NationStates Jolt Archive

As some of you probably know, I am horribly frightened that someone might be attracted to me someday. I'm not sure exactly why; maybe since I have no way of understanding what attraction is like, having never experienced it myself, I perceive it as a threat, or maybe I just can't accept that I can't control it completely, but I know that it is somewhat detrimental to me.

I know that I automatically think of myself as ugly. I don't want people to be attracted to me, so I have convinced myself that I am ugly over the years to the point where I cannot understand why anyone would be. Whenever I try to boost my self-esteem, whenever I start to look in the mirror and notice something about myself that looks somewhat nice, I panic and the fears get in the way. I become afraid that if I can notice anything about myself, than other people might be able to, as well, and then I think of myself as immodest for allowing anything that could possibly be attractive to be seen.

I don't know how to get over this. I seem stuck in this fear, and I don't know how to get away from it. I feel like I have to hide myself completely and never let anyone be attracted to me so that I can be safe. I feel like I can't notice anything attractive about myself, because then others might notice, too, and that would make me immodest somehow.

I hate feeling so insecure, but I'm starting to realize that I can't entirely stop other people from possibly being attracted to me. It's difficult to accept, and I feel like I need some help and advice. If anyone has any, it would be appreciated.

find a good counselor.

find a good counselor.

I have been seeing a counselor for a while, and it does help a little bit, but I feel like I need advice from different people now, particularly if anyone else has had any sort of similar fears in the past.

I have been seeing a counselor for a while, and it does help a little bit, but I feel like I need advice from different people now, particularly if anyone else has had any sort of similar fears in the past.

ahh...okay. It could be a good idea to swap to a new therapist or something.

Honestly, I can't help much with something like this...I would normally chalk it up to the average 16 year old awkwardness, but yours seems to be more than that.

find a good counselor.

Actually, this is probably the best thing to do Chandy.

You've already identified that its a problem and thus, consider it an irrational behaviour, so I don't know if there's anything we could do for you here. Plus, I wouldn't want to suggest anything that might make it worse.

Given the highly unusual nature of your phobia, maybe professional help is the way to go. Just remember though, that if someone is attracted to you, you can always refuse their advances.

The last thing I'd fear is someone being attracted to me...

As some of you probably know, I am horribly frightened that someone might be attracted to me someday. I'm not sure exactly why; maybe since I have no way of understanding what attraction is like, having never experienced it myself, I perceive it as a threat, or maybe I just can't accept that I can't control it completely, but I know that it is somewhat detrimental to me.
It isn't detrimental and doesn't actually really affect you. And there are a lot of things in life that you can't control. You can't control the thoughts of other people. Ever. You can influence them, but their thoughts are their own. If you've ever thought otherwise, you're ridiculously naive and somewhat arrogant (if in a strange way).

I know that I automatically think of myself as ugly. I don't want people to be attracted to me, so I have convinced myself that I am ugly over the years to the point where I cannot understand why anyone would be. Whenever I try to boost my self-esteem, whenever I start to look in the mirror and notice something about myself that looks somewhat nice, I panic and the fears get in the way. I become afraid that if I can notice anything about myself, than other people might be able to, as well, and then I think of myself as immodest for allowing anything that could possibly be attractive to be seen.
Thinking of yourself as ugly isn't going to affect how other people think of you, as you are not them, and can't control their thoughts. In fact, convincing yourself of being ugly probably has made things worse as you are now less able to understand why others might be attracted to you. Whether or not you deny to yourself that there's something nice about your visage, other people may notice it, since they have no reason to deny any pleasant appearence you may have. Modest is as modest does, in my opinion. I don't view the human body as immodest, I view bragging and other such machismo as immodest.

I don't know how to get over this. I seem stuck in this fear, and I don't know how to get away from it. I feel like I have to hide myself completely and never let anyone be attracted to me so that I can be safe. I feel like I can't notice anything attractive about myself, because then others might notice, too, and that would make me immodest somehow.
It's only immodest if you're actively attention-whoring. Bragging is far more immodest than even going nude. Others finding you attractive doesn't threaten you. And you finding yourself ugly has no bearing on what others think of you whatsoever. Maybe you should go to a nude beach.

I hate feeling so insecure, but I'm starting to realize that I can't entirely stop other people from possibly being attracted to me. It's difficult to accept, and I feel like I need some help and advice. If anyone has any, it would be appreciated.
You need to get some counselling rather than rely on NS General. We're not psychologists. I think some counselling would really help you in this.

As some of you probably know, I am horribly frightened that someone might be attracted to me someday. I'm not sure exactly why; maybe since I have no way of understanding what attraction is like, having never experienced it myself, I perceive it as a threat, or maybe I just can't accept that I can't control it completely, but I know that it is somewhat detrimental to me.

