Johnny B Goode
17-03-2007, 00:34
I'm writing a story, and I ask NSG for help before I submit it to a site.
Here is the story:
Yo. I’m Sam. Sam I am, do you like green eggs and ham…you’ve probably heard all the jokes. Anyway, on with the story. I’m 16, a high school junior. So, a few weeks ago…
My morning is somewhat like this. I wake up (though I’d rather not), eat breakfast, shower, and get out. Then I meet my two friends Scott, Jimmy, and occasionally Jane. Jane? She’s this red-haired girl who’s bi, and she’s also kinda hot. But we all treat her like one of the guys, so she hangs out with us, because people don’t accept her (because she’s bi). She also gets really mad if you call her a lesbian (“I’M BI, DAMMMIT! I GO BOTH WAYS!”). Then we all wait around for the bus, and Jimmy tries to hit on some of the girls. Except for Jane - if he tries, he’ll get beat up. Jane’s not the kind of girl for whom a slap constitutes a beating.
I was out the door after finishing breakfast. Then, I heard a yell of “Hey, Sam!” Scott came running up to me. “I got it onto my secret laptop.” “Great,” I said. “I’ll come over on Saturday and watch it.” Now you may ask what the hell we are talking about. I am a peeper. So are Scott and our friend Jimmy. And sometimes Jane joins us for our peeping. (One of the rare times you see a girl fap without going to a porn site). Our mission: A daring enterprise, to boldly go where no man has gone before. The girl’s locker room! Now, you might think “AHHH, perverts!” and stop reading. However, we’re normal people. We aren’t shallow one-dimensional people like you think perverts are. None of us think we’ll get girls, so we do this as a hobby.
Jimmy Kirkson, or “Captain Kirk” as we like to joke, was our leader (I’ll give you three guesses why we called him that). We ran into him up at the end of the street, and told him the good news. “Nice,” he grinned. He agreed to come over on Saturday and watch it. The reason the girls never find out? Scott’s dad. He makes recon equipment for the Army, and lets Scott use the prototypes. They are the best equipment a peeper can get.
“Hey, gorgeous! You wanna go out after school?” said Jimmy, to a nearby girl. Frankly, you couldn’t blame him. He also made those weird phone calls, the calls where he pants and says “Whatcha wearing, baby?” I never got the point of that, when you can just peep in on girls.
“Maybe some other time,” she said, brushing him off without batting an eye.
“Jimmy, quit doing that,” I said. “You’re getting a bad reputation, and you aren’t getting any girls. The only one who will hang out with us is Jane.”
“That’s right. You should quit while you’re behind.”
A boy with a haircut resembling Mr. Spock had walked over from the other side of the street. He was the leader of the perverts. Now allow me to explain two things. The perverts watch porn and read dirty magazines. We peepers use a camera in the girls’ locker room. I don’t know why, but Jimmy and the pervert leader have always been at loggerheads. They gave each other their usual greeting.
“Pervert.”
“Peeping tom.”
“Are you peeping today?”
“We always do.”
“That’s illogical. You know that’s more trouble then its worth. Porn gives us not only what you get, but other things too,” he replied, “cough! cough! lesbian sex cough!”
PERVERT BURN!!!!
Instead of formulating an answer, Jimmy chose to clench his fists. The pervert motioned toward the cell phone clipped to his belt. If he got in trouble he’d just text-message his buddies with: “Fap fap fap fap wank wank wank wank wank wank wank wank JACKOFF!” Yeah, that’s the perverts’ cry for help. Weird, isn’t it? However, before anything bad happened, the bus arrived. This ritual happened every day, to the point of monotony.
Nobody knew how interesting the next few days were going to get.
-----------------------------
In homeroom, the teacher introduced to a new transfer student.
