NationStates Jolt Archive


Bottle's Self-Defense, or The Scientific Method

Remote Observer
13-06-2007, 19:37
Pull off a testicle.

Any man should be reduced to whimpering and cowering (if not outright unconsciousness from the pain) by simply grabbing and removing one or both testicles.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/merseyside/4253849.stm

A woman who ripped off her ex-boyfriend's testicle with her bare hands has been sent to prison.

Amanda Monti, 24, flew into a rage when Geoffrey Jones, 37, rejected her advances at the end of a house party, Liverpool Crown Court heard.

She pulled off his left testicle and tried to swallow it, before spitting it out. A friend handed it back to Mr Jones saying: "That's yours."

Admittedly, the example here is not self-defense, but the reaction of an outraged woman, but the basic fact stands that it's extremely effective.

Men, take note - because it looks like they come off rather easily.
Deus Malum
13-06-2007, 19:41
Umm................................................................................................. .................................................what?

What the hell does losing a nut have to do with Bottle and the Scientific Method?
Remote Observer
13-06-2007, 19:42
Umm................................................................................................. .................................................what?

What the hell does losing a nut have to do with Bottle and the Scientific Method?

Bottle is a scientist, a practical woman, and would probably go for the nuts in a fight.
The Nazz
13-06-2007, 19:43
I'm trying to figure out the kinesthetics of this and I'm having difficulty. what was he wearing at the time of the pulling--was he down to his underwear and having second thoughts about going through with it? I'm just trying to figure out how she would up with his testicle in her hand if he was wearing anything more than underwear.
Remote Observer
13-06-2007, 19:44
I'm trying to figure out the kinesthetics of this and I'm having difficulty. what was he wearing at the time of the pulling--was he down to his underwear and having second thoughts about going through with it? I'm just trying to figure out how she would up with his testicle in her hand if he was wearing anything more than underwear.

She apparently tore it, and his pants, off.
Deus Malum
13-06-2007, 19:44
Bottle is a scientist, a practical woman, and would probably go for the nuts in a fight.

Disregarding how ludicrous that is, what does that have to do with the Scientific Method?
Remote Observer
13-06-2007, 19:48
Disregarding how ludicrous that is, what does that have to do with the Scientific Method?

Bottle is a scientist. She would probably use her knowledge of anatomy to strike with the most effectiveness possible.

I named this method after her.
Siylva
13-06-2007, 19:53
She ripped off his testicle cause he wouldn't get back with her?

Damn, thats messed up.

There's probably a lesson in this: Don't date crazy chicks.
Desperate Measures
13-06-2007, 19:57
I don't understand the confusion displayed in this thread.

The ripping off of testicles = science. Bottle likes science.

It is not that hard to understand.
Kryozerkia
13-06-2007, 20:01
The title is entirely unnecessary. It's designed to provoke.

Your title is suggesting that Bottle is a violent woman who would deliberately rip off a man's testicles. Even if she is a strong-willed woman who doesn't take any shit from men, there is no reason to place that implication in the title.
Planet spacebal l
13-06-2007, 20:01
"in unrelated news, many gitmo inmates are missing atleast one of their testicles."

After reading the first line, my first thought was, " he had to have cheated." and then I thought about how much that had to hurt, then it made me wince.
Remote Observer
13-06-2007, 20:05
The title is entirely unnecessary. It's designed to provoke.

Your title is suggesting that Bottle is a violent woman who would deliberately rip off a man's testicles. Even if she is a strong-willed woman who doesn't take any shit from men, there is no reason to place that implication in the title.

It's not designed to provoke. It's intended to be humorous.

The implication is that Bottle, in a moment of self-defense, would not kill, but would take the most obvious anatomical weakness, and use it to her advantage.
Kryozerkia
13-06-2007, 20:07
It's not designed to provoke. It's intended to be humorous.

Humour: F+

Nice try but it's the lamest attempt at humour I've seen here on NSG and most days it leaves me wondering just what people are thinking, if at all when they attempt humour here.

The implication is that Bottle, in a moment of self-defense, would not kill, but would take the most obvious anatomical weakness, and use it to her advantage.
Kicking would be faster in a self-defense situation.
Remote Observer
13-06-2007, 20:08
Humour: F+

Nice try but it's the lamest attempt at humour I've seen here on NSG and most days it leaves me wondering just what people are thinking, if at all when they attempt humour here.


Kicking would be faster in a self-defense situation.

