NationStates Jolt Archive

Just because I thought we needed some humor.

Subject: This is hilarious...because all Canadians live in Igloos

*************************************************

Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics,
these are some questions people from all over the world are asking.
Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International
Tourism Website. Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were
really asked!

Q:I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (England )
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q:Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q:I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto -can I follow the Railroad
tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada ? ( Sweden )
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. ( Italy )
A: Let's not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada ? Can you send me a list
of them in Toronto , Vancouver , Edmonton and Halifax ? ( England )
A: What, did your last slave die?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada ? ( USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .

Q: Which direction is North in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and
we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada ?( England )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night
in Vancouver and in Calgary , straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada ? ( Germany )
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you
sell it in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female
population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round?
( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is
illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada , but I forget its
name. It's a kind of a big horse with horns. ( USA )
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains
of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself
with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

*snipped for space*

nice

Lol.

Those people are all kinds of phail...

I think the original of this was about Australia - the Vienna Boys Choir joke makes more sense given the answer is something slong the lines of 'Austria is a small country south of Germany, Australia is...oh forget it...'

Brilliant. :D

From The Onion:

Perky "Canada" Has Own Government, Laws

It's Monday morning, and Toronto resident Steve Dorman shares a quick breakfast of "eggs" (a native food) with his "wife" (an officially state-sanctioned mate), and discusses yesterday's poor showing by the hometown team in "baseball" (a popular local sport). After a kiss on his wife's cheek, he hops on the "subway train" (a mode of subterranean transport) to the office.

This is life in exotic Canada City, the capital set deep in the heart of the mysterious land known as Canada (pronounced CAN-a-da).

Like his estimated 35,000 fellow countrymen, Dorman is proud to be a "Canadian." Located 120 miles north of Buffalo, NY, Canada is, according to Dorman, "a nation with a government and laws distinct from those of the United States." It also has a military, a system of taxation, and periodic free elections to select political leaders. It even has its own currency, says Dorman, various denominations of "dollars" that can be exchanged for the many products manufactured in Canada, including Canadian bacon and ice.

Canada City, Canada's largest community, is located in a place called a "province," a subdivision not unlike the cantons of Switzerland. There are 10 Canadian provinces in all, from Nova Scotia in the east to British Columbia in the west. And, much like America's states, nearly every one of the provinces has its own capital. But make no mistake -- there's nothing "provincial" about these provinces. Canada has both feet planted firmly in the 20th century.

"In fact, Canadians enjoy advancements such as refrigerated food, zippers and printing," notes Dorman, an "accountant" who goes to work wearing the comfortable trousers, dress shirt and necktie that form a traditional Canadian costume. "Our industries are large and varied, ranging from logging to automobile manufacturing."

Not too shabby for a nation that just 240 years ago had no electricity.

One area in which Canada certainly has the U.S. beat is languages. Canadians speak not only English, but also French. In fact, according to Prime Minister (roughly Canada's equivalent of a president) Jean Chrétien, "French is the primary language in some parts of the country, and English is in others. The national language question has divided our nation terribly, with Quebec even recently threatening to leave the union."

Canada has produced many prominent people who have gone on to great success in hockey. Among them is Colorado Avalanche goaltender Patrick Roy, who says hockey is the "national sport" of the Canadianers.

"It's in our blood, it's part of our heritage, and it brings people together," he says of the sport Canada picked up from America in the late '50s. So appreciative is Canada, it even has hockey teams called the "Oilers" and "Jets," named after its favorite American football teams.

Despite the language problem and other difficulties, at least one Canadianer is optimistic about his country's prospects in the new millennium.

"Canada will remain free, proud and strong in the new century," says Dorman, heading off for another day of what in Canada is known as "work." "Our nation will continue to be a beacon to those throughout the world who value liberty, dignity and human rights."

Aww, isn't that cute? At times like this, there's really only one thing left to say: Oh, Canada!


Did You Know...