This transfer student was really, and I mean really, hot. She had long brown hair, a good-looking face, and in my experience, a body that could stop traffic. I was thinking that she’d definitely be great on our cam. The problem was that her clothes were good at hiding her fantastic body! It was dumb luck I spotted it in the first place! Sure, her top showed her curves somewhat, but it didn’t show any cleavage, like other girls did. She also wore a loose unzipped jacket on top of that. This unfortunately hid her “importants” from sight. Her skirt, instead of being a miniskirt, went down a little past her knees. The sight would make any red blooded male cry. Why are all the goddesses such prudes? I mean, for Christ’s sake!
Our teacher said that her name was Carol. Carol Andrist. She sat down, and immediately started talking with some of the other girls. Naturally. Now to your random sidebar du jour…
In manga (Japanese comics, which I read), there is a thing that transfer students are always more than they appear. So, I was a little curious of our scorching beauty. Then I knew I’d been reading too much manga. Yet somehow, it was oddly prophetic. Back to the story…
The day was pretty normal. I went through history and math (noticing that Carol was in both) and a mind-numbingly boring study hall. However at lunch, things started getting strange. Then came lunch. I, for some reason, found myself watching Carol. Causing a strange conversation in my head…
You like her, don’t you?
Nah, she’s just a really…hot girl…who…
Come on, admit it.
Okay, okay. So I like her. But what now? I gave this up after the last incident.
The aforementioned incident involved a girl who I’d liked. I’d failed miserably, she’d moved later on, and I decided it wasn’t worth it. I didn’t go nuts. Good thing.
I finished eating, and went outside to go listen to Black Sabbath on my iPod. They are the shit. Sorry, I’m getting a little sidetracked. Anyway, I heard Carol talking to the other girls, so I stood away, but listened intently. Nobody noticed. What happened went something like this:
“You realize you are being peeped on every day? You realize people here watch porn? And guess whose fault it is?”
They didn’t answer.
Carol sighed, and gave a very annoyed frown as she clearly thought, I’m surrounded by idiots.
“Do I need to spell it out? G-U-Y-S? The ones with the y chromosomes?!”
They seemed to chew this thought over, and after a while someone spoke.
“Well, shouldn’t we do something?”
I could see her trying to formulate an answer. Then, she hit it. Oh, shit, I thought.
“Don’t worry about it. Stand up to those guys so you won’t be objectified. Show them whose boss, who wears the skirts in this school! Now raise your right hand and repeat after me!”
They complied.
“I will stamp out all perverts!’”
Again, they all did so, me watching this with a growing amount of fear. I then noticed something slightly unnerving. She had a swastika tattooed on her palm. The Nazi kind, which is definitely not cool. After what I saw, I decided there was only one word for people like this.
Feminazis.
If this wasn’t so serious to me and my libido, I’d break out laughing at the absurdity of it all. I tried to digest what had just happened. Holy crap, I thought. I’d better talk to Scott and Jimmy. I mean, we do it because it’s a hobby, not to make fun of women. Unfortunately, the bell rang, and I had no more classes with them. I went through my English and science classes, unable to concentrate.
I was relaxing a little before my parents got home when Jimmy called. Surfing the net, listening to some good rock music, the simple things in life. “Sam,” he said “What’s up?” I replied that nothing was happening, so he proceeded to his call. “The lead pervert called. He says his porno magazines are all gone, and the videos on his computer too. He wants to know who did it.”
“Are you kidding? Why would I do that? We’re different, but we all do the same stuff.”
“Well, someone took it. Scott isn’t that sneaky, and I didn’t do it.”
“We’ll worry about this tomorrow,” I said. “We need to relax and think it through.” Unfortunately, I couldn’t relax after what I’d just heard.
So I got no sleep, and woke up feeling really tired. I ate, and managed to wake up by the time I met Scott and Jimmy. I went over to Jane, just because…
“Hey, Jane,” I said. She ignored me.
“…”
“Oh, real mature. Ignore my existence. Never would have expected it from you, Jane.”
“Go away.”
“Come on. If I want to be hated, I can just hang out with somebody else.”
