NationStates Jolt Archive

With all the flirt threads...

What do you think of friends with "benefits"? Have you ever had any such friends? You have one now or are you looking? Or are you a prude?

With all the flirt threads...

What do you think of friends with "benefits"? Have you ever had any such friends? You have one now or are you looking? Or are you a prude?

I understand the concept but I've never had such a relationship with anyone. Of course, I haven't been single in ages, either, so it's not really a question.

I understand the concept but I've never had such a relationship with anyone. Of course, I haven't been single in ages, either, so it's not really a question.
I wasn't single, either.

I became single pretty quick, though.

I wasn't single, either.

I became single pretty quick, though.

Bummer. I can see how that would happen, too. It's a fine thing for a romantic comedy plot, but in Real Life, I think not.

Eh. I end up falling for 'em anyhow...


Let me state though, I would totally be for it if I had the ability.

1. I have no problem with it.
2. Yes, two (not at the same time).
3. No, not looking.
4. Prude. Ha. Hahahahaha. HA!!

I couldn't do it, I confuse sex with strong, couply emotions too easily. :/

i slept with one of my friends. we're still friends but there's no way i'd do it again.

also one of my other friends recently told me she's fancied me for ages. really didn't know what to say. i like her a lot but i've never fancied her, bit awkward for a few moments anyway. didn't help that we were about to share a bed out of necessity... hmmm... maybe that's why she said it then, she did look terribly embarrassed... oh well.

I thought I would try that a few times, but it turned out all of my friends were "in love" with me, so it wouldn't have ever worked out. :p

Can you blame them? ;)

I thought I would try that a few times, but it turned out all of my friends were "in love" with me, so it wouldn't have ever worked out. :p

There's a difference between physical and emotional attraction, hence anything coming from the former doesn't bother me.

I wouldn't mind some of these “benefits” but my female friends are that because they would never dream of it :D

Though everyone is after my masseur hands :mad:

Can you blame them? ;)

not really :cool:

mmmmm

involved in just such an arrangenment currently
so much easier than faffing about with 'love'

With all the flirt threads...

What do you think of friends with "benefits"? Have you ever had any such friends? You have one now or are you looking? Or are you a prude?


I would def. have a friend with benefits! :D

Yes
Yes
Yes

It's great as long as you are both very well adjusted and aware that you love hanging out together and occasionally banging the drool out of each other. Or that's my job. Anyhow, call them what you will, FWB or F buddies can be just as much fun as any other frienship. I guess it's easy because I have great ability to detach feelings and use pure logic to do things. The both of you logically needs sexual stimulation but you do not logically need a relationship. This 'attribute' comes in handy for me on many occasions and really works quite well. It has hurt me a time or two but not because I ever fell for a FWB. If you're realistic with your goals, stay truthful to yourself, you'll be amazed at all the things you can do.

I thought I would try that a few times, but it turned out all of my friends were "in love" with me, so it wouldn't have ever worked out. :p

That unfortunately is the case for me.

I make it work when I can. I really don't have the time to focus on a relationship right now.

I have had them.

I do have at least one.

And if your not looking for a serious relationship they are fun, but if your trying for one then they may not be appropriate.

Like anything else in life they have their time and place.

Bummer. I can see how that would happen, too. It's a fine thing for a romantic comedy plot, but in Real Life, I think not.
No biggie. I never really liked her that much, anyway.

I've had a few friends with benefits and it's always been fun.

My wife used to be a friend with benefits but it became serious... obviously. Now we both have friends with benefits together. :p ;) :cool:

No thanks, the one time I had something like that it ended very badly and almost wrecked my friendship with said person.

I'm also still feeling the effects as well as the knowledge that it happened has made my wife extremly distrustful of said friend's intentions whenever she's around me.

Friends+: All the fun of couples without the nagging! :D

No thanks, the one time I had something like that it ended very badly and almost wrecked my friendship with said person.

I'm also still feeling the effects as well as the knowledge that it happened has made my wife extremly distrustful of said friend's intentions whenever she's around me.

my husband had a friend+ before we met, he told me while we were dating, so that he wouldn't be accused of hiding it, and she always creeped me out after that, I never told him, but he knew. He told her that he was choosing me, and she called me at work and offered a threesome to "make things even" :eek: I declined.

