NationStates Jolt Archive

Inspired by the messages I saw scrolling by at Schiphol airport: weird things that I've seen or heard recently:

From Schiphol:
"Always trust visions that don't involve buckets of blood."
"You spread light everywhere when you beat someone with a flashlight."

From Relatives:

Cousin: "Paris Hilton is evil! When I googled dog s--- for my dog s--- project, the first result was about her and her evil dog!"

And of course, more to follow... feel free to post your own.

I "Paris Hilton is evil!

old news everybody knows that.

"There is no such thing as innocence, only degrees of guilt." Don't remember where that one's from...

After the building of a lego pyramid my nephew wiped his brow and said "phew, now I know how the jews felt"

After the building of a lego pyramid my pyramid my nephew wiped his brow and said "phew, now I know how the jews felt"

ROFLMAO!!

"A hippie is someone who looks like Tarzan, walks like Jane and smells like Cheetah." - Ronald Reagan

"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on." - Dean Martin

"Woman are meant to be loved, not to be understood". --Oscar Wilde

Today a very fetching young woman got on the bus and sat opposite me. She was wearing a t-shirt that had a Superman logo on the front.
When she got up I got the chance to see what it said on the back.
Above a cartoon picture of Supes was the sentence (direct quote here, letter for letter):

"If superhan is a ******..."





I gotta get me one of those shirts.

"I will Attempt to live forever or die trying"I`m hungry." - Caesar Chavez after a hunger strike

"You can play as all 5 of the major powers, and France."
-G4TV`s X-Play host Adam S.

"Bonjourrrrr! You cheese eatin` surrender monkeys!"
-Grounds Keeper Willy, on the French

"What does this button do...."

"Some people are like slinkies. They really dont have a purpose, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs."


"everyone is entitled to an opinion, now shut up."

I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
-Albert Einstein

"A man will fight long and hard for a bit of colored ribbon."
-Napoleon Bonaparte

"Where did all those Indians come from" -Custer

"Only two things are infinite, The universe and human stupidity- and i am not so sure about the former"-Albert Einstein


"We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother" - Henry V

"If we do not succeed we run the risk of failure." -J. Danforth Quayle

"You can learn a lot about a person if you take the time to inject them with Sodium Penothal."-Anonymous

Kill one man and your a murder
Kill a million and you are a conquerer

Build a man a fire and he`ll be warm for a night.
Set a man on fire and he`ll be warm for the REST OF HIS LIFE

'Your kids have touched me! And I'm pretty sure I've touched them!'
Jack Black, School of Rock

Hey, I did another thread like this on a different site.

Today a very fetching young woman got on the bus and sat opposite me. She was wearing a t-shirt that had a Superman logo on the front.
When she got up I got the chance to see what it said on the back.
Above a cartoon picture of Supes was the sentence (direct quote here, letter for letter):

"If superhan is a ******..."





I gotta get me one of those shirts.I don't get it?

Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous!

I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid.

"When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro."

"When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro."

me like

I got tea, but I'm not a teacher.

"Death is certain, Live with it"

"Trees cause more pollution than automobiles do." -- Ronald Reagan

"Where would this country be without this great land of ours?" -- Ronald Reagan

"That's why we have leaders. So we don't have to think." -- Homer J. Simpson

"I don't make up jokes- I just watch the government and report the facts."--Will Rogers

"What do you get when you play country musuc backwards? You get your girl back, your dog back, your pickup back and you stop drinking."-- Louis Saaberdra


"Give me chastity and self restraint, but do not give it yet."-- Saint Augustine

Judge: Are you trying to show contempt for this court?
Mae West: I was doing my best to hide it.

Theology is a misuse of imagination -Thomas Ligotti Ok, not weird, but a good one from my favorite author.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me? -Steven Wright

Predestination was doomed from the start. -I don't know

"You've done a nice job decorating the White House." ~ Jessica Simpson, to Secretary of the Interior Gale Norton, on a tour of the White House.

"[myname] if you fall asleep during interviewing the band, i will come over and kill you"-producer.

"hey jean, i'm behind you".-me shouting at a girl, i forgot she was deaf.

"this would have benn a good place for ann frank to hide".-forgetting these people were dutch.

"lets start a barbeque."-forgetting i was at a petrol station.

A learned blockhead is a greater blockhead than an ignorant one.
Benjamin Franklin

how old are you?
its not funny.
i bet you were one of those losers in scholl that wrote"such-and- are gay", and drew peni everywhere.

"The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing."

"The world is more like it is now then it ever has before."

"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight."

"Only two things in life are certain, death, and taxes"-Benjamin Franklin

"You've done a nice job decorating the White House." ~ Jessica Simpson, to Secretary of the Interior Gale Norton, on a tour of the White House.
Please tell me you made that up. Please?

Please tell me you made that up. Please?

She thought that tuna was actually some kind of sea chicken. I'm not going to put this past her...

I
Cousin: "Paris Hilton is evil! When I googled dog s--- for my dog s--- project, the first result was about her and her evil dog!"



manificent.

as heard by sr in a dublin pub.

"mate, i can have any woman in this bar"

"really? you rich? fameous? big scooby?"

"no.... im a rapist"

Here are some more quotes:

(While me and my cousin are wrestling, and I've got him pinned down on the floor)
Sibling (in sickly-sweet voice normally used only when discussing puppies and babies): Oooooh... Kodiak moment...

In German Department Store:

(male) cousin: I'm sick of seeing naked women everywhere! Why can't they advertise anything without a picture of a naked woman?!?
(rather little) Sibling: Oh! That's a great ad to encourage tourists to visit Germany - 'yes, come here, and you'll see so many naked women that you'll say -'"
Me/My Mom/My Aunt: Sibling Name, that's quite enough of that...

Well?

"Drink whenever possible (e. g. in between breaths) while watching dubs. It dulls the pain."-golden rule of watching anime

"I am a fig plucker, the fig plucker's son. I pluck figs until the plucked figs come."

Assorted quotes from Rick Emerson, or should I say Nick Memerson:
“A cesarean is like getting a TV dinner out of the freezer, but instead of opening the door you tunnel in from the neighbor’s house and come in from the back”

“Pat Buchanan is not the Green Fairy”

“One or more of your internal organs contain errors. Please run scandisk”

“Who steals Tiki penises?”

"That's what it's like in a democratic country, my friend. We have the freedom not to have any of those things." –Tim Riley (on healthcare)

My uncle used to write punes for British TV. One of these he wrote the other he later told me he stole from another:

"Look over there. What's that man doing sitting between those two lions and reading that book?

Why I do believe he's reading between the LINES"

AND

"When I was young we had a teacher who was a turtle. But we used to call her Tortoise.

Why did you call her Tortoise if she was a turtle?

We called her Tortoise because she TAUGHT-US"

.........I didn't say they were any good........

Barbara Bush, on a tour of hurricane relief centers in Houston, referring to the poor who had lost everything back home and evacuated: "This is working very well for them."

Marie Antoinette didn't live in vain.

(very racist) Aunt (while watching TV): Stupid little monkies...
Sibling (from other room): Aunt >her name<, stop being racist!
Aunt: What? I'm watching a nature program!