Jane mulled over my reply a little. “Bullshit.”
Ouch. I mean seriously, that hurt. That was entirely true.
“You just want to objectify me. Look at my body as if it was on display.”
I started wondering what the hell that feminazi speech had done. It’s like all the girls were robots.
“Shame I won’t be able to join you today. But we all have to make sacrifices,”
“Now who’s talking bullshit?” I said tiredly. I wasn’t getting anywhere, so I quit and went over to Scott and Jimmy.
“Hey,” I said sleepily. “Jane’s all weird. She’s just completely ignoring me.”
Jimmy looked up. “Man, we’ve really got a problem.”
No shit, Sherlock, I thought inwardly.
The day went normally, but at lunch, Scott was really worried. “My camera’s gone!” he yelled. “And it was the good one too!”
“How?” said Jimmy. Despite the situation, he managed to remain completely calm. Which is, of course, why he’s our leader.
“What the hell happened?” I yelled.
“Someone figured it out” he said. “But how, I have no freaking clue…”
“This is very unusual,” said Jimmy, resting his chin in his hands.
“No shit, Sherlock,” I quipped.
“Keep digging, Watson,” he responded offhandedly.
“How the hell were you found out?” I said. “Someone must have talked.”
Now I know what Jane and Carol were talking about, I thought. They took the camera and the porn. But how?
However, I couldn’t suppress an inward chuckle. Stupid feminazi. You and your followers talk too much.
“We’ll just worry about this tomorrow,” said Jimmy sagely.
I then remembered what I’d heard at lunch and what I’d heard Jane say, and I did the best thing I could: tell Jimmy.
“Damn,” he said. “Forget tomorrow, this is serious.”
At dismissal, Jimmy filled me in. “The only people out of the loop are the perverts. I’ll explain it now.”
Jimmy went to explain this to them. The leader didn’t believe this. ”This is just illogical. You can’t expect me to believe a ‘vast feminazi conspiracy’ is behind all this.”
“You better believe it,” I said. “I sure as hell didn’t take your porn.”
He seemed to think this over. “This is just completely illogical.”
“What if I told you I heard Carol imply that she’d taken those things?” I replied. “And Jane?”
He thought it over again. “Now I believe you. But what do we do about Carol? We have to somehow convince the girls we’re not out to objectify them, and get our stuff back from that twisted bitch.”
I started thinking. Why is this starting to sound like one of those weird mystery novels?
Scott spoke up. “I got a note.”
Jimmy said, “Let’s hear it,” and Scott read the note:
Dear perverts,
That camera and those magazines were excellent. I will definitely enjoy using them.
Carol
“Using them?” said the pervert. Then he realized what that implied. “This is illogical. This is just illogical.”
Left to state the obvious, I said, “She’s a lesbian?”
They all gave me a look that said Either that, or one of Jane’s friends (3 guesses as to what that means)
“Okay,” I said. “I’ll talk to Jane. After all, I’m the one who introduced her to us. Maybe I can convince her that that feminazi’s all wrong.”
“You do that,” said Jimmy, not completely convinced that I could. To tell the truth, I wasn’t sure I could do it either.
So, I went over to Jane and said hey. What do I get? Complete silence.
“…”
“Come on, Jane. You know me. Would I ever do this to be mean?”
“…”
“Jesus Christ, say something.”
“Go die in a hole,” she said.
Trying to make a joke out of it, I responded. “Ow. That hurt. That hurt right here.” Instead of pointing to my heart, I pointed to my crotch. (Get it? Kick in the nuts…Aw, hell.)
“…”
Okay. This was really starting to get on my nerves. When one of your best friends, who happens to be a girl, starts being a bitch to you, you get angry. So, I punched Jane. I know it’s rude to hit girls, but Jane’s tough. So, she punched me back. This turned into a brawl. I kicked at her, and she was punching me back into the stone age. I was yelling at her the whole time, and getting badly beat up. Then I remembered something about deprogramming. Discredit the leader. Cut off the head and the whole snake dies.