I know that I automatically think of myself as ugly. I don't want people to be attracted to me, so I have convinced myself that I am ugly over the years to the point where I cannot understand why anyone would be. Whenever I try to boost my self-esteem, whenever I start to look in the mirror and notice something about myself that looks somewhat nice, I panic and the fears get in the way. I become afraid that if I can notice anything about myself, than other people might be able to, as well, and then I think of myself as immodest for allowing anything that could possibly be attractive to be seen.

I don't know how to get over this. I seem stuck in this fear, and I don't know how to get away from it. I feel like I have to hide myself completely and never let anyone be attracted to me so that I can be safe. I feel like I can't notice anything attractive about myself, because then others might notice, too, and that would make me immodest somehow.

I hate feeling so insecure, but I'm starting to realize that I can't entirely stop other people from possibly being attracted to me. It's difficult to accept, and I feel like I need some help and advice. If anyone has any, it would be appreciated.

I may have asked you this before, but have you ever been sexually abused/assaulted? (If you have and you don't want to discuss it publically, you're welcome to TG me.) The reason I ask is that a lot of what you're describing sounds very much like what I went through after I was assaulted. I say "went through" in the past tense, but that's hardly accurate - it's still something I struggle with every day. There's still a little demon sitting on my shoulder insisting that if I take any pride in myself or my appearance, I am a filthy dirty whore and more people will want to hurt me. I've just gotten a lot better at ignoring that little demon.

Part of what helped me was really just forcing myself to sit down and think rationally about things. I would ask myself questions like, "When I see someone who is demonstrably even less attractive than me - someone who's horribly deformed, say, or extremely obese - wearing pretty clothes or acting flirty, do I think she is a terrible person or despise her for it?" I would admit that the answer to that is "No, of course not," and then I would literally say aloud, "Then there is NO REASON for me to feel that way about myself." Try it. Ask yourself, too, what the worst possible result of someone thinking you're cute would be. Make yourself acknowledge, out loud, looking at yourself in the mirror, that it honestly wouldn't cause you any awful problems. Look yourself right in the eye and say, "If someone said I was cute, it would not hurt me. If I dress up to look attractive, there's nothing wrong with that. If I feel pretty, it's because I deserve to feel pretty," and so on. If you catch yourself thinking the opposite, really force yourself to apply rationality to the situation and realize that there's just nothing to be afraid of.

And, of course, talk to your therapist about all this. Heck, if I were you, I'd read her your post here verbatim. We friendly folks on the internet can only do so much; a real, live expert is likely to be much more helpful.

It's hard to understand why you feel this mostly since it's the polar opposite of the society idea of "Attraction is good." I or most likely anyone else here can solve the phobia, yet I guess if your looking for support a lot of people here are willing to give it.

With exposure and positive experiences you'll gradually overcome it. :fluffle: :D

find a good counselor.

Like, Darius Fontaine and his Inversion Therapy?

Like, Darius Fontaine and his Inversion Therapy?

precisely ;)

As some of you probably know, I am horribly frightened that someone might be attracted to me someday. I'm not sure exactly why; maybe since I have no way of understanding what attraction is like, having never experienced it myself, I perceive it as a threat, or maybe I just can't accept that I can't control it completely, but I know that it is somewhat detrimental to me.

I know that I automatically think of myself as ugly. I don't want people to be attracted to me, so I have convinced myself that I am ugly over the years to the point where I cannot understand why anyone would be. Whenever I try to boost my self-esteem, whenever I start to look in the mirror and notice something about myself that looks somewhat nice, I panic and the fears get in the way. I become afraid that if I can notice anything about myself, than other people might be able to, as well, and then I think of myself as immodest for allowing anything that could possibly be attractive to be seen.

I don't know how to get over this. I seem stuck in this fear, and I don't know how to get away from it. I feel like I have to hide myself completely and never let anyone be attracted to me so that I can be safe. I feel like I can't notice anything attractive about myself, because then others might notice, too, and that would make me immodest somehow.

I hate feeling so insecure, but I'm starting to realize that I can't entirely stop other people from possibly being attracted to me. It's difficult to accept, and I feel like I need some help and advice. If anyone has any, it would be appreciated.

Be honest with yourself, what is it that frightens you about the possibility that someone may find you attractive? What about that would be negative?

ahh...okay. It could be a good idea to swap to a new therapist or something.

Honestly, I can't help much with something like this...I would normally chalk it up to the average 16 year old awkwardness, but yours seems to be more than that.

From other posts of hers I suspect that this is a full blown phobia. It even sounds as if it interferes with her daily life.

I hate feeling so insecure, but I'm starting to realize that I can't entirely stop other people from possibly being attracted to me. It's difficult to accept, and I feel like I need some help and advice. If anyone has any, it would be appreciated.

