NationStates Jolt Archive

Yep, you read correctly.
Ilaer is asking you to write your own obituary. Serious or comedic, I want you to write an account detailing your life in summary and death.

Mine?
You'll have to wait.

Ilaer

Pale Teenager Murdered by Pee Wee Herman

-In other news, Michael Moore is still a bloated communist.

Hideously deformed teen dies after seeing a thread on an internet forum demanding he write his own obituary.

The shock of the thread caused him to eat his own head.

Hideously deformed teen dies after seeing a thread on an internet forum demanding he write his own obituary.

The shock of the thread caused him to eat his own head.

Yay!
I made somone kill themselves...

@NewAusha:
Who's Michael Moore?

Ilaer

@NewAusha:
Who's Michael Moore?

Ilaer

Him. (http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Micheal_moore)

Lunatic Goofballs officially declared dead...

...after being missing for two years. He was last seen on a swamp stomping trip into a boggy section of land filled with mud and quicksand. He is survived by a wife and three teenaged children, who were recently in the news as suspects in an elaborate prank in which they allegedly filled the mayor's car with spray cheese. At his funeral, his wife is quoted as saying, "wherever he is, he probaly died happy."

:)

Drunk Commies died last Thursday of wounds suffered in a vicious attack by feral moths. He is survived by his dog Squeaky. Commies died as he lived, drunk. He will be remembered for his contributions to the field of cheap tabloid news and hardcore slacking. Funeral will be held in Bill's Olde Tavern. The family requests no flowers, but donations may be made in his honor to the Jim Beam and Laird and company distilleries.

Den [datum] dog [mitt namn]. Enligt hans egen övertygelse äger ingen minnesstund rum, däremot uppmanas de som känner behov av en saknadsgest att donera en summa i hans namn till Läkare utan gränser/Médecins sans frontières.

Twelve Year Old Girl Explodes after excessive "Twister" playing..
Popular Board Game kills Orlzenheimerness...Explosion seen miles around...Everybody is sad...Day Named After Her...National Hero...Merchandise...Big Hollywood Movie...

Yay!
I made somone kill themselves...

@NewAusha:
Who's Michael Moore?

Ilaer

Michael Moore is an American political pundit--I think--who thrives on stirring up controversy whereever he goes, such as with his infamous Farehnheit 9/11 "documentary" or Bowling for Columbine, a "documentary" about the tragedy at the Littleton, Colorado school in which two students murdered twelve others and one teacher back in 1999. (And if he dares to make a documentary about the second Colorado school tragedy at Platte Canyon--the one where I and my siblings went to, my siblings having been there the day of the event, including one in the very room seized by the hostage taker--I will be very angry, to say the least.)

And before anyone shouts at me, I'm no Bushevik. Quite the opposite in fact. I'm just actually intelligent, unlike Moore.

Mars Colony 6 - 3244

The solar system's oldest cyborg, Gartref of Cydonia, passed away today. He is survived by his pleasure-bots; Keira, Gwyneth and Milla. Services will be held at the Shakey's Pizza on Heinlein avenue.

Well, the first thing that sprang to mind was the HST quote, "too weird to live, too rare to die", but upon further thought, not sure how well that works as an obituary. Certainly not as funny as some others, but oh well. Another one I like, that I seem to remember picking up on NS ages ago, 'obesa cantavit' - the fat lady has sung. Makes me smile every time!

Deus Malum reported dead after consuming a lethal quantity of nodos.

Deus Malum reported dead after consuming a lethal quantity of nodos.

What the hell is nodos?

"Local Man Found Dead in Bar"

What the hell is nodos?

Caffein pills.

Pasty Teen Fucks Up Jack-In-The-Box; Dies After Becoming Wealthy Businessman

Caffeine pills.

Ahh. Thanks.

Imperial isa today was officially declared dead after being missing for fours years after he was last seen entering Africa arm to the teeth, he was all so want for the killing of all of his family after they drive him nuts

Ahh. Thanks.

You snooty thing you.

