NationStates Jolt Archive


Bush urges drilling in ANWR...

PsychoticDan
13-10-2006, 19:02
Don't know what to make of this...

WASHINGTON, DC—Following a recent ruling by a U.S. District Court that blocked the sale of 1.7 million acres of federally protected caribou, President Bush urged Congress Tuesday to pass an appropriations bill that would enable expanded drilling of the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge's animals.

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Bush-Increases-R.article.jpg
President Bush says the U.S. must shed its dependence on drilling foreign wildlife.


"There are over 100 billion tons of untapped, domestic wildlife lying beneath, on, and above the surface of Alaska's North Slope region," said Bush during a White House press conference. "We have an obligation not only to our society, but to future generations, to begin drilling these polar bears, grizzlies, harbor porpoises, Roosevelt elks, sea otters, muskrats, and snowshoe hares immediately."

According to Secretary Of The Interior Dirk Kempthorne, who recently toured the Lake Teshekpuk area with a team of bio-mineralogists, one in four animals drilled in early tests have shown positive yield.

"We can achieve our goal without disturbing the delicate balance of the ecosystem," said Kempthorne, looking on as rig operators took exploratory core samples of 20 bearded seals in order to gauge the mammals' interior density. "But if the government opens up the nearly 200 species of birds, fish, and marine and land mammals to public drilling, the U.S. would be capable of churning out over 9.3 billion barrels of wildlife each year—more than three times the amount we currently drill."

Wildlife prospectors in other parts of Alaska applaud Bush's position, saying that, if funding is increased, drillers will be able to tap larger, higher-yield animals such as grizzly bears and musk oxen.

"The technology is there, but there's little economic incentive to drill anything larger than timber wolves," said Cal Fowler, an independent prospector and former wildcat driller. "With more federal money we can invest in necessary hardware, such as more durable annular diamond-impregnated drill bits, which can bore two-inch diameter holes deep through a solid bull-walrus midsection in seconds."

Drill foremen have already begun digging shallow exploratory holes through the surface flesh of over 5 million animals to provide workspace for the drillers and their equipment. Once this step is complete, an electrical generator powered by a large diesel engine will plunge rotating carbide-steel-tipped drill bits through the animal, boring through the skin, bone, or blubber at speeds of up to 6,500 rpm. The drillers will then guide the direction of the borehole using top-drive rotary steerable wellbores, which allow them to drill through targeted areas in the wildlife with incredible precision.

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Bush-Increases-Jump-R.article.jpg
Workers near Alaska's Lake Teshekpuk take a core sample from a grizzly bear cub.


Walking through a field of steadily pumping Canada lynx, Fowler defended wildlife drilling as "one of the most environmentally responsible methods of drilling," saying that it is a renewable resource, and the ecologically sensitive wildlife refuge is almost completely unaffected since pre-existing environmental laws ensure that the drilling of individual animals will not damage the environment.

Energy giant ExxonMobil has already begun to widen its wildlife-drilling efforts in response to the Bush Administration's stance.

"We have set up an offshore production platform capable of efficiently extracting over 15,000 Arctic grayling fish from the Beaufort Sea each day, and then drilling them," ExxonMobil Chief Engineer For Wildlife Drilling Operations Frank Salinas said. "And advances in horizontal directional drilling may soon allow us to simultaneously drill through two arctic foxes three miles apart."

"It's an exciting time to be in the wildlife-drilling field," Salinas added.

Bush's call for more wildlife drilling has come under fire by alternate wildlife-use advocates, who call his policy shortsighted.

"The administration should be encouraging research into viable new technologies," said Sylvia Hermann, chairman of Advocates For Cleaner-Burning Fauna. "The energy produced by solar generators could be used to incinerate vast herds of moose, even in the coldest winter months. Wind-produced electricity could electrocute Beluga whales in their own habitats, with no need for offshore drilling, and hydroelectric dams could be used to drown grizzly bears. Perhaps one day geothermic heat could be harnessed to broil entire wildlife-rich regions alive."