You're obviously a humorless person. Did you have it removed in an operation?
Planet spacebal l
13-06-2007, 20:10
You're obviously a humorless person. Did you have it removed in an operation?

congrats you killed the crickets.
Kryozerkia
13-06-2007, 20:10
You're obviously a humorless person. Did you have it removed in an operation?

I hired a hitman to take out my humour. It was preventing my cynicism from flourishing.
Siylva
13-06-2007, 20:11
Who would kill a woman for ripping of your balls?:p
Desperate Measures
13-06-2007, 20:12
I hired a hitman to take out my humour. It was preventing my cynicism from flourishing.

You still haven't paid me fully for that.
Planet spacebal l
13-06-2007, 20:13
Who would kill a woman for ripping of your balls?:p

a lot of guys i know.
SaintB
13-06-2007, 20:14
She ripped off his balls... and tried to eat them?????

Because he wouldn't have sex with her?????

What the fuck?????


And for the record, no I don'tt hink Bottle would rip off someone's nuts.
Ashmoria
13-06-2007, 21:23
how much force does it take to rip a man's testicle off?

ive never tried but it does seem like it would require quite an effort.

and then trying to SWALLOW the nasty bloody thing! she must have been crazy.
Ifreann
13-06-2007, 21:25
:(
My testicles would like me to relay their displeasure at hearing of this story.
:(
UN Protectorates
13-06-2007, 21:27
BTW. If your are attempting to immobilize an attacker, do not I repeat do not attempt to hit thier testicles. Not only can it be awkward to hit them, but raising a leg to hit them in such an area gives the attacker a good chance of grabbing your limb. Also, an attacker can recover from this quickly, relatively speaking, in about 5-10 seconds.

What you should do is hit them in the sides, around thier mid-section. That can shock and knock out the breath of an individual for a much longer time than 10 seconds.
UpwardThrust
13-06-2007, 21:31
:(
My testicles would like me to relay their displeasure at hearing of this story.
:(

would that not be closer to

:(:(
Tarlachia
13-06-2007, 21:36
QUOTE for Posterity:

She said: "It was never my intention to cause harm to Geoff and the fact that I have caused him injury will live with me forever. I am in no way a violent person."




If that wasn't violent...then...damn, I'd hate to see her version of violent...
The Cat-Tribe
13-06-2007, 21:39
Bottle is a scientist, a practical woman, and would probably go for the nuts in a fight.

Meh. it seems someone has metaphorically lost his nuts in battle with Bottle and now is flailing about wildly.
Kryozerkia
13-06-2007, 22:10
You still haven't paid me fully for that.

So, you're telling me I need to fire my accountant? :)
Desperate Measures
13-06-2007, 22:18
So, you're telling me I need to fire my accountant? :)

Or I could... um... take care of it.

You qualify for my "Two for One Kwazy Wednesdays"(the "k" should be backwards but I don't know how to do that with computer technology).
Desperate Measures
13-06-2007, 22:20
BTW. If your are attempting to immobilize an attacker, do not I repeat do not attempt to hit thier testicles. Not only can it be awkward to hit them, but raising a leg to hit them in such an area gives the attacker a good chance of grabbing your limb. Also, an attacker can recover from this quickly, relatively speaking, in about 5-10 seconds.



As a man, I approve of this lie.
Entropic Creation
13-06-2007, 22:33
She ripped off his testicle cause he wouldn't get back with her?

Damn, thats messed up.

There's probably a lesson in this: Don't date crazy chicks.

Emotional states can make any woman crazy.

Fortunately I've never had one try to rip off a testicle; the worst I've gotten was a bite that (miraculously) did not break skin, but left a baseball sized bruise on my belly that lasted 3 weeks. Of course I did somewhat provoke it by responding to the offer in a pretty bad way.

We had been wrestling around for a bit (was sitting on the couch, she came over and sat on my lap so she could slap me, one thing led to another... it was good natured) and must have gotten a little worked up. I must admit, I was as well, but knew better than get back into the emotional tar-pit that is a relationship. Once you're out, for the love of everything that is good, stay out. Anyway... she was straddling me and made the suggestion. I thought about it for a few seconds, then said, with a fairly bored tone of voice, "nah". So she bit me and said "now none of your other girls will sleep with you either" (I never cheat, even under extraordinary circumstances; these were girls I started hooking up with after).

She figured a big bite mark on my belly would make everyone jealous and stay away for a while... how little she understood. One girl gave me lots of sympathy, the other was just turned on.

