NationStates Jolt Archive

Ok, so I know I've posted about this before, but I'm going to do it again anyways, so there! Comments welcome and wanted. =)

Most of this is a cut-and-paste from my blog, slightly modified for NSG.

So, I'm getting married in 33 days and there's one little thing I still haven't figured out. What the hell am I going to do with my name?

The feminist in me balks a bit at the idea of just taking his surname. The romantic in me really, really wants us both to have the same surname. And the Libra in me is strangely silent, deciding not to push for hyphenation, which I largely see as a cop-out. So, for a while, the romantic had overruled the feminist and the silent Libra by pointing out that I wasn't going to change my name because someone said I had to, but because I actually wanted to.

"But wait!" the feminist says, "There's your career to think about...." And, indeed, there is. While I've only had a few publications (and a couple more on the way, hopefully), those are publications in which my maiden name is used. Were I to change my name completely, I may as well forget about those publications. I can put them on my CV and all of that, but they'll be lost to anyone in the future who wants to use a search engine to see what I have done and what my expertise is in a given area. I'm told that hyphenating will cover this, at least in some search engines. And it would make it fairly obvious that I may have published under a different surname.

But, like I said, I've always seen hyphenation as kind of a cop-out. It always seemed to me like it was someone trying to please everyone, rather than just do whatever it was they really wanted to do. And, if I hyphenated, I still wouldn't share a surname with my husband (is it bad that saying "my husband" sounds weird?).

Ah, but there is another option, says (interestingly enough) the preacher. She and her husband both hyphenated. So they share a surname which includes both of their "maiden" (what would the equivalent be for a guy? "master"?) names. This option seems to have it all. I don't have to worry too much about it affecting my professional life, we both share a surname, and it has the added benefit of probably annoying the heck out of his family (ok, that's a benefit to him, but I can sell it any way I want, right?). The feminist, the romantic, and even the Libra can all agree!

This option does come with quite a downside, however. It's freaking inconvenient. The law currently makes it relatively easy and inexpensive for a woman to change her name when she gets married. Not so for a man. Sure, we'd both have to deal with all of the paperwork involved with making sure all the people who you owe money know your real name. And we'd both have to deal with getting the IRS and social security offices to get up off their asses and actually care about all the paperwork we'd have to file. But he'd have to go through the general name-change process, which would include the possibility of the judge just up and saying, "Hell, no!" This guy is dealing with this sort of issue.

http://abcnews.go.com/US/story?id=2778930&page=1&CMP=OTC-RSSFeeds0312

Well, actually, according to the news story, Georgia law actually doesn't make it harder for men. Since when is GA ahead of anyone but Alabama on these sorts of things? Could it be that we have a good solution? Or did ABC mistake GA for one of those "librul" states?

Personal opinion: Pick whichever you want. You can also just keep writing under your maiden name while having your legal name be changed (There's nothing that says you can't and I know a few female professors who have done the same).

Legally though, yeah, the laws REALLY need to get changed in order to allow for the guy to be able to easily change his name should he want to after he and his bride get hitched.

I think married couples should not only share the same last name, but the first one as well. That will show their union and fidelity in an undeniable way! And be very fun for the rest of us too. :)

another way i have seen done (particulalry by academics) is rather than hyphenation just take the spouses name as an extra middle name, that way you can write it or not depending on the circumstance or your whim. examples i can think of are Marie Louise Stig Sorensen and Vivian Broman Morales.

I think married couples should not only share the same last name, but the first one as well. That will show their union and fidelity in an undeniable way! And be very fun for the rest of us too. :)

You are from marklar right? ;)

As to the OP:

Pick whatever you want and take your time. I didn't care what my wife wanted. I wouldn't take the womans name. I'm old fashion in that aspect. However, I wouldn't expect her to take my name.

In the end she hyphenated. It's hardly a copout.

Germans correct me if I am wrong but isn't it standard practice?

Personal opinion: Pick whichever you want. You can also just keep writing under your maiden name while having your legal name be changed (There's nothing that says you can't and I know a few female professors who have done the same).

Really? I had thought about that, or about publishing hyphenated without actually having a hyphenated name, but I didn't know if that would be kosher.

Legally though, yeah, the laws REALLY need to get changed in order to allow for the guy to be able to easily change his name should he want to after he and his bride get hitched.

