NationStates Jolt Archive

i have not posted here in ages,a few responces here and there.

i have a major dilemna,i am quite vexed to be truthful.i am in love with a girl that i have not seen in 2 years,i really love her and plan on marrying her.we recently started talking again about 2 months ago,and we are like gump said..peas and carrots...lol...the problem is 2 fold,i am 45 and she is 25,she lives 900 miles away,and my daughter hates the fact that i am serious about a girl not much older then her.
she does not care if i am a pig and go with girls that age for sex..i live at the beach..no shortage...but she hates that i am serious.
we have had talks that go until the sun comes up,i am jeapordisizing my job but i dont care..i love her.
my girl says that i am a fucking grown up and should behave as one..i try to tell her i love this girl..she loves me..we are on the same page...etc....she dont care.
my ex loves it..she has allready emailed her and told her all my bad things..lol..like thats possible..hehe...i am just confused..i dont want my girl to hate me..but i want to be happy..i have been alone along time raising my kids.
i wish my girl could be happy for me.
not to mention the age thing gives me pause.....insight would be appreciated...thanks in advance

i have not posted here in ages,a few responces here and there.

I think this is your bigger problem :p

i have a major dilemna,i am quite vexed to be truthful.i am in love with a girl

1) you don't need advice for this
2) lucky git pulling a girl half your age :D
3) you've been seeing a girl for 2 months and you want to marry her, even though you have already tried this 'marriage' thing before :eek:
4) how are you risking your job :confused:

Hell, I wouldn't want to call someone my age 'Dad'
I assume that's how your daughter feels.

Your daughter's gonna wig out--there's no getting around that. She's going to have to deal with the situation as is your girlfriend, and your girlfriend better know what she's getting into here, because it will likely put a strain on any close and personal relationship. The distance is keeping the fire down for now, but if you or she moves, it's likely to get ugly.

Wish I could tell you it'll be easy, but you know it won't. But a big part of this is going to have to be worked out between them, and you may have to tell your daughter that pretty bluntly.

The best advice I can give you is to not take any advice from NSG.

:eek:

That is like some sort of paradox...

*squints*

i have not posted here in ages,a few responces here and there.

i have a major dilemna,i am quite vexed to be truthful.i am in love with a girl that i have not seen in 2 years,i really love her and plan on marrying her.we recently started talking again about 2 months ago,and we are like gump said..peas and carrots...lol...the problem is 2 fold,i am 45 and she is 25,she lives 900 miles away,and my daughter hates the fact that i am serious about a girl not much older then her.
she does not care if i am a pig and go with girls that age for sex..i live at the beach..no shortage...but she hates that i am serious.
we have had talks that go until the sun comes up,i am jeapordisizing my job but i dont care..i love her.
my girl says that i am a fucking grown up and should behave as one..i try to tell her i love this girl..she loves me..we are on the same page...etc....she dont care.
my ex loves it..she has allready emailed her and told her all my bad things..lol..like thats possible..hehe...i am just confused..i dont want my girl to hate me..but i want to be happy..i have been alone along time raising my kids.
i wish my girl could be happy for me.
not to mention the age thing gives me pause.....insight would be appreciated...thanks in advance

date someone your own age, its less creepy. (no offense)

My advice on this subject would not be something you would care to hear, so I won't bother posting...oh wait, too late.

Since I posted anyway, I would say that if you truly love her, than you should marry her, but be sure you know what you're getting into. Also, if your daughter is "close to her age" she is probably an adult and should be able to deal with it, if you meant she is 15-18 and still is going to have to live with you two for awhile, perhaps you could postpone an actual wedding or living together for awhile?

You're about to enter into a hurricane of shit, you and this girl that you 'love'. I just hope that you two are strong enough to see it through.

Move to Japan where the age gap is acceptable.

date someone your own age, its less creepy. (no offense)

Eh I agree, I mean yea dating someone about 5-10 years older or younger than you is no problem, but when dating someone old enough to be your dad, or young enough to be your daughter, that's kinda creepy.

