NationStates Jolt Archive

how does one generally approach the discussion of exclusivity?

I mean, I know there are some people who simply assume an exclusive relationship past a certain point, but I personally don't like to make assumptions and always seem to either wait until the other person brings something up or bring it up in a really awkward way.

how does one generally approach the discussion of exclusivity?

I mean, I know there are some people who simply assume an exclusive relationship past a certain point, but I personally don't like to make assumptions and always seem to either wait until the other person brings something up or bring it up in a really awkward way.

"You're the only one for me."
"Aww, I feel the same way."

My knowledge of relationships is astounding, I know.

If a girl asked me that once, ONCE, it might be alright, but would be pretty weird nonetheless.

Twice, and the "clingy psycho" alarm would go off, which is the worst-case-scenario for the relationship.

"You're the only one for me."
"Aww, I feel the same way."

My knowledge of relationships is astounding, I know.
Hmm... I might be somewhat weirded out if someone I was dating for a month and a half phrased it that way.

how does one generally approach the discussion of exclusivity?

I mean, I know there are some people who simply assume an exclusive relationship past a certain point, but I personally don't like to make assumptions and always seem to either wait until the other person brings something up or bring it up in a really awkward way.

I'm normally faced with the exact opposite problem ;)
It's always a bit tricky, though.

"How do you feel about polygamy?"

If a girl asked me that once, ONCE, it might be alright, but would be pretty weird nonetheless.

Twice, and the "clingy psycho" alarm would go off, which is the worst-case-scenario for the relationship.
So is the guy supposed to bring this up then? (I don't think I've ever initiated such a conversation when I wanted it to be exclusive, I have initiated it a couple times when I wanted to make sure a guy I was dating knew it wasn't)

Would something like "So, I was wondering about the status of our relationship is, I quite like you and don't really want to see anyone else and want to know if you feel likewise." be alright?

If a girl asked me that once, ONCE, it might be alright, but would be pretty weird nonetheless.

Twice, and the "clingy psycho" alarm would go off, which is the worst-case-scenario for the relationship.

....what?

"How do you feel about polygamy?"
Oh, no, I actually want to see this boy exclusively. I like him a bunch.

Oh, no, I actually want to see this boy exclusively. I like him a bunch.

Then you should hope he says he's against it. :p

....what?

Clingy? aren't familiar with that kind of psycho? Clings on, cloying, smothering, annoying &c &c.

Then you should hope he says he's against it. :p
Well, I know he has dated a girl who was dating other people at the same time and he was fine with that, well he dumped her for other reasons. So chances are he wouldn't be against it.

Well, I know he has dated a girl who was dating other people at the same time and he was fine with that, well he dumped her for other reasons. So chances are he wouldn't be against it.

....Ah, fine whatever. I just wanted it to have the word polygamy in it. Maybe you can cough in the middle and sort of mutter it? *coughpolygacoughmycoughocugh*

Clingy? aren't familiar with that kind of psycho? Clings on, cloying, smothering, annoying &c &c.

you associate a woman wanting to see someone exclusivly as "psycho"? Not much luck in the serious relationship department huh?

you associate a woman wanting to see someone exclusivly as "psycho"? Not much luck in the serious relationship department huh?

No, I associate women who broach the subject repeatedly with 'psycho.'

I don't think i'm going very far out on a limb here, but normal people take that for granted.

Asking 5x a day "do you love me? tell me you love me?" Dropping engagement ring hints, conniving to have a kid so as to force marriage, repeated "am I the only one? am I? am I? am I the only one?" &c &c &c &c &c &c &c

-PUKE-

I'm honestly surprised that you've had no experience in life with a clingy psycho. You'd understand right away what I mean.

I don't know.........hubby sat me down with the "we need to talk" that scared the crap out of me.....then said "I haven't really been seeing anyone else, have you?" to which I replied "nope" and he said "I don't want to see anyone else" and I said "me either" and then we got engaged about 2 weeks later, and married about a week after that.

i prefer to be pretty monogamous in relationships,then again i don't share well with others.:)

No, I associate women who broach the subject repeatedly with 'psycho.'

I don't think i'm going very far out on a limb here, but normal people take that for granted.

Asking 5x a day "do you love me? tell me you love me?" Dropping engagement ring hints, conniving to have a kid so as to force marriage, repeated "am I the only one? am I? am I? am I the only one?" &c &c &c &c &c &c &c

-PUKE-
Oh please, don't act like it's just women who do that. I've encountered a lot of really clingy, crazy guys too. I'm not asking about how to be clingy and psychotic though, I mostly want some idea of the status of the relationship. I mean, if he doesn't want to see me exclusively then that's still alright, we haven't been seeing each other very long so I don't expect him to want to jump into something necessarily. I would just mostly like to know what's going on. Especially since we're going to be apart much of next month (we're both going to visit our parents for the holidays)

Okay, I don't get it. This is the second time this week for me this has come up and I still don't get it.

Is it common in the US to see two (or more) people at the same time? I mean, I can see that there are different kinds of relationships - but to me that's either you're interested in each other and in the process of getting together, or you're having a one-night-stand/fuck buddy kind of relationship.

I'm entirely serious, too - I really am not sure how things like that seem to work in the US. Or maybe elsewhere, too? I had this discussion with an American earlier this week, and I've never understood US "dating rules" to begin with, so if anyone can enlighten me, I'd be grateful.

Fellow Germans: does this sound familiar to you at all?? Are we the ones with the weird dating habits? :p

I don't know.........hubby sat me down with the "we need to talk" that scared the crap out of me.....then said "I haven't really been seeing anyone else, have you?" to which I replied "nope" and he said "I don't want to see anyone else" and I said "me either" and then we got engaged about 2 weeks later, and married about a week after that.
Woah, that's pretty crazy.

As much as I like this guy, I wouldn't want to jump right into something that requires that much commitment, hell, for me wanting to see the guy exclusively a month in is really fast and something I view as a fair bit of commitment. But yeah, if it worked out for you then that's what matters.

Oh please, don't act like it's just women who do that. I've encountered a lot of really clingy, crazy guys too. I'm not asking about how to be clingy and psychotic though, I mostly want some idea of the status of the relationship. I mean, if he doesn't want to see me exclusively then that's still alright, we haven't been seeing each other very long so I don't expect him to want to jump into something necessarily. I would just mostly like to know what's going on. Especially since we're going to be apart much of next month (we're both going to visit our parents for the holidays)

Oh, I'm sure there are men who are the same way. I dont date other guys though, so I am not really concerned with that.

At any rate, I should hope the examples serve to dissuade the two sexes from that sort of relationship psycho-bullshit respectively.

Okay, I don't get it. This is the second time this week for me this has come up and I still don't get it.

Is it common in the US to see two (or more) people at the same time? I mean, I can see that there are different kinds of relationships - but to me that's either you're interested in each other and in the process of getting together, or you're having a one-night-stand/fuck buddy kind of relationship.

I'm entirely serious, too - I really am not sure how things like that seem to work in the US. Or maybe elsewhere, too? I had this discussion with an American earlier this week, and I've never understood US "dating rules" to begin with, so if anyone can enlighten me, I'd be grateful.

Fellow Germans: does this sound familiar to you at all?? Are we're the ones with the weird dating habits? :p

There is the trend lately to go out with one person and stick with that person until you "break up" which I think has caused a lot of the "well, we have been dating for 2 years so we might as well get married, it's the next step" trend that has increased the divorce rate.

