NationStates Jolt Archive

I'd like some neutral opinions on this. Obviously there is every chance that my telling will be biased anyway, but I will do my best to tell things fairly.

My girlfriend, Erica, and I have been dating for over four years. I'm not sure if this matters, but it may, so I'll mention that I am 26 and she is 34; and it may also be worthwhile to note that I have been living on my own since I was 17 while she still lives with her father--though she is planning to move out, closer to school, in the fall (but only for that year).

Anyway, since the beginning I have been extremely jealous of her relationship with particular students in her classes. Until recently, she only ever taught freshman English, so we're talking 17 and 18-year-olds. She may be 34, but she looks more like 25, and she shows a lot of horror films and other popular media--taken as a whole, I doubt many of her students realize she is much older than they are.

Though she has denied it, she definitely gets flirtatious with some of them, and she enjoys stringing them along. She has gotten better, however, over the years: after I insisted against her protests that certain young men in particular were "too interested" in her, and I turned out to be right (two or three of them asked her out directly), she seems to have realized that she must be sending SOME kind of "signals."

Meanwhile, she has also grown disenchanted with some of her "friends," for various reasons: some of them turn out to be total assholes in one way or another, as revealed through their Facebook posts and even the things that they think they can say to her personally--in other words, they've crossed all kinds of lines.

Nevertheless, she continues to become extremely friendly with her students, spending several hours hanging out with them after each class. This is something that I don't really understand, personally--while I have students who absolutely adore me as an instructor, taking as many of my classes as they can, somehow it always seems natural to keep things basically professional. While our conversations may drift in and out of all sorts of contemporary popular culture, generally they are very "academic." There is an exchange of ideas, not gossip or friendly small-talk.

Getting back to the story, over the years she's developed a fairly solid core group. Some of them I actually like, and when I visit her classes I'm happy to chat with them. At least one of them I loathe: a girl who is messed up in all sorts of ways and who manages to suck Erica in as one of her key enablers. Her name is Maggie.

Now, all this came to a head tonight.

Erica and I live three hours apart, but the school where she teaches is only about an hour from here--so when she's done teaching Thursdays, she always comes to visit for a day or two. Last night, she told me that she "might be late" because it is the last day of class and she figured the kids would want to do something.

Now, I have been making a conscious effort to suppress my own jealousy--which, though often somewhat justified, nevertheless causes more problems than it solves--so I agreed. Indeed, as the hours after her class wore on (her class ends at 4pm) I refused to call her to find out when she would be coming, or to pressure her to come. I decided to respect her desire to hang out with her friends, and I trusted that she would, as she said, eventually come.

Still, at some point it started to get a little ridiculous. Finally, at about 11:45pm, she called "to say hi," explaining that Maggie had dragged her out on a venture to visit Maggie's abusive, legally restrained ex-boyfriend. Maggie wanted to "get some stuff." Erica claims that she argued with the girl, trying to explain that going back to this guy in any way was a bad idea, but inevitably she relented--like I said, an enabler. So, she's sitting in the car "bitching" to me about Maggie, making it sound like she's frustrated with her friend and wanting to come to me as soon as the incident is over. But this is a ploy of hers, to pretend to take "my side" against this girl whom I LOATHE, but always giving in and hanging out with the girl.

So, I figured she'd be here soon. But at 12:30, she called "to tell me they lived," still not saying anything about when she was leaving.

I STILL DID NOT CALL, again trying to be respectful. But at 1:30am, I broke down and called. When she answered coolly and I asked, "What's going on?" Her only reply was... "Um, South Park?" They were hanging around watching cartoons at 1:30 in the morning, and she didn't think anything was wrong with that.

For some reason, she said, "If it makes you feel any better, I made someone cry today." And at last, being the bizarre sap that I am, I broke down and admitted, "You're making me cry right now."

Here's where I start to get actually mad at her: she said out loud, as if to announce to the room, "I'm making you cry right now?" And her friends all started to laugh. I yelled "Shut up!" and threw down the phone.

I didn't try to call back for perhaps half an hour. But her phone was off.

She didn't call me again until 3:30am, when she was leaving, and now she's on her way.

She doesn't think there's anything wrong with any of this.

Am I just crazy?



Okay, so this is so long no one will probably read it... but maybe I just needed to vent.