Definitely. It's complete bullshit that a man would have a harder time doing so just because he is male. I was surprised to see GA listed as a state which had corrected this, but the more I look for it, the more it seems to be true. For some reason, a man wishing to take his wife's name (or, I presume, hyphenate) does have to present one extra bit of paperwork to get a new driver's license - he needs not only the marriage license but the marriage license application as well. But it does look like the name change process is overall similar, which is a good thing - albeit surprising in this state.


As to the OP:

Pick whatever you want and take your time. I didn't care what my wife wanted. I wouldn't take the womans name. I'm old fashion in that aspect. However, I wouldn't expect her to take my name.

In the end she hyphenated. It's hardly a copout.

Right now, I'm very enamored with the idea of us both hyphenating. It preserves both names, and we would still have the same surname. He's pretty much made it clear that none of it bothers him either way, and he'll go with what I decide. I worry a little bit about how his family might react, but we can't make all our decisions trying to keep them happy, right?

I'd say go with what NERVUN said. Listen to your romantic side and take his name and all, but publish under your maiden. HYphenated names seem a bit priggish to me, as well as too damned long. But that's just me. In the end, names don't mean all that much. Whichever you go with, it shouldn't cause much trouble in the long run.

Right now, I'm very enamored with the idea of us both hyphenating. It preserves both names, and we would still have the same surname. He's pretty much made it clear that none of it bothers him either way, and he'll go with what I decide. I worry a little bit about how his family might react, but we can't make all our decisions trying to keep them happy, right?

One of major rules of marriage is screw what the family thinks in matters between you and your husband. Your life is with him. They are just tagalongs If they can't accept both of you doing it, then boohoo. In time they should change to thinking you guys are nuts and move on. :D

These days, it's not easy changing your name even if you just got married. Especially if you've been an adult and have any variety of things in your own name. And heaven help you if you ever get divorced and want to go back to your own name....

Speaking from (bitter) experience, don't change your name. I never will again.

If it's all the same, go with the most euphonious choice or combination. That's what I'd do, but then I wouldn't have to make a choice.

What's in a name?

Letters.

Personal opinion: Pick whichever you want. You can also just keep writing under your maiden name while having your legal name be changed (There's nothing that says you can't and I know a few female professors who have done the same).
I second this. My girlfriend has told me that if we get married she will keep her maiden name for professional purposes (she's going to be a doctor). I have no problem with this, partially because it wouldn't bother me either way, but mainly because her name sounds better than mine after 'Dr'.

I'm too slow to the thread here to add anything new, but I'd also say change your name and keep using your maiden name for professional purposes. I know many people who do that.

Then both the romantic and the feminist can be happy.

You might want to do some research. You dont necessarily have to always use your legal name in some jurisdictions (as demonstrated by the right to use a pen name without legally changing your name to the psuedonum).

It might help you decide what legal name to opt for if you are clear as to when you will routinely be required (either by law or because the agency/entity you are dealing with will only accept your legal name) to use your legal name, and when you may 'take liberties'. Once you've ascertained this it could be that you can use one name for employment and writing provided you correctly supply your legal name for tax purposes, while using your legal name for bank accounts, driver's license, passport etc, and whichever you prefer in personal interaction (you may not even use your surname often in interaction with others depending on your own personal situation and preference).

I think until you know when you will be required to use your legal name, (probably not on anything you write or publish evidently - I expect you could publish under the name Peter Rabbit if you liked) it's not going to be easy to make a decision (because there will be uncertainty regarding all the potential effects and scenarios in which it will come into play), and also you risk making a decision you will regret latter when the situation does become clear.

So my advice would be to ascertain exactly which situations would require your legal name, and which situations it is acceptable to use some other name (ie not your legal name), before you make a firm decision.

Best of luck, with the name of course, but especially with the marriage! All the joy in the world to you and the lucky chap.

All I have to say in relation to double barrel surnames is "Won't someone please think of the children?!" Double barrel surnames are not cool in school.

The wife in one couple I knew took his last name for social purposes and kept hers for professional purposes. So among their friends and her children's friends, she was known as Mrs. -----, professionally, she was known as Dr. ------.

My boyfriend's last name is shorter than mine and comes way before mine alphabetically, so it's better for our children if and when we have one or two, for me to use his last name. It would be horrid to do conjoined just because mine is already enough letters as is.

