NationStates Jolt Archive

Oh shit, I should totally stay away from my first girlfriend's blog.

It kinda sucks that I'm still in love with her even if I haven't seen her in close to 5 years. And it's not that I'm incapable of moving on, or anything, it's just...still painful somehow. How wild is that?

Not to be weepy emo. I just stumbled on her blog and I got overwhelmed, and since my roommate is asleep I had to share with someone.

Say Hi. It'll either result in you becoming friends again or send you into a rapid downward spiral of shame, regret, and repressed emotions culminating in you becoming an alcoholic and spending your misery filled days building model buildings out of playing cards. Or she'll freak out and ignore you.

What have you got to lose?

Oh shit, I should totally stay away from my first girlfriend's blog.

It kinda sucks that I'm still in love with her even if I haven't seen her in close to 5 years. And it's not that I'm incapable of moving on, or anything, it's just...still painful somehow. How wild is that?

Not to be weepy emo. I just stumbled on her blog and I got overwhelmed, and since my roommate is asleep I had to share with someone.

Not wild at all. And not emo, either. It's just how feelings work.
My ex broke up with me nearly a year ago, and I find myself starting to coming to terms with just now, bit by bit. I avoid to touch anything that I mentally connected to him, which is quite a lot. But an accidental discovery of an old mail of a pic can still bring me down.

Having a new relationship helps, though. It's a bit of a stabiliser for me, and I think it's what is making it possible for me to sort my memories bit by bit now and move on.

Say Hi. It'll either result in you becoming friends again or send you into a rapid downward spiral of shame, regret, and repressed emotions culminating in you becoming an alcoholic and spending your misery filled days building model buildings out of playing cards. Or she'll freak out and ignore you.

What have you got to lose?

Oh I said hi a couple days ago, but I didn't bother to read her blog. (It's myspace, sigh) and she's totally ignored me.

Which is fine.

Meany.

Hmm. Exs are tough, yeah. Something I really regret is sleeping with mine for about a month or so after we broke up. As for you. Five years is really quite some time and if you're still in love with her, well, perhaps that's unhealthy?

Not wild at all. And not emo, either. It's just how feelings work.
My ex broke up with me nearly a year ago, and I find myself starting to coming to terms with just now, bit by bit. I avoid to touch anything that I mentally connected to him, which is quite a lot. But an accidental discovery of an old mail of a pic can still bring me down.

Having a new relationship helps, though. It's a bit of a stabiliser for me, and I think it's what is making it possible for me to sort my memories bit by bit now and move on.

I know whatcha mean. I guess part of the problem with fully moving on is we had so many firsts together. First meaningful kisses, first girlfriend, we lost our virginity together. First love, and all that. Of course she's mega beautiful and stuff, that doesn't help the moving on.

Anyway, I've always kinda assumed I'd always love her, to some degree. Maybe I should make sure I've rid myself of everything involving her. I was just in a relationship that ended poorly.
...

I just need to get out of the house, I think, haha.

Hmm. Exs are tough, yeah. Something I really regret is sleeping with mine for about a month or so after we broke up. As for you. Five years is really quite some time and if you're still in love with her, well, perhaps that's unhealthy?

I agree that five years is unhealthy, but I don't actively pine every day or anything. Sometimes memories come up and I get emotional, is all. I figured it was at least mostly healthy given the nature of our relationship.

I know whatcha mean. I guess part of the problem with fully moving on is we had so many firsts together. First meaningful kisses, first girlfriend, we lost our virginity together. First love, and all that. Of course she's mega beautiful and stuff, that doesn't help the moving on.

Anyway, I've always kinda assumed I'd always love her, to some degree. Maybe I should make sure I've rid myself of everything involving her. I was just in a relationship that ended poorly.
...

I just need to get out of the house, I think, haha.

Yep, sounds a lot like my own situation....

Get out of the house. Find something else to do.
You need to get your mind of things first for a while. And then, when you've got a bit of mental distance, that's when you can start coming to terms with it all. That's how it worked for me, anyway.

Meh. Starting another relationship with another person while you're still getting over you ex, is in my opinion, quite selfish. Imagine how that other person might feel if they found out that you were still longing over your previous partner. Even still, a relationship like that is unhealthy.

Perhaps you might want to start by closing the gates on that person in your life. No amount of wishing will ever bring them back, nor will actually feeling the pain of their loss. Of course, its still okay to feel upset... but when you come to the point of saying 'Okay, its time to move on...', you will really see the results of being able to rise above the grief you have for that person.

