NationStates Jolt Archive

I need some serious help. I have to preach in 12 hrs....What do I preach on? This is my first Sunday morning sermon...I have nothing!!! :(

Now, I'm not religious in any sense, but isn't it obvious?

Preach about Nationstates!

Now, I'm not religious in any sense, but isn't it obvious?

Preach about Nationstates!

right!!! Im sure the Holy Spirit will be moving then!

ANd then Max Barry spoke unto the Mods, and sayeth "Ban all n00bs!"

Ah, good. You understood what I meant then! My work here is done.


Now, I suppose you wanted a more serious answer, eh? Well...

I got nothin'.

Umm, show up naked except for a jock strap and leather jacket, rant on about how society is sick, insult everyone in attendence, smash glass bottles over your head and cut your chest with them and half way through defecate, roll around in it and throw it at people.

You'll be the talk of the town. :D

Umm, show up naked except for a jock strap and leather jacket, rant on about how society is sick, insult everyone in attendence, smash glass bottles over your head and cut your chest with them and half way through defecate, roll around in it and throw it at people.

You'll be the talk of the town. :D

and end up in a nut house

Umm, show up naked except for a jock strap and leather jacket, rant on about how society is sick, insult everyone in attendence, smash glass bottles over your head and cut your chest with them and half way through defecate, roll around in it and throw it at people.

You'll be the talk of the town. :D

This is it!!! Im doing this :D

This is it!!! Im doing this :D

talk about...God.

talk about...God.

How original! :p

Preach about the evils of the Devil's Internets.

How original! :p

its so crazy...it just might work.

I need some serious help. I have to preach in 12 hrs....What do I preach on? This is my first Sunday morning sermon...I have nothing!!! :(

How about saying that the church should make getting married harder to do, or getting divorced impossible to protect the sanctity of marriage, rather than barring people from getting married?

I need some serious help. I have to preach in 12 hrs....What do I preach on? This is my first Sunday morning sermon...I have nothing!!! :(

Tolerance, love thy neighbor, keeping an open mind, etc. Sadly not enough pastors talk about that kind of thing.

Talk about loosing sight in the time of the season and the fact people stress out, etc.....

Does your church have readings before the sermon?

Unless you're preaching to a bunch of intolerant pricks, your best bet is to talk about acceptance and change.

Speak about the evils of Stellan Skarsgaard.

and end up in a nut house

I would be more afraid of being accused of ripping off GG Allin.

I would be more afraid of being accused of ripping off GG Allin.

some one on US TV

some one on US TV

Or possibly a Japanese gameshow?

Unless you're preaching to a bunch of intolerant pricks, your best bet is to talk about acceptance and change.

Yeah, and if they are intolerant, ranting about teh gay will win points.

Yammer on about your favorite passage.

Think back to a sermen where when the pastor was doing his yammering and you though "Surely Christ/God/Other Biblical Character/the Auther didn't mean that!" Yammer on about what he actually ment. Just don't pick something too recent.

Or possibly a Japanese gameshow?

yer they do have some weird game shows

Aha! I have one now. I'll type it up and soon I'll post on here to get a review! :D

I need some serious help. I have to preach in 12 hrs....What do I preach on? This is my first Sunday morning sermon...I have nothing!!! :(

Mahatma Gandhi's teachings on non-violence.
the way it doesn't matter if you read from the Muslim Koran, the Hindu Shāstra, or the Christian Bible, as long as god is being praised?
multiculturalism and forgiveness in the face of racial tensions, predujice and hatred in modern day america?


edit: bummy! too late! :(

Throw them for a serious loop and preach with all the hellfire and brimstone you can muster about the joy of worshipping Satan.

Would make me laugh.

I need some serious help. I have to preach in 12 hrs....What do I preach on? This is my first Sunday morning sermon...I have nothing!!! :(

The Joy of Sex. :)

What ever you do, be sure to have a slammin' techno soundtrack running in the background. Try and get a dance party going.

Talk about how you calm down if things piss you off.

Hand out blank pieces of paper and tell people to form their own opinion.

Adam and Eve (it's like a sermon for dummies)

The Armour of God.........pretty easy as well

Talk about Gideon and his faith and stuff

Talk about Noah and how it took him 100 years to build the Ark and how he did it alone and his faithfulness........

whatever you do steer clear of Jude........read that this morning again, pretty depressing.

Preach about the joys of masturbation.

Walk up to the pulpit and announce, "Just before 'coming' here today, I knocked one out in the vestry. And boy, did it feel good! Now I know the Bible says some shit about not spilling your seed on barren ground, which is why I always empty my sacks into a small bag of fertilizer. That stuff ain't barren!"

Describe in great and minute detail, preferably accompanied by pictures, the great big shit you just took before coming out to preach.

does this mean that protestant churches dont have a set gospel reading each week that the minister uses as inspiration?

seems to me that when its your first sermon you should talk about your own experience of faith and what has led you to the pulpit. if thats too personal, you talk about faith, jesus and the youth of america.

Speak about the evils of Stellan Skarsgaard.
What's evil about Stellan? :confused:

What denomination are you? (Christian denomination)

Umm, show up naked except for a jock strap and leather jacket, rant on about how society is sick, insult everyone in attendence, smash glass bottles over your head and cut your chest with them and half way through defecate, roll around in it and throw it at people.

You'll be the talk of the town. :D

GG Allin, huh?

What's evil about Stellan? :confused:

Dunno, i do however know what's evil about Stalin and Stollen.

Preach about the joys of masturbation.

Walk up to the pulpit and announce, "Just before 'coming' here today, I knocked one out in the vestry. And boy, did it feel good! Now I know the Bible says some shit about not spilling your seed on barren ground, which is why I always empty my sacks into a small bag of fertilizer. That stuff ain't barren!"

Preaching isn't enough. Like Jesus, he should lead by example. :)

Talk about Gideon and his faith and stuff

I don't know that Gideon would be a good subject. Seems he was quite the horses ass.

GIDEON EXPOSED.

The Gideon Society placed this Bible for your edification. Just who was
Gideon? One would assume that he was a person of exemplary character and
great worth to have a worldwide society named after him. Here are some of
Gideon's accomplishments:

* Gideon slaughtered thousands in battle by plotting with the 'Lord' to use
treachery.
* Gideon murdered thousands more for worshiping 'false Gods'.
* Gideon tortured and killed still more for daring to taunt him.
* Gideon plundered the bodies of his victims (to fashion a jeweled priestly
vestment).
* Gideon fathered an offspring who killed 69 of his stepbrothers.

So... What did you talk about, Zilam?

So... What did you talk about, Zilam?
Dead babies I suspect.

Did anyone else think of Sgt. Pepper when they saw this thread?

Did anyone else think of Sgt. Pepper when they saw this thread?
Yes, when I first read it, the song started "playing" instantly in my head... (Until the page had loaded - then I shook it off ;))

Show those silly scientists you mean business, and "teach the controversy". Give your flock a basic course on evolution, give same examples of non-Christian stories about creation and refer them to a few good books if they wish to read more.

Then tell them God wants true believers. Not ignorant followers, but people that truly have chosen to believe.

Talk about how God actually does want everyone to wear gothic clothes, read Harry Potter, teach their children the truth about condoms and other ocntraceptives, not give a damn about gay sex, and goof off on NationStates General.

Or, you know, you could preach about Harry Potter....

I don't know that Gideon would be a good subject. Seems he was quite the horses ass.

GIDEON EXPOSED.

The Gideon Society placed this Bible for your edification. Just who was
Gideon? One would assume that he was a person of exemplary character and
great worth to have a worldwide society named after him. Here are some of
Gideon's accomplishments:

* Gideon slaughtered thousands in battle by plotting with the 'Lord' to use
treachery.
* Gideon murdered thousands more for worshiping 'false Gods'.
* Gideon tortured and killed still more for daring to taunt him.
* Gideon plundered the bodies of his victims (to fashion a jeweled priestly
vestment).
* Gideon fathered an offspring who killed 69 of his stepbrothers.
yeah, he comes off as a jerk to me in the text too, asking God to prove himself no less than 3 times ......... or was it 4? hmmm? gotta read it again.

however, he is one of "the faithful" held up for sermons because he did go in outnumbered just cause God said to.

Well, It went wonderful today. The church is really small, and full of oldies( I originally thought it was full of black people for some reason), but there was an alter service, and I even got paid 50 bucks!

so what was my sermon on? I'll attach the file i typed up. Warning: Its a random thought process type of draft! :D

Oh... I thought you were drowning or being chased by Nazis riding T-rexes or something...

Oh... I thought you were drowning or being chased by Nazis riding T-rexes or something...

I wish! That'd be so cool! :D

Well, It went wonderful today. The church is really small, and full of oldies( I originally thought it was full of black people for some reason), but there was an alter service, and I even got paid 50 bucks!

so what was my sermon on? I'll attach the file i typed up. Warning: Its a random thought process type of draft! :D

nice. i imagine that it went not exactly as written.

the congregation responded well then?

nice. i imagine that it went not exactly as written.

the congregation responded well then?

Yeah, i totally didn't look at my notes half the time. I added things in as I went and such. And everyone said for a first timer it was really good. So I guess they liked it.