NationStates Jolt Archive

In a few threads in the past, I have mentioned that my mother is an unreasonable person for one reason or another, but, I never really sought advice on how to deal with her from NSG before.

My parents divorced when I was really young, about six or seven years old. My dad had told me recently that it was because he had no more tolerance for the bitch my mother was. He had also told me that he drank alot toward the end of the marriage because it was the only way he could tolerate my mother.

So, after the divorce, there was no custody battle, so, my parents had joint, equal custody, in which I would spend one week at one house and the next week at the other house. This went on from when I was seven years old to when I was about seventeen years old, at which point I walked out on her.

I have had enough of her irrational behaviour and her treatment of me.

When she was in a 'bad' mood (in quotes for a good reason), she would verbally insult me. Nothing I did was ever good enough for her. I could never learn how to speak French, so, she would tell me I had to, but never helped me and criticised me when I couldn't understand it. I would get a job, but she compared me to my cousin and told me that it wasn't good enough.

She used to hit me, though infrequently, when I was a kid. My dad always was against corporal punishment as a means of discipline and often preferred just to yell and curse a lot while I sat still. His yelling was just at inanimate objects and there were more than a few swears...

If my dad ever said anything bad, he would always apologise later because he knew he said it when he was angry and never meant it. My mother would never apologised and never apologised for hitting me.

To my mother, I was never 'normal', and frequently asked "why can't you be normal?" or her other favourite: "Don't you ever think?" as she pokes me in the forehead.

The last really big fight we got into when she hit, though it didn't leave a mark because I blocked her attacks, I was fifteen years old. My dad threatened to call the police the next time she was to do that.

At least she never brandished objects at me, though she has long nails.

When I did leave her house, I had left her when she had stopped the car at a Rona centre. I got out and walked to her house in order to collect my belongings. I packed up everything I could carry with me.

When we fought it was in the car because I was supposed to be meeting my friends that day, but, when I called, no one picked up because my best friend hadn't heard it when they were in the basement. My mother says, "your friends don't care about you."

I tried to ask her to drive me there anyway, and she said she wouldn't because it was out of her way, even though she had previously agreed to, though getting her to agree to anything is a damn miracle (fucking hard ass bitch!)

In the same argument, she insulted the job I just got. I knew it wasn't the best, but, at least it was a job. Besides, as a teenager, you can't get a great job either way.

After the escalation, I got out and walked a good 12KM..

I then ignored her for three months before my dad forced me to see her for supper once a week on Wednesday.

I moved to Toronto a few years... about two years later.

She told me when I moved that it made it easier when she told people why I wasn't living with her. She refused to tell them I had moved in with my father. She would tell people that I went to school in Toronto.

She made a big deal out of it because she was afraid of what her friends and family would think, ignoring that she had alienated me.

It's been a long time since I moved out.

I still don't respect her. I have a hard time trusting her.

Over this past Christmas when I was visiting with my fiance, during dinner on December 25, she smacked me and demanded that I pass her something. I told her not to, and she threatened to hit me for real.

She hasn't changed a bit, and only pretends to be nice.

She got mad at me when I complained to my fiance about being lectures by a hypocrite, though, I know damn well she complains about me in French to my godmother.

We left early and she barely said goodbye to us. She seemed to be in a hurry and hardly gave me any time to get a cart for our luggage.

I'm at wits end.

I told my dad I don't want to talk to her, or be nice. He has reminded me (in a kind way) that she is my mother.

My fiance and I are one bad word away from denying her the right to see and have contact with our future children. My fiance says he doesn't want her to be around any future children.

I'm inclined to follow that route.

I have tried to talk to her in the past, but it doesn't change a thing.

If I cut her off, I'm afraid she'll cut me off from my godmother, who is the only person I have that us closest to a grandparent at this point in my life.

I don't lack a mother figure though. My fiance's mother is more of a mother to me than my real one is.

What should I do? I have tried ignoring her before. But, in the end, I wound up giving up that embargo...