You COULD say there's something wrong with this. I think you may need to give it to her straight: Either treat you with the same respect you treat her with, or just call off the entire sha-bang of a relationship. There is no reason you need to put up with some immature idiot's antics who is, quite clearly, doing nothing but annoying you.

These sorts of relationships are toxic, in all honesty. If all you're getting out of this is frustration, its high-time to move on. There are plenty of other fish in the sea, and you don't need to take this from her if you don't want to.


EDIT: I also actually read the entire thing. Call me crazy. >_>

She doesn't think there's anything wrong with any of this.

Am I just crazy?

I do not know. In all honesty based on this you two seems to be more similar to a teen couple than to two adults in a serious relationship. From both sides.

Here's where I start to get actually mad at her: she said out loud, as if to announce to the room, "I'm making you cry right now?" And her friends all started to laugh. I yelled "Shut up!" and threw down the phone.

It sounds fine until this part.

I mean, you have no real right to intrude on her time although, in a mutually respectful relationship, each should be sensitive to the other's wishes to some degree. If it's in her nature to enjoy spending time with students then, well, good for her.

Yet, at the quoted point, it seems to be a bone of contention that has escalated into something else, as though she enjoys frustrating you in terms of the time you want to spend with her.

Neither of you is right or wrong here, but the situation is a little wrong as it would indicate a long-term unresolved issue. The fact that she's not called you to update to the point of switching off the phone (admittedly could be a number of reasons) shows a lack of respect to some degree.

How much have you listened to her thoughts on time spent with each other.

Seems to me like you are in a difficult relationship, that's tough as it is. I feel really sorry for you reading this.

But I know how you feel. Sometimes you feel there is something wrong about your relationship and your partner doesn't seem to realize so. I think what you should do is try telling her, very clearly, what exactly you think is wrong. But try not to accuse her directly of anything (words like 'I think' or 'I get the feeling' always come off better than 'you did this' and 'you're doing that').
But since I'm talking to someone who has six years up on me, you probably already know and have tried that.

I still feel it's important to say that what she is doing, is probably violating all sorts of rules. I don't know what kind of school she teaches in, but in most schools, teachers and professors are obliged to keep the relationship with their students on a professional, academic level. From what I'm reading, that's the hardest wrong I see her doing: she's getting far too involved with people that she has a responsibility over. Per definition, the relationship between a teacher and a student HAS to be: 'someone is wiser than the other and teaches them things'. On such a basis, one can NEVER build an equal friendship. Maybe you should tell her that. The bond she has with her students will damage her academic credibility.

I hope you can work it out. In any case, don't feel like you're at fault here. I don't think you are.

I think what you should do is try telling her, very clearly, what exactly you think is wrong. But try not to accuse her directly of anything (words like 'I think' or 'I get the feeling' always come off better than 'you did this' and 'you're doing that').I've tried, very nicely, many times in the past. The problem isn't that what I say makes her angry... the problem is that as soon as I want to talk "seriously" about our relationship, she starts rolling her eyes. She basically shuts down, clams up, and doesn't really listen to anything I have to say.

So, I wrote her a long letter explaining everything. Maybe she'll react better if she can just sit down and read it.

I do not know. In all honesty based on this you two seems to be more similar to a teen couple than to two adults in a serious relationship. From both sides.Well, I'll admit that I have a problem with jealousy, but I honestly think I'm being the mature one in that I recognize that I have a problem and I try very hard to be rational even when I want to know what she's doing, with whom she's doing it, all the time.

And over the years, I have gotten better.

Ironically, I think she is being the teenager--and she's eight years older than I am. She's never left her father's home, and I think hanging out with all these kids is bringing something out in her that she never resolved in the usual fashion.

She's acting like I did when I was nineteen years old.

(By the way, I think my jealousy has a lot to do with having been cheated on in my last relationship. That's not an excuse, and it's not fair to transfer feelings about my ex- onto Erica, but it helps to understand where these feelings come from.)

I've tried, very nicely, many times in the past. The problem isn't that what I say makes her angry... the problem is that as soon as I want to talk "seriously" about our relationship, she starts rolling her eyes. She basically shuts down, clams up, and doesn't really listen to anything I have to say.

