NationStates Jolt Archive

hehe those are funny. :)

my dad has some classic stories from when he was an air traffic controller. wish i could remember them :(

i've got my glider wings, and i have about 20 hours on single engined planes. doubt i'll ever get my licence though.

heh....not that I am a pilot although I do know how to fly single engined planes...and reckon at a push could manage a twin...but don't ask me about navigation!

Anyway...as they say...there are old pilots...and bold pilots...but there are no old bold pilots...so in honour to pilot humour...

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

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"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm
@!%&*#!! bored!"

Ground Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was @!%&*#!! bored, not @!%&*#!! stupid!"

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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll
out after touching down.

San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the
end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the
Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return
to the airport."

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A military pilot called for a priority landing because his
single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Control told
the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that
had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The
dreaded seven-engine approach."

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Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich
overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak
English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war."

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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,
after we lifted off we
saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702,
contact Departure on
frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and
yes, we copied Eastern...we've already notified our caterers."

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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold
short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed,
rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some
quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,
"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with
a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like
yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

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Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned
as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to
know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any
assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am
747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground
control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not
been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,......
and I didn't land."

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Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US
Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came
nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller
lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the
**** are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway!
You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for
you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: "***! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take
forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I
tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about
half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I
tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the
ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the
verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody
wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current
state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was
definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,
asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

hehe those are funny. :)

Yeah...kudos to Pravda (blokey from a different site..)

When I was living at Camp New Amsterdam (home of 32nd Tactical Fighter Sq....based in the Netherlands...multiple winners of the Hughes Cup) I was told a story about a CAP training session that went slightly wrong....the plane pulling the drone did not realise that his plane did not release the tow cable...and came into land...demolishing half the Dutch landscape and several houses...

Of course being a young lad I fell for it hook line and sinker LOL

Yeah ... I especially like the "Because you lost the bloody war" one. "Wasn't I married to you once?" was funny, too.

LMAO those were too funny. I must admitt tho, I'm not a pilot but i have taken lessons in several different single engine planes and can take off and land but i have still not aquirred my lisence as of yet.

Best thing I ever heard a pilot say:
Cascade Approach: Ready to end your day and enjoy a cold one?
Pilot: My day is already over. Eight inches from bottle to throttle.

One day my father and I were on a long flight fighting strong headwinds. Since we had to make a couple unscheduled stops for fuel, we just dropped IFR and went to VFR (clear sky, just strong winds).

A couple hours of creeping in with a ground speed of around 30 miles an hour, some heavy cloud cover came in. We were only about 20 minutes away from our destination but ground was on our case about poor visibility and wanted us to land immediately. We demurred saying we had visibility and were not far off, but he was having none of it. He demanded to know what kind of visibility we thought we had, and I, being able to make out the sun in the haze, chirped back “About 93 million miles”.

One day my father and I were on a long flight fighting strong headwinds. Since we had to make a couple unscheduled stops for fuel, we just dropped IFR and went to VFR (clear sky, just strong winds).

A couple hours of creeping in with a ground speed of around 30 miles an hour, some heavy cloud cover came in. We were only about 20 minutes away from our destination but ground was on our case about poor visibility and wanted us to land immediately. We demurred saying we had visibility and were not far off, but he was having none of it. He demanded to know what kind of visibility we thought we had, and I, being able to make out the sun in the haze, chirped back “About 93 million miles”.

LOL I bet the ATC's appreciated that ;)