...that Canada is known as the "Maple Leaf State"?
...that in Canadian Units, Canada is actually a larger land mass than the U.S.?
...that murder is illegal in Canada?
...that the province of Saskatchewan was mentioned in a song in The
Muppet Movie?
...that the North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA) also mentions
Canada in several clauses?
...that Canadians have evolved with a fully functioning pancreas?

I think the original of this was about Australia - the Vienna Boys Choir joke makes more sense given the answer is something slong the lines of 'Austria is a small country south of Germany, Australia is...oh forget it...'

Yes, it was originally about Australia.

I am certain i've read something like that before in a different context - particularly this one:


Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada ? Can you send me a list
of them in Toronto , Vancouver , Edmonton and Halifax ? ( England )

Yes, it was originally about Australia.

That's right...

i see people from VIC got the job about the originally taken care of so i just leave this behind as i go :D

That was one of the funniest things I've read in a while. I used to live on the Canadian border and spent much of my time in Canada. Hearing the stupid comments from tourists every summer was always the high point of my day.

I can't believe these are real questions! They're just so asinine! :eek:

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada ? ( USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .


I think he's saying Canadian women are fat.

Here's the original that I dug up:

Sydney 2000 Info Line

Here are some of the classic questions being asked of the Sydney Olympic Committee via their Web site, and some answers that may be appropriate.


* I hear that all Australian women are beautiful. Is that true and if so, can you send me pictures of the available ones? [Italy]
(Sure, there's only 8 million of them.)
* I want to go swimming at Bondi Beach on October 20th. Will I turn blue? [Germany]
(More likely brown, considering the effluent...)
* Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? [UK]
(Upwards, out of the ground, like the person who asked this question, who themselves will need watering if their IQ drops any lower...)
* Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? [USA]
(Depends on how much beer you've consumed...)
* I plan to take some day trips during the Olympics. Which direction should I drive - Perth to Darwin or Darwin to Perth - to avoid driving with the sun in my eyes? [Germany]
(Excellent question, considering that the Olympics are being held in Sydney.)
* I want to walk from Perth to Sydney for the Olympics - can I follow the railroad tracks? [Sweden]
(Sure, it's only seven thousand miles, so you'll need to have started about a year and a half ago to get there in time for the Games...)
* Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? [Sweden]
(And accomplish what?)
* It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. [Italy]
(I'm not touching this one...)
* My client wants to take a steel pooper-scooper into Australia. Will you let her in? [South Africa]
(Why? We do have toilet paper here...)
* Are there any ATMs in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? [UK]
(No, and we use shells for money too.)
* Where can I learn underwater welding in Australia? [Portugal]
(???)
* Do the camels in Australia have one hump or two? [UK]
(Depends if you get an ugly one or not...)
* Can I bring cutlery into Australia? [UK]
(Why bother? Use your fingers like the rest of us...)
* Do you have perfume in Australia? [France]
(No. Everybody stinks.)
* Do tents exist in Australia? [Germany]
(Yes, but only in sporting goods stores, peoples' garages, and most national parks...)
* Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? [France]
(Yes. At Christmas.)
* Can I drive to the Great Barrier Reef? [Germany]
(Sure, if your vehicle is amphibious.)
* Are there killer bees in Australia? [Germany]
(Not yet, but we'll see what we can do when you get here.)
* Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? [USA]
(What's this guy smoking, and where do I get some?)
* Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? [Germany]
(A blonde?)
* Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. [USA]
(Rattlesnakes? There is only serum for the Funnel Web and Red-Back Spiders. You will need to contend with White-Tail Spiders, Brown, Tiger and Red-Belly Black snakes, sharks, Red Kangaroos, Blue-ringed Octopuses and the 3am pub closing time/taxi change-over.)
* Which direction is North in Australia? [USA]
(Face North and you should be about right.)
* Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? [USA]
(Americans have long had considerable trouble distinguishing between Austria and Australia.)
* I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. [USA]
(Another blonde?)
* I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? [USA]
(From Liz Taylor, perhaps?)
* Are there places in Australia where you can make love outdoors? [Italy]
(Yes. Outdoors.)
* I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? [USA]
* Will I be able to speak English most places I go? [USA]
(Yes, except in America.)