So, I said something I knew would be a system shock. “You realize she only took our camera to use it? That she just used you and all the other girls?”
That hit the metaphorical spot. Jane opened her eyes extremely wide. “WHAAAAAAAAAAAT!?” she yelled.
I grinned slightly at my own success, and continued. “How could she be so against porn if she watches it herself?”
Jane listened and said something. “No. Fucking. Way.” She then proceeded to beat me up again. By this time I was holding my stomach in pain, but nothing too important had been damaged. I continued with my argument, after all, I couldn’t afford to lose, could I?
After a while, I didn’t hurt so badly. Jane had stopped punching me. “You’re serious, aren’t you?”
“Do I look like I’m not?” I quipped.
Jane seemed to open up. “Well, I was just going along with the crowd.”
I nearly fell on my face. Then I remembered what I came for.
“I need to ask a favor. Can you convince the other girls?”
“Why not you?” she asked.
“One: I can’t talk to girls. Two: You can.” I responded.
“So true. I’ll see what I can do,” she said.
“Thanks a lot, Jane.”
Wow. That was easier than I thought it’d be.
Okay. Recap. Jane’s gonna tell the other girls all this, and Jimmy, Scott, and I are all going with the perverts to see what we can do about Carol.
Jimmy and the Spock guy called an emergency meeting.
“So, what do we do about Carol?”
“Beat her up.” This suggestion came from Bones McCoy. He was huge, tough and mean. Also kind of retarded, but perverted as the next guy. His dad also happened to be a doctor and had some very detailed anatomy books. (If I need to tell you what that means, you’re dead, stupid, or really sheltered)
“Bones, as illogical as it is in this case, it is not polite to beat up a girl.”
“Nah, let’s get them back in a poker game.” This suggestion came from Shiro Kirifuda. He was fascinated by poker and other such card games, and equally good at them. He also owned a large number of perverted mangas.
“Shiro, that’s more than just illogical.”
“I agree with Bones,” said Jimmy. “She’s tough enough to give us shit.”
“Amen,” I agreed. “Let’s give her hers.”
Jimmy went over to Carol. “I got something to say. Privately.”
Those two went outside. Jane, Scott, Bones, Shiro, the pervert leader, and I followed. An equally large group of feminazis followed.
“You took our porn and used it, just like you used all those girls.”
The feminazis looked shocked. They began whispering to each other.
I continued. “Why the fucking hell did you do that?”
Carol grinned. A scary grin. “It was fun. I always see what I can do, and besides, boys drool.”
Something as childish as “boys drool” came into this? This is wrong. Seriously wrong. This girl is a clear example of what Freud once called “creepy”, I thought.
“Besides, I would never be able to get there otherwise. You have some very good porn,” she said, and I could imagine her sitting there, jerking off, and licking her lips hungrily. I decided that I had an overactive imagination.
Now the feminazis looked shocked. One of the girls went to Jane and asked “Is it true?” Jane nodded.
Bones grinned. Apparently he enjoyed having the feminazi cornered.
At this, I couldn’t resist dropping a bad pun. “Miss Andrist, I believe you have just been OWNED!” (Get it, Miss Andrist, Misandrist? Christ’s sakes…)
CRASH AND BURN!!!!!!!!!! Yeah, how do you like your toast!? Excuse me…
Carol looked like she was going to kill me. But, we all know, looks can’t kill.
“The jig is up. You gonna face reality or keep dancing?” This came from Scott. And it was extremely out of character, but better than his usual insecure nerdiness.
Carol looked like she wouldn’t go down without a fight. But Jane’s words really hit the mark.
“You used us all, like we weren’t even human. Bitch.”
Carol just couldn’t take it, I guess. Something snapped.
“I give.”
We returned the next day to find our things back where they used to be. Carol had transferred out, and everything was back to normal. What would happen next, though? What would happen next?
