NationStates Jolt Archive

And this time, a NON-RACIST one.

Hear that, Frisbeertia?

I'll start it off with a few of my own.



So there's this bus full of ugly people. The bus driver starts to doze off, and eventually he falls asleep and drives off a cliff, and all the ugly people die horrible deaths.

So they get to heaven and wait for St. Paul to let them. St. Paul says that since they've all had horrible lives and died horrible deaths, he'd let each of
them have one wish, as long as it wasn't to come back to life.

So the first one comes up and says "I want to be pretty. I'm sick and tired of being ugly.

So St. Paul makes him pretty, and he goes into heaven.

The second one comes up sand says the same thing, so St. Paul makes her pretty and she goes into heaven. After this, the last guy in line starts laughing.

So all the ugly people are asking for the same thing, to be pretty. Meanwhile the guy in the back just keep laughing.

So the line comes down to three people, and the person in front of the last guy says "Why are you laughing?" The last guy, who is now on the floor and can hardly breath says "You'll see."

So the other two go through, and the last guy comes up to St. Paul, barely able to talk, and says






















































"I wish all those people were ugly again."



So there's three guys who all died at the same time. They're waiting for St. Paul to let them into heaven. So the first guy comes up, and St. Paul says "I'll let you in, but you have to tell me how many times you cheated on your wife."

So the first guy says "Well, I kind of cheated on her all the time." So St. Paul gives him a rusty bicycle and lets him into heaven.

So the second guy comes up and says "Well, I didn't cheat on my wife THAT much, just every now and then." So St. Paul gives him a beat-up truck and lets him into heaven.

So the third guy comes up and says "I never cheated on my wife." So St. Paul gives him a sports car and lets him into heaven.

So a few weeks go by and the guys with the rusty bicycle and the beat-up truck are talking to each other while they're on Heaven's Road. Then they see the guy with the sports car crying, parked to the side of the road. So they go up to him and say "Dude, why are you crying? You have like, a sports car! What's there to cry about?"

He then says "You don't understand!














































I just saw my wife go by on rollerskates!"

Here's a semi-sexual one.



So there's three kids playing in a farmer's yard. The farmer catches them, and says to them "The next time I catch you boys playing in my yard, I'll cut off your penis the way your father works!"

So a few days go by, and they boys are playing in the farmer's yard again. The farmer catches them. He says to them "All right. Now you've done it. I'm going to ask each of you what your father does, then I'll cut off your penises the way he works."

He goes up the first boy and says "What does your father do?"

The boy says "He's a butcher."

So the farmer takes a cleaver and cuts off the boy's penis.

The third boy starts laughing after he does this. The boy who's penis just got cut off is yelling at him about what's so funny. He just tells the boy that he'll see.

The farmer goes up to the next boy and asks the same thing.

The boy says "My father's a carpenter."

So the farmer takes a saw and saws the boy's penis off.

The farmer comes up to the third boy, and see's him holding in a laugh. The farmer shrugs it off, and asks him the same question.

The boy says























































"My father's an ice cream man. You'll have to lick mine off."

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?



































Because he had no guts! :eek:

*drum roll*

For lack of anything else I can think of at the moment, an old joke from the nineties of a political nature:

What do Monica Lewinsky and a vending machine have in common?









Answer: "Insert Bill Here"

I couldn't think of anything else, and these two losers stole the other, cleanish jokes that I know. Booooooo :D

A man wakes up with 3 testicles and is confused. Taking the bus, he goes to the doctor and gets a physical, asking "Doctor, I have three testicles, is that bad?"

The doctor replies, "No, that's good. That means you make 3 times as much sperm." The man was happy.

Feeling in a particularly good mood on the bus, he whispered to the old man sitting beside him. "Hey, you know, between you and me, we've got five testicles."

The old man looked shocked. "What? You've got one?"

what's the difference between a teddy bear?





































one of it's legs is both the same!

A woman is granted two wishes by a Genie

"okay" she says "I won't big boobs and a tight ****"











so he gave her doubles E's and your number :p

I don't get the OP's second joke. What's funny about rollerblades and sports cars?

I don't get the OP's second joke. What's funny about rollerblades and sports cars?

You see, depending on how many times you cheated on your spouse, you got a mode of transportation. The more times, the less good it was. The guy with the sports car never cheated on his wife. But his wife had rollerblades, which is sucky transportation. Put 2 and 2 together.

Here's one.

Bush enters the matrix and sees the oracle, while waiting he notices the boy bending spoons. The boy then hands bush a spoon and says "Do not try to bend the spoon...that is impossible...instead only try to realise the truth!" Bush then asks "What is the truth?" The boy replies by saying "There is no spoon, then soon you'll realise it's not the spoon that bends its only yourself." Bush then bent the spoon. Bush then smiled and said "There are no laws."

Did anyone get it or think it was funny?

A homeless guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me a beer!"

The barkeep says. "Your the homeless guy who hangs around down the street! Let me see the money first."

The homeless man says, "I don't have any money, but if I show you something you never saw before, can I get a free drink?"

"Sure."

