NationStates Jolt Archive

The compulsive liar, meth addict sodomite Ted Haggard has been "declared heterosexual" by his partners in crime.


http://www.nytimes.com/aponline/us/AP-Haggard-Sex-Allegations.html?hp&ex=1170824400&en=e85aa315c9092d7e&ei=5094&partner=homepage


:rolleyes:

Haggard said in an e-mail Sunday, his first communication in three months to church members, that he and his wife, Gayle, plan to pursue master's degrees in psychology. The e-mail said the family hasn't decided where to move but that they were considering Missouri and Iowa.

Sounds more like they agreed to cover his ass in exchange for getting out of the ministry.

Sounds more like they agreed to cover his ass in exchange for getting out of the ministry.

Interesting choice of words. ;)

Your sexual orientation can be determined and declared by a committee? Who wants to get a committee together to declare him a zoophile, necrophile, kid toucher?

Interesting choice of words. ;)

;)

Speaking of which (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=pastor+ted)...

That was for you, Trotskylvania (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=516670). :D

It reminds me of something John Stewart said, "You can't run from gay. You can't hide from it in your house with your wife and three children. Gay can see through walls!"

Speaking of which (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=pastor+ted)...

That was for you, Trotskylvania (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=516670). :D

Hey! I was the one who coined it. How dare you rob me of my Internets cred?

Your sexual orientation can be determined and declared by a committee?

My mother shall hopefully remain none the wiser of this interesting turn of events.

Your sexual orientation can be determined and declared by a committee? Who wants to get a committee together to declare him a zoophile, necrophile, kid toucher?

Screw that, I'll just declare him dead. I mean, if they can make up whatever the fuck they want about him, why not go for the gold?

Screw that, I'll just declare him dead. I mean, if they can make up whatever the fuck they want about him, why not go for the gold?

It would be funnier to make him fuck dead kittens.

Your sexual orientation can be determined and declared by a committee? Who wants to get a committee together to declare him a zoophile, necrophile, kid toucher?

Technically, a committee of 12 can be impaneled to declare someone a kid-toucher (hey, they get put on the list) as it is.

i dont think these guys are psychologists.

DENVER (AP) -- One of four ministers who oversaw three weeks of intensive counseling for the Rev. Ted Haggard said the disgraced minister emerged convinced that he is ''completely heterosexual.''

Haggard also said his sexual contact with men was limited to the former male prostitute who came forward with sexual allegations, the Rev. Tim Ralph of Larkspur told The Denver Post for a story in Tuesday's edition.

''He is completely heterosexual,'' Ralph said. ''That is something he discovered. It was the acting-out situations where things took place. It wasn't a constant thing.''

Ralph said the board spoke with people close to Haggard while investigating his claim that his only extramarital sexual contact happened with Mike Jones. The board found no evidence to the contrary.



he is COMPLELTELY heterosexual!

for some reason, hiring a male prostitute doesnt count unless he does it "constantly". if he is only "acting out", it doesnt count.

he is completely full of shit.

It was just a one time thing, he was just experimenting. Clearly he's not really gay.


He's just a good old fashioned closet case.

Hey! I was the one who coined it. How dare you rob me of my Internets cred?
Hmmm... well, I guess I saw the author of the thread, and assumed the word came from the same person.

*magically transfers 500 Internets cred (IC) into Fass's coolness account*

Your sexual orientation can be determined and declared by a committee? Who wants to get a committee together to declare him a zoophile, necrophile, kid toucher?

I'd serve proudly on that committee. :p

On behalf of homosexuals everywhere, I'd like to bid the Reverend a fond farewell and wish him luck in all his future endeavors. Now excuse me while I alert the citizens of Missouri and Iowa.

i dont think these guys are psychologists.
They don't have to be. They graduated from the University of Jeebus.

Not familiar with the guy, to be honest.

Not familiar with the guy, to be honest.

This guy (http://youtube.com/watch?v=W6rSjrBhUIA). Highly ironic, given that he was later outed by a male prostitute who claimed to sell him meth on the side.

This guy (http://youtube.com/watch?v=W6rSjrBhUIA). Highly ironic, given that he was later outed by a male prostitute who claimed to sell him meth on the side.

Oh, him. *groans*

Thank you for the clarification. :)

Strange.

I thought I was gay once.


Turned out to be gas.

My mother shall hopefully remain none the wiser of this interesting turn of events.just tell her that it was a HUGE and WELL EQUIPTED comittee...

We can cure any ghey in three weeks or less. Money back guarantee. Mention this ad and get half off. Be one of the next 100 callers and get a free T-Shirt.
:D

We can cure any ghey in three weeks or less. Money back guarantee. Mention this ad and get half off. Be one of the next 100 callers and get a free T-Shirt.
:D

The t-shirt says "100% certified heterosexual" and has a picture of the Rev, a la Che.

The t-shirt says "100% certified heterosexual" and has a picture of the Rev, a la Che.

Exactly. And "God is my Copilot" across the back.

I thought being Gay wasn't a choice.....

It is if your continued status as gay jeopardizes the religious right's continuing mopolization of virtue

It is if your continued status as gay jeopardizes the religious right's continuing mopolization of virtue

Ahh, so he chose to be heterosexual so he can be embraced by the religious right....

Wow talk about your bad choices.

I never implied I condone it, just pointing out what I believe is the reasoning behind it.

Exactly. And "God is my Copilot" across the back.
a better phrase would be, "Jesus is in my cockpit"

a better phrase would be, "Jesus is in my cockpit"

No, it would be "Jesus is in my hanger!"

Who did he have sex with? WHO?
Ralph said the board spoke with people close to Haggard while investigating his claim that his only extramarital sexual contact happened with Mike Jones. The board found no evidence to the contrary.
http://www.whomikejones.com/photos/photos03.jpg

Mike Jones.

Exactly. And "God is my Copilot" across the back.

"jesus, take the stick"

I thought being Gay wasn't a choice.....

It's not, denial is.

Honestly, all joking aside...

Does anybody think that there is a single evangelical homophobe who ISN'T a self-hating closet case?

Honestly, all joking aside...

Does anybody think that there is a single evangelical homophobe who ISN'T a self-hating closet case?

Probably not, though the idea of Jerry Falwell or Pat Robertson having sex at all, even gay sex, is enough to make me gag.

Probably not, though the idea of Jerry Falwell or Pat Robertson having sex at all, even gay sex, is enough to make me gag.

Thanks for that, my brain just imploded. You'll be getting the repair bill.

Probably not, though the idea of Jerry Falwell or Pat Robertson having sex at all, even gay sex, is enough to make me gag.
Evangelical men having sex?

...

And there goes the last, lingering shred of my heterosexuality. *Shudder*

It reminds me of something John Stewart said, "You can't run from gay. You can't hide from it in your house with your wife and three children. Gay can see through walls!"
It can? Sweet! I hope it penetrates the walls of the House of Commons. ;)

Probably not, though the idea of Jerry Falwell or Pat Robertson having sex at all, even gay sex, is enough to make me gag.

Thanks for that, my brain just imploded. You'll be getting the repair bill.

Evangelical men having sex?

...

And there goes the last, lingering shred of my heterosexuality. *Shudder*

:D Someone, perhaps even Bottle, has said here more than once, arch-conservatives like Falwell and Robertson and their ilk always say sex is bad because sex with them always is.

All you wretched mocking sinners should be ashamed of yourselves. Ted Haggard is as straight as they come.
I should know, because I'm straight, and I had similar problems when I was in my thirties. Fortunately, by regularly stimulating myself with the end of a Ribena bottle whilst looking at pornographic images of young men I was able to rekindle a loving relationship with my wife. With whom I have three children, by the way. And one of them wasn't even from artificial insemination.
Shame on you all! You're all going to hell! Hell! Where they send gays to be punished! Gays must be punished! Punish them! Oh yeah, that's hot as hell, I mean it's hot in Hell.

All you wretched mocking sinners should be ashamed of yourselves. Ted Haggard is as straight as they come.
I should know, because I'm straight, and I had similar problems when I was in my thirties. Fortunately, by regularly stimulating myself with the end of a Ribena bottle whilst looking at pornographic images of young men I was able to rekindle a loving relationship with my wife. With whom I have three children, by the way. And one of them wasn't even from artificial insemination.

You're a role model for the religious right.

I just HAD to see what was in this thread, the title was so inventive.

This sounds like prison sex. "Yeah I might be sodomising a juvenile with 12 other huge black guys, but I'm no fag!"

You're a role model for the religious right.

He's also being facetious, or so I hope.

He's also being facetious, or so I hope.

Never knowingly unfacetious. :D

He's also being facetious, or so I hope.

Oh I know. But if he wasn't, he would be a role model for the religious right.

We are all the lambs of Jesus
God loves every one of us,
We will follow where he leads us,
And we'll never make a fuss.

We used to sing that at Bible camp. Those were great days...

We are all the lambs of Jesus
God loves every one of us,
We will follow where he leads us,
And we'll never make a fuss.

We used to sing that at Bible camp. Those were great days...

Yup, gotta love indoctrination of youth.

If he says he's back to normal, he's back to normal until proven otherwise.

Props to him for straightening out.

Props? Why props?

We are all the lambs of Jesus
God loves every one of us,
We will follow where he leads us,
And we'll never make a fuss.

We used to sing that at Bible camp. Those were great days...

What about cumbayar my lord and Jesus gives us the water of life?

We sang them while drinking far too much at rock festivals.. great times.

We are all the lambs of Jesus
God loves every one of us,
We will follow where he leads us,
And we'll never make a fuss.

We used to sing that at Bible camp. Those were great days...Have you ever thought about the purpose of keeping lambs?

Honestly, all joking aside...

Does anybody think that there is a single evangelical homophobe who ISN'T a self-hating closet case? Does this mean the entire population of Saudi Arabia is gay?

I really hope so.

I am just astounded that anyone would swallow that bullshit story that the first time he ever tried it was with the gay prostitute he got outed with. It's getting AWFUL deep in here...:rolleyes:

If he says he's back to normal, he's back to normal until proven otherwise.

Props to him for straightening out.

Hey, ive got a bridge for sale.

You interested?

What about cumbayar my lord and Jesus gives us the water of life?

We sang them while drinking far too much at rock festivals.. great times.

Water of life? That sounds dirty.

Water of life? That sounds dirty.

Your obviously not pure of mind and are going to hell

Have you ever thought about the purpose of keeping lambs?

Yes.
The song only exists in my head, I'm a 22 year old British atheist who never went to Bible camp. I was just continuing my 'evangelical closet case' bit.

Speaking of which (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=pastor+ted)...

That was for you, Trotskylvania (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=516670). :D

Thank's man. I put "Pastor Ted" as a wiki stub as well.