I dated a few people at a time, meaning I went out on dates with people, we didn't like have sex or anything, I only would switch to a "serious relationship" (meaning dating them alone) after a while when I thought I could possibly marry them, but then would break up with them when I figured out the relationship wasn't going to last long enough for me. It's not the norm from what I can tell though.

Okay, I don't get it. This is the second time this week for me this has come up and I still don't get it.

Is it common in the US to see two (or more) people at the same time? I mean, I can see that there are different kinds of relationships - but to me that's either you're interested in each other and in the process of getting together, or you're having a one-night-stand/fuck buddy kind of relationship.

I'm entirely serious, too - I really am not sure how things like that seem to work in the US. Or maybe elsewhere, too? I had this discussion with an American earlier this week, and I've never understood US "dating rules" to begin with, so if anyone can enlighten me, I'd be grateful.

Fellow Germans: does this sound familiar to you at all?? Are we're the ones with the weird dating habits? :p
From what I heard
-In europe its common to date more than one person
-In the US its OK to CASUALLY date more than one person maybe like take one girl out for dinner on saturday then if you weren't too impressed leave her and take a diffferent woman out the next saturday. But it is far more common to be exclusive.
-In Austalia, if you cheat on someone you will never get another date again

Woah, that's pretty crazy.

As much as I like this guy, I wouldn't want to jump right into something that requires that much commitment, hell, for me wanting to see the guy exclusively a month in is really fast and something I view as a fair bit of commitment. But yeah, if it worked out for you then that's what matters.

all I am saying is it could get moving pretty quickly so keep an eye on it (not that it didn't work out for me or anything)

you could start the "so are you dating anyone else?" thing but you gotta be careful.

Danger of clinginess aside, I advise against this on two counts.

1) It gives the impression you do not trust your partner (Why would she think she has to ask?)

2) It gives the impression you cannot yourself be trusted (Why would she ask that?)

Is it common in the US to see two (or more) people at the same time? I mean, I can see that there are different kinds of relationships - but to me that's either you're interested in each other and in the process of getting together, or you're having a one-night-stand/fuck buddy kind of relationship.
I'm not in the US, but I kinda view it as the first little while you're casually dating a person until at some point you start to see them exclusively... it's the transition that's kinda weird. Some people date differently though, they jump right in with an exclusive relationship and then move right onto the next person when it's over. I don't really like to do that though, I prefer to get to know someone before agreeing not to find someone else to date.

Basically there's a casual dating relationship and then a boyfriend/girlfriend dating relationship... and then whatever else afterwards, I've never gotten past that stage.

Oh, I'm sure there are men who are the same way. I dont date other guys though, so I am not really concerned with that.

At any rate, I should hope the examples serve to dissuade the two sexes from that sort of relationship psycho-bullshit respectively.
Yeah, nothing like a guy telling you he'd like to father your children a couple months in and then give guilt trips when you don't want to move in with him...

You have no idea how much I appreciate sanity in a potential partner after that one.

how does one generally approach the discussion of exclusivity?

I mean, I know there are some people who simply assume an exclusive relationship past a certain point, but I personally don't like to make assumptions and always seem to either wait until the other person brings something up or bring it up in a really awkward way.

Say what you mean and mean what you say.

Simply say--"Are we going to just be with each other(IF you want it this way include--> I would really prefer it that way, I dont want to be pushy, but I think you realize I want you all to myself, and i am perfectly willing to give all of myself to you."

Or something like that.

Beating around the bush is annoying, I am not saying use my words but just say it--and fecking mean it, no matter what it is.


EDIT, everyone seems to be trying to get you to be circumspect, dont do that. Honesty and straightforwardness is hot, and its CLEAR.
Tell the person you werent sure how to pbring up exclusivity, so you figured a striaght shot was the way to go----dont be all tip toeing and velveting about it, deception is a subtle art---there is no reason in expressing your emotions you should be forced to be subtle.

Danger of clinginess aside, I advise against this on two counts.

1) It gives the impression you do not trust your partner (Why would she think she has to ask?)

2) It gives the impression you cannot yourself be trusted (Why would she ask that?)
While I can see how those would be concerns, how would it be an issue of trust if there hasn't been an agreement not to see other people? I mean, if after agreeing not to see anyone else these questions were coming up then clearly that's a trust issue, but if no such agreement has been worked out then both parties should be free to date whomever they please.

There is the trend lately to go out with one person and stick with that person until you "break up"
Umm, yes, isn't that how it's usually done? O.O

I mean, obviously it's not, but here it definitely is.

Then again, I'm 33, so who the hell knows if maybe my dating habits are old and rusty and Victorian compared to "the kids today". So if anyone wants to correct me, feel free.

which I think has caused a lot of the "well, we have been dating for 2 years so we might as well get married, it's the next step" trend that has increased the divorce rate.
OMG, well, that certainly isn't was happens here.

I dated a few people at a time, meaning I went out on dates with people, we didn't like have sex or anything, I only would switch to a "serious relationship" (meaning dating them alone) after a while when I thought I could possibly marry them, but then would break up with them when I figured out the relationship wasn't going to last long enough for me. It's not the norm from what I can tell though.
That's exactly what I mean - that's what I thought/think was meant with the whole "not seeing someone exclusively" thing.
And here, that's REALLY unusual. Personally, I have never encountered that even once with me or my friends.

Huh, interesting.


From what I heard
-In europe its common to date more than one person
see above

-In the US its OK to CASUALLY date more than one person maybe like take one girl out for dinner on saturday then if you weren't too impressed leave her and take a diffferent woman out the next saturday. But it is far more common to be exclusive.
Well, okay, that's different than dating several people at the same time, though. Meeting with someone once or a couple of times, not liking them, and moving on to someone else is common, obviously.

I'm not in the US, but I kinda view it as the first little while you're casually dating a person until at some point you start to see them exclusively... it's the transition that's kinda weird. Some people date differently though, they jump right in with an exclusive relationship and then move right onto the next person when it's over. I don't really like to do that though, I prefer to get to know someone before agreeing not to find someone else to date.

Basically there's a casual dating relationship and then a boyfriend/girlfriend dating relationship... and then whatever else afterwards, I've never gotten past that stage.

Hmm, okay. I see what you mean now.

While I can see how those would be concerns, how would it be an issue of trust if there hasn't been an agreement not to see other people? I mean, if after agreeing not to see anyone else these questions were coming up then clearly that's a trust issue, but if no such agreement has been worked out then both parties should be free to date whomever they please.

i pretty much agree with you.
i do think,unless it is stated before hand that it is casual only,after having sex is a pretty good indicator of exclusiveness,at least with the women i have dated.

then again,i was married young after not many relationships of a serious nature,divorced after 8 years.

so now i get my dating tips from seinfeld reruns..lol

i pretty much agree with you.
i do think,unless it is stated before hand that it is casual only,after having sex is a pretty good indicator of exclusiveness,at least with the women i have dated.

then again,i was married young after not many relationships of a serious nature,divorced after 8 years.

so now i get my dating tips from seinfeld reruns..lol
I know that not everyone takes sex as being an indicator of seeing someone exclusively, I mean, there are a lot of people who would have (or at least suggest) sex on the first date.