So, I wrote her a long letter explaining everything. Maybe she'll react better if she can just sit down and read it.

Can I ask, is she divorced, or at least was previously in a long-term relationship that didn't end, as she would have wanted, in marriage?

I've tried, very nicely, many times in the past. The problem isn't that what I say makes her angry... the problem is that as soon as I want to talk "seriously" about our relationship, she starts rolling her eyes. She basically shuts down, clams up, and doesn't really listen to anything I have to say.

So, I wrote her a long letter explaining everything. Maybe she'll react better if she can just sit down and read it.

That's... Well that just sucks. But the letter is a good idea. However, you should hold in account the possibility that getting confronted with herself like that, could make her really angry too. The problem with letters is that she can take everything you've written the wrong way.
Something's out of wack in your relationship if you can't even talk straight to each other or listen to what the other person has to say. I mean, of course it's normal to clamp up sometimes or to just run, but it shouldn't be rule.

Can I ask, is she divorced, or at least was previously in a long-term relationship that didn't end, as she would have wanted, in marriage?No, and no. She's not exactly "anti" marriage, but she's definitely NOT interested and I'm confident that she never has been.

She has, however, had a lot of very disturbing and damaging relationships, including a "first time" that bordered very closely on rape. I'm not a psychologist by profession, but I do work with psych literature a lot in the context of political theory... and my amateur "diagnosis" would have something to do with her playing on her "sex appeal" as a kind of power. That's why she flirts, that's why she soooo loves to have these young men falling all over her.

The problem with letters is that she can take everything you've written the wrong way.

Second that. *If* you are letting her read the letter, be there to answer questions. Do not just give it and walk away, thinking she will understand you perfectly. She almost certainly won't and misunderstand in ways you did not even think about.

No, and no. She's not exactly "anti" marriage, but she's definitely NOT interested and I'm confident that she never has been.

She has, however, had a lot of very disturbing and damaging relationships, including a "first time" that bordered very closely on rape. I'm not a psychologist by profession, but I do work with psych literature a lot in the context of political theory... and my amateur "diagnosis" would have something to do with her playing on her "sex appeal" as a kind of power. That's why she flirts, that's why she soooo loves to have these young men falling all over her.

Right, well it still seems to be a 'trust' issue. She's had her trust abused in the past and is unwilling to give it again. Hence not wishing to talk about the relationship or commit to the future or even respond to your entirely reasonable requests.

My personal opinion, walk away unless you're prepared to provide infinite patience with no real promise of eventual reward.

Cerean;12586078']That chick needs to do a lot of growing up. Surprised you wasted four years on her.

I agree. She's still living with her parents while you have been out of the house for a year or ten now, that kind of makes you the adult one here.

That chick needs to do a lot of growing up. Surprised you wasted four years on her.

Sounds to me like you are imcompatable with each other at this stage in your lives.

Refusing to talk about issues, scoring points by humilating you in front of her friends (whom she knows you to have negative feelings about) sounds like she is very much at an adolescent stage in her development so far as romantic relationships go. You appear to have passed that stage and if so the two of you really are at different life-stages at this point and probably ought to consider cutting your loses.

I've tried, very nicely, many times in the past. The problem isn't that what I say makes her angry... the problem is that as soon as I want to talk "seriously" about our relationship, she starts rolling her eyes. She basically shuts down, clams up, and doesn't really listen to anything I have to say.Ask her why she isn't willing to listen to what you have to say, at least not without rolling her eyes.

oh dude, that sucks. even in the best case, it both is and isn't overreacting on your part. because on the one hand, you have plenty of cause for concern. but merely expressing that concern often makes it appear to jump over the line, just by the nature of human psychology and the fucked up dynamics of such situations.

I dunno why I read this, especially since I like to avoid such drama like the plague.

I have a friend who is a few years older than myself that teaches high school english, and ironically enough, is engaged to a high school math teacher.
They too, have a weekend relationship and have for several years.

This friend of mine is somewhat reknown as a true partier.
Indeed, he can bash it up much better than I can, and Im a younger man.

Let me tell you what he doesnt do...

Mix his personal and professional lives.

Its NEVER a good idea for a teacher to spend that much time around thier students, "just hanging out" until 1:30 in the morning.
Sorry, but I call her motives into question.

