NationStates Jolt Archive

I started writing a horror story called 'The Christian' and announced it would be available some time in the new year, but now I've realised that it's pretty obvious what the 'twist' will be so it wouldn't be much of a twist at all - therefore I'm going to write a completely different story instead.

Here's an example (Shelly is a Christian, the second person speaking here is Albert, who has made it clear to Shelly that he is an Angle and when she asked for him to bless her he did so):

"But what about the attacks”, Shelly asked?
“The first and second can be put down to an immature man. The second can be put down to a faulty car. As for the…. sorry, I’m being called.” He left before Shelly could respond. Well he does have to help a lot of people, she thought. I’m glad he’s able to make time for me.

Can you guess what the twist was going to be?

He's an angle? Acute or Obtuse?

"But what about the attacks”, Shelly asked?
“The first and second can be put down to an immature man. The second can be put down to a faulty car. As for the…. sorry, I’m being called.” He left before Shelly could respond. Well he does have to help a lot of people, she thought. I’m glad he’s able to make time for me.

Can you guess what the twist was going to be?

That this is not an actual puerile piece of writing, but instead will be an example of such in a meta-story about writing (or, well, how not to write)?

That this is not an actual puerile piece of writing, but instead will be an example of such in a meta-story about writing (or, well, how not to write)?

What was wrong with the way that example was written?

(And more importantly, on what authority do you claim that there was something wrong with it - are you a renowned author?)

that man is the devil/demon!

either that or shes bonkers

What was wrong with the way that example was written?

"The first and second can be put down to an immature man. The second can be put down to a faulty car."

Well, there's this tautology, for one...

(And more importantly, on what authority do you claim that there was something wrong with it - are you a renowned author?)

No, I'm only a renowned reader (just ask my library lady) and that paragraph read like "high schooler."

"But what about the attacks?" Shelly asked, doing something or other.... *more description
“The first and second attacks can be put down to an immature man.... the second, to a faulty car. As for the... sorry, my phone is ringing." And indeed so it was; from somewhere behind them the sound of the telephone chimes insistently... *more description He left before Shelly could respond. Well he does have to help a lot of people, she thought. I’m glad he’s able to make time for me.

Question: Who the hell are these people, anyway? What do they look and act like, etc.; we don't even know one of their names or positions or anything else. The same is way too short for us to gather any information, except that that guy is either going to disappear mysteriously in the next few pages or turn out to be behind all of the attacks in the first place.

I seriously hope you weren't thinking of publishing a novel written in the style your original post was composed in.

~ Czardas, [un]Official NS Literary Critic

"The first and second can be put down to an immature man. The second can be put down to a faulty car."

Well, there's this tautology, for one...



No, I'm only a renowned reader (just ask my library lady) and that paragraph read like "high schooler."

I'm with Fass on this one.

~ Czardas, [un]Official NS Literary Critic

Burned....

No, I'm only a renowned reader (just ask my library lady) and that paragraph read like "high schooler."

True.

As a side note, I wrote my criticism in about 45 seconds and I far from covered everything wrong with those few sentences, so don't blame me for sins of omission.

That's one of the most mediocre examples of bad writing I've seen in a long time, at least since the peer review of other senior 1st term papers a couple of weeks ago.

That's one of the most mediocre examples of bad writing I've seen in a long time, at least since the peer review of other senior 1st term papers a couple of weeks ago.

Oh dear god, senior term papers range from surprisingly good (unbelievably rare) to truly god-awful (very often).

Valedictorian speeches are just as painful...

Oh dear god, senior term papers range from surprisingly good (unbelievably rare) to truly god-awful (very often).

Valedictorian speeches are just as painful...

You wouldn't believe how much they use Post hoc ergo propter hoc, forget where commas and periods go, misuse words and phrases... actually, you would, because you're stuck in high school for a superfluous year as well. ^=.x&

Oh dear god, senior term papers range from surprisingly good (unbelievably rare) to truly god-awful (very often).

Valedictorian speeches are just as painful...

My assignments (I guess they're a sort of British equivlant of 'term papers') can actually be darn good - I got the top class of grade last time. Trouble is, they don't require imagination and whilst I have a good imagination, I have a hard time putting it into words.

You wouldn't believe how much they use Post hoc ergo propter hoc, forget where commas and full stops go, misuse words and phrases... actually, you would, because you're stuck in high school for a superfluous year as well. ^=.x&

Fixed. Bloomin' Yank-English :P

Fixed. Bloomin' Yank-English :P

Wait, so you're Brit?

In that case, I'd better get about replacing all of your double quotes with single quotes. :P

Wait, so you're Brit?

In that case, I'd better get about replacing all of your double quotes with single quotes. :P

In fictional stories, double quotes are to be used when a character is talking - hence why they are nicknamed "speech marks".

And I'm not Brit, I'm British. Quit being lazy. Same goes for all you lot who use abbreviations for your states.

In fictional stories, double quotes are to be used when a character is talking - hence why they are nicknamed "speech marks".

And I'm not Brit, I'm British. Quit being lazy. Same goes for all you lot who use abbreviations for your states.

Ok, so you're United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Irelander?

Anyway, I'm off now (I'm not lazy, I'm time-constrained... sort of).

You wouldn't believe how much they use Post hoc ergo propter hoc, forget where commas and periods go, misuse words and phrases... actually, you would, because you're stuck in high school for a superfluous year as well. ^=.x&

Actually, I had to sit through two Valedictorian speeches literally ages ago, when I was in Elementary school (one was in Port Aransas; the other was in Port Isabel).

As for reports, I've seen quite a few of them on display at open houses (same places I mentioned above)... Imagine a Kindergartener gawking at the lack of polish and even proper grammar on science project reports. As far as knowing about the thing because I'm stuck in high school, that's really not true. See, the school I've been receiving correspondence from since late 1998 isn't even a real school (it's just a business connected to a church in Illinois), so none of it has mattered, and I haven't had any peers to make fun of for being dimwits, as far as grammar goes.

And, if you can't tell already, I'm dropping out of high school, even though I'm technically not dropping out, since I haven't actually been going to school since the start of the 4th grade... I guess it's straight to college on loans, eh?

Actually, I had to sit through two Valedictorian speeches literally ages ago, when I was in Elementary school (one was in Port Aransas; the other was in Port Isabel).

As for reports, I've seen quite a few of them on display at open houses (same places I mentioned above)... Imagine a Kindergartener gawking at the lack of polish and even proper grammar on science project reports. As far as knowing about the thing because I'm stuck in high school, that's really not true. See, the school I've been receiving correspondence from since late 1998 isn't even a real school (it's just a business connected to a church in Illinois), so none of it has mattered, and I haven't had any peers to make fun of for being dimwits, as far as grammar goes.

And, if you can't tell already, I'm dropping out of high school, even though I'm technically not dropping out, since I haven't actually been going to school since the start of the 4th grade... I guess it's straight to college on loans, eh?

con't you need good grades to get to college (which I presume you won't get if you drop out of high school)?

con't you need good grades to get to college (which I presume you won't get if you drop out of high school)?

Why the fuck would I perform poorly if I dropped out simply because I wasn't actually attending a real school? I haven't made a single B-grade in my life, pal. I soak up information like a sponge, so I learn what I need (as well as what I want) very quickly, and it sticks.

That's why I was able to memorise the entire script of Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure when I was four years old.