My fiance, dad, best friend, my best friend's mother, my godfather (also my mother's brother) all think my mother is a bitch, and two of them know my mother casually...

Even if you have no advice, feel free to share your own stories here.

And yes, I know, I should try and mend the fences, but, my mother has never tried...

I'm 23 years old and I don't think I should have to tolerate being treated badly by my own mother when I try and keep gas off the tire fire.

Tell her to fuck off. She has it coming.

Tell her to fuck off. She has it coming.
I would need to phrase it elegantly because it would piss her off more if I said it with flowery words.

I would need to phrase it elegantly because it would piss her off more if I said it with flowery words.

You can still contact your beloved godparent, just cast your mother out of your life for good.

I'd advise you never to cut her out of your life entirely...she obviously has some serious problems, though. if only for your kids, I'd let them at least meet her. it's not really fair to deny her grandchildren the chance to know their grandmother, however bitchy she is. let them make their own judgements about her...but you've obviously taken alot of shit from her and there's no point in dragging something out that isn't going to change. it sounds like some serious therapy would be good for her...I'm sorry to hear you had to put up with this.:( good luck!

your mother's even worse than mine, and i thought that was hard. all my childhood friends are scared of my mum enev now they're in their twenties.

i would call the 'men in white coats' to take her away. she clearly has problems. what you describe goes beyond being a bitch. she's mental, pure and simple.

sorry.

I would need to phrase it elegantly because it would piss her off more if I said it with flowery words.Tell her your life and the lives of those you love would be greatly improved by her abscence from them, and would be greatly appreciative if she could affect such an absence post haste.

No doubt about it your mom is not very likeable, but she is still your mom and that will never change. You will need to protect yourself from her personality, but still respect that fact that she is your mother. Believe me it is better this way, too give her the respect of motherhood even if she doesn't entirely deserve it. You don't have to try to be her friend or spend a lot of time with her. Do try spend some time with her. I think it would be could if you could see a therapist so you could talk about your feelings towards your mother. You have emotional work that you have go through and it is better to start now that much later in life when the weight of it all is too heavy to carry anymore.

Good luck with all of this.

make sure you are really sure before you cut ties, I cut ties with my family and don't regret it, other than I didn't put enough distance between me and the problems (ie I still talk to my mom and she still talks to them, but one slip up and she is going to get booted too)

no extended family is better than a crappy one.

Punch her in the face repeatedly and say "Never get anywhere near me again, you useless fucking bitch" This will have an even better effect if you learn how to say this phrase in french. This woman sounds like a miserable bitch who deserves to rot in hell. If she ever actually does hit you, file assault.

I think I'd be asking why she's treating you like that...

Hope it works out for you...

I cut off ties with my father's side of the family and I never looked back.

hmmmm
NO, you do not need to mend any fences, you need to take care of yourself and your future family.

your mother is a bitch. she is bad for you. she will be bad for your future husband and any children you have.

do you agree with the above?

if so...

you cant change her. she is the way she is and it has nothing to do with YOU. (im sure you know that but sometimes we have the childlike thought that if we just act a certain way around her she will be different)

so what do you want from your mother? she will never be a good mother. she will certainly not be a good mother in law or grandmother. there is nothing you can do change that.

if you feel that it is important to have contact with your mother, do so in a very limited and very structured manner.

you set a time and place that is easily escaped from. a restaurant is best but it could be dinner at her house as long as you can leave at any time. a hour on a sunday afternoon would be good. a hour on christmas morning next year. an hour on easter afternoon. no more than that.

as soon as she treats you badly, you leave. if you have trouble recognizing that she is being mean, have your fiance signal you. you have been treated badly for so long that you might take more abuse than you should.

dont fight about it, just go. if she lasts to the end of your alotted time, say something nice and go. youve done your duty. under no circumstance should you expect your future husband and children to put up with anything from her.

over the course of time she will either start to act better or she will disown you completely. let that be her choice. you have to be strict. she is the one who has to behave, not you.

you should be visiting, calling and coresponding with your godmother seperately. if you establish a good relationship with her that is seperate from your mother she wont be inclined to drop you because of something your mother says. its not like she doesnt know what your mother is.