With all the flirt threads...

What do you think of friends with "benefits"? Have you ever had any such friends? You have one now or are you looking? Or are you a prude?
I gave up on looking here too. :p

Do you really have to use a word like "prude"? I perfer the term "sexually pure". Not like I could be anymore sexually pure since I'm asexual...

Do you really have to use a word like "prude"? I perfer the term "sexually pure". Not like I could be anymore sexually pure since I'm asexual...
A prude is a prude no matter what you call it. :p

Interesting you should bring this up, my friend with benefits told me about an hour ago that shes getting back with her bf again, which means it might be a good 2 weeks before I can sleep with her again.

She was my first real 'FWB' and I wasn't sure how I would handle it at the start, but decided to try. 2 months later, I'm not attached and haven't 'fallen' for her. It was great fun.

my husband had a friend+ before we met, he told me while we were dating, so that he wouldn't be accused of hiding it, and she always creeped me out after that, I never told him, but he knew. He told her that he was choosing me, and she called me at work and offered a threesome to "make things even" :eek: I declined.
Yup, I've been told that I can keep her as a friend, but I am not to bring up her name or even hint that she is still alive in the presence of my wife.

Yup, I've been told that I can keep her as a friend, but I am not to bring up her name or even hint that she is still alive in the presence of my wife.

sounds like a good solution. I was so uncomfortable around this woman that I didn't want to know anything, although I think she really wanted me to leave hubby alone because she took great pleasure in divulging details. In the end she started to creep him out as well, so he doesn't see her anymore.

Sounds like a great way to risk a friendship. If you must have meaningles sex, better to do it with someone you don't give a damn about so if it goes sour then you won't risk throwing away a friend.

I wouldn't mind some of these “benefits” but my female friends are that because they would never dream of it :D

Though everyone is after my masseur hands :mad:

Sounds a lot like me, with the hands and everything; everyone loves my massages, but I don't know anyone that could give them to me, and I need them after work real bad sometimes. Although I do have the one friend that was a bit more for a few "dates." Unfortunately, it was only three times, and it was everything BUT full on, penetration sex. I think she wanted to stray away from me because she wanted to have sex every time (evidently, I know what the hell I'm doing), but doesn't want to have sex.

I don't think i'd be interested in meaningless sex that just might do some damage to a friendship. Not that the opportunity will ever come up, anyway :P

I'm friends w/ benefits with one of my ex-girlfriends.

I think friends with benefits is great. I don’t understand people who think it so much better to have sex with some random stranger you just meet at a bar than with someone you know, trust, and enjoy spending time with already.

The only problem is the emotional attachments issue – so long as your friendship is no more than just friends rather than one person secretly wanting to have an emotional relationship, it is the second best thing in the world (first being mutual love). If enjoy spending time with someone who is a great friend, why not have sex as well? It is one more activity to do together – creative recreation.

Brief note: FBs are different than FWB. FWB you are friends and hang out and all that without the sex. FBs are pretty much just about the sex.

I couldn't do it, I confuse sex with strong, couply emotions too easily. :/

I'm afraid that I must agree with Kiryu-shi. I couldn't do it. Call it a case of being culturally conditioned by my parents to see sex as a thing between lovers, but I've never been able to participate in casual sex. (Not that I've had a chance to, but that's beside the point.) Of course, this is just my personal viewpoint for meself so whatever other peeps do doesn't bother me.

I had a friend like that once. Not that we actually had sex, but we got into some VERY serious petting. I couldn't get enough of her physically, but I really didn't want anything emotionally. She had a huge crush on me, but I figured if she wanted out, she was a grownup and could make her own decisions. I was very upfront with her.

I think, though, that if we'd been around each other longer it would have developed into something more. We both ended up moving.

I've done that, with a friend that had an open marriage. Her husband has since closed the marrriage, and I have a girlfriend now, but my friend and I have remained close.

I wish I had one right now...:(

With all the flirt threads...