I gotta credit my bro for edits.
Here is the story:
Yo. I’m Sam. Sam I am, do you like green eggs and ham…you’ve probably heard all the jokes. Anyway, on with the story. I’m 16, a high school junior. So, a few weeks ago…
My morning is somewhat like this. I wake up (though I’d rather not), eat breakfast, shower, and get out. Then I meet my two friends Scott, Jimmy, and occasionally Jane. Jane? She’s this red-haired girl who’s bi, and she’s also kinda hot. But we all treat her like one of the guys, so she hangs out with us, because people don’t accept her (because she’s bi). She also gets really mad if you call her a lesbian (“I’M BI, DAMMMIT! I GO BOTH WAYS!”). Then we all wait around for the bus, and Jimmy tries to hit on some of the girls. Except for Jane - if he tries, he’ll get beat up. Jane’s not the kind of girl for whom a slap constitutes a beating.
I was out the door after finishing breakfast. Then, I heard a yell of “Hey, Sam!” Scott came running up to me. “I got it onto my secret laptop.” “Great,” I said. “I’ll come over on Saturday and watch it.” Now you may ask what the hell we are talking about. I am a peeper. So are Scott and our friend Jimmy. And sometimes Jane joins us for our peeping. (One of the rare times you see a girl fap without going to a porn site). Our mission: A daring enterprise, to boldly go where no man has gone before. The girl’s locker room! Now, you might think “AHHH, perverts!” and stop reading. However, we’re normal people. We aren’t shallow one-dimensional people like you think perverts are. None of us think we’ll get girls, so we do this as a hobby.
Jimmy Kirkson, or “Captain Kirk” as we like to joke, was our leader (I’ll give you three guesses why we called him that). We ran into him up at the end of the street, and told him the good news. “Nice,” he grinned. He agreed to come over on Saturday and watch it. The reason the girls never find out? Scott’s dad. He makes recon equipment for the Army, and lets Scott use the prototypes. They are the best equipment a peeper can get.
“Hey, gorgeous! You wanna go out after school?” said Jimmy, to a nearby girl. Frankly, you couldn’t blame him. He also made those weird phone calls, the calls where he pants and says “Whatcha wearing, baby?” I never got the point of that, when you can just peep in on girls.
“Maybe some other time,” she said, brushing him off without batting an eye.
“Jimmy, quit doing that,” I said. “You’re getting a bad reputation, and you aren’t getting any girls. The only one who will hang out with us is Jane.”
“That’s right. You should quit while you’re behind.”
A boy with a haircut resembling Mr. Spock had walked over from the other side of the street. He was the leader of the perverts. Now allow me to explain two things. The perverts watch porn and read dirty magazines. We peepers use a camera in the girls’ locker room. I don’t know why, but Jimmy and the pervert leader have always been at loggerheads. They gave each other their usual greeting.
“Pervert.”
“Peeping tom.”
“Are you peeping today?”
“We always do.”
“That’s illogical. You know that’s more trouble then its worth. Porn gives us not only what you get, but other things too,” he replied, “cough! cough! lesbian sex cough!”
PERVERT BURN!!!!
Instead of formulating an answer, Jimmy chose to clench his fists. The pervert motioned toward the cell phone clipped to his belt. If he got in trouble he’d just text-message his buddies with: “Fap fap fap fap wank wank wank wank wank wank wank wank JACKOFF!” Yeah, that’s the perverts’ cry for help. Weird, isn’t it? However, before anything bad happened, the bus arrived. This ritual happened every day, to the point of monotony.
Nobody knew how interesting the next few days were going to get.
-----------------------------
In homeroom, the teacher introduced to a new transfer student.