2239 AD, Enceladus: The biological form of Vetalia officially died when his brain was deactivated following successful mind uploading to his newly constructed systems core on Encleadus. Also uploaded were several of his closest friends and his wife.

In a unique legal twist, he willed his entire estate to himself, arguing that he was technically both alive and dead at the same time. The "Schrödinger Clause" made this loophole in to an official law shortly thereafter.

Yep, you read correctly.
Ilaer is asking you to write your own obituary. Serious or comedic, I want you to write an account detailing your life in summary and death.

Mine?
You'll have to wait.

Ilaer

Teenager died of lack of activity

His family showed no interest in a funeral, so he is to be cremated.

A dashingly handsome youth was killed by the Triads in a hail of gunfire after screwing a Triad boss's sister. He is survived by a stoned Irish Wolfhound and half a pack of Camel Turkish Gold cigarettes. Donations can be made wherever cigarettes are sold.

Infinite Revolution, self-confessed slacker, recovering functional alocholic, wanted criminal, generally nice guy, dies following post-dissertation drugs and alcohol binge. he died where he lived for much of his life, besides the preceding 3 months, flat on his back in a pub. the funeral, organised by his mother, is to held at the local anglican church, although IR himself is said to be boycotting the event for religious reasons. a medium has confirmed that all true friends of IR should make sure his body is burnt and scattered on the shore of the nearest body of water and that no prayers should be uttered at this point, or else he's going to haunt you til you take them back. IR refuses to trust his soul to anyone. He is survived by his friends and family, almost all of them in fact. donations can be made to his sister who is skint.

H N Fiddlebottoms VIII froze to death on Sunday while attempting to walk 40 blocks home in freezing weather. He might have survived, had he not been such a cheap-ass moron who wouldn't just ride the goddamned subway like a normal person.
He is survived by his DVD collection and coffee maker, both of which will doubtless have been stolen by his filthy grasping relatives by now.

Pure Metal

- gave up on life

They said it couldn't be done, but Kamsaki proved them wrong. After years of a reclusive life in research isolated from his family and friends, the 30 year-old Englishman became the first ever fully digital human being, having broken down his physical form and uploaded himself onto his laptop. This new technology is expected to completely change every aspect of human existence, from recreation and living standards to medicine and transport. The process to rematerialise has also been sketched and a proof-of-concept model developed. However, it has not yet been tested; Kamsaki was, unfortunately, regarded by his personal computer as a highly potent virus and thus promptly deleted. Hopes on restoring him from the data segments encoded onto its hard-drive were shattered when the engineer assigned to the task spilled beer onto the disk platters, thereby corrupting what remained of him.

His astranged wife intends to raise charges for First-degree murder against the Symantec Corporation.

Fred*: Dead.



*Not actually my name. It shall be changed posthumously, for the sole purpose of allowing my obituary to read "Fred: Dead".

"died crashing his Koenigsegg CCX into a speedcamera and a petrol tanker, creating a fireball seen for mile"

for any one who wants to wittness this crash, im planning in hit the speed camera on the A140 in Coddenham (Suffolk, England, UK)

Chandelier found strangled and crushed by chandelier in cellars, still smiling

She was found thus with her time/go into fictional stories machine 24 hours after setting out to find the Phantom of the Opera.

Mrwho found dead in his bathroom after his failed attempt to emulate Jesus by walking on the water in his bathtub. Apparently Mrwho was drunk at the time as during one of his attempts he slipped inside the bathtub accidentally knocking a plugged in toaster into the tub thus electrocuting himself.

He is survived by his mother, father and two brothers who will now finally each have a room for themselves seeing as how Mrwho no longer has any need for his old bedroom.

14 year old teenager found dead in a river. Cause of death was electricution. A strange looking machine was found near him, which consisted of a lemon, a fork, and wires to connect the two.

(My experimentation WILL eventually kill me)

Catalasia was officially declared dead after having been reported missing for more than 4.37 x 10^-8 seconds. Hopes at bringing Catalasia back are low, and as per his/her/its request he/she/it is being shipped back to Fermilab.