Teachers are role models as well as instructors. At home, your girlfriend can be whomever she wants, but while on the job, she has an obligaton to be the adult.
Flirting with students and "hanging out" with them is unacceptable even if she were a couple years older.

Thats her problem.

Your problem is you seem like a bit of a drama queen. (no offense)
Ask yourself something:
Why would this woman rather hang out with her students, instead of you, her boyfriend?

Sounds to me like this woman has some mental health issues regarding age regression. She refuses to grow up, and flirting with her students and spending time with them, instead of you, is another way for her to "be young".

Is that the kind of woman you want?

If what I say has any merit, then she isnt going to be truly satisfied by an older man, except in some "fatherly" role.

I suggest you take a good look at your relationship, and decide whether you want to play second fiddle to children, or maybe get some stones...tell her how you feel about this, and give her a choice...you or them.

Stand up for yourself, man.

Yep. You overreacted. But the big reason why you overreacted is because you never reacted. Communication is vital to a long-term relationship and I think that the two of you need to discuss these things. I'm sure there are things about you that annoy her too. That's probably what she talks to her friends about.

And I can see her point; A little of you goes a long way. :)

OP snip

your girlfriend seems very immature.
The fact is you seem to want a serious relationship and everything that intails. She on the other hand seems to get on well if her students because they seem to have the same mental age.

Am I just crazy?Yes, but after 4 years she should know that of you by now and have a better way of dealing with it. And vice versa.

I'm no therapist, but it sounds to me like she's addicted to all the attention she gets from them, and also the comment she made to you on the phone makes it sound like she enjoys manipulating other's around her for her amusement.

Honestly? If it were me I'd dump her. She sounds very immature.

Get her to post her side of the story.

This whole "suppressed jealousy" thing has got to go. Trust is part of a healthy relationship. Talk to her about your jealousy and such, because open, honest communication is also part of a healthy relationship. But hey, it's your trip, not mine. Torpedo it however you like ;)

I'm no therapist, but it sounds to me like she's addicted to all the attention she gets from them, and also the comment she made to you on the phone makes it sound like she enjoys manipulating other's around her for her amusement.

Honestly? If it were me I'd dump her. She sounds very immature.

I agree that you're no therapist. "Addicted to attention" is taking the "addiction" addiction in pop psych a wee bit far, don'tcha think?

Get her to post her side of the story.

Also a good idea.

Hmm, you two seem completely and totally incompatable. You seem the more romantic type, and she seems like a (rather messed up) party girl. Trust me, these relationships only work for a certain length of time, and i think yours is reaching its limit.

On the other hand, if you love her enough not to want to leave her then first, ask yourself this, are YOU willing to change? Because she is obvously not mature enough to do so unless you have made quite a serious first move in changing.
So, firstly never EVER tell that sort of girl she is making you cry, she will just think your a wimp. Also, instead of waiting in for her when she goes out, just say "Well call me when you get in and i'll meet you" and then go out aswell. I know its a four year relationship, but she obviously still wants to play all the stupid mind games that usually break up relationships long before that stage.

Also, her behaviour with her students is really REALLY odd, why dont you show her everyones reaction to her behavious with her students in this thread? Maybe having it said from many different people will wake her up a bit. She also appreads to need councelling due to her past experiences, but i have no idea how your going to get her to do that.

So basically, Dump her, unless you really really dont want to whereas go have a life of your own and dont wait up for her. If she wants you she will have to put some effort in.

How much of your relationship is based on sex and how much of it is based on non-physical personal interaction?

Its NEVER a good idea for a teacher to spend that much time around thier students, "just hanging out" until 1:30 in the morning.
Sorry, but I call her motives into question.

Teachers are role models as well as instructors. At home, your girlfriend can be whomever she wants, but while on the job, she has an obligaton to be the adult.
Flirting with students and "hanging out" with them is unacceptable even if she were a couple years older.

Thats her problem.

Your problem is you seem like a bit of a drama queen. (no offense)
Ask yourself something:
Why would this woman rather hang out with her students, instead of you, her boyfriend?

Sounds to me like this woman has some mental health issues regarding age regression. She refuses to grow up, and flirting with her students and spending time with them, instead of you, is another way for her to "be young".


Thats a double QFT moment there.