You have plenty of other things to look forward to, plus plenty of other partners. Today can be the first day of the rest of your life... live it!

I agree that five years is unhealthy, but I don't actively pine every day or anything. Sometimes memories come up and I get emotional, is all. I figured it was at least mostly healthy given the nature of our relationship.

Perhaps.. But my relationship with the ex I mentioned earlier seems pretty similar. Lots of firsts. Hell, I thought we were gonna get married. We were together for 2years and it was damn hard for a little afterwards, hence the sex, but it's about 3 months later now and I'm well over her. I think I was probably still sexually attracted to her until like a few weeks ago. It is hard yeah but I just can't imagine loving a girl five years after it being over. How does she feel?

Meh. Starting another relationship with another person while you're still getting over you ex, is in my opinion, quite selfish. Imagine how that other person might feel if they found out that you were still longing over your previous partner. Even still, a relationship like that is unhealthy.

Well, I didn't start another relationship while still being in love with my previous one. Nor while still wishing him back, for that matter.
But I knew at the time that I wouldn't be able to cope with the memories and the grief all at once, so I started distracting myself, going out a lot and dating.
Now I found someone else, a new love, and I find that now and then, bits and pieces of memory come back of my previous relationship, and that now I can take a good look at them and then file them away. I wouldn't have been able to do that before, as there were just too many emotions involved.

Perhaps.. But my relationship with the ex I mentioned earlier seems pretty similar. Lots of firsts. Hell, I thought we were gonna get married. We were together for 2years and it was damn hard for a little afterwards, hence the sex, but it's about 3 months later now and I'm well over her. I think I was probably still sexually attracted to her until like a few weeks ago. It is hard yeah but I just can't imagine loving a girl five years after it being over. How does she feel?

Last time I talked to her, when she figured out I still love her, she said "You have to know it never would have worked out in the end."

I mostly agree with that statement.

I dunno, it seems weird to be dealing with this five years after the fact, but maybe it's time? Maybe I really never did just accept it and move on...

My way of dealing with grief is simple. I tell myself to 'Get over it'. And then I do. I guess it sounds harsh, and I'm not using that tone with anyone else besides myself... I guess I'm just one of those lucky people who can. Its a process, but for me that more or less works. It's still a process, but so long as you understand that then you'll be fine.

If you're struggling however, I recommend reading this (http://www.enotalone.com/article/2445.html).

Last time I talked to her, when she figured out I still love her, she said "You have to know it never would have worked out in the end."

I mostly agree with that statement.

I dunno, it seems weird to be dealing with this five years after the fact, but maybe it's time? Maybe I really never did just accept it and move on...

Hmm. If you agree with that statement, then surely you should be able to accept it and move on? Coupled with the time and the realisation that it wouldn't have worked, you should be sweet. Then again, love does strange, strange things to people.

Hmm. If you agree with that statement, then surely you should be able to accept it and move on? Coupled with the time and the realisation that it wouldn't have worked, you should be sweet. Then again, love does strange, strange things to people.

I'm kinda confused about the whole deal. I've fallen in love and had meaningful relationships...not, you know, many, since then, (so many commas) but I still have deep feelings for her when a memory pops up. Which isn't often, again!

I was thinking about getting some therapy this semester anyway, might as well bring it up.

(The other reason for seeking therapy is a bad problem with falling asleep after breaking up with my last girlfriend, because we usually slept together. I got this nasty eye-twitch and insomnia. I still have those things.)

Now I'm starting to think I invest too much emotion in relationships...hmm.

Oh shit, I should totally stay away from my first girlfriend's blog.

It kinda sucks that I'm still in love with her even if I haven't seen her in close to 5 years. And it's not that I'm incapable of moving on, or anything, it's just...still painful somehow. How wild is that?

Not to be weepy emo. I just stumbled on her blog and I got overwhelmed, and since my roommate is asleep I had to share with someone.

Be thankful she isn't a vengeful, clingy insane bitch who toys with your heart and then acts like you're the evil one when you finally figure it out and break off a three year relationship.

...

I mean, say hi on the blog or something. I'm sure it can't hurt.

You have a good point. She could be actively seeking to make my life worse.

I sent her an email the other day, she never replied, so I'm taking that as a no-communications type deal. I don't think I managed to piss her off the last time we talked, but that was like...3 years ago.


