NationStates Jolt Archive

Like I said, I know there's another thread about this, but I just wanted to break it down and ask any Christians if they can logically defend this story. I'm an ex-catholic myself, and I believe the stories in the Bible are just that... stories. They're good stories, and they're meant to inspire us and help put us on the right path. But I don't believe they were EVER meant to be taken literally. Unfortunatley, 95% of christians do.

If there's any scenario in The Bible that proves that it's all a load of crap, it's Noah's ark. Almost all the other stories could have SOME logical explanation...

The whole "Seven Days" thing: Okay, so it obviously wasn't seven days. One "day" to God could be a billion years to us. He's just that much of a pimp.

Larry begat Frank, and Frank live for 923 years and then he died: Yeah, no one lived that long. Especially Back In The Day, when the average life expectancy was into the early forties. So whoever was adding up all these names and years was just really bad at math. Most people weren't even literate back then, so it's not inconcievable that the dude who wrote all this down WAS a Scribe, but he SUCKED at math.

David and Goliath: Okay, maybe the guy wasn't a GIANT, maybe he was, to quote Willem Dafoe in the Boondock Saints, "some huge friggin' guy". Maybe he was just a huge, Stone Cold Steve Austin-lookin' motherfucker. And Dave kills him with a rock. Great story, love thy brother and such.

Samson and Delilah: So this dude's super-strong, and this chick gets him drunk and cuts his hair. This causes him to lose his strength. So he's captured by the Romans, or Romanians, or Albanians, or whoever the fuck. Obviously, it was just a really ripped dude with great hair. He had really, really, really rediculouly good-looking hair, and when it was cut, he got really depressed and didn't want to fight. But then, he found the strength within: mainly, he realized that he still looked good and could get laid whenever he wants, so he kills all the Canadians and trashes the place. But the whole temple collapses because of shoddy construction that was outsourced to the Corinthians.

But Noah's Ark... that's just rediculous. The whole story is a controdiction. It's like the deleted scene of the Bible, that wasn't included in the original release because it was just too wacky. But then some clod wanted to cash in on the whole Christianity thing, so he released a Director's Cut Special Addition which was worse than the original.

How does a Senior Citizen and his family build an Ark big enough for two of ever creature? There's millions of species out there, people! You'd need a boat the size of California, at least. Not just storage space for the animals, but seperate compartments for them so they wouldn't eat each other, PLUS storage space for FOOD! Also, you'd need some kind of rudimentary waste disposal system... how much does a horse crap in forty days? What about a zebra? Or an elephant? Or a goose? NOT TO MENTION that once The Flood subsided, every creature from here on out would be horribly inbred... so would the humans, because it's just ONE DUDE'S FAMILY. Gross.

AND LET'S NOT FORGET the whole premise of The Flood: God's mad at humanity because we're commiting immoral acts, men lie down with men, people are murdering, worshiping false idols, smoking crack, talking on their phones during a movie. So he decides to commit a genocide that would make Saddam Hussien jealous: He kills the WHOLE human race! See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya! What happened to the loving God? The Forgiving One? Can you seriously believe EVERYONE on Earth was evil at the time, families, men, women, children, old folks? Exterminate them all... so what makes Noah and his family so high and mighty? Why are they worth saving? WTF, man?

And why a flood? Why not use lightning like the Emperor in Star Wars? Or rain down fire and sulphur like they did at Soddom and Gahmorra? That was wicked. Or just click the delete button and start over? He's GOD, after all. And if it's gonna be a flood, why forty days? I don't know about you, but I'll drown in about five fucking minutes. Just have Noah and his creepy incestuous family high-tail it up to Mount Everest with their animal friends, flood the place, then drain it ten minutes later... ten minutes in case some sinner down there can hold his breath for a really, really long time. No need to build a boat! You just saved a hell of a lot of wood... hell, you saved the whole fucking rain forest.

I'm sorry, I just had to go off on a rant about that.

This makes 3 threads, but who's counting? :p I agree, tho, the YEC crowd is pretty goofy. Maybe they should make an amusement park, too (see Roswell thread). The could have a Noah's Ark splash ride for girls to lift their shirts on!

You must have faith my son.

Even through the bullshit goes against all laws of nature, you must believe in it.

Why? Because if you dont you will go to hell.

