NationStates Jolt Archive

Eighteen Ways to Be a Good Liberal!
1. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial, but being homosexual is natural.

2. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and government creates prosperity.

3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding citizens are more of a threat than nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Iran or North Korea.

4. You have to believe that there was no art before federal funding.

5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical changes in the earth's climate and MORE affected by soccer moms driving SUVs.

6. You have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on demand.

7. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by lack of federal funding.

8. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach fourth graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but PETA activists do.

10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

11. You have to believe that Mel Gibson spent $25 million of his own money to make "The Passion of the Christ" for financial gain only.

12. You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.

13. You have to believe that taxes are too low and ATM fees are too high.

14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history that Thomas Jefferson, Robert E. Lee. and Thomas A. Edison.

15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas are not.

16. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere that it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.

17. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag queens and transvestites should be constitutionally-protected, and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.

18. You have to believe that this message is part of a vast right-wing conspiracy.

New Lawyer Joke!
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine
when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got
out to investigate

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

Well, then, you can come with me to my house and
I'll feed you" the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along" the lawyer replied. Turning to
the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said,
"But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even
for a car large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the
lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for
taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really
love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

The lawyer joke was good. The "how to be a good liberal" list was funny in a sort of part bemused, part disbelieving, part losing faith in humanity, "what will those wacky Busheviks say next" kind of way. You fail.

Hmmm...where have I seen that "How to be a good liberal" list before. Hmm, usually right next to "How to be a good conservative."

I guess this thread is a perfect example for my statement in the American humour/English humour thread...

Yay for stereotypical American ignorance of the proper meaning of the word "liberal"!

Yay for stereotypical American ignorance of the proper meaning of the word "liberal"!

Actually, I believe it is you who is confused.

There is "american" english and "english" english.

We know exactly what is meant by the term liberal in our dialect.

Maybe you should be a little more multi-cultural:-)

Actually, I believe it is you who is confused.

There is "american" english and "english" english.

We know exactly what is meant by the term liberal in our dialect.

Maybe you should be a little more multi-cultural:-)


I suppose if one is speaking to an ignorant person who is from the USA, one can attempt to work out which misguided definition or perception of a word is being used.

To be a good liberal you have to

1) Prioritize liberty.
2)....?
3) PROFIT

I think my definition is better. And it's more funny too. LOL!

Eighteen Ways to Be a Good Liberal!
1. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial, but being homosexual is natural.

Because a genetic sexual preference is totally the same as a social creation.

2. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and government creates prosperity.

I know few liberals who beleive the second statement. The first is only true of unregulated businesses. It's also two totally unrelated statements.

3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding citizens are more of a threat than nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Iran or North Korea.

Liberals are split on gun control and on how to deal with NK and Iran. Many of us beleive that we have to prevent these things, but that war would be an inefficient and ineffective way of doing so.

4. You have to believe that there was no art before federal funding.

Well... Before art was being funded by a patron, yes. I challenge you to find an era in which artists were not under the care of a patron.

Ancient - Normally artists were teenagers who were dependant upon their family groups for sustenance.

Greek - Either they were commercial artists (IE, they did the pots for shipping things, which was more like advertisement), or they were in the employ of the polises.

Roman - Higher-rank families were the patrons of artists.

Medieval - The church was a patron

Reneisance - The Medici, and other rich merchant families payed for artists.

Impressionism - Less clear... Affluent families would normally invest in artists.

Modern - The government becomes the patron.

5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical changes in the earth's climate and MORE affected by soccer moms driving SUVs.

Yes. Next stupid statement?

6. You have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on demand.

And? I see no connection between the two. People being put to death are people, fetuses are not. Simple as that.

7. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by lack of federal funding.

No, we beleive that a lack of federal funding has impeded the search for a cure.

8. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach fourth graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

The vast majority of teachers are both capable of teaching children to read, and teaching them about sex.

9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but PETA activists do.