I say fuck the bitch. Just because you came out of her, you´re suposed to pay for that your entire life?

She doesnt love you. She hits you. She doesnt add anything to your life. She will screw over your kids. And you are suposed to keep meeting with her because she is your "mother". I say she isnt even your mother anymore. If someone can get a mother through adoption, someone can lose one too if he doesnt want to.

You already have money. You´re ready to create your own family. You have a father who respects and loves you. So, why do you need her? Just because of a title? Forget her and go visit her in her deathbed when the time comes.

I think I'd be asking why she's treating you like that...

Hope it works out for you...

You asshole. Are you seriously suggesting that this is her fault? She sounds nice and her mom sounds like a filthy bitch. Pure and simple.

Just because of a title? Forget her and go visit her in her deathbed when the time comes.
And then spit on her face.

Tell her to fuck off and cut off all ties and communications with her.

Move further away? I hear Alberta is requiring all sorts of people and they don't have PST.

The last time I walked 12 km was during the TTC strike. It took me 2.5 hours. It used to take me 1.5 ten years ago :(

My fiance and I are one bad word away from denying her the right to see and have contact with our future children. My fiance says he doesn't want her to be around any future children.

I'm inclined to follow that route.
I'd do that if I were in your shoes, but only if talking/therapy has clearly failed. You can find other ways to stay in touch with your godmother, and your children can manage fine without knowing much about their grandmother if their parents are good.

Regarding your mother, my guess is that she is trying to change you into the type of person she wanted herself to be but was for some reason unable to do so. You're her legacy, in other words. If that is true, it would explain why she has "sand in her vagina," to paraphrase an irreverent remark that a certain four-grader once made to one of his friends. Whatever the case, always keep calm so that you can take advantage of any changes in your situation. Things will change for the better. Good luck.

my parents didn't just bully me themselves they also envouraged my older brother to 'toughen me up'
so i left home at seventeen and moved away, talked to them occasionally for a couple more years until i finally got sick of their bile, and have not had any contact at all for about twelve years now
about five years ago a bored workmate googled my name (slow day) and turned up a message to me on a 'missing persons' website
that asked me to email them so they'd know i wasn't dead from an overdose (love their optimism about my life without them), surely my voices couldn't object to that...
they're so desperate to convince themselves that they aren't the problem they invent psychological conditions for me

they are harmful people and i had no choice but to remove them ffrom my life completely, to protect myself

no-one has the right to treat you like that, and you do not have to accept it for any reason

Thanks so far for the advice guys.

I'm going to cool off for a while and wait for her to call me to see if she wants to talk first. I'll try talking it out still.

my parents didn't just bully me themselves they also envouraged my older brother to 'toughen me up'
so i left home at seventeen and moved away, talked to them occasionally for a couple more years until i finally got sick of their bile, and have not had any contact at all for about twelve years now
about five years ago a bored workmate googled my name (slow day) and turned up a message to me on a 'missing persons' website
that asked me to email them so they'd know i wasn't dead from an overdose (love their optimism about my life without them), surely my voices couldn't object to that...
they're so desperate to convince themselves that they aren't the problem they invent psychological conditions for me

they are harmful people and i had no choice but to remove them ffrom my life completely, to protect myself

no-one has the right to treat you like that, and you do not have to accept it for any reason

Email them pretending to be a friend and claim you're dead.

Tell her to fuck off. She has it coming.

I echo that, although I'd try a letter, or taking her to a stadium, leaving halfway through, and making an announcement on tannoy...

Make sure there is no absolute way you and your mother can ever make up before considering anything else. I doubt you can get legal activity to prevent her from seeing your children unless you have any reasonable evidence that she is a threat to the children.

