NationStates Jolt Archive

I have a serious question, hopefully I'll get some serious answers.

A friend of mine's mother passed away last Wednesday. I was driving him to the airport at the time. It happened fairly quickly and obviously he's devastated.

Aside from being my friend, he is also my coworker. The people at my project would like me to coordinate sending something to his family. His family is well off, very well off, so they don't need any financial relief, so I'm trying to figure out what's appropriate. I'm one of those fortunate people with almost no experience in this area. I'm lost.

What is an appropriate thing to send? How do I know how much to spend? What's too extravagant? I really want him to know I care, that we care. I want him to feel our support.

Food is usually welcomed, the family is usually so preoccupied with arrangements they don't have time/energy to cook for themselves...

Was it a terminal illness? If so, collecting donations to that cause (e.g. breast cancer research) might also be appropriate.

Just a couple of suggestions.

I have a serious question, hopefully I'll get some serious answers.

A friend of mine's mother passed away last Wednesday. I was driving him to the airport at the time. It happened fairly quickly and obviously he's devastated.

Aside from being my friend, he is also my coworker. The people at my project would like me to coordinate sending something to his family. His family is well off, very well off, so they don't need any financial relief, so I'm trying to figure out what's appropriate. I'm one of those fortunate people with almost no experience in this area. I'm lost.

What is an appropriate thing to send? How do I know how much to spend? What's too extravagant? I really want him to know I care, that we care. I want him to feel our support.gather money and send a weath to the funeral.

Being there at the funeral or sending a bouquet of flowers would be my suggestions.

Coordinate a different person to make a meal for them for different nights for like a week or two. That would be appropriate and seen as very thoughtful.

Food is usually welcomed, the family is usually so preoccupied with arrangements they don't have time/energy to cook for themselves...

Was it a terminal illness? If so, collecting donations to that cause (e.g. breast cancer research) might also be appropriate.

Just a couple of suggestions.

I would go with this one.

The terminal illness suggestion is a good one, but I think that while she was unhealthy, it was not a specific illness that took her life (the truth is I'm still sketchy on the details).

Being at the funeral is not an option. I would love to support my friend in that way.

The food thing is a good point. While I was driving my friend to the airport I kept shoving apple juice in his face. He finally asked me why and I told him the next week would be hard enough without getting sick from not eating or drinking anything healthy. I can't send food because I don't know where they are staying, only where the funeral is being held. They are not where he lives or where his family lived, but in a different state to be closer to her family.

I'm thinking a wreath or flowers, but I don't know how much is too much. It would be inappropriate if I send something ridiculously extravagant, especially if the family chooses flowers for the services that are dwarfed by some giant wreath or something.

Coordinate a different person to make a meal for them for different nights for like a week or two. That would be appropriate and seen as very thoughtful.

Here's what I've done so far. I sent a friend over to our friend's (let's call him T) house. With T having to ask, he arrived and helped his family begin getting ready for the trip to the NE to meet up with T (he was at our site in Texas at the time). We all got together and took car of flight arrangements for him and his family, including his brother's so all they had to do was drive to the airport. We offered to get a limo for them on arrival but they preferred to all meet up, for obvious reasons.

They already left the place where they grew up in the NE and where everyone lives who isn't actually mourning with them, so I don't know anyone anymore that can offer direct support.

They are all staying in a nice hotel, and I'd imagine they are actually going to meals at restaurants (if I had to guess). Dinners are probably covered in this way. I'd be worried about breakfast and lunch, but I don't know how to physically help with that.

So I think my options for support are limited by the fact that they ended up shipping the body back to where she is from.

Send flitch.

When my grandad died I remember a lot of talk of buying alcohol, but we're Irish so that might not be for everyone.

Thus far the food option looks like the best.

The terminal illness suggestion is a good one, but I think that while she was unhealthy, it was not a specific illness that took her life (the truth is I'm still sketchy on the details).

Being at the funeral is not an option. I would love to support my friend in that way.

The food thing is a good point. While I was driving my friend to the airport I kept shoving apple juice in his face. He finally asked me why and I told him the next week would be hard enough without getting sick from not eating or drinking anything healthy. I can't send food because I don't know where they are staying, only where the funeral is being held. They are not where he lives or where his family lived, but in a different state to be closer to her family.