The homeless guy pulls out a hamster. It runs across the table and jumps onto the nearby piano and starts playing Gershwin. Everyone is clapping and cheering, and the homeless guy gets his free beer. The man drinks it slowly and when he finishes, he says "Can I have another?"

The barkeep says, "You gonna pay or you got another miracle?"

The man pulls out a frog that starts singing beautiful Italian opera. Another man says "I'll give you $500 for that frog!" The homeless man agrees, and the guy grabs the frog, dropping the money on the table and running out the door.

"You were taken! That frog was worth millions!" shouted the bartender.


To which the homeless man replies, "No he isn't. The hamster is a ventriloquist!"

ah yes, i got it just now. yes, this is most hilarious.

Jack, a loyal Christian, met a girl and fell in love with her. He thought that she was a virgin and decided to marry her. However the girl was not a virgin, and knowing that Jack will change his mind if he finds out, she asked her mother for advise.


Mother: Do not worry dear, just buy a little fire cracker and put it into your pussy, when you do it for the first time, light it up, and when it explodes tell him that you are a women now. I did the same thing with your father and he never found out.

So they got married, and on the wedding night when they were about to do it, she inserted a BIG fire cracker. She light it up, and the thing exploded with a very loud bang.


The girl: wow I am a women now.


Jack: WOW WOW ME TOO!!

Jack, a loyal Christian, met a girl and fell in love with her. He thought that she was a virgin and decided to marry her. However the girl was not a virgin, and knowing that Jack will change his mind if he finds out, she asked her mother for advise.


Mother: Do not worry dear, just buy a little fire cracker and put it into your pussy, when you do it for the first time, light it up, and when it explodes tell him that you are a women now. I did the same thing with your father and he never found out.

So they got married, and on the wedding night when they were about to do it, she inserted a BIG fire cracker. She light it up, and the thing exploded with a very loud bang.


The girl: wow I am a women now.


Jack: WOW WOW ME TOO!!
Umm.... eww? lol

Jack, a loyal Christian, met a girl and fell in love with her. He thought that she was a virgin and decided to marry her. However the girl was not a virgin, and knowing that Jack will change his mind if he finds out, she asked her mother for advise.


Mother: Do not worry dear, just buy a little fire cracker and put it into your pussy, when you do it for the first time, light it up, and when it explodes tell him that you are a women now. I did the same thing with your father and he never found out.

So they got married, and on the wedding night when they were about to do it, she inserted a BIG fire cracker. She light it up, and the thing exploded with a very loud bang.


The girl: wow I am a women now.


Jack: WOW WOW ME TOO!!

Ehh... Not funny.

Umm.... eww? lol

lol! :p

Ehh... Not funny.

Oh comon.

Jack, a loyal Christian, met a girl and fell in love with her. He thought that she was a virgin and decided to marry her. However the girl was not a virgin, and knowing that Jack will change his mind if he finds out, she asked her mother for advise.


Mother: Do not worry dear, just buy a little fire cracker and put it into your pussy, when you do it for the first time, light it up, and when it explodes tell him that you are a women now. I did the same thing with your father and he never found out.

So they got married, and on the wedding night when they were about to do it, she inserted a BIG fire cracker. She light it up, and the thing exploded with a very loud bang.


The girl: wow I am a women now.


Jack: WOW WOW ME TOO!!

That made me cringe...

Oh comon.

It really wasn't.

This on the other hand:

http://gamer1337.com/mkportal/modules/gallery/album/a_17.jpg

I don't care if it isn't technically a joke.

It really wasn't.

This on the other hand:

http://gamer1337.com/mkportal/modules/gallery/album/a_17.jpg

I don't care if it isn't technically a joke.

If Jesus was that buff, we would have alot more Christians. :p

It really wasn't.

This on the other hand:

http://gamer1337.com/mkportal/modules/gallery/album/a_17.jpg

I don't care if it isn't technically a joke.

Saw that a while ago, that image is classic.

Saw that a while ago, that image is classic.
Indeed it is.

http://www.walrusgiggles.com/flvb/yt.php?vid=gyNulFf_L0s
Did you guys see this yet?:p

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?





















Because it was dead.


2. What do you get when you cross a male owl and a female owl?
















A baby owl.

How many Christians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Christians aren't allowed to screw.

why do ducks have flat feet?

















to put out forest fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?
















to put out flaming ducks.

Why do elephants paint their toenails?















to hide in jellybean jars.

have you ever seen an elephant in a jellybean jar?
















see, it works!