The vast majority of liberals despise PETA activists and are mostly apathetic about hunting.

10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

No.

11. You have to believe that Mel Gibson spent $25 million of his own money to make "The Passion of the Christ" for financial gain only.

No, I beleive that Mel Gibson is an anti-semitic cretin who spent that money because he's an inane bigot, and because it made a great deal of money.

12. You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.

Many liberals support both the NRA and the ACLU.

13. You have to believe that taxes are too low and ATM fees are too high.

Eh?

14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history that Thomas Jefferson, Robert E. Lee. and Thomas A. Edison.

Huh?

15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas are not.

Yeah... Three in a row. Where do you get this shit?

16. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere that it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.

Socialism has nothing to do with liberalism.

17. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag queens and transvestites should be constitutionally-protected, and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.

In what context? I don't beleive that a manger scene should be put up by a city government, but if a Christian group gets a permit to put one up, that's their perrogitive.

18. You have to believe that this message is part of a vast right-wing conspiracy.

No, its quite clearly a set of misunderstandings created by someone who can't tell a ranting socialist from a liberal, and who has no desire to engage in a discussion of real facts.

AHAHAHAH

And to be a good conservative you have to... wait
nvrmnd - there are no good conservatives. :D

The lawyer joke was funny, I didn't see the punchline coming at all.

The liberal list was boring.

Actually, I believe it is you who is confused.

There is "american" english and "english" english.

We know exactly what is meant by the term liberal in our dialect.

Maybe you should be a little more multi-cultural:-)
Liberal in the UK and indeed anywhere else on the planet is what it actually suggests - people who believe in liberalising everything, especially business, and cutting off welfare.

You call these people Libertarians, no?

Liberal in the US means 'people who do not stick to rigid Christian moral codes'. This is rather strange, to be honest.

^^ what KSP said (I would QFT, but it's just too long)


I am a liberal who is pro-business (small business, that is), against abortion (though I encourage others to decide for themselves. I don't turn my choice into law), against Affirmative action (race should be ignored, not legislated upon), and anti gun control (though not to the extent that it impedes the law enforcement in their duties.)

You, on the other hand, are merely ignorant.

Liberal in the US means 'people who do not stick to rigid Christian moral codes'. This is rather strange, to be honest.

only when you use the American definition of liberalism as it is defined by the Right-wing nutjobs.

Rove and his ilk have been working since the beginning of the Regan administration to turn 'liberal' into an insult.

If viewed purely as satire, the liberals list is hilarious. Now, someone should do one for conservatives. :D

Any takers?

Hmmm...where have I seen that "How to be a good liberal" list before.

About a hundred times on this forum?

If viewed purely as satire, the liberals list is hilarious. Now, someone should do one for conservatives. :D

Any takers?

already done:
TO BE A GOOD CONSERVATIVE REPUBLICAN...

1. You have to believe that teenagers shouldn't learn about safe sex because ignorance is the best way to prevent pregnancy, and besides,only those homos get AIDS and you thank God for that.

2. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to lead all kids in prayer regardless of their faith as long as it's your faith.

3. You have to believe it is intelligent to buy a gun to protect your family and home despite the fact that you are 40 times more likely to kill your own family member than an intruder.

4. You have to believe that it's OK to have an affair as long as you divorce your spouse after you've been caught and marry the mistress. (Dole, Reagan, Gingrich, Barr, etc.)

5. You have to believe that your SUV should be exempt from emission standards even though it spews out 4 times the pollution of any car, because you enjoy sitting high above the congested traffic.

6. You have to believe abortion is always wrong because all lives are precious and you'll kill any doctor who performs one.

7. You have to believe that the minimum wage should be outlawed because thanks to the extreme generosity of corporations you are overpaid.

8. You have to believe that your children will have a well-rounded education by banning books in the public schools and libraries.

9. You have to believe that in case the government goes bad, you'll need your handgun to successfully fight off an organized army that has tanks, aircraft, battleships, missiles, satellites, and 2 million well-trained soldiers.

