NationStates Jolt Archive

Here's the low down...

In a few days it's my 24th birthday and while I don't give a flying rat's ass if my mother sends me a card, I would expect her to at least call me and wish me a happy birthday.

Yes, it seems rather simple, but we had a falling out and we haven't spoken since December 30th, when we left her house after Christmas. My boyfriend and I left a day early because she was being her usual vindictive insufferable bitchy self (meaning she would chew me out for something small then whine if I told my boyfriend what she sad, even though I knew fully well that she would immediately badmouth me in French to my godmother). No, this wasn't isolated, it was just one more nail in the coffin.

This would be the second time we haven't spoken to each other for months. The first time the cold-shoulder ended was because my dad forced me to reconcile with my mother. But, I am on my own now and my boyfriend who I live with doesn't think I should because he highly disapproves of how my mother treated me at Christmas.

So, my question is this, what would my daughter-related obligations to my mother be if she fails to acknowledge my birthday?

Here's the low down...

In a few days it's my 24th birthday and while I don't give a flying rat's ass if my mother sends me a card, I would expect her to at least call me and wish me a happy birthday.

Yes, it seems rather simple, but we had a falling out and we haven't spoken since December 30th, when we left her house after Christmas. My boyfriend and I left a day early because she was being her usual vindictive insufferable bitchy self (meaning she would chew me out for something small then whine if I told my boyfriend what she sad, even though I knew fully well that she would immediately badmouth me in French to my godmother). No, this wasn't isolated, it was just one more nail in the coffin.

This would be the second time we haven't spoken to each other for months. The first time the cold-shoulder ended was because my dad forced me to reconcile with my mother. But, I am on my own now and my boyfriend who I live with doesn't think I should because he highly disapproves of how my mother treated me at Christmas.

So, my question is this, what would my daughter-related obligations to my mother be if she fails to acknowledge my birthday?

Ignore hers in turn.
Family is overrated I think. I haven't spoken a word with my father in something over 10 years now. It was such a relief when my mother no longer forced me to go and see him, and I no longer got invitations from his side of the family for Sunday dinners and other horrors...

Uh, grow up and get over it. Hell I don't remember my own birthday most years. The silent treatment seems quite immature anyway. Though I suppose I can't talk, I haven't spoken to my father in several years.

Stop giving a shit what your mother thinks and does and avoid her at all costs. If this and you other threads on the matter are anything to go by then your life would be better without her in it.

Ignore hers in turn.
Family is overrated I think. I haven't spoken a word with my father in something over 10 years now. It was such a relief when my mother no longer forced me to go and see him, and I no longer got invitations from his side of the family for Sunday dinners and other horrors...

I made a decision not to call her, but, I am going to make her feel bad by still doing the right thing. But, I agree, I would ignore her anyway. I have to be careful though because my mother might try and demonise (sp?) me.

Uh, grow up and get over it. Hell I don't remember my own birthday most years. The silent treatment seems quite immature anyway. Though I suppose I can't talk, I haven't spoken to my father in several years.

I have grown up. By not speaking, I don't say something I'll regret. She thrives off attention. Anything to make her look like the victim works in her favour.

But, yes, if she doesn't, I don't plan to talk to her. Luckily for me she lives in another city.

Strangely, I'm on good terms with my father, who convinced me the first time to talk to her again after I walked out of her house.

The reason I was asking for advice is because I know what I want to do but I don't know if it would be the right thing in the end just because I'm afraid that it would jeopardize my relationship with family on my mother's side.

Stop giving a shit what your mother thinks and does and avoid her at all costs. If this and you other threads on the matter are anything to go by then your life would be better without her in it.

I realise that. But, I look at my friends who have good mothers and I feel... envious and it makes me sad.

You have a loving boyfriend who supports you, hence why care for a mother who evidently is not that interested?

If simply sending her to coventry does not appeal, then set out conditions upon which you will reconcile yourself with her, and stand by them.

Check your TGs please, Kryo.

Here's the low down...

In a few days it's my 24th birthday and while I don't give a flying rat's ass if my mother sends me a card, I would expect her to at least call me and wish me a happy birthday.