What field do you work in?

Ok, so I know I've posted about this before, but I'm going to do it again anyways, so there! Comments welcome and wanted. =)

Change both of your last names to Dempublicents.

My girlfriend and I are dealing with something similar, only it doesn't involve our last names, largely because we're not getting married. But we are looking into having kids (I had a vasectomy 15 years ago, so it's an expensive and lengthy proposition as opposed to the "oh shit, we're pregnant" method).

It involves our children's last names. Do we hyphenate them? Do they take hers or mine? Or do we do some form of hybrid name? And you thought coming up with first and middle names was difficult. ;)

Letters!

Badum-Tsh!

Change both of your last names to Dempublicents.

I was going to suggest something similar, but maybe "Destroyer-of-Worlds". Especially if she were going to call any future child "Shiva", "Death", or similar.
And I don't understand your sig, Eve :/

Editron:
It involves our children's last names. Do we hyphenate them? Do they take hers or mine? Or do we do some form of hybrid name? And you thought coming up with first and middle names was difficult. ;)

My girlfriend's parents never married, and her and her brother have her father's surname. Dunno why.

do the opposite of what nervun suggested. keep your name legally. publish under it. use HIS name socially. the post office will have no problem dealing with christmas cards addressed to you with the "wrong" last name on it.

and stop stressing over this! geez 33 days. you have more than enough stress coming up without adding to it!

have you had a bridal shower yet?

The only reason you should change your name is if you don't like it. If you like your name, don't change it. If your husband doesn't like his name, he should change it, but if he likes it then he shouldn't change his name either.

My folks kept their own names when they married, and neither has suffered for it. Indeed, it has been very handy when it comes to screening calls and junk mail...anything addressed to "Mr and Mrs [Dad's Name]" is clearly junk. :D

My brother and I have both names, hyphenated. I love my name. The only annoyance has been that people now assume I'm married and am so wishy-washy that I hyphenated my name with my husband's. Lame. But it gives me a reason to talk to them about my awesome parents, which is fun anyhow.

All I have to say in relation to double barrel surnames is "Won't someone please think of the children?!" Double barrel surnames are not cool in school.
That was never my experience. Most people simply didn't care about my last names. Sometimes people would ask me why I had both names, and nobody ever gave me crap about it when I explained that one was my father's name and one was my mother's name.

A lot of people seemed to get a kick out of the fact that my RL name is pretty long (one first name, two middle names, two last names), while I am a very small person. :D

My wife seems to be, at least for now, in the "maiden name for professional purposes, married name for social purposes" stage; what she intends to do beyond that is still apparently up in the air. I frankly don't care either way, but I have asked her not to use a hyphenation, since I think that's a cop out...needless to say, she uses her maiden name, her married name, and a hyphenated version interchangeably. Argfa. At least my last name didn't go anywhere. It's farther ahead in the alphabet anyway.

As for kids...regardless of what name she picks, she wants our kids, assuming we ever have any, to have my last name. Frankly, I could give a damn less what name they have. But I could only give one damn less. No more.

My solution? Use whatever works best for you. Frankly, either that system or the system where everyone just takes the father's last name are the only two I can't poke holes in (and no, I'm not being sexist. I could just as easily say "take the mother's last name" but that's just as bad. If everyone hyphenates, pretty soon everyone's last name has 37 hyphens. If names are blended, plenty of God-awful abominations of last names become apparent, and lineages become a bit harder to track. Same with taking all-new last names. I suppose we could all just combine online screen names as last names. Problem is, would I use the "Law Abiding" portion of my name or the "Criminals" portion?)

Frankly, either that system or the system where everyone just takes the father's last name are the only two I can't poke holes in (and no, I'm not being sexist. I could just as easily say "take the mother's last name" but that's just as bad. If everyone hyphenates, pretty soon everyone's last name has 37 hyphens. If names are blended, plenty of God-awful abominations of last names become apparent, and lineages become a bit harder to track. Same with taking all-new last names. I suppose we could all just combine online screen names as last names. Problem is, would I use the "Law Abiding" portion of my name or the "Criminals" portion?)
There are two systems I've heard about that I like. One is pretty simple: when two people marry, they choose a new surname for their household. They both take this name, and give it to any children they have together. A modified version of this is that the married couple each retain their own surnames, but they choose a different surname for their kids to share.

The other system that I read about once was a system where you have three names: your first name is your given name, your middle name is your father's given name, and your last name is your mother's given name. I really like that idea, but our current naming customs would make for a lot of odd-sounding names if we tried to implement this. I also know a whole lot of people who give their babies profoundly stupid first names, and it would be rotten for that stupid name to also be inflicted upon their grandchildren. :P

Personally, I think either way could be fine, so long as one discourages others from calling her "Mrs. (Husband's full name)." THAT'S something worthy of feminist rage.

Pick the best sounding name (or if none of them sound good, make one up).

The other system that I read about once was a system where you have three names: your first name is your given name, your middle name is your father's given name, and your last name is your mother's given name. I really like that idea, but our current naming customs would make for a lot of odd-sounding names if we tried to implement this. I also know a whole lot of people who give their babies profoundly stupid first names, and it would be rotten for that stupid name to also be inflicted upon their grandchildren. :P

That strikes me as a little like what the Spanish-speaking world does...a little bit, since last names are still used and the father's name gets higher billing, but the mother's name is at least included. If my mom's last name is Smith and my dad's last name is Jones, I become John Paul Jones Smith, with Jones being my legal last name for administrative purposes. If I marry Jane Marie Williams Wright, she becomes Jane Marie Jones Williams. Our son's name would be Jason Michael Jones Williams. His legal last name would still be Jones, but the quirk of this is that the kids would share both last names with their mother, but only one with their father. I suppose the roles could be reversed, sure, but it's not really any better the other way.

I suppose we could just randomly assign last names to kids the way they are assigned in orphanages, but that would suck.

That strikes me as a little like what the Spanish-speaking world does...a little bit, since last names are still used and the father's name gets higher billing, but the mother's name is at least included. If my mom's last name is Smith and my dad's last name is Jones, I become John Paul Jones Smith, with Jones being my legal last name for administrative purposes. If I marry Jane Marie Williams Wright, she becomes Jane Marie Jones Williams. Our son's name would be Jason Michael Jones Williams. His legal last name would still be Jones, but the quirk of this is that the kids would share both last names with their mother, but only one with their father.

Well yeah, because Mom is expected to change HER name. Them's the breaks, in patriarchy. :D


I suppose the roles could be reversed, sure, but it's not really any better the other way.

I consider any gendered system of this sort to be bunk right off the bat. A person's name is not any more or less important because they have a vagina versus a penis, so why should our naming customs assume that a male name should be treated differently than a female name?

Of all the considerations when one is choosing a name, gender should be at the very very very very bottom of the list, if it's even on the list at all.


I suppose we could just randomly assign last names to kids the way they are assigned in orphanages, but that would suck.
Why go to the extremes?

Parents choose the first and middle names for their kids. Why would it be so weird for them to choose a surname? The surname could reflect something that is important to both of the parents, or could honor a person who is particularly important in the child's life.

A gay couple I know has adopted three children. The gay individuals cannot be legally married, unfortunately, and retain their own surnames, so they had to figure out what to do about the names of their adopted kids. As it happens, both of the parents have mothers named Ivy, so they decided to make Ivy their kids' surname. I thought that was kind of cool.

It involves our children's last names. Do we hyphenate them? Do they take hers or mine? Or do we do some form of hybrid name? And you thought coming up with first and middle names was difficult. ;)

old school scandinavian system - they get to be nazzsons and nazzdotters

old school scandinavian system - they get to be nazzsons and nazzdotters
I knew a guy who had a fantastic Scandanavian family tree. Every generation it was either "Thor Oleson" or "Ole Thorson." Thor, son of Ole, would have Ole, son of Thor, stretching back as far as their family could track.

Take the odd letters from your surname, and interweave them with the even letters of your partners surname. Then you can both take a surname that's 50 your old ones and 50% each others. Voila!

(Or you could pick a method with a more elegant result)

I suppose we could just randomly assign last names to kids the way they are assigned in orphanages, but that would suck.

Ooh, how about letter-number combinations? I think I'll name my first kid THX-1138!

Ok, so I know I've posted about this before, but I'm going to do it again anyways, so there! Comments welcome and wanted. =)

Most of this is a cut-and-paste from my blog, slightly modified for NSG.

So, I'm getting married in 33 days and there's one little thing I still haven't figured out. What the hell am I going to do with my name?

The feminist in me balks a bit at the idea of just taking his surname. The romantic in me really, really wants us both to have the same surname. And the Libra in me is strangely silent, deciding not to push for hyphenation, which I largely see as a cop-out. So, for a while, the romantic had overruled the feminist and the silent Libra by pointing out that I wasn't going to change my name because someone said I had to, but because I actually wanted to.

"But wait!" the feminist says, "There's your career to think about...." And, indeed, there is. While I've only had a few publications (and a couple more on the way, hopefully), those are publications in which my maiden name is used. Were I to change my name completely, I may as well forget about those publications. I can put them on my CV and all of that, but they'll be lost to anyone in the future who wants to use a search engine to see what I have done and what my expertise is in a given area. I'm told that hyphenating will cover this, at least in some search engines. And it would make it fairly obvious that I may have published under a different surname.

But, like I said, I've always seen hyphenation as kind of a cop-out. It always seemed to me like it was someone trying to please everyone, rather than just do whatever it was they really wanted to do. And, if I hyphenated, I still wouldn't share a surname with my husband (is it bad that saying "my husband" sounds weird?).

Ah, but there is another option, says (interestingly enough) the preacher. She and her husband both hyphenated. So they share a surname which includes both of their "maiden" (what would the equivalent be for a guy? "master"?) names. This option seems to have it all. I don't have to worry too much about it affecting my professional life, we both share a surname, and it has the added benefit of probably annoying the heck out of his family (ok, that's a benefit to him, but I can sell it any way I want, right?). The feminist, the romantic, and even the Libra can all agree!

This option does come with quite a downside, however. It's freaking inconvenient. The law currently makes it relatively easy and inexpensive for a woman to change her name when she gets married. Not so for a man. Sure, we'd both have to deal with all of the paperwork involved with making sure all the people who you owe money know your real name. And we'd both have to deal with getting the IRS and social security offices to get up off their asses and actually care about all the paperwork we'd have to file. But he'd have to go through the general name-change process, which would include the possibility of the judge just up and saying, "Hell, no!" This guy is dealing with this sort of issue.

http://abcnews.go.com/US/story?id=2778930&page=1&CMP=OTC-RSSFeeds0312

Well, actually, according to the news story, Georgia law actually doesn't make it harder for men. Since when is GA ahead of anyone but Alabama on these sorts of things? Could it be that we have a good solution? Or did ABC mistake GA for one of those "librul" states?

Here's my question other than patriarcal nonsense, does he need his name for any good reason?

Ooh, how about letter-number combinations? I think I'll name my first kid THX-1138!
I love the Peanuts strip where they introduced the new kid in town, "5."

And the teacher kept mispronouncing his name as "V" (the Roman numeral). Heh.

My wife hyphenated her last name to include both of ours and now she regrets it. For some reason people have a really ahrd time with hyphens (be is searchign her name in a computer system or just fitting the name into a computer or written field) and she is considering changing it again so she doesn't have to put up with all the hassle.

So don't worry, you can always change it later if you like :)

My wife hyphenated her last name to include both of ours and now she regrets it. For some reason people have a really ahrd time with hyphens (be is searchign her name in a computer system or just fitting the name into a computer or written field) and she is considering changing it again so she doesn't have to put up with all the hassle.

So don't worry, you can always change it later if you like :)

Why doesn't she just wait till the divorce? Is she really that impatient?

:p

Dem, it's not necessarily 'feminist' to keep your own name.

Most of the people in the Americas don't expect the woman to take her husband's surname. You can even paint yourself 'traditional' by keeping it, if you want:)

Why doesn't she just wait till the divorce? Is she really that impatient?

:p

She wont let me divorce her. She said her family will come after me. Don't mess with the fillipino mafia.

Dem, it's not necessarily 'feminist' to keep your own name.

Most of the people in the Americas don't expect the woman to take her husband's surname. You can even paint yourself 'traditional' by keeping it, if you want:)


I even offered to take my wifes last name but she didn't care and said I was too lazy to actually get it done in a timely fashion anyway.

another way i have seen done (particulalry by academics) is rather than hyphenation just take the spouses name as an extra middle name, that way you can write it or not depending on the circumstance or your whim. examples i can think of are Marie Louise Stig Sorensen and Vivian Broman Morales.

And Babe Didrikson Zaharias.

I knew a guy who had a fantastic Scandanavian family tree. Every generation it was either "Thor Oleson" or "Ole Thorson." Thor, son of Ole, would have Ole, son of Thor, stretching back as far as their family could track.

awesome. makes family trees both incredibly easy and extraordinarily difficult at the same time.

at some point along the lines i had an relative named swan swanson. i always hoped that one went backwards from there for a bit.

Personal opinion: Pick whichever you want. You can also just keep writing under your maiden name while having your legal name be changed (There's nothing that says you can't and I know a few female professors who have done the same).My sister did that. Actually, she didn't keep her maiden name, she kept her first husband's surname which is the one under which her first few works got published. She's remarried now and has taken her current husband's surname for social purposes but keeps the former one for her job.

Personally, I can't see myself being willing to give up my name. I like it way too much and I'm the last one in the family to carry it, so no.

In the end she hyphenated. It's hardly a copout.

Germans correct me if I am wrong but isn't it standard practice?Wait, what, you're German?? o.O
Either way, yeah, it is.


I second this. My girlfriend has told me that if we get married she will keep her maiden name for professional purposes (she's going to be a doctor). I have no problem with this, partially because it wouldn't bother me either way, but mainly because her name sounds better than mine after 'Dr'.I don't know, Dr. Stalin sounds pretty good to me.

old school scandinavian system - they get to be nazzsons and nazzdottersLove it! :p

I knew a guy who had a fantastic Scandanavian family tree. Every generation it was either "Thor Oleson" or "Ole Thorson." Thor, son of Ole, would have Ole, son of Thor, stretching back as far as their family could track.And this. Hee.

What field do you work in?

I'm a graduate student in Bioengineering. I'll likely take an industry job when I get out, but I can still get publications even then. And if I ever decide to be a professor....


Change both of your last names to Dempublicents.

Teehee

I don't know what is in a name, an individual identity I guess.

do the opposite of what nervun suggested. keep your name legally. publish under it. use HIS name socially. the post office will have no problem dealing with christmas cards addressed to you with the "wrong" last name on it.

and stop stressing over this! geez 33 days. you have more than enough stress coming up without adding to it!

Hehe.

have you had a bridal shower yet?

Yup. I got some really pretty stuff to save for the wedding night or honeymoon. =)


The only reason you should change your name is if you don't like it. If you like your name, don't change it. If your husband doesn't like his name, he should change it, but if he likes it then he shouldn't change his name either.

I don't think it's really a matter of whether or not we like our names - I think we're both kind of "meh" on our surnames. It's more a matter of - silly as it may seem - the fact that I really want us to share a surname, whatever it may be.

In truth, I feel like I have more emotional ties to my future in-laws than to my father's family, so it would make sense for me to share a surname with them.

Here's my question other than patriarcal nonsense, does he need his name for any good reason?

Need it? No. We discussed the possibility of him taking my name, but it just didn't seem to sit right. Like I said, we are both emotionally closer to his family than to my father's. Add to that the fact that they're kind of clanish and it could get ugly.... hehe

But the main reason I think it didn't sit right, just with us, is that we don't necessarily need the direct tie to my father's family. None of the family members I'm really close to carry that name anymore, and my father certainly isn't going to be offended if I change it.


Dem, it's not necessarily 'feminist' to keep your own name.

Most of the people in the Americas don't expect the woman to take her husband's surname. You can even paint yourself 'traditional' by keeping it, if you want

Oh, I know. What I meant was that the feminist in me balks at the patriarchal idea behind a woman automatically taking her husbands surname. If someone tried to suggest that I had to, just because I'm a girl, I'd have a big problem with it.

Need it? No. We discussed the possibility of him taking my name, but it just didn't seem to sit right. Like I said, we are both emotionally closer to his family than to my father's. Add to that the fact that they're kind of clanish and it could get ugly.... hehe

But the main reason I think it didn't sit right, just with us, is that we don't necessarily need the direct tie to my father's family. None of the family members I'm really close to carry that name anymore, and my father certainly isn't going to be offended if I change it.



Oh, I know. What I meant was that the feminist in me balks at the patriarchal idea behind a woman automatically taking her husbands surname. If someone tried to suggest that I had to, just because I'm a girl, I'd have a big problem with it.

My point is that you have a reason to keep yours and he doesn't, so do what's practical.