Well, I am a girl who liked to party, had a lot of flings, dated a lot of tough guys and when my Fiance told me I made him cry, I didn't think he was a wimp, rather the strongest guy I've been with.

The relationship your Girlfriend has with her students maybe a slight abuse of her position. Teaching is a job, not a Singles Bar or a place to make friends. -It seems weird to me that a 34 year old needs and wants validation from kids generations removed from her and maybe should look at why she has no friends her own age. You mentioned that her friends were saying things about her she didn't like? Maybe she should take that into consideration.

In saying that, teachers are human and sometimes people click and become friends no matter the age generation or the circumstances. I also think it's great that she can engage her students so much, teachers like that can really change students lives for the better. However, flirting or using sexual signals as a "game" or to validate yourself when you're a teacher, IS crossing a line.

Also, while there are sometimes cultural or mitigating factors, on the whole, I do not think it is healthy for a 34 year to still be living at home. There is a time to grow up, act responsible for yourself and to make you own way in the world.

Why are you with this women? She obviously disrespects you as many people have mentioned.. you even realise she disrepects your relationship.
Too many people are with someone because they don't want to be single... and they keep going with a relationship that is going nowhere because of fear. Now is this you, or do you really believe this can work? And more importantly, do you want it to work?

You have some three choices, continue to overreact like this and continue to be unhappy and do nothing, get rid of her, or do some serious work on your relationship- which takes two and maybe she doesn't want too.

Umm it does sound abit off to me. What age are her students?

I dunno why I read this, especially since I like to avoid such drama like the plague.

I have a friend who is a few years older than myself that teaches high school english, and ironically enough, is engaged to a high school math teacher.
They too, have a weekend relationship and have for several years.

This friend of mine is somewhat reknown as a true partier.
Indeed, he can bash it up much better than I can, and Im a younger man.

Let me tell you what he doesnt do...

Mix his personal and professional lives.

Its NEVER a good idea for a teacher to spend that much time around thier students, "just hanging out" until 1:30 in the morning.
Sorry, but I call her motives into question.

Teachers are role models as well as instructors. At home, your girlfriend can be whomever she wants, but while on the job, she has an obligaton to be the adult.
Flirting with students and "hanging out" with them is unacceptable even if she were a couple years older.

Thats her problem.

Your problem is you seem like a bit of a drama queen. (no offense)
Ask yourself something:
Why would this woman rather hang out with her students, instead of you, her boyfriend?

Sounds to me like this woman has some mental health issues regarding age regression. She refuses to grow up, and flirting with her students and spending time with them, instead of you, is another way for her to "be young".

Is that the kind of woman you want?

If what I say has any merit, then she isnt going to be truly satisfied by an older man, except in some "fatherly" role.

I suggest you take a good look at your relationship, and decide whether you want to play second fiddle to children, or maybe get some stones...tell her how you feel about this, and give her a choice...you or them.

Stand up for yourself, man.I agree with this, she seems to spending just a wee bit too much time with her students.

I've been out to pubs or cafes with teachers at the end of the year, but never to their house, and I was pretty much the 'favourite' of every teacher at school.

And it sounds like you've been bottling yourself up for quite some time about the way you feel about the relationship. Not a good thing also.

Just to make sure i have this straight, a 34 year old teacher spent the night hanging out with her 17 year old student?

LOL

Sorry man, but you must have more horns in your head than the devil himself.

She probabily cheated you left and right for the last 4 years and you havent even noticed it.

And she probabily considers you to be her fuck buddy instead of boyfriend anyway. Unless you have a huge dick and is the master pimp of the neighborhood.

*snip*Alright, from the perspective of a teacher:

She is crossing a lot of professional boundaries here. In fact, depending on the professional code of conduct operative in her district, she's probably breaking more than a few. Flirting with students (or passively-agressively whatever encouraging them), socialising with them to the extent she does, etc...if she hasn't run into a disciplinary committee yet, she's headed for it. Just because she's a woman doesn't mean some parent isn't going to be able to (successfully) slap her with any number of civil suits in regards to their kid. Teachers are particularily vulnerable to that, being in the position of authority that they are.

From the perspective of just, well...me:

She belittled you in front of her 'clique'? Look, clearly the woman feels more comfortable with people who are younger than her. In some cases, a lot younger than her. Probably because her level of maturity matches theirs.

