NationStates Jolt Archive

It appears that the solution to the low sex drive of pandas has been found. Panda keepers are using anal sex toys, wife swapping and porn to get pandas to screw. Who knew pandas were so kinky? Looks like the only reason they weren't breeding before is that they're just not into that vanilla sex.


http://www.theage.com.au/news/world/old-black-eyes-is-back/2006/12/16/1166162364593.html

To boost sex drive, they once tried the remedy used by countless millions of humans: Viagra. "We'll never do that again," Mr Zhang says. "The panda was excited for 24 hours."
A horny rampaging panda!
What a frightening vision.

To widen the genetic stock, researchers had to come up with a way to find a mate for even the least popular females. How did they do that? "We tricked them," Mr Zhang says with a smile.
The "trick" is to put a fertile and attractive female into a breeding pen, where she leaves scratchmarks and droppings capable of exciting a male. But at the last moment the females are swapped. The zookeepers introduce a new, less popular, mate who has been scented with the urine of the more attractive animals. She is introduced into the mating pen rear end first, so the male cannot see the face of his partner until they have finished copulating.

"When the males find out, they get very angry and start fighting the female," Mr Zhang says. "We have had to use firecrackers and a water hose to separate them."
That sounds like damn near ever singles bar in every country in the world.

To paraphrase Viz: -"Porn isn't going to get pandas pregnant, it'll just make Mr Panda want a blowjob, then do Mrs Panda up the arse and jizz all over her friends face."

Ok, never give a panda viagra, apparently it leaves them "excited" for 24 hours.

Poor fellow.


Any species so disinterested in breeding is doomed to extinction. We're delaying the inevitable just because they're cute.

A HAHAHAHA AHAHAHAH!!! HA! HA! HAHA! *snort* THAT'S FUNNY! HAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!! http://smilies.vidahost.com/otn/realhappy/xxrotflmao.gif

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously, I really think pandas have different opinions on what intercourse is. AHAHAHAHAHA!!! HAHA!! HA! AAAHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

so now Pandas have a better sex life then me :mad:

The "trick" is to put a fertile and attractive female into a breeding pen, where she leaves scratchmarks and droppings capable of exciting a male. But at the last moment the females are swapped. The zookeepers introduce a new, less popular, mate who has been scented with the urine of the more attractive animals. She is introduced into the mating pen rear end first, so the male cannot see the face of his partner until they have finished copulating.

"When the males find out, they get very angry and start fighting the female," Mr Zhang says. "We have had to use firecrackers and a water hose to separate them."

This is the best bit. Scat fetish aside, I can't blame the male pandas for being annoyed at that deception. I mean, if we pulled that trick on fellow humans, i'm sure we'd react in much the same way.

This is the best bit. Scat fetish aside, I can't blame the male pandas for being annoyed at that deception. I mean, if we pulled that trick on fellow humans, i'm sure we'd react in much the same way.

Well, um, I hate to be the one to tell you this but...

You know the thing you did?
Last night?
With that attractive... You know what I'm talking about.


...


That was a disguise.



That was Ruffy!
:eek:

*Hoses Kanabia down*

:p

The Panda, nature's very own sex comedy.

Wow. Fucking Pandas. Weirdos!

Can you imagine being the breeder coming up with this shit?

"Hey, we should try getting a hot panda to piss on an ugly one, and see what happens...snort, snort.."

"Dave?"

"Dave's not here man...he's breeding pandas."

Can you imagine being the breeder coming up with this shit?

"Hey, we should try getting a hot panda to piss on an ugly one, and see what happens...snort, snort.."

"Dave?"

"Dave's not here man...he's breeding pandas."

Can you imagine working there?

Ok, we need you to go down to the video store, Neesika, and pick out some hot videos for the pandas to watch...

Jim: "...Actually I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian: she was a panda."

Helen (quietly): "Hey, I *like* pandas. They're endangered, fella..."