You are legally an adult now and have every right to tell your mother that it is time that you ran your own life without her interference. You have proven that you can live without your mother already.

Cutting her out of your life should be a last resort, and should only be done for the sake of the protection of your fiancée and children.

It might help if you sat down with your mother and had a long conversation about why she thinks of you like that. If none of her reasons sound reasonable and you cannot think of why she became so, then perhaps it is best that you do leave her. You cannot depend on her for support. Talk to your father as well, to see why she acts in such a manner. There must be some basis.

Just walk away. Cut her out of your life. Stop calling her, seeing her, anything. Talk to your godmother ASAP tho, and explain calmly why you're cutting off contact with your mother. Hopefully your godmother is a reasonable person and can see how your mother has treated you.
And whatever you do, keep any kids you have the hell away from her! As a grandparent, she hasn't got any kind of legal right to see your kids if you don't want her to.

Some time ago in a similiar thread I mention one of Goodthoughts rules of NationStates General which is never ask for personal advise on NationStates General and if you violate rule one then rule two applies which is: If you violate rule one then never follow the advise of the first few replies. Rule 2a is never follow advise that advocates violence towards another human being or animal.

I see that Goodthoughts rule still can be put to good use.

Some time ago in a similiar thread I mention one of Goodthoughts rules of NationStates General which is never ask for personal advise on NationStates General and if you violate rule one then rule two applies which is: If you violate rule one then never follow the advise of the first few replies. Rule 2a is never follow advise that advocates violence towards another human being or animal.

I see that Goodthoughts rule still can be put to good use.

None of us expect anyone to ever do the things we advise on NS. At least I hope not.

None of us expect anyone to ever do the things we advise on NS. At least I hope not.

When someone shares a part of their life that is extremely personel and obvisioulsy important to them and can have life-long repurcussions and the advise given is to tell your mom to f*uck off and worse. I have to think that a person who is in some level of emotional stress there is no way to tell what advise they might follow. This is not some game you are playing here with peoples emotions and lives peices on the gameboard.

It is one thing to give tongue-in-cheek advise on matters of little importance. But a relationship with a parent (no matter how lousy the parent is) is something that will affect that person the rest of their life, and in fact, may well affect generations in the future.

In a few threads in the past, I have mentioned that my mother is an unreasonable person for one reason or another, but, I never really sought advice on how to deal with her from NSG before.

My parents divorced when I was really young, about six or seven years old. My dad had told me recently that it was because he had no more tolerance for the bitch my mother was. He had also told me that he drank alot toward the end of the marriage because it was the only way he could tolerate my mother.

So, after the divorce, there was no custody battle, so, my parents had joint, equal custody, in which I would spend one week at one house and the next week at the other house. This went on from when I was seven years old to when I was about seventeen years old, at which point I walked out on her.

I have had enough of her irrational behaviour and her treatment of me.

When she was in a 'bad' mood (in quotes for a good reason), she would verbally insult me. Nothing I did was ever good enough for her. I could never learn how to speak French, so, she would tell me I had to, but never helped me and criticised me when I couldn't understand it. I would get a job, but she compared me to my cousin and told me that it wasn't good enough.

She used to hit me, though infrequently, when I was a kid. My dad always was against corporal punishment as a means of discipline and often preferred just to yell and curse a lot while I sat still. His yelling was just at inanimate objects and there were more than a few swears...

If my dad ever said anything bad, he would always apologise later because he knew he said it when he was angry and never meant it. My mother would never apologised and never apologised for hitting me.

To my mother, I was never 'normal', and frequently asked "why can't you be normal?" or her other favourite: "Don't you ever think?" as she pokes me in the forehead.

The last really big fight we got into when she hit, though it didn't leave a mark because I blocked her attacks, I was fifteen years old. My dad threatened to call the police the next time she was to do that.

At least she never brandished objects at me, though she has long nails.

When I did leave her house, I had left her when she had stopped the car at a Rona centre. I got out and walked to her house in order to collect my belongings. I packed up everything I could carry with me.

