NationStates Jolt Archive

Post your best jokes here, let's have a laugh this Memorial Day Weekend!

Here's mine:

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary

8:00 am - Dog Food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Diary

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.
Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies'. I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow--but at the top of the stairs.

Now it's your turn!

what do you call a dog with no legs?

it doesn't matter what you call it, it still won't come

Q. How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. JUST ONE ACTUALLY!

Q. How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. The real question is, does the lightbulb want to be changed

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One of them was a salted.

How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to make sure that everything possible is being done, the other to screw the lightbulb into the water faucet.

The Lone Ranger was riding alone when he was captured by hostile Indians. He was brought to their cheif who said, "So, you are the famous Lone Ranger. Well, you are widely known as a brave man, but now you are our prisoner. You will be sacrificed at our harvest festival in three days. Between now and then, you may ask for three wishes. What is your first wish?"

"I'd like to speak to my horse." said the Lone Ranger.

Silver was brought to him, he whispered in the horse's ear, and Silver took off across the plian and was soon lost to sight. An hour later the horse came back with a beautiful blonde on his back. The gorl was led to the Lone Ranger's tent, and they spent the night together.

The next morning, the chief said to the Lone Ranger "That is very impressive. Truly, you are a great man to be so in tune with your horse. But it will not save you. You will still be sacrificed in two days. So what is your second wish?"

"I'd like to talk to my horse again." said the Lone Ranger.

Agian the horse is brought to him, and again, as soon as the Lone Ranger whispers something to the horse, he takes off like a shot, and is soon lost to sight. An hour later he returns with a brunette on his back who was even more beautiful than the blonde from the night before. The girl is taken to the Lone Ranger's tent, and they spend the night together.

When he meets with the Lone Ranger the next morning, the chief says "I am once again amazed at the link you have with your horse, but it will not save you. You will be scrificed tomorrow. What is your third wish?"

The Lone Ranger said "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone."

Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent, and they are left alone. The Lone Ranger goes over to the horse, grabs him by the ear, and says

"Listen very carefully this time. I want you to bring me a POSSE! P-O-S-S-E!"

what do you call a dog with no legs?

it doesn't matter what you call it, it still won't come
Some women don't have legs and they still cum.;)
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Why don't Polish girls use vibrators?

It chips their teeth.:D

A wino war veteran with no legs, an old african american farmhand with a bad back, pinochio, and a redneck who is missing his left thumb are all in the bar drinking together when jesus walks in and sits down.
The wino looks over to the bartender and says "Hey? Is that Jesus?"
"Yep"
"Tell him I'll buy a round of anything he wants for him."
So the bartender gets jesus a drink on the man's expense.
The old farmhand notices jesus and says to the bartender "Is that Jesus?"
"He's here every saturday..."
"Buy him a round of whatever he wants, on me."
So he gets jesus another drink.
Pinochio says, "Is that really Jesus?"
"The one and only."
"Well then give him a club soda on me!"
So the bartender gets him a drink.
The redneck leans over to the bartender and says, "Hey, I'll buy Jesus a drink too."
"Aright..." so the bartender poored Jesus yet another drink.
When Jesus finishes his last drink he walks up to the legless veteran wino and lays his hands upon him, "By my father's mercy, you are healed."
Suddenyl, the whino has both his legs again, he jumps up and shots to the heavens, "THank you lord Jesus, now I have legs, I can walk again!" and he dances a jig all the way out the door.
Jesus approaches the old farmhand and lays his hands upon him saying, "By my father's mercy, you are healed."
The old farmhand jumps up and shouts, "Praise the heavens! My back is healed!" and he backflips out of the bar.
Jesus touches Pinnochio, "By my father's mercy, you are healed."
"I'm a real boy!" he says, and goes running home to show Jiminy cricket.
Jesus walks up to the redneck and he jumps up, walking backwards saying "Woah now man, I'm collecting disability!"

Some women don't have legs and they still cum.;)
----------------------------
Why don't Polish girls use vibrators?

It chips their teeth.:D

I... don't get it.

How do you know policemen are strong?
Because they can hold up traffic.

A wino war veteran with no legs, an old african american farmhand with a bad back, pinochio, and a redneck who is missing his left thumb are all in the bar drinking together when jesus walks in and sits down.
The wino looks over to the bartender and says "Hey? Is that Jesus?"
"Yep"
"Tell him I'll buy a round of anything he wants for him."
So the bartender gets jesus a drink on the man's expense.
The old farmhand notices jesus and says to the bartender "Is that Jesus?"
"He's here every saturday..."
"Buy him a round of whatever he wants, on me."
So he gets jesus another drink.
Pinochio says, "Is that really Jesus?"
"The one and only."
"Well then give him a club soda on me!"
So the bartender gets him a drink.
The redneck leans over to the bartender and says, "Hey, I'll buy Jesus a drink too."
"Aright..." so the bartender poored Jesus yet another drink.
When Jesus finishes his last drink he walks up to the legless veteran wino and lays his hands upon him, "By my father's mercy, you are healed."
Suddenyl, the whino has both his legs again, he jumps up and shots to the heavens, "THank you lord Jesus, now I have legs, I can walk again!" and he dances a jig all the way out the door.
Jesus approaches the old farmhand and lays his hands upon him saying, "By my father's mercy, you are healed."
The old farmhand jumps up and shouts, "Praise the heavens! My back is healed!" and he backflips out of the bar.
Jesus walks up to the redneck and he jumps up, walking backwards saying "Woah now man, I'm collecting disability!"

Heh ... what is Pinocchio doing there?

*snip*

You sir are a downright Pinocchioist

Not only do you belittle him by spelling his name wrong, you then have him ordering a club soda whereas the others don't even specify a drink - blatant stereotyping - and then he doesn't even get in on the punchline. What was he? A joke in and of himself?

Pinocchioist!

A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Caliph (is that the muslim holy man's title.. I must admit I forgot!) walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and groans, "Is this some kind of bad religious joke?"

Something not dealing with bars or religion...

A man and his wife are playing golf together. The wife slices her drive horribly and it smashes through a floor to ceiling window in a beautiful house nearby. The two head to the nice home and the man pulls his checkbook out then knocks on the door.
"We are terribly sorry sir. You see, my wife has never played golf before and smashed out your window."
"No, no, no! Thank you, thank you so much! I was a genie who's bottle was on a shelf! When the ball came through the window it smashed my prison and now I'm free for eternity!"
"Really?" the stunned husband asks.
"Yes really! I can still grant three more wishes however so I tell you what, I'll grant you two of them to show my gratitude and keep the third for myself."
"Well.." says the man after a moments consideration, "That sounds reasonable to me! My first wish is that my wife and I were wealthy beyond imagination."
The genie snaps, "Done!"
"I wish we had a huge house, with our own golf course!"
"Done and done! Now for my wish..." the genie considers for a moment, "Well, it has been 10,000 years since I last had a woman, my wish is that I could sleep with your wife as payment for what I have done for you."
At first the husband is skeptacle, but then he decides its only fair after all the genie has done for him so he conceeds.
Two hours later the genie and the man's wife are finally done with thier love making and the genie asks, "So how old is your husband?"
"He'll turn 35 this year."
"Hmm..." the Genie says, "And he still belives in genies?"

Ok ok... stop rding my back about the puppet! I foxed it.. but I'm too lasy to ponder the proper spelling after two days with 0 sleep.

Here's a local joke up here.

How do you tell the difference between a Maine woman and a moose?

The woman is the one in the flannel shirt.

-------------------------------------------------------------

A blonde and a redhead are in an elevator, when they are joined by a handsome man. About halfway up to the top of the building, the man scratches his head. The redhead leans over to the blonde ans says "Someone should give that guy Head and Shoulders, huh?"

The blonde says "OK, but how do you give shoulders?"

Ok ok... stop rding my back about the puppet! I foxed it.. but I'm too lasy to ponder the proper spelling after two days with 0 sleep.

Don't think I haven't noticed you've spelled Jiminy Cricket with a small 'c' either.

What is it with you people!

A man parked his car in the Red Square in Moscow. A policeman rushed to him, shouting, "Are you crazy? Here is where the government is!"
"No problem," the man answered, "I've good locks in my car."

The CIA, MI6 and Mossad are all trying to prove that they are the best at catching criminals. A test is devised- a rabbit is released into a forest and each of them has to catch it. MI6 goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. Mossad goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming. The CIA goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

A local charity office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the rep mumbled, "Um...no."
"Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless withthree children?!"
The humiliated rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "And if I don't give them a penny, why should I give any to you?!?"

An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take all his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me." At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed that he had only put $20,000 into the envelope because he needed $10,000 for a new baptistery. "Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000." The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

Two days... no sleep... lots of busy! Still busy... still not sleeping!

GAH!!!!!!!

George W. Bush is speaking to a group of schoolchildren. At the end of his speach, he asks "Do yany of you children have questions you'd like to ask?"

A boy raises his hand and says "I do, sir."

"OK," says Bush "what's your name, and what's your question?"

The boy says "My name is Timmy, and I have three questions. First, how did you get to be president when Al Gore won the popular vote in 2000? Second, why did you go to war in Iraq without a U.N. resolution? Third, whatever happened to Osama bin Laden?"

Bush stammers for a bit, the a bell rings. He says, "Well, that's the recess bell, boys and girls, so why don't you go out and play, and then we'll talk some more."

When the children return, Bush asks them "Would anyone else like to ask a question?" A boy raises his hand. Bush says "Yes? What is your name, and what would you like to ask?"

The boy says "My name is Johnny, and I have five questions. First, how did you get to be President when Al Gore won the popular vote in 2000? Second, why did you go to war in Iraq without a U.N. resolution? Third, whatever happened to Osama bin Laden? Fourth, why did the recess bell ring twenty minutes early? And fifth, what the hell happened to Timmy?"

3 extremely drunk women are sitting on the tall barstools at a nude bar bragging about various aspects of their life. The topic comes around to sex naturally, and the first boasts to the other two that she is so loose that her boyfriend can put his whole fist inside of her. The other two hum and haw at her boast and the second tops it by saying that her boyfriend can stick both his fists inside of her. After this the first looks at her with amazement and the third just quietly laughs to herself as she slides herself down the barstool.

When I was in school, a particularly daffy friend of mine came up to me with this enormous grin and said "do you want to hear the joke about Fidel Castro's Hi-Fi shop?"
I feared the worst, and said "No, I can guess already."
He said "Oh, OK" and walked away.

That has bugged me ever since. All I'm left with is this horrible image of Fidel waving at me and saying "hi!" and this feeling I just can't shake off that I might have missed the best joke ever.