Jim: "...Now, I don't know if you can tell by looking at me, but both my parents were white..."

Helen: "-I think one of them was a polar bear! ...That's why he went out with a panda!"

[pause, applause; Helen continues]

"...I didn't know he was going to be doing *bear* jokes. He's doing a big special and he's doing jokes about bears. Seems weird to me..."
The genius of Jim Gaffigan

Can you imagine being the breeder coming up with this shit?

"Hey, we should try getting a hot panda to piss on an ugly one, and see what happens...snort, snort.."

"Dave?"

"Dave's not here man...he's breeding pandas."
Good thing you didn't say

"Dave's not here, man - he's mating pandas." :D

And Neesika, when you pick out those videos, no lesbian stuff - you know that doesn't work with the pandas...

Good thing you didn't say

"Dave's not here, man - he's mating pandas." :D

Hahahahaha...I thought 'breeding' was on the line as it was...

Hahahahaha...I thought 'breeding' was on the line as it was...
And you know me, I just have to take it *sings* "One toke over the line, sweet Jesus, one toke over the line..."

Honestly, I don't even wanna know what else they tried that didn't work out and won't get mentioned in the article, like

- inflated rubber pandas
- peanut butter and jelly
- paw paint...

Panda lingerie?

Who knew pandas were so kinky?

I did.

Pandas have it made. They spend all day eating and having semen extracted by their zookeepers. I can't wait until I'm an endangered species.

Lab workers in Wolong display a rectal probe that is inserted into the anus of a sedated male. This is connected to an electricity supply and the charge is gradually increased until the panda ejaculates.... :eek: I... uh... are we sure this zoo worker doesn't have a fetish or something...

Panda lingerie?
RRRRRRRarrrrrr!

This is the best bit. Scat fetish aside, I can't blame the male pandas for being annoyed at that deception. I mean, if we pulled that trick on fellow humans, i'm sure we'd react in much the same way.

Yep...kill the ugly chick so your friends can never find out about it.

But humans have to go one step further. We have to call our best friend to help hide the body, and then bribe him with alcohol to never say a word. And on your wedding day, he will.:(

Yep...kill the ugly chick so your friends can never find out about it.

But humans have to go one step further. We have to call our best friend to help hide the body, and then bribe him with alcohol to never say a word. And on your wedding day, he will.:(
Well, you shouldn't have drunk so much on the wedding day, eh? And how did his inlaws react? :D

Well, you shouldn't have drunk so much on the wedding day, eh? And how did his inlaws react? :D

...I remember lots of screaming...
and bloodshed...




and then I found $5.

...and then I found $5.
Happiness ensues!

Yep...kill the ugly chick so your friends can never find out about it.

But humans have to go one step further. We have to call our best friend to help hide the body, and then bribe him with alcohol to never say a word. And on your wedding day, he will.:(
:eek:

I'm breaking off our engagement.

:eek:

I'm breaking off our engagement.

Good. I never wanted to be your brother in-law anyway.

Well, um, I hate to be the one to tell you this but...

You know the thing you did?
Last night?
With that attractive... You know what I'm talking about.


...


That was a disguise.



That was Ruffy!
:eek:

*Hoses Kanabia down*

:p

I should be so lucky. http://www.fuckyou.com/images/smilies/eyebrows.gif

It appears that the solution to the low sex drive of pandas has been found. Panda keepers are using anal sex toys, wife swapping and porn to get pandas to screw. Who knew pandas were so kinky? Looks like the only reason they weren't breeding before is that they're just not into that vanilla sex.


http://www.theage.com.au/news/world/old-black-eyes-is-back/2006/12/16/1166162364593.html

It's true. Panda porn works, too; just look at the wiki for Giant Pandas.

I did.

Pandas have it made. They spend all day eating and having semen extracted by their zookeepers. I can't wait until I'm an endangered species.

That we do. :)