NationStates Jolt Archive

None. Because of the light bulb's internal contradictions, revolution will begin.

Can't say, everyone's either been shot, purged, starved, put in the gulag or fled as a refugee.

Can't say, everyone's either been shot, purged, starved, put in the gulag or fled as a refugee.

Or have been made to "disappear" by Pinochet, Franco, the Contras, or COINTELPRO. Mustn't forget that part.

Q. How many Socialist Workers Party members does it take to change a lightbulb.
A. Four. One to change the bulb, one to write about it for "the paper", one to sell you "the paper" and another to follow you home and ask why you weren't at the bulb changing, if you plan to make the next one and if you were still as committed.

Q. How many revisionist historians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. In actual fact, against popular consensus, the lightbulb was never actually changed.

Q: How many Palistinians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 2. One to negotiate with the old bulb and one to shoot at it at the same time.

Q: How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to establish the state production quota, two hundred militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an '800' number to order an American light bulb.

Q: How many Shiites does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to hijack a light bulb, one to commandeer a jet to Beirut airport, one to hold press conferences, and one to negotiate with Israel and the US for the release of fluorescent bulbs held hostage around the world!!

Q: How many members of Hezbollah does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 45 - One to drive the car, four to shoot the president of Sylvania's bodyguards, three to kidnap the president of Sylvania, five to think up the ransom demands, ten to paste up the ransom note, eight to cut little eye-holes in the cloth sacks, one to drive a truck with 2000 kilos of dynamite into the American embassy, one to claim responsibility for the bombing, and twelve to commandeer a building with working lights.

Q: How many politically correct people does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. "Why should we impose our values on the lightbulb ? If it wishes to be a lightbulb of no light, we should respect its uniqueness and individuality."

Q: How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Six-one to change the lightbulb, one to condemn "lightbulbarchy" for creating a society in which lightbulbs oppress sockets, one to secretly wish she were the socket, one to secretly wish she were the lightbulb, one to shriek, “I can do that without a man’s help!” and one to scream, “THAT’S NOT FUNNY!”

Q: How many gay rights activists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None: The bulb shouldn't have to change for society to accept it.

Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb in San Francisco?
A: Both of them.

Q. How many Socialist Workers Party members does it take to change a lightbulb.
A. Four. One to change the bulb, one to write about it for "the paper", one to sell you "the paper" and another to follow you home and ask why you weren't at the bulb changing, if you plan to make the next one and if you were still as committed.

It's only a dollar... worth it just to stop them from bothering you.

I gave them my email once; they never sent me anything, probably because they couldn't read it. So there are ways out.

Arguing with them does help pass the time at the protests where the speakers are boring.

None. Because of the light bulb's internal contradictions, revolution will begin.

Lightbulbs are a vice of the industrialist bourgoisie used to justify the oppression of the proletariat in their sweatshops.

Lightbulbs are a vice of the industrialist bourgoisie used to justify the oppression of the proletariat in their sweatshops.

We could always go anarcho-primitivist and smash the light bulbs as a simple of technological oppression. And then smash the candles and the oil lamps...

We could always go anarcho-primitivist and smash the light bulbs as a simple of technological oppression. And then smash the candles and the oil lamps...

Would that the anarcho whaaaboohooists all begin by smashing their own heads.

Would that the anarcho whaaaboohooists all begin by smashing their own heads.

Dedends on how many people talk about the Anarchist Cookbook in conversations with them.

We could always go anarcho-primitivist and smash the light bulbs as a simple of technological oppression. And then smash the candles and the oil lamps...
Damn straight, all the Proletariat shall need is the warm, nurturing and equally administered light of the sun, anything more is simply bourgoisie-decadence designed to create a class difference between those that have light with which to see their porno when they want to crank one off at 4 AM, and those that have to masturbate in the dark.

Would that the anarcho whaaaboohooists all begin by smashing their own heads.

We'd much rather smash lightbulbs, thanks.

We'd much rather smash lightbulbs, thanks.

Way to show that tool of the oppressor who's boss! ;)

How many Marxists does it take to change a light bulb?

It only takes One Marxist to change a light bulb. But it takes 20 minutes to walk to the store, 3 hours to wait in line, and twenty minutes to walk back before he gets to change it. Then of course, the new light doesn't work either. :p

How many Anarchasists does it take to change a lightulb?
None, because the government uses lightbulbs. Also, it's enough to start a riot over.

