NationStates Jolt Archive

I don't usually read the horoscopes, but they were on the same page as sudoku, so my eyes wandered. Normally I'd say that horoscopes are stupid because they expect you to believe that one in every twelve people will have the same day, thats half a billion people(unless I'm stupid(which I may be)). These horoscopes were far, far more stupid. Here's the general gist of them:
Pisces
Big changes are coming in your love life, so don't do anything drastic. Especially not today.
Aries
If you're under the duvet munching biscuits, congratulate yourself on achieving exactly what this day is perfect for.
Tarus
If you put your back into anything today it will all have come to naught by the morning. Stick to chocolate.
Gemini
You might have a lot to do, but today is for tihnking, not doing.
Cancer
Today is a day for dawdling(or lollygagging, as the Yanks apparently say). Nothing will come of anything you try to get done today, so don't bother.
Leo
Today is perfect for re-thinking, just don't do anything about it yet.
Virgo
Your efforts are best spent clearing a backlog of work rather than starting something new. Putter through your in-tray and arrange your pens according to colour. That's it.
Libra
No matter your plans for today, you can be safe in the knowledge that you're better off leaving it till tomorrow.
Sagittarius
The best way to spend the day is pootling[sic] about in the kitchen in your Doris Day apron, baking and eating the results.
Capricorn
If ever there was a day to do nothing, this is it. If you must work, clear up loose ends on old projects. Don't start new ones.
Aquarius(That's me)
You may be inspired to tackle something big but, for God's sake, don't start it today.

Notice a pattern there? Yup, it seems the entire world would be better off doing nothing today. So don't even pretend to work. Go home, plant yourself in front of the computer, or the tv or just go to bed and have lazy sex with your SO. But don't even try to do any real work.

Ok, I'll do just that then.

Aquarius- You may be inspired to tackle something big but, for God's sake, don't start it today.

OK, gotcha.

The hippo dies tomorrow then!

Ok, I'll do just that then.

You definately should. Grab a Metro from one of those people in blue on the way, to thank them for getting you off work.

Nah... I'm too lazy.
I'll do it tomorrow.

I'm doing journalism at uni, and one of my lecturers told us a story once about when something happened and they didn't get faxed the hororscopes they had to run the next day, so they got some work experience kid to write them up lol.

all horroscopes are fail.
QFT

They look like good horoscopes to me.

Mine (Gemini) is proving surprisingly accurate so far.

no Scorpio?

And horoscopes tell people roughly what they want to hear which is good I guess

all horroscopes are fail.

I'm doing journalism at uni, and one of my lecturers told us a story once about when something happened and they didn't get faxed the hororscopes they had to run the next day, so they got some work experience kid to write them up lol.

Haha, another one: One day on a local radio station they didn't get around to the horoscopes, and someone called up to complain that without them they couldn't go about their day. Despite said radio station admitting to just making them up.

Terry Wogan has good horoscopes on a Monday, in the unlikely event that I'm up early enough to hear them.

Sagittarius
The best way to spend the day is pootling[sic] about in the kitchen in your Doris Day apron, baking and eating the results.


Um right ok

Gemini
You might have a lot to do, but today is for tihnking, not doing.

thinking was yesterday, todays horoscope says go kick some butt

I'm doing journalism at uni, and one of my lecturers told us a story once about when something happened and they didn't get faxed the hororscopes they had to run the next day, so they got some work experience kid to write them up lol.
It'd probably be cheaper to fire the mystic and just get everyone in the office to contribute a little bit to them.
no Scorpio?

And horoscopes tell people roughly what they want to hear which is good I guess

Bugger.
Scorpio
Every now and again there's a day where nothing much happens. Today is one such day.

I don't usually read the horoscopes, but they were on the same page as sudoku, so my eyes wandered. Normally I'd say that horoscopes are stupid because they expect you to believe that one in every twelve people will have the same day, thats half a billion people(unless I'm stupid(which I may be)). These horoscopes were far, far more stupid. Here's the general gist of them:
Pisces
Big changes are coming in your love life, so don't do anything drastic. Especially not today.
Aries
If you're under the duvet munching biscuits, congratulate yourself on achieving exactly what this day is perfect for.
Tarus
If you put your back into anything today it will all have come to naught by the morning. Stick to chocolate.
Gemini
You might have a lot to do, but today is for tihnking, not doing.
Cancer
Today is a day for dawdling(or lollygagging, as the Yanks apparently say). Nothing will come of anything you try to get done today, so don't bother.
Leo
Today is perfect for re-thinking, just don't do anything about it yet.
Virgo
Your efforts are best spent clearing a backlog of work rather than starting something new. Putter through your in-tray and arrange your pens according to colour. That's it.
Libra
No matter your plans for today, you can be safe in the knowledge that you're better off leaving it till tomorrow.
Sagittarius
The best way to spend the day is pootling[sic] about in the kitchen in your Doris Day apron, baking and eating the results.
Capricorn
If ever there was a day to do nothing, this is it. If you must work, clear up loose ends on old projects. Don't start new ones.
Aquarius(That's me)
You may be inspired to tackle something big but, for God's sake, don't start it today.