Don't you have any friends you can talk to about this? It seems silly to bring it up here.

At any rate... if you're really in love with this girl, then your daughter will just have to accept it. Obviously, you love your daughter and would, no doubt, accept her decisions even if you didn't agree with them. Likewise she should do the same for you.

have a serious discussion with your daughter as to why she doesnt want you to be serious with this woman.
tell her the things you have told us, and tell her exactly how you feel about your woman (no gory details, she doesn't want to know)
you said that you hadn't seen this woman for 2 years, and you "just started talking again" did you not talk to her at all for those 2 years?
thats like getting to know a whole new person, just about. two months is an awfully short time to decide that you want to marry someone. I'm not saying give up on it, I'm saying give it time to see if it's an infatuation or lonliness. If it's for real, then you'll still want it some time down the road.
Your daughter might come around to the idea of it, too, given some time and meeting the woman.

Best of luck in everything :)

This is a tad strange. But you should have that girl come out to visit your child(not so by age I'm guessing). See what happens. But you probably won't know you absolutely love this girl unless you know you would being in the pressence with her for a long period of time.

If your kid is around teenage years, or so, it would feel like abandonment. You need to supposrot her as much as you can and keep her close to you, because she is YOUR kid. And you need to take her feelings into complete consideration over much of yours.

People, if you want to post here, then actually go for advice. Because this is someone who is a tad creepy, but of age, so we should respect him. If you're offended, then don't look at this forum. Easy Peasy:headbang:

date someone your own age, its less creepy. (no offense)
Dating some one half his age is sadly the least creepy bit of it.

have a serious discussion with your daughter as to why she doesnt want you to be serious with this woman.
tell her the things you have told us, and tell her exactly how you feel about your woman (no gory details, she doesn't want to know)
you said that you hadn't seen this woman for 2 years, and you "just started talking again" did you not talk to her at all for those 2 years?
thats like getting to know a whole new person, just about. two months is an awfully short time to decide that you want to marry someone. I'm not saying give up on it, I'm saying give it time to see if it's an infatuation or lonliness. If it's for real, then you'll still want it some time down the road.
Your daughter might come around to the idea of it, too, given some time and meeting the woman.

Best of luck in everything :)

ty for at least considering my feelings.for everyone else,i have talked to her for the last 2 years,she was in a marriage that i did not want to intercede with.we have talked alot,so it is not the last 2 months..i just love her is all,and she loves me.i did not want to come here and bare my soul to get berated,i just really love her..explain love to me please....my major concern was my girls(22) reaction,and it was negative.
i care about her..go figure...but she says the age thing is no problem..i have said it is...but i love her...and my daughter is pissed..and yes i have talked to my real friends about this..they all say if i am happy and make her happy...no worries,my worry is my kid....i dont need sarcasm,i have enough of that.


can someone please explain love to me?apparently i dont know.all i know is she makes me smile,i make her smile and i dont know what else to say....maybe she makes me feel good about me and i make her feel good also

ty for at least considering my feelings.for everyone else,i have talked to her for the last 2 years,she was in a marriage that i did not want to intercede with.we have talked alot,so it is not the last 2 months..i just love her is all,and she loves me.i did not want to come here and bare my soul to get berated,i just really love her..explain love to me please....my major concern was my girls(22) reaction,and it was negative.
i care about her..go figure...but she says the age thing is no problem..i have said it is...but i love her...and my daughter is pissed..and yes i have talked to my real friends about this..they all say if i am happy and make her happy...no worries,my worry is my kid....i dont need sarcasm,i have enough of that.

Can I ask why you feel compelled to say "I love her" so much?

Your daughter's gonna wig out--there's no getting around that. She's going to have to deal with the situation as is your girlfriend, and your girlfriend better know what she's getting into here, because it will likely put a strain on any close and personal relationship. The distance is keeping the fire down for now, but if you or she moves, it's likely to get ugly.

