NationStates Jolt Archive


The Great Patron of Lies and Malevolence

New Ausha
05-02-2007, 09:11
Terrible title I know, but for now it will suffice.

Inspired by a great Friend of mine, I have undertaken the most despised and aspired tasks an individual can undertake- writing a story. My dear clever, enlightened, and obnoxiously sarcastic NSers, I would much like too be so bold as too outline the stories overall plot. Any feedback would be appreciated, constructive criticism as well, all that ruff....

Patrick, our hero, is in service too the Ministry of Intelligence. The "First Prodigy" organization holds some 5000 Aushans (yes i am using my NS nation in the story) as hostages, in a remote island off the mainland coast. The organization claims too hold two Nuclear weapons. They are expected too be at 1300 strong, as they kill 2 hostages a day. But at first, their demands are vague and financially peripheral- Water, ice, food. Patrick is directly involved in the case, but cant find anywhere too fit in, too be an important factor in the crisis. That is, until he is acquainted by our "Great Patron" the highly prestigious "Royce Cischen" a Senator, who is Chairman of the "National Disaster Committee" He informs Patrick of the corrupt, financially bloated, and morally ambiguous remainder of the committee, that is 6 of them. Patrick is sent too investigate them, and long story short, accidental kills two of them at first, arrests 3 more, and delivers the last too Royce. Patrick is confident he has unraveled the mystery, the Senators he has neutralized sold the Nukes too the "Prodigy", therefore they posses the proper codes too disarm them. Patrick then learns that the other members of the committee who he has aided in their downfall, are accused of being captured by State Police, and committing suicide, Patrick is never mentioned. He approaches Royce, who arrests him. Patrick is charged with aiding Senator Bivelt (the last one he delivered too Royce) as an apprentice, aiding in the arms sale. He is sent too State Prison, and bunks with the Senator. The Senator informs him. ROyce sold the nukes. He had chaired the "State Military Munitions and technology" committee earlier in his career. He had stolen millions in State munitions, selling two warheads too a terrorist organization. It is here the "Prodigy" terrorists issue their demands- they want Royce too be the negotiator. Royce agrees on public television. Patrick and Bivelt agree that Royce is too detonate the nukes, killing the terrorists and civilians- for you see, when Royce sold the terrorists the nukes, he did not do so thinking they would attack his own State. Patrick knows this must be the evidence that can put Royce away. Patrick's friend in the state Police, "Captain Jarell" has him released, on a fake transfer order. Patrick now pleads his case too a state police Major, who is interested in the proposal, having disdain against Royce, for criticizing his forces scrutiny at city docks (which he uses to ship out his weapons, Royce that is) The Major gives Patrick the OK too search the docks for evidence. Patrick finds a barge. He downloads the course record in the computer room, with transaction evidence, Royces name, and a foreign royalist unrest organization, which the Barges arms are too be illegally shipped too. He escapes, but is followed by agents of Royce. They eventually catch him, and take back the disk, electing not too kill Patrick. Patrick returns with no evidence, and the Major is furious. He lets Patrick go free, and warns him too leave the royce affair be. Patrick pleads his case with the Chancellor eventually, who has had his suspicions. After another barge is searched, evidence is procured of Royces illegal activities. The Chancellor issues Royces death warrant, who is already on his way too the island. In a publicity stunt, he will show up, negotiate, and then obliterate the unknowing fanatics, destroyers all evidence of his involvement. Patrick rents a yacht, gets too the island, but is kept well away from the airport. He eventually dawns a navy uniform, and eventually gets close enough too Royce, too blast him in the chest with a few shots. Patrick is tackled, and sent back too prison. A trial ensues, Royce versus Patrick on the island. Patrick is in a navy court, and may face death. The Chancellors aide is en route too clear patricks actions, with the evidence. Royce survived the attack, and labels Patrick a foreign aggressor. Patrick is sentenced too death. Just in time, the aide bursts in, and has Royce arrested. Royce is linked too the nukes. Royce, after a brief interrogation reveals, that he has ordered the detonation of the warheads, though he does not reveal the identity of who will do the deed. Patrick recollects the man who would drive Patrick too his hits, when he was in service of Royce. Pat heads too the mainland, and tracks down the driver. The driver is in process of activating the nukes, when pat attacks him. He overcomes the attacker, but the suitcase flys out the window- the one that is capable of detonating the nukes....Do they explode? ......Ill let ya know....