How many pairs of Iraeli-Palestine negotiators does it take to change a lightbulb?
2. One to talk about how to change the lightbulb, another to caught up in semantics about whetever the lightbulb should be put in as part of the Gaza Strip or not.

How many soviets to change a lightbulb?
None. Our glorious soviet lightbulbs are eternal, comrade! Maybe you'd like a 10-year-long visit to the "Lavrentyj Berja" Lightbulb Plant in Eastern Siberia...

How many fascists to change a lightbulb?
100001. 1 to smash it with a manganello, 100000 to invade Albania and seize the albanian lightbulb factories.

How many americans to change a lightbulb?
10 americans and 40 illegal mexican immigrants. 5 americans to shoot at the lightbulb with automatic weapons, 5 americans to raze down the house with a tank, 40 illegal immigrants to rebuild the house with the new lightbulb.

:)

It only takes One Marxist to change a light bulb. But it takes 20 minutes to walk to the store, 3 hours to wait in line, and twenty minutes to walk back before he gets to change it. Then of course, the new light doesn't work either. :p

Here's an old joke about soviet bureaucracy.

Comrade Popov worked 10 years, so now he is allowed to buy the new Zhiguli commuter car. He goes at the Party office, waits in line, then, when the Party officer call him, he says:
-Good morning comrade, I am allowed to buy a Zhiguli. Here's the money, my Party membership card and my driving license.
-Da, comrade. The order has been placed. Come back here in 5 years to receive your new car.
Comrade Popov checks on the agenda, then asks:
-Wait, comrade. 5 years from now, morning or afternoon?
-Doesn't matter, comrade: 5 years, who cares about morning or afternoon?
-Well, in the morning I'll have to stay home: the plumber is coming to fix my WC that very day.

;)

We'd much rather smash lightbulbs, thanks.

:D

The way I heard it was:

How many bourgeoisies does it take to change a proletariat light bulb?
None, it contains the seeds of its own revolution. :)

Damn straight, all the Proletariat shall need is the warm, nurturing and equally administered light of the sun, anything more is simply bourgoisie-decadence designed to create a class difference between those that have light with which to see their porno when they want to crank one off at 4 AM, and those that have to masturbate in the dark.

Lollercaust? :D

How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?
451: 1 to hold the lightbulb and 450 to turn the house.

Lollercaust? :D

http://www.encyclopediadramatica.com/images/9/96/Lollercaust.gif



Uberlulz.

http://www.encyclopediadramatica.com/images/9/96/Lollercaust.gif



Uberlulz.

You win the thread.

http://www.encyclopediadramatica.com/images/9/96/Lollercaust.gif



Uberlulz.

That is amazing. Funniest thing in a thread of funny things. :D

How many Trotskyists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Nine. One to screw the lightbulb in, three to declare him a neo-Leninist splitter, two to leave the party and found their own, and three more to expel the others for revisionism.

How many Anarchists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Five. One to break the bulb in the socket, one to burn their fingers trying to get the base of the bulb out, one to find a pair of pliers, one to take the remains of the bulb out and one to put the new bulb in.

That last one's a true story... :p

Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb in San Francisco?
A: Both of them.

This is the only one I liked, but it made me spit out my orange juice. Good show.

THAT'S MY JOKE!!! I MADE UP THAT JOKE TWO YEARS AGO!!! Only with a better punchline, "none, the lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution" - which scans a lot better and is an actual Marx quote.

SEE!!! (http://i22.photobucket.com/albums/b324/ninebucks/lightbulb.jpg)

Or have been made to "disappear" by Pinochet, Franco, the Contras, or COINTELPRO. Mustn't forget that part.

Hm, Pinochet and Franco, I believe we can all agree were pretty nasty, but didn't tally nearly the lethality of Lenin, Stalin, Mao, Pol Pot and the North Vietnamese after their victory in the South.

Meanwhile, COINTELPRO was designed to figure out what potentially radical or dangerous groups were doing. It ranged from the Communist Party to the Ku Klux Klan. I dislike the concept, but it was executed without political bias.

How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?
451: 1 to hold the lightbulb and 450 to turn the house.

Hey, I only need 237 last time!

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored powertools.

How many Lunatic Goofballs does it take to change a light bulb?

