NationStates Jolt Archive

Well I'm not really good at making funny jokes up off the top of my head but i have some that may spark a laugh.

But why stop there... people tell the world your jokes so we can laugh at or with you.

people usually pay to hear my jokes you got $18 US?

Heres one I liked:

Theres a guy that just got this really sweet sports car. he drives it around the same streets and shows off to the people walk. he drives around the block about 5 times and some guys stop him. they take him out of the car and draw a circle in the dirt and say,

"you leave the circle and we will kick you butox"

They get some hammers and bats and start distroying the car. they look back and see the guy laughing. they keep on attacking the car and look back but the guy now is about to colapse on the ground he is laughing so hard. one guy goes up to him and askes.

"Why you laughing? we just kill your new car."

He answers:

"I stepped out of the circle 11 times."

people usually pay to hear my jokes you got $18 US?

funny...

people usually pay to hear my jokes you got $18 US?

can we pay you in cookies?

*thinks about my funny*

My funny's pretty funny sometimes, I suppose. What about your funny? Perhaps you think you're funny?

can we pay you in cookies?
nope
funny...
it's true.

Most of my funny comments are funny by themselves, but some of my other comments are funny because of timing.

A simple "fuck you!" said at the right time can get everyone laughing.

A simple "fuck you!" said at the right time can get everyone laughing.

True

A simple "fuck you!" said at the right time can get everyone laughing.
And yet using it as a sexual suggestion to strangers ("Fuck you?") doesn't seem to work...

People often say the essence of good humour is timing. This isn't entirely true, though timing does certainly have an effect. No, the art of making people laugh boils down essentially to the ability to surprise. Sometimes, it's simply a matter of putting a new perspective on a mundane experience, sometimes it's a completely unexpected explosion from nowhere, but it's all about catching people off guard in just the right ways.

It's rather difficult to surprise someone who anticipates being surprised, which is why jokes on demand tend not to work very well. Generally, it's best if you start with the mundane, or with a familiar background, then allow others or yourself to create tangents on that, to build on the topic and push it in new and unusual directions.

However, it needs to start somewhere, and I can think of no more familiar background than yo' momma, biatch.

[Any phrase] + "...if you know what I mean..." = Hilarity


When you're with the right crowd, anyway.

[Any phrase] + "...if you know what I mean..." = Hilarity


When you're with the right crowd, anyway.
Drunk guys?

[Any phrase] + "...if you know what I mean..." = Hilarity


When you're with the right crowd, anyway.

It works well with drunks. And engineers.

and no one said a joke yet...

Drunk guys?

That's what she said!

So a guy walks into a bar, holding a leash. The barkeep sees the leash and follows it out the door and says, "Thats the ugliest dog I ever saw, but I bet my pit bull can whip it." So the guy walks his dog around back and in a minute the pit bull has its face completely ripped off. Another patron of the bar says, "My mastiff'll make short work of him." And he brings his mastiff into the pen and before it can strike the guy's dog rips one of the mastiff's legs off and it runs away hobbling. The barkeep says, "What the hell kind of dog you got there?"

"Well," The guy says. "Until I cut his tail off and painted him purple he was the same breed as every other alligator."

Brian: OK, Insert rod support A into slot B.

Peter: That's what...

Brian: f you say "That's what she said" one more time, I am gonna pop you.

Ah, Family Guy. Gone are the blissful days where I could watch that without thinking "MANATEES MANATEES MANATEES MANATEES MANATEES MANATEES MANATEES MANATEES MANATEES MANATEES MANATEES MANATEES MANATEES MANATEES MANATEES MANATEES MANATEES MANATEES MANATEES MANATEES MANATEES MANATEES MANATEES MANATEES MANATEES MANATEES MANATEES MANATEES MANATEES MANATEES MANATEES MANATEES MANATEES MANATEES MANATEES MANATEES MANATEES MANATEES MANATEES MANATEES MANATEES MANATEES MANATEES MANATEES MANATEES MANATEES MANATEES MANATEES MANATEES MANATEES MANATEES MANATEES MANATEES MANATEES MANATEES MANATEES MANATEES MANATEES MANATEES MANATEES MANATEES " incessantly. :(

what's long, green, and always points to the north?

magnetic cucumber.

People say I'm funny... Then we stop talking about my looks...