I know that not everyone takes sex as being an indicator of seeing someone exclusively, I mean, there are a lot of people who would have (or at least suggest) sex on the first date.


thats true,but i will note..i have repeatedly told women...this is only for fun,right?
just having fun..nothing serious,right?
oh yea..just for fun my ass..next thing the phone calls are nonstop,then the inevitable "you used me for sex"
dont bother saying i thought we talked about it before...just for fun.

just my exsperiance with women,they tend to take sex more serious then men as far as relationships go.

i may be wrong,but every women i have been with in a sexual way..take it as more then it is..even if discussed prior.

then again,i am pretty old,and may not be down with you youngins.

how does one generally approach the discussion of exclusivity?

I mean, I know there are some people who simply assume an exclusive relationship past a certain point, but I personally don't like to make assumptions and always seem to either wait until the other person brings something up or bring it up in a really awkward way.Once you reach a certain point at which you can say the relationship is "not platonic". Then it's time for a talk.

how does one generally approach the discussion of exclusivity?

I mean, I know there are some people who simply assume an exclusive relationship past a certain point, but I personally don't like to make assumptions and always seem to either wait until the other person brings something up or bring it up in a really awkward way.
In my culture, exclusivity is generally assumed to exist right from the start of a romantic relationship between two people.

In my culture, exclusivity is generally assumed to exist right from the start of a romantic relationship between two people. So it's not just ze krazy Germans. Whew. :p

thats true,but i will note..i have repeatedly told women...this is only for fun,right?
just having fun..nothing serious,right?
oh yea..just for fun my ass..next thing the phone calls are nonstop,then the inevitable "you used me for sex"
dont bother saying i thought we talked about it before...just for fun.

just my exsperiance with women,they tend to take sex more serious then men as far as relationships go.

i may be wrong,but every women i have been with in a sexual way..take it as more then it is..even if discussed prior.

then again,i am pretty old,and may not be down with you youngins.
Again, this is definitely not something that women are the only ones to do. I've dated men where it's like we made out once and all of a sudden I'm his "girlfriend" and he's taking it seriously? Maybe I'm weird in that I separate the physical and emotional aspects of a relationship to some extent (especially in the beginning sex isn't an emotional experience for me) but I've had guys who just seem to expect sex and commitment right off the bat and that's really not something I'm at all cool with.

I mean, I'm not huge on casual sex, but sex without the emotional commitment is alright as far as I'm concerned. I'm not going to go fuck some random guy in a bar or someone I just met or anything like that, but after a couple dates...

In my culture, exclusivity is generally assumed to exist right from the start of a romantic relationship between two people.

here in Australia, that is basically how it works, too - generally you date one person at a time but if you decide to spend time [sexual or non-sexual] with another person that you're attracted to, you'd better make sure the other doesn't know about it as it'll be usually be viewed as cheating

dating here is pretty much the start of a relationship but that can depend, too, as Oz had a strong multi-cultural society so not everyone sees it the same

having said, that there is a pretty strong culture of 'casual' sex but it's easy to get a bad rep for it - doesn't matter if you're a guy or girl

i've always found that being straight up about everything was the best way - whatever the issue was, i'd say what i thought [one time - not a ten times], make sure it was understand and then ask for a response.

No big set-ups, no romantic pressure or the dreaded, "We need to talk." Just a straight forward, normal conversation with no psycho-overtones. To use Dakini's situation as an example,

"I've really enjoyed being with you lately. How do you feel about dating exclusively for a while? I'd like to try it but tell me what you think."

You're being honest and direct without turning it into a big, emotional thing that would freak any guy out.

Now the guy is either going to say yes or no or i don't know. For me, 'I don't know' counts as 'no' - it sure doesn't mean yes!

From there you decide what is right for you - even if his response is disappointing, keep it cool - he's just being honest and that is better than him lying about it just to keep from hurting your feelings.

In vino, veritas.

That's what I'd advise you look at trying.

Things I learned in this thread:

1) Witt-Witt's 33.

2) I some areas it freakily enough seems to be normal to be 'dating' more than one person simultaneously.

3) I am not the only one who'd include 'freakily enough' in the statement above.

I mean, I can see how you are sorta interested in more than one person (and while it might feel weird, I could see asking more than one girl to go out meet and do stuff in the same time period), but the second you've actually done the mutual interest part (say, not only gone for coffee together, but, you know, kissed and expressed the wish for things to keep going that way), you don't 'see' any other people no more, as in, no more 'dating' anybody else for any other prupose than to do friendship-y things with them, right? Right?

I mean, we are talking having been dating for one and a half months here for the Elk's sake, right?

"So I had sex with your best friend last night. I'm assuming that's OK?"

here in Australia, that is basically how it works, too - generally you date one person at a time but if you decide to spend time [sexual or non-sexual] with another person that you're attracted to, you'd better make sure the other doesn't know about it as it'll be usually be viewed as cheating

dating here is pretty much the start of a relationship

Things I learned in this thread:

1) Witt-Witt's 33.

2) I some areas it freakily enough seems to be normal to be 'dating' more than one person simultaneously.

3) I am not the only one who'd include 'freakily enough' in the statement above.

I mean, I can see how you are sorta interested in more than one person (and while it might feel weird, I could see asking more than one girl to go out meet and do stuff in the same time period), but the second you've actually done the mutual interest part (say, not only gone for coffee together, but, you know, kissed and expressed the wish for things to keep going that way), you don't 'see' any other people no more, as in, no more 'dating' anybody else for any other prupose than to do friendship-y things with them, right? Right?

I mean, we are talking having been dating for one and a half months here for the Elk's sake, right?
I can't tell you how glad I am to see that it wasn't just me being thick and contrarian, but that there actually is a difference in dating habits between some countries.

And I don't know about Ninja Penguin, but I know SoWiBi is only around 20 or so (right?), so it seems it's not because I'm old and "out of the loop" either.

I know SoWiBi is only around 20 or so (right?), so it seems it's not because I'm old and "out of the loop" either.

The first one's correct, and I very much assume that your conclusion is correct, too.

Things I learned in this thread:

1) Witt-Witt's 33.

2) I some areas it freakily enough seems to be normal to be 'dating' more than one person simultaneously.

3) I am not the only one who'd include 'freakily enough' in the statement above.

I mean, I can see how you are sorta interested in more than one person (and while it might feel weird, I could see asking more than one girl to go out meet and do stuff in the same time period), but the second you've actually done the mutual interest part (say, not only gone for coffee together, but, you know, kissed and expressed the wish for things to keep going that way), you don't 'see' any other people no more, as in, no more 'dating' anybody else for any other prupose than to do friendship-y things with them, right? Right?

I mean, we are talking having been dating for one and a half months here for the Elk's sake, right?
Well, yes, but I don't know how things stand necessarily because different people do different things when they date.

Well, yes, but I don't know how things stand necessarily because different people do different things when they date.

Yeah, but your hesitation implies that there is a good chance that he does it that multiple dating way, and that is what leaves Witt-Witt, me, and several others rather... uh? I mean, around here, if I were dating someone the way you seem to have bene dating him, I would never ever waste a single thought on the non-probability that she might be 'dating' the way you imply.

I can't tell you how glad I am to see that it wasn't just me being thick and contrarian, but that there actually is a difference in dating habits between some countries.

And I don't know about Ninja Penguin, but I know SoWiBi is only around 20 or so (right?), so it seems it's not because I'm old and "out of the loop" either.But even here, it realy does depend on the person. Although it's clear that it's totally within the rules to be dating more than one person at once, lots of people just don't do that. For one, it's pretty stressful to be dating people all at once. I think it kinda depends on your philosophy:whether you date heaps of people and weed them out later, in which case it's pretty efficient to do it all at once, or if you choose people you like to begin with, in which case dating more than one might be a bit morally problematic.
Since I'm no good at dating at all I go with the latter since it minimizes the pain.