You're probably already doing the right thing if you're getting help. However, if you don't feel any physical attraction, you shouldn't be ashamed of that or try to force feelings for people you don't like. Some people just don't get those kinds of feelings. I basically never do, and don't like dealing with others outside work or school - it's natural to feel that way and nothing to worry about.

The key, I'd think, is to deal with that directly, instead of inventing flaws that 'disqualify' you in some way from socializing in that way. You don't need to consider yourself a leper to feel safe, just be more self-confident and, if someone flirts with you, simply set them straight as to your disinterest. No need to walk around ashamed over something you can't control.

The last thing I'd fear is someone being attracted to me...

Ditto. I fear the opposite instead.

I may have asked you this before, but have you ever been sexually abused/assaulted?

So I'm not the only one who gets a wiff of that from her reactions . . .

Bottle of whisky and a revolver.

At least it will shut up the oh-the-drama-high-school-livejournal-pissant whining.

Bottle of whisky and a revolver.

At least it will shut up the oh-the-drama-high-school-livejournal-pissant whining.

Wow, William S. Burroughs rears his peculiarly ugly head AGAIN.

Make fun of people worse off than you, and all your problems will be pushed off onto them.

Bottle of whisky and a revolver.

At least it will shut up the oh-the-drama-high-school-livejournal-pissant whining.

Pretty much. Although, if the guy has a legit mental condition, it's a bit different. Those "my girlfriend left me" or "why doesn't anyone like me" threads make me with there was some kind of IP-detecting orbital nuclear missile battery..

Make fun of people worse off than you, and all your problems will be pushed off onto them.

Oh, snap!

Bottle of whisky and a revolver.

At least it will shut up the oh-the-drama-high-school-livejournal-pissant whining.

Thanks. You've been incredibly helpful to the fragile young lady. <sarcasm off>

:headbang:

Chandelier, I will leave it up to you if you want to report this little shit to the mods or not.

Thanks. You've been incredibly helpful to the fragile young lady. <sarcasm off>

:headbang:

Chandelier, I will leave it up to you if you want to report this little shit to the mods or not.

Welcome to the internets. There is serious business here.

Just recall that even if someone is attracted to you, most of the time they won't let you know without any signs of encouragement on your part. Even if they do, you can be safe in the knowledge that wholesale rejection is totally acceptable.

Thanks. You've been incredibly helpful to the fragile young lady. <sarcasm off>

:headbang:

Chandelier, I will leave it up to you if you want to report this little shit to the mods or not.

You're very welcome.

Every night, I dream a little dream that annoying kids will stop spamming NSG with this kind of crap. There's vampirefreaks.com or myspace.com or whatever for this "I want attention" garbage.

Thanks. You've been incredibly helpful to the fragile young lady. <sarcasm off>

:headbang:

Chandelier, I will leave it up to you if you want to report this little shit to the mods or not.

I took care of it for her ;)

I took care of it for her ;)

Crybaby, meet tattletale

:rolleyes:

I have been seeing a counselor for a while, and it does help a little bit, but I feel like I need advice from different people now, particularly if anyone else has had any sort of similar fears in the past.

I didn't suffer from exactly the same, but I was in a somewhat similar situation once.
I lived through an abusive childhood, which left me emotionally fairly unstable (and a good few NSers here can confirm that, I think), as well as definitely overweight. And before anybody jumps on me, no, my parents didn't force-feed me, I did that myself, but my motivation was to make myself as unattractive as possible to escape my father's "attentions".
My self-image was as negative as I could possibly make it, and I was working actively to make it worse each day. The thought that someone might be attracted to me was more ridiculous than anything else, though, I wasn't afraid of it as such, I was simply considering it ludicrous.

There's no easy way out, I'm afraid. I had to learn to accept myself in small, small steps over more than a decade. And not only to accept myself, the biggest lesson of all was to love myself, and I'm still learning that.
The thing that helped me the most was the simple fact that at some point, somebody really was attracted to me, and did all he could to make me believe it, too. It was a very bumpy ride, and sometimes when I look at myself I still don't believe it, but I managed to come to terms with who I am, in all aspects including sexuality.

I think having a counselor is a very good thing. We can try all we want, but giving really useful advise online is more than tricky. I also think it's a good idea to find different people and different opinions on the problem, but I suspect you'll find that one real-life conversation with a friend will bring you a lot more than a thread on the forums. That's not to say that we won't listen and try to help, but it'll be in a remote and detached way, whereas a conversation with a friend is a rational and emotional experience that might help you to understand yourself a lot better.

Crybaby, meet tattletale

:rolleyes:

No. Pritty much what you did was disrespectful of Chandelier. There is a documented phobia of attachment and if your too ignorant to see this then please, for god sakes, don't bait her. Alright?