What do you think of friends with "benefits"? Have you ever had any such friends? You have one now or are you looking? Or are you a prude?
My current lover and I were "friends with benefits" for a year before we started dating. I think it was a good choice for both of us at the time, since he was coming out of a rather unhealthy long-term relationship when we met, and I was totally uninterested in dating.

We started dating when we both felt like it was what we wanted. Our relationship has held together through 2 years of long-distance relationship (him in LA, me in DC), and we've been living together for some time now, so it seems to have worked for us. :D

With all the flirt threads...

What do you think of friends with "benefits"? Have you ever had any such friends? You have one now or are you looking? Or are you a prude?

Am I the only person here who doesn't know what a friend with "benefits" is?

Am I the only person here who doesn't know what a friend with "benefits" is?"Benefits" = sex.

I have had many friends with benefits. There are few friends that I wouldn't sleep with, and not so much because I'm just a some crazy horny slutwhore... sex for me is not something sacred, it's a way to show affection in certain circumstances (with consenting adults). Only one situation of 'friends with benefits' turned out badly because the friend in question decided that sex made me his property. Turned out not to be a very good friend after all. Adding sex to the mix never soured things aside from that one time, so yeah, I'm all for it. But it's not for everyone.

"Benefits" = sex.

so why don't people word it that way? =.=

anyway, I don't think I'd have sex with a friend, simply because I haven't had that many real friends since puberty, and it takes a lot to get me attracted to someone anyway, and it's difficult for me to have sex with people I'm not attracted to, but supposing I was physically attracted to a friend but not interested in a deeper relationship with that friend, and the friend agreed, I might consider it.

Eh, I know, nothing answer.

Sounds a lot like me, with the hands and everything; everyone loves my massages, but I don't know anyone that could give them to me, and I need them after work real bad sometimes.

Yeah, none of my friends who are still around really give good massages (the one who did left the area for career advancement) so I just enjoy what I can get from another friend who has good nails that really get in there and work out my knots if nothing else. I really appreciate her doing that. Even a mediocre massage can be pretty good. A great massage is heavenly.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nova Magna Germania
With all the flirt threads...

What do you think of friends with "benefits"? Have you ever had any such friends? You have one now or are you looking? Or are you a prude?



I understand the concept but I've never had such a relationship with anyone. Of course, I haven't been single in ages, either, so it's not really a question.


The hell, that is too a question.

Yes
Yes
Yes

It's great as long as you are both very well adjusted and aware that you love hanging out together and occasionally banging the drool out of each other. Or that's my job. Anyhow, call them what you will, FWB or F buddies can be just as much fun as any other frienship. I guess it's easy because I have great ability to detach feelings and use pure logic to do things. The both of you logically needs sexual stimulation but you do not logically need a relationship. This 'attribute' comes in handy for me on many occasions and really works quite well. It has hurt me a time or two but not because I ever fell for a FWB. If you're realistic with your goals, stay truthful to yourself, you'll be amazed at all the things you can do.

I dont suppose many people 'need' to be in a relationship, but if you want to talk about it logically, a relationship can provide a lot of emotional support. This may be more useful than the sexual stimulation depending on what sort of person you are.

As to the OP: no i've never had a FWB, would like to though.

I dont suppose many people 'need' to be in a relationship, but if you want to talk about it logically, a relationship can provide a lot of emotional support. This may be more useful than the sexual stimulation depending on what sort of person you are.

As to the OP: no i've never had a FWB, would like to though.

That's very true. FWB isn't for everyone. On the otherhand, some people find relationships stifling which negates the emotional support.

Bottom line, everyone needs to honest with each other about what they need.

I realize I'll probably get flamed for this, but meh. It's all about expressing opinions.

I think friends with benefits is a really bad idea. Not so much because of the emotional attachment issue, although that's a valid concern, and not because of the discomfort of future romances, although that's a good point too.

It's that I actually feel badly for people who are capable of having "meaningless sex." To me, it's unhealthy. I don't mean to sound like I'm judging people, not my intent at all.