IRC users will get this

Maraque was found in several thousand pieces inside a freezer in San Francisco.

A 15 year old teenage girl was found dead on the roof of Fundietown* Middle School. No cause of death is known, though she was near a large message that referenced godesses, pancakes, "NationStates General", and something called "fluffles". She is survived by her family and friends, two cats, and a dog.

*changed to protect its own hellish identity

Found yesterday was the ash of a teenager who spontaneously combusted after hooking himself up to a self-created supercomputer and uploading his mind into the internet.

Due to the body suddenly bursting into flames, the computer malfunctioned and turned his conciousness into a malignant virus, which then infiltrated several computers in Washington, D.C. and Moscow, lanching several hundred nuclear-tipped ICBMs at France. Afterwards, he was canonized by Pope Benedict XVI and declared a god by all 1337h4xx0rz, who worship his presence in the intertubes as InterGod, Lord of pwn, and celebrate as he brings his 1337 justice upon the n00b.

A man was killed today while tryin to push a live cow with a video camera strapped to its head out of an aeroplane which was cruising at around 5000 feet. the details of the incident are still unknown.

Yep, you read correctly.
Ilaer is asking you to write your own obituary. Serious or comedic, I want you to write an account detailing your life in summary and death.

Mine?
You'll have to wait.

Ilaer

Johnny B Goode
- Died in sleep.
- Will be cremated with nobody watching.

No one beats Spike Milligan's one though.

"I told you I was ill."

Never saw the puppet strings.

Girl looking like creepy little girl from The Ring died. Never turn on your TV again.

Girl looking like creepy little girl from The Ring died. Never turn on your TV again.

OMG! IT'S YOU!

"His last words were "Oh shit, that was a bomb? I guess I shouldn't have eaten it. My advice would be that you back up around that corner, it's not my fault if your new suit gets ruined.""

Catalasia was officially declared dead after having been reported missing for more than 4.37 x 10^-8 seconds. Hopes at bringing Catalasia back are low, and as per his/her/its request he/she/it is being shipped back to Fermilab.

IRC users will get this

I use IRC and don't get it.

--Skydiver's parachute malfunctions, falls on old lady and crushes her--

OMG! IT'S YOU!
Yes, it is me. You'd better hope I never die, or else you'll never watch television again.

I'm not dead, I'm just ignoring you

i'm going to try again;

Peter Gillman died to day in a horrible car crash,afe 24 his last words where. "Here hold my beer, i'm gonna try something"

IT'S YOU!

How are you gentlemen?

God has left the building.
...guess not, but at least I tried...

I use IRC and don't get it.

You obviously don't use the right channels. :p

How are you gentlemen?

All your base are belong to us. You will have no chance to survive make your time. Ha ha ha ha... damn that gets old fast.

Utracia found dead in front of computer. Apparently, he read a particulary stupid n00bish-type post of impassable ignorance and his brain exploded as he simply couldn't believe what he was reading.

Funeral information listed below for any who give a damn.

17 years old teenager found dead after she wrote her own obituary.
.....
Fricken emo teenagers, all dressed in black and speaking of death! All of 'em! I tell you, in my time young people weren't like this! They weren't listening to crazy music and wearing crazy clothes and talking all crazy. -and they had some respect towards their elders. Teens have no respect for their elders. Lil' scums, Humbug!

All your base are belong to us. You will have no chance to survive make your time. Ha ha ha ha... damn that gets old fast.

Oldest meme evar. :p

25-year old man died today. His last words were "well, I'll finally get God to explain me a few things..." in a bitter tone.

I haven't done anything of note to really warrant a serious obituary. I just woke up, so i'll pass on attempting a humorous one, too.

Oldest meme evar. :p

Your post just made me lose the game.

Girl looking like creepy little girl from The Ring died. Never turn on your TV again.

Get back in that damn well!

*smacks with broom*

Catalasia was officially declared dead after having been reported missing for more than 4.37 x 10^-8 seconds. Hopes at bringing Catalasia back are low, and as per his/her/its request he/she/it is being shipped back to Fermilab.