Wish I could tell you it'll be easy, but you know it won't. But a big part of this is going to have to be worked out between them, and you may have to tell your daughter that pretty bluntly.

i know this but thats what i was asking...thanks

Can I ask why you feel compelled to say "I love her" so much?

ummm cause i do?

i was married for 10 years and my ex is my best friend,and i believe in love..how corny...i thought i had one chance at real love and i apparently was wrong.
i am getting a do over it seems,and i dont want to fuck it up like i did when i was married before..you have no idea of the fears i have...but i believe in love...i want to be the dope with the white picket fence...but i still argue with her about that..i cant believe she loves me...but i will be the best guy i can be...how corny..lol

I say talk to your daughter and marry the girl if she wants to. If you love her and she loves you then thats all there is to it.

ummm cause i do?

i was married for 10 years and my ex is my best friend,and i believe in love..how corny...i thought i had one chance at real love and i apparently was wrong.
i am getting a do over it seems,and i dont want to fuck it up like i did when i was married before..you have no idea of the fears i have...but i believe in love...i want to be the dope with the white picket fence...but i still argue with her about that..i cant believe she loves me...but i will be the best guy i can be...how corny..lol

I just ask because usually when someone repeat something over and over, the person is trying to convience themselves of what they are repeating over and over, just my observation, you can take it or leave it.

No one ever takes my advice, and always end up regretting not listening to me earlier, so I've stopped giving advice but i thought i would give it a try here..

Basically i will give you two words: "Big Mistake"
If that is too close to reality for you, then here's another two words: "Good Luck!"

...cause you'll need it.

I just ask because usually when someone repeat something over and over, the person is trying to convience themselves of what they are repeating over and over, just my observation, you can take it or leave it.
i understand your point.thats why i came here with this problem,i like how everyone is unvarnished honest.
trust me,i am trying to talk myself out of it...but i cant...i adore her.how lame of me..lol

i understand your point.thats why i came here with this problem,i like how everyone is unvarnished honest.
trust me,i am trying to talk myself out of it...but i cant...i adore her.how lame of me..lol

Taking advice here isn't that good of a idea.

Taking advice here isn't that good of a idea.
ty..i am afraid i might get hurt.

ty..i am afraid i might get hurt.

Well you should still do what most people said but in general its not a good idea to take advice here.

Well you should still do what most people said but in general its not a good idea to take advice here.

ok,but is that not an oxymoron?

ok,but is that not an oxymoron?

I guess. However I'm not sure. Some people will give bad advice but others actually do have good advice here.

i have not posted here in ages,a few responces here and there.

i have a major dilemna,i am quite vexed to be truthful.i am in love with a girl that i have not seen in 2 years,i really love her and plan on marrying her.we recently started talking again about 2 months ago,and we are like gump said..peas and carrots...lol...the problem is 2 fold,i am 45 and she is 25,she lives 900 miles away,and my daughter hates the fact that i am serious about a girl not much older then her.
she does not care if i am a pig and go with girls that age for sex..i live at the beach..no shortage...but she hates that i am serious.
we have had talks that go until the sun comes up,i am jeapordisizing my job but i dont care..i love her.
my girl says that i am a fucking grown up and should behave as one..i try to tell her i love this girl..she loves me..we are on the same page...etc....she dont care.
my ex loves it..she has allready emailed her and told her all my bad things..lol..like thats possible..hehe...i am just confused..i dont want my girl to hate me..but i want to be happy..i have been alone along time raising my kids.
i wish my girl could be happy for me.
not to mention the age thing gives me pause.....insight would be appreciated...thanks in advance

How old is your daughter?
If your daughter is grown up (say, over 20, boyfriends, spent nights away from home) then her attitude should be "whatever's good for you dad."

If she's somewhere in 9yo-16yo bracket, your choice of a partner is going to be very important to her, and probably influence her own behaviour. You have to watch what's happening to your daughter, and if that's a bad result for her, suck your gut in and act like a man and tell the new woman to go.

I understand she might have children of her own. I wouldn't be surprised if your situation is more complicated than you have told us. Parenthood looks damn hard to me, from out here.