10 You have to believe that the NRA is good because it supports a self-serving portion of the Constitution, but the ACLU is bad because it supports all portions of the Constitution, even the right for your fellow Klansmen to have a parade in a Jewish neighborhood.

11. You have to believe that a woman cannot be trusted with decisions about her own body, but that large multinational corporations should make decisions affecting all mankind with no regulation whatsoever.

12. You have to believe that diversity on your presidential ticket means two Texas millionaire oilmen from different corporations.

13. You have to believe the Hate Crimes Bill is bad because it gives "special protection" to a group of people, but think that laws that prohibit citizens from suing Tobacco Corporations, Gun-makers and HMOs are not special protection.

14. You have to believe that freedom of speech is cherished as long as you like what is being said.

15. You have to believe that over the past 20 years, no Presidential primary is complete without the name Dole and/or Bush on it.

16. You have to believe that trickle-down economics works because the rich surely won't keep all that money to themselves. Look how well it worked during the Reagan-Bush years.

17. You have to believe Clinton is bad because he lied about a private sexual indiscretion under oath, but Ronald "I don't remember" Reagan and George "I wasn't there" Bush are heroes because they lied under oath about illegally selling arms to Iranian militants and giving the cash to drug-smuggling Nicaraguan Contras.

18. You have to believe that its OK for government to sanction religion just as long as it's your religion.

19. You have to believe the homosexual agenda is to get a purple Tele-Tubby to turn our children gay.

20. You have to believe that hunters need assault weapons to assist in natural selection, because they shoot only the starving and sick animals and will not shoot that magnificent 12-point stag.

21. You have to believe that Reagan's tripling the deficit was good for the economy.

22. You have to believe that the best leaders to espouse family values are those with one or more failed marriages (Dole, Reagan, Gingrich, Barr, Limbaugh, etc.)

23. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you are millionaire conservative radio jock, which makes it an "illness" and needs our prayers for "recovery."

24. You have to believe that the members of your national convention represent a good cross-sectional and diverse group of Americans.

25. You have to believe that a national sales tax is better than income tax because everyone uses the same proportion of their income to buy food, clothing, and housing, but really, the only good tax is one which only the poor pay.

26. You have to believe Jesus was a Conservative and shares your hatred of AIDS victims, homosexuals, and President Clinton. You also ask yourself "What would Jesus Do?" and completely ignore the fact that he stayed out of politics, never tried to get a law passed, never tried to obtain wealth, nor spoke of divisive drivel.

27. You believe that charitable organizations should take care of the poor and then give nothing to charity (i.e. Dick Cheney).

28. You believe that a rape victim should be forced to raise her attacker's offspring and then fight her attempts to get welfare when she tries to do so.

29. You have to believe a poor, minority student with a disciplinary history and failing grades will be admitted into an elite private school with a $1,000 voucher (Dubya doesn't count, because he's not a minority. He just became President with the minority).

30. You have to believe that a great way to lower air pollution is to get others to ride mass transit; that way you can get to work in your SUV much faster.

31. You have to believe the talk of Randy Weaver and David Koresh are more important than actions of Franklin Roosevelt and Martin Luther King, and what happened at Ruby Ridge is more important than what happened at Selma, Alabama.

32. You have to believe that Hillary Clinton was crazy for talking to spirits in the White House, but Nancy Reagan is OK for consulting astrologers to help her decide U.S. policies while Ronnie was in the hospital.

33. You have to believe everything that is said by right-wing wackos on talk radio.

34) You have to believe that Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him with chemical weapons to fight Iran, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney was doing business with him for Halliburton, and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

35) You have to believe that the lumber from the last one percent of old growth U.S. forests is well worth the extinction of several species of plants and animals therein. Besides, it will prevent forest fires.

36) You have to believe that Aid to Mothers with Dependent children is wasteful, but giving tax breaks to companies moving American jobs overseas is just what government is for.