IRC users will get this

Is that a ping joke?

Get back in that damn well!

*smacks with broom*
Brooms don't work with me. Sorry, Ruffy. You're going to have to up your weaponry.

Brooms don't work with me. Sorry, Ruffy. You're going to have to up your weaponry.

You're no match for my LIGHTER OF DOOOOOOOM!!!

You're no match for my LIGHTER OF DOOOOOOOM!!!
*looks at tiny lighter*

Feh.

*continues to study her own nails in disinterest*

*looks at tiny lighter*

Feh.

*continues to study her own nails in disinterest*

*sets La Dame on fire*

Oh this chocolate is so good!

*sets La Dame on fire*

Oh this chocolate is so good!
*runs outside into pouring rain*

*gets a cold*

*sneezes*

*runs outside into pouring rain*

*gets a cold*

*sneezes*

*is teh win*

*is teh win*
*gives cold to Ruffy*

*gives cold to Ruffy*

*gladly uses as a reason to stay home from school*

Thank you!

*gladly uses as a reason to stay home from school*

Thank you!
You're welcome. Now give me some chocolate.

Aspiring chemical engineer who apparently deluded himself into thinking that he was also a writer found dead (confirmed dead/reported missing). (From here, there are three directions)

He was found with a bottle of cognac, a glass with a small spoon and a half eaten barbecue chicken pizza. Judging by the apparent suicide note, with many crossings out, the almost illegible handwriting was deciphered to read "What the shit people." Attempts to shoot himself were apparently hampered by his inebriation so much that an irritated roommate finished the job.

In a furious attempt to finish his laboratory work, Connor managed to completely level the laboratory building and several surrounding structures. His last words were reported by surviving lab partners to be "I think you should handle it. My hands shake a bit."

Connor, after apparently becoming extremely [sic] "pissed at the stupid people" went on a rampage that has left several hundred dead. Barricading himself in Northwestern Airline's corporate headquarters/the damn stir fry place that makes me violently ill every time, even if I don't eat the food/the asshat's who put the damn pepper sauce in everything at the super bowl party's mother's house, Connor, after apparently strapping a 4 inch thick armor plate to his chest and wielding automags in either hand, by sheer force of will lifted himself and rose to face the onslaught of police and stupid people. He apparently took many hits to exposed regions, but was so pissed off that he kept firing. After his arms, legs and head were blown off, the corpse flopped around a while spraying goo on people who were sensitive to that sort of thing.

"Local Man Found Dead in Bar"
And you killed him?:rolleyes:
--------------------------
Take your pick from here (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=434806&pp=15).

You're welcome. Now give me some chocolate.

*gives La Dame chocolate (http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y79/Goomg/newcam/vvvvvvv472.jpg)*

*gives La Dame chocolate (http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y79/Goomg/newcam/vvvvvvv472.jpg)*
*drools*


*drools some more*



*goes downstairs to get chocolate*

And you killed him?:rolleyes:

http://forums.avault.com/images/smilies/slap.gif

*drools*


*drools some more*



*goes downstairs to get chocolate*

*steals your uni applications*

*steals your uni applications*
I never thought you wanted to go into Waterloo Engineering! Are you sure you can take the fulltime physics and calculus courses? :eek:

I never thought you wanted to go into Waterloo Engineering! Are you sure you can take the fulltime physics and calculus courses? :eek:

Of course! I just love math!

Of course! I just love math!
What's 1+1, Ruffy?

What's 1+1, Ruffy?

Well it's 7, duh..

Well it's 7, duh..
Waterloo will love you.

Waterloo will love you.

I'll be sumo cum latte. :p Yes, I am trying to be an idiot.

http://forums.avault.com/images/smilies/slap.gif
Is that how you killed him?:eek:

Is that how you killed him?:eek:

Perhaps..

I'll be sumo cum latte. :p Yes, I am trying to be an idiot.
When aren't you not trying to be an idiot?

When aren't you not trying to be an idiot?