Yes, it seems rather simple, but we had a falling out and we haven't spoken since December 30th, when we left her house after Christmas. My boyfriend and I left a day early because she was being her usual vindictive insufferable bitchy self (meaning she would chew me out for something small then whine if I told my boyfriend what she sad, even though I knew fully well that she would immediately badmouth me in French to my godmother). No, this wasn't isolated, it was just one more nail in the coffin.

This would be the second time we haven't spoken to each other for months. The first time the cold-shoulder ended was because my dad forced me to reconcile with my mother. But, I am on my own now and my boyfriend who I live with doesn't think I should because he highly disapproves of how my mother treated me at Christmas.

So, my question is this, what would my daughter-related obligations to my mother be if she fails to acknowledge my birthday?

There's no nice way to say it but i'll just say it. You are one sad immature girl. You mother has cared for you since you we're born and is she is abitch then she's a bitch but she's still ur mother. So get over it apologise ant TALK about it come on.

There's no nice way to say it but i'll just say it. You are one sad immature girl. You mother has cared for you since you we're born and is she is abitch then she's a bitch but she's still ur mother. So get over it apologise ant TALK about it come on.I think you're the sad, immature one. People don't choose their families & some people just can't get along no matter what they try. You know fuck-all about the situation, so who are you to judge?

Kryozerkia if you can't resolve your differences somehow, try politely cutting her out of your life. Don't talk about anything that can possibly cause offence. When she offends, just ignore her existence.

I don't know exactly how child-parent dynamics works, but polite indifference works well with outher people you can't readily avoid & can't simply haul outside. Does for me anyway. She'll catch on quick, but it's an unassailable approach, so it makes no difference. I have no idea what what'd be constructive if you actually want to have anything to do with her.

I realise that. But, I look at my friends who have good mothers and I feel... envious and it makes me sad.

Adopt a new mother figure. An aunt perhaps.

Try to talk to her about it. Let her know how you feel. Be the bigger person in this.

I realise that. But, I look at my friends who have good mothers and I feel... envious and it makes me sad.

If she thrives off attention and drama, cut her off. I think family is highly overrated anyway.

I have two grown children. That said, I believe that it is the responsibility of the parent to take the lead in maintaining the relationship - when the children are minors. When the children are adults, the responsibility is equal on both sides (this doesn't mean you keep score).

What you've said indicates that your mother is no longer (if she ever was) the adult in your relationship (of course, I understand that I'm only seeing your perspective), so you have to be.

You might ask yourself this; A few years from now, she'll be dead. Do I want to bury her with the knowledge that we didn't have a relationship because I was proud and angry or do I want to bury her knowing that I did everything I could to maintain the relationship?

In the final analysis, you have to listen to yourself, not boyfriends, siblings, fathers or friends. You know what's right.

The nuts and bolts may not be so easy to determine, but you might have a small get-together to celebrate your birthday, inviting your family. If your mother chooses to come, then offer her food and drink and act like nothing happened. If she chooses to say something about the difficulty then, say something like "We're having too good a time to discuss this now, why don't we get together for coffee at (some quiet neutral place) and discuss it later this week." Firmly but politely refuse to be drawn into a confrontation.

If she chooses not to come, tell someone (your father?) that you're sorry she couldn't make it (don't be accusing) and that you hope that she feels better (make the assumption she's ill). Give her several opportunities, but don't permit a scene.

I know it's difficult to deal with a confrontational, angry, spoiled person, but if the person is a close relative, like a mother, you have to try.

I have had a difficult relationship with my mother. I am currently in a difficult relationship with my daughter (strangely, my relationship with my son is easy), so I understand, somewhat, your situation.

There's no nice way to say it but i'll just say it. You are one sad immature girl. You mother has cared for you since you we're born and is she is abitch then she's a bitch but she's still ur mother. So get over it apologise ant TALK about it come on.

If you read my other responses you'd realise I want to have a good relationship, but, she is a hard person to deal with at times because of the way she acts. I had previously attempted a reconciliation, but in the end, it fell through because of a small spat that shouldn't of escalated, but did because she threatened me with physical violence, after I told her that she didn't need to smack me on the arm to get my attention. I realise that I just added the later to the spiel of information, but still, there would have been a nicer way for you to say that.

I think you're the sad, immature one. People don't choose their families & some people just can't get along no matter what they try. You know fuck-all about the situation, so who are you to judge?

Kryozerkia if you can't resolve your differences somehow, try politely cutting her out of your life. Don't talk about anything that can possibly cause offence. When she offends, just ignore her existence.

I don't know exactly how child-parent dynamics works, but polite indifference works well with outher people you can't readily avoid & can't simply haul outside. Does for me anyway. She'll catch on quick, but it's an unassailable approach, so it makes no difference. I have no idea what what'd be constructive if you actually want to have anything to do with her.

I tried the restrictions before, but not polite indifference. I guess I could try that. At least then it would reduce the stress the relationship I have with my mother may place on the rest of the family, since we're close to my god mother, aunt (my mother's sister) and my cousin (my aunt's daughter).

It would be a good idea. I'll try it if she doesn't call me on my birthday.

I feel I should just because I am the only child.

Adopt a new mother figure. An aunt perhaps.

I have sort of done that with my future mother-in-law. She has been more of a mother to me in the last three and a half years than my mother was in my later teen years.

I have two grown children. That said, I believe that it is the responsibility of the parent to take the lead in maintaining the relationship - when the children are minors. When the children are adults, the responsibility is equal on both sides (this doesn't mean you keep score).

What you've said indicates that your mother is no longer (if she ever was) the adult in your relationship (of course, I understand that I'm only seeing your perspective), so you have to be.

You might ask yourself this; A few years from now, she'll be dead. Do I want to bury her with the knowledge that we didn't have a relationship because I was proud and angry or do I want to bury her knowing that I did everything I could to maintain the relationship?

In the final analysis, you have to listen to yourself, not boyfriends, siblings, fathers or friends. You know what's right.

The nuts and bolts may not be so easy to determine, but you might have a small get-together to celebrate your birthday, inviting your family. If your mother chooses to come, then offer her food and drink and act like nothing happened. If she chooses to say something about the difficulty then, say something like "We're having too good a time to discuss this now, why don't we get together for coffee at (some quiet neutral place) and discuss it later this week." Firmly but politely refuse to be drawn into a confrontation.

If she chooses not to come, tell someone (your father?) that you're sorry she couldn't make it (don't be accusing) and that you hope that she feels better (make the assumption she's ill). Give her several opportunities, but don't permit a scene.

I know it's difficult to deal with a confrontational, angry, spoiled person, but if the person is a close relative, like a mother, you have to try.

I have had a difficult relationship with my mother. I am currently in a difficult relationship with my daughter (strangely, my relationship with my son is easy), so I understand, somewhat, your situation.

Yes, relationship reconciliation is a two way street with adults, even if they are parent and child. I agree with you on that. But, it is sometimes difficult when someone wants to be petty and when the two parties involve have sharp tempers.

I am not really doing anything for my birthday except spending it with my dad (my parents are divorced) and my boyfriend and his family. Having my mother over would be difficult because she lives in eastern Ontario and I'm in southern Ontario around the GTA. There is more than 4 hours difference between us by car.

One would think that the greater distance would make the heart grow fonder, but, I find it does add to the stress, and it doesn't help much.

Our only real means of communication, since she doesn't much care for computers is the telephone and I have a very limited cellphone plan because I don't have much use for a phone with all my friends and my dad having email accounts and their own computers.

I would get my father involved except he hates my mother. They divorced when I was 7 years old. I'm now turning 24 in a few days.

What are you doing to make the relationship smoother? I realise that in the end, it comes down to personal choices and what one thinks is best, but, I'm curious to know what you're trying because maybe I could try something new.

Here's the low down...

In a few days it's my 24th birthday and while I don't give a flying rat's ass if my mother sends me a card, I would expect her to at least call me and wish me a happy birthday.

Yes, it seems rather simple, but we had a falling out and we haven't spoken since December 30th, when we left her house after Christmas. My boyfriend and I left a day early because she was being her usual vindictive insufferable bitchy self (meaning she would chew me out for something small then whine if I told my boyfriend what she sad, even though I knew fully well that she would immediately badmouth me in French to my godmother). No, this wasn't isolated, it was just one more nail in the coffin.

This would be the second time we haven't spoken to each other for months. The first time the cold-shoulder ended was because my dad forced me to reconcile with my mother. But, I am on my own now and my boyfriend who I live with doesn't think I should because he highly disapproves of how my mother treated me at Christmas.

So, my question is this, what would my daughter-related obligations to my mother be if she fails to acknowledge my birthday?
Threaten her with suicide.

I have a couple thoughts, because I've occasionally had issues like that with my dad.

Firstly, your boyfriend should be there for you to vent to, but it's not apropriate for him to tell you what to do. If you ask for advice, he should offer it, but that's it. This is basically between you and your mom.

Second, remember always that your mom loves you. She may be petty, mean, self-centered and all that, but she does love you. That means that deep down she wants to be able to communicate with you, which happily is the same goal you have.

The problem on both sides is pride. That's normal enough. Lots of people let pride get involved. You want her to acknowledge you as a fellow adult. She apparently has failed to do so. She wants you to acknowledge her as your parent. Also normal enough, every mom does. Obviously, on some level both of you feel the other has failed to do this.

You are indeed probably the one more emotionally equipped to handle this one properly. Whetever is emotionally holding her back isn't going to change now. I presume she's not a very young woman. That leaves it to you to somehow work around that. It isn't easy but worth it, and once you gain that perspective it will get easier.

I'd suggest writing a letter. Make the letter warm and fuzzy, tell her you miss her. Tell her you love her. Tell her you would like to call her in a week or so and see how she's doing. If there's time before your birthday for you to write it and for her to receive it, then she will probably call you on that day.

If there isn't time, then try not to worry about the birthday thing. It only creates a distraction. She may very well fail to call you as a way to try and communicate to you that she feels hurt and upset. You're trying to rebuild a relationship so take it for what it is. Write the letter anyway and forget the birthday phonecall.

Our parents sometimes have a very weird way of expressing themselves, especially when they're from other cultures. (My dad is from South America.) What makes perfect sense to them might be utterly meaningelss to us, and vice versa. Benefit of the doubt can go a long way but even if your mom really is just mean, it's still worth a try. If it weren't, you wouldn't have posted about it. ;)

What are you doing to make the relationship smoother? I realise that in the end, it comes down to personal choices and what one thinks is best, but, I'm curious to know what you're trying because maybe I could try something new.

I wish I could say the things I try were working well, but I think the only way my relationship with my daughter will improve is for her to get her own place (she's staying with me while she completes her Masters degree). I'm a very laid-back (some would say to the point of being comatose), non-confrontational, stubborn, lazy sort of person. She's very hyper, judgemental, somewhat self-involved and emotional. It's not a good mix. I just try to choose my battles - this means having a careful judgement on what really is important to me and realizing that being right isn't always the most important thing in life.

Threaten her with suicide.

That for some reason doesn't seem compliant with my personality, and it is very random.

I have a couple thoughts, because I've occasionally had issues like that with my dad.

Firstly, your boyfriend should be there for you to vent to, but it's not apropriate for him to tell you what to do. If you ask for advice, he should offer it, but that's it. This is basically between you and your mom.

Second, remember always that your mom loves you. She may be petty, mean, self-centered and all that, but she does love you. That means that deep down she wants to be able to communicate with you, which happily is the same goal you have.

The problem on both sides is pride. That's normal enough. Lots of people let pride get involved. You want her to acknowledge you as a fellow adult. She apparently has failed to do so. She wants you to acknowledge her as your parent. Also normal enough, every mom does. Obviously, on some level both of you feel the other has failed to do this.

You are indeed probably the one more emotionally equipped to handle this one properly. Whetever is emotionally holding her back isn't going to change now. I presume she's not a very young woman. That leaves it to you to somehow work around that. It isn't easy but worth it, and once you gain that perspective it will get easier.

