NationStates Jolt Archive

This is from a different story - any tips? Thanks :)

Somewhere in the world, there is a country that hides its self. Named Equastius, only its residents know of its existence. The world -that is, the area that you, me, and ordinary human beings know as ‘the world’- has never found this hidden country. Created by magic over a thousand years ago, it has remained undetected even by animals with the keenest senses.
Equastius was created by Wordock, Leader of a powerful religion that had become fed up with our world. It would be created as a place where people could develop their senses -including supernatural senses- without fear of persecution or ridicule. Using his powers of telepathy, Wordock spoke to people across the world with his mind, inviting them to join, yet warning them that they must never leave.

AND ANOTHER SECTION:

There were no barriers or fences on the side of the bridges, so Gallant took great care as he treaded across the rain-soaked logs that made up the path of the bridge. As he crossed, the river flowed gently beneath him in the calm night wind.

The first passage has too much exposition (telling, not showing). It's good for you as the writer to have it all laid out in detail like that, but it's no fun for the reader to have to slog through it. If you have to have that much exposition, at least spread it out a little, or maybe have some of it revealed through the characters' dialogue.

The second passage is much better, but the phrase "Gallant took great care" is a bit of a cliche and is also kind of expository. Try writing the scene just by showing exactly what is happening to Gallant, as if the reader were viewing him on a movie screen. Something like:

Gallant put his right foot on the bridge. The rain-soaked logs creaked beneath his weight. He swallowed nervously; there were no rails on either side of the bridge. Nothing to hang on to. Nothing to stop him from falling. He put his left foot in front of his right. The bridge swayed slightly, and he sucked in his breath. He began to walk across the bridge, keeping his eyes straight in front of him and his hands a little ways out from his body, steadying his balance. Beneath him, where he dared not look, the river flowed gently by in the calm night wind.

Notice also that showing in detail what the character is doing is a great way of filling space on the page.

I'd recommend reading the collected works of George Orwell, and then coming back and writing your novel. He knew better than the vast majority of writers how to start a work of literature, and how to finish it.

If the passage below is intended to be an opening, it's not a very riveting one.

Somewhere in the world, there is a country that hides its self. Named Equastius, only its residents know of its existence. ...

Rather than starting by explaining what Equastius is, begin with some actual action:

"Blablabla thoughts.... He crossed the bridge... blablabla more thoughts... dialogue... random thing happens"

Then gradually reveal details about this country through dialogue, narration, or private thoughts. When you start something out the way you did above, it sounds rather bland and unexciting, and it would then be difficult to introduce characters:

"One day, a young Equastian named Sam was chopping wood/eating blueberry pie/getting his ass whupped at World of Warcraft..." Sounds like an early-high-school level story.

"For many years people had followed the teachings or ideas of Wordock. Until one fateful day when a boy named Sam..." It's a better transition but still not much more.

How many other ways are there to introduce characters with that kind of setup? - You see the problem?

In a work of fiction about an imaginary place, don't start out by describing the place. Make an outline, trailer, or back cover with that kind of description, fine, but don't actually write the story like that. Describe characters, events, thoughts, etc.—at least, if your tale is meant to be a narrative rather than a work of imaginary political science.