So, what do you think of it so far? (Sorry for gramatical error, I have a terrible spell check program) The plot will be subject too massive overhaul of course, but is the idea vaguely intersting?
Christmahanikwanzikah
05-02-2007, 09:13
Don't make it sound like the n-thousand other war/action novels and you've got something
New Ausha
05-02-2007, 09:18
Don't make it sound like the n-thousand other war/action novels and you've got something

Erm I was wary of that... Notice how Pat doesnt mow down baddies, or have the fate of the world in his hands....More so he plays his part, as much as an individual could do, act how he sees fit. The fight scenes wont be overly prolonged (no fire extinguisher pounding him in the face 20 times, just too have him hop up again here)
Gartref
05-02-2007, 09:21
The Great Patron of Lies and Malevolence

Fess up, everybody. Who else thought this thread was going to be about George Bush?
Greater Valia
05-02-2007, 09:22
Fess up, everybody. Who else thought this thread was going to be about George Bush?

*raises hand* I actually like the title though.
Christmahanikwanzikah
05-02-2007, 09:25
Erm I was wary of that... Notice how Pat doesnt mow down baddies, or have the fate of the world in his hands....More so he plays his part, as much as an individual could do, act how he sees fit. The fight scenes wont be overly prolonged (no fire extinguisher pounding him in the face 20 times, just too have him hop up again here)

Those definitely sound good...

Definitely some interesting ideas.
Greater Valia
05-02-2007, 09:29
So, what do you think of it so far? (Sorry for gramatical error, I have a terrible spell check program) The plot will be subject too massive overhaul of course, but is the idea vaguely intersting?

Reminds me somewhat of the Schismatrix novel... except its not in space. I would read it if it went to press. And if you don't mind, is English not your native language? (The use of too, instead of to is why I am curious)
New Ausha
05-02-2007, 09:32
Reminds me somewhat of the Schismatrix novel... except its not in space. I would read it if it went to press. And if you don't mind, is English not your native language? (The use of too, instead of to is why I am curious)

Ah, the excessive use of "too" is not from lack of native comprehension of the language mate, but rather a mental compulsion whenever the word is necessary.
New Ausha
05-02-2007, 09:32
Fess up, everybody. Who else thought this thread was going to be about George Bush?

Your comparing Bush too Royce? =/
New Ausha
05-02-2007, 09:33
Those definitely sound good...

Definitely some interesting ideas.

So you like the plot?
Greater Valia
05-02-2007, 09:36
Ah, the excessive use of "too" is not from lack of native comprehension of the language mate, but rather a mental compulsion whenever the word is necessary.

Ah. I see. Well, good luck on getting this thing written. Hopefully it might be published one day.
New Ausha
05-02-2007, 09:37
Ah. I see. Well, good luck on getting this thing written. Hopefully it might be published one day.

I see it more too submit, as too help my chances of getting into Honors English next year.
Greater Valia
05-02-2007, 09:39
I see it more too submit, as too help my chances of getting into Honors English next year.

So a teacher would be the intended audience?
Christmahanikwanzikah
05-02-2007, 09:41
So you like the plot?

"for you see, when Royce sold the terrorists the nukes, he did not do so thinking they would attack his own State."

that sounds like an old plot line on 24, but the rest is good.
New Ausha
05-02-2007, 09:45
So a teacher would be the intended audience?