Three; one to make a pointless remark that is in no way related to the light bulb, one to make a similar remark and another to bounce around crazily, thus, accomplishing nothing, no matter how amusing.

How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?
451: 1 to hold the lightbulb and 450 to turn the house.

LOL, I always told this one: How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but a shit ton of light bulbs.

How many Hegelians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Answer: None. Since "burned out" is just the antithesis of "lit", it will eventually synthesize into a dim glow.

Q. How many puritans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Change?! CHANGE?!

Here's one only Canadians will get.


How many Torontonians does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. He holds the lightbulb still and the world revolves around him.

Q: How many Russian buisnessmen does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Just one, friend? Looks to me like every bulb in the building is burned out, you need at least 100 lightbulbs! No, 1,000!

Q: How many Greeks does it take to chage a lightbulb?

A: What lightbulb? I see no lightbulb. ARE YOU ACCUSING ME OF SOMETHING?

Q: How many ancient Egyptians does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: 120,000. 119,999 to worship it as a god and 1 to replace it every 356.72 days.

Q: How many Aztecs does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: 10,000. 9,000 to act as sacrifices to ensure the new bulb will light, 989 to make obsidian knives, 10 to sacrifice people and one to screw in the bulb.

Q: How many NS Generalites does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Depends on the lightbulbs politicial affiliation, religious stance, sexuality and whether or not its a good debater. Oh, and whether or not its from Sweden.

Q: How many Swedes does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: 99 to distract the Norwegian, 1 to change the bulb.

Q: How many KGB agents does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Comrade Lightbulb never changed, hes always been like that. Ask him yourself if you dont beleive us.

How many Generalites does it take to change a lightbulb?
A lot. 10 to debate whether the bulb should be changed because of its religion, 15 to debate whether the bulb deserves a change because of its political affiliation, 2 to post spam threads to "take a breather" from the issue of lightbulb-changing, 10 people to hijack those threads, 3 trolls, 5 noobs to direct gun smilies toward the bulb, 30 people to flame the noobs and trolls, 17 people to reminisce about lightbulb-changing expericences, 8 Mods to lock all the threads and tell everyone to STFU about the @#$ing lightbulb already, LG to make humorous remarks about the lightbulb, 6 spammers, and one person to tell everyone that he's going to change the lightbulb but in reality never gets around to it.

How many US government officicals does it take to change a lightbulb?
Oh dear God! :headbang:

How many US government officicals does it take to change a lightbulb?
Oh dear God! :headbang:

Not to mention that the lightbulb ends up costing about $340 :p

Did anyone do "In Americam you change lightbulb. In Soviet Russia, lightbulb changes you!"?

Did anyone do "In Americam you change lightbulb. In Soviet Russia, lightbulb changes you!"?

That tops them all. :p

Here's one only Canadians will get.


How many Torontonians does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. He holds the lightbulb still and the world revolves around him.

AHAHAHAHA! That's right! The world revolves around us! We pwn!

How many Quebec Separatist does it take to change a lightbulb?

51% of the voting population because the lightbulb won't separate from the socket unless there is a referendum.

AHAHAHAHA! That's right! The world revolves around us! We pwn!

Damn Canadians with your sorcery and trees...

Damn Canadians with your sorcery and trees...

Trees, it's the trees. They're the ones who really control Canada - kind of like LotR... Ever wonder why the House of Commons seems to get nothing done? They're like the Ents!

I heard it as

how many marxists does it take to change a lightbulb-

none, the inherent contradictions within the lightbulb will force itself to change.



Oh, and a slight variation on the old lightbulb joke.

how long does it take two mice to screw in a lightbulb?
About 15 minutes, the hard parts getting them in the lightbulb.

How many drunks does it take to change a lightbulb?