Continued Hermann, "It's vital that we preserve the arctic wildlife so that our children, and our children's children, will still have animals to drill when they grow up."

The Bush administration is also proposing the creation of a Strategic Wildlife Preserve, a series of 15-million-cubic-meter above-ground tanks that would store an emergency supply of over 700 million tightly packed animals.
Laerod
13-10-2006, 19:04
Don't know what to make of this...I don't either, I don't either...
German Nightmare
13-10-2006, 19:10
:eek: Just look at the look on the bear's face... That is sooo wrong. :(
Evil Woody Thoughts
13-10-2006, 19:11
Source?

(gotta be The Onion...:D )
PsychoticDan
13-10-2006, 19:18
Source?

(gotta be The Onion...:D )

Why question the source? It's very well known that Bush has been in favor fo the drilling of wildlife for years. He's also widely known to be in favor of stomping on puppies, putting kittens in a pillow case and then swinging them really hard against a brick wall and he's in favor of throwing live bunnies in a BBQ. These are all well established Republican positions.
Compulsive Depression
13-10-2006, 19:32
Why question the source? It's very well known that Bush has been in favor fo the drilling of wildlife for years. He's also widely known to be in favor of stomping on puppies, putting kittens in a pillow case and then swinging them really hard against a brick wall and he's in favor of throwing live bunnies in a BBQ. These are all well established Republican positions.

I thought Missionary was the only allowed Republican position?
PsychoticDan
13-10-2006, 19:37
I thought Missionary was the only allowed Republican position?

Only with your wife. If your with a congressional page you can do the Dirty Sanchez, the Chilli Dog, the Hot Lunch as well as all the positions mentioned above.
Taredas
13-10-2006, 19:38
Source?

(gotta be The Onion...:D )

Given the tone and the topic... my thoughts exactly.

(That said, it's quite good for an Onion article... though Intelligent Falling beats it hands-down.)
Lunatic Goofballs
13-10-2006, 19:43
Only with your wife. If your with a congressional page you can do the Dirty Sanchez, the Chilli Dog, the Hot Lunch as well as all the positions mentioned above.

Badum Psh! :D
Sumamba Buwhan
13-10-2006, 19:43
Only with your wife. If your with a congressional page you can do the Dirty Sanchez, the Chilli Dog, the Hot Lunch as well as all the positions mentioned above.


Hey, we might be into swinging but aint no Republican gunna touch my wife. We do have standards!
Nodinia
13-10-2006, 19:46
Don't know what to make of this...

Thats the thing - when they say "drill the wildlife" or "Bomb the bastards for baby Jesus" you just don't know if they're serious or not.....I thought this was all over with my teenage years and ronnie raygun, but no - its like a flashback from hell....
CthulhuFhtagn
13-10-2006, 19:48
Yep, it's The Onion. Just checked their site.
Wanamingo Junior
13-10-2006, 19:52
Yeah, because taking drills to wild animals and bombing in the name of the Lord are two things mainstream Republicans are constantly pushing for.
PsychoticDan
13-10-2006, 19:52
Yep, it's The Onion. Just checked their site.

How are we going to have an intelligent debate if all you guys do is bunk the source? I admit The Onion is not the best source, but teh position of the article is hardly controversial. As I stated above, drilling wildlife is a well known Republican position and Bush actually argued for the drilling of wildlife and your wife during the campaign.
PsychoticDan
13-10-2006, 19:53
Yeah, because taking drills to wild animals and bombing in the name of the Lord are two things mainstream Republicans are constantly pushing for.

I know! What is it with these other posters? They act like this is a surprise or controversial. :confused:
Wanamingo Junior
13-10-2006, 19:57
I know! What is it with these other posters? They act like this is a surprise or controversial. :confused:

I'm conservative leaning, so I think I should state that I don't support drilling wildlife, because we can get the same effect by nuking the whales.