37) You have to believe that trade with Cuba is wrong because it is communist, but trading with China and Vietnam is good.

38) You have to believe that the public has a right to know what the government is doing but that Bush was right to censor those 28 pages from the Congressional 9/11 report because you just can't handle the truth.

We know exactly what is meant by the term liberal in our dialect.

Whose dialect?

This being a UK forum (check the URL), it does make me wonder.

only when you use the American definition of liberalism as it is defined by the Right-wing nutjobs.

Rove and his ilk have been working since the beginning of the Regan administration to turn 'liberal' into an insult.
Well since they're the most vocal on the subject, that's what I'm taking as what the definition is - sorry if that's the wrong definition.

If viewed purely as satire, the liberals list is hilarious. Now, someone should do one for conservatives. :D

satire is when something is funny because it's true.

this isn't either.

EDIT: Oh, I realised it was a joke. Stupid me. *facepalm*

The lawyer joke was good. The "how to be a good liberal" list was funny in a sort of part bemused, part disbelieving, part losing faith in humanity, "what will those wacky Busheviks say next" kind of way. You fail.

Actually, I have it on good authority that list was written by some Democrats who felt like lampooning the idiots in their party.

Or I wrote it. Take your pick.

already done:
TO BE A GOOD CONSERVATIVE REPUBLICAN... snippage

Did this list come from a website? If so I'd love a link. :)

Did this list come from a website? If so I'd love a link. :)

yeah - I found it here: http://www.geocities.com/fultoncountydemocrat/good_republican.htm

12. You have to believe that diversity on your presidential ticket means two Texas millionaire oilmen from different corporations.

This one actually made me snort my juice. :D

yeah - I found it here: http://www.geocities.com/fultoncountydemocrat/good_republican.htm

Thank you.

*saves site*

Actually, I have it on good authority that list was written by some Democrats who felt like lampooning the idiots in their party.

It is they who are acting like idiots, then, because their "lampooning" reflects straw men, complete distortions, and the implication of absurdity to statements that are not absurd at all.

It is not funny. It is just stupid.

Spare me the drama. Comma. Taldaan.

To everyone who tried to turn this into a serious discussion,
You need to learn how to laugh. This was meant as a joke thread. I was going to post more jokes, mostly political humor, but my connection crapped out. Damn you, Qwest! I'm not so sure I should now considering the response I got. Geeze, haven't you ever heard of a funny boner? I suggest you get one. Also, I demand you erect--haha, I said erect--a statue of me! And get MEEE a cherry coke.

Spare me the drama. Comma. Taldaan.

To everyone who tried to turn this into a serious discussion,
You need to learn how to laugh. This was meant as a joke thread.

Yeah. And you forgot teh funny.

To be conservative:
You have to believe TV hosts pretending to be journalists care about the facts.

Liberal in the UK and indeed anywhere else on the planet is what it actually suggests - people who believe in liberalising everything, especially business, and cutting off welfare.

You call these people Libertarians, no?

Liberal in the US means 'people who do not stick to rigid Christian moral codes'. This is rather strange, to be honest.

Not really, in the U.S. a liberal is a person who believes in stronger governmental control over buisness and industry, while laxing on other freedoms such as speech and marriage.

Not really, in the U.S. a liberal is a person who believes in stronger governmental control over buisness and industry, while laxing on other freedoms such as speech and marriage.

...and a conservative is a liberal who was mugged by reality.

...and a conservative is a liberal who was mugged by reality.

You mean paranoid delusion.

You mean paranoid delusion.

That would apply to neo-cons, not conservatives in general.

If you wanted to make a list at least make one, don't just copy one that was made 6 years ago.

I have a great joke that was posted on the political forum I call home!

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous
pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud
towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban
sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I
tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will
you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects
it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the
Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an
exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite
that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and
exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image
has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected
Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes,
receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and
says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says
the cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused
as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly
what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why
not?"

You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much
smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is
a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.