NationStates Jolt Archive

Share your favorites, or any funny ones you heard lately, here. But please keep them clean, or at least clean enough that they're not breaching site etiquette.



Why Rednecks cannot be paramedics

A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing. His eyes are rolled back in his head. The other redneck whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba done dead! What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he is dead."

There is a silence........followed by a gun shot.

The redneck's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?"

I remember this from a book I've read, American Gods, where two spooks interrogate the hero of the story an ex-con named Shadow. They start treating him nice and try to lighten up the torture session they have planned, and one of them, Mr. Wood tells a joke about the CIA:

Wood: How can we be sure the CIA wasn't involved in the Kennedy assassination?
Shadow: I don't know, how can we be sure?
Wood: He's dead, isn't he?

http://elitemrp.net/cgi-bin/wiyg/wiyg.pl?l1=Where%27s%20your%20God%20now%3F%21&back=king1&ft=.jpg

This looks interesting... I'll post something later on... keep up the good work guys :p

too bad all of the jokes I know would probably get me banned.

So here's a Chuck Norris fact:

Helen Keller used to be able to see, speak, and hear perfectly fine. Then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her in the face.


















lol. amirite?

too bad all of the jokes I know would probably get me banned.

So here's a Chuck Norris fact:

Helen Keller used to be able to see, speak, and hear perfectly fine. Then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her in the face.


lol. amirite?

Probably... :p

Why do women wear make up and perfume?













Because they're ugly and they smell.
;)

Question: "What's the difference between a PhD in Maths, and a family pizza?"

Answer: "The pizza can feed a family of four..."

Question: "What's the difference between a PhD in Maths, and a family pizza?"

Answer: "The pizza can feed a family of four..."

LOL, I heard it with "musician," but this works too. :D

My favorite clean joke: Two men walk into a bar and the third one ducks.

A white horse goes into a pub and orders a drink. The publican says, “Hey! We have a drink named after you!”

The horse says, “What, Eric?”

Q. What is red and sits in the corner?

















A. A naughty bus.

A judge in a small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4:00 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom.
The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury room to see what was holding up the verdict.
When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?"
The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? They're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"

Ken Doherty was on the Podge and Rodge show last night. Being a famous snooker player he of course had to do a trick shot. The non-puppet hostess, Lucy Kennedy, lay across the table, hald the chalk in her mouth and Doherty rested the black on the chalk. "The last time I tried this shot, the girl swalloed the black," said Doherty, "but I played a great shot to get the black back out".

A white horse goes into a pub and orders a drink. The publican says, “Hey! We have a drink named after you!”

The horse says, “What, Eric?”

LOL. I love it.

lolz, joke thread. Oh wait, I only have one.

A monkey says to a rabbit "do you find that when you shit, it sticks to your fur?", and the rabbit says "yes, unfortunately". So the monkey picks up the rabbit and wipes his arse with him.

lolz, joke thread. Oh wait, I only have one.

A monkey says to a rabbit "do you find that when you shit, it sticks to your fur?", and the rabbit says "yes, unfortunately". So the monkey picks up the rabbit and wipes his arse with him.

*searches for a rabbit*
>.>
<.<

What's brown and sticky?
A stick.

How do you tell a male chromosome from a female chromosome?

Pull down its genes.

What was Einstein's favourite snack?

Fission chips.

Hyuk hyuk!

How do you tell a male chromosome from a female chromosome?

Pull down its genes.

"Excuse me ma'am, I'm the chromosome inspector. I'm going to have to removes your jeans"

"Don't you mean genes?"

"No ma'am I do not"

too bad all of the jokes I know would probably get me banned.

So here are more Chuck Norris facts:
Chuck Norris fell on his face, cried like a little girl and called his mother!
Chuck Norris tried to rob my grandmother and she beat him up with her walking cane.
Chuck Norris tried to use a computer but when he heard the term 'mouse' fled in horror and keeps 5 meters distance to them from that time on.
Chuck Norris tried to swim 100 meters and nearly droewned on the first 10.
Chuck Norris's roundhouse kicks are all done by videoanimation, every time he tried, he fell on his ass and had to wash his trousers.
Chuck Norris tried to kick me and hurt his toe so much that he called an ambulance!

THERE IS NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT CHUCK NORRIS!

A white horse goes into a pub and orders a drink. The publican says, “Hey! We have a drink named after you!”

The horse says, “What, Eric?”
A couple of jokes in a similar vein:
A horse walks into a bar and orders a drink. The barman asks, "What's with the long face?"

The circus comes to town. Whilst there, the ringmaster hears of an amazing animal: A dog that can talk.
Intrigued, he goes along to the owner's home to see the truth of the matter.
Sure enough, there is a talking dog there!
"Amazing!", says the ringmaster, "We must have you! My circus needs an animal such as yourself!"
"Why?", replies the dog, "What does a circus need a qualified electrician for?"

So here are more Chuck Norris facts:
Chuck Norris fell on his face, cried like a little girl and called his mother!
Chuck Norris tried to rob my grandmother and she beat him up with her walking cane.
Chuck Norris tried to use a computer but when he heard the term 'mouse' fled in horror and keeps 5 meters distance to them from that time on.
Chuck Norris tried to swim 100 meters and nearly droewned on the first 10.
Chuck Norris's roundhouse kicks are all done by videoanimation, every time he tried, he fell on his ass and had to wash his trousers.
Chuck Norris tried to kick me and hurt his toe so much that he called an ambulance!

THERE IS NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT CHUCK NORRIS!
Judging from your 'jokes', nor are you.

A dirty joke:

A pig fell in the mud.

A clean joke:

The pig took a bath.

So here are more facts about this post:
This post fell on it's face, cried like a little girl and called it's mother!
This post tried to rob my grandmother and she beat it up with her walking cane.
This post tried to use a computer but when it heard the term 'mouse' fled in horror and keeps 5 meters distance to them from that time on.
This post tried to swim 100 meters and nearly droewned on the first 10.
This posts's roundhouse kicks are all done by videoanimation, every time it tried, it fell on his ass and had to wash his trousers.
This post tried to kick me and hurt his toe so much that he called an ambulance!

THERE IS NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT THIS POST!

Fixed :)

Judging from your 'jokes', nor are you.

I know, I was not intending to be funny, I was searching for a forum-rules-conform way to express my feelings about this [CENSORED] meme!

A Bear walks into a McDs and says, "I'd like a Big Mac, uh, .....fries, and, uh, ......
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
a small diet coke."
The McSlave asks, "What's with the big pause?"
"I'm a bear, I've always had 'em!"

Nice :) Hurray for English and its ability to have 2 totally different words pronounciated exactly the same :)

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the ward, taking corners on one wheel, and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually
joined in.
One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper, and held it up to him.
"OK," he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up to him.
Harold nodded, and said, "Carry on, ma'am."
As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a very sizable erection.
"Oh, good grief, "cried Ethel, "not the breathalyzer test again!"

Nice :) Hurray for English and its ability to have 2 totally different words pronounciated exactly the same :)

Now, quickly, is that a pun, or a palindrome?

A representative from KFC goes to meet with the Pope on business. He extends an offer to him. "Your Holiness, KFC will pay $50 million to the Church if you will change the line in the Lord's Prayer that reads 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'" The Pope thinks about it and turns his offer down. Persistent, the KFC representative offers him $100 million. So after thinking about it, he decides, 'Give us this day our daily chicken' isn't so bad and the Church could use the money.
So the Pope is ready to make the announcement to his fellow Cardinals, and he tells them, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that we have just come into $100 million."
A cardinal asks, "What could possibly be the bad news, Your Holiness?"
The Pope replies, "Sadly, we're losing the Wonder Bread account."

Yes, I know you've probably heard it before. I've heard a number of the ones on this thread, too. They're still good for a laugh.

Now, quickly, is that a pun, or a palindrome?

Pun. *nodnod*

And...ummm...

Girl goes into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre, so he gave her one.

I remember this from a book I've read, American Gods, where two spooks interrogate the hero of the story an ex-con named Shadow. They start treating him nice and try to lighten up the torture session they have planned, and one of them, Mr. Wood tells a joke about the CIA:

Wood: How can we be sure the CIA wasn't involved in the Kennedy assassination?
Shadow: I don't know, how can we be sure?
Wood: He's dead, isn't he?
Good book. :)

I hate having to think of jokes that are actually suitable for this forum...

A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre.
So he gives her one.

Pun. *nodnod*

And...ummm...

And . . . ummm . . . why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same, backwards and forwards?

Girl goes into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre, so he gave her one.
You bastard. :)

You bastard. :)

Sorry :(

oh, and gives--yeah, I got my tenses wrong.

:confused: :(
You beat me to the joke.

And . . . ummm . . . why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same, backwards and forwards?
And why is abbreviation such a long word?
And dyslexia so hard to spell?
And lethologica such a difficult word to remember?

Another Pope joke:

The Pope calls together the congress of cardinals.
"I've got good news, and bad news. The good news is, Jesus has returned to Earth and has contacted me."
"What could the bad news possibly be?"
"He was calling from Salt Lake City."

Another Pope joke:

The Pope calls together the congress of cardinals.
"I've got good news, and bad news. The good news is, Jesus has returned to Earth and has contacted me."
"What could the bad news possibly be?"
"He was calling from Salt Lake City."

I'm sorry I don't understand this

I'm sorry I don't understand this
Mormons.

Another Pope joke:

The Pope calls together the congress of cardinals.
"I've got good news, and bad news. The good news is, Jesus has returned to Earth and has contacted me."
"What could the bad news possibly be?"
"He was calling from Salt Lake City."

At least he wasn't calling from Topeka, KS.

Why was Six afraid of Seven? Because Seven Eight Nine.

Why was Six afraid of Seven? Because Seven Eight Nine.

Math jokes!

What's infinity times the square root of minus one?

Eight!

Why was Six afraid of Seven? Because Seven Eight Nine.
In a similar (poor) vein...

An English cat and a French cat had a swimming race across the English Channel. The English cat was the one-two-three cat, and the French cat was the un-deux-trois cat. Which one won?

The one-two-three cat. Because the un-deux-trois quatre cinq...

I'm here all week. :p

Why was Six afraid of Seven? Because Seven Eight Nine.

A silly joke!

What's purple and goes, "Slam! Slam! Slam! Slam!"?

A four-door grape.

Math jokes!

What's infinity times the square root of minus one?

Eight!
More math jokes!

Why do mathematicians get Hallowe'en and Christmas mixed up?

Because Oct 31 is Dec 25...

More math jokes!

Why do mathematicians get Hallowe'en and Christmas mixed up?

Because Oct 31 is Dec 25...

BOOOO. We* demand originality.

*I

In a similar (poor) vein...

An English cat and a French cat had a swimming race across the English Channel. The English cat was the one-two-three cat, and the French cat was the un-deux-trois cat. Which one won?

The one-two-three cat. Because the un-deux-trois quatre cinq...

I'm here all week. :p

LOL I'ma steal that! TY! :p

More math jokes!

Why do mathematicians get Hallowe'en and Christmas mixed up?

Because Oct 31 is Dec 25...

Can your humour get any more base?

Can your humour get any more base?

:D

A man walks into a bar. Ouch!

Tomorrow I'll be at fark.com :p

Can your humour get any more base?
Sigged!

ok, here goes.

So a pirate walks into a bar, and there is a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. So the bartender says "does that thing bother you?" so the pirate says "Yarr, it's drivin' me nuts!" :D

Sigged!

Well, I'm humbled. I guess I've finally arrived on NSG :) TY!

What if hypothetical questions didn't exist?

ok, here goes.

So a pirate walks into a bar, and there is a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. So the bartender says "does that thing bother you?" so the pirate says "Yarr, it's drivin' me nuts!" :D

:rolleyes: Its funny the first time you see it, but expect no 100 meat here

Alas, I can never remember a joke when it comes time to tell one

Some stupid labels. you've got to read number 12!
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/2006/09/ConsumerLabels.html
:headbang:

ok, here goes.

So a pirate walks into a bar, and there is a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. So the bartender says "does that thing bother you?" so the pirate says "Yarr, it's drivin' me nuts!" :D

I'm keeping track of whoever gets that joke first in these threads.

Learn chinese fast! If you find it offensive, Sorry! :(

directions: read these outloud

(English Phrase) I think you need a facelift

(Chinese Phrase) Chin Tu Fat

(English Phrase) Are you hiding a fugitive?

(Chinese Phrase) Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me A.S.A.P.
Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man
Dum Gai

Did you go to the beach?
Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table
Ai Bang Mai Ni

It's very dark in here
Wai So Dim

This is a tow away zone
No Pah King

You are not very bright
Yu So Dum

I got this for free
Ai No Pei

I am not guilty!
Wai Hang Mi?

Please stay a while longer
Wai Go Nao?

They have arrived
Hee Dei Kum.

Stay out of sight
Lei Lo

He's cleaning his automobile
Wa Sing Ka.

Your body odor is offensive
Yu Stin Ki

I thought you were on a diet?
Wai Yu Mun Ching?

2 men are sitting in their local at the bar,

One turns to the other and asks "where you from"
The other answers "liverpool"
"NO KIDDING, IM FROM LIVERPOOL, which school did you go to?"
"St. Marys"
"NO, I WENT TO ST. MARYS"
"What year did you leave"?
"1979"
"ME TOO"

At this point the bar-man turns to a regular and says "It's gonna be a long night. The Smith twins are drunk"

Some stupid labels. you've got to read number 12!
So, for #13, if I tried to stop the chainsaw with my genitals, I could sue the company if I get injured?

By the way, I think ebaumsworld links are banned here, so you might want to delete it.

A man goes down to the local gym. He said to the instructor, “Can you teach me how to do the splits?”
The man replied “How flexible are you?”
He said “I can’t make Tuesdays.”

So, for #13, if I tried to stop the chainsaw with my genitals, I could sue the company if I get injured?

By the way, I think ebaumsworld links are banned here, so you might want to delete it.

They would be better saying "If you enjoy causing pain to yourself you shouldnt be using it."

A German shepherd went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”

The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another Woof for the same price.”

“But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”

Why does tigger have no friends....






because he plays with poo...

Why doesn't the snowman work in the nuclear power plant?

In case there's a meltdown.

I made that up so I don't give a crap if it's.. crap.

What's black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and blue?

A penguin falling down a flight of stairs.

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon arrival the doctor said that he had invented a machine that would transfer a portion of the labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob at 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to bump the machine up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20%. The doctor checked the husbands blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At 50% the husband was still holding up fine, since this was obviously helping out his wife he encouraged the doctor to transfer all of the pain. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were absolutely thrilled. Everything was great until they got home and found the mailman dead on their porch

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon arrival the doctor said that he had invented a machine that would transfer a portion of the labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob at 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to bump the machine up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20%. The doctor checked the husbands blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At 50% the husband was still holding up fine, since this was obviously helping out his wife he encouraged the doctor to transfer all of the pain. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were absolutely thrilled. Everything was great until they got home and found the mailman dead on their porch

I sniggered. ^ ^

My friends, I have solved a great problem of the universe. And I'm only 13. :)
The question is: Why can a guy never find a woman as horny as him?




















Easy. They all have girlfriends.

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock" the drunk replied. A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. "Yup" replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the second guest asked, squinting at it.
"Watch" the man said. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed "YOU F*CK ING AS*HOLE....IT'S TEN PAST THREE IN THE MORNING!"

Bump

How many gears does an Italian Tank have?
5
4 Reverse and 1 Forward if attacked from the rear!
:p

How many gears does an Italian Tank have?
5
4 Reverse and 1 Forward if attacked from the rear!
:p

I don't know... how many?

I don't know... how many?
5, 4 Reverse and 1 Forward if attacked from the rear!:D

today, the irish minister of technology announced a press conference:

"we intend," he stated defiantly, "to start our own Irish space program. our first mission will be to send a rocket to the sun!"

"but won't that end up a rather futile mission?" asked a particularly astute journalist

"its fine" came the minister's reply, "we'll send the rocket up at night." :)



:P (sounds best in a faux/OTT irish accent :p)

If old person is at home, and there is no else around, and they fall over - do they make a sound?

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.
At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

And . . . ummm . . . why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same, backwards and forwards?

Because then it wouldn't mean "Emo R D nil ap" like it does?

My friends, I have solved a great problem of the universe. And I'm only 13. :)
Hopefully the universe will treat you with the same benevolence.
The question is: Why can a guy never find a woman as horny as him?
Because a horny guy can't find his own ass with both hands. boom boom!

I just posted two in a row, by accident, so let's go the whole sheep:

"What's the difference between a weasel and a stoat?"
"One's weasily distinguishable, and the other'stoatally different!"

It works verbally. Really, it does!

All of a Sudan, Chad was Hungary for some Chile and Turkey, with a side of Maldives. Yum!

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Some stupid labels. you've got to read number 12!
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/2006/09/ConsumerLabels.html
:headbang:

WHAT?!?! EBAUMSWORLD?!?!

*Brandishes sword*

TO BATTLE MY BROTHERS!

I feel so ashamed, I laughed at that. Then I saw the icon in the web address bar... THE BANANA!

paddy englishman. paddy scottishman and paddy irishman go to saudi arabia. they get to a village were they cant stop by a gang. the gang leader says to paddy scottishman,"i'll give you 20m lashes of my whip, but beforehand i'll give you one wish".
paddy scottishman asked for a pillow straped to his back during the whipping. half way through the whipping the pillow brakes so he onlt felt 10 of the lashings.
the gang leader says to paddy englishman,"i'll give you 20m lashes of my whip, but beforehand i'll give you one wish".
paddy english asks for two pillows to be put on his back during the whippings, but the two pillows break so he only felt 5 of the lashings.
the gang leader says to paddy irishman,"i'll give you 20m lashes of my whip, but beforehand i'll give you two wishes, because i like ireland".
paddy irish asks for his first wish to be an extra 100 lashings. the leader, puzzled about this, asks "what about your second wish?"
paddy irishman replies,"i wish i had paddy englishman straped to my back".

Good one :D

Bump

Four friends went on vacation together. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing -- hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I just watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," He said.
They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."

Hopefully no one has done this one yet:

Where do you find a dog with no legs?





Where you last left it.:)

A priest, a rabbi, a dancing frog, a singing hamster, and a cowboy walk into a bar. The bartender says "No soap, radio!"

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no idea.

Ok these are perhaps the most twisted Jokes I have heard...

I wouldn't say they make me laugh.. but comedy is about pushing boundries right?? ...... right?

What did the Deaf Dumb and Blind Girl get for Christmas

Answer:Cancer

Whats the best thing about sex with twenty eight year olds?

Answer:There are twenty of them

I had a really deep converation with my cousin who was a Dyslexic Agnostic.


we were discussing the exsistance or non exsistance of Dog.



Dyslexics of the world Untie!

Zilam.

What is the difference between a dead lawyer on the road and a dead snake on the road?

There are skid marks in front of the snake.

I'm going to feel bad for this, but I've been inspired to post Helen Keller jokes.

How did Helen Keller burn her fingers?
Reading the waffle iron.

What did Helen Keller do when she fell down the well?
Scream her hands off.

Why did Helen Keller's dog jump off a cliff?
You would too if your name was Ugggghhrrggh.

How did Helen Keller go crazy?
She tried to read a stucco wall.

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no balls?

STILL no friggin' idea.

Two men got lost hunting in the woods. one turns to the other and says
"I remember hearing that if you're in trouble, you fire three shots into the air. give that a try."
so the second man fires three shots.

hours go by.

"try it again"

So they fire three more shots, and again, hours go by with no response.

"one more time"
"Ok," said the second man, "but these are my last three arrows."


++

Three men went bird hunting with 10 dogs. later that night they returned with no birds and no dogs.
"You figger we wern't throwing those dogs high enough or what?"

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

What is the difference between a dead lawyer on the road and a dead snake on the road?

There are skid marks in front of the snake.

Good one hehe :D

Bump

Old one...

Why do women fake orgasms?














Because they think we care.

Where does Napoleon keep his armies?

In his sleevies. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Yes. It's lame.

I had a really deep converation with my cousin who was a Dyslexic Agnostic.


we were discussing the exsistance or non exsistance of Dog.



Dyslexics of the world Untie!

I tell this one whenever people start up with the dyslexia jokes.

A dyslexic man went to the video store to find the Super-hero movie his son asked for. He remembered it starred Ben Stiller, William H. Macy, and Janneane Garofalo, but forgot what it was actually called. Fortunatly, the clerk pointed him to the a comptuer that allowed you to look up movies by cast. He typed in the names and was relieved when he only saw one result and recognized it. He triumphantly approached the clerk and told him "Try My Semen."

Bump

Bump

http://img228.imageshack.us/img228/8413/threadlichvk0.jpg

;)

Zombie thread!

Kill it kill it!

Whats the best thing about having sex with 24 year olds?

When 19 of them are tired and bleeding, you still have one left!


(Does this count as a maths joke, or a possible prision sentence?)