I am 100% unfunny.

How do you justify abortion?

Only the good die young.

Most of my humour is harsh and observational.

Most of my humour is harsh and observational.

...and not that funny to begin with.

people usually pay to hear my jokes you got $18 US?
I have $36NZ is that acceptable?
-------------------
An Irishman a Welshman and a Chinaman are all on their first day of work at a Construction site.
The Foreman comes over to the 3 of them and says, Welshman see that pile of rubble over there, i want you to move it to over there.

Irishman i wont you to get that pile of dirt and sweep it out of the way.

Now Chinaman you are in charge of supplies, if those 2 need something you get it for them.

I'm going to be busy so i'll see how you get on at the end of the day.



When the Foreman returned the first thing he saw was the rubble still piled up then he noticed the pile of dirt, he went over to the Irishman and the Welshman and asked why havent you done the work i asked of you?
Both replied they would have but the Chinaman didn't give us a broom or shovel.

The Foreman couldn't see the Chinaman anywhere.
Where is the blasted Chinaman? he exclaimed.

At that point from behind the pile of rubble out jumps the Chinaman and he shouts Suprises!

...

...and not that funny to begin with.
Kanabia is that you?
i.e. Puppet Alert!

Two Irish guys are sitting across from each other in a bar. "Where you from?" The one shouts.

"I'm from Ireland." He replies.

"Really? Me too. Where in Ireland?"

"Ulster."

"Really? Me too."

"Yeah. And my grandfather died in the Easter Rising."

"Mine too!" The two are laughing and telling stories of Ireland when a police officer here's the noise and walks in and says to the barkeep. "These guys causing too much trouble?"

"No its no problem." The barkeep says. "The McManus brothers are drunk again."

A Pirate with a ship's wheel on the front of it's pants walks into a bar. He orders a beer and sit on a stool. A Bar Patron walks up to the Pirate and ask him "Why is there a wheel attach to your pants?" The Pirate reply "Arrgghh it's driving me nuts!"

The Lone Ranger was riding out alone when he was captured by Indians. They tied him up, took him back to their camp, and brought him before their chief.

"So, you are the famous Lone Ranger," said the chief. "well, you are well-known as a brave man, but now you are our prisoner. In three days you will be sacrificed to the Great Spirit at our harvest festival. Between now and then, we will grant you three wishes. What is your first wish?"

"I'd like to speak with my horse." said the Lone Ranger. So Silver was brought to his tent, the Lone Ranger whispered in the horse's ear, and Silver took off like a shot. A few hours later, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde on his back. The girl is taken to the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night there.

The next morning, the chief says to the Lone Ranger "That is very impressive that you are so in tune with your horse, but it will not save you. You must still be sacrificed. For now, what is your second wish?"

"I'd like to speak with my horse again." said the Lone Ranger. The horse was once again brought to him, he whispered in the horse's ear, and again Silver takes off and is soon lost to sight. A few hours later, he returns with a brunette on his back, even more beautiful than the blonde from the night before. The girl is taken tot the Lone Ranger's tent, and they soend the night together.

The next morning, the chief said to the Lone Ranger "That is truly amazing. You are surely a great man, but you mst still be sacrificed. Now, what is your last wish?"

"I'd like to speak to my horse ALONE." said the Lone Ranger.

The horse is broght to him, and they are left alone. The Lone Ranger grabs Silver's ear, pulls the horse close to him and says "Now, listen very carefully this time. I want you to bring me a POSSE! P-O-S-S-E!"

It's "you're" not "your".. My God you people annoy me.

Two Irish guys are sitting across from each other in a bar. "Where you from?" The one shouts.

"I'm from Ireland." He replies.

"Really? Me too. Where in Ireland?"

"Ulster."

"Really? Me too."

"Yeah. And my grandfather died in the Easter Rising."

"Mine too!" The two are laughing and telling stories of Ireland when a police officer here's the noise and walks in and says to the barkeep. "These guys causing too much trouble?"

"No its no problem." The barkeep says. "The McManus brothers are drunk again."

Lol :D

my funniest moments tend to be one-liners. quite often i will say something deliberately that could be innocent or funny depending on how you look at it but people always assume i'm innocent so they end up taking credit for the joke when they see the funny side first. bah!

Okay, so this family walks into an audition for a talent show...