A young teenage girl was about to finish her first year of college. She considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat but her father was a rather staunch Republican. One day she was challenging her father on his beliefs and his opposition to taxes and welfare programs. He stopped her and asked her how she was doing in school. She answered that she had a 4.0 GPA but it was really tough. She had to study all the time, and she never had time to go out and party. She didn't have time for a boyfriend and didn't really have many college friends because of spending all her time studying. He asked, "How is your friend Mary?" She replied that Mary was barely getting by. She had a 2.0 GPA and never studied. She was very popular on campus and went to parties all the time. She often didn't show up for classes because she was hung over. Dad then asked his daughter why she didn't go to the Dean's office and have 1.0 taken off her 4.0 and give it to her friend with the 2.0. That way they would both have a 3.0GPA. The daughter angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I worked really hard for mine and Mary has done nothing." The father slowly smiled and said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

:D

Eat like a snake (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=506553):D

ok these might be a bit old so you might have heard of them
yo mamma so stupid she got hit by a parked car
yo mamma so stupid she sold her car for gas money
yo mamma so stupid she got stabbed at a shootout
yo mamma so stupid she ruler with her to bed to how long she slept
yo mamma so fat that she tripped in 5th street she landed in 7th
yo mamma so fat that when a car tried to swerve around her it ran out of gas
yo mamma so fat that when a salior saw her he yelled "land Ahoy!"
yo mamma so stupid she sat on the t.v. and watched the couch

:eek:

A young teenage girl was about to finish her first year of college. She considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat but her father was a rather staunch Republican. One day she was challenging her father on his beliefs and his opposition to taxes and welfare programs. He stopped her and asked her how she was doing in school. She answered that she had a 4.0 GPA but it was really tough. She had to study all the time, and she never had time to go out and party. She didn't have time for a boyfriend and didn't really have many college friends because of spending all her time studying. He asked, "How is your friend Mary?" She replied that Mary was barely getting by. She had a 2.0 GPA and never studied. She was very popular on campus and went to parties all the time. She often didn't show up for classes because she was hung over. Dad then asked his daughter why she didn't go to the Dean's office and have 1.0 taken off her 4.0 and give it to her friend with the 2.0. That way they would both have a 3.0GPA. The daughter angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I worked really hard for mine and Mary has done nothing." The father slowly smiled and said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

:D

Now Wilgrove...

Realize that money and GPA is a completely different thing. To get high GPAs you actually have to work hard. To get a lot of money most people don't work hard. It's the people who work the hardest that get the least money. But it's the people who work the least who get the worst GPAs.

I don't get the OP's second joke. What's funny about rollerblades and sports cars?

actually found this funny

what do you call a welsh w/ 2 sheep?

-pimp!

how many emokids does it take to change a broken light bulb?

-none, they'd rather sit in the dark and cry!

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb.

Two. but how they get into the lightbulb is another joke.

An IRA man shows up at the pearly gates and St. Peter comes out to greet him. St. Peter takes one look and says "I don't think you can get in here.The IRA man says"Who wants in? You've twenty minutes to get the *#!@ out!

An IRA man shows up at the pearly gates and St. Peter comes out to greet him. St. Peter takes one look and says "I don't think you can get in here.The IRA man says"Who wants in? You've twenty minutes to get the *#!@ out!

LOL!

That shows how powerful the IRA is...

Looks like God didn't pay his taxes!

How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?




Silly! Blondes don't screw in a lightbulb, blondes screw in a car!

LOL!

That shows how powerful the IRA is...

Looks like God didn't pay his taxes!

Errr... taxes would be the IRS man, not the IRA man...

Errr... taxes would be the IRS man, not the IRA man...
Meh Its not the funnist joke in the worls anyhow.

Errr... taxes would be the IRS man, not the IRA man...

*Punches self*

They're only one letter away...

But it's still pretty funny either way.

And this time, a NON-RACIST one.

Hear that, Frisbeertia?
Oh give it a few days:p

Whats blueand yellow at the bottom of a pool?








Thats right, a baby with slashed floaties!







Whats red and yellow on top of the pool/







Thats right, a slashed baby with floaties!

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.


The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day - when an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.

The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"


"No matter." said the man, "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.

The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."


WAIT! WAIT! Were not through yet!!


The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned,clutched at his chest and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.

"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop,

WAIT FOR IT...


"But he's a dead ringer for his brother."

Whats blueand yellow at the bottom of a pool?








Thats right, a baby with slashed floaties!







Whats red and yellow on top of the pool/







Thats right, a slashed baby with floaties!

Well, I know we couldn't keep out the dead baby jokes...

a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel shoved down his pants, and orders a beer, the bartender says "what's with the steering wheel?" and the pirate says "ARG! IT'S DRIVING ME NUTS!"

a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel shoved down his pants, and orders a beer, the bartender says "what's with the steering wheel?" and the pirate says "ARG! IT'S DRIVING ME NUTS!"

OOOOOLLLLLDDDDD!

OOOOOLLLLLDDDDD!

you didn't say ' a new joke thread '


and besides I heard your jokes years ago........like when I was still in junior high, you know when you were a baby.

LOL!

That shows how powerful the IRA is...

Looks like God didn't pay his taxes!

YOU WIN!!!!!