Notice a pattern there? Yup, it seems the entire world would be better off doing nothing today. So don't even pretend to work. Go home, plant yourself in front of the computer, or the tv or just go to bed and have lazy sex with your SO. But don't even try to do any real work.

That's got to be a joke. Every horoscope is baisicly "be a lazy bastard."

Reminds me of the joke horoscopes that used to be syndicated in the Village Voice.

That's got to be a joke. Every horoscope is baisicly "be a lazy bastard."

Reminds me of the joke horoscopes that used to be syndicated in the Village Voice.

Maybe today is a big day for whatever planet has something to do with being lazy. Or however horoscopes are meant to work.

Being on the cusp, it's always hilarious when my sun sign forecasts directly contradict eachother.

Sagittarius
The best way to spend the day is pootling[sic] about in the kitchen in your Doris Day apron, baking and eating the results.
Capricorn
If ever there was a day to do nothing, this is it. If you must work, clear up loose ends on old projects. Don't start new ones.

btw, do you know how they make up horoscopes? (well, how you are "supposed" to)


you look and see where each sign is "passing" (which actually they don't move) and then decide what that means.......mercury rising? that could be fun..... uranus leaving, you have a problem.

I don't usually read the horoscopes, but they were on the same page as sudoku, so my eyes wandered. Normally I'd say that horoscopes are stupid because they expect you to believe that one in every twelve people will have the same day, thats half a billion people(unless I'm stupid(which I may be)). These horoscopes were far, far more stupid. Here's the general gist of them:
Pisces
Big changes are coming in your love life, so don't do anything drastic. Especially not today.
Aries
If you're under the duvet munching biscuits, congratulate yourself on achieving exactly what this day is perfect for.
Tarus
If you put your back into anything today it will all have come to naught by the morning. Stick to chocolate.
Gemini
You might have a lot to do, but today is for tihnking, not doing.
Cancer
Today is a day for dawdling(or lollygagging, as the Yanks apparently say). Nothing will come of anything you try to get done today, so don't bother.
Leo
Today is perfect for re-thinking, just don't do anything about it yet.
Virgo
Your efforts are best spent clearing a backlog of work rather than starting something new. Putter through your in-tray and arrange your pens according to colour. That's it.
Libra
No matter your plans for today, you can be safe in the knowledge that you're better off leaving it till tomorrow.
Sagittarius
The best way to spend the day is pootling[sic] about in the kitchen in your Doris Day apron, baking and eating the results.
Capricorn
If ever there was a day to do nothing, this is it. If you must work, clear up loose ends on old projects. Don't start new ones.
Aquarius(That's me)
You may be inspired to tackle something big but, for God's sake, don't start it today.

Notice a pattern there? Yup, it seems the entire world would be better off doing nothing today. So don't even pretend to work. Go home, plant yourself in front of the computer, or the tv or just go to bed and have lazy sex with your SO. But don't even try to do any real work.

Don't put off till tomorrow what can be done today - Some person.

Don't put off till tomorrow what can be done today - Some person.

don't do today what can be put off until tomorrow:cool:

That's got to be a joke. Every horoscope is baisicly "be a lazy bastard."
Thats why horoscopes are so fail.

Aquarius(That's me)
You may be inspired to tackle something big but, for God's sake, don't start it today.


Aquariuses unite!

Aquariuses unite!

Aquarius power! Woo!

Thats why horoscopes are so fail.

Sounds like excellent advice to me:)

[QUOTE=Ifreann;12374685]r.
Tarus
If you put your back into anything today it will all have come to naught by the morning. Stick to chocolate.

This works!

Hey, some horoscopes are awesome. Like the one that goes "Sagittarius: All your friends are laughing behind your back. KILL THEM." That one rules.

I clipped out the best horoscope I ever got and it's on my wall.

Scorpio - You know, Scorpio, you're so awesome that you don't even have to try anything new. Really. In fact, you don't have to do anything strenuous at all. Lie in bed all day and watch television. Or sleep and dream about koalas in party hats. It will be the best year ever.

(this was the first horoscope in January out of my school's newspaper)

I prefer the Onion's horoscopes (http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/feb-20-2007):

Aries March 21 - April 19
You will soon meet the greatest love of your life, which, unfortunately, has less to do with the quality of the former than the brevity of the latter.

Taurus April 20 - May 20
While you admit you've made some mistakes in the past, the clockwork regularity and strangely detached manner in which you do so is really starting to freak people out.

Gemini May 21 - June 21
You will reach for the stars this week, once again proving your complete inability to accurately judge distances.

Cancer June 22 - July 22
The stakes will be raised this Thursday, moments before being repeatedly plunged by frightened townspeople into your chest.

Leo July 23 - August 22
You will awake feeling relatively refreshed and comparatively invigorated after deciding to cry yourself to sleep at a more reasonable hour tonight.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
What starts as a desperate attempt to finally regain control of your life will soon end as a desperate attempt to finally regain control of your life.

Libra September 23 - October 23
Your mother claims she never raised a liar for a son, but then what else do you expect from a lizard-human hybrid born out of a top-secret genetic-manipulation project gone terribly awry?

Scorpio October 24 - November 21
There's a time and a place for everything, as you'll soon discover after falling into the rhinoceros pit during mating season.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Your inquisitive nature will soon see you demanding answers to a series of questions ranging from "Huh?" to "Who the—?" and "Whazzat?

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Growing up, you always believed the house across the street belonged to an evil witch, but now that you're older, you realize that she was in fact only renting it.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will be saddened to learn that, in your case, mixing business with pleasure involves filling out the same quarterly spreadsheet report.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
Fortune will smile upon you this week, only it'll do so in that shitty, passive-aggressive way Fortune has of smiling—you know the kind where you can tell it's just being polite, but that, really, it doesn't give a damn about how you're actually doing. Ugh, seriously, fuck Fortune.

Actually this:

Virgo: Your efforts are best spent clearing a backlog of work rather than starting something new.

and this:
What starts as a desperate attempt to finally regain control of your life will soon end as a desperate attempt to finally regain control of your life.


fit quite well together for me today. :(

Aquarius(That's me)
You may be inspired to tackle something big but, for God's sake, don't start it today.

:eek: that's me too :eek: what a coincidence

and i don't need a horoscope to tell me not to do stuff, i'm lazy by nature

Tarus
If you put your back into anything today it will all have come to naught by the morning. Stick to chocolate.

Sounds like a plan. This may be one horoscope I wanna listen to! :p

shit! and i spent the entire day in the library doing research for my next essay. though if horoscopes said this sort of thing more often i might give them more credence.

I like "weird" Al's horoscopes.

Aquarius
There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus
Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day

Pisces
Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus
You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say

Aries
The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound watermelon in your colon
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep

Taurus
You will never find true happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it?
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today

Gemini
Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence
Your love life will run into trouble when your fiance hurls a javelin through your chest

Cancer
The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test

Leo
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's face, oh no
Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik

Virgo
All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you
Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled on a stick

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today

Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely
that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have
a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you,
but let me give you my assurance that these forcasts and predictions
are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have
to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of the is absolutely true.

Where was I?

Libra
A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented that you
Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week

Scorpio
Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window
Work a little harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak

Sagittarius
All your friends are laughing behind your back (kill them)
Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in your den

Capricorn
The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person, but you know they're lying
If I were you, I's lock my doors and windows and never never never never never leave my house again

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (yay yay yay yay yay)
That's your horoscope for today

Well they have to be somewhat right, I mean I ussually am out doing something extreme every single day. Save for today. Now that I've said that a train is probably going to crash into my house.

all horroscopes are fail.

What does that mean?? that's not English. Is this some sort of new language meme?

Tarus Stick to chocolate.
:eek: :)

This works!
Sounds like a plan. This may be one horoscope I wanna listen to! :p
I'd say! I really don't see how this is "made of fail". Sheesh.

I don't own an apron..

And what, Scorpios just don't exist, or something?

The Aquarius one seems pretty spot on for me today, I was planing on starting a paper for midterms today, instead I'm messing around here.

And what, Scorpios just don't exist, or something?
I felt burned, too. Then I realized that I don't believe in horoscopes and felt better. :D