If your daugther is very small you don't have much freedom, her feelings are the only feelings that matter. If she likes your new g/f as a sometimes-visits sort of friend, that's what your new girlfriend should be. If she blossoms in the presence of the new woman, just let it happen even if it seems you're losing control and having your kid taken off you. It's her call. Your daughter's call. That's freedom, our birthright. :blush:

She needs a mother more than you need a girlfriend. Sorry, mate, straight from the poop-deck. That's how it is.

That's what you get for asking.

When I say the "poop deck" I mean the very top deck of a ship, where the captain is. Me, perhaps, and this raft of orderly words my ship. I meant "right from the heart." I mean "I really mean that."

No irony, no piss-take. I barely know you; that was my advice.

EDIT: Much later, I remember SAM's daughter has a tattoo. So most of my first post, assuming we're talking about a very young kid, clearly doesn't apply. I was probably projecting some strong negative feelings about an entirely different relationship I know of.

Hmm... take is slow. That way it can be easier to iron out any differences that you may find you have with this girl. I've always suspected marriages failed because people entered into them without really knowing what to expect and that thinking everything would be pure bliss. The truth seems to be quite the reverse, because most of what you are sharing in a marriage in the hard to deal with parts of your lives.

Going slow would also give the added benefit that your assuring your daughter that you're not rushing in to anything, and it gives her time to get to know this woman and grant her approval.

If your daughter is only against you seeing this woman because of the age gap then she'll just have to deal with it, but if it's through concern for you then time will help.

So yeah, just take it slow. You've got around another forty years ahead of you. No need to rush into things.

edit: She might also be thinking that if you and her have had a close relationship before then when you get married to this woman then you'll forget all about her. So taking it slow and showing you've not forgeting about your daughter will help too.

if she'll make you happy and has no ulterior motive for going with an older man then there should be nothing stopping you. sounds like your daughter is an adult, no? she'll just have to deal with it, it's not her business really.

have a serious discussion with your daughter as to why she doesnt want you to be serious with this woman.
tell her the things you have told us, and tell her exactly how you feel about your woman (no gory details, she doesn't want to know)
you said that you hadn't seen this woman for 2 years, and you "just started talking again" did you not talk to her at all for those 2 years?
thats like getting to know a whole new person, just about. two months is an awfully short time to decide that you want to marry someone. I'm not saying give up on it, I'm saying give it time to see if it's an infatuation or lonliness. If it's for real, then you'll still want it some time down the road.
Your daughter might come around to the idea of it, too, given some time and meeting the woman.

Best of luck in everything :)

Best piece of advice I've seen on here.

However, from personal experience. I know the people around us can often times see real, existing negative things in a new relationship that we are to blinded (or stubborn) to see. So its important that you delve into your daughters concerns if you have that talk with her and really find out why she is against it. And if its something you disagree with, actually consider whatever that reason is for yourself before immediately deciding she is wrong.



That sounded a lot more negative than I intended.. hmm..

first of all, your daughter will adjust to it over time. as long as your new wife treats her with respect and treats YOU well, she will come to accept that its a really good thing for you.

secondly. GO SLOW.

you havent been in love for a long time; she is just getting out of a bad marriage. neither of you should be jumping into marriage. this sudden seriousness is probably a big factor in freaking your daughter out. you need to date this girl for at least a year before you propose and be engaged for a year before the wedding. if its right, the wait will be no problem; if its wrong, youll find out before you have committed yourselves to each other.

she is 25,she lives 900 miles away,and my daughter hates the fact that i am serious about a girl not much older then her.

That's tough. Your daughter may or may not get over it, if you do marry this girl. I don't know if I could put up with a guy my age marrying my mom. It's really weird and really awkward.

Maybe if your daughter got to meet her and spend time with her it would be ok. That's a big maybe though. However, if she doesn't I'd say stick with the woman you plan on marrying. Let's face it, your daughter will be there for you, but she can't be your companion.