Funniest post in thread!:p

A guy finds an old lamp and rubs it and a genie comes out.
The genie says "Hey man ill give you 3 wishes"
"Cool" said the man.
"But" said the Genie "Whatever you wish for your worst enemy gets double"
So the guy agrees and he's like Hey this wont be so bad, I mean I can have anything I want!
So the next day the genie comes to him and says "What’s your first wish?"
The guy says "I want a Buggati Veyron V12, fully loaded"
"Done" says the genie.
So the guy's driving to his mother in laws house to pick up his wife and the mother in law as 2 Bugattis. She rubs them all in the guy's face so he's a little mad.
The next day when the genie asks him for his 2nd wish he says
“Genie I want a 5000sq foot house”
So you guessed it, the mother in-law gets a 10,000 sq ft house.
She rubs it all in this guy’s face.
Naturally, he’s pissed then the genie comes for his 3rd and final wish
The man says
“Genie, I want you to take this shovel and beat me half to death”

you didn't say ' a new joke thread '


and besides I heard your jokes years ago........like when I was still in junior high, you know when you were a baby.
PWNAGGE!
SLANI!

you didn't say ' a new joke thread '


and besides I heard your jokes years ago........like when I was still in junior high, you know when you were a baby.

:p

Oh well...

I'm just saying that I've heard that ten thousand times...

And how old are you anyways? I've never caught your age...

:p

Oh well...

I'm just saying that I've heard that ten thousand times...

And how old are you anyways? I've never caught your age...

about 10 years older than you. (okay 12......but still)

about 10 years older than you. (okay 12......but still)

Wait... You're 26? Last I checked I thought you were in your thirties...

(Don't hurt me.)

Wait... You're 26? Last I checked I thought you were in your thirties...

(Don't hurt me.)

actually you are slightly older than I remembered....I will be 25 in about a month.

This is a well known one, but I find it incredibly funny:

Three guys are lost in the jungle, when they get captured by natives. The tribal chief says that, if they want to live, they have to do two tasks. The first task is to go out into the forest and pick 10 of their favourite fruit. The men go off into the forest and an hour or so later the first man comes back with ten apples.

"Right," says the chief, "Your next task is to shove them all up your anus without showing any signs of emotion. He manages to get one in but then cries out in pain and gets killed.

A few minutes later, the second guy arrives with ten cranberries. He manages to get 9 up there but suddenly starts laughing hysterically, and is killed.

In heaven, the first man asks the second man "You were doing so well, why did you start laughing?"
"Well", the man replies...


































"I just saw the other guy coming back with ten pineapples!"

actually you are slightly older than I remembered....I will be 25 in about a month.

Jeez, that's younger than I expected...

Jeez, that's young.

a quarter of a freaking century old!!!!!!!!!

yeah, I am pretty young.

<SNIP>

It's watermelons.

It's watermelons.

Maybe, but pineapples got spikes!

a quarter of a freaking century old!!!!!!!!!

yeah, I am pretty young.

Pics?

Pics?

heck no!

heck no!

It's just that I think I remeber seeing a picture of you sometime back and you looked as though you were a hell of a lot old than 25.

(Don't hurt me! I'm just saying that I don't think that picture is you, I just want to make sure!)

It's just that I think I remeber seeing a picture of you sometime back and you looked as though you were a hell of a lot old than 25.

(Don't hurt me! I'm just saying that I don't think that picture is you, I just want to make sure!)

I am ageing pretty good, I still get carded everywhere that needs ID, I even got carded not too long ago (within the past 6 months) because an officer thought I was out after curfew (meaning he thought I was under 18.....creepy)

if you google Smunkee, you will probably find a pic of me, in fact it's probably on the second link down on one of my blogs....or you can check my NaNoWriMo profile smunkeethewriter for it........if anyone else finds the white text....SHHH!!!












:p

WARNING: NERD ALERT!

Why do nerds mess up Halloween and Christmas? Because OCT 31 == DEC 25.

Two lines meet each other on the way to infinity, celebrate their meeting and when they are about to leave on their endless way, one say: "But next time, you pay the beer!"

The functions are having a big party, they all have much fun only e^x is standing at the wall and watching them. sin(x) says: "Why are you just standing here? you should try to integrate yourself!"
e^x replies: "I tried, it did not work."

Unix is the Operating System of the future - since more than 30 years.



NERDALERT ENDS HERE!

The Berlin wall was just teared down and an GDR-German for the first time in his life enters west-Berlin sees a westerner. He is happy and shouts: "We are one people!" The westerner laconically: "we too!"


Or... are GDR-jokes racist?

WARNING: NERD ALERT!

Why do nerds mess up Halloween and Christmas? Because OCT 31 == DEC 25.

Two lines meet each other on the way to infinity, celebrate their meeting and when they are about to leave on their endless way, one say: "But next time, you pay the beer!"

The functions are having a big party, they all have much fun only e^x is standing at the wall and watching them. sin(x) says: "Why are you just standing here? you should try to integrate yourself!"
e^x replies: "I tried, it did not work."

Unix is the Operating System of the future - since more than 30 years.

Nerd is the word

Man walks into a pub, sits a the bar and takes out a picture. He looks at it and orders a beer. He drinks it fairly quickly, then looks at the picture. He orders another beer, a stronger one. He downs this in one and looks at the picture. He then orders a screwdriver, downs it and looks at the picture again. He goes on in this fashion for quite a while eventually he's having double vodkas. The barman asks to see the picture, the guy hands it to him and says "That's my wife. When she gets sexy again I'm going back home"

Two lines meet each other on the way to infinity, celebrate their meeting and when they are about to leave on their endless way, one say: "But next time, you pay the beer!"
Or... are GDR-jokes racist?

