NationStates Jolt Archive

So, in case you're not familiar with my story, "Think of the Children!!", then here's an explanation. I started this story over hte summer, and it's about a time 20 years from now where kids are forced to follow this Manual, which consists of 15 rules, and if they don't obey thn they get sent to behavior camp, re-education camp, or facility. Naturally, of course, kids don't know anything about sex, drugs, violence, or even their own country's history, because the government has very heavily censored it all in the schools. Now, I wrote this excerpt on the bus on the way home, and, well.....


The classroom was dark and empty. The only sources of light were the light in the hall and the sunshine puring through the window. Damon and Adam soon realized that they were in the Teen Living classroom.

"What's this?" Damon asked. Adam turned around to see Damon holding a long and phallic object with a cone-shaped tip.

"I have no idea," Adam replied. "I mean, I've seen one before, but when I asked my mom what it was she told me to stop asking questions like that."

"I think my dad used to have one of these," Damon said. "I was little, and my mom played with it so much she broke it. I think it was right before my sister Ebony was born."

Damon began to stroke and squeeze the object gently, fingering the tip.

"Let me see it," Adam said, taking the weird thing from Damon's hands, replacing Damon's hands with his own on it. Adam too examined it closely, every little detail of it, rubbing up and down and playing with the tip- it felt odd. He and Damon looked at each other, then snickered. Adam fiddled with the tip a little bit, intrigued, as Damon watched his friend play with his new find. Adam grasped the other part- the odd-feeling part- and some strange white substance squirted out. Damon gasped loudly and grabbed the thing (and Adam's hand), which caused more of this white stuff to shoot out across the Teen Living classroom, splattering all over a pane of glass set into the classroom door and obscuring the face of a very surprised Kendra.

"What are you idiots doing?!" Kendra demanded as she threw open the door and stormed in.

"Er.... do you know what this is?" Damon asked her, showing her the object. The thing hung limply in his hand.

"Mm," Adam said, licking the white stuff from his hand. It was sweet icing that tasted sweet, though nothing like what Adam had ever tried before.

"You idiots!" Kendra exclaimed. "It's some icing-squirter thing. My cousin Jordan's in Teen Living, she taught me how to use it. You morons."

"Sorry," Adam said darkly, getting some paper towels to clean up the mess that he and Damon had made.



Well? What do you think? :p

If the spam forum has thought me anything it's that everything needs moar innuendo. Winful.

Teehee, that sounded dirty. Can we read the rest now?

[...]
Well? What do you think? :p
It makes good reading and I'm glad that you're still writing and posting it here. ;)

And then I realized that I have a very dirty mind... :eek:;):p

Delicious, truly delicious. :D

Delicious, truly delicious. :D

:D :fluffle:

It makes good reading and I'm glad that you're still writing and posting it here. ;)

And then I realized that I have a very dirty mind... :eek:;):p

You only just realised this now?!

I have an urge to make a cake and ice it now. :p :fluffle:

You only just realised this now?!

He's simply trying to hide the truth from himself. Deep down he has known all along. ;)

Well? What do you think? :p

I think a (or some) Kenny McCormick-esque character(s) from an alternate universe/country/time period/etc. needs to be thrown in at around Chapter 10.

Good, otherwise.

Weird (in a good way). How may I see the rest?
When it gets published. I don't knwo if this will be included though.

He's simply trying to hide the truth from himself. Deep down he has known all along. ;)

http://static.firedoglake.com/2006/04/denial.jpg

Weird (in a good way). How may I see the rest?

You only just realised this now?!
No, but reading this reminded me of how deep it really runs... And that scared me a wee little bit. :p

Well? What do you think? :p

Holy shit. :eek:

*gets a shower*

Holy shit. :eek:

*gets a shower*

:eek: :p

Holy shit. :eek:

*gets a shower*

Oh, come now. It is a great little story that shall stick with you forever. :)

I think you're going to be a damned fine author when you get older, Darknovae. As it stands this tidbit was pretty interesting and I'd love to read the entire story.

Quoted For Mighty Truth.
Will we be able to get an NSers dicount on your books?

Pweese?

Well? What do you think? :p
I think you're going to be a damned fine author when you get older, Darknovae. As it stands this tidbit was pretty interesting and I'd love to read the entire story.

one day you may end up having a book printed

That's wrong...

Wonders if people would be interested in critiquing an excerpt from his work...

Edit: Oooh I forgot the "So what do you think" part.

I liked it, a lot. There was one typo that I'm a bit surprised no one caught.

Where it says "hang limply." I think you mean "hung limply."

Wonders if people would be interested in critiquing an excerpt from his work...

Edit: Oooh I forgot the "So what do you think" part.

I liked it, a lot. There was one typo that I'm a bit surprised no one caught.

Where it says "hang limply." I think you mean "hung limply."

Ah. I'll fix it. My writing is win, but my typing is made of lose. :( :p

Quoted For Mighty Truth.
Will we be able to get an NSers dicount on your books?

Pweese?

I'll work it out.

Or would you like it signed? :)

I'll work it out.

Or would you like it signed? :)

OOOOOH OOOOH SIGNED!pleeze

Ah. I'll fix it. My writing is win, but my typing is made of lose. :( :p

It's all good. Everyone needs a second pair of eyes in the proofreading process. Your mind tends to fill in the gaps because you already know what's supposed to be there. Which, while useful, can have consequences.

Weighed....... down...... by...... the..........innuendo.......

Other than that, I can't say. No thematic expression, or techniques, that I was able to discern.

OOOOOH OOOOH SIGNED!pleeze :D :fluffle:

It's all good. Everyone needs a second pair of eyes in the proofreading process. Your mind tends to fill in the gaps because you already know what's supposed to be there. Which, while useful, can have consequences.

Thanks. :D

:D :fluffle:



Thanks. :D

No problem. :)

one day you may end up having a book printed

I always wanted to have my poetry published. We should do a group NS book!

So, in case you're not familiar with my story, "Think of the Children!!", then here's an explanation. I started this story over hte summer, and it's about a time 20 years from now where kids are forced to follow this Manual, which consists of 15 rules, and if they don't obey thn they get sent to behavior camp, re-education camp, or facility. Naturally, of course, kids don't know anything about sex, drugs, violence, or even their own country's history, because the government has very heavily censored it all in the schools. Now, I wrote this excerpt on the bus on the way home, and, well.....


The classroom was dark and empty. The only sources of light were the light in the hall and the sunshine puring through the window. Damon and Adam soon realized that they were in the Teen Living classroom.

"What's this?" Damon asked. Adam turned around to see Damon holding a long and phallic object with a cone-shaped tip.

"I have no idea," Adam replied. "I mean, I've seen one before, but when I asked my mom what it was she told me to stop asking questions like that."

"I think my dad used to have one of these," Damon said. "I was little, and my mom played with it so much she broke it. I think it was right before my sister Ebony was born."

Damon began to stroke and squeeze the object gently, fingering the tip.

"Let me see it," Adam said, taking the weird thing from Damon's hands, replacing Damon's hands with his own on it. Adam too examined it closely, every little detail of it, rubbing up and down and playing with the tip- it felt odd. He and Damon looked at each other, then snickered. Adam fiddled with the tip a little bit, intrigued, as Damon watched his friend play with his new find. Adam grasped the other part- the odd-feeling part- and some strange white substance squirted out. Damon gasped loudly and grabbed the thing (and Adam's hand), which caused more of this white stuff to shoot out across the Teen Living classroom, splattering all over a pane of glass set into the classroom door and obscuring the face of a very surprised Kendra.

"What are you idiots doing?!" Kendra demanded as she threw open the door and stormed in.

"Er.... do you know what this is?" Damon asked her, showing her the object. The thing hung limply in his hand.

"Mm," Adam said, licking the white stuff from his hand. It was sweet icing that tasted sweet, though nothing like what Adam had ever tried before.

"You idiots!" Kendra exclaimed. "It's some icing-squirter thing. My cousin Jordan's in Teen Living, she taught me how to use it. You morons."

"Sorry," Adam said darkly, getting some paper towels to clean up the mess that he and Damon had made.



Well? What do you think? :p

Whoa. Gay innuendo much?

I always wanted to have my poetry published. We should do a group NS book!

That would be nice. I have a few poems I could submit, of varying types.

Whoa. Gay innuendo much?

You are observant, aren't you :rolleyes:

What I confused by isThe classroom was dark and empty. The only sources of light were the light in the hall and the sunshine puring through the window. Damon and Adam soon realized that they were in the Teen Living classroom.How can a room both be dark and have sunshine pouring into it?

Whoa. Gay innuendo much?

That was kind of the point, man. ;)

Whoa. Gay innuendo much?

Words fail me.

Weighed....... down...... by...... the..........innuendo.......

Other than that, I can't say. No thematic expression, or techniques, that I was able to discern.Pfft, you sound like the type of person would describe 'The Metamorphosis' as Kafka-esque.

The Squid and the Whale - good film. People should go see it. *nods*

You've never been in a classroom when the lights were off, yet the shades open?Wouldn't the room be bright then? It's just the use of the word 'puring' (I presume it's a type for pouring), means lots and lots of whatever it is. If you wanted to imply just a little then a word like 'seeping' might be better.

I time warped your ass, biatch.

What I confused by isHow can a room both be dark and have sunshine pouring into it?

You've never been in a classroom when the lights were off, yet the shades open?

I always wanted to have my poetry published. We should do a group NS book!

That would be nice. I have a few poems I could submit, of varying types.

getting it together would take same time and money

[QUOTE=Imperial isa;12435906]getting it together would take same time and money[/QUOTEHey, I don't know about you, but us UK generalites are organised. We're like on our fourth meet-thingy. All we need is the money.

*tries to fix ass*

Got a crack in it?
Teeheehee

Wouldn't the room be bright then? It's just the use of the word 'puring' (I presume it's a type for pouring), means lots and lots of whatever it is. If you wanted to imply just a little then a word like 'seeping' might be better.

I time warped your ass, biatch.

No, every classroom I have been in were dark, and only had light near the window. And I don't know about Pancake's school, but our family living class is huge and only has one window near the first kitchen.

*tries to fix ass*

No, every classroom I have been in were dark, and only had light near the window. And I don't know about Pancake's school, but our family living class is huge and only has one window near the first kitchen.

*tries to fix ass*I guess I just went to a better school than you then. :p

Got a crack in it?
TeeheeheeFor some reason I'm reminded of this quote. It bears no relevance at all, but I was reminded of it.

If you're the chairman of a football club, and cocaine abuse is going on, you're going to have to take a line on it. - Graham Spiers

No, every classroom I have been in were dark, and only had light near the window. And I don't know about Pancake's school, but our family living class is huge and only has one window near the first kitchen.

*tries to fix ass*

Yay! You got it! :p

getting it together would take same time and money

http://www.publishamerica.com/

Fraud or not, it is an idea. . .

My comics should be in the book. >_>

You are observant, aren't you :rolleyes:

That was kind of the point, man. ;)

Words fail me.

We all have our stupid days. I just have mine more often.

Pfft, you sound like the type of person would describe 'The Metamorphosis' as Kafka-esque.

The Squid and the Whale - good film. People should go see it. *nods*

That movie took place in my old neighborhood. :)