This transfer student was really, and I mean really, hot. She had long brown hair, a good-looking face, and in my experience, a body that could stop traffic. I was thinking that she’d definitely be great on our cam. The problem was that her clothes were good at hiding her fantastic body! It was dumb luck I spotted it in the first place! Sure, her top showed her curves somewhat, but it didn’t show any cleavage, like other girls did. She also wore a loose unzipped jacket on top of that. This unfortunately hid her “importants” from sight. Her skirt, instead of being a miniskirt, went down a little past her knees. The sight would make any red blooded male cry. Why are all the goddesses such prudes? I mean, for Christ’s sake!
Our teacher said that her name was Carol. Carol Andrist. She sat down, and immediately started talking with some of the other girls. Naturally. Now to your random sidebar du jour…
In manga (Japanese comics, which I read), there is a thing that transfer students are always more than they appear. So, I was a little curious of our scorching beauty. Then I knew I’d been reading too much manga. Yet somehow, it was oddly prophetic. Back to the story…
The day was pretty normal. I went through history and math (noticing that Carol was in both) and a mind-numbingly boring study hall. However at lunch, things started getting strange. Then came lunch. I, for some reason, found myself watching Carol. Causing a strange conversation in my head…
You like her, don’t you?
Nah, she’s just a really…hot girl…who…
Come on, admit it.
Okay, okay. So I like her. But what now? I gave this up after the last incident.
The aforementioned incident involved a girl who I’d liked. I’d failed miserably, she’d moved later on, and I decided it wasn’t worth it. I didn’t go nuts. Good thing.
I finished eating, and went outside to go listen to Black Sabbath on my iPod. They are the shit. Sorry, I’m getting a little sidetracked. Anyway, I heard Carol talking to the other girls, so I stood away, but listened intently. Nobody noticed. What happened went something like this:
“You realize you are being peeped on every day? You realize people here watch porn? And guess whose fault it is?”
They didn’t answer.
Carol sighed, and gave a very annoyed frown as she clearly thought, I’m surrounded by idiots.
“Do I need to spell it out? G-U-Y-S? The ones with the y chromosomes?!”
They seemed to chew this thought over, and after a while someone spoke.
“Well, shouldn’t we do something?”
I could see her trying to formulate an answer. Then, she hit it. Oh, shit, I thought.
“Don’t worry about it. Stand up to those guys so you won’t be objectified. Show them whose boss, who wears the skirts in this school! Now raise your right hand and repeat after me!”
They complied.
“I will stamp out all perverts!’”
Again, they all did so, me watching this with a growing amount of fear. I then noticed something slightly unnerving. She had a swastika tattooed on her palm. The Nazi kind, which is definitely not cool. After what I saw, I decided there was only one word for people like this.
Feminazis.
If this wasn’t so serious to me and my libido, I’d break out laughing at the absurdity of it all. I tried to digest what had just happened. Holy crap, I thought. I’d better talk to Scott and Jimmy. I mean, we do it because it’s a hobby, not to make fun of women. Unfortunately, the bell rang, and I had no more classes with them. I went through my English and science classes, unable to concentrate.
I was relaxing a little before my parents got home when Jimmy called. Surfing the net, listening to some good rock music, the simple things in life. “Sam,” he said “What’s up?” I replied that nothing was happening, so he proceeded to his call. “The lead pervert called. He says his porno magazines are all gone, and the videos on his computer too. He wants to know who did it.”
“Are you kidding? Why would I do that? We’re different, but we all do the same stuff.”
“Well, someone took it. Scott isn’t that sneaky, and I didn’t do it.”
“We’ll worry about this tomorrow,” I said. “We need to relax and think it through.” Unfortunately, I couldn’t relax after what I’d just heard.
So I got no sleep, and woke up feeling really tired. I ate, and managed to wake up by the time I met Scott and Jimmy. I went over to Jane, just because…
“Hey, Jane,” I said. She ignored me.
“…”
“Oh, real mature. Ignore my existence. Never would have expected it from you, Jane.”
“Go away.”
“Come on. If I want to be hated, I can just hang out with somebody else.”
Jane mulled over my reply a little. “Bullshit.”
Ouch. I mean seriously, that hurt. That was entirely true.
“You just want to objectify me. Look at my body as if it was on display.”
I started wondering what the hell that feminazi speech had done. It’s like all the girls were robots.
“Shame I won’t be able to join you today. But we all have to make sacrifices,”
“Now who’s talking bullshit?” I said tiredly. I wasn’t getting anywhere, so I quit and went over to Scott and Jimmy.
“Hey,” I said sleepily. “Jane’s all weird. She’s just completely ignoring me.”
Jimmy looked up. “Man, we’ve really got a problem.”
No shit, Sherlock, I thought inwardly.
The day went normally, but at lunch, Scott was really worried. “My camera’s gone!” he yelled. “And it was the good one too!”
“How?” said Jimmy. Despite the situation, he managed to remain completely calm. Which is, of course, why he’s our leader.
“What the hell happened?” I yelled.
“Someone figured it out” he said. “But how, I have no freaking clue…”
“This is very unusual,” said Jimmy, resting his chin in his hands.
“No shit, Sherlock,” I quipped.
“Keep digging, Watson,” he responded offhandedly.
“How the hell were you found out?” I said. “Someone must have talked.”
Now I know what Jane and Carol were talking about, I thought. They took the camera and the porn. But how?
However, I couldn’t suppress an inward chuckle. Stupid feminazi. You and your followers talk too much.
“We’ll just worry about this tomorrow,” said Jimmy sagely.
I then remembered what I’d heard at lunch and what I’d heard Jane say, and I did the best thing I could: tell Jimmy.
“Damn,” he said. “Forget tomorrow, this is serious.”
At dismissal, Jimmy filled me in. “The only people out of the loop are the perverts. I’ll explain it now.”
Jimmy went to explain this to them. The leader didn’t believe this. ”This is just illogical. You can’t expect me to believe a ‘vast feminazi conspiracy’ is behind all this.”
“You better believe it,” I said. “I sure as hell didn’t take your porn.”
He seemed to think this over. “This is just completely illogical.”
“What if I told you I heard Carol imply that she’d taken those things?” I replied. “And Jane?”
He thought it over again. “Now I believe you. But what do we do about Carol? We have to somehow convince the girls we’re not out to objectify them, and get our stuff back from that twisted bitch.”
I started thinking. Why is this starting to sound like one of those weird mystery novels?
Scott spoke up. “I got a note.”
Jimmy said, “Let’s hear it,” and Scott read the note:
Dear perverts,
That camera and those magazines were excellent. I will definitely enjoy using them.
Carol
“Using them?” said the pervert. Then he realized what that implied. “This is illogical. This is just illogical.”
Left to state the obvious, I said, “She’s a lesbian?”
They all gave me a look that said Either that, or one of Jane’s friends (3 guesses as to what that means)
“Okay,” I said. “I’ll talk to Jane. After all, I’m the one who introduced her to us. Maybe I can convince her that that feminazi’s all wrong.”
“You do that,” said Jimmy, not completely convinced that I could. To tell the truth, I wasn’t sure I could do it either.
So, I went over to Jane and said hey. What do I get? Complete silence.
“…”
“Come on, Jane. You know me. Would I ever do this to be mean?”
“…”
“Jesus Christ, say something.”
“Go die in a hole,” she said.
Trying to make a joke out of it, I responded. “Ow. That hurt. That hurt right here.” Instead of pointing to my heart, I pointed to my crotch. (Get it? Kick in the nuts…Aw, hell.)
“…”
Okay. This was really starting to get on my nerves. When one of your best friends, who happens to be a girl, starts being a bitch to you, you get angry. So, I punched Jane. I know it’s rude to hit girls, but Jane’s tough. So, she punched me back. This turned into a brawl. I kicked at her, and she was punching me back into the stone age. I was yelling at her the whole time, and getting badly beat up. Then I remembered something about deprogramming. Discredit the leader. Cut off the head and the whole snake dies.