Tsk tsk. Jokes don't become funny again if you recycle them. Even if it's been 7 years. :P

Here's the original that I dug up:

Sydney 2000 Info Line

Here are some of the classic questions being asked of the Sydney Olympic Committee via their Web site, and some answers that may be appropriate.


* I hear that all Australian women are beautiful. Is that true and if so, can you send me pictures of the available ones? [Italy]
(Sure, there's only 8 million of them.)
* I want to go swimming at Bondi Beach on October 20th. Will I turn blue? [Germany]
(More likely brown, considering the effluent...)
* Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? [UK]
(Upwards, out of the ground, like the person who asked this question, who themselves will need watering if their IQ drops any lower...)
* Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? [USA]
(Depends on how much beer you've consumed...)
* I plan to take some day trips during the Olympics. Which direction should I drive - Perth to Darwin or Darwin to Perth - to avoid driving with the sun in my eyes? [Germany]
(Excellent question, considering that the Olympics are being held in Sydney.)
* I want to walk from Perth to Sydney for the Olympics - can I follow the railroad tracks? [Sweden]
(Sure, it's only seven thousand miles, so you'll need to have started about a year and a half ago to get there in time for the Games...)
* Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? [Sweden]
(And accomplish what?)
* It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. [Italy]
(I'm not touching this one...)
* My client wants to take a steel pooper-scooper into Australia. Will you let her in? [South Africa]
(Why? We do have toilet paper here...)
* Are there any ATMs in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? [UK]
(No, and we use shells for money too.)
* Where can I learn underwater welding in Australia? [Portugal]
(???)
* Do the camels in Australia have one hump or two? [UK]
(Depends if you get an ugly one or not...)
* Can I bring cutlery into Australia? [UK]
(Why bother? Use your fingers like the rest of us...)
* Do you have perfume in Australia? [France]
(No. Everybody stinks.)
* Do tents exist in Australia? [Germany]
(Yes, but only in sporting goods stores, peoples' garages, and most national parks...)
* Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? [France]
(Yes. At Christmas.)
* Can I drive to the Great Barrier Reef? [Germany]
(Sure, if your vehicle is amphibious.)
* Are there killer bees in Australia? [Germany]
(Not yet, but we'll see what we can do when you get here.)
* Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? [USA]
(What's this guy smoking, and where do I get some?)
* Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? [Germany]
(A blonde?)
* Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. [USA]
(Rattlesnakes? There is only serum for the Funnel Web and Red-Back Spiders. You will need to contend with White-Tail Spiders, Brown, Tiger and Red-Belly Black snakes, sharks, Red Kangaroos, Blue-ringed Octopuses and the 3am pub closing time/taxi change-over.)
* Which direction is North in Australia? [USA]
(Face North and you should be about right.)
* Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? [USA]
(Americans have long had considerable trouble distinguishing between Austria and Australia.)
* I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. [USA]
(Another blonde?)
* I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? [USA]
(From Liz Taylor, perhaps?)
* Are there places in Australia where you can make love outdoors? [Italy]
(Yes. Outdoors.)
* I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? [USA]
* Will I be able to speak English most places I go? [USA]
(Yes, except in America.)



Tsk tsk. Jokes don't become funny again if you recycle them. Even if it's been 7 years. :P
Yup, that's the original (although the version I got by email ages ago had some different answers - I do remember the one to the "Austria/Australia" thing to be along the lines of the one in the OP). As has been said above, the Austria thing does make no sense whatsoever in a Canadian context.

Yup, that's the original (although the version I got by email ages ago had some different answers - I do remember the one to the "Austria/Australia" thing to be along the lines of the one in the OP). As has been said above, the Austria thing does make no sense whatsoever in a Canadian context.

Yeah, I recall the other version of the Australia one having different (funnier) answers as well, but those are the original questions.