I'd suggest writing a letter. Make the letter warm and fuzzy, tell her you miss her. Tell her you love her. Tell her you would like to call her in a week or so and see how she's doing. If there's time before your birthday for you to write it and for her to receive it, then she will probably call you on that day.

If there isn't time, then try not to worry about the birthday thing. It only creates a distraction. She may very well fail to call you as a way to try and communicate to you that she feels hurt and upset. You're trying to rebuild a relationship so take it for what it is. Write the letter anyway and forget the birthday phonecall.

Our parents sometimes have a very weird way of expressing themselves, especially when they're from other cultures. (My dad is from South America.) What makes perfect sense to them might be utterly meaningelss to us, and vice versa. Benefit of the doubt can go a long way but even if your mom really is just mean, it's still worth a try. If it weren't, you wouldn't have posted about it. ;)

I don't think the postal system is reliable for delivering mail quickly some days here.

The letter is a good idea. But, I can't do warm and fuzzy; I can do civil and courteous.

As for my boyfriend being involved, well... he was there when the last incident happened and he didn't like how she reacted to me. Plus, him and I are going to get married in the future and I know he doesn't want our future children to be around her if she was to say such things to me again. That's why he's involved.

Yes, the benefit of the doubt does help.

I think there is a generational thing involved and a lot personality clash issues. I'm very stubborn, but so were both of my parents, a constant battle for power.

And I think I'll see how I feel when my birthday comes. If I'm in high spirits, I'll write the letter even if she doesn't call me.

I had only asked because my mother used to make a big deal if someone forgot her birthday or if I sent the card late. I just want to know if my reaction is right if I feel it's civil to at least wish your immediate family happy birthday (I know this doesn't apply in some cultures and religions, but, I'm in one of those families where it does matter).

That for some reason doesn't seem compliant with my personality, and it is very random.
Just threaten with it.

Just threaten with it.

I'm turning 24, not 14.

you want to have a good relationship with your mother the way other grown daughters have with their mothers. anyone would.

you cant. the problem is that its not you, its her. she is what she is and she isnt going to change.

you still want a good relationship with your mother. so what to do?

you have to manage your relationship with her. pretend that she isnt giving you the silent treatment. if you want to call her on your birthday, call her. be nice. if she is mean to you say good bye nicely and hang up--dont listen to any abuse from her. send her a card on mothers day and on her birthday. call her if you want to. but take NO abuse from her.

if she warms up some and you want to go visit her in person (not necessary to do unless you really want to) dont stay overnight at her house. stay in a motel. dont be trapped in any situation with her, when she gets out of line, leave.

make it a rule to remove yourself from her company (on phone or in person) before she actually makes you angry. when she seems to be getting pissy, make your retreat. that way you can keep a better attitude about her. if you wait until she start saying terrible things about you or your boyfriend, you wont be able to be gracious.

try to treat her the way other grown daughters treat their (distant) mothers. send her cards, call her once a month even if only for 10 minutes, visit her once a year or once every other year. that is enough. that way you will never feel as if you abandoned your mother. you will have done your best and any bad feelings will have been her fault not yours.

*Snip*

That is the most rational thing I've ever heard on NSG. That's very good, I like that, I like that a lot.

I'm turning 24, not 14.
So? Suicide is only something for kids?

Here's the low down...

In a few days it's my 24th birthday and while I don't give a flying rat's ass if my mother sends me a card, I would expect her to at least call me and wish me a happy birthday.

Yes, it seems rather simple, but we had a falling out and we haven't spoken since December 30th, when we left her house after Christmas. My boyfriend and I left a day early because she was being her usual vindictive insufferable bitchy self (meaning she would chew me out for something small then whine if I told my boyfriend what she sad, even though I knew fully well that she would immediately badmouth me in French to my godmother). No, this wasn't isolated, it was just one more nail in the coffin.

This would be the second time we haven't spoken to each other for months. The first time the cold-shoulder ended was because my dad forced me to reconcile with my mother. But, I am on my own now and my boyfriend who I live with doesn't think I should because he highly disapproves of how my mother treated me at Christmas.

So, my question is this, what would my daughter-related obligations to my mother be if she fails to acknowledge my birthday?

Completely ignore her.