NationStates Jolt Archive

Occasional poster, long time clicker of "latest threads" and now I need some help with my personal life.

OK so last saturday my best friend B told me that her and this other guy, T, who we live with has started going out with each other. We're in a gigantic 9-bedroom student house and they share the top floor. Now them two starting going out made me realise for definite (I've not really been sure for ages) that I like her as more than a friend, and thats really cocking things up right now.

Now everyone knows how I feel (including B and T) and they're ok with it but recognise that it has to stop, as do I. Now my problem is that I'm not sure how to go about that. At the minute I'm trying to keep my distance from her, and especially from them when they're together. On wednesday we all went out and they were together and it was pretty horrible, so that tells me that it might be better for me if I just dont go out when they do, but since we all tend to go out together that would end up with me hardly going out at all, and we couldnt have that! I know that if you're worried about doing something then you're supposed to do it over and over until you get used to doing it, so maybe I should not even try to avoid them at all and try to stick it out?

A rather complicating factor is that the reason that we started being friends in the first place is that I had a really rough time last year (our first year of uni) and she was the one who helped me through that, and was the first person in a very long time who I actually believed cared about me. And up until last week she was still the one I went to when I was feeling upset and she would cheer me up. That's why I fancy her in the first place- she's not even my type, but I relied on her to make me feel better. Now she's perfectly willing for it to be like that even now but I think that if I go back to the old status quo then I'm not going to change the way I feel about her. I've pretty much just transferred my "I feel bad I need a hug" to this other girl in our house, and am desperately hoping that I wont end up fancying her as well.

So I need advice on how to stop feeling the way I do about B without completely ruining our friendship. I'm pretty sure that she'll always want to be friends with me, but I'm not sure I can stop feeling about her the way I do without stopping liking her altogether. I sortof think that if I had a girlfriend of my own then it'd all go away but I'm not exactly holding my breath on that front.:headbang:

On the one hand I'm worried about ending up like I was last year because I've pushed away the best friend I've ever had, but on the other hand I'm worried about getting hurt every time I see B&T together, which is likely to be a lot. Today we watched TV together and I just basically stared at the screen and completely ignored them unless they spoke to me, but I'm not sure either of them appreciated it much.

Is anyone feeling friendly and adviceful? How do I end up getting hurt the least by this?

I've never been in this situation, but I've seen it a lot and I know (in a manner) how hard it can be.

I think you just have to deal with it as best you can. You want to be friends with all these people still, especially B, right? You're not going to be able to do that if you change radically from the way you behaved toward them before this all started.

I would say that you just have to let B go in the realm of romance. Will it be hard? Of course. But that's the only way I see that will end in the least amount of hurt. Try to be friendly with them still. Later, B may want to have a relationship with you (which is a whole other topic) and providing you still feel the same way, your chance will be then.

I think it is best for both of you to just let your feelings go.

I'll be praying. :)

I wish I could help, but I haven't the faintest.

Have sex with someone else.

i've found myself in a similar situation twice, in fact i'm still in this situation. the differences for me were that the first flatmate i liked too much had a boyfriend that lived a way away so we didn't really see him, but i was still very much aware of the fact that she had a boyfriend and it wasn't me. also neither of them have any idea i like/liked them. the second flatmate i like too much isn't my flatmate anymore but i never really fancied her til we were moving out of our flat and she had just split up with her long term boyfriend. the first one i liked too much i'm now living with again but i don't fancy her anymore, the other i'm still working on not fancying.

anyway, i got over fancying the first one by maintaining some seperation from her. she went to france for a year so obviously that helped. before that though, i just constantly put myself in the position of having to deal with my feelings and eventually i managed to rationalise them to the point where they didn't mean anything anymore. it was hard with her because she was very much "my type" but i found that if i focused on the things i didn't like about her and magnified them in my mind the rest just fell away from importance. she's still a great friend but i don't fancy her at all anymore.

the second friend is not really my type at all. she's not the kind of personality i'd be attracted to apart from as a friend and while she is very beautiful she has rather ... cruel features, but she can transform to being ridiculously cute in the blink of an eye and that just always gets me. she used to say that her boyfriend thought she was cute and she didn't understand it and i didn't either then and said so. but since she's split with him i've noticed it. waah! so, anyway, i'm trying to get over her the same way by focusing on stuff i'm not attracted to about her. it's a bit harder seeing as i can't quite pin down why i am suddenly attracted to her but even typing this is helping.

i'm not sure i've actually been any help at all, but maybe you can take something from comparing my experiences to your current one. the main thing i'd say is that it's not worth wrecking a decent friendship over it so isolating yourself is not a great idea. i say that mainly cuz i also had a rough first year and in my second year my flatmates became my best friends even though i hadn't known them before. if i'd distanced myself from them in order to get over a crush i'd have had no real friends left.

Have sex with someone else.

yeh, do that too.

Take a pair of her underwear, put them on your head and run around naked.

i've found myself in a similar situation twice, in fact i'm still in this situation.

At least its not just me then.

Have sex with someone else.

If you're offering, I'm not that picky.

Take a pair of her underwear, put them on your head and run around naked.

i was going the have sex with someone else plan, but this one is better.

i'm not very useful in these kind of emotional things, i mostly only feel anger.

Is anyone feeling friendly and adviceful? How do I end up getting hurt the least by this?

In all matters of the heart, the least painful course is self-castration. :)

You're screwed no matter what you do, Jonny. But there is a way to minimize the damage. You need to get your head together first and figure out, "Which chica do I like t3h bestest?" Once you've made the assessment, the best way to go about this is to be direct and honest to all parties involved.

If you end up breaking up with your best friend, for example, tell her your feelings, that she isn't your type, but you still treasure her friendship and all the good times you've had together.

The straight-shooter approach has always worked for me, but I make no guarantees for you. All I can say from my experience with this is that you'll deal with less crap down the line if you just work out any relationship troubles as you see them.

you have classic "now I can't have her syndrome."


You really don't want her, you jsut think you do because she is with someone else. Go get drunk, hook up with someone, regret it the next day, and tell her about it.

She'll go back to being a friend instead of an interest.

you have classic "now I can't have her syndrome."


You really don't want her, you jsut think you do because she is with someone else. Go get drunk, hook up with someone, regret it the next day, and tell her about it.

She'll go back to being a friend instead of an interest.

Actually, that is the best move for him if he doesn't want her. Live and let live.

It looks to me like you don't like her but you like what she is about.
Find someone that is your type.

I say your just jealous because your not the one getting the attention anymore (I suffer from this all the time!)

what I suggest is get another girl to chase works for me in this situation (and for fecks sake don’t tell her like a prat!!!)

Duel at High Noon. That'll fix it.

*Plays the theme to The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly*

Thanks for the replies guys, think I'll just have to try stick it out. We wont see each other much over christmas so hopefully after then itll all have blown over. Plus I'll keep on trying to find someone else- must happen eventually!

erm.... I'd try being honest:eek:

No seriously, just try. I assume this isn't just "aww, you're purty and close by" attraction, and thus, if you genuinely care for B's happiness, accept it, attempt to temper and control your own emotions, and allow her the happiness she deserves.

Failing that, pay a hooker to get T drunk and sleep with him, and then enjoy the carnage...;)

Thanks for the replies guys, think I'll just have to try stick it out. We wont see each other much over christmas so hopefully after then itll all have blown over. Plus I'll keep on trying to find someone else- must happen eventually!

This thread is useless without pics.

Is anyone feeling friendly and adviceful? How do I end up getting hurt the least by this?I was in a similar situation once. I've cut off all contact with the people involved. I hope you find a better solution. :)