Sorry to hear about your evil clingy ex! I went through a bad relationship recently too.

It makes me cringe to say this, but be emotionally detached as you possibly can be as long as you can be, because you realize after so many relationships like that that people are evil and terrible and don't really think twice about hurting people like that. I've had a whole bunch of angry rants with women that say their boyfriend is an obsessive jerk that calls too much and then tell me that they get the feeling that their boyfriend is cheating on them when they don't answer one phone call. SO, in a nutshell: Pish, people suck.

The emotional detachment is the hard thing but it feels great when you meet someone you really care about and you don't have all that emotional baggage with you.

It's just kinda strange to me because I know it qualifies as baggage, but it doesn't affect my day to day life, today was something of a fluke.

I think I'll just bring it up in therapy some time.

I'm kinda confused about the whole deal. I've fallen in love and had meaningful relationships...not, you know, many, since then, (so many commas) but I still have deep feelings for her when a memory pops up. Which isn't often, again!

I was thinking about getting some therapy this semester anyway, might as well bring it up.

(The other reason for seeking therapy is a bad problem with falling asleep after breaking up with my last girlfriend, because we usually slept together. I got this nasty eye-twitch and insomnia. I still have those things.)

Now I'm starting to think I invest too much emotion in relationships...hmm.

I see now. It's thinking about her that really gets you aye? Yeah, that does kinda suck I guess. All the good times can come back to haunt you. Therapy might be a good idea I think.
Hmm, yeah you seem to be pretty emotionally involved. It's like you sort of like you're dependent on her or the relationship itself because without her/it you're kinda a mess. You're going to have to try and detach yourself from the time you were with her.. Stop thinking about it. You'll need to just accept that it's happened, it's over, and theres not too much you can do about it.

I see now. It's thinking about her that really gets you aye? Yeah, that does kinda suck I guess. All the good times can come back to haunt you. Therapy might be a good idea I think.
Hmm, yeah you seem to be pretty emotionally involved. It's like you sort of like you're dependent on her or the relationship itself because without her/it you're kinda a mess. You're going to have to try and detach yourself from the time you were with her.. Stop thinking about it. You'll need to just accept that it's happened, it's over, and theres not too much you can do about it.

Yeah...therapy it is, haha. Now I've got to wonder why I never dealt with it. I mean, obviously since the emotions are still there they've never been handled, even with the period of being all pissed off and sad and everything.

Yeah...therapy it is, haha. Now I've got to wonder why I never dealt with it. I mean, obviously since the emotions are still there they've never been handled, even with the period of being all pissed off and sad and everything.

My guess is, because you weren't ready to deal with it, for whatever reason. Therapy might help, but be careful, don't force it.

Don't go for therapy. Those fuckers always make mountains out of molehills. A dude I know was cajoled into it by his wife because he was a miserable bastard (that was just his nature). Now he's a big time basket case.

Your big mistake is stalking her. When you split up you should have just cut yourself off completely, cold turkey like. Five years on it will be more difficult.

Anyway, I would suggest learning some mental discipline, zen meditation or such, so you can focus your brain to stop thinking about her completely. It's hard to learn at first, but soon becomes easy. (In fact you can teach yourself to discipline your thoughts so you never think of anything unpleasant or upsetting - well at least not sit there and dwell on them after someone brings them up). Being able to do this seperates the people who can survive traumatic experiences, and those with PTSD.

For the record, I am a complete psychopath that is unable to form deep emotional attachments to people or things.

Don't go for therapy. Those fuckers always make mountains out of molehills. A dude I know was cajoled into it by his wife because he was a miserable bastard (that was just his nature). Now he's a big time basket case.

Your big mistake is stalking her. When you split up you should have just cut yourself off completely, cold turkey like. Five years on it will be more difficult.

Anyway, I would suggest learning some mental discipline, zen meditation or such, so you can focus your brain to stop thinking about her completely. It's hard to learn at first, but soon becomes easy. (In fact you can teach yourself to discipline your thoughts so you never think of anything unpleasant or upsetting - well at least not sit there and dwell on them after someone brings them up). Being able to do this seperates the people who can survive traumatic experiences, and those with PTSD.

For the record, I am a complete psychopath that is unable to form deep emotional attachments to people or things.