I really think I wandered off there... but the point is that when a woman (or a man for that matter) gets emotionally involved, and otherwise non-violent rational person can do very violent things. Hell hath no fury like it after all.
Kyronea
13-06-2007, 22:35
BTW. If your are attempting to immobilize an attacker, do not I repeat do not attempt to hit thier testicles. Not only can it be awkward to hit them, but raising a leg to hit them in such an area gives the attacker a good chance of grabbing your limb. Also, an attacker can recover from this quickly, relatively speaking, in about 5-10 seconds.

What you should do is hit them in the sides, around thier mid-section. That can shock and knock out the breath of an individual for a much longer time than 10 seconds.
But the crotch is a vital area and if they get hit in the crotch they're stunned for one round! :(

Remote Observer, your attempts at humour fail miserably, and offend me. I thusly urge you to not attempt such humour again.
Telesha
13-06-2007, 22:43
But the crotch is a vital area and if they get hit in the crotch they're stunned for one round! :(


Exactly, 5-10 seconds.

Isn't a round 7?

I loved that flick.
Kyronea
13-06-2007, 22:46
Exactly, 5-10 seconds.

Isn't a round 7?

I loved that flick.

Oh, wait, yes it is. Nevermind. (I only started looking up the rules to that game after I saw that film, because it looked like a lot of fun to play.)

Oh, and guys? I'd highly suggest you form a strong emotional bond with whomever you date, male or female, before even considering sex. That way you can find out beforehand if s/he's crazy and/or manipulating you and can escape with your testicles and all other body parts intact.
Damaske
13-06-2007, 22:46
BTW. If your are attempting to immobilize an attacker, do not I repeat do not attempt to hit thier testicles. Not only can it be awkward to hit them, but raising a leg to hit them in such an area gives the attacker a good chance of grabbing your limb. Also, an attacker can recover from this quickly, relatively speaking, in about 5-10 seconds.

What you should do is hit them in the sides, around thier mid-section. That can shock and knock out the breath of an individual for a much longer time than 10 seconds.

Still gives the attacker as much a chance at grabbing your limb as hitting their nuts. I was taught that if the guy is close enough..knee them in the nuts then slam your foot on theirs. They can thwart the attempt at their jewels but not enough reaction time to do the same for the foot.

Either way..it buys you enough time to run.
UN Protectorates
13-06-2007, 22:48
Still gives the attacker as much a chance at grabbing your limb as hitting their nuts. I was taught that if the guy is close enough..knee them in the nuts then slam your foot on theirs. They can thwart the attempt at their jewels but not enough reaction time to do the same for the foot.

Either way..it buys you enough time to run.

Seriously. Get someone to hit you hard in the sides, around the lower rib cage. It hurts like hell, and you can't move for a while.

If it doesn't, you're not doing it right.
Damaske
13-06-2007, 22:55
Seriously. Get someone to hit you hard in the sides, around the lower rib cage. It hurts like hell, and you can't move for a while.

If it doesn't, you're not doing it right.

And where in my post did I say that it didn't??
UN Protectorates
13-06-2007, 22:57
And where in my post did I say that it didn't??

You didn't. I was actually trying to quote someone else, and failed miserably. I'm tired...
Maineiacs
13-06-2007, 23:52
*gets some popcorn and waits for Bottle to arrive* This should be fun.
Lunatic Goofballs
13-06-2007, 23:55
My scrotum is made of rip-stop fabric. :cool:

But I suspect the attempt would still leave me wanting a quiet place to assume the fetal position and weep for 20 minutes. :(
Hydesland
13-06-2007, 23:57
That sounds like the most horrific thing, I don't think I could innvision anythign else more painful right now.
Widferand
13-06-2007, 23:58
So the moral of the story is:
Don't let an angry woman near your scrotum.
New Stalinberg
13-06-2007, 23:59
Thank god I keep the rifle and bayonet in my room.
Lunatic Goofballs
14-06-2007, 00:00
So the moral of the story is:
Don't let an angry woman near your scrotum.

or:

Never turn down sex. :)
Infinite Revolution
14-06-2007, 00:00
doesn't bottle practice some sort of martial art? i'm sure she's talked about self-defense before anyway.
Sumamba Buwhan
14-06-2007, 00:39
duct tape will fix it!
Vittos the City Sacker
14-06-2007, 01:00
You're obviously a humorless person. Did you have it removed in an operation?