Although it's clear that it's totally within the rules to be dating more than one person at once,
I would go as far as saying "not here", which I think is exactly what 'our side' is trying to tell you lot here. :]

But even here, it realy does depend on the person. Although it's clear that it's totally within the rules to be dating more than one person at once, lots of people just don't do that. For one, it's pretty stressful to be dating people all at once. I think it kinda depends on your philosophy:whether you date heaps of people and weed them out later, in which case it's pretty efficient to do it all at once, or if you choose people you like to begin with, in which case dating more than one might be a bit morally problematic.
Since I'm no good at dating at all I go with the latter since it minimizes the pain.

Ah, okay, I see. Yeah, here it's really only the latter (except when somebody is looking for a string of quickies). Maybe we're just really good at minimizing pain. :p

I would go as far as saying "not here", which I think is exactly what 'our side' is trying to tell you lot here. :]
You know, even with the pseudo-smilies you still manage to sound bitchy.:p ;)

Just ask if they like Warren Jeffs.

Yeah, but your hesitation implies that there is a good chance that he does it that multiple dating way, and that is what leaves Witt-Witt, me, and several others rather... uh? I mean, around here, if I were dating someone the way you seem to have bene dating him, I would never ever waste a single thought on the non-probability that she might be 'dating' the way you imply.
No, I don't know if he does generally do it the multiple dating way, I'd be willing to bet that he isn't seeing anyone else. I have encountered men who don't go the exclusive route right away though and I would rather not make assumptions on what's going on.

You know, even with the pseudo-smilies you still manage to sound bitchy.:p ;)I didn't get a bitchy vibe at all. But then, I've accidentally gotten myself 3-month-long silent treatments because of erronious tone interpretation....

I didn't get a bitchy vibe at all. But then, I've accidentally gotten myself 3-month-long silent treatments because of erronious tone interpretation....
:p

Everyone is different – you have to tailor your expectations to match your partner.

From my own personal perspective, I’ve known women who expect you to not even look at another woman starting on the first date and women who are in long-term committed relationships with a couple of guys.

My own sense of propriety is quite simple.
There are 6 stages of relationships.

Stage 1 – nothing important.

The third date is key – the first 3 dates are nothing as it takes at least 3 dates to figure out if you are compatible or not. The end of the third date you know if you want to start ‘dating’ them, try being just friends, or go your separate ways no harm done.

Stage 2 – casually dating

Casually dating someone means that you are enjoying your dates and look forward to seeing them, but do not go out of your way to make it work. No rearranging your schedule to fit theirs, just when you both have free you try to get together. Little emotional connections so there should be no crying and sobbing because you don’t want to rearrange your work schedule so you can spend more time together (psycho warning #1). You should still be dating other people – you really don’t know this person that well yet and do not want to pass up someone that might be really great. Keep yourself open to new opportunities to learn and grow.

Stage 3 – semi-serious

This stage can come at any time - sometimes it happens right away, sometimes it will never happen, but the most important thing you can remember here is that every relationship is different and you do not, under any circumstances, try to force it to fit some mold of what you think a relationship should be like.

During this stage the emotional connection firms up and you are well past the point where you can cause emotional harm, so be courteous. You should have a little sense of obligation and must take their feelings into consideration on the exclusivity thing. If she is upset at the prospect of you dating more than just her, then you have to make a decision. Personally, if a woman demands exclusivity in less than a month (and it has to have been a fairly intensive month) I just walk away as it is generally a sign of a jealous or obsessive type of personality. Either way, you must come to an agreement on the exclusivity or part ways; sometimes it is possible to back off a bit, but generally one party is just faking that bit to avoid a breakup.

Stage 4 – very serious

By the time you get to this stage, you are expecting to be with this person for the foreseeable future. You might even move in together. Most people assume exclusivity by this point – if you are still dating other people and have not talked about it you will most likely be the victim of some choice screaming and throwing of things when it comes to light that you have not been exclusive. I have no sympathy for you here (and might even help in the tossing of your precious things at your head)

Stage 5 – engagement.

Hopefully no need for explanations here.
FYI – some people (myself included) still are not exclusive at this point, though the other does have veto power over who I can date and what I can do with them.

Stage 6 – Marriage.

Just like stage 5 but with legal entanglements.



The most important thing is communication – my partner is always fully aware of what is going on (if she isn't part of it as well). You should be straightforward about what you feel and what you expect from the relationship. DO NOT LIE! (not even by omission). If you are dating someone else and just don’t mention it to someone because you might think it would upset her – you are cheating on her. Even if you haven’t discussed being exclusive. That you think she would be upset shows that you know she thinks or expects exclusivity and not discussing it with her is tacit agreement to being exclusive.

I am polyamorous, as are some of my friends. We are encouraged to date others because I am happy that my partner is having fun. Even if it isn't with me I want her to be happy and enjoy all that life has to offer. Though we can date others, you must be completely honest about your feelings – when you get jealous, feel neglected, or whatever, you must tell your partner so you can work on it. An open and honest conversation is the most important part of having a relationship.

Everyone is different – you have to tailor your expectations to match your partner.

From my own personal perspective, I’ve known women who expect you to not even look at another woman starting on the first date and women who are in long-term committed relationships with a couple of guys.

My own sense of propriety is quite simple.
There are 6 stages of relationships.

Stage 1 – nothing important.

The third date is key – the first 3 dates are nothing as it takes at least 3 dates to figure out if you are compatible or not. The end of the third date you know if you want to start ‘dating’ them, try being just friends, or go your separate ways no harm done.

Stage 2 – casually dating

Casually dating someone means that you are enjoying your dates and look forward to seeing them, but do not go out of your way to make it work. No rearranging your schedule to fit theirs, just when you both have free you try to get together. Little emotional connections so there should be no crying and sobbing because you don’t want to rearrange your work schedule so you can spend more time together (psycho warning #1). You should still be dating other people – you really don’t know this person that well yet and do not want to pass up someone that might be really great. Keep yourself open to new opportunities to learn and grow.

Stage 3 – semi-serious

This stage can come at any time - sometimes it happens right away, sometimes it will never happen, but the most important thing you can remember here is that every relationship is different and you do not, under any circumstances, try to force it to fit some mold of what you think a relationship should be like.

During this stage the emotional connection firms up and you are well past the point where you can cause emotional harm, so be courteous. You should have a little sense of obligation and must take their feelings into consideration on the exclusivity thing. If she is upset at the prospect of you dating more than just her, then you have to make a decision. Personally, if a woman demands exclusivity in less than a month (and it has to have been a fairly intensive month) I just walk away as it is generally a sign of a jealous or obsessive type of personality. Either way, you must come to an agreement on the exclusivity or part ways; sometimes it is possible to back off a bit, but generally one party is just faking that bit to avoid a breakup.

Stage 4 – very serious

By the time you get to this stage, you are expecting to be with this person for the foreseeable future. You might even move in together. Most people assume exclusivity by this point – if you are still dating other people and have not talked about it you will most likely be the victim of some choice screaming and throwing of things when it comes to light that you have not been exclusive. I have no sympathy for you here (and might even help in the tossing of your precious things at your head)

Stage 5 – engagement.

Hopefully no need for explanations here.
FYI – some people (myself included) still are not exclusive at this point, though the other does have veto power over who I can date and what I can do with them.