One of the things I find most gratifying about being intimate with somebody is the idea that we're sharing somethign with each other, as an expression of love, that nobody else is entitled to. Giving that to someone I don't love would cheapen it.

A few years ago I was in a relationship with a woman who had friends with benefits before we were together. When we were intimate, it was noticeably less fulfilling and emotionally satisfying because what she was sharing with me was no more than what any of her "buddies" could do with her. What was left for me, who was much more than that?

That's why I've never persued something like that. I want there to be something I share with a woman I love that I'd share with nobody else. Something that she knows is just for her and her alone, not because I'm simply faithful, but because I love her, and wouldn't be that close to her if I did not. Knowing that she feels the same way, I respect her and appreciate the meaning of her choosing to sleep with me.

One of the things I find most gratifying about being intimate with somebody is the idea that we're sharing somethign with each other, as an expression of love, that nobody else is entitled to. Giving that to someone I don't love would cheapen it.



Just a question. Do you feel that having more than one friend cheapens your friendship with each friend you have? How do you express your love for your friend (assuming you feel that strongly...I don't like to have acquaintances, so my friendships are very strong, but that's not everyone's experience)? If you express your love in the same way for all of your friends, is that cheapening the sentiment? Are you replaceable as a friend? Are your friends replaceable?

For me, the answer is definitely no. I value my friends very much, and love is absolutely the emotion I feel for them, though it isn't romantic love. If I have sex with my friends, it is certainly different than having sex with my husband, but I don't feel the act is 'cheapened' in any way.

I really think it depends on what you think sex is about. If we look at it in this way, it isn't hard to see why sex with friends is fine for some, and not fine for others...it's no great mystery really. Just because you and I don't see it the same way doesn't mean we can't in some way understand the other person's position. So I'm not trying to convince you here, just attempting to explain how some of us who have friends with benefits think about it...because your perception is very much in the majority, and reinforced socially, while our perception is still considered to be rather odd.

Just a question. Do you feel that having more than one friend cheapens your friendship with each friend you have? How do you express your love for your friend (assuming you feel that strongly...I don't like to have acquaintances, so my friendships are very strong, but that's not everyone's experience)? If you express your love in the same way for all of your friends, is that cheapening the sentiment? Are you replaceable as a friend? Are your friends replaceable?

For me, the answer is definitely no. I value my friends very much, and love is absolutely the emotion I feel for them, though it isn't romantic love. If I have sex with my friends, it is certainly different than having sex with my husband, but I don't feel the act is 'cheapened' in any way.

I really think it depends on what you think sex is about. If we look at it in this way, it isn't hard to see why sex with friends is fine for some, and not fine for others...it's no great mystery really. Just because you and I don't see it the same way doesn't mean we can't in some way understand the other person's position. So I'm not trying to convince you here, just attempting to explain how some of us who have friends with benefits think about it...because your perception is very much in the majority, and reinforced socially, while our perception is still considered to be rather odd.

I appreciate your non-flamish reaction :)

To answer your question, no, having more than one friend certainly doesn't detract from the friendship with any individual one, but as you said, this is probably where our perspectives differ.

I don't have sex with my friends. That isn't how I express my friendship. I have a circle of very close friends, mostly male but some female, who I won't hesitate to hug, shake hands with, talk with, do anything for, support them any way I can, etc.

On the other hand, my relationship with my fiancee' is all of those things and more. For each other, we reserve a level of intimacy that is not due anyone else. You mentioned a comparison between sex with your friends and sex with your husband (by that do you mean you have an open marriage, or are you referring to past experience, if I may ask). I am sure the emotional context is very different, but the physical act isn't really. Isn't your husband entitled to know you in a way that nobody else does?

I realize I'll probably get flamed for this, but meh. It's all about expressing opinions.

I think friends with benefits is a really bad idea. Not so much because of the emotional attachment issue, although that's a valid concern, and not because of the discomfort of future romances, although that's a good point too.

It's that I actually feel badly for people who are capable of having "meaningless sex." To me, it's unhealthy. I don't mean to sound like I'm judging people, not my intent at all.