So, I said something I knew would be a system shock. “You realize she only took our camera to use it? That she just used you and all the other girls?”
That hit the metaphorical spot. Jane opened her eyes extremely wide. “WHAAAAAAAAAAAT!?” she yelled.
I grinned slightly at my own success, and continued. “How could she be so against porn if she watches it herself?”
Jane listened and said something. “No. Fucking. Way.” She then proceeded to beat me up again. By this time I was holding my stomach in pain, but nothing too important had been damaged. I continued with my argument, after all, I couldn’t afford to lose, could I?
After a while, I didn’t hurt so badly. Jane had stopped punching me. “You’re serious, aren’t you?”
“Do I look like I’m not?” I quipped.
Jane seemed to open up. “Well, I was just going along with the crowd.”
I nearly fell on my face. Then I remembered what I came for.
“I need to ask a favor. Can you convince the other girls?”
“Why not you?” she asked.
“One: I can’t talk to girls. Two: You can.” I responded.
“So true. I’ll see what I can do,” she said.
“Thanks a lot, Jane.”
Wow. That was easier than I thought it’d be.
Okay. Recap. Jane’s gonna tell the other girls all this, and Jimmy, Scott, and I are all going with the perverts to see what we can do about Carol.
Jimmy and the Spock guy called an emergency meeting.
“So, what do we do about Carol?”
“Beat her up.” This suggestion came from Bones McCoy. He was huge, tough and mean. Also kind of retarded, but perverted as the next guy. His dad also happened to be a doctor and had some very detailed anatomy books. (If I need to tell you what that means, you’re dead, stupid, or really sheltered)
“Bones, as illogical as it is in this case, it is not polite to beat up a girl.”
“Nah, let’s get them back in a poker game.” This suggestion came from Shiro Kirifuda. He was fascinated by poker and other such card games, and equally good at them. He also owned a large number of perverted mangas.
“Shiro, that’s more than just illogical.”
“I agree with Bones,” said Jimmy. “She’s tough enough to give us shit.”
“Amen,” I agreed. “Let’s give her hers.”
Jimmy went over to Carol. “I got something to say. Privately.”
Those two went outside. Jane, Scott, Bones, Shiro, the pervert leader, and I followed. An equally large group of feminazis followed.
“You took our porn and used it, just like you used all those girls.”
The feminazis looked shocked. They began whispering to each other.
I continued. “Why the fucking hell did you do that?”
Carol grinned. A scary grin. “It was fun. I always see what I can do, and besides, boys drool.”
Something as childish as “boys drool” came into this? This is wrong. Seriously wrong. This girl is a clear example of what Freud once called “creepy”, I thought.
“Besides, I would never be able to get there otherwise. You have some very good porn,” she said, and I could imagine her sitting there, jerking off, and licking her lips hungrily. I decided that I had an overactive imagination.
Now the feminazis looked shocked. One of the girls went to Jane and asked “Is it true?” Jane nodded.
Bones grinned. Apparently he enjoyed having the feminazi cornered.
At this, I couldn’t resist dropping a bad pun. “Miss Andrist, I believe you have just been OWNED!” (Get it, Miss Andrist, Misandrist? Christ’s sakes…)
CRASH AND BURN!!!!!!!!!! Yeah, how do you like your toast!? Excuse me…
Carol looked like she was going to kill me. But, we all know, looks can’t kill.
“The jig is up. You gonna face reality or keep dancing?” This came from Scott. And it was extremely out of character, but better than his usual insecure nerdiness.
Carol looked like she wouldn’t go down without a fight. But Jane’s words really hit the mark.
“You used us all, like we weren’t even human. Bitch.”
Carol just couldn’t take it, I guess. Something snapped.
“I give.”
We returned the next day to find our things back where they used to be. Carol had transferred out, and everything was back to normal. What would happen next, though? What would happen next?
I gotta credit my bro for edits.