I'm thinking a wreath or flowers, but I don't know how much is too much. It would be inappropriate if I send something ridiculously extravagant, especially if the family chooses flowers for the services that are dwarfed by some giant wreath or something.

to send flower you need to know what town its being held in and his mothers name. all you have to do is either call a florist in that town or call your local florist with a monetary amount and they will make it fit in with what is already ordered. obviously you get more flower for your money if you call their local town florist. (knowing the funeral director would help too but florists are professionals and there are only so many funerals going on at one time so unless its a huge city, it should be OK.)

a sympathy card with everyone's signature is a nice touch for when he gets back.

Flowers. Keep it under $150. Or if she volunteered somewhere, was passionate about a cause, or belonged to a church, make a donation in her name. My other half's mother died a few months ago and this was the standard thing done. My other half put it in the obit to give gifts in lieu of flowers to a particular church's organ fund.

Some people sent food, but we (and many people for that matter) don't like to eat things from strange kitchens. You never know how clean other people keep their stuff. You also don't necessarily know what they like/don't like to eat, dietary restrictions, religious traditions, etc. So that's not really a good idea. We were gracious and accepted it, but once they had gone, it went in the trash. So it could very well go to waste.

Is fruit an inappropriate thing to send? I saw fruit/flower baskets on FTD for funerals and it seems like that would mitagate the food thing a bit, no?

to send flower you need to know what town its being held in and his mothers name. all you have to do is either call a florist in that town or call your local florist with a monetary amount and they will make it fit in with what is already ordered. obviously you get more flower for your money if you call their local town florist. (knowing the funeral director would help too but florists are professionals and there are only so many funerals going on at one time so unless its a huge city, it should be OK.)

a sympathy card with everyone's signature is a nice touch for when he gets back.

That's what I ended up doing. I called the funeral home and they recommended a florist. The florist said not to go over 150 (Texoman hit that on the head) and they made recommendations as far as what to send along.

I love your card idea. I think not only will that be a nice thing for him, but it will also help people around here feel like they've been supportive (sometimes I think these kinds of things are pretty hard on the friends of people who lost someone as well). He's one of these sweet, kind of young guys that feels like your little brother, so everyone is just very worried for him and really desperately wants to help him deal with this.

Thank you, everyone, for your suggestions. I know what I'm going to do, but if people have more suggestions, it would be very educational for myself and others.

As a co-worker, one thing you need to be aware of is that your friend is likely to hit another low (less obvious than the current one) later on. Could be in a few months' time, could be a year or more. This delayed reaction is perfectly natural, but he may well need help getting through it. Most of his friends and colleagues will have half-forgotten the whole thing by then, which won't help.

Therefore I'd suggest you make notes on your calendar, or whatever you use to plan ahead, for every three months or so from now to remind you to have a chat and see how he's doing. That probably seems like a waste of ink, since you will be talking to him anyway. Still, I recommend you do it.

The terminal illness suggestion is a good one, but I think that while she was unhealthy, it was not a specific illness that took her life (the truth is I'm still sketchy on the details).

Being at the funeral is not an option. I would love to support my friend in that way.

The food thing is a good point. While I was driving my friend to the airport I kept shoving apple juice in his face. He finally asked me why and I told him the next week would be hard enough without getting sick from not eating or drinking anything healthy. I can't send food because I don't know where they are staying, only where the funeral is being held. They are not where he lives or where his family lived, but in a different state to be closer to her family.

I'm thinking a wreath or flowers, but I don't know how much is too much. It would be inappropriate if I send something ridiculously extravagant, especially if the family chooses flowers for the services that are dwarfed by some giant wreath or something.

If you speak to a florist local to the funeral home, the ymay be able to give you an idea of what others have done and you can gauge that way.

An acceptable wreath could be around $50.00. You may also want to consider a mass card. Although the survivors may not remember who came to the wake or funeral, the funeral director usually gives them mass cards with notes of sympathy to the family. They will be aware that you & your group expressed condolences in a respectful manner.

Shine their shoes.