I don't get this one.

a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel shoved down his pants, and orders a beer, the bartender says "what's with the steering wheel?" and the pirate says "ARG! IT'S DRIVING ME NUTS!"
I love that joke.
heck no!
Why? You used to have one in your sig.
I don't get this one.

Me either.

I don't get this one.

Two lines can only meet once at most.

Two lines can only meet once at most.

That makes no sense at all.

That makes no sence at all.
Yes, it does. A line is straight and there fore cannot bend (duh) they are going out into infinity, one corsses the other, they cant bend back or curve back and meet again, they keep going.

Because two straigt lines can only meet once

Ah, that does.

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

"Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

"Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"

http://forum.gamestar.de/gspinboard/images/smilies/atomrofl.gif
zomg Tink

Two lines can only meet once at most.

I get it now, but its not as funny as the others.

I get it now, but its not as funny as the others.

That's because it's a neeeerdyyyyy joke.

I get it now, but its not as funny as the others.


Of course, it isn't. It's geek humour. ;)

Why? You used to have one in your sig.



yeah, for a week, if people weren't smart enough to find it then.....well, they have to figure out how to find one now.

Of course, it isn't. It's geek humour. ;)

Geek humour is good when you get it. Then you can feel smart.



Also, you need to be on gabbly, Dina is invisible and scaring me.

yeah, for a week, if people weren't smart enough to find it then.....well, they have to figure out how to find one now.

Yay! I are teh smart.

Also, you need to be on gabbly, Dina is invisible and scaring me.

Dina scares me even when she's visible. :p

Yay! I are teh smart.

haha.

so......you saw my pic?

yeah, for a week, if people weren't smart enough to find it then.....well, they have to figure out how to find one now.
*Okie searches for pics

Dina scares me even when she's visible. :p
Lol, true.
haha.

so......you saw my pic?

Yup :)
I'd hit it
:eek: ;)

I'd hit it
:eek: ;)

You'd hit anything with a hole and a pulse.





Wait a minute...strike the bit about the pulse. :p

You'd hit anything with a hole and a pulse.





Wait a minute...strike the bit about the pulse. :p

:(

:(

No slight to you meant, my dear Smunk. Just taking a jab at the If-guy. :)

Hell, I never saw your pic, but I'm sure you're a hottie.

No slight to you meant, my dear Smunk. Just taking a jab at the If-guy. :)

Hell, I never saw your pic, but I'm sure you're a hottie.

forgiven ;) (http://i31.photobucket.com/albums/c389/Smunkee/be28.jpg)

That's because it's a neeeerdyyyyy joke.

Not as funny as the other nerdy jokes.

Of course, it isn't. It's geek humour. ;)

But...but...I'm a geek!

I got the Oct. 31 = Dec. 25

I got the e^x joke

I edit articles on wikipedia!

I have more friends online than in real life!

I also drink diet coke and read Gary Bretcher's "War Nerd" column

I am a geek and proud of it!

Don't make me defend my geekiness!

But...but...I'm a geek!

I got the Oct. 31 = Dec. 25

I got the e^x joke

I edit articles on wikipedia!

I have more friends online than in real life!

Don't make me defend my geekiness!


No need. You've just confirmed it. :p

A young teenage girl was about to finish her first year of college. She considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat but her father was a rather staunch Republican. One day she was challenging her father on his beliefs and his opposition to taxes and welfare programs. He stopped her and asked her how she was doing in school. She answered that she had a 4.0 GPA but it was really tough. She had to study all the time, and she never had time to go out and party. She didn't have time for a boyfriend and didn't really have many college friends because of spending all her time studying. He asked, "How is your friend Mary?" She replied that Mary was barely getting by. She had a 2.0 GPA and never studied. She was very popular on campus and went to parties all the time. She often didn't show up for classes because she was hung over. Dad then asked his daughter why she didn't go to the Dean's office and have 1.0 taken off her 4.0 and give it to her friend with the 2.0. That way they would both have a 3.0GPA. The daughter angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I worked really hard for mine and Mary has done nothing." The father slowly smiled and said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

:D


Hehe... I actually tried that at one time, to give a friend at school a better grade. Stupid teacher wouldn't do it, though...

You'd hit anything with a hole and a pulse.





Wait a minute...strike the bit about the pulse. :p

>.>
<.<
Maybe........
Joking Smunk

WARNING: NERD ALERT!

Why do nerds mess up Halloween and Christmas? Because OCT 31 == DEC 25.

Two lines meet each other on the way to infinity, celebrate their meeting and when they are about to leave on their endless way, one say: "But next time, you pay the beer!"

The functions are having a big party, they all have much fun only e^x is standing at the wall and watching them. sin(x) says: "Why are you just standing here? you should try to integrate yourself!"
e^x replies: "I tried, it did not work."

Unix is the Operating System of the future - since more than 30 years.



NERDALERT ENDS HERE!