I'm sorry about your condition :(

I took some tai-chi lessons and those really help me be mellow. I think I should start attending Saturday morning Tai-chi in the local park, that'd be pretty cool I bet.

Oh, and as a future mental-health care professional, I sure hope I don't make a mountain out of any mole hills. I want to open my own practice and do real therapy, with behavior modification, observation, the works. None of this in and out with pills BS.

I'm sorry about your condition :(

Eh? I don't care. Obviously. Acutally, I think I am perfectly normal. Everyone else lacks a stiff upper lip is all.

I took some tai-chi lessons and those really help me be mellow. I think I should start attending Saturday morning Tai-chi in the local park, that'd be pretty cool I bet.


Yeah. That's the kind of thing. And stop googling her name.

Eh? I don't care. Obviously. Acutally, I think I am perfectly normal. Everyone else lacks a stiff upper lip is all.



Yeah. That's the kind of thing. And stop googling her name.

Some people are rather sensitive, it's true.

And I've NEVER googled her name. Now that you mention it though... ;)

Some people are rather sensitive, it's true.

And I've NEVER googled her name. Now that you mention it though... ;)

Don't.

Just don't.

Find something else to do, right now!

Don't.

Just don't.

Find something else to do, right now!

BWAHAHAHAHAHAH

I didn't, fear not. I'm not all weird stalker-y.

Five years and you're still obsessing over her?

I have no advice for you other than suck it up. It's been five years.

I should totally stay away from my first girlfriend's blog.

It kinda sucks that I'm still in love with her even if I haven't seen her in close to 5 years. And it's not that I'm incapable of moving on, or anything, it's just...still painful somehow. How wild is that?

Not to be weepy emo. I just stumbled on her blog and I got overwhelmed, and since my roommate is asleep I had to share with someone.

I don't feel this way about all of the girls that I have dated, but the few that I developed especially strong feelings for I still have those feelings. Time, or even falling in love with someone else, have done nothing to deminish my feelings. The secret is learning to let go of the pain of loosing them; but to do that you have to face the pain of not being with them (for if you did truely love the girl you will hurt because you are not with her), and suffer through it until it doesn't hurt any more.

Most people try to run away from their feelings, but I have found that until you face your feelings and allow yourself to experiance them, that you can't put them behind you, and they are still there, waiting some where in the back of your mind to pounce on you at some future time.

There are two women that I dated whom I still dearly love, but it no longer hurts me not to be with them, and I have learned to change my feelings for them into the kind of love you feel for a sister, or a close friend.

You don't have to kill off your feelings for her to move on, you just have to learn to accept the fact that you will probably not be with her again, even though you want to be. Allow your heart to heal and to love again.

You will love again, and the pain will eventually subside. Don't hide from the pain, face it, work through it, and then let it go. I've been where you are, and I've gone through the pain you are going through, I know how hard it is, but I also know that you can beat it, because I did.

Your profile says your 21. You say it's been 5 years since you split up... That would have you both 16 at the time...

You will have both have changed so so so much since then. Have you have contact with her since you two were 16 or not. Either way, just don't go there. It will be so much more trouble than it's worth.

You've said you've just split up with a girlfriend. You're just looking for comfort, that's all. Seriously, a bottle of Southern Comfort would probably be better and safer for you in the long run.

Remember, in sequence:

1) Love doesn't actually exist. It's a chemical imbalance in the brain highly similar to depression, nervousness, and anxiety; and you can get rid of it the same way, by concentrating on other things. Eventually, you'll learn that there's a world outside of your own feelings and you may as well participate in it.

2) Don't try to start another relationship; this experience should have shown you the true destructive power of emotional/physical love, and you should make an effort to avoid it in the future. If you're not already in one, take up an exhaustive exercise regimen such as the already mentioned yoga or some martial art; concentrate on channeling your emotions into some form of art, meditation, or work, so that you won't be plagued by them in the future.

3) You're the only person who can get over this. You'll have to build your own bridge over the lake of your tears, or whatever the song lyrics were.

4) The glass of memory is tinted. You likely remember only the better parts of your relationship (it was five years ago, after all). I was 16 a very short time ago, I know how immature people and their relationships really are at that time.

As for becoming a mental health professional... don't bother. It's a load of bullshit. I've been in therapy for years, since my suicide attempts, and it didn't help me get over myself one bit. Nor did all of their medications and threats of hospitalisation. The only thing that did it was my own personal decision to get over myself and stop cutting my emotions so much slack.