Because, hey, you gotta nuke something. In the name of baby Jesus, of course.
PsychoticDan
13-10-2006, 20:00
I'm conservative leaning, so I think I should state that I don't support drilling wildlife, because we can get the same effect by nuking the whales.

Because, hey, you gotta nuke something. In the name of baby Jesus, of course.

I thought the Republican line on that was to nuke the gay whales? :confused:
Wanamingo Junior
13-10-2006, 20:02
I thought the Republican line on that was to nuke the gay whales? :confused:

Since it's well known that straight, God-fearing whales are immune to nuclear blasts, it doesn't hurt to fire salvos of ICBMs at every group of whales NORAD picks up.
CthulhuFhtagn
13-10-2006, 20:03
How are we going to have an intelligent debate if all you guys do is bunk the source? I admit The Onion is not the best source, but teh position of the article is hardly controversial. As I stated above, drilling wildlife is a well known Republican position and Bush actually argued for the drilling of wildlife and your wife during the campaign.

You dare insinuate that think that The Onion is a less than prestigious source? They, good sir, are a bastion of journalistic integrity, just as T. Herman Zweibel founded them as.
Wilgrove
13-10-2006, 20:03
LOL! I love The Onion. Great funny stuff.
Sel Appa
13-10-2006, 20:19
I smell Onion[s].
PsychoticDan
13-10-2006, 20:22
You dare insinuate that think that The Onion is a less than prestigious source? They, good sir, are a bastion of journalistic integrity, just as T. Herman Zweibel founded them as.

Whatever. You're the one who keeps dodging a debate on the merits of drilling domestic wildlife by diverting attention to the source.
Vetalia
13-10-2006, 20:31
I guess it adds a whole new meaning to "biomass energy"...
Vetalia
13-10-2006, 20:33
You dare insinuate that think that The Onion is a less than prestigious source? They, good sir, are a bastion of journalistic integrity, just as T. Herman Zweibel founded them as.

If only it were T. Herman Zwiebel...
PsychoticDan
13-10-2006, 20:41
I guess it adds a whole new meaning to "biomass energy"...

I'm waiting for you to tell me, "we can get 30% of our wildlife from coal and if we cut our transportation needs by just 10% we'd save several thousand barrels of wildlife per year."
Vetalia
13-10-2006, 20:49
I'm waiting for you to tell me, "we can get 30% of our wildlife from coal and if we cut our transportation needs by just 10% we'd save several thousand barrels of wildlife per year."

Well, if we take in to account the fact that 72% of our oil demand comes from transportation, and assume that our current vehicles can use the fuel we can possibly replace 10-15% of that demand by aggressively pursuing "second generation biomass" technologies...
CthulhuFhtagn
13-10-2006, 21:04
If only it were T. Herman Zwiebel...

Well, it ain't.


(Seriously, it's not. Check the site.)
Enodscopia
13-10-2006, 21:06
I have supported drilling in ANWR for many years but our leadership is much to timid to take hold of this great resource like so many others.
PsychoticDan
13-10-2006, 21:06
Well, if we take in to account the fact that 72% of our oil demand comes from transportation, and assume that our current vehicles can use the fuel we can possibly replace 10-15% of that demand by aggressively pursuing "second generation biomass" technologies...

but why waste the energy truning all those mooses into fuel when we could just ride the mooses? I like the word mooses better than moose.
PsychoticDan
13-10-2006, 21:08
I have supported drilling in ANWR for many years but our leadership is much to timid to take hold of this great resource like so many others.

It's true. For example there are all kinds of cats all over the place and our government refuses to burn them for electricty. What a waste of cats. :(
Vetalia
13-10-2006, 21:10
but why waste the energy truning all those mooses into fuel when we could just ride the mooses? I like the word mooses better than moose.

Because we'd have to start measuring everything in "moosepower"...
PsychoticDan
13-10-2006, 21:12
Because we'd have to start measuring everything in "moosepower"...

Yeah, but that would be easy. If you're riding a moose you are rding one moose power. If you are in a buggy being pulled by two mooses you are in a two moose power buggy.