The Berlin wall was just teared down and an GDR-German for the first time in his life enters west-Berlin sees a westerner. He is happy and shouts: "We are one people!" The westerner laconically: "we too!"


Or... are GDR-jokes racist?

I don't get the first one. (Or the second one but I assume it has something to do with Unix?)

I don't get the first one. (Or the second one but I assume it has something to do with Unix?)

25 in base 10 = 31 in base 8

The integral of e^x = e^x + c(e^x can't integrate itself....)

25 in base 10 = 31 in base 8

The integral of e^x = e^x + c(e^x can't integrate itself....)

:fluffle:
:eek:
oh.......sorry, it's one of those things.....


*married a guy who went to physics camp.......for fun*

I don't get the first one. (Or the second one but I assume it has something to do with Unix?)
The octal number 31 is the decimal number 25.

and in euklid's geometry, lines only meet once.


The university has announced that the faculty with the lowest costs would receive an extra day off. Everyone in the maths department thinks they will easily win this for only needing pencils, paper and trashcans. They are totally shocked upon realizing they were not selected. One professor goes to the person responsible for the costing and asks how that is possible. "How can we not be the most cost-efficient department when only needing pencils, paper and trashcans?" - "Well, the philosophical department has less costs: they don't even need trashcans!"


Why can bees never become catholic?
Because they are in sects.

Ok so you got a Polak, a black guy and an Irish guy all standing in line to get into heaven, but cannot get in because of their sins. They are told that they will brought back to life so long as they don't commit the sin that won't let them into heaven.

So the three men are walking down the street and they pass a pub, and the Irish guy soon after disappeared.

So now its just the black guy and the Polak walking down the street, and they see a joint on the ground.

The black guy unable to resist his sin bends over and the Polak disappears.

And this time, a NON-RACIST one.

How many Jews can you fit in a Volkswagon?

Four.

So, Abraham gets a new computer and the darn thing keeps locking up, it's slow, it won't run all the applications he wants, and it locks up......a lot (did I already mention that?) anyway, he goes to his son who is quite the computer whiz and says "Isaac, my computer just won't do what I want it to" and Isaac says "dad, just wait it out, keep doing what you are doing and God will provide you with the ram you need"


LOL :p

hey.... it said "a joke thread" not "a good joke thread"

Out in a grassy feild, a Polack is sitting in a rowboat calmly casting his fishing line out, reeling it in, and casting out again. another Polack comes across the scene and from the sidewalk, starts screaming at the person in the boat.

"You idiot, you stupid f**ker... that's why we get jokes made about us all the time, morons like you do nothing but bring down our image! I swear, If I could swim, I would be out there right now kicking your ass!"


The Leader of Poland, tired about all the jokes made about his people, decided to build a magnificent structure to end all the jokes circulating around the world. Calling forth his best thinkers, he gave this task to them.

5 years later, the council stood before the Leader to say what they have done.

"we built the greatest, most magificent bridge ever!" the council reported. "it's the world's largest and strongest bridge."

"wonderful... but where is this bridge?"

"Spaning the Sahara Desert!"

The Polish Leader was furious, "WHY did you build a bridge spanning nothing but dry land?"

the council looked at each other and sighed. They couldn't come up with a reason...

Furious, the Polish Leader immediatly ordered the bridges destruction. "Maybe, if we destroy it now, no one would care."

the orders were made and the military rolled out. a couple of days later, the Leader gets a call from his General.

"We can't blow the bridge up Sir."

"Why not?" the Polish leader asked.

"right now, there's about a hundred thousand Japanese fishing off of it."

Two mathematicians are in a bar and discuss about how much knowledge the average person has about maths. While one of them goes to the restroom, the mathematician tells the blonde, beautiful waitress in miniskirt and high-heel-shoes to answer to the next question with "one third x cubed". She repeats it as she leaves. When the other mathematician arrives, the first one offers a bet: he will ask the waitress the integral of x^2. The second one thinks the waitress will never know it and agrees. He calls her and asks about the integral of x^2 and she says as agreed-on: one third x cubed. The mathematician compliments on her understanding of maths and agrees that he lost. As the waitress leaves, she turns around and says: "plus c"

How do you call a Jew flying a plane?
Pilot, you racist!

Dina scares me even when she's visible. :p

She?

a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel shoved down his pants, and orders a beer, the bartender says "what's with the steering wheel?" and the pirate says "ARG! IT'S DRIVING ME NUTS!"

:D That was hilarious!

Okay... Here is a joke...

Three men are waiting at the gates to heaven. St. Peter says that Heaven is getting pretty full, and they can only let one person in, so he decides that it would be the person who died the worst death. The first guy says "I had suspected my wife was cheating on me, so I came home early from work. I couldn't find anyone with her, but was still suspicious, so I went out on my balcony to check, and I found the guy hanging from it. I was so angry, I went and got a hammer and pounded on his fingers until he fell. However, he still wasn't dead, so in a burst of adrenaline, I picked up my refrigerator and threw it on him, and he died. Then I killed myself out of sadness."
St. Peter said "Wow, thats pretty bad." Then addressing the second guy, he says "How about you"
The second guy says "Well I was doing stretches on my balcony, and I fell off! Luckily, I caught onto the balcony under mine. I was able to hold on, and was regaining my strength, when a crazy man came out and started hitting my hands with a hammer! I fell off, and was lucky enough to fall on some bushes and still be alive. But then the crazy man came out and threw a refrigerator on me, and I died."
St. Peter said, "Wow, thats also really bad. How about yours?"
The third guy just said "Picture this. I'm lying naked in a refrigerator..."