This reminds me of the time I was talking to someone who was an Odinist, we were talking about the Bible, The Prose Edda, and Poetic Eddas. He states that the stories in the two books (Prose Edda and Poetic Eddas) are just that, stories. Stories that are meant to inspire you to be a good and honorable person that follows the Asatru/Odinist path. The stories and myth are to not be taken literally. People really could learn from that train of thought.

This reminds me of the time I was talking to someone who was an Odinist, we were talking about the Bible, The Prose Edda, and Poetic Eddas. He states that the stories in the two books (Prose Edda and Poetic Eddas) are just that, stories. Stories that are meant to inspire you to be a good and honorable person that follows the Asatru/Odinist path. The stories and myth are to not be taken literally. People really could learn from that train of thought.

But the YEC crowd doesn't think the Bible is mythical . . .

Gilgamesh
---
Edit:
A few things:

A:Back then the "World" was basicly limited to around 300 miles of middle east. I'm sure mostly on the coast.
B:Back then 'All the animals on the planet, meant whatever animals within the 300 miles. It's the desert, name how many varities of noticable animals there are.
C: Volcanoes still existed in Greece.
=
A tidal wave?

But the YEC crowd doesn't think the Bible is mythical . . .

YEC?

YEC?

YEC (http://www.creationists.org/)

This makes 3 threads, but who's counting? :p I agree, tho, the YEC crowd is pretty goofy. Maybe they should make an amusement park, too (see Roswell thread). The could have a Noah's Ark splash ride for girls to lift their shirts on!

Putting the fun into fundamentalist.

(Yes I have plagarised that line.)

Giligmash.

And you mean Gilgamesh (http://www.wsu.edu/~dee/MESO/GILG.HTM)

YEC (http://www.creationists.org/)

Ahh... Well, I mean comon let's face it, most stories in the OT are that, just stories. Take Genesis, the story about the beginning of mankind. Obviously back when this was written, no one knew about Evolution, and had many questions about why bad things happen, so someone wrote the story about Adam and Eve, Eden, and the snake to explain how we got here, what life was like at the beginning, why bad things happen etc. Not everything in the Bible should be taken literally.

Ahh... Well, I mean comon let's face it, most stories in the OT are that, just stories. Take Genesis, the story about the beginning of mankind. Obviously back when this was written, no one knew about Evolution, and had many questions about why bad things happen, so someone wrote the story about Adam and Eve, Eden, and the snake to explain how we got here, what life was like at the beginning, why bad things happen etc. Not everything in the Bible should be taken literally.

The whole point of the Creation Museum is that, yes, it should all be taken literally.

evan almighty (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0413099/) you just know this movies gonna sell like hotcakes.

Like I said, I know there's another thread about this, but I just wanted to break it down and ask any Christians if they can logically defend this story. I'm an ex-catholic myself, and I believe the stories in the Bible are just that... stories. They're good stories, and they're meant to inspire us and help put us on the right path. But I don't believe they were EVER meant to be taken literally. Unfortunatley, 95% of christians do.

If there's any scenario in The Bible that proves that it's all a load of crap, it's Noah's ark. Almost all the other stories could have SOME logical explanation...

The whole "Seven Days" thing: Okay, so it obviously wasn't seven days. One "day" to God could be a billion years to us. He's just that much of a pimp.

Larry begat Frank, and Frank live for 923 years and then he died: Yeah, no one lived that long. Especially Back In The Day, when the average life expectancy was into the early forties. So whoever was adding up all these names and years was just really bad at math. Most people weren't even literate back then, so it's not inconcievable that the dude who wrote all this down WAS a Scribe, but he SUCKED at math.

David and Goliath: Okay, maybe the guy wasn't a GIANT, maybe he was, to quote Willem Dafoe in the Boondock Saints, "some huge friggin' guy". Maybe he was just a huge, Stone Cold Steve Austin-lookin' motherfucker. And Dave kills him with a rock. Great story, love thy brother and such.

Samson and Delilah: So this dude's super-strong, and this chick gets him drunk and cuts his hair. This causes him to lose his strength. So he's captured by the Romans, or Romanians, or Albanians, or whoever the fuck. Obviously, it was just a really ripped dude with great hair. He had really, really, really rediculouly good-looking hair, and when it was cut, he got really depressed and didn't want to fight. But then, he found the strength within: mainly, he realized that he still looked good and could get laid whenever he wants, so he kills all the Canadians and trashes the place. But the whole temple collapses because of shoddy construction that was outsourced to the Corinthians.