I'd be upse too, but then again, I really don't know anything about your situation outside of what you've described here...so take that with a grain of salt.

you are unreasonably jealous. she seems to have gone past her limit of tolerance and went a bit passive agressive to punish you for being controlling.

what do you want out of this relationship? is it really meeting your needs? is it going in the direction you want? are you satisfied with the idea that you will always be the long distance boyfriend? she just chose her local friends over you. it will happen many more times. are you OK with that?

you need to think about what YOU want then have a discussion with her about it. maybe you can come to an accomodation that keeps you both happy; maybe you need to find a more quiet girl closer to home.

Argh, I'm wanting to make science puns...

That wasn't overreacting... this is - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eCk0lYB_8c0

*hides because of the sheer geekiness factor*

you are unreasonably jealous. she seems to have gone past her limit of tolerance and went a bit passive agressive to punish you for being controlling.

what do you want out of this relationship? is it really meeting your needs? is it going in the direction you want? are you satisfied with the idea that you will always be the long distance boyfriend? she just chose her local friends over you. it will happen many more times. are you OK with that?

you need to think about what YOU want then have a discussion with her about it. maybe you can come to an accomodation that keeps you both happy; maybe you need to find a more quiet girl closer to home.

Unreasonably jelous? Naaa I think he is resaonbly so.

Jealousy in any case is always unreasonable in a relationship. However, you really should consider the matureaty level of your partner here too. You need to discover if you are really what you think you are or not. You could be the boyfreind she loves and cares about or you might just be the fuck buddy (though personally freinds with benefits ended for me after college let up). It sounds to me like perhaps she is not quite all that mature... 34 and with her parents? I'm 23 and stuck with mine simply because I can hardly afford my bills from college and I agonize over the fact pretty much every day. I can't afford to live on my own and what money I don't pay for my loans (about 75% of my current earnings) I end up giving to my mom for house expenses and such. But at 34 shes is still living with her parents... is it her idea or her parents idea? Her family may be one of those ultra conservative types that beleives a young woman must either live with thier parents until death or marriage. (no arguments, in todays world 34 is young). That can explain her maturity level (as a means of rebelling or perhaps from constant parental babying).

I think you should get her to read what has been said here. Some of the people here have spoken some serious wisdom and they should be listened to.

Yah. You are totally overreacting.

What's it to you that she likes flirting. It's none of your business really. Same thing for the friends that she chooses. She's an adult, she can do what she wants.

Also, jealously, always bad.

Also, you seem to read far to much into things. Maybe you loathe this chick she's hanging around with, but that doesn't mean she does. So it is just possible that whatever's happening here is just not about you. It could be that she actually was doing something that she felt was important for a friend -regardless of your feelings about the individual - and your constant needy phone calls were an irritant. And at the very least she called you fairly promptly about visiting the crazy man's house and soon after they visited so you wouldn't worry, so I don't see the problem here. (Well I do, actually, it sounds like you want her at your beck and call, even though you won't admit it).

Basically it sounds like:

1. A close-ish friend of hers was having some kind of problem/crisis. (Real or imagined).

2. Erica decided to help her because its her friend.

3. Erica altered her schedule because of the problem, yet still took time out to call you and reassure you she was safe.

Frankly, I don't see what she did wrong. I'm not surprised she got angry at your phone calling hysterics. I would too.

Bottom line, either you like her enough the way she is, or you don't. If you don't just move on. Expecting people to change to suit you is a little monomaniacal. Also, it's not very nice to go around calling your girlfriend an enabler just because you don't like some of the company she keeps. It's not like she's hanging out with sex traffickers, it all seems fairly innocent in fact.

Anyway, if there is all this drama over this high school bullshit, I don't expect this relationship will last very much longer anyway. So I wouldn't worry about it too much.

Anyway, if there is all this drama over this high school bullshit, I don't expect this relationship will last very much longer anyway. So I wouldn't worry about it too much.

I think "drama" and "high school bullshit" are the key words here.

In any case, I'll give my two cents to AnarchyeL.

