Cluichstan
14-02-2007, 21:02
I wrote this about 15 years ago for my uni's humour mag. Now, before anyone gets all "OMGooses! He's advocating beating women!", it's all in jest.
A Misogynist Proposal
Ah, Valentine’s Day -- the day of the year when men do one of two things. Those without women generally find themselves sitting at a bar somewhere, staring into a beer (or if it’s been a really long time since they’ve been with a woman, a whiskey straight up). Of course, some men have women who sap their energy and take their valuable time. They will, unfortunately for them, be spending this most vile day of the year with their significant others instead of a drink, or a good buddy like me and a drink. It is to these pitiable, slobbering, weakened souls that this piece is directed. However, if you’re already planning on a date with a bottle, don’t stop reading here. You never know when you, too, may find yourself in the pathetic situation of dating someone or even (oh, the horror of it all!) the “m”-word.
Fools all over the world will be celebrating this horrid holiday with that “special someone” in a place they will remember as “their spot” until it all ends badly, listening to “their song” until the tune turns sour, as it always does. Then all they’ll be left with are painful memories and hatred. OOOH! THE HATRED...
Oops! Sorry. I got off track there for a second. Anyway, who came up with such a repulsive concept as Valentine’s Day? Who knows? Oddly enough, though, Valentine’s Day has some rather surprising origins. In addition to the obvious relation to the Christian saint to whom the day owes its name (and for you women reading this, that would be Saint Valentine), some have linked Valentine’s Day to the ancient Roman festival of Lupercalia. Celebrated on February 15, Lupercalia served to protect the Romans from wolves (at least, that’s what they thought), and following the Roman conquest of Britain in 43 AD, the Britons borrowed many of the Roman festivals. Thus, many have seen a connection between the modern celebration of Valentine’s Day and the fertility ritual included in the Lupercalia festival. You see, during the celebration of Lupercalia, the young men of the village struck the women with animal hides in the belief that this whipping made the women more fertile. (No, I’m really not making this up.)
Now here’s an idea! How about replacing our nauseating celebration of Valentine’s Day with a nice public flogging of all the women? While it may not necessarily make them more fertile (and, you never know, it just might work), it would only be fair. All year round we men put up with the same torment. Men should at least have one day a year on which we can give some back. Of course, I’d prefer this to be permitted every day of the year, but I’ll settle for just one day. That’s not too much to ask for the hell women put us through everyday.
Hell, you ask? How else could you describe being forced to deal with women on a regular basis? If you disagree, allow me to explain, or at least refresh your memory a little bit. Those of you poor, confused, pathetic wretches that are involved with one of these evil creatures have probably realised their wicked nature before, but may have since forgotten how truly rotten they are. You see, this is the power they possess -- the gift of “whipping.” While this ability cannot make men overlook the misery created by women in general, it often deludes him into believing that his woman is different, that she isn’t like other women. WRONG! All women are the same -- EVIL!
Allow me to illustate. How many of you men have heard a woman say: “You’re too good of a friend for me to date?” How much sense does this make? Basically, what this means is that you’re too nice of a guy for her to sleep with you. Huh? Where’s the logic here? Does this mean she’ll only consider sleeping with you if you start treating her like last week’s luncheon meat (which is probably still in your refrigerator, growing mold so you can save money on antibiotics when you get sick)? That would be the logical conclusion.
However, while logic forms the basis of all male thought, it has no place in a woman’s. Logic is simply beyond a woman’s understanding, and since logic and reason drive men’s thinking, a woman’s inability to operate on the same level turns our lives into a living hell.
So let’s bring back the fertility rite of Lupercalia. Sure, it may not make the women more fertile, but it may whip some sense into them, while at the same time paying them back for psychologically “whipping” our fellow men. Hell, even if it doesn’t work, it would at least be a lot of fun.
But this is all really just a dream of mine. We’d all be better off spending Valentine’s Day with a fifth of whiskey. Like a woman, whiskey has a bite, but at least it doesn’t have the bark.
A Misogynist Proposal
Ah, Valentine’s Day -- the day of the year when men do one of two things. Those without women generally find themselves sitting at a bar somewhere, staring into a beer (or if it’s been a really long time since they’ve been with a woman, a whiskey straight up). Of course, some men have women who sap their energy and take their valuable time. They will, unfortunately for them, be spending this most vile day of the year with their significant others instead of a drink, or a good buddy like me and a drink. It is to these pitiable, slobbering, weakened souls that this piece is directed. However, if you’re already planning on a date with a bottle, don’t stop reading here. You never know when you, too, may find yourself in the pathetic situation of dating someone or even (oh, the horror of it all!) the “m”-word.
Fools all over the world will be celebrating this horrid holiday with that “special someone” in a place they will remember as “their spot” until it all ends badly, listening to “their song” until the tune turns sour, as it always does. Then all they’ll be left with are painful memories and hatred. OOOH! THE HATRED...
Oops! Sorry. I got off track there for a second. Anyway, who came up with such a repulsive concept as Valentine’s Day? Who knows? Oddly enough, though, Valentine’s Day has some rather surprising origins. In addition to the obvious relation to the Christian saint to whom the day owes its name (and for you women reading this, that would be Saint Valentine), some have linked Valentine’s Day to the ancient Roman festival of Lupercalia. Celebrated on February 15, Lupercalia served to protect the Romans from wolves (at least, that’s what they thought), and following the Roman conquest of Britain in 43 AD, the Britons borrowed many of the Roman festivals. Thus, many have seen a connection between the modern celebration of Valentine’s Day and the fertility ritual included in the Lupercalia festival. You see, during the celebration of Lupercalia, the young men of the village struck the women with animal hides in the belief that this whipping made the women more fertile. (No, I’m really not making this up.)
Now here’s an idea! How about replacing our nauseating celebration of Valentine’s Day with a nice public flogging of all the women? While it may not necessarily make them more fertile (and, you never know, it just might work), it would only be fair. All year round we men put up with the same torment. Men should at least have one day a year on which we can give some back. Of course, I’d prefer this to be permitted every day of the year, but I’ll settle for just one day. That’s not too much to ask for the hell women put us through everyday.
Hell, you ask? How else could you describe being forced to deal with women on a regular basis? If you disagree, allow me to explain, or at least refresh your memory a little bit. Those of you poor, confused, pathetic wretches that are involved with one of these evil creatures have probably realised their wicked nature before, but may have since forgotten how truly rotten they are. You see, this is the power they possess -- the gift of “whipping.” While this ability cannot make men overlook the misery created by women in general, it often deludes him into believing that his woman is different, that she isn’t like other women. WRONG! All women are the same -- EVIL!
Allow me to illustate. How many of you men have heard a woman say: “You’re too good of a friend for me to date?” How much sense does this make? Basically, what this means is that you’re too nice of a guy for her to sleep with you. Huh? Where’s the logic here? Does this mean she’ll only consider sleeping with you if you start treating her like last week’s luncheon meat (which is probably still in your refrigerator, growing mold so you can save money on antibiotics when you get sick)? That would be the logical conclusion.
However, while logic forms the basis of all male thought, it has no place in a woman’s. Logic is simply beyond a woman’s understanding, and since logic and reason drive men’s thinking, a woman’s inability to operate on the same level turns our lives into a living hell.
So let’s bring back the fertility rite of Lupercalia. Sure, it may not make the women more fertile, but it may whip some sense into them, while at the same time paying them back for psychologically “whipping” our fellow men. Hell, even if it doesn’t work, it would at least be a lot of fun.
But this is all really just a dream of mine. We’d all be better off spending Valentine’s Day with a fifth of whiskey. Like a woman, whiskey has a bite, but at least it doesn’t have the bark.