20. One to hold the bulb, 19 to drink until the room spins round.

And you know what this reminded me of? Capitalism for dummies. There are many forms of capitalism. Observe.
***

Traditional Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
***
American Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
***
French Capitalism: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
***
Japanese Capitalism: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
****
German Capitalism: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
***
Italian Capitalism: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
***
British Capitalism: You have two cows. Both are mad.
***
Russian Capitalism: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
***
Arkansas Capitalism: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute...
***
Hindu Capitalism: You have two cows. You worship them.
***
Swiss Capitalism: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
***
Canadian Capitalism: You have two cows. Let's make a hockey team, eh?
***
Chinese Capitalism: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
***
Irish Capitalism: You have two cows. You feed them potatoes and wonder why they emigrate.
***
Israeli Capitalism: So, there are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?
***
Enron Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull
***
Cuban Capitalism: You have two cows. They try to swim to Florida.
***
Politically Correct Capitalism: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo centric, war mongering, intolerant past) two differently - aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.
***
Disney Capitalism: You have two cows. They dance & sing.
***
Microsoft Capitalism: You have two cows. You patent them and sue anyone else who has them.
***
Hollywood Capitalism: You have two cows. You give them udder implants and also teach them to bullet-dodge, wall climb and shoot milk out of their utters on command.
***
Clinton Capitalism: You have two cows. You deny any knowledge of them.
***
Bureaucratic Capitalism: You have two cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.
***
Gore Capitalism: You have two cows. You claim you invented them.
***
Real-World Capitalism: You have two cows. You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.
***
Australian Capitalism: You have two cows. You try to wrestle them.
***
Iraqi Capitalism: You have two cows. They are biochemical weapons.
***
Perestroika Capitalism: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.
***
Jewish Capitalism: You have two cows. You set them on fire and they burn for 8 days.
***
Cambodian Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
***
Mormon Capitalism: You have two cows. You tell everyone that they should as well.
***
Military Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
***
Texan Capitalism: You have two cows. You teach them to fire guns.
Totalitarian Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
***
Nevadan Capitalism: You have two cows. You charge lonely men from Arkansas to spend the night with them.
***
Jehovah's Witness Capitalism: You have two cows. You go door to door telling people that you do.
***
Bureaucrat Capitalism: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
***
Real Capitalism: You don't have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.
***
Environmental Capitalism: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking them.
***
Surreal Capitalism: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
***
Californian Capitalism: You have two cows. They are happy.
***
Bush Capitalism: You have two cows. You think that cows and humans can coexist peacefully. You give all of the milk to the upper class when they have cows of their own, and the lower class needs milk.
***
Martha Stewart Capitalism: You have two cows. After decorating them, you sell them because a farmer told you the price of milk might go down.
***
Ayn Rand Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell both so that you can invest in a new dairy company. After it does well, you sell you stock and buy a cow farm. After that does well, you take out a loan using cows as capitol and build a milk manufacturing factory. After making your milk the most sold, you sell the company and retire to Hawaii with your millions of dollars.

There, I think that I've offended everybody, yes?

http://www.capecodcommonsense.com/modules.php?op=modload&name=News&file=article&sid=31

Heh.

Liberalism: Let's spread this shit around

Conservatism: Keep you're hands off my shit

Soviet-collectivism: This shit belongs to the government

Communism: This shit belongs to the people

Capitalism: Let's sell this shit

Fascism: Eat Shit and Die!

Totalitarianism: You'll Shit When I Tell You To Shit!

Corporatism: If you merge your shit with our shit, then we'll be big shits

Awww, nobody liked mine? :(

I liked it. Don't go shoot yourself... yet. ;)

in soviet Russia, lightbulb changes you! :)


(already been done?...probably)

Liberalism: Let's spread this shit around

Conservatism: Keep you're hands off my shit

Soviet-collectivism: This shit belongs to the government

Communism: This shit belongs to the people

Capitalism: Let's sell this shit

Fascism: Eat Shit and Die!

Totalitarianism: You'll Shit When I Tell You To Shit!

Corporatism: If you merge your shit with our shit, then we'll be big shits

http://coda.co.za/words/64

TAOISM - Shit happens

HARE KRISHNA - Shit happens rama rama ding ding

HINDUISM - This shit happened before

ISLAM - If shit happens, it is the will of Allah

ZEN - What is the sound of shit happening?

BUDDHISM - When shit happens, is it really shit?

CONFUCIANISM - Confucius say, "Shit happens"

7th DAY ADVENTISM - Shit happens on Saturdays

PROTESTANTISM - Shit won't happen if I work hard

CATHOLICISM - If shit happens, I deserve it

JEHOVAH'S WITNESS - Knock, knock. "Shit happens".

UNITARIANISM - What is this shit?

MORMONISM - Shit happens again & again & again.

JUDAISM - Why does this shit always happen to me?

RASTAFARIANISM - Let's smoke this shit!

In addition:

http://www.orlyowl.com/oshit.jpg