Stage 6 – Marriage.

Just like stage 5 but with legal entanglements.

Well,there is no point in arguing over cultural differences, but let me just say:

O_O

That is *exactly* the rather nightmarish and completely counter-intuitive version of American dating I was thinking of.

I'm especially disturbed by how there is "semi-serious" (still several partners) and then, BAM, "very serious" ("you might even move in together"). The hell?!

Well,there is no point in arguing over cultural differences, but let me just say:

O_O

That is *exactly* the rather nightmarish and completely counter-intuitive version of American dating I was thinking of.

I'm especially disturbed by how there is "semi-serious" (still several partners) and then, BAM, "very serious" ("you might even move in together"). The hell?!

Heh. For what it's worth, I'm an American myself and I'm personally entirely unfamiliar with EC's version of dating. Sure, some people are poly, but the general assumption at least in my social circles is that couples will be exclusive by default.

Tell her you think her best friend/sister/mother is kinda hot and see how she reacts.
If she gets all upset and shirty with you, then it's apparent she was viewing it as a monogamous relationship.

First, I ask myself (A) if I'm ready to be exclusive and (B) if it's important for my partner to be exclusive. Then I move on one of the following four scenarios.

(A) No (B) No - We have a date or have sex and call it a night.

(A) No (B) Yes - I have no business asking them to be exclusive and I won't bring it up. I can't ask for what I can't give.

(A) Yes (B) No - I usually tell her that I'm a one-woman kind of guy but that it's alright with me if she see other people. Most of the time they will also tell me they want to be exclusive.

(A) Yes (B) Yes - I tell her that I'm a one-woman kind of guy and it's my hope that I can also be the only man in her life. If not, then we break up. If it's a deal breaker then it's a deal breaker.

A lot of people spend their lives in relationships they should get out of. You have to ask yourself if something is important and, if it is, then be willing to walk away if they don't share your point of view. You want kids buy she doesn't? Walk away. You're an atheist but she wants you to convert to Christianity? Walk away.

Sure, you'll be afraid because you don't want to lose someone who's otherwise awesome but, if it's a biggie, then put it on the line.

First, I ask myself (A) if I'm ready to be exclusive and (B) if it's important for my partner to be exclusive. Then I move on one of the following four scenarios.

(A) No (B) No - We have a date or have sex and call it a night.

(A) No (B) Yes - I have no business asking them to be exclusive and I won't bring it up. I can't ask for what I can't give.

(A) Yes (B) No - I usually tell her that I'm a one-woman kind of guy but that it's alright with me if she see other people. Most of the time they will also tell me they want to be exclusive.

(A) Yes (B) Yes - I tell her that I'm a one-woman kind of guy and it's my hope that I can also be the only man in her life. If not, then we break up. If it's a deal breaker then it's a deal breaker.

A lot of people spend their lives in relationships they should get out of. You have to ask yourself if something is important and, if it is, then be willing to walk away if they don't share your point of view. You want kids buy she doesn't? Walk away. You're an atheist but she wants you to convert to Christianity? Walk away.

Sure, you'll be afraid because you don't want to lose someone who's otherwise awesome but, if it's a biggie, then put it on the line.
Uh... I'm not sure I'm talking about some sort of long-term commitment. I just like this guy and don't want to see anyone else right now and want to be selfish and keep him to myself. :P
Also, I'm a girl... and I'm agnostic, he's an atheist, he's mentioned wanting kids eventually, I want kids eventually and I don't think that seeing someone exclusively automatically means that there are long term plans in effect.

Tell her you think her best friend/sister/mother is kinda hot and see how she reacts.
If she gets all upset and shirty with you, then it's apparent she was viewing it as a monogamous relationship.
I am a girl. I am dating a boy.

From what I heard
-In europe its common to date more than one person
-In the US its OK to CASUALLY date more than one person maybe like take one girl out for dinner on saturday then if you weren't too impressed leave her and take a diffferent woman out the next saturday. But it is far more common to be exclusive.
-In Austalia, if you cheat on someone you will never get another date again

I love being in Australia.

I am a girl. I am dating a boy.

Well in that case:

Tell him you think his best friend/brother/father is kinda hot and see how he reacts.
If he gets all upset and shirty with you, then it's apparent he was viewing it as a monogamous relationship.

Well in that case:
Well, yes, but I don't know that that's still the best way to approach it, since this guy doesn't seem to be the jealous type. I wouldn't want to date him if he was.

I am a girl. I am dating a boy.
You can still tell him his sister/mother is very hot.
Nothing wrong with that.

You can still tell him his sister/mother is very hot.
Nothing wrong with that.
Ok, well, I haven't met his sisters or his mother.

Ok, well, I haven't met his sisters or his mother.
meh, make an assumption they're hot and go from there.

Well in that case:

I'd be getting shirty if the girl thought my father whether or not I thought of it as a monogamous relationship.

You know, even with the pseudo-smilies you still manage to sound bitchy.:p ;)
I'm a success story like that.

Well,there is no point in arguing over cultural differences, but let me just say:

O_O

That is *exactly* the rather nightmarish and completely counter-intuitive version of American dating I was thinking of.

I'm especially disturbed by how there is "semi-serious" (still several partners) and then, BAM, "very serious" ("you might even move in together"). The hell?!

Seconded. Though I must add that I am equally disturbed at the 'well, and then will logically follow engagement and marriage' part. Well, I never stopped being incredulously disturbed from the 'nothing serious whatsoever on the firstthree dates, but then a decision has to be made' part onwards.

My phases have traditionally been-

"Why is this chick always around? I ain't that interesting."
"Seriously, she sure is around a lot. I must owe her money."
"Damn is she around a lot. She's pretty, too bad she's not into me."
"Oh...she's kissing me. Now I get it..."

Then I have a girlfriend and no idea how I pulled that off. I'm exclusive to her, but that might be just that I don't know what it is I did, so I couldn't get another one.

But, like my friend is doing right now, he's dating or talking to a couple of chicks. They're just getting to know each other, it's assumed that the chicks are also talking to other dudes-it's just casting a net. When an attraction seems mutual and going somewhere he'll drop off to just the one. It has to be played individually, everyone has different expectations. I mean, I live in the same country as him and I use my half assed weird method.

Seriously, I'm not that attractive, either. I don't know how it happens. It doesn't happen often, but it does. I've been very lucky. I'm not looking that gift horse in the mouth.

<Thinks back.> Well, when we started dating, we were open about the idea that we weren't going to be exclusive, then we talked about it a few more times and decided that we would be, and then we were.
If I were in your situation, I'd probably phrase it as a question "Are you thinking of dating exclusively?" It brings it up without obfuscation, but doesn't necessarily reveal how you feel in case he feels differently and you don't wanna pressure him.

From what I heard
-In europe its common to date more than one person
-In the US its OK to CASUALLY date more than one person maybe like take one girl out for dinner on saturday then if you weren't too impressed leave her and take a diffferent woman out the next saturday. But it is far more common to be exclusive.
-In Austalia, if you cheat on someone you will never get another date again

In the UK it is much more common to be exclusive than in the US, and it would be pretty rare for someone to knowingly be in a non-exclusive relationship. In the UK I don't really know of people even having the "are we exclusive" talk - that is only something I know from the US. Here it is pretty much assumed very early on in the relationship that you're not sleeping with other people.

In the UK it is much more common to be exclusive than in the US, and it would be pretty rare for someone to knowingly be in a non-exclusive relationship. In the UK I don't really know of people even having the "are we exclusive" talk - that is only something I know from the US. Here it is pretty much assumed very early on in the relationship that you're not sleeping with other people.