As a side note, I've made a choice never to be engaged in any kind of emotional attachment and am basing my life around that, so you may look at my advice dismissively.

I recently found the myspace of my first serious relationship, he was from over 10 years ago. I've been in numerous relationships since then, but only actually really got over him when I met my current husband. I think the timing on that had a lot to do with it really, I kinda started my whole life over and left a lot of baggage behind (and am continuing to let more go)

It's still hard for me to read his blog though, and looking at his pictures isn't ever going to be easy, it just reminds me of the memories of him that I have and the things that we shared in the months we dated. Those first hardcore emotional attachments carve their way really deep into your heart and just never let go... but you can have a normal life and only think about it once in a great while.

I haven't said anything to him, nor have I even let him know that I'm present in the myspace-iverse. If he wants to, he can find me the way I found him, through an extended friends network. Otherwise, I'll continue to think about him once every 6 or 8 months and feel sorry for the things I never got the chance to apologize for and then go back to normal life. I think that's just how the world works.

First, I have to use a quote from my mother (yeah, yeah, laugh at me), that gets me through tough romantic times: "It is never wrong to love somebody." That being said, it can sometimes be damaging, and you have to know when obsessive unrequited love is taking over your life. If you feel like your happiness is dependent on this person, and you plan your life to see her, etc,etc, then it is dangerous. However, if it's simply a little sadness now and then when you're reminiscing, that's perfectly natural, and shouldn't be a cause for concern.
If you're still trying to move on, I suggest looking for what I call an "enough now" moment, after a particularly delightful scene in the movie "Love Actually." It's basically just a moment in which you realise that you've done all you can do, and felt all you can felt, and are ready to move towards something new. I've never had an ex, but I had one of those moments a few days ago. I felt very, very strongly for a guy I met a few months ago. When I first started talking to him, it was fun, and I felt light and giddy all the time. But the more I talked to him, the more intense things started to get. I realised how screwed up he was, but it was way too late to turn around; I felt like I'd completely fallen into a bottomless pit, and would never get out again. So when he randomly started ignoring me one day, I was hurt beyond belief. I would try to organise my life in order to run into him. If I did run into him, I'd only be upset because he ignored me, and if I didn't, I'd only be upset because I felt like I needed to see him. All in all, I was in a really miserable position, and I'd just about lost all my self-respect. That's when I got the dreaded news: right about when he began ignoring me, he'd hooked up with an ex at the school semi-formal (thank god my History teacher had me home doing a term paper, or that night might have been more than I could bear), and they were suddenly back together and going strong. I used to think that learning he had a girlfriend would be the moment, but it wasn't. I still found excuses. I said stupid stuff like, "he thinks I don't like him," or "he likes me, but it's too intense for him, and he wants something casual," or "he's trying to make me jealous" (which was absolutely ridiculous, since he wasn't parading her around in front of me, and he hooked up with her when I was far away, drowning in note cards about Dien Bien Phu and the Tet Offensive). I had to convince myself that they had only a shallow relationship based on physical gratification, because it hurt too badly to imagine him loving another girl.
And then it came, my "enough now" moment. I was visiting a friend, who just happened to be on relatively good terms with this guy's on-again girlfriend. He started IMing her, and briefly mentioned that I was over. Suddenly, this girl was waxing poetic on how cute and funny I was, and how much she'd loved hanging out with me over the summer, and how she wanted my email. At that moment, I said, "I can't do this anymore." There was no way I was going to go any further, and make this into a bloody mess. I no longer wanted to compete with her. I just wanted to lie down, and put my music on, and forget it all had happened.

I believe I may have digressed slightly, but I sort of had to get that out, since most of my friends are either out of town for the holidays, or sick of hearing about him. But the bottom line is, find that moment for yourself, and use it to move on. It felt like an acutal shift for me, but god knows what it'll feel like for you. It's perfectly natural to have moments when you relapse, when you want to think about her, and smile about how happy you once were, and cry about it being over. But don't dwell on those. And definately stay away from things like blogs, chat logs, and old emails. Plunging yourself back into her world is just going to make it harder to get over her. Find things you love in life, and friends who are there for you, and use them to propel you through the tough time. And when you're down about it, just remember that in order to feel that bad, you had to once feel that good.*



And that's enough from me, because, frankly, I belive I'm getting quite annoying.


*Completely plagerised from a South Park episode, I willingly admit.