Don't you just love my flag?!

Don't you just love my flag?!
If by "love", you mean "extremely creeped out", then yes. Along with the nation motto and everything. :rolleyes:

If by "love", you mean "extremely creeped out", then yes. Along with the nation motto and everything. :rolleyes:

Blame Posi. :)

Blame Posi. :)
I blame both him and you.

I blame both him and you.

But I didn't do anything... :(

I'm going to bed, but possibly cry about how I fail at life first..

But I didn't do anything... :(

I'm going to bed, but possibly cry about how I fail at life first..
Have fun!

/invisible text

Who? Never heard of him.

Marco I, Grand Duke of Risottia, disappeared in space one month ago as his prototype starship, the "Galileo Galilei", fired its warp engines and vanished from the Solar System. As His Highness failed to report back to Earth in 30 days, he is presumed dead. An official day of mourning will be held throughout Risottia, with free wine and sausages for everybody at all restaurants, as specified in His Highness' testament.

Oldest meme evar. :p
hence, my point. /thread
Is that a ping joke?
Partly; also because I use as my IRC nick the name of a subatomic particle. Eh, whatever.

FEB. 10, 2065 - Charles Kennison* of Phoenix, AZ died suddenly Tuesday evening at 8:14 PM at home. He is survived by his wife of 58 years, who reports that he died while watching his beloved hockey team, the Detroit Red Wings, take on blood rival Colorado, and his last words were, "For the love of God, refs, call a damn penalty!" He is also survived by four dogs, a border collie-Australian shppherd mix, a Labrador retriever, a Great Dane, and a Scottish terrier who was said to be "the boss," as well as two cats, a brow tabby and a 61-year-old Siamese cat who was said to weigh more than any human despite living entirely off of catnip.

Kennison was described as a rather opinionated son-of-a-bitch, and he personally called up the last oil company executive to laugh at him after petroleum reserves completely dried up in 2029. He had no children but was close to a boy next door whose father was always out of town on business; the boy grew up to be a goalie in the NHL and a hell of a model citizen and said he owed a lot of it to his "Uncle Chuck*." Kennison also served two terms on the Glendale City Council and ran unsuccessfully for the mayor's office of Phoenix twice, once using the campaign slogan, "Because All The Other Options Suck."

Funeral services will be held on Friday for Kennison; his organs will be donated, and his brain will be preserved in a jar for experimentation. No word on if he has been reincarnated yet as a spoiled house dog, as was his wish.

* - my name isn't really Charles Kennison, but it probably should be

"Best Forgotten"

(Yes, I know, that's an epitath, not an obituary...)

I never expected such a good response, although about a third of posts were by Ladamesansmerci and Ruffy (I can call you that, right? Right?) using spoiler text.
Thanks for keeping the thread alive! It's my first one to do so...

Anyway:

Found hanging in his bedroom on 14th February, Daniel Rhodes-Mumby is thought to have suffered from serious depression intermittently for many years following his realisation that all humans, especially but not limited to most Americans [excluding the ones on this forum ;)], were absolute idiots.
Surrounding him were many attempts at, amongst many other mathematical problems, the quadrature of the circle, the duplication of the cube, the trisecting of an angle, attempts to alternately calculate pi (the results of which were accurate to some five hundred thousand long-scale billion billion decimal places) and prove that pi equalled 3.
Also amongst the many papers were calculations of the square root of two and many theories about the nature of existence, the Universe, numbers and, for some reason, two hundred and twenty three poems despairing of computers, life, cheese and the Moon.
It is also known that he planned the full course of World War III and devised several methods to destroy humanity, the Earth, the Sun and, indeed, the entire galaxy, all using current technology.
He died as he lived: an insane genius.
He will, obviously, not be missed.

Ilaer

"Better Dead than Bushevik."

'On Augsut 6th, HC eredivisie died after the Jolt-forums were down for at least ten minutes. He leaves behind two fish and a Dutch Topic.

May NSG have mercy on his soul.'

Soviestan died today after jumping off an business building with an apparent shotgun wound to the head and a drug overdose. However his cause of death was hanging as on the way down his tie got caught on a light post. He leaves behind on one.

Yes, it is me. You'd better hope I never die, or else you'll never watch television again.

I don't watch it anyways.

*kills in a gruesome fashion*

When aren't you not trying to be an idiot?
I assumed it came naturally and he was always trying not to be.

Kensington - Robert Smith* was found dead today in his London flat when his corpses was found liquidated in some sort of large blender. Attached was a note, which read:

Congratulations! If you're reading this, you have just stumbled about my liquidated body. I placed some ice and some fruit in here with my body, and it would be most appreciated if you could serve me as some sort of beverage to unsuspecting gridiron fans, I'd appreciate it. Serves those ************ right.

*Not real name.

I never expected such a good response, although about a third of posts were by Ladamesansmerci and Ruffy (I can call you that, right? Right?) using spoiler text.
Thanks for keeping the thread alive! It's my first one to do so...
You're welcome. :p
I don't watch it anyways.

*kills in a gruesome fashion*
Lucky for you that I don't feel very murderous today. I'll let you go.
I assumed it came naturally and he was always trying not to be.
You know, that actually makes sense. I think I just gained respect for you. :p

Schplah's body has been found today in his basement in front of the computer. It is believed that he spontaniously combusted while typing a report for school, the evidence for this is his charred remains and the sentence "Holy freaking crap I'm on fire" typed on his computer. Also found were day old Swiss Cake Rolls and an unopened package of Oreo cookies.

Schplah's body has been found today in his basement in front of the computer. It is believed that he spontaniously combusted while typing a report for school, the evidence for this is his charred remains and the sentence "Holy freaking crap I'm on fire" typed on his computer. Also found were day old Swiss Cake Rolls and an unopened package of Oreo cookies.

Oh my god! You didn't even have time to eat the Swiss rolls!
:(
No-one can resist Swiss rolls...

At least you died before you had to hand that report in. I've got about a tonne of coursework to do. *grumble mutter whinge and so on and so forth*

Ilaer

he lived, he dreamed, the world chainged, often not as he would have had it to, one of those changes was the personal computer and the internet, which only existed in his dreams when he was born. he died sitting in front of it. mostly happy and greatful for at least some of what he had seen in his life.

he also lived to see other changes he was much less happy about.
he saw several wars and relatively short lived tyrannies come and go.
but the idiologies that made them possible were much slower in dying
and this was the one thing he was bitterest and least happy about.
not so much the idiolgies themselves but the blind fanatacism of people to them.

he saw things that were believed impossible when he was born be mightilly accompleshed, and then dismissed as meaningless, disreguarded and all but forgotten. and this in the relatively short span of his own lifetime.

his greatest feeling of loss was at the near total abondonment for a time, of the railways and even the very concept of guideway based transportation.

doubly ironic to him that at the same time awairness of the natural environment and of how dependent human life was on its well being at the same time.

he leaves a legacy only of dreams, and of his feeble attempts to illustrate them in the form, mostly of computer generated immages, and his commentary on a diversity of online forums.

=^^=
.../\...

Hmmm... Come on people! Post!
Let's have an obituary for everyone in NSG, yes?

Ilaer

Mine may read: "Died Happy Despite Best Efforts"

Oh my god! You didn't even have time to eat the Swiss rolls!
:(
No-one can resist Swiss rolls...

At least you died before you had to hand that report in. I've got about a tonne of coursework to do. *grumble mutter whinge and so on and so forth*

Ilaer

i wanna swiss roll so bad...and theres none in this house!
grr.
i think that should be my epitaph now that i think about it:
"Grr."

Mine may read: "Died Happy Despite Best Efforts"

:eek:

A mod!

:eek:

A mod!

So?

So?

Mods can't die.
Everyone knows you traded favours of whatever kind NSG can think up to both get your position as mod and, into the bargain, immortality. Don't deny it; we all saw you. We peeked through the admin's keyhole.

Will this get me banned? Please don't say yes...

Ilaer