I completely agree. I would also add that it is generally assumed that someone else's girl/boyfriend is off limits, too. I think things are a little morally slacker in the U.S. in relation to other people's partners, but I could be wrong.

Wow, all this talk about commitment, exclusivity, serious, not so serious, sex, etc. Has either one told the other that they loved them? Maybe I am just old fashioned?

Either one seeks a loving relationship or one seeks a casual sexual relationship. If both of you were seeking the former, then the chances for exclusivity are rather good. If both of you were seeking the latter then the chances for exclusivity are rather remote. It is most problematic when one is seeking the former whilst the other was seeking the latter.

I know that when I was in love with someone, I found it very difficult to be apart for too long.

Trust, respect, love, understanding, compassion, and passion are component parts of a loving relationship. At least that is what I would look for, if I were looking. :D

Wow, all this talk about commitment, exclusivity, serious, not so serious, sex, etc. Has either one told the other that they loved them? Maybe I am just old fashioned?
After a month and a half? I dunno about you, but if a guy I've been dating for a month and a half comes out and says he loves me, I get really nervous...

After a month and a half? I dunno about you, but if a guy I've been dating for a month and a half comes out and says he loves me, I get really nervous...
So when you enter a relationship, you are not looking for love? :confused:

So when you enter a relationship, you are not looking for love? :confused:
When I start to date someone, I am looking to get to know them. I don't know that I like them and get along with them well enough to fall in love with them. A month and a half in, you're still getting to know the person. At this point if you have fallen in love with them, chances are you haven't fallen in love with who they actually are but the impression you get of them at this point. Often this results in someone getting upset later on when they find out that the "person" they fell in love with doesn't actually exist.

If I were in your situation, I'd probably phrase it as a question "Are you thinking of dating exclusively?" It brings it up without obfuscation, but doesn't necessarily reveal how you feel in case he feels differently and you don't wanna pressure him.
I'd second that. Sounds like a good plan.

My phases have traditionally been-

"Why is this chick always around? I ain't that interesting."
"Seriously, she sure is around a lot. I must owe her money."
"Damn is she around a lot. She's pretty, too bad she's not into me."
"Oh...she's kissing me. Now I get it..."
:p


In the UK it is much more common to be exclusive than in the US, and it would be pretty rare for someone to knowingly be in a non-exclusive relationship. In the UK I don't really know of people even having the "are we exclusive" talk - that is only something I know from the US. Here it is pretty much assumed very early on in the relationship that you're not sleeping with other people.
Yep, same here.

how does one generally approach the discussion of exclusivity?

I mean, I know there are some people who simply assume an exclusive relationship past a certain point, but I personally don't like to make assumptions and always seem to either wait until the other person brings something up or bring it up in a really awkward way.

Back in the old days:

If you were in HS you gave your class ring. Then more serious (or if you were older) a pearl ring. Then a diamond. Then a band.

Today:

You say "You Wanna ____?"

Well,there is no point in arguing over cultural differences, but let me just say:

O_O

That is *exactly* the rather nightmarish and completely counter-intuitive version of American dating I was thinking of.

I'm especially disturbed by how there is "semi-serious" (still several partners) and then, BAM, "very serious" ("you might even move in together"). The hell?!

the way it goes around here.....

1 casual dating - you go out on dates with them, and probably other people

2 dating- you only go out on dates with them, they only go out on dates with you

3 serious- same as dating only there is talk of the future

4 engaged- you actually plan on getting married

5 married

although, lately it seems to go straight to step 3 around here.

When I start to date someone, I am looking to get to know them. I don't know that I like them and get along with them well enough to fall in love with them. A month and a half in, you're still getting to know the person. At this point if you have fallen in love with them, chances are you haven't fallen in love with who they actually are but the impression you get of them at this point. Often this results in someone getting upset later on when they find out that the "person" they fell in love with doesn't actually exist.

Wish more of you female types thought like that.

the way it goes around here.....

1 casual dating - you go out on dates with them, and probably other people

2 dating- you only go out on dates with them, they only go out on dates with you

3 serious- same as dating only there is talk of the future

4 engaged- you actually plan on getting married

5 married

although, lately it seems to go straight to step 3 around here.
^Yes, that would be it!

I'm not sure whether we're in stage 1 or 2, because well, I haven't been seeing anybody else and I don't think he has, but we haven't had any formal discussions on the subject.

how does one generally approach the discussion of exclusivity?

I mean, I know there are some people who simply assume an exclusive relationship past a certain point, but I personally don't like to make assumptions and always seem to either wait until the other person brings something up or bring it up in a really awkward way.

I would have to know the person very well before I would start dating her. And I always have discussions about morality and I would make it clear that I expect dating to be exclusive, and the other person would have to agree.

Otherwise, I would never ask them to a date in the first place. So, that when we decide that we are dating, there will be no issue of exclusivity.

Well,there is no point in arguing over cultural differences, but let me just say:

O_O

That is *exactly* the rather nightmarish and completely counter-intuitive version of American dating I was thinking of.

I'm especially disturbed by how there is "semi-serious" (still several partners) and then, BAM, "very serious" ("you might even move in together"). The hell?!

Stage 3 tends to last a long time so it isn't exactly a sudden change.
It also says quite clearly that you are exclusive (if one of you wants exclusivity) or you part ways when you get to stage 3. So the entire stage separates when you are expected to be dating other people and being very serious (with the exception of those rare people in open relationships)

Please do not think all Americans are in open relationships, it is a little unusual. I simply state that about non-exclusivity in later stages because you cannot make such a statement without allowing for the wonderfully diverse forms relationships take. Personally I find people’s insistence of forcing a relationship into one of 3 molds (just friends, f-buddy, girlfriend) to be very unnatural, but that’s just me. Even the separation into stages is a little odd, as I in no way follow such a pattern, but it is what 99% of people I know do.

Additionally, there is little difference to me between being exclusive with talking about the future and being in a serious relationship. It seems to me that closing yourself off from dating anyone else and planning on being with someone for a long time is pretty darn serious.

The moving in together happens in the 4th stage, but not necessarily at the beginning of it, nor does it represent the change from stage 3 to 4.

So in no way did I intend to give the impression that there was a sudden change between seeing lots of people and moving in together (though of course such things have been known to happen) and apologize for any misconception I may have engendered.

--------

There is one thing I don’t quite get though…
How can someone say that exclusivity is not serious commitment? If you are not dating anyone else you are saying that this person is the only one for you, and that you are not interested in anyone else. At this point you either look at it like it is only a temporary exclusion (in which case what the #@&% are you doing in this relationship if you don’t see it going anywhere and are already looking forward to it ending?) or you are practically married already.

I find it far more distasteful to jump from one relationship to another in the name of exclusivity (serial monogamy) than to simply date whomever you want, whenever you want. If you choose to spend all your time with one woman then great, fabulous, <inset superlative of your choice>, but do it because you want to, not because society says you should (a dangerous thing to base an aspect of your relationship upon).

That I would hang my bugle in an invisible baldrick for the sake of a little temporary solace with a woman full of jealousy and possessiveness, all women shall pardon me, for I will live a bachelor. (sorry Bill, tis a quote too good to be mangled in such a manner).

