline=accused---of-having-sex-with-his-bike--&method=full&objectid=19347288&siteid=64736-name_page.html

You know, belief in Allah is not a prerequisite for morality.
Ifreann
30-06-2007, 23:09
I still don't see why having sex with your bike should be illegal.
Dundee-Fienn
30-06-2007, 23:10
I still don't see why having sex with your bike should be illegal.

Lack of consent *nods*
Thumbless Pete Crabbe
30-06-2007, 23:14
considering it was a bike... with a strong possibility of a tire pump being present...

I'm sure the sequel will absolutely blow.

You're probably right. The fact that they've had seven years to get the sequel together makes me want to be opimistic, but the fact that it's a sequel makes me think it'll be crap no just the same. :( Oh, well. :p
Yootopia
30-06-2007, 23:22
I still don't see why having sex with your bike should be illegal.
Might well be more indecent exposure. And also just to see how the rest of the prisoners take it lol.
Multiland
30-06-2007, 23:22
Ahh, cleaners frustrate me sometimes. I've met too many who seem to have no respect for the privacy of others. They should have knocked and waited for an answer. If any charges should be brought, they should be invasion of privacy charges against the cleaners.
Heikoku
30-06-2007, 23:22
This bizarre sexual perversion highlights a growing issue in the United Kingdom and other godless nations. Namely, the lack of devotion to Allah.

Yours is not the right to speak in the name of any god. Yours is also not the right to criticize any nation as "godless", as belief in a god isn't requisite to morality. I know how reality works. You do not.
Heikoku
30-06-2007, 23:23
Lack of consent *nods*

These biciclophiles are scum!
Multiland
30-06-2007, 23:27
Since I can't find another NEWS (rather than blog) link, I reckon it's a made-up story and the mail is about to get sued.
Desperate Measures
30-06-2007, 23:31
Anybody else curious about what this bike looks like?
Yootopia
30-06-2007, 23:33
Since I can't find another NEWS (rather than blog) link, I reckon it's a made-up story and the mail is about to get sued.
Don't think they're about to get sued.

Our national sport is footie, not litigation ;)
Call to power
30-06-2007, 23:35
so how long exactly where the cleaners standing there watching him? :p

and I see nothing wrong with the love between a man and a bicycle even if its going nowhere...
Heikoku
30-06-2007, 23:37
so how long exactly where the cleaners standing there watching him? :p

and I see nothing wrong with the love between a man and a bicycle even if its going nowhere...

The love or the bicycle?
JuNii
30-06-2007, 23:38
Anybody else curious about what this bike looks like?

that's true... was it a male bike or a female bike (there is a difference you know)

or what if it was (gasp) a tricycle! :eek:
Swayzes
30-06-2007, 23:41
This bizarre sexual perversion highlights a growing issue in the United Kingdom and other godless nations. Namely, the lack of devotion to Allah.


The godless nations of the world can only hope to acheive the level of stablity and morality that flourishes in the Middle East.
Enemy Killers
30-06-2007, 23:45
"Sadisco Room" It is in no way at all right for you to call any nation godless, no matter if they worship Allah or God. They can believe what they want.
Cranhadan Selective
30-06-2007, 23:49
Just because a nation doesn't have a national religion doesn't mean the people who live there don't. And if anything Britain is not godless just look at its history of state religion . Well not so much Britain but more England.
Cranhadan Selective
30-06-2007, 23:49
"Sadisco Room" It is in no way at all right for you to call any nation godless, no matter if they worship Allah or God. They can believe what they want.

Doesn't Allah translate as god?
Philosopy
30-06-2007, 23:52
Someone is going to have to fill me on the mechanics of this - how exactly do you have sex with a bicycle?
Ifreann
30-06-2007, 23:55
Might well be more indecent exposure. And also just to see how the rest of the prisoners take it lol.
Didn't the cleaners walk in on him and the bike? Surely she should be pressing charges against them?
Someone is going to have to fill me on the mechanics of this - how exactly do you have sex with a bicycle?

I suspect it involves removing the saddles. Or creative use of the handlebars.
Skiptard
30-06-2007, 23:57
This bizarre sexual perversion highlights a growing issue in the United Kingdom and other godless nations. Namely, the lack of devotion to Allah. But that is neither here nor there. What IS here is a dude having sex with his bike.

The article fails to quote one of the witnesses as saying, "BIKEFUCKER! Do you need assistance?!" but I'm fairly certain those words were said.

http://www.sundaymail.co.uk/news/tm_headline=accused---of-having-sex-with-his-bike--&method=full&objectid=19347288&siteid=64736-name_page.html

Wonder what he'd do if he did worship allah, have sex with kids instead?

I think the bikes less damaging for other people.
Philosopy
30-06-2007, 23:58
I suspect it involves removing the saddles. Or creative use of the handlebars.

I suppose you'd have to call him a pedalphile.

Mind you, I'm not sure how reliable the source is. A crappy tabloid trying to fool people into thinking that it's another crappy tabloid must be pretty, well, crappy.
Johnny B Goode
01-07-2007, 00:35
This bizarre sexual perversion highlights a growing issue in the United Kingdom and other godless nations. Namely, the lack of devotion to Allah. But that is neither here nor there. What IS here is a dude having sex with his bike.

The article fails to quote one of the witnesses as saying, "BIKEFUCKER! Do you need assistance?!" but I'm fairly certain those words were said.

http://www.sundaymail.co.uk/news/tm_headline=accused---of-having-sex-with-his-bike--&method=full&objectid=19347288&siteid=64736-name_page.html

W. T. F. That's funny.
Desperate Measures
01-07-2007, 00:50
that's true... was it a male bike or a female bike (there is a difference you know)

or what if it was (gasp) a tricycle! :eek:

Trikes are a bunch of sluts.
Nobel Hobos
01-07-2007, 00:57
Someone is going to have to fill me on the mechanics of this - how exactly do you have sex with a bicycle?

Personally, I'd let the bike make the first move. ;)
Johnny B Goode
01-07-2007, 01:03
Trikes are a bunch of sluts.

Watch out for the pink bikes. Especially the ones with long tassels. And only pedos knock up trikes. (Nods)
Thumbless Pete Crabbe
01-07-2007, 01:11
Watch out for the pink bikes. Especially the ones with long tassels. And only pedos knock up trikes. (Nods)

Pedal-philes. :eek:

Sorry. :p
Johnny B Goode
01-07-2007, 01:25
Pedal-philes. :eek:

Sorry. :p

No, that wasn't bad.
Neu Leonstein
01-07-2007, 01:56
This is more common than you think. Though usually it's women, and they keep their clothes on.

The other day in the city, I swear that girl was...*cuts off for not being PG-13 enough*
Urcea
01-07-2007, 01:56
Sexual relations with bicycles are Jewish Conspiracies.
Ifreann
01-07-2007, 01:57
This is more common than you think. Though usually it's women, and they keep their clothes on.

The other day in the city, I swear that girl was...*cuts off for not being PG-13 enough*

Riding her bike? :confused:
Neo Undelia
01-07-2007, 02:08
You aren't funny DC, and you never were. Go away.
Soviestan
01-07-2007, 02:22
How do you even do that, I mean it seems rather painful with the gears and chains and all.
Ifreann
01-07-2007, 02:24
How do you even do that, I mean it seems rather painful with the gears and chains and all.

Maybe that was the idea.
Multiland
01-07-2007, 05:28
This may seem funny, but privacy is a serious matter. The cleaners should be arrested and charged.
Neo Undelia
01-07-2007, 05:30
This may seem funny, but privacy is a serious matter. The cleaners should be arrested and charged.

But... but, this guy isn't normal! He deserves to be mocked!
The_pantless_hero
01-07-2007, 05:31
What would this be called? Bicyclophilia?
Heikoku
01-07-2007, 05:53
What would this be called? Bicyclophilia?

Pedalphilia.
Neo Undelia
01-07-2007, 05:56
Pedalphilia.

Beat to it.
Multiland
05-07-2007, 01:57
But... but, this guy isn't normal! He deserves to be mocked!

Nobody's normal. Eating chips with hands is normal to me. To others it's disgusting. Having loads of shoes is normal to many womane. To others it's nuts. There's lots of things people do that are normal to some and not to others. No matter how hard you try, it's impossible to accurately define normal - it's all down to personal interpretation.
The Brevious
05-07-2007, 02:02
Old news.

Translation: guilty.

Ref: Downing Street Memos, Don Young http://www.adn.com/news/politics/story/9090478p-9006515c.html
In the wake of newly publicized reports that Young steered federal funding to a Florida project that would benefit one of his campaign donors, Democrats see Young as vulnerable. The congressman has called the story "old news."
The Zoogie People
05-07-2007, 02:06
Why is that an *offense*? Frankly...it's his own business what inanimate objects he has sex with.
Demented Hamsters
05-07-2007, 02:41
This bizarre sexual perversion highlights a growing issue in the United Kingdom and other godless nations. Namely, the lack of devotion to Allah.
You're going to like being on this forum with an attitude like that.
As are we going to like having you. :)
Demented Hamsters
05-07-2007, 02:42
Why is that an *offense*? Frankly...it's his own business what inanimate objects he has sex with.
maybe it wasn't his bike.
Ifreann
05-07-2007, 03:01
maybe it wasn't his bike.

If someone had sex with my bike I'd rather not have it back.
Barringtonia
05-07-2007, 03:14
This was a better story from a while back - where a guy thought a good way to get the day going would be to shag a goat, which is all fine and well except the allotment where he carried out the deed backed onto the main commuter line to Hull.

A few coffees spilled on the train that morning methinks...

Link (http://www.theregister.co.uk/2002/02/07/chef_has_sex_with_goat/)

As I currently seem to be a Cybersheep Farmer, I have a vested interest in the protection of woolly ruminant quadrapeds
Demented Hamsters
05-07-2007, 03:31
This was a better story from a while back - where a guy thought a good way to get the day going would be to shag a goat, which is all fine and well except the allotment where he carried out the deed backed onto the main commuter line to Hull.
The link made mentioned of the guy being a chef (and also a dreadful punning of him 'ramming' the poor goat) - maybe this was just his way of tenderising the goat meat?
Raistlins Apprentice
05-07-2007, 03:34
Why is that an *offense*? Frankly...it's his own business what inanimate objects he has sex with.

Good point. Are vibrators, etc., going to be illegal to mess with?
Ifreann
05-07-2007, 03:35
The link made mentioned of the guy being a chef (and also a dreadful punning of him 'ramming' the poor goat) - maybe this was just his way of tenderising the goat meat?

"Love me tender"......
Demented Hamsters
05-07-2007, 03:40
Good point. Are vibrators, etc., going to be illegal to mess with?
I think it was more that he was doing it front of two female staff members that is the problem here.

At wany rate, aren't dildos et al indeed illegal in some towns in the US? (or is this just an Urban legend)
Barringtonia
05-07-2007, 03:41
"Love me tender"......

The original goatse
Neo Undelia
05-07-2007, 05:17
Nobody's normal. Eating chips with hands is normal to me. To others it's disgusting. Having loads of shoes is normal to many womane. To others it's nuts. There's lots of things people do that are normal to some and not to others. No matter how hard you try, it's impossible to accurately define normal - it's all down to personal interpretation.
Which is why I was being sarcastic....
Layarteb
05-07-2007, 05:18
This bizarre sexual perversion highlights a growing issue in the United Kingdom and other godless nations. Namely, the lack of devotion to Allah. But that is neither here nor there. What IS here is a dude having sex with his bike.

The article fails to quote one of the witnesses as saying, "BIKEFUCKER! Do you need assistance?!" but I'm fairly certain those words were said.

http://www.sundaymail.co.uk/news/tm_headline=accused---of-having-sex-with-his-bike--&method=full&objectid=19347288&siteid=64736-name_page.html

There's something really wrong with certain people.
Lunatic Goofballs
05-07-2007, 08:09
Wow! If I got arrested every time I got caught having relations with an inanimate object, I...

...um...

...nevermind. :p
Arcticity
05-07-2007, 10:34
I don't even wanna know....scary?!!?:eek::rolleyes:
New Tacoma
05-07-2007, 13:48
Nobody's normal. Eating chips with hands is normal to me. To others it's disgusting. Having loads of shoes is normal to many womane. To others it's nuts. There's lots of things people do that are normal to some and not to others. No matter how hard you try, it's impossible to accurately define normal - it's all down to personal interpretation.

The guy was fucking a bike do you honestly think thats normal?
Demented Hamsters
05-07-2007, 15:51
The guy was fucking a bike do you honestly think thats normal?
giving the guy a little benefit of the doubt and reading between the lines it's possible he was more just being revoltingly sleazy towards the two female employees at that hostel. Something along the lines of dropping his trousers, thrusting himself at the bike and drunkenly leering at them, "If you were this bike, I'd ride you...hic!"

Of course the Daily Fail just goes for the cheap shot of 'Man caught fucking bike!". Because that's the sort of paper they are and that's the sort of reader they aim at.
Andaluciae
05-07-2007, 15:53
I know an awful lot of people who ride their bicycles an awful lot ;)
Londim
05-07-2007, 16:23
I hope he was wearing protection! Riding a bike without the proper safety requirements is bad and dnagerous. Remember always wear a helmet, knee pads and elbow pads whenever riding a bike. :)
The_pantless_hero
05-07-2007, 17:05
I hope he was wearing protection! Riding a bike without the proper safety requirements is bad and dnagerous. Remember always wear a helmet, knee pads and elbow pads whenever riding a bike. :)
...if you know what I mean..
Lunatic Goofballs
05-07-2007, 17:23
That song by Queen is starting to make a lot more sense. *nod*
The_pantless_hero
05-07-2007, 17:27
That song by Queen is starting to make a lot more sense. *nod*
"Make love like a bicycle"?
Johnny B Goode
05-07-2007, 17:57
giving the guy a little benefit of the doubt and reading between the lines it's possible he was more just being revoltingly sleazy towards the two female employees at that hostel. Something along the lines of dropping his trousers, thrusting himself at the bike and drunkenly leering at them, "If you were this bike, I'd ride you...hic!"

Of course the Daily Fail just goes for the cheap shot of 'Man caught fucking bike!". Because that's the sort of paper they are and that's the sort of reader they aim at.

Yeah, that's possible.
The Alma Mater
05-07-2007, 18:05
"Make love like a bicycle"?

The orgasmic way Mercury proclaims he wishes to "ride" his bicycle ;)
Even the ringing bells get a whole new meaning :p
Raistlins Apprentice
06-07-2007, 06:01
I think it was more that he was doing it front of two female staff members that is the problem here.

At wany rate, aren't dildos et al indeed illegal in some towns in the US? (or is this just an Urban legend)

Well, yes, but... why were they there in the first place, again? And if two people were at it, shouldn't the staff members be leaving?

Er, true... I believe... (at the very least, there are / have been towns in the US where it is illegal to sell such things)
Anthil
06-07-2007, 14:20
This bizarre sexual perversion highlights a growing issue in the United Kingdom and other godless nations.

In French it's called vélophilie. Happens all the time there. Maybe I'll move.
The_pantless_hero
06-07-2007, 14:22
Well, yes, but... why were they there in the first place, again? And if two people were at it, shouldn't the staff members be leaving?

Er, true... I believe... (at the very least, there are / have been towns in the US where it is illegal to sell such things)

Sex toys are illegal to sell as sex toys in the whole of Alabama.
JuNii
06-07-2007, 14:30
I hope he was wearing protection! Riding a bike without the proper safety requirements is bad and dnagerous. Remember always wear a helmet, knee pads and elbow pads whenever riding a bike. :)... thank you for that image Londim... :headbang:

Sex toys are illegal to sell as sex toys in the whole of Alabama.hence the other name of "Marital Aids". ;)
The_pantless_hero
06-07-2007, 14:33
hence the other name of "Marital Aids". ;)
I don't think those are legal either.
Londim
06-07-2007, 14:44
... thank you for that image Londim... :headbang:

hence the other name of "Marital Aids". ;)

I'm only promoting bike safety :p
Jeruselem
06-07-2007, 15:44
I wonder if the "Pushbike" song was playing at the time? :D
Nivalc
06-07-2007, 19:27
I wonder if the "Pushbike" song was playing at the time? :D

that would be funny....
SilentBobsSilentUprise
06-07-2007, 20:27
"This bizarre sexual perversion highlights a growing issue in the United Kingdom and other godless nations. Namely, the lack of devotion to Allah."

Clearly correct as a socially progressive, democratic nation with extensive civil liberties and freedom of speech is a vomit ridden blasphemous anarchic hole for dumping shit stained underwear compared to a desert full of towel headed hillbillies who dont even bother to shave.

Frankly I think we all have the blessed right to molest bicycles at our leasure, providing one has legal ownership of the bicycle and does not make a public nucisance with it I dont see the problem. And I wont have any opinionated primitive godbothers who havent bothered to change their opinons since medieval times telling me its wrong.

Sorry for ranting I got a bit incensed.