Bottle ripped it out with her scientific method.
CthulhuFhtagn
14-06-2007, 01:17
Exactly, 5-10 seconds.

Isn't a round 7?

I loved that flick.

Depends on the game. Hell, depends on the edition of the game.
Nova Magna Germania
14-06-2007, 01:40
Pull off a testicle.

Any man should be reduced to whimpering and cowering (if not outright unconsciousness from the pain) by simply grabbing and removing one or both testicles.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/merseyside/4253849.stm



Admittedly, the example here is not self-defense, but the reaction of an outraged woman, but the basic fact stands that it's extremely effective.

Men, take note - because it looks like they come off rather easily.

OH MY GOD, THAT'S ONE OF THE SCARIEST FUCKING SHIT I HAVE EVER HEARD
Non Aligned States
14-06-2007, 01:48
My scrotum is made of rip-stop fabric. :cool:

But I suspect the attempt would still leave me wanting a quiet place to assume the fetal position and weep for 20 minutes. :(

*sends note to LG's significant other*
Darknovae
14-06-2007, 01:52
OH MY GOD, THAT'S ONE OF THE SCARIEST FUCKING SHIT I HAVE EVER HEARD

I'm female and that made me cringe. :(
Nova Magna Germania
14-06-2007, 01:54
I'm female and that made me cringe. :(

I'm still sitting with my legs shut. :gundge:
MrWho
14-06-2007, 02:08
I've been trying to imagine how his testicles came off. All I can think about is how my brother pulls the grapes off when he eats them.
Unlucky_and_unbiddable
14-06-2007, 02:11
I've been trying to imagine how his testicles came off. All I can think about is how my brother pulls the grapes off when he eats them.

*pukes*
My mom has had to pull testes off mice to study cancer growing on them, bursting the scrotum open and stuff. I had to shut my eyes and seeing them after almost made me pass out.
Infinite Revolution
14-06-2007, 02:11
I've been trying to imagine how his testicles came off. All I can think about is how my brother pulls the grapes off when he eats them.

whereas i was trying my damndest to not picture how it might happen.. now i've got pictures of tearing grapes in my head and the little bit of 'entrails' they leave behind on the stalk.... and then i think of my balls.. damn you!! *shakes fist*
MrWho
14-06-2007, 02:20
whereas i was trying my damndest to not picture how it might happen.. now i've got pictures of tearing grapes in my head and the little bit of 'entrails' they leave behind on the stalk.... and then i think of my balls.. damn you!! *shakes fist*

My brother was eating grapes while I was reading this thread, so I didn't really have a choice of whether I wanted imagine it or not. Besides...I'm sure this post is worse than mine:

*pukes*
My mom has had to pull testes off mice to study cancer growing on them, bursting the scrotum open and stuff. I had to shut my eyes and seeing them after almost made me pass out.
Ghost Tigers Rise
14-06-2007, 02:20
You're obviously a humorless person. Did you have it removed in an operation?

It's not that he's humorless. It's just that we don't like you and we don't like you referring to one of our resident posters in a familiar manner.
Infinite Revolution
14-06-2007, 02:22
My brother was eating grapes while I was reading this thread, so I didn't really have a choice of whether I wanted imagine it or not. Besides...I'm sure this post is worse than mine:

yes indeed, feel a bit nauseous now. damn you all! :mad::p
Darknovae
14-06-2007, 02:25
aaaaahhh :(

this thread is making me shudder.

And I don't have any testicles.

But my ovaries are cringing anyway.
Mer des Ennuis
14-06-2007, 02:26
Wouldn't it be better called the "Bottle Manuver," since, if done properly, there is no way the dude on the receiving end is going to be moving? On top of that, I think his point was that its a rather efficient way of taking a male out of comission... for a while... if a rather tasteless observation at that.
Ghost Tigers Rise
14-06-2007, 02:28
aaaaahhh :(

this thread is making me shudder.

And I don't have any testicles.

But my ovaries are cringing anyway.

Ovaries can cringe?
New Manvir
14-06-2007, 02:34
I got it!....

METAL UNDERPANTS!!!
Deus Malum
14-06-2007, 02:36
I got it!....

METAL UNDERPANTS!!!

Waaaaaay ahead of you.
Neo Undelia
14-06-2007, 02:40
There is nothing even slightly funny or amusing about this terrifying incident.
Katganistan
14-06-2007, 03:18
Knock it off. Do NOT flamebait people by attaching their names to completely unrelated articles and characterizing them as being likely to commit a violent crime.