One of the things I find most gratifying about being intimate with somebody is the idea that we're sharing somethign with each other, as an expression of love, that nobody else is entitled to. Giving that to someone I don't love would cheapen it.

A few years ago I was in a relationship with a woman who had friends with benefits before we were together. When we were intimate, it was noticeably less fulfilling and emotionally satisfying because what she was sharing with me was no more than what any of her "buddies" could do with her. What was left for me, who was much more than that?

That's why I've never persued something like that. I want there to be something I share with a woman I love that I'd share with nobody else. Something that she knows is just for her and her alone, not because I'm simply faithful, but because I love her, and wouldn't be that close to her if I did not. Knowing that she feels the same way, I respect her and appreciate the meaning of her choosing to sleep with me.
Hmm. Different strokes for different folks, I suppose. I wouldn't feel comfortable sleeping with anybody who viewed sex the way you do, because I don't like how close it comes to confusing sex with love.

Sex can be used to express many different things. Sex can express love, attraction, affection, even humor. Sex can be about comforting one another. Sex can be about simply giving and receiving pleasure with somebody you are fond of, to whatever extent.

Sex, in and of itself, doesn't have one particular meaning. It's like how you can use a smile to convey many different things in many different situations and to many different people. You can smile to express mischief, or glee, or pure joy, or love, or any of a million other things.

There's a certain kind of smile I reserve for my lover, because he's the only one that makes me feel like smiling that way. The fact that I've smiled at other people in the past doesn't cheapen it when I smile at my partner. It doesn't mean the same thing.

Hell, sometimes I smile at my partner just because he's being a big doofus, or because we just totally owned that last board on MarioKart. Just like how sometimes we "make love" and sometimes we boink like bunnies.

I am not comfortable with the kind of person who thinks that sex always should mean the same thing, or that it always carries the same significance. To me, that's no different than saying that you'd never smile at anybody other than your lover, and you'd never smile at them for any reason other than to express your utmost love and devotion. I think that sort of thing robs you of a lot of the joy in life, and to no real gain.

But that's just me, and (happily) we all get to go with what's comfortable for us! I hope you won't take any of this as as insult, because it's absolutely not intended that way. People have different views on sex and different comfort levels, and as long as everybody is honest with each other I don't think there needs to be any problem with that.

Hmm. Different strokes for different folks, I suppose. I wouldn't feel comfortable sleeping with anybody who viewed sex the way you do, because I don't like how close it comes to confusing sex with love.

*snip*

But that's just me, and (happily) we all get to go with what's comfortable for us! I hope you won't take any of this as as insult, because it's absolutely not intended that way. People have different views on sex and different comfort levels, and as long as everybody is honest with each other I don't think there needs to be any problem with that.

Not taken as an insult at all. It's good that we can be so very different in our perspectives and still be able to talk openly about it.

I'd just hate to appear as if my point of view on sex was as dull as all that. All the things you described about you and your lover ring true to me for how it is with my fiancee'. (By the way, she'll be my wife come April :D )

But honestly, to me, sex DOES go with love 100%. (Not necessarily the other way around, of course) It's not confusion, it's what we've chosen. Now mind you, that doesn't mean that every single time we do it we have candles lit and Enigma playing on the CD player. Sometimes ya just gotta pounce the hell out of each other gratuitously.

But as I said, we reserve that for each other alone.

Not taken as an insult at all. It's good that we can be so very different in our perspectives and still be able to talk openly about it.

I'd just hate to appear as if my point of view on sex was as dull as all that. All the things you described about you and your lover ring true to me for how it is with my fiancee'. (By the way, she'll be my wife come April :D )

But honestly, to me, sex DOES go with love 100%. (Not necessarily the other way around, of course) It's not confusion, it's what we've chosen. Now mind you, that doesn't mean that every single time we do it we have candles lit and Enigma playing on the CD player. Sometimes ya just gotta punce the hell out of each other gratuitously.

But as I said, we reserve that for each other alone.

That's exactly why I feel honesty is of utmost importance between parnters. I believe is it 100% important for ppl to talk openly and honestly about sex and expectations prior to having sex for the first time. It's also important to continue the dialogue in an honest and open way.