NationStates Jolt Archive

Okay, here's the scenario. Your mother forces you to go to church, but somethign mysterious happens to the preacher so that he never shows up. Random people start going up to the pulpit and so you go up there.

What would you preach about, and how would your sermon go?

I would stage a Bible Fight Warfare!

I'd strip naked, have the entire congregation do the same thing, then put my underwear on my head and run around, praising the Underwear God.

Okay, here's the scenario. Your mother forces you to go to church, but somethign mysterious happens to the preacher so that he never shows up. Random people start going up to the pulpit and so you go up there.

What would you preach about, and how would your sermon go?

It would start with nonviolence, lead into socialism, and end with a cry of: "WORKINGMEN OF THE WORLD, UNITE!!!" Then I'd get hauled off the stage by a severly anti-communist crowd.

Probably about acceptance, decency and being professionally awesome.

I'd wrap it up with a vignette on mud, pie and cranberries.

I would extort the congregation to go out and think for themselves. Use that god-given mind. My sermon would be a great success until the congregation lined up and waited for me to tell them what to think.


*Hmmm.....*

Okay, here's the scenario. Your mother forces you to go to church, but somethign mysterious happens to the preacher so that he never shows up. Random people start going up to the pulpit and so you go up there.

What would you preach about, and how would your sermon go?

I would first stand for a full minute and pray for strength and wisdom. then I would reach the pulpit and say whatever the Lord inspires me to say

I would extort the congregation to go out and think for themselves. Use that god-given mind. My sermon would be a great success until the congregation lined up and waited for me to tell them what to think.


"You are all individuals!"
"WE ARE ALL INDIVIDUALS!"

:)

Comon,



Bible fights!

Love, Tolerance, and Compassion.

Something everybody seems to lack these days.

we can go home now the lord told me to tell you that
then leave

"You are all individuals!"
"WE ARE ALL INDIVIDUALS!"

:)

"I'm not..."

Logical arguements for the existance of God.

Logical arguements for the existance of God.

They don't exist, by definition.



As for me, I would play the Beatles. They've got all the best philosophy.

Ahem.

"All hail Discordia"

Ahem.

"All hail Discordia"
So, we can streak, with underwear on our head, praising the Spaghetti Monster? :D

Comon, think about it, divide the people up in half, make sure they each have equal amount of Bibles, and let loose! :D

I would probably go with my anti-Yankee speach. Either that or tell everyone to GET ON GABBLY!!!!

I would probably go with my anti-Yankee speach. Either that or tell everyone to GET ON GABBLY!!!!

"In other news, a woman was found smothered to death as a mob of church go'ers suddenly attacked her and crushed her to death, her name, Gabrella, but her friends called her Gabbly and described her as a fun, outgoing person. Malicious intent was ruled out for this attack..."

"In other news, a woman was found smothered to death as a mob of church go'ers suddenly attacked her and crushed her to death, her name, Gabrella, but her friends called her Gabbly and described her as a fun, outgoing person. Malicious intent was ruled out for this attack..."

Meh, they wouldn't listen to me. :(

Meh, they wouldn't listen to me. :(

well, if Gabbly was a hot woman or Man... they just might. ;)

Bishop Jumps Queen!
Pawn Jumps Queen!
Knight Jumps Queen!


GANG BANG!

The Almighty and Divine DoritoGod. :cool:

See my signature

I would preach about the lack of regular Pancake breakfasts at the church.

I would just whip out onto the internet and grab something from someone like Jonathan Edwards.

Like this one started...:

Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you (John 14:27).
THESE words are a part of a most affectionate and affecting discourse that Christ had with his disciples the same evening in which he was betrayed, knowing that he was to be crucified the next day. This discourse begins with the 31st verse of the 13th, and is continued to the end of the 16th chapter. Christ began his discourse after he partook of the passover with them, after he had instituted and administered the sacrament of the supper, and after Judas was gone out, and none were left but his true and faithful disciples; whom he now addresses as his dear children. This was the last discourse that Christ had with them before his death. As it was his parting discourse, and, as it were, his dying discourse, so it is on many accounts the most remarkable we have recorded in our Bibles.

It is evident this discourse made a deep impression on the minds of the disciples; and we may suppose that it did so, in a special manner, on the mind of John the beloved disciple, whose heart was especially full of love to him, and who had just then been leaning on his bosom.

And ended with:

In such a state as this you will have a foundation of peace and rest through all changes, and in times of the greatest uproar and outward calamity be defended from all storms, and dwell above the floods; Psalm xxxii. 6, 7. And you shall be at peace with every thing, and God will make all his creatures throughout all parts of his dominion, to befriend you; Job v. 19-24. You need not be afraid of any thing that your enemies can do unto you, Psal. iii. 5, 6. Those things that now are most terrible to you, viz. death, judgment, and eternity, will then be most comfortable, the most sweet and pleasant objects of your contemplation, at least there will be reason that they should be so.

Hearken therefore to the friendly counsel that is given you this day, turn your feet into the way of peace, forsake the foolish and live; forsake those things which are no other than the devil's baits, and seek after this excellent peace and rest of Jesus Christ, that peace of God which passeth all understanding. Taste and see; never was any disappointed that made a trial. Prov. xxiv. 13,14. You will not only find those spiritual comforts that Christ offers you to be of a surpassing sweetness for the present, but they will be to your soul as the dawning light that shines more and more to the perfect day; and the issue of all will be your arrival in heaven, that land of rest, those regions of everlasting joy, where your peace and happiness will be perfect, without the least mixture of trouble or affliction, and never be interrupted nor have an end.

And thus by reading the entire thing, I'd have complete sermon done ;)


The entire thing can be read here: http://www.jonathan-edwards.org/Peace.html

well, if Gabbly was a hot woman or Man... they just might. ;)

Bishop Jumps Queen!
Pawn Jumps Queen!
Knight Jumps Queen!


GANG BANG!

'S good to be the king...

I swear, I think Jonathan Edwards just needed to get laid. He was so bound up, he was ready to explode.

I swear, I think Jonathan Edwards just needed to get laid. He was so bound up, he was ready to explode.

Contrary to popular opinion, Puritans were not sexually inhibited like Victorians. Only they directed their desires to their spouse exclusively.

What would you preach about?

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/8/81/VforVendettaNorsefire.jpg

Why the masses need me to escape the impending chaos, as part of my plan for world domination, of course





(**changes mind, removes large barrel of "TNT" from a hidden pocket, places barrel next to pulpit, retreats to a safe distance, and places fingers in ears...**)

I'd preach about the evils of food, and tell them that if they were overweight, then they were going to hell for sure.
Also, anyone over 65 goes to hell.

So basically, everyone in the church would go to hell.
Mm, yes.

"Mah children! Ah would like to take this opportunity to talk to you about God's greatest gift to us all! Bacon!"