When we fought it was in the car because I was supposed to be meeting my friends that day, but, when I called, no one picked up because my best friend hadn't heard it when they were in the basement. My mother says, "your friends don't care about you."

I tried to ask her to drive me there anyway, and she said she wouldn't because it was out of her way, even though she had previously agreed to, though getting her to agree to anything is a damn miracle (fucking hard ass bitch!)

In the same argument, she insulted the job I just got. I knew it wasn't the best, but, at least it was a job. Besides, as a teenager, you can't get a great job either way.

After the escalation, I got out and walked a good 12KM..

I then ignored her for three months before my dad forced me to see her for supper once a week on Wednesday.

I moved to Toronto a few years... about two years later.

She told me when I moved that it made it easier when she told people why I wasn't living with her. She refused to tell them I had moved in with my father. She would tell people that I went to school in Toronto.

She made a big deal out of it because she was afraid of what her friends and family would think, ignoring that she had alienated me.

It's been a long time since I moved out.

I still don't respect her. I have a hard time trusting her.

Over this past Christmas when I was visiting with my fiance, during dinner on December 25, she smacked me and demanded that I pass her something. I told her not to, and she threatened to hit me for real.

She hasn't changed a bit, and only pretends to be nice.

She got mad at me when I complained to my fiance about being lectures by a hypocrite, though, I know damn well she complains about me in French to my godmother.

We left early and she barely said goodbye to us. She seemed to be in a hurry and hardly gave me any time to get a cart for our luggage.

I'm at wits end.

I told my dad I don't want to talk to her, or be nice. He has reminded me (in a kind way) that she is my mother.

My fiance and I are one bad word away from denying her the right to see and have contact with our future children. My fiance says he doesn't want her to be around any future children.

I'm inclined to follow that route.

I have tried to talk to her in the past, but it doesn't change a thing.

If I cut her off, I'm afraid she'll cut me off from my godmother, who is the only person I have that us closest to a grandparent at this point in my life.

I don't lack a mother figure though. My fiance's mother is more of a mother to me than my real one is.

What should I do? I have tried ignoring her before. But, in the end, I wound up giving up that embargo...


My fiance, dad, best friend, my best friend's mother, my godfather (also my mother's brother) all think my mother is a bitch, and two of them know my mother casually...

Even if you have no advice, feel free to share your own stories here.

And yes, I know, I should try and mend the fences, but, my mother has never tried...

I'm 23 years old and I don't think I should have to tolerate being treated badly by my own mother when I try and keep gas off the tire fire.

Why is she like that? Did you try getting a restraining order?

-snip-You've got my sympathy, for what it's worth. Is there no way you can contact your godmother, or tell her about your present situation? I'm sure your dad/fiancé would back you up if you needed it. However, I'm no expert in the legality of denying access in the UK, let alone Canadian provinces (I assume it's a provincial responsibility) so I'd clue yourself up first.

Good luck.:fluffle:

Cut her off anyway. Unofficially, though. Just always be very busy when you get invited over, and unfortunately unable to come but you'd love to do so $someothertime. Also, be out of the house or away when/if she comes to visit. Eventually, she'll get the message and stop bothering you. Possibly.

That or report her to psychiatrists.

I,personally,would suggest talking to her first.Tell her you're giving her one chance-be very stern with her.Don't take any bullshit.If she tries to hit you,or says any bullshit about you,just turn and walk away,and don't talk to her until she makes contact with you.Push HER to make an apology.If she doesn't apologise,then bollocks to her,she sounds a rather terrible person.

Sorry she's too far gone. Tell her to either grow up or you'll never see her again.

If she continues, threaten to file harassment charges. That or a restraining order, citing that she is causing mental and emotional stress.

And if she hits you again in front of others REALLY file charges. Perhaps she'll understand that she doesn't have the right to control you anymore.

While you're at it find all her friends and tell them the truth, even if they don't believe you it'll still give them a little doubt in her.