Initially yes, but if he/she saw potential in it....
New Ausha
05-02-2007, 09:47
"for you see, when Royce sold the terrorists the nukes, he did not do so thinking they would attack his own State."

that sounds like an old plot line on 24, but the rest is good.

I have never seen 24, I decided this when every frame of the comericals features Jack Bauer aiming a pistol....A got a feeling that the show was monotonous for some reason...

Royce is in fact a patriot, but sees money before honor. This doesnt stop him from endangering 5000 of his fellow citizens too free himself from implication...
Similization
05-02-2007, 09:48
Hey I have a suggestion!

If you remove all the spaces, it'll be even more unreadable.

Brought to you by the "Because chunks of condensed letters are cool" movement.
Christmahanikwanzikah
05-02-2007, 09:50
I have never seen 24, I decided this when every frame of the comericals features Jack Bauer aiming a pistol....A got a feeling that the show was monotonous for some reason...

Royce is in fact a patriot, but sees money before honor. This doesnt stop him from endangering 5000 of his fellow citizens too free himself from implication...

Yeah, I got that merc part. Thats a great idea, actually.

24 is a great show, its just FOX overhypes it.
New Ausha
05-02-2007, 09:50
Hey I have a suggestion!

If you remove all the spaces, it'll be even more unreadable.

Brought to you by the "Because chunks of condensed letters are cool" movement.

Erm, you need glasses mate? If your stating the page is physically "unreadable" perhaps you should wipe the thick layer of grease off your monitor. Go ahead and use the Kleenex that is undoubtibly next too your PC, that should help. ;)
Keruvalia
05-02-2007, 09:51
As long as it ends with "... and then they resorted to cannibalism", you'll do just fine.
New Ausha
05-02-2007, 09:51
As long as it ends with "... and then they resorted to cannibalism", you'll do just fine.

Maybe in book 2 mate.
Ginnoria
05-02-2007, 10:06
Terrible title I know, but for now it will suffice.

Inspired by a great Friend of mine, I have undertaken the most despised and aspired tasks an individual can undertake- writing a story. My dear clever, enlightened, and obnoxiously sarcastic NSers, I would much like too be so bold as too outline the stories overall plot. Any feedback would be appreciated, constructive criticism as well, all that ruff....

Patrick, our hero, is in service too the Ministry of Intelligence. The "First Prodigy" organization holds some 5000 Aushans (yes i am using my NS nation in the story) as hostages, in a remote island off the mainland coast. The organization claims too hold two Nuclear weapons. They are expected too be at 1300 strong, as they kill 2 hostages a day. But at first, their demands are vague and financially peripheral- Water, ice, food. Patrick is directly involved in the case, but cant find anywhere too fit in, too be an important factor in the crisis. That is, until he is acquainted by our "Great Patron" the highly prestigious "Royce Cischen" a Senator, who is Chairman of the "National Disaster Committee" He informs Patrick of the corrupt, financially bloated, and morally ambiguous remainder of the committee, that is 6 of them. Patrick is sent too investigate them, and long story short, accidental kills two of them at first, arrests 3 more, and delivers the last too Royce. Patrick is confident he has unraveled the mystery, the Senators he has neutralized sold the Nukes too the "Prodigy", therefore they posses the proper codes too disarm them. Patrick then learns that the other members of the committee who he has aided in their downfall, are accused of being captured by State Police, and committing suicide, Patrick is never mentioned. He approaches Royce, who arrests him. Patrick is charged with aiding Senator Bivelt (the last one he delivered too Royce) as an apprentice, aiding in the arms sale. He is sent too State Prison, and bunks with the Senator. The Senator informs him. ROyce sold the nukes. He had chaired the "State Military Munitions and technology" committee earlier in his career. He had stolen millions in State munitions, selling two warheads too a terrorist organization. It is here the "Prodigy" terrorists issue their demands- they want Royce too be the negotiator. Royce agrees on public television. Patrick and Bivelt agree that Royce is too detonate the nukes, killing the terrorists and civilians- for you see, when Royce sold the terrorists the nukes, he did not do so thinking they would attack his own State. Patrick knows this must be the evidence that can put Royce away. Patrick's friend in the state Police, "Captain Jarell" has him released, on a fake transfer order. Patrick now pleads his case too a state police Major, who is interested in the proposal, having disdain against Royce, for criticizing his forces scrutiny at city docks (which he uses to ship out his weapons, Royce that is) The Major gives Patrick the OK too search the docks for evidence. Patrick finds a barge. He downloads the course record in the computer room, with transaction evidence, Royces name, and a foreign royalist unrest organization, which the Barges arms are too be illegally shipped too. He escapes, but is followed by agents of Royce. They eventually catch him, and take back the disk, electing not too kill Patrick. Patrick returns with no evidence, and the Major is furious. He lets Patrick go free, and warns him too leave the royce affair be. Patrick pleads his case with the Chancellor eventually, who has had his suspicions. After another barge is searched, evidence is procured of Royces illegal activities. The Chancellor issues Royces death warrant, who is already on his way too the island. In a publicity stunt, he will show up, negotiate, and then obliterate the unknowing fanatics, destroyers all evidence of his involvement. Patrick rents a yacht, gets too the island, but is kept well away from the airport. He eventually dawns a navy uniform, and eventually gets close enough too Royce, too blast him in the chest with a few shots. Patrick is tackled, and sent back too prison. A trial ensues, Royce versus Patrick on the island. Patrick is in a navy court, and may face death. The Chancellors aide is en route too clear patricks actions, with the evidence. Royce survived the attack, and labels Patrick a foreign aggressor. Patrick is sentenced too death. Just in time, the aide bursts in, and has Royce arrested. Royce is linked too the nukes. Royce, after a brief interrogation reveals, that he has ordered the detonation of the warheads, though he does not reveal the identity of who will do the deed. Patrick recollects the man who would drive Patrick too his hits, when he was in service of Royce. Pat heads too the mainland, and tracks down the driver. The driver is in process of activating the nukes, when pat attacks him. He overcomes the attacker, but the suitcase flys out the window- the one that is capable of detonating the nukes....Do they explode? ......Ill let ya know....


So, what do you think of it so far? (Sorry for gramatical error, I have a terrible spell check program) The plot will be subject too massive overhaul of course, but is the idea vaguely intersting?

http://i66.photobucket.com/albums/h278/NazcaVisitor/lack_of_paragraphs.jpg
Similization
05-02-2007, 10:38
Erm, you need glasses mate?Nope. Why?If your stating the page is physically "unreadable" perhaps you should wipe the thick layer of grease off your monitorThat's not what I said. I simply tried to point out that I too find your lack of paragraphs disturbing.Go ahead and use the Kleenex that is undoubtibly next too your PC, that should help. ;)Toilet paper mate. Fuck Kleenex & similar useless, over expensive products. Alas, I don't have any at hand. Between the vid projector & girlfriend, it's not much use near the PC ;)
Ashmoria
05-02-2007, 19:36
you seem to have forgotten the sex.

no thriller is complete without SEX.

if its for school, then it can be reduced to romance.

it still has to be there.
New Ausha
06-02-2007, 02:40
Nope. Why?That's not what I said. I simply tried to point out that I too find your lack of paragraphs disturbing.Toilet paper mate. Fuck Kleenex & similar useless, over expensive products. Alas, I don't have any at hand. Between the vid projector & girlfriend, it's not much use near the PC ;)

Paragraphs can really be added by yourself if theu're THAT irratating.....Darth Vader scares me..... I'm sure your girlfriend loves being defined as your alternative too a box of Kleenex next too your pc....
New Ausha
06-02-2007, 02:41
you seem to have forgotten the sex.

no thriller is complete without SEX.

if its for school, then it can be reduced to romance.

it still has to be there.

Sex and romance are riddiculous at best, so i'd best avoid them.