NationStates Jolt Archive

Well, I feel really bad for forcing another "love" problem on you guys, since you already have about three going right now. But yeah.

Here's the problem. There's this girl that I am emotionally attracted to at school. As I am asexual, I pretty much feel no physical attraction to her, even though she can be considered "attractive". She is also emotionally attracted to me, and maybe even physically, although I doubt that latter. Either way, she's a close friend. As far as I can tell, she wants to take our relationship to the next level. What she doesn't understand is that I literally cannot feel any physical attraction to her, even though she wants me to be her boyfriend, which includes physical expressions of love including kissing and that sort of thing. She seems to have taken that as an insult, and as far as I can tell now she thinks I think she's ugly. So can anyone give any advice as to how in the name of the gods am I supposed to allow this relationship to go to the next level if I simply am not willing to do what all forms of that relationship are supposed to have, and what she wants it to have, which is physical expression of love?

I don't have an answer for you, but I do have a question. This asexual thing, do you folks ever get erections?

You could just lie back and think of England? Give and take, and all that. She probably only wants a kiss and a cuddle anyway.

She's goona want sex, dude. If you're not going to give it to her, she'll find someone who will.

Naliitr, I find you the most annoying person on this forum.

</brutal honesty>

try it its good to have someone leeching all your cash in return for cuddles and kisses

Cuddles FTW! :)

edit: last thing I remember you were tying to get laid WTF!

From what I know (please note, I am not very experienced), a major part of romance is physical contact...I'm not fully certain how this could work out. But I'm sure that if you two care about eachother enough that you'll figure something out.

Well, extended times without the physical relationship are possible, but I don't know about how long. I would say that if you truly love her you will give her the physical aspect that she needs. Just like I would provide my girlfriend emotional things that I don't need.

She's goona want sex, dude. If you're not going to give it to her, she'll find someone who will.

half true she will want sex but that’s nothing a showerhead / Naliitr with a strap on can’t handle

I don't have an answer for you, but I do have a question. This asexual thing, do you folks ever get erections?

Night erections yes, but that's just part of being a man. It's impossible to stop that.

can you explain the asexual thing to her?

speaking of, have you seen a doctor about that?

also, aren't you like 13 or something, why are you worried about having a "physical" relationship anyway, can't you just get your parents to drive you to the movie or something?

try it its good to have someone leeching all your cash in return for cuddles and kisses

Cuddles FTW! :)

edit: last thing I remember you were tying to get laid WTF!

It was about, what? Give or take four months since then? Many things can change in four months.

Naliitr, I find you the most annoying person on this forum.

</brutal honesty>

Why?

Night erections yes, but that's just part of being a man. It's impossible to stop that.

what do you beat it too?

You could just lie back and think of England? Give and take, and all that. She probably only wants a kiss and a cuddle anyway.

Yes, but the point of the "kiss and a cuddle" is that it's a physical expression of love. I simply cannot express my love in that way. And I would just feel wrong if I faked it.

what do you beat it too?

Nothing, as I have no sexual attraction to anything nor (as far as I can tell) I have no sex drive.

So...taking your relationship to "the next level" would entail what? Friendship and companionship...like you have now? So isn't that sort of...pointless?

How about telling her "You are attractive, but I am asexual, and so have no sexual attraction to you" and see where it goes from there.

It was about, what? Give or take four months since then? Many things can change in four months.

not in my world they don't can you honestly say if some hawt woman came knocking in the middle of the night soaking wet and asked to be dried you wouldn’t be hard enough to beat up the cat?!

Well, extended times without the physical relationship are possible, but I don't know about how long. I would say that if you truly love her you will give her the physical aspect that she needs. Just like I would provide my girlfriend emotional things that I don't need.

Just like I said in my other post, I would feel wrong if I was faking my enjoyment of the physical expressioning (Yes I know that is not a word either) of love.

you should NEVER force yourself to give more than you are ready to give. if you arent romantically attracted to her, all you can do is tell her so and let her find a boy who IS interested in her.

you dont have to be brutal. you can tell her that you dont feel you are ready for romantic relationships yet. you arent.

she is going to have to learn someday that she cant have every boy she is interested in. this is as good a time as any to get started on that.

It's possible to have a healthy relationship without having sex, but I can't imagine a healthy relationship without some amount of physically expressed affection (hugging, kissing, caressing, etc.)

can you explain the asexual thing to her?

speaking of, have you seen a doctor about that?

also, aren't you like 13 or something, why are you worried about having a "physical" relationship anyway, can't you just get your parents to drive you to the movie or something?

I tried to, but she just can't understand the whole concept of it.

Nothing, as I have no sexual attraction to anything nor (as far as I can tell) I have no sex drive.

and this lack of interest just developed suddenly over the last 4 months?

I think you have a medical issue, you need to go to the doctor.

So...taking your relationship to "the next level" would entail what? Friendship and companionship...like you have now? So isn't that sort of...pointless?

How about telling her "You are attractive, but I am asexual, and so have no sexual attraction to you" and see where it goes from there.

That's essentially what I told her. And essentially, yes. All it would be is spending more time together, I guess.