Personally I find people’s insistence of forcing a relationship into one of 3 molds (just friends, f-buddy, girlfriend) to be very unnatural, but that’s just me. Even the separation into stages is a little odd, as I in no way follow such a pattern, but it is what 99% of people I know do.
I don't know why it would be just friends, fuck buddy, or bf/gf... I like the dating bit in between and whatever other fun relationships one can have with somone...

Additionally, there is little difference to me between being exclusive with talking about the future and being in a serious relationship. It seems to me that closing yourself off from dating anyone else and planning on being with someone for a long time is pretty darn serious.
I think there is a big difference. I've often wanted to see someone exclusively without any real plans for the future, or being ready for any plans in the future.

There is one thing I don’t quite get though…
How can someone say that exclusivity is not serious commitment? If you are not dating anyone else you are saying that this person is the only one for you, and that you are not interested in anyone else. At this point you either look at it like it is only a temporary exclusion (in which case what the #@&% are you doing in this relationship if you don’t see it going anywhere and are already looking forward to it ending?) or you are practically married already.
It is a serious commitment, but it's not necessarily a long term one. I'm at a stage in my life where I don't know where I'm going to be next year, I don't expect a guy to want a long distance relationship, nor do I expect him to follow me around. However, just because I don't expect a long term thing doesn't mean I don't want a boyfriend. It's the sort of thing where if it works past this year, awesome, if not then might as well enjoy the relationship.

I find it far more distasteful to jump from one relationship to another in the name of exclusivity (serial monogamy) than to simply date whomever you want, whenever you want. If you choose to spend all your time with one woman then great, fabulous, <inset superlative of your choice>, but do it because you want to, not because society says you should (a dangerous thing to base an aspect of your relationship upon).
I don't do things because society expects me to. Hell, most of society doesn't know about this, a few of my friends and my immediate family have heard a bit, some of them have met him (not my family, I don't like to scare people away), but really none of them care whether I'm seeing him exclusively or not.

I don't know why it would be just friends, fuck buddy, or bf/gf... I like the dating bit in between and whatever other fun relationships one can have with somone...

Glad to hear it :) alas, many otherwise normal people have decried this as an immoral thing to do – they say you are either completely platonic, have meaningless sex (FwB or one night stands), or are in a committed exclusive relationship. I would just write that off as an oddball view but it seems to be fairly common.

I think there is a big difference. I've often wanted to see someone exclusively without any real plans for the future, or being ready for any plans in the future.

Why? What is so special about enforced monogamy? And why, if you do not expect to be together with this guy long-term would you turn down someone with whom you might have an amazing relationship? Why do you want to miss out on an opportunity for a little temporary exclusivity?

I know you don’t do it to be mean and spiteful (if he isn’t having fun with me he shouldn’t have any fun at all – at least you don’t do it consciously), so why are you so possessive of him? Is it that you are afraid he will never have time for you (which has nothing to do with exclusivity whatsoever)? Is it because you would feel left out if he enjoys himself when you are not together?

Which reminds me, any woman who asks “why does he need friends when he has me?” should be prohibited from having relationships and probably seek counseling.

It is a serious commitment, but it's not necessarily a long term one. I'm at a stage in my life where I don't know where I'm going to be next year, I don't expect a guy to want a long distance relationship, nor do I expect him to follow me around. However, just because I don't expect a long term thing doesn't mean I don't want a boyfriend. It's the sort of thing where if it works past this year, awesome, if not then might as well enjoy the relationship.

I always thought of commitment as being something long-term. Committed just for today doesn’t seem like commitment at all. That will probably come across as far more snarky than intended, so I apologize if I am expressing myself poorly.

Additionally, commitment and exclusivity are not one and the same. It is completely possible to be firmly committed to someone yet not be exclusive. While I might want to share the rest of my life with my girlfriend (hypothetically), if I meet someone else, I want to be able to enjoy life with them as well.

I think this hinges on your definition of ‘boyfriend’. Is it your position that to be a ‘boyfriend’ he must be exclusive? If so, why? What difference is there? If he isn't giving you enough time or is never available, that is a completely different issue. If you are spending as much time with him as you want, he is conscientious and attentive, and is there when you need him, what does it matter that he is dating someone else when he isn't with you?

I don't do things because society expects me to. Hell, most of society doesn't know about this, a few of my friends and my immediate family have heard a bit, some of them have met him (not my family, I don't like to scare people away), but really none of them care whether I'm seeing him exclusively or not.

You were still raised in a society which instilled your sense of morals and propriety. Thus, it is society which has told you that it is bad manners not to be exclusive, or that your relationship is meaningless if not exclusive.


I’m sorry if I come across as being particularly dense or obstinate, but I simply do not understand the need for enforced monogamy. The only conclusions I can draw are that it is either out of possessiveness (my toy, you can’t touch), jealousy (how can he be having fun if he isn't with me), or obsession (cant stop thinking about him… what are they doing… what are they up to… is he seeing her right now…did he just come from her place).

Can't remember where this is from, but I think it illustrates the point:
Sometimes a butterfly will come to sit in your open palm, but if you close your hand, one way or the other, it - and its choice to be there - are gone.

I would have to know the person very well before I would start dating her. And I always have discussions about morality and I would make it clear that I expect dating to be exclusive, and the other person would have to agree.

Otherwise, I would never ask them to a date in the first place. So, that when we decide that we are dating, there will be no issue of exclusivity.


Same here. If I want to get to know somebody, I'll get to know them. If I want to date them, I'd better already know them (could be because I'm pretty socially akward, so I really wouldn't know what to do on a first date with somebody I've almost never met before).

Besides, I'm a nutcase. I wouldn't subject somebody to dating me unless they'd been around me long enough to know what they were getting themselves into (alternate sentence: It's more of a challenge if they know what's coming; Informed prey provide the most invigorating chase :p ).

Frankly, I'm surprised I've had as much success with women as I have. It leads me to believe that they are, in fact, all inflicted with the same kind of mental condition as myself. Thus: Women are all crazy.:)

Frankly, I'm surprised I've had as much success with women as I have. It leads me to believe that they are, in fact, all inflicted with the same kind of mental condition as myself. Thus: Women are all crazy.:)
If they're all crazy, what does that make the poor deluded idiots like ourselves who chase after them so vigorously?

"Seriously, she sure is around a lot. I must owe her money."
My advice is to always lend the other some money when you first start going out.
That way, when the inevitable break-up happens, they'll at least pay you back said monies - brightening up an otherwise miserable day.

Why? What is so special about enforced monogamy? Personally speaking, I view it as a respect issue. Some people have different ways that they want their partners to show that they respect them. Some people want the toilet seat down. Others may want their partners to share television viewing time, but watching together. And yet other might not want their boyfriends to put their dipsticks in other people's slots. (And of course, any combination of the 3 thereof.)

My advice is to always lend the other some money when you first start going out.
That way, when the inevitable break-up happens, they'll at least pay you back said monies - brightening up an otherwise miserable day.Are you sure they'd pay you back after the break-up? Seems like the perfect opportunity not to.
I mean, at the first sentence I thought, hey, good idea; if (s)he pays it back a while later you have some idea whether you can trust him/her. But the rest doesn't make much sense to me..

True, you do have to rely on them wanting closure - which would include returning everything which is yours. Most ppl would want to do this, if nothing else to stop the dumpee having an excuse to call.

Failing that, you guilt trip them into doing so. "If you're dumping me, at least you could do is return the money I lent you"
That sort of thing.