I guess the biggest question is: what is it you expect to happen should a person find you attractive? Are you afraid of some violence, or are you afraid of a relationship?

No. Pritty much what you did was disrespectful of Chandelier. There is a documented phobia of attachment and if your too ignorant to see this then please, for god sakes, don't bait her. Alright?

Amen!

Crybaby, meet tattletale

:rolleyes:

God damn palookas.

I may have asked you this before, but have you ever been sexually abused/assaulted? (If you have and you don't want to discuss it publically, you're welcome to TG me.) The reason I ask is that a lot of what you're describing sounds very much like what I went through after I was assaulted. I say "went through" in the past tense, but that's hardly accurate - it's still something I struggle with every day. There's still a little demon sitting on my shoulder insisting that if I take any pride in myself or my appearance, I am a filthy dirty whore and more people will want to hurt me. I've just gotten a lot better at ignoring that little demon.

Part of what helped me was really just forcing myself to sit down and think rationally about things. I would ask myself questions like, "When I see someone who is demonstrably even less attractive than me - someone who's horribly deformed, say, or extremely obese - wearing pretty clothes or acting flirty, do I think she is a terrible person or despise her for it?" I would admit that the answer to that is "No, of course not," and then I would literally say aloud, "Then there is NO REASON for me to feel that way about myself." Try it. Ask yourself, too, what the worst possible result of someone thinking you're cute would be. Make yourself acknowledge, out loud, looking at yourself in the mirror, that it honestly wouldn't cause you any awful problems. Look yourself right in the eye and say, "If someone said I was cute, it would not hurt me. If I dress up to look attractive, there's nothing wrong with that. If I feel pretty, it's because I deserve to feel pretty," and so on. If you catch yourself thinking the opposite, really force yourself to apply rationality to the situation and realize that there's just nothing to be afraid of.

And, of course, talk to your therapist about all this. Heck, if I were you, I'd read her your post here verbatim. We friendly folks on the internet can only do so much; a real, live expert is likely to be much more helpful.

No, I've never been abused or assaulted.

I think I can try that. Thank you.

I didn't suffer from exactly the same, but I was in a somewhat similar situation once.
I lived through an abusive childhood, which left me emotionally fairly unstable (and a good few NSers here can confirm that, I think), as well as definitely overweight. And before anybody jumps on me, no, my parents didn't force-feed me, I did that myself, but my motivation was to make myself as unattractive as possible to escape my father's "attentions".
My self-image was as negative as I could possibly make it, and I was working actively to make it worse each day. The thought that someone might be attracted to me was more ridiculous than anything else, though, I wasn't afraid of it as such, I was simply considering it ludicrous.

There's no easy way out, I'm afraid. I had to learn to accept myself in small, small steps over more than a decade. And not only to accept myself, the biggest lesson of all was to love myself, and I'm still learning that.
The thing that helped me the most was the simple fact that at some point, somebody really was attracted to me, and did all he could to make me believe it, too. It was a very bumpy ride, and sometimes when I look at myself I still don't believe it, but I managed to come to terms with who I am, in all aspects including sexuality.

I think having a counselor is a very good thing. We can try all we want, but giving really useful advise online is more than tricky. I also think it's a good idea to find different people and different opinions on the problem, but I suspect you'll find that one real-life conversation with a friend will bring you a lot more than a thread on the forums. That's not to say that we won't listen and try to help, but it'll be in a remote and detached way, whereas a conversation with a friend is a rational and emotional experience that might help you to understand yourself a lot better.

For a while I don't think I even acknowledged that I was afraid of it. I just thought that it would be ridiculous for anyone to be attracted to me. There are some things that I do like about myself, but I have a lot of trouble accepting anything physical about myself.

I hope I can find a friend to talk to about this. It would probably help. I'll have to think about talking to one of them about it.

I guess the biggest question is: what is it you expect to happen should a person find you attractive? Are you afraid of some violence, or are you afraid of a relationship?

I really am not sure. Probably both.

As some of you probably know, I am horribly frightened that someone might be attracted to me someday. .... It's difficult to accept, and I feel like I need some help and advice. If anyone has any, it would be appreciated.

I have a similar fear, though I am not asexual. You'd think if I could be attracted to others, then it would be logical if others could be attracted to me, but that seems so alien to my view of myself I cannot accept it. So for me, there's a fear of being proved wrong, but also of the possible intimacy and any humiliation/embarassment that may follow based on that.

Then again, I have no belief in others' love (as separate from attraction) for me either, even friends/family.

I have been seeing a counselor for a while, and it does help a little bit, but I feel like I need advice from different people now, particularly if anyone else has had any sort of similar fears in the past.

If I hear someone's attracted to me, I laugh it off. Consequence of two failed crushes. Try doing that, it might help.