But Noah's Ark... that's just rediculous. The whole story is a controdiction. It's like the deleted scene of the Bible, that wasn't included in the original release because it was just too wacky. But then some clod wanted to cash in on the whole Christianity thing, so he released a Director's Cut Special Addition which was worse than the original.

How does a Senior Citizen and his family build an Ark big enough for two of ever creature? There's millions of species out there, people! You'd need a boat the size of California, at least. Not just storage space for the animals, but seperate compartments for them so they wouldn't eat each other, PLUS storage space for FOOD! Also, you'd need some kind of rudimentary waste disposal system... how much does a horse crap in forty days? What about a zebra? Or an elephant? Or a goose? NOT TO MENTION that once The Flood subsided, every creature from here on out would be horribly inbred... so would the humans, because it's just ONE DUDE'S FAMILY. Gross.

AND LET'S NOT FORGET the whole premise of The Flood: God's mad at humanity because we're commiting immoral acts, men lie down with men, people are murdering, worshiping false idols, smoking crack, talking on their phones during a movie. So he decides to commit a genocide that would make Saddam Hussien jealous: He kills the WHOLE human race! See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya! What happened to the loving God? The Forgiving One? Can you seriously believe EVERYONE on Earth was evil at the time, families, men, women, children, old folks? Exterminate them all... so what makes Noah and his family so high and mighty? Why are they worth saving? WTF, man?

And why a flood? Why not use lightning like the Emperor in Star Wars? Or rain down fire and sulphur like they did at Soddom and Gahmorra? That was wicked. Or just click the delete button and start over? He's GOD, after all. And if it's gonna be a flood, why forty days? I don't know about you, but I'll drown in about five fucking minutes. Just have Noah and his creepy incestuous family high-tail it up to Mount Everest with their animal friends, flood the place, then drain it ten minutes later... ten minutes in case some sinner down there can hold his breath for a really, really long time. No need to build a boat! You just saved a hell of a lot of wood... hell, you saved the whole fucking rain forest.

I'm sorry, I just had to go off on a rant about that.

It's probably cock-and-bull, but I'll play the Dev-- LORD's Advocate and defend poor Noah.
First-off it has been confirmed that around the time of the story, a great flood did take place, and it covered over 2/3 of Europe.
Next, many cultures share the Myth-- I mean FACT, including Anciet Greece and Japan, merely changing God and Noah's name (and race).
Next, Noah didn't take bugs, fish, bacteria, or birds ('cept the dove).
Noah only took along the animals from his area, and only one SPECIES of each.
It is concievable to carry along enough-food to feed a zoo such as his for 30 days.
God promised Noah that nothing like that would happen again, and so-far, it hasn't.

The whole point of the Creation Museum is that, yes, it should all be taken literally.

Then those people are idiots.

evan almighty (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0413099/) you just know this movies gonna sell like hotcakes.

What, they can't get Jim Carrey to do a sequel?

This title made me think of freakin' arks with freakin' lasers on their heads. :p

This title made me think of freakin' arks with freakin' lasers on their heads. :p

You win a slice of Cheese Cake.

Then those people are idiots.

Apparently, idiots with a fair amount of cash (to waste, in my opinion, but who am I?)

Apparently, idiots with a fair amount of cash (to waste, in my opinion, but who am I?)

Are you suprised, look at the 700 Club.

This title made me think of freakin' arks with freakin' lasers on their heads. :p

That's the terrible thing about the Noah's ark story! The Sharks with Frickin' Lasers COULD HAVE SURVIVED the flood! Oh, SHIT!

Same with the Seabass... they are quite ill-tempered... :D

What, they can't get Jim Carrey to do a sequel?

No, 'eternal sunhine' was deemed blasphemy.

I wanted some cheesecake:(

No, 'eternal sunhine' was deemed blasphemy.

I wanted some cheesecake:(

Well you didn't make me laugh, and Jim Carrey won't be in the sequel, so you brought me bad news! *gives you rotting moldy cheese*

Are you suprised, look at the 700 Club.

I do my darndest not to ;)

Larry begat Frank, and Frank live for 923 years and then he died: Yeah, no one lived that long. Especially Back In The Day, when the average life expectancy was into the early forties. So whoever was adding up all these names and years was just really bad at math. Most people weren't even literate back then, so it's not inconcievable that the dude who wrote all this down WAS a Scribe, but he SUCKED at math.
Or they just used lunar years. So Frank lived for (923/13) = 71 years. Not that far off the old "three score year and ten", is it?

But Noah's Ark... that's just rediculous. The whole story is a controdiction. It's like the deleted scene of the Bible, that wasn't included in the original release because it was just too wacky. But then some clod wanted to cash in on the whole Christianity thing, so he released a Director's Cut Special Addition which was worse than the original.
Really? I've hardly immersed myself in the Christian mythology (in fact, if you say the word religion, I run a mile), but I've heard the theory that the Noah's Ark/Flood myth is taken from the creation of the Black Sea - when you're talking about people living in the nth century BC(E), it's not really that much of a stretch to think that the village they lived in plus several hundred square miles around it is the whole world, is it?

Yeah, so the premise of the flood is a bit wacked. And? Remember we're talking about a religion that believes their god talked to one of their dudes through a burning bush...

Well you didn't make me laugh, and Jim Carrey won't be in the sequel, so you brought me bad news! *gives you rotting moldy cheese*

Meh, cheese is cheese, I guess.

In WWI, a group of Russian soldiers found what they described in the mountains where the Ark is said to be, a massive petrified barge. These soldiers were executed by the anti-religion Communist party when they returned and reported their findings.

Now, if these soldiers were lying and were faced with execution, why didn't they save themselves and tell the communist party that they were lying? It seems to me that they really saw something in the mountains that was barge shaped. Why die for a lie?

In WWI, a group of Russian soldiers found what they described in the mountains where the Ark is said to be, a massive petrified barge. These soldiers were executed by the anti-religion Communist party when they returned and reported their findings.

Wouldn't the wood have rotted by then just a *teensy* bit?

I mean, wouldn't it have decomposed?

WHOOPS, I'm supposed to defend Noah (see previous page). Ahem, well that settles it then!

Or they just used lunar years. So Frank lived for (923/13) = 71 years. Not that far off the old "three score year and ten", is it?

I've hardly immersed myself in the Christian mythology (in fact, if you say the word religion, I run a mile), but I've heard the theory that the Noah's Ark/Flood myth is taken from the creation of the Black Sea - when you're talking about people living in the nth century BC(E), it's not really that much of a stretch to think that the village they lived in plus several hundred square miles around it is the whole world, is it?


Good points... I completely forgot about lunar years. Derrr. :cool:

And as weird as burning bushes and giant arks are, they don't even come close to Body Thetans and the Warlord Xenu. :D

Wouldn't the wood have rotted by then just a *teensy* bit?

I mean, wouldn't it have decomposed?

WHOOPS, I'm supposed to defend Noah (see previous page). Ahem, well that settles it then!

You'd think Noah would tear the Ark apart and use the woods for other things, like fire, buildings, walking sticks etc. What are you going to do with a big ass boat after the flood is over?

Now, if these soldiers were lying and were faced with execution, why didn't they save themselves and tell the communist party that they were lying? It seems to me that they really saw something in the mountains that was barge shaped. Why die for a lie?

I think you would get execution for lying to Communist goverment back-then, don't you?

You'd think Noah would tear the Ark apart and use the woods for other things, like fire, buildings, walking sticks etc. What are you going to do with a big ass boat after the flood is over?

Maybe he opened-up a museum...or an amusement park!

It's probably cock-and-bull, but I'll play the Dev-- LORD's Advocate and defend poor Noah.
First-off it has been confirmed that around the time of the story, a great flood did take place, and it covered over 2/3 of Europe.
Next, many cultures share the Myth-- I mean FACT, including Ancient Greece and Japan, merely changing God and Noah's name (and race).
Next, Noah didn't take bugs, fish, bacteria, or birds ('cept the dove).
Noah only took along the animals from his area, and only one SPECIES of each.
It is concievable to carry along enough-food to feed a zoo such as his for 30 days.
Noah did take birds according to the Bible. Also he would have had to take fish as all that fresh water from the rains would have killed them all.

Also they weren't in there for 30 days. It rained for 40 days and night and then they were trapped in the ark for another 150 days before coming to rest on the mountain and then a further 70 before they left the ark = 260 days.

Elephants produce up to 100 pounds of crap a day. 2 elephants (4 if Noah had Indian ones as well) would produce 52000 pounds (104000 if 4 elephants) of shite. That's - what? - 26 (52) tons.
And that's just the elephants. Then there's the giraffes, hippos, buffalo, rhinos....I'm betting all those animals also deposit a lot of crap. The ark only had a handful of human crew, so how could they have had enough time to even just clean the crap, let alone feed them (what would the carnivores eat?), groom them and exercise them (can't just box them up for 9 months)?

answer = of course not. Whole story is just a load of elephant shit.

I think you would get execution for lying to Communist goverment back-then, don't you?

Oh comon, Parkus, you know better than that, Good Christian soldiers were killed by Commies because they were about to tell the truth about Noah and his Ark, and we all know that Commies are strictly Anti-Christians.

Maybe he opened-up a museum...or an amusement park!

No, God gave him outboard motors and he took it out on the Black Sea! :D

What, they can't get Jim Carrey to do a sequel?

That character already learned his lesson, silly.

Noah did take birds according to the Bible. Also he would have had to take fish as all that fresh water from the rains would have killed them all.

Also they weren't in there for 30 days. It rained for 40 days and night and then they were trapped in the ark for another 150 days before coming to rest on the mountain and then a further 70 before they left the ark = 260 days.

Elephants produce up to 100 pounds of crap a day. 2 elephants (4 if Noah had Indian ones as well) would produce 52000 pounds (104000 if 4 elephants) of shite. That's - what? - 26 (52) tons.
And that's just the elephants. Then there's the giraffes, hippos, buffalo, rhinos....I'm betting all those animals also deposit a lot of crap. The ark only had a handful of human crew, so how could they have had enough time to even just clean the crap, let alone feed them (what would the carnivores eat?), groom them and exercise them (can't just box them up for 9 months)?

answer = of course not. Whole story is just a load of elephant shit.

Ah, for Noah's sake man, give me a break! I'm taking the REALLY hard side, at least go semi-easy on me, rather then obliterating my whole argument!

That character already learned his lesson, silly.

Yea, but now God can use him to do his bidding, I mean comon, why would you want to go teach another guy the same lesson, and then have him build a giant boat when you already got one who is ready to build a giant boat without the whole learning his lesson thing.

No, God gave him outboard motors and he took it out on the Black Sea! :D

*Enter Kurt Russel and Goldie Hawn, playing Noah and his wife.*

*Enter Kurt Russel and Goldie Hawn, playing Noah and his wife.*

I don't get the reference. :confused:

If there's any scenario in The Bible that proves that it's all a load of crap, it's Noah's ark. Almost all the other stories could have SOME logical explanation...


As previously stated, the "world" was rather small. The Ark didn't hold 2 of every animal, it held 2 of every "clean" animal, which is a smaller list than you would think. There furthermore is evidence of massive flooding around the middle easy (sad to say this is hear-say evidence, if I ever find a source i'll post it) along with submerged beaches in the mediterranean.


The whole "Seven Days" thing: Okay, so it obviously wasn't seven days. One "day" to God could be a billion years to us. He's just that much of a pimp.

Larry begat Frank, and Frank live for 923 years and then he died: Yeah, no one lived that long. Especially Back In The Day, when the average life expectancy was into the early forties. So whoever was adding up all these names and years was just really bad at math. Most people weren't even literate back then, so it's not inconcievable that the dude who wrote all this down WAS a Scribe, but he SUCKED at math.


The point of this according to a clergyman I was taught by was supposed to show that as man continued to grow further and further away from eden, they lived progressivley shorter lifetimes; ment to show the negative effect of sin on people.


David and Goliath: Okay, maybe the guy wasn't a GIANT, maybe he was, to quote Willem Dafoe in the Boondock Saints, "some huge friggin' guy". Maybe he was just a huge, Stone Cold Steve Austin-lookin' motherfucker. And Dave kills him with a rock. Great story, love thy brother and such.


The Philistines were invading Israel, and, at the time, Israel was a rather small kingdom. Goliath was indeed a serial crusher; the sling would have launched a 2 pound rock (ish), and was a military weapon for quite some time.


Samson and Delilah: So this dude's super-strong, and this chick gets him drunk and cuts his hair. This causes him to lose his strength. So he's captured by the Romans, or Romanians, or Albanians, or whoever the fuck. Obviously, it was just a really ripped dude with great hair. He had really, really, really rediculouly good-looking hair, and when it was cut, he got really depressed and didn't want to fight. But then, he found the strength within: mainly, he realized that he still looked good and could get laid whenever he wants, so he kills all the Canadians and trashes the place. But the whole temple collapses because of shoddy construction that was outsourced to the Corinthians.


Samson is supposed to be a metaphor for Israel (much of the old testament is "didactic fiction," ment to convey the word of God in a way the early Israelites could understand). When Israel was faithful to God, they were strong, but were delivered to the Philistines (one of their many pagan enemies) for doing evil. In the same way, when Samson followed God's commandments, he was strong, but when he commited evil, he lost his strength and broke his oath (the Israelites were big on Covenants, which they often broke. Hell, King David killed one of his best friends to get his wife!). Again, the parallels with Israel should be apparent.


But Noah's Ark... that's just rediculous. The whole story is a controdiction. It's like the deleted scene of the Bible, that wasn't included in the original release because it was just too wacky. But then some clod wanted to cash in on the whole Christianity thing, so he released a Director's Cut Special Addition which was worse than the original.

How does a Senior Citizen and his family build an Ark big enough for two of ever creature? There's millions of species out there, people! You'd need a boat the size of California, at least. Not just storage space for the animals, but seperate compartments for them so they wouldn't eat each other, PLUS storage space for FOOD! Also, you'd need some kind of rudimentary waste disposal system... how much does a horse crap in forty days? What about a zebra? Or an elephant? Or a goose? NOT TO MENTION that once The Flood subsided, every creature from here on out would be horribly inbred... so would the humans, because it's just ONE DUDE'S FAMILY. Gross.

Again, even if Noah's Ark isn't a true story, the moral is important: God, although all powerful, takes mercy upon the world (the covenant of the rainbow). And do not forget, the "world" was centered around the Fertile Crescent, and the bible is the story of Israel: Afterall, it says God created Adam and Eve, but it does not mention the creation of other Human tribes... nor does it need to.

I hope that answered some of your questions in a meaningful way.

I don't get the reference. :confused:

Maybe it was a bad joke...or maybe I should have made it clearer (http://www.mattandamy.com/movies/images/14405f.jpg)....

Maybe it was a bad joke...or maybe I should have made it clearer (http://www.impawards.com/1987/posters/overboard.jpg)....

Ahh, hehe, now I get it.

A keanu reeves and sandra bullock referance would probaly be to obvious?

If this boat goes under 4mph the unicorns will explode.

*BOOM*

Like, too late, man.:cool:

A keanu reeves and sandra bullock referance would probaly be to obvious?

If this boat goes under 4mph the unicorns will explode.

*BOOM*

Like, too late, man.:cool:

Don't forget what REALLY happened to the unicorns....

A long time ago, when the Earth was green
There was more kinds of animals than you've ever seen
They'd run around free while the Earth was being born
And the loveliest of all was the unicorn

There was green alligators and long-necked geese
Some humpty backed camels and some chimpanzees
Some cats and rats and elephants, but sure as you're born
The loveliest of all was the unicorn

The Lord seen some sinning and it gave Him pain
And He says, "Stand back, I'm going to make it rain"
He says, "Hey Noah, I'll tell you what to do
Build me a floating zoo,
and take some of those...

Green alligators and long-necked geese
Some humpty backed camels and some chimpanzees
Some cats and rats and elephants, but sure as you're born
Don't you forget My unicorns

Old Noah was there to answer the call
He finished up making the ark just as the rain started to fall
He marched the animals two by two
And he called out as they came through
Hey Lord,

I've got green alligators and long-necked geese
Some humpty backed camels and some chimpanzees
Some cats and rats and elephants, but Lord, I'm so forlorn
I just can't find no unicorns"

And Noah looked out through the driving rain
Them unicorns were hiding, playing silly games
Kicking and splashing while the rain was falling
Oh, them silly unicorns

There was green alligators and long-necked geese
Some humpty backed camels and some chimpanzees
Noah cried, "Close the door because the rain is falling
And we just can't wait for no unicorns"

The ark started moving, it drifted with the tide
The unicorns looked up from the rocks and they cried
And the waters came down and sort of floated them away
That's why you never see unicorns to this very day

You'll see green alligators and long-necked geese
Some humpty backed camels and some chimpanzees
Some cats and rats and elephants, but sure as you're born
You're never gonna see no unicorns

[New Lyrics]
Now you might think this is the ending to the song,
But I'll have to tell you friends that in fact you're wrong
You see, Unicorns are magical, so when the rain started pouring,
They grew themselves some wings and they took to soaring.

You'll see green alligators and long-necked geese
Some humpty backed camels and some chimpanzees
But if you're looking for the unicorns, don't be forlorn,
The second star to the right and straight on until morning

Like I said, I know there's another thread about this, but I just wanted to break it down and ask any Christians if they can logically defend this story. I'm an ex-catholic myself, and I believe the stories in the Bible are just that... stories. They're good stories, and they're meant to inspire us and help put us on the right path. But I don't believe they were EVER meant to be taken literally. Unfortunatley, 95% of christians do.

If there's any scenario in The Bible that proves that it's all a load of crap, it's Noah's ark. Almost all the other stories could have SOME logical explanation...

Larry begat Frank, and Frank live for 923 years and then he died: Yeah, no one lived that long. Especially Back In The Day, when the average life expectancy was into the early forties. So whoever was adding up all these names and years was just really bad at math. Most people weren't even literate back then, so it's not inconcievable that the dude who wrote all this down WAS a Scribe, but he SUCKED at math.

David and Goliath: Okay, maybe the guy wasn't a GIANT, maybe he was, to quote Willem Dafoe in the Boondock Saints, "some huge friggin' guy". Maybe he was just a huge, Stone Cold Steve Austin-lookin' motherfucker. And Dave kills him with a rock. Great story, love thy brother and such.

But Noah's Ark... that's just rediculous. The whole story is a controdiction. It's like the deleted scene of the Bible, that wasn't included in the original release because it was just too wacky. But then some clod wanted to cash in on the whole Christianity thing, so he released a Director's Cut Special Addition which was worse than the original.

How does a Senior Citizen and his family build an Ark big enough for two of ever creature? There's millions of species out there, people! You'd need a boat the size of California, at least. Not just storage space for the animals, but seperate compartments for them so they wouldn't eat each other, PLUS storage space for FOOD! Also, you'd need some kind of rudimentary waste disposal system... how much does a horse crap in forty days? What about a zebra? Or an elephant? Or a goose? NOT TO MENTION that once The Flood subsided, every creature from here on out would be horribly inbred... so would the humans, because it's just ONE DUDE'S FAMILY. Gross.

AND LET'S NOT FORGET the whole premise of The Flood: God's mad at humanity because we're commiting immoral acts, men lie down with men, people are murdering, worshiping false idols, smoking crack, talking on their phones during a movie. So he decides to commit a genocide that would make Saddam Hussien jealous: He kills the WHOLE human race! See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya! What happened to the loving God? The Forgiving One? Can you seriously believe EVERYONE on Earth was evil at the time, families, men, women, children, old folks? Exterminate them all... so what makes Noah and his family so high and mighty? Why are they worth saving? WTF, man?

And why a flood? Why not use lightning like the Emperor in Star Wars? Or rain down fire and sulphur like they did at Soddom and Gahmorra? That was wicked. Or just click the delete button and start over? He's GOD, after all. And if it's gonna be a flood, why forty days? I don't know about you, but I'll drown in about five fucking minutes. Just have Noah and his creepy incestuous family high-tail it up to Mount Everest with their animal friends, flood the place, then drain it ten minutes later... ten minutes in case some sinner down there can hold his breath for a really, really long time. No need to build a boat! You just saved a hell of a lot of wood... hell, you saved the whole fucking rain forest.

I'm sorry, I just had to go off on a rant about that.

It's NOT a "load of crap". For one thing, people lived much longer before Noah's flood than they do now because environmental conditions were different and more conducive to longevity back then. The Flood changed all that, so that people started dying quicker. First they lived 400, then 300, then 250, then 200, and so on until it got to the point where the average lifespan was 70 years, in some cases 80.

If your objection to it is because it "defies the laws of nature" or whatever, God MADE the laws of nature and He can overrule them if and when He so desires, and such a phenomenon is commonly called a "miracle".

I don't understand why you think it is a contradiction; please explain.

I think you are just looking for an excuse not to believe the Bible because it doesn't fit in with what is convenient for YOU. It knows all about you (and me and anyone either of us knows) and TELLS it.

The whole "Seven Days" thing: Okay, so it obviously wasn't seven days. One "day" to God could be a billion years to us. He's just that much of a pimp.

What do you mean, "it obviously wasn't seven days"? God is perfectly capable of creating the universe in seven 24-hour periods, and even if He had decided to take more time than that to do it, the Bible says that "one day is with the Lord as a THOUSAND years", not a billion. And what's up with calling Him a "pimp"?

Samson and Delilah: So this dude's super-strong, and this chick gets him drunk and cuts his hair. This causes him to lose his strength. So he's captured by the Romans, or Romanians, or Albanians, or whoever the fuck. Obviously, it was just a really ripped dude with great hair. He had really, really, really rediculouly good-looking hair, and when it was cut, he got really depressed and didn't want to fight. But then, he found the strength within: mainly, he realized that he still looked good and could get laid whenever he wants, so he kills all the Canadians and trashes the place. But the whole temple collapses because of shoddy construction that was outsourced to the Corinthians.

Samson had his great strength not merely because his hair was long, but because he had what the Bible called "a Nazarite vow" on him that no razor would come upon his head, and when Delilah shaved his head, that vow was broken, causing Samson to lose his strength and make him vulnerable to his enemies, but at the end Samson called on God, and God restored his strength to him, enabling him to push the pillars down, collapsing the whole temple. It was NOT because of "shoddy construction that was outsourced to the Corinthians". In fact I don't think there WERE any Corinthians in Samson's lifetime.

I think you are just looking for an excuse not to believe the Bible because it doesn't fit in with what is convenient for YOU. It knows all about you (and me and anyone either of us knows) and TELLS it.

AHAHAHAH*cough cough*HAHAHAHA. the hypocracy is killing me. AHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Right now they're building an exact replica of the Ark as described in the Bible on Mount Ararat.

It's to serve as a symbol of mankind's destruction by the environment and, although I'm entirely not religious, I think it's a rather nice idea.

It's NOT a "load of crap". For one thing, people lived much longer before Noah's flood than they do now because environmental conditions were different and more conducive to longevity back then. The Flood changed all that, so that people started dying quicker. First they lived 400, then 300, then 250, then 200, and so on until it got to the point where the average lifespan was 70 years, in some cases 80.

If your objection to it is because it "defies the laws of nature" or whatever, God MADE the laws of nature and He can overrule them if and when He so desires, and such a phenomenon is commonly called a "miracle".

I don't understand why you think it is a contradiction; please explain.

I think you are just looking for an excuse not to believe the Bible because it doesn't fit in with what is convenient for YOU. It knows all about you (and me and anyone either of us knows) and TELLS it.



What do you mean, "it obviously wasn't seven days"? God is perfectly capable of creating the universe in seven 24-hour periods, and even if He had decided to take more time than that to do it, the Bible says that "one day is with the Lord as a THOUSAND years", not a billion. And what's up with calling Him a "pimp"?



Samson had his great strength not merely because his hair was long, but because he had what the Bible called "a Nazarite vow" on him that no razor would come upon his head, and when Delilah shaved his head, that vow was broken, causing Samson to lose his strength and make him vulnerable to his enemies, but at the end Samson called on God, and God restored his strength to him, enabling him to push the pillars down, collapsing the whole temple. It was NOT because of "shoddy construction that was outsourced to the Corinthians". In fact I don't think there WERE any Corinthians in Samson's lifetime.
Um, the reason folks are so skeptical is because there is virtually no-proof to support the Bible, yet is CONSIDERABLE evidence against it. Whether you take it literally-or-not, you'll have to concede there.

AHAHAHAH*cough cough*HAHAHAHA. the hypocracy is killing me. AHAHAHAHAHAHA.

What "hypocracy"? I never claimed to be sinless. I acknowledge that I am a sinner, in need of a Savior. How is that "hypocracy"?

I said that the Bible knows all about him AND ME and tells it. I never said my heart was any better than his.

Um, the reason folks are so skeptical is because there is virtually no-proof to support the Bible, yet is CONSIDERABLE evidence against it. Whether you take it literally-or-not, you'll have to concede there.

Considerable evidence against it? No proof to support it?

Please provide some of this "evidence" you speak of; I'm curious to SEE it.