Why? What is so special about enforced monogamy? And why, if you do not expect to be together with this guy long-term would you turn down someone with whom you might have an amazing relationship? Why do you want to miss out on an opportunity for a little temporary exclusivity?
I like monogamy. I don't really have the time or patience to date multiple people at once and even if I did, I would rather not complicate my life like that, so I find a guy I like and stick with him. I don't know that things would work out long term, I'm not going to plan my life around them working long term. It might be nice, but I really don't know what the future holds. I've been in lots of relationships that have looked like they could be long term at this point and weren't, so I'd rather not get my hopes up on that point.

I know you don’t do it to be mean and spiteful (if he isn’t having fun with me he shouldn’t have any fun at all – at least you don’t do it consciously), so why are you so possessive of him? Is it that you are afraid he will never have time for you (which has nothing to do with exclusivity whatsoever)? Is it because you would feel left out if he enjoys himself when you are not together?
I'm not posessive of him and I don't care if he has fun when I'm not around. I would prefer it if he didn't want to have that kind of fun when I'm not around though.

Which reminds me, any woman who asks “why does he need friends when he has me?” should be prohibited from having relationships and probably seek counseling.
:rolleyes: Yes, that's exactly what I'm doing.

And you know, that's not something that just women do. Men do it too.

I always thought of commitment as being something long-term. Committed just for today doesn’t seem like commitment at all. That will probably come across as far more snarky than intended, so I apologize if I am expressing myself poorly.
Commitment can be long-term or short term as far as I'm concerned, this week I have commited myself to doing certain things, once this week is over, I am no longer commited to doing those things because I will have done them. In the relationship situation, I would be commiting myself to seeing this guy to the exclusion of others for the duration of the relationship or until a mutually agreed upon change in status.

Additionally, commitment and exclusivity are not one and the same. It is completely possible to be firmly committed to someone yet not be exclusive. While I might want to share the rest of my life with my girlfriend (hypothetically), if I meet someone else, I want to be able to enjoy life with them as well.
Yeah, it is possible, but that sort of thing isn't for me.

I think this hinges on your definition of ‘boyfriend’. Is it your position that to be a ‘boyfriend’ he must be exclusive? If so, why? What difference is there?
As far as I'm concerned, a boyfriend is someone you've deceided to see exclusively, it's like part of the definition. Otherwise he'd be "that guy I'm seeing"

You were still raised in a society which instilled your sense of morals and propriety. Thus, it is society which has told you that it is bad manners not to be exclusive, or that your relationship is meaningless if not exclusive.
Look, not everyone likes polygamous relationships, some of us are one siginificant other type people. It isn't all society's fault for this either.

I’m sorry if I come across as being particularly dense or obstinate, but I simply do not understand the need for enforced monogamy. The only conclusions I can draw are that it is either out of possessiveness (my toy, you can’t touch), jealousy (how can he be having fun if he isn't with me), or obsession (cant stop thinking about him… what are they doing… what are they up to… is he seeing her right now…did he just come from her place).
You're right, I'm a terrible, terrible person because I like a boy and don't want to date others. That's it. Thanks.

Can't remember where this is from, but I think it illustrates the point:
Sometimes a butterfly will come to sit in your open palm, but if you close your hand, one way or the other, it - and its choice to be there - are gone.
And yeah, I'm locking him up and forcing him to stick around, because clearly that's both what I want to do and something I'm capable of.

Look, I don't know where you're getting this enforced exclusivity crap. I don't think he is dating anyone else, I don't think he has time to do so in the first place. I mostly want to know where things stand between us. I don't want to own him, I don't want to tie a ball and chain around his ankle, I don't want to keep him from having fun with anyone but me, I just want what we have now but more solidified. I also don't know how I would enforce this monogamy either, I mean, I'm certainly not going to follow him around to make sure that he's going where he says he's going with who he says he'll be with.

I don't really have the time or patience to date multiple people at once and even if I did, I would rather not complicate my life like that, so I find a guy I like and stick with him.
Great, but why does this require ‘exclusivity’? If you do not want to date someone else, then don’t. Why do you need to have a standing contract with your boyfriend that neither of you will be allowed to date someone else?

I'm not posessive of him and I don't care if he has fun when I'm not around. I would prefer it if he didn't want to have that kind of fun when I'm not around though.
What I am trying to get at is why do you not want him to enjoy the pleasures of the flesh when you are not around?

:rolleyes: Yes, that's exactly what I'm doing.
And you know, that's not something that just women do. Men do it too.
I did not intend to imply that you were, it is just that the thought struck me at that moment and I thought I would mention it. I’ve heard many girls complain about such things, and while I certainly recognize that men are just as capable of this behavior and I should have made a sexless comment, I have only head second hand accounts of such. I apologize for such a lapse.

You're right, I'm a terrible, terrible person because I like a boy and don't want to date others. That's it. Thanks.
You are completely misreading my intentions; this was in no way an accusation of your intentions or a rebuke of your behavior. I merely stated that those were the 3 things I can come up with (possessive, jealous, obsessive), so obviously there is something I am not thinking of, or some viewpoint I just don’t get. I honestly and truly want to know what motivations there are to keep your partner from enjoying this part of life.

During one particular business trip the woman I was dating went to a party with some of her friends. There she met a guy (very cute and charming, etc.) who wanted to take her out. She declined because it would have been cheating. I felt bad about this because she could have gone off and had a wonderful time. Instead of having an amazing experience, she sat at home alone. I would have been happy to hear that she had a good time. Why would I want her to not have a good time? Why should I require her to miss out of good memories just because I won’t be in them? It just seems childish to have such a requirement.

Look, I don't know where you're getting this enforced exclusivity crap. I don't think he is dating anyone else, I don't think he has time to do so in the first place. I mostly want to know where things stand between us. I don't want to own him, I don't want to tie a ball and chain around his ankle, I don't want to keep him from having fun with anyone but me, I just want what we have now but more solidified. I also don't know how I would enforce this monogamy either, I mean, I'm certainly not going to follow him around to make sure that he's going where he says he's going with who he says he'll be with.

I am assuming an honorable person – thus if in an exclusive relationship he can be trusted to uphold this agreement and not cheat. So no, I am not assuming you are having him followed; just that he is a reasonable human being.

I figure “I don't want to keep him from having fun with anyone but me” is exactly what you are saying when you say he must be exclusive. Having no time to date is not equivalent to not having the freedom to date.

Why must a relationship be exclusive for it to be meaningful?
Why is it deemed unacceptable for someone in a relationship to have a wild night out with someone else? If I stay the night with a friend of mine, why is it unacceptable for me to sleep with her? It isn’t substantially different than snuggling, just naked snuggling with an orgasm or three. Why must I spend the night on the couch or end my relationship? My girlfriend isn’t loosing out on anything; all that is happening is that my friend and I miss out on enjoying each other.

A little while ago my girlfriend was really horny and frustrated, and I couldn’t go see her, so I encouraged her to call up an ex of hers. Why should I want her to be horny and unsatisfied (masturbation doesn’t do the trick)? I would have preferred to have slept with her myself of course, but I why should I have wanted her to stay horny, frustrated, and lonely? Should I, out of some sense that it was disrespectful of her not to suffer in the name of our relationship, have dumped her because of it?

Perhaps this is partially a result of the Christian mythos that one should suffer to express one’s faith and therefore suffering is good (which I find messed up, but that is for another thread).

What I am trying to get at is why do you not want him to enjoy the pleasures of the flesh when you are not around?Probably the same reason she loves him. Completely irrational impulses known as feelings. :rolleyes: