NationStates Jolt Archive

I've thought it over quite thoroughly, running through all the various scenarios and I've come to the conclusion that the only satisfactory ending to Marvel's current situation would be as follows:

Iron Man in his Fortress of Dickheadedness holding Captain America's shield
Iron Man: I am Iron Man! I used to be cool, but now I am an asshole! I betrayed my friend Captain America and, after he got sniped, I stole his awesome sheild! (puts on shield.) My wrist is much too big and chunky and I'll probably end up breaking it, but it dosn't matter because its rightful owner is dead!
Captain America: (enters) Not as dead as you think!
Iron Man: What the crap?!!
Captain America: I'm here to kick your ass, Stark!
Iron Man: I am Iron Man.
Captain America: Iron Man is too cool a name for an asshole like you, Stark!
Iron Man: Eat pulsar ray! (shoots pulsar ray, Cap dodges)
Captain America: The power of awesomeness protects me! (runs at Iron Man. Iron man flies upwards, shoots own three pulsar rays. Cap doges first two, third one hits. Iron Man flies own and hits Cap with shield.
Iron Man: I'm beating you up with your own shield! (Cap kicks him in throat) Aaah, my delicate esophagus! (Cap pushes him over and jumps into air. Iron Man puts shield in front of face. I must protct my esophagus from further attack! (Cap lands foot first on Iron Man's crotch) Ow! You are so awesome, you can hurt my genitals even through my armour!
Captin America: I reclaim my shield! (takes back shield)
Iron Man: (gets up) You die now! (shoots pulsar ray, which Cap blocks with shield. Cap hits Iron Man in throat with shield) Aaah! You have attacked my esophagus again! (Cap knes Iron Man in balls) And brought pain to my testiles for a second time! (Cap takes off Iron Man's mask) No! Not my mask! Without it, I am not as attractiv as you!
Captain America: Now I will flatten your not-especially-attractive face with the awesomeness of my shield, which is mine and not yours! (hits Iron man in face with shield. Iron Man falls over) Remember kids, don't do drugs!
Iron Man: But didn't you get all your powers from dr-
Captain America: Shut up, asshole.
THE END

I've thought it over quite thoroughly, running through all the various scenarios and I've come to the conclusion that the only satisfactory ending to Marvel's current situation would be as follows:

Iron Man in his Fortress of Dickheadedness holding Captain America's shield
Iron Man: I am Iron Man! I used to be cool, but now I am an asshole! I betrayed my friend Captain America and, after he got sniped, I stole his awesome sheild! (puts on shield.) My wrist is much too big and chunky and I'll probably end up breaking it, but it dosn't matter because its rightful owner is dead!
Captain America: (enters) Not as dead as you think!
Iron Man: What the crap?!!
Captain America: I'm here to kick your ass, Stark!
Iron Man: I am Iron Man.
Captain America: Iron Man is too cool a name for an asshole like you, Stark!
Iron Man: Eat pulsar ray! (shoots pulsar ray, Cap dodges)
Captain America: The power of awesomeness protects me! (runs at Iron Man. Iron man flies upwards, shoots own three pulsar rays. Cap doges first two, third one hits. Iron Man flies own and hits Cap with shield.
Iron Man: I'm beating you up with your own shield! (Cap kicks him in throat) Aaah, my delicate esophagus! (Cap pushes him over and jumps into air. Iron Man puts shield in front of face. I must protct my esophagus from further attack! (Cap lands foot first on Iron Man's crotch) Ow! You are so awesome, you can hurt my genitals even through my armour!
Captin America: I reclaim my shield! (takes back shield)
Iron Man: (gets up) You die now! (shoots pulsar ray, which Cap blocks with shield. Cap hits Iron Man in throat with shield) Aaah! You have attacked my esophagus again! (Cap knes Iron Man in balls) And brought pain to my testiles for a second time! (Cap takes off Iron Man's mask) No! Not my mask! Without it, I am not as attractiv as you!
Captain America: Now I will flatten your not-especially-attractive face with the awesomeness of my shield, which is mine and not yours! (hits Iron man in face with shield. Iron Man falls over) Remember kids, don't do drugs!
Iron Man: But didn't you get all your powers from dr-
Captain America: Shut up, asshole.
THE END

I like you. You're silly. :)

No. Don't you see? The whole war could have been dealt with if only the UN had set up a new International Super Hero Team: The Peace Keepers!

*Meanwhile in the UNPK compound underneath the UN building, New York*

Blue Helmet Boy: Redundant Resolutions, Peacenikman! There's a Superhero Civil War going on up there! Shouldn't we go up there and try and negotiate a cease-fire?
Peacenikman: Hold on there Blue Helmet Boy. We still need a mandate from the UNSC. And our guns. Not that we'll use them or anything.
Blue Helmet Boy: ... Suffering Srebenica, Peacenikman, you suck!


EDIT: By the way, does anyone know where I can get a complete listing of the Civil War comics? I became interested because we have quite a few in the local comic book store, but they seem to be pretty disparate, from different points in the story arc.

There's already a perfectly satisfactory end. Hulk's going to kill everyone.

ummm...hot gay sex between Captain America, Spiderman and Thor?

I got one: get better writers.