Seriously, when people get involved in the whole funeral thing, other important and mundane stuff gets pushed to the side. If your neighbor is going to be at the funeral home and the church for a few days, they're not going to have a lot of time to prepare for that. One kind gesture would be to visit the family home with a shoe-shine kit and polish their shoes for them, then quietly and quickly get out of their way.

Since it appears that the funeral and family are elsewhere, look at other options. Mow his grass. Rake his leaves. Wash his car. Feed his fish. Get his garbage to the curb on Thursday, so he doesn't come home to a stinky mess. There's bound to be something, or several somethings.

Find something at work that he normally does that you can do for him, or contact his clients on his behalf (checking with management first, of course) so that he doesn't get slammed with explanations and such on his return.

Be a good neighbor. That'll mean more to him than another bunch of flowers or another green bean casserole.

Shine their shoes.

Seriously, when people get involved in the whole funeral thing, other important and mundane stuff gets pushed to the side. If your neighbor is going to be at the funeral home and the church for a few days, they're not going to have a lot of time to prepare for that. One kind gesture would be to visit the family home with a shoe-shine kit and polish their shoes for them, then quietly and quickly get out of their way.

Since it appears that the funeral and family are elsewhere, look at other options. Mow his grass. Rake his leaves. Wash his car. Feed his fish. Get his garbage to the curb on Thursday, so he doesn't come home to a stinky mess. There's bound to be something, or several somethings.

Find something at work that he normally does that you can do for him, or contact his clients on his behalf (checking with management first, of course) so that he doesn't get slammed with explanations and such on his return.

Be a good neighbor. That'll mean more to him than another bunch of flowers or another green bean casserole.

Actually, this was the only part I was actually sure of what to do. We made all the arrangements for flights. I drove him to the airport and he was in the air within and hour and 45 minutes of even knowing she was critically ill and 45 minutes of when he was notified.

He lives in the house I used to live in, in Miami, so I sent one of the neighbors, a mutual friend over to take care of his house and his dogs.

We work together so I took over all of his work and extended my stays on site by an extra day each week, to take up the slack. And trust me, that's no small task. The kid is one of the best I've ever seen at what he does. His work is killing me.

Those are all the invisible things that I think make a huge difference. I think some people like taking their mind off the death by worrying about things that don't matter, but I personally believe that he should grieve while he's got all this support and companionship. Being invisible is great. Who needs credit for something that should be expected of us.

However, I do think there is value to making it known that we're hear for him and that is the reason I'd like for us to do something visible to him. I want him to know we care and that we'd do anything to help him. I want him to know that while we can't possibly know what it's like to be him right now, that he has our sympathy and support.

The things you mention should be done quietly and as unnoticeably as possible. For the purpose of sympathy and support, I want him to know we're here for him.

Or do I have this all wrong?

Is fruit an inappropriate thing to send? I saw fruit/flower baskets on FTD for funerals and it seems like that would mitagate the food thing a bit, no?

If they enjoy fruit. But keep in mind that fruit is highly perishable and if they don't feel like eating due to being upset, it could still go to waste.

He lives in the house I used to live in, in Miami, so I sent one of the neighbors, a mutual friend over to take care of his house and his dogs.



If you have access to his house, you could check to see what kind of perishable staples he keeps on hand (milk, eggs, bread, etc) and make sure he has fresh versions stocked when he gets home so he doesn't have to worry about grocery shopping right off the bat. That would make for an easier transition back to his day to day life.

As a co-worker, one thing you need to be aware of is that your friend is likely to hit another low (less obvious than the current one) later on. Could be in a few months' time, could be a year or more. This delayed reaction is perfectly natural, but he may well need help getting through it. Most of his friends and colleagues will have half-forgotten the whole thing by then, which won't help.

Therefore I'd suggest you make notes on your calendar, or whatever you use to plan ahead, for every three months or so from now to remind you to have a chat and see how he's doing. That probably seems like a waste of ink, since you will be talking to him anyway. Still, I recommend you do it.

Yes, I'm very worried about him. He has a tendency for depression and he's very close to his parents. He couldn't even speak even when he thought she was going to recover.

One of the things that was hard was that we got him on a plane so quickly. He travelled alone and couldn't even call people. Just left him to stew so to speak. I can't imagine how long that trip must of seemed to him.