It's pretty clear that you and she both have some unresolved personal issues. She needs to develop the appropriate emotional maturity for a 34 year old, and you need to solve the jealousy problem. Not just work on, but solve. It took me several months to solve my jealousy issues after my last relationship ended partly due to unfaithfulness, so I know it's not easy, but it's very necessary if you want to have another relationship at some point.

If I were you, I'd dump her after a nice long talk with her and then take some time for yourself.

I really hope things work out for both you and her.

See, this is why I don't do relationships.

Well, i think the response to this is a fairly conclusive one and can be summed up in two words:

Dump her.

It doesnt particularly matter whos fault or who is overeactive, you are just obviously not suited to each other.

unreasonably jealous? if i was in a relationship for four years and my girlfriend didn't take seriously an admission she was upsetting me enough to make me cry, no what the context, that'd be it.

and controlling? let's be honest, it's FOUR years. the only people I know in four year relationships are either inseperable, or on the brink of splitting. this relationship = no good, and i don't say that just because of the incident. it doesn't sound like you're inseparable, and that's a bad sign.

unreasonably jealous? if i was in a relationship for four years and my girlfriend didn't take seriously an admission she was upsetting me enough to make me cry, no what the context, that'd be it.

and controlling? let's be honest, it's FOUR years. the only people I know in four year relationships are either inseperable, or on the brink of splitting. this relationship = no good, and i don't say that just because of the incident. it doesn't sound like you're inseparable, and that's a bad sign.

yeah unreasonably jealous. he is jealous of her FRIENDS. he is jealous of her having out of class friendships with 18 year olds. does he think that she is cheating on him with these kids? does he have any reason to think so?

yeah controlling. he is pissed that she decided that she needed to help out her friend. he threw a snit as if she owes him all her free time. thats controlling.

if she doesnt want the same kind of relationship he wants, he needs to move on. he needs to find a girl who is in the same town and has a similar schedule. that way he doesnt have to feel dissed that she decides to go out with friends when she could be with him. (which is the root of the problem eh? since they cant be together very often he wants her to always be with him whenever its possible. she is an adult with priorities of her own)

AnarchyeL get a blog...

Anyway, get out of the relationship. It's crystal clear neither of you respect the other and both of you resent each other, for various reasons. People don't just deal with shit like that and live happily ever after.

If you have the money, time and inclination - both of you - to find a damn good priest or couples therapist, you might turn your relationship around. Getting stranded on a deserted island for 6 months might do the trick too. Short of that, you'll just keep getting more and more fed up with each other 'til you break up or one of you dies. I've seen the latter and it looks a lot less fun than the former, so really; split up & move on.

I doubt you can make yourself, but you could email her the text of your OP, along with profuse apologies and tickets to a show she likes (or something similar). But if you don't know what you're apologising for, it'll backfire badly.

You seem to be rather controlling, and she don't appear to be very submissive at all. And quite clearly, she don't agree you need to save her. I'm sure those aren't the only problems you have, though. Unfortunately your mindset's utterly alien to me, so I can't give you much in the way of advice. Heartless Bitches is brought up from time to time. You might want to check it out.
Either way, dominance belongs in the bedroom. And it should never, ever be combined with fits of childish outrage over lacking responsiveness of your minion.

yeah unreasonably jealous. he is jealous of her FRIENDS. he is jealous of her having out of class friendships with 18 year olds.

Which indeed is somewhat debateable, considering she is those kids 34 year old teacher. But of course, that is not why the OP is upset.

As I said: both he and she are acting like teenagers. Perhaps they should start viewing the relationship in that light.

I try to avoid the crazy girls, especially those that live with their dad at 34, let's not go into the psychological implications of that. You tagged a big one. Are you sure she is 34 as opposed to 17? This strikes me as 15-17 year old behavior which is way too immature for some one who says he has been living on his own for years. I don't see how you got to 4 years without seeing it until now.

he threw a snit as if she owes him all her free time

maybe. but the more charitable interpretation is that he 'threw a snit' because the person he was expecting to spend the evening with said she might be a little late and instead didn't get on the road to him until nearly 12 hours later. that's the sort of thing that one should probably make clear beforehand. especially in a semi-long distance relationship.

long-distance is fucking tough enough already.

unreasonably jealous? if i was in a relationship for four years and my girlfriend didn't take seriously an admission she was upsetting me enough to make me cry, no what the context, that'd be it.

and controlling? let's be honest, it's FOUR years. the only people I know in four year relationships are either inseperable, or on the brink of splitting. this relationship = no good, and i don't say that just because of the incident. it doesn't sound like you're inseparable, and that's a bad sign.

My wife and I are both relatively young (31, 36) and we both teach at a major University. I would never EVER just "hang out" with any of my students outside of class, unless it was a "class party" or some other class-related activity, and certainly not until 1:00 in the morning! And my students are adult (at least all over 18) college students!! Dude, read this slowly and carefully: This is entirely abnormal behavior for a 34 year old and is entirely unacceptable. On that criterion alone, she needs to go.

These aren't her "friends," they're her students! First of all, I wouldn't WANT my social life to intersect with that of my students because they're... 19! And I don't want to hang out with 19 year olds because I'm... in my 30s! Secondly, how can you do your job and objectively evaluate the work of people you watch Southpark with until 1:30 in the morning? Wrong, wrong W-R-O-N-G. At my University, whenever word gets out that some prof. does stupid stuff like this, it usually ends up in firing (if not tenured) or a lawsuit (if tenured)...and rightly so. IF these are high school kids, triply so. Thirdly, there is an important student/teacher power dynamic here that your girlfriend is exploiting for her own personal satisfaction, and I think that's just plain sick. All I can say is that if my wife ever started hanging out and befriending her students outside of school, we'd be in a therapists office quicker than you can say "Debra Lafave." This crosses so many lines and on so many levels...

But forget about all the professional issues for a minute: If this 34 year old woman needs to hang out with teenagers for fun instead of you, then I suggest you let her do it and dump her like a load of bricks. Moreover, she disrespects you because she can. She does it because you don't do anything about it when she does. Dude, had it been me, she'd have gotten a call at about 8:00 or so telling her not to bother showing up at all. Why should you be waiting up till all hours of the night for someone who clearly has no respect for you? And had the roles been reversed, I can assure you my wife would have done the exact same to me, and marriage would have been totally out of the question until some mutual understandings were had. Stop wasting your time. Find someone normal. And deal with your jealousy issues.

Aside from any professional rules she's breaking (by the ton, it seems), when you've been with a person for four years, there's an expected level of respect to be had in the relationship. She has no respect for you or your relationship. Ultimately, she probably has little respect for herself and she likely needs a therapist. By what you said here, it makes a person wonder what she's even doing in a relationship because she doesn't seem to want one at all or have the ability to handle a serious adult situation. You seem to have some wits about you and all that. It sucks putting that much time into a person to realize it's been wasted time, but the woman needs help you can't give her. Even if she does decide to learn how to at least pretend to play house and be married, etc, do you want to be the husband/boyfriend/etc of the woman who got knocked up by her student or the poor sap that got killed by the jealous teenage boyfriend?

Am I just crazy?



Okay, so this is so long no one will probably read it... but maybe I just needed to vent.I did read the whole thing and you're certainly not crazy. I don't have any fluff'n'fold solution to offer, though, but since the thread is at page 4 by now and NS is usually pretty good at this sort of thing, I trust you already received lots of good advice or just sympathetic listening.

I trust you already received lots of good advice

well, nobody suggested going on a murderous rampage in some powerless foreign country, at least.

well, nobody suggested going on a murderous rampage in some powerless foreign country, at least.
Hey, it's a start. *pats NSG*

well, nobody suggested going on a murderous rampage in some powerless foreign country, at least.

yet

well, nobody suggested going on a murderous rampage in some powerless foreign country, at least.
Did I miss my cue? Dang!

She is how old? And still lives with her Dad? Good god, she has serious issues. You do not sound like an adult couple in a relationship, you sound like teenagers.

I think that you are putting WAY more into this relationship than she is, to me if you had any sort of adult relationship by now you would be living together or at least planning to be. She does not treat your relationship as seriously as you do, she would rather hang around with people that she tells you are a pain in the ass, she is most likely telling them the same thing about you, plus she choose to humiliate you by letting them know you were upset by her behaviour. She lied to you about coming to see you, she had to intention of coming home after school and should have just had the decency to be honest enough to tell you her plans from the outset. If I were you I would be looking for a girlfriend who actually wants to spend time with you.