I got the e^x joke

You shouldn't get that one. e^x integrates just well :P (That aside, this was a funny one)

What kind of car does Dracula drive?

A Honda.

Three construction workers are sitting on top of a tall building they're working on, having their lunch. The first one says "I'm so sick of corned beef. If I get corned beef again today, I'm jumping off this building." He looks inside his lunchbox; corned beef. So he jumps.

The second one says "I'm so sick of ham and cheese. If I get ham and cheese again today, I'm jumping off this building." He looks inside his lunchbox; ham and cheese. So he jumps.

The third one says "I'm so sick of tacos. If I get a taco again today, I'm jumping off this building." He looks inside his lunchbox; taco. So he jumps.

Then at the funeral, the three widows are talking. The first says "He never told me he was sick of his lunch. If I'd known, I would have made something different. The second says "I know, my husband never told me anything." The third says "Well, don't look at me; my husband made his own lunch."

A woman walks up to an old man sitting in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long, happy life?" "I smoke three packs a day, drink a case of beer, eat fatty foods, and never, ever exercise," he replied. "Wow, that's amazing," she said, "How old are you?" "Twenty-six."

---

REMEMBER TO ALWAYS PRACTICE SAFE FAX!

Q. Do I have to be married to have safe fax?
A. Although married people fax often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.

Q. How do I go about faxing a complete stranger?
A. Just ask them if they want to fax. If they do, they will give you their phone number.

Q. My parents say they never had fax when they were young, and were only allowed to write memo's to each other until they were 21. How old do you think someone should be before they can fax?
A. Faxing can be performed at any age once you learn the correct procedure.

Q. If I fax something to myself will I go blind?
A. Certainly not. As far as we can see.

Q. There is a place on our street where you can go and pay to fax. Is this legal?
A. Yes, many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a "professional" when their needs become too great.

Q. Should a cover always be used for faxing?
A. Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover should always be used.

Q. What happens if I do the procedure incorrectly and fax prematurely?
A. Don't panic. Many people fax prematurely when they haven't faxed in a long time. Just start over, most people won't mind if you try again.

Q. I have a personal and a business fax. Can transmissions become mixed up?
A. Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but so long as you use a cover with each one you won't transmit anything you're not supposed to.

Q. Is getting faxed by one person the same as with another?
A. No. Even though many people (especially lawyers) would like you to believe that the longer they are faxing you the better you will like it. In reality the best fax is short, of high quality, and very graphic.

Q. There is a man I'd very much like to fax (I've tried several times) but he can't seem to keep his equipment up long enough. Is there any thing I can do to help him?
A. You could suggest that he contact a good fax therapist, such as Canon or Mitsubishi. If he refuses to take the suggestion, it would be best if you just wrote him off.

John Howard and Peter Costello (replace this with George Bush and Dick Cheney if you're from the US) decide to get in touch with the voters in the country. SO they dress in their best country geat, just like the farmers and then walk into a country bar. They walk up to the bar next to a dog and order some drinks.

Another man walks into the bar, his eyes go wide, and he rushes into the next room. 5 minutes later yet another man comes out of the room the first man went into. He walks over to the dog, lifts its tail, has a look and shakes his head.

John Howard and Peter Costello cant work out whats going on.

Another 5 minutes later, 2 new men walk from the other room. One of them lifts up the dogs tail, they both have a look, they look at each other and shrug, then go back to the other room.

John and Peter stay at the pub another hour and people keep coming to check under the dogs tail and they walk away muttering or shaking their heads.

So, finally, one guy comes out and he looks under the dogs tail and John howard puts a hand on his shoulder and says "Hey mate. Whats so confusing? and why do people keep lifting up this dogs tail and looking underneath?"

They guy turns to them and says...














"Theres this bloke in the other room who came in and told us there was a dog out here with two arseholes"

An IRA man shows up at the pearly gates and St. Peter comes out to greet him. St. Peter takes one look and says "I don't think you can get in here.The IRA man says"Who wants in? You've twenty minutes to get the *#!@ out!
That makes no sense...
Unless it was the 'Real IRA', those bastards!:mad:

A man went to his doctor and asked him how to prolong the lovemaking experience. The doctor told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer, extending the pleasure for them and their partner.

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he came up with a plan.

On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.

Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to tug one out. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.

As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick kick at the bottom of his foot. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there, because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago."

I didn't get it....:confused:

Two guys sit next to each other on a plane. They turn to face each other and notice they both have black eyes. The first guy says "I hope you don't mind me asking but how did you get your black eye?"

"Well", says the second guy, "it was a slip of the tongue really. When I bought my ticket the girl behind the counter was very well endowed, if you know what I mean, and instead of asking for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh', I asked for 'two pickets to Tittsburgh', and she punched me!"

They both laughed, and the second guy says "So how did you get yours?"

"Kind of a similiar slip of the tongue thing" he says, "When I came down to breakfast this morning I meant to ask my wife for a cup of coffee, and instead I said 'you've ruined my life you evil witch'".

I didn't get it....:confused:

DM's one?

picture this...
a man was masturbating under his truck... his eyes were closed and he's furiously pumping away, secure in the knowledge that he's being hidden by his huge truck over him.

now a cop comes by, and asks him what he's doing. remember, the man's eyes are closed. So he replies that he's checking his axel... thinking that the truck is still covering what he's doing. but the officer tells him that the truck rolled away, leaving him masturbating in the middle of the street.

That makes no sense...
Unless it was the 'Real IRA', those bastards!:mad:
He meant IRS:p
That was clarified on an earlier post i beleive

What do you call a Donkey with one eye? A winkey.

What do you call a Donkey with one eye and three legs? A winkey Wonkey!

He meant IRS:p
That was clarified on an earlier post i beleive

No, he meant IRA.

1. He had only one major publication.

2. It was in Hebrew.

3. It had no references.

4. It wasn't published in a referred journal.

5. Some even doubt he wrote it himself.

6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?

7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.

8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.

9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.

10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.

11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.

12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the Book.

13. Some say he had his son teach the class.

14. He expelled his first two students for learning.

15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests.

16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.

There were these three farmers that wanted to win the state fair contest for having the largest hog. They decide that they should stick a cork in the pigs butt and feed him for a month before the fair. The only problem was that none of them wanted to be the one to stick the cork in. So they bought a monkey and trained him to stick corks in bottles. After a week or two of this, they stick the monkey in the pen with the pig and a cork, and after a minute, the monkey did what he was supposed to do.

The farmers fed the pig for a month and sure enough, they won first prize. Once they got home, they realized they still had to take the cork out. So they trained this same monkey to take corks out of bottles. They stuck the monkey in the pen with the pig, and the farmers woke up three days later in the hospital with a reporter sitting next to them. The reporter asked the first farmer, "What is the last thing you remember?"

"Shit flying everywhere," the farmer replied. The reporter asked the second farmer the same question and got the same response. When she got to the third farmer and asked him what he could remember, he started crying. The reporter asked, "What's the matter?"

The farmer replied, "The last thing I remember is the look on the poor monkey's face as he tried to stick the cork back in."

He meant IRS:p
That was clarified on an earlier post i beleive
Thanks...
No, he meant IRA.
Jesus went native, the IRA would have no reason to bomb Heaven...

LOL @ DH.:D

A man walks into a garden store.
"What do you call this plant?" he asks.
The owner replies "We call it Howard."
"Howard? Why do you call a plant Howard?"
"Because it's a little Bush."
----------
MI6, Mossad, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. They receive a test. A rabbit is released into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

MI6 goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that the rabbit does not exist.

Mossad goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The CIA goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
------------
Once Stalin received a delegation of workers from the Urals. When the workers left, Stalin looked around for his pipe but did not see it. He called the Chairman of the KGB Lavrentiy Beria and said, "Lavrentiy Pavlovich, my pipe disappeared after the visit of those workers."
"Yes, Yosif Vissarionovich, I'll immediately take proper measures."
Ten minutes later, Stalin pulled out a drawer in his desk and saw his pipe. He struck a match, puffed out a ring of smoke, and dialed Beria's number.
"Lavrentiy Pavlovich, my pipe's been found."
"What a pity," Beria said. "Half the delegation confessed, and the other half died under questioning"

A man walks into a garden store.
"What do you call this plant?" he asks.
The owner replies "We call it Howard."
"Howard? Why do you call a plant Howard?"
"Because it's a little Bush."

*snip*


I like. :D

Oh yeah, 1 more (+1):
A man walks into a bar and asks for an innuendo.
The bartender gives it to him.

*childish snigger*

A blond calls up he boyfriend and says "I just bought a jigsaw puzzle. Want to come over and help me put it together?" "Sure" he replies. What puzzle picture did you choose?" He asks. "It's a cool looking tiger" she answers. "Okay.Be there in a few." He says.

When he arives, he lets himself in and says: "I'm hear honey. Where are you?" "In the kitchen, making some tea." She answers then continues: "The puzzle pieces are spilled out on the dining room table. Are you good with jigsaw puzzles?" As he walks over to the dining room table, he replies: "I'm very good at jigsaw puzzles. But..." "Oh cool! This is my first one" She says." "But.." He continues. There is no way we are going to make this particular one look like a tiger."

As she enters the dining room with a pot of tea, she asks: "Why not hon?"

"Well...err...umm" He mumbles. "What's wrong with the puzzle baby?" She asks.

"I'll tell you in a minute dear" He answers. Taking hold of her hand, he continues: "But first let's sit down. Have a cup of tea and...................Sigh.................
.....put the frosted flakes back in the box."