Fortunately, I practically live with him. We're on the same site every week for as much as a year from now. We stay in the same hotel and ask for adjoining rooms so we can share a hub. We eat together almost every day for lunch and dinner. We share a conference room converted to an office. I have to travel to Miami to attend monthly board meetings. I'll be able to keep an eye on him.

He's kind of a drinker, so I'm worried about that as well. He never drinks at home and he's pretty good about keeping his stuff together, so it's changes along those line that I'm going to be looking out for. The last time he got really depressed it was there where you could find the changes. I'm banking on something similar if anything happens at all.

TO EVERYONE: You know people say things about how ridiculous NSG is for all sorts of reasons, but I've come to NSG for advice on some pretty important things and you all have been nothing less than wonderful. This place feels kind of like a family, a strange, argumentative, incestuous, occasionally abusive, dysfunctional family, but a family none-the-less. Thank you for being so supportive to myself and others over the years. You have no idea how appreciative I am of this advice.

If you have access to his house, you could check to see what kind of perishable staples he keeps on hand (milk, eggs, bread, etc) and make sure he has fresh versions stocked when he gets home so he doesn't have to worry about grocery shopping right off the bat. That would make for an easier transition back to his day to day life.

Good idea. I'll make arrangements for that right now. Thanks for that.

I can't really give any advice, but I'm sure the whole situation is hard on you - not as hard as it is on him, but hard nonetheless. I really haven't had much experience in this sort of thing, so I don't have any extra advice, but most of what people have posted so far seems good.

I think you're probably hitting the nail right on the head in doing everything you can to make sure he has support - and that he knows he has support.

flowers? perhaps food?

I can't really give any advice, but I'm sure the whole situation is hard on you - not as hard as it is on him, but hard nonetheless.

Thank you. I've been really upset about this and I feel like such a tool. The kid feels like my little brother and I just want to do anything, anything to make him feel better. It's frustrating to be so helpless. It's frustrating to be so clueless. And I feel like an idiot for even considering what I'm going through when I should be focused on empathisizing with him. It feels selfish and silly. I never even met his mother. It's actually very touching that you recognize that it's hard just being close to someone in his position.

All I know is if it's this hard to just care about someone going through this, then a part of me hopes I beat my mother to the grave. I know everyone goes through this eventually, but what a horrible feeling.

I called my mother after I dropped him off. I got her answer machine. The message was like this:

(sobbing) Mom... (I try to collect myself, long pause) Mom... (another long pause) I'm sorry... Nothing's wrong... I love you. (hang up)

Yeah, like that didn't totally freak my poor mother out. She laughed later, but I'm such an idiot sometimes.

If your friend is returning to live in the State away from where his mother is burried, he is not going to have easy access to a physical place where he can go to remember and contemplate her.

Where I live there are public parks and places where they will allow you to donate seats with memorial plaques or to donate and plant trees.

Might there be something like this in your community? It not only provides a public memorial, it also gives a person a physical place to greive and remember either when their relative is burried far away or if they are not comfortable in a graveyard. While people do grieve for their loved ones and there is no getting around the pain, sometimes having somewhere other than a grave yard (to go to contemplate their loved one's life) can make grief less oppressive and allow one (when they want to go somewhere quiet to remember their loved one) to concentrate on the joy of having had the person in their life rather than the loss (which is pretty hard to escape when you are surrounded by graves). A lot of people I know prefer to go to such memorials to remember their loved ones as they find visiting the grave yard increases their sense of loss rather than comforting them, and further it comforts them to know that people utilise and enjoy the memorial - that their loved in essence continues to contribute to the community they lived in and probably felt a strong attachment to.

It would certainly show your friend that you all care and consider his mother's passing to be a very significant event within the community. It provides a public memorial that isnt hidden away in some graveyard as well as a less dreary (and potentially painful) place to go and contemplate the life of their loved one. In your friend's case, since his mother is buried far away, such a memorial in a nice setting might be particularly valuable in allowing him to express and work through his greif since he wont have access to the actual graveside once he returns to your state.

Food is a good idea...it is nice to have home cooked food for when you just don't want to cook. Make sure it can be frozen tho...you don't want it to go bad.

