Cogitation
03-01-2007, 19:59
The Sixth Comic Routine of the NationStates Self-Proclaimed Court Jester
...
THIS IS COGITATION AIR RADIO WITH AN URGENT DISPATCH FROM THE COGITATION METEROLOGICAL INSTITUTE
Barometric measurements taken at sea level, mountaintops, and from weather balloons indicate that atmospheric pressure at all altitudes is increasing dramatically. Combined with temperature measurements at these same altitudes, we have concluded that the boundaries between the troposphere, stratosphere, mesosphere, thermosphere, and exosphere are dropping in altitude at an alarming rate.
[Sounds of banging can be heard in the background, along with muffled yelling and furious door-handle-jiggling.]
If left unchecked, material and phenomena normally existent in the upper atmosphere will be found at previously-habitable altitudes. These include: prevalence of hydrogen, helium, and ozone, luminescent ionization of atmospherice gases due to solar radiation (aurora), and dramatic changes in temperature with altitude. Aircraft of all types will catastrophically lose performance as atmospheric pressures at their normal operating altitudes decline below their engineering specs.
"Open up this door!"[/color] ]
Mountaintop areas will become uninhabitable first as breathable oxygen descends to lower altitudes. Habitats will have to be evacuated to progressively lower altitudes until, eventually, even sea level becomes uninhabitable. Left unabated, this will ultimately result in the condensation of all atmospheric gases into a new global ocean 60 feet deep bounded at the top only by outer space.
[The sound of a very large object being periodically rammed into a door can be heard, accompanied by chants of "One, two, THREE!" on each ram.]
Aircraft should be grounded immediately. Everyone on the ground or at sea is advised to turn on all fans or propellors they have in their possession and aim them upwards to combat this effect. Failing that, look up and blow really, really hard.
[The sound of a door being smashed open can be heard, followed by sounds of a scuffle involving several people.]
All right, mister, get off that microphone!
Ladies and Gentlemen, you have to protect yourselves now! The sky is falling! Let me go, you oafs, we have to warn the people!
I said GET OFF THAT MICROPHONE!
[The original speaker can be heard yelling, but is quickly becoming faint along with the fading sound of the scuffle and small objects being knocked over.] The sky is falling! You have to protect yourselves! Shut UP! OW! That hurt! I said shut [b]UP! THE SKY IS....
[A new voice comes on the air. He sounds mostly calm, but his breathing is a little ragged.]
Ladies and Gentlemen, Cogitation Air Radio apologizes for the distress... apologizes for any distress that may have been caused to our listening audience. There is no reason to panic, Cogitation Air Radio has not received any emergency declarations from The Palace of Thought at this time, and the sky is most definitely not falling.
...and now we bring you this musical selection from the Irish star, Enya, while we at Cogitation Air Radio address some technical difficulties.
--The Jovial States of Cogitation
"Laugh about it for a moment."
NationStates Self-Proclaimed Court Jester
...
THIS IS COGITATION AIR RADIO WITH AN URGENT DISPATCH FROM THE COGITATION METEROLOGICAL INSTITUTE
Barometric measurements taken at sea level, mountaintops, and from weather balloons indicate that atmospheric pressure at all altitudes is increasing dramatically. Combined with temperature measurements at these same altitudes, we have concluded that the boundaries between the troposphere, stratosphere, mesosphere, thermosphere, and exosphere are dropping in altitude at an alarming rate.
[Sounds of banging can be heard in the background, along with muffled yelling and furious door-handle-jiggling.]
If left unchecked, material and phenomena normally existent in the upper atmosphere will be found at previously-habitable altitudes. These include: prevalence of hydrogen, helium, and ozone, luminescent ionization of atmospherice gases due to solar radiation (aurora), and dramatic changes in temperature with altitude. Aircraft of all types will catastrophically lose performance as atmospheric pressures at their normal operating altitudes decline below their engineering specs.
"Open up this door!"[/color] ]
Mountaintop areas will become uninhabitable first as breathable oxygen descends to lower altitudes. Habitats will have to be evacuated to progressively lower altitudes until, eventually, even sea level becomes uninhabitable. Left unabated, this will ultimately result in the condensation of all atmospheric gases into a new global ocean 60 feet deep bounded at the top only by outer space.
[The sound of a very large object being periodically rammed into a door can be heard, accompanied by chants of "One, two, THREE!" on each ram.]
Aircraft should be grounded immediately. Everyone on the ground or at sea is advised to turn on all fans or propellors they have in their possession and aim them upwards to combat this effect. Failing that, look up and blow really, really hard.
[The sound of a door being smashed open can be heard, followed by sounds of a scuffle involving several people.]
All right, mister, get off that microphone!
Ladies and Gentlemen, you have to protect yourselves now! The sky is falling! Let me go, you oafs, we have to warn the people!
I said GET OFF THAT MICROPHONE!
[The original speaker can be heard yelling, but is quickly becoming faint along with the fading sound of the scuffle and small objects being knocked over.] The sky is falling! You have to protect yourselves! Shut UP! OW! That hurt! I said shut [b]UP! THE SKY IS....
[A new voice comes on the air. He sounds mostly calm, but his breathing is a little ragged.]
Ladies and Gentlemen, Cogitation Air Radio apologizes for the distress... apologizes for any distress that may have been caused to our listening audience. There is no reason to panic, Cogitation Air Radio has not received any emergency declarations from The Palace of Thought at this time, and the sky is most definitely not falling.
...and now we bring you this musical selection from the Irish star, Enya, while we at Cogitation Air Radio address some technical difficulties.
--The Jovial States of Cogitation
"Laugh about it for a moment."
NationStates Self-Proclaimed Court Jester