As for a gift, I personally wouldn't do flowers (or, atleast not only flowers). Often, in the obit, it will give a charity that the family requests donations to in lieu of flowers. I'd suggest that.

As for your friend directly, know that these few months will be hell...he might lash out, he might close off, he might be a royal prick. Just remember that for everything you're getting, he's feeling it ten-fold. I know that personally, this past month, I have lashed out at my best friends, roommates, and family. All the time that its happening, I am trying to stop, but I just can't. If he seems to be receptive to what you are saying, go with it. If he seems to be getting irritated, back off. It can happen fast, where it goes from helpful to annoying.
What I'm saying is basically, be understanding, but make it clear that you're there. The worst part of this past month for me has been not being sure if my friends were there or not. Finally, I had to break it down and tell them "Listen, I'm not forcing anyone to deal with this because really, no one should have to. I'm giving you the choice that I would give anything to have. If you are here for me, great. I appreciate it. If not, understand that you aren't here for me when I'm going through hell, and don't be surprised if that ends our friendship". Let him know you're there.

Thank you. I've been really upset about this and I feel like such a tool. The kid feels like my little brother and I just want to do anything, anything to make him feel better. It's frustrating to be so helpless. It's frustrating to be so clueless. And I feel like an idiot for even considering what I'm going through when I should be focused on empathisizing with him. It feels selfish and silly. I never even met his mother. It's actually very touching that you recognize that it's hard just being close to someone in his position.


The death has impacted you too. That is nothing to be guilty or sorry about. Knowing that you feel it too can be helpful...its another shoulder to cry on, another person who "gets" it.

Remember, as much as you're lost, so is he. If you understand that, you understand it all. Its frustrating not to know what to do to help, but its also frustrating to be the one who can't be helped. He's making it up as he goes, same as you. That is a bond you two have. This isn't saying that you are one, and he is the other...you are both in each category...he's trying to help his family while he helps himself...you're trying to help him. Don't forget to help yourself too. You can't ignore yourself...in the long run, it will help both of you.


Something that might be nice...if you can, take him to see a sunset. It is really amazing how much something like that can help.

Thank you. I've been really upset about this and I feel like such a tool. The kid feels like my little brother and I just want to do anything, anything to make him feel better. It's frustrating to be so helpless. It's frustrating to be so clueless. And I feel like an idiot for even considering what I'm going through when I should be focused on empathisizing with him. It feels selfish and silly. I never even met his mother. It's actually very touching that you recognize that it's hard just being close to someone in his position.


The death has impacted you too. That is nothing to be guilty or sorry about. Knowing that you feel it too can be helpful...its another shoulder to cry on, another person who "gets" it.

Remember, as much as you're lost, so is he. If you understand that, you understand it all. Its frustrating not to know what to do to help, but its also frustrating to be the one who can't be helped. He's making it up as he goes, same as you. That is a bond you two have. This isn't saying that you are one, and he is the other...you are both in each category...he's trying to help his family while he helps himself...you're trying to help him. Don't forget to help yourself too. You can't ignore yourself...in the long run, it will help both of you.


Something that might be nice...if you can, take him to see a sunset. It is really amazing how much something like that can help.

I have a serious question, hopefully I'll get some serious answers.

A friend of mine's mother passed away last Wednesday. I was driving him to the airport at the time. It happened fairly quickly and obviously he's devastated.

Aside from being my friend, he is also my coworker. The people at my project would like me to coordinate sending something to his family. His family is well off, very well off, so they don't need any financial relief, so I'm trying to figure out what's appropriate. I'm one of those fortunate people with almost no experience in this area. I'm lost.

What is an appropriate thing to send? How do I know how much to spend? What's too extravagant? I really want him to know I care, that we care. I want him to feel our support.

When my mother died my co-workers put together a food basket - filled with cheeses, good quality deli meats, nuts, teas, coffees, fruit, etc. - they didn't buy it pre-made, they did the shopping and the arrangement themselves. My family and I opened it up after the funeral service and ate the contents while looking at photos of my mother and her sisters. It was a personal statement and was very much appreciated.

He's kind of a drinker, so I'm worried about that as well. He never drinks at home and he's pretty good about keeping his stuff together, so it's changes along those line that I'm going to be looking out for. The last time he got really depressed it was there where you could find the changes. I'm banking on something similar if anything happens at all.


Okay, it's great that you're aware of the drinking issue, since it is likely to be the best warning sign. Not necessarily drinking too much, but drinking at unusual times or reacting to the drink in an unusual way.

I didn't mention this before because I didn't want to be alarmist, but since you say he has a history of depression, you need to watch out for a few other things. The ones I can think of right now are: poor concentration; odd mood swings; tiredness; vulnerability to work stress.

For more info, do a Google search on 'reactive depression'. I think the phrase is beginning to go out of fashion, but most of the material you will find still calls it that.

Okay, it's great that you're aware of the drinking issue, since it is likely to be the best warning sign. Not necessarily drinking too much, but drinking at unusual times or reacting to the drink in an unusual way.

I didn't mention this before because I didn't want to be alarmist, but since you say he has a history of depression, you need to watch out for a few other things. The ones I can think of right now are: poor concentration; odd mood swings; tiredness; vulnerability to work stress.

For more info, do a Google search on 'reactive depression'. I think the phrase is beginning to go out of fashion, but most of the material you will find still calls it that.

The problem is he demonstrates all of those symptoms now. I'm just planning to monitor his behavior for anything unusual not easily explained by the loss.

The problem is he demonstrates all of those symptoms now. I'm just planning to monitor his behavior for anything unusual not easily explained by the loss.

Naturally he is like that now - who wouldn't be? Of course if it gets too extreme then you need to worry, but otherwise it's the delayed reaction that you have to watch out for.
I happened to speak to a grief counsellor a couple of months ago, and she mentioned that most people come to her at least six months to a year after their loved one's death - that's when people tend to get into real difficulties.

The difficult job you have, now and later, is to decide when/if his behaviour has crossed the line from 'depression' (in the everyday sense of the word) into becoming a medical condition. Although I've been in your kind of situation once or twice myself, I'm not sure I can advise you on how to do that - everyone is different. Still, if you think there's anything I can do then just keep posting, or send me a TG some time.

Naturally he is like that now - who wouldn't be? Of course if it gets too extreme then you need to worry, but otherwise it's the delayed reaction that you have to watch out for.
I happened to speak to a grief counsellor a couple of months ago, and she mentioned that most people come to her at least six months to a year after their loved one's death - that's when people tend to get into real difficulties.

The difficult job you have, now and later, is to decide when/if his behaviour has crossed the line from 'depression' (in the everyday sense of the word) into becoming a medical condition. Although I've been in your kind of situation once or twice myself, I'm not sure I can advise you on how to do that - everyone is different. Still, if you think there's anything I can do then just keep posting, or send me a TG some time.

I'm sorry, I mean he exhibited those before this ever happened. I will be watching him and I do expect it to be a bit delayed. Thanks for the support (and that goes for everyone).

When my mother died my co-workers put together a food basket - filled with cheeses, good quality deli meats, nuts, teas, coffees, fruit, etc. - they didn't buy it pre-made, they did the shopping and the arrangement themselves. My family and I opened it up after the funeral service and ate the contents while looking at photos of my mother and her sisters. It was a personal statement and was very much appreciated.


This does go a long way-its very thoughtful and very practical. I dont know of many that feel like or are capable of preparing meals when they are grieving.

Last year,one of my wife's good friend's mother died. We went to the wake and funeral, but my wife had also prepared a large tray of ziti & meatballs and froze it, and gave it to the family,along with a large bowl of salad,dressing in a seperate container and several loaves of Italian bread, bottle of soda.
They had other people from out of town staying in their house and apparently this tray of ziti,simply heated in the oven was dinner for 10 people one night with plenty of left-overs. Simply prepared,very little clean-up and they were very appreciative.

I'm sorry, I mean he exhibited those before this ever happened. I will be watching him and I do expect it to be a bit delayed. Thanks for the support (and that goes for everyone).

Sounds worse that I'd imagined.
Maybe it's best if you resort to the simple things. Make sure he eats regularly, as others have suggested. Meals will probably be the first thing to go if he is having trouble. Also, make sure he has something to look forward to - a good holiday booked, that kind of thing.