I tried to, but she just can't understand the whole concept of it.

to be frank, neither do I.

Maybe tell her that you just really want to be best friends.

You are cool with that right?

I simply cannot express my love in that way. And I would just feel wrong if I faked it.

you mean you don't kiss your mum goodnight!

you should NEVER force yourself to give more than you are ready to give. if you arent romantically attracted to her, all you can do is tell her so and let her find a boy who IS interested in her.

you dont have to be brutal. you can tell her that you dont feel you are ready for romantic relationships yet. you arent.

she is going to have to learn someday that she cant have every boy she is interested in. this is as good a time as any to get started on that.

No no no! I AM romantically attracted to her. I am just simply not sexually attracted to her.

and this lack of interest just developed suddenly over the last 4 months?

I think you have a medical issue, you need to go to the doctor.

No, actually it was an ephiphany I had last month. I sat in my bed talking to myself (THAT I need to go see a doctor about) when a question popped into my head. "What is the point of sex?" Reproduction, obviously. But then what about casual sex? The pleasure, and physical expression of love... Which is really pointless, and I just don't think sex is a great way to physically express love. And the whole sex thing is kind of morally degrading... So really, why have sex? In fact, why masturbate?

That's just the abriged version.

Night erections yes, but that's just part of being a man. It's impossible to stop that.

Get some viagra and just do it.

No no no! I AM romantically attracted to her. I am just simply not sexually attracted to her.

Dude, you're like what? 13? Why are you bothered about sexual attraction, you're still a kid!

And I'd be careful about labelling yourself, hormones and stuff send you crazy. If 4 months ago you were a horny teenager, now you're asexual...you could be anything in another 4 months.

to be frank, neither do I.

Maybe tell her that you just really want to be best friends.

You are cool with that right?

Yeah, but she's not. That's the point here. I want to try to not crush her. It's not me that matters right now, it's her.

Get some viagra and just do it.

But isn't sex supposed to be a physical expression of love? What's the point of it if I simply cannot express my love that way?

No no no! I AM romantically attracted to her. I am just simply not sexually attracted to her.

so why does it bother you so much just think she will love it especially since you won’t be bothered about pleasuring yourself….

if sex makes you cringe get drunk works for fat chicks:p

edit: and have you ever actually had sex? Perhaps she will change your mind ;)

Dude, you're like what? 13? Why are you bothered about sexual attraction, you're still a kid!

And I'd be careful about labelling yourself, hormones and stuff send you crazy. If 4 months ago you were a horny teenager, now you're asexual...you could be anything in another 4 months.

I'll be fourteen in seven days. And believe me, ALL adolscents, well most, are concerned about sex. You'd be suprised.

so why does it bother you so much just think she will love it especially since you won’t be bothered about pleasuring yourself….

if sex makes you cringe get drunk works for fat chicks:p

edit: and have you ever actually had sex? Perhaps she will change your mind ;)

It's the fact that

A) Sex is morally degrading

B) I truly don't think physical expressioning of love is the best way to express love, so why even do it if it is A)?

I've only found out what asexual meant recently, here on NS. But it looks like all the cool kids are asexual...

I'll be fourteen in seven days. And believe me, ALL adolscents, well most, are concerned about sex. You'd be suprised.
I would? See, I thought I'd been there and done that but I must be confusing me with someone else.

I didn't mean sex isn't on peoples minds, I meant it shouldn't be something worth stressing over at your age.

I would? See, I thought I'd been there and done that but I must be confusing me with someone else.

I didn't mean sex isn't on peoples minds, I meant it shouldn't be something worth stressing over at your age.

It's not me that's stressing over it, it's her. She wants there to be physical love (not to the point of sex) in our relationship, but I simply cannot or at least am not willing to express love through physical contact.

It's the fact that

A) Sex is morally degrading

B) I truly don't think physical expressioning of love is the best way to express love, so why even do it if it is A)?

because its what she wants it hardly involves shoe shopping for 6 hours and to be honest unless you are completely unable to bring yourself to do it you don’t have an excuse (in both cases:( )

On that note how do you express love?

half true she will want sex but that’s nothing a showerhead / Naliitr with a strap on can’t handle

nah. If she's "in love" she's going to want to actually have sexual intercourse. Not just sex, but groping, passionate sex. When a woman feels very strongly for a man she wants to feel like that man aches for her. She wants to know that he thinks about sex with her and it drives him crazy. It may disgust her to think that other men think abouther that way, but she wants the man she's in love with to.

It's not me that's stressing over it, it's her. She wants there to be physical love (not to the point of sex) in our relationship, but I simply cannot or at least am not willing to express love through physical contact.

she’s what 13 and she wants sex :confused: (has that much changed in 3 years!)

Though yeah most girls lose there virginity at 14 hardly something that there desperate for at that age though

I was just going to cruise this thread to see what people said, but...
No, actually it was an ephiphany I had last month. I sat in my bed talking to myself (THAT I need to go see a doctor about) when a question popped into my head. "What is the point of sex?" Reproduction, obviously. But then what about casual sex? The pleasure, and physical expression of love... Which is really pointless, and I just don't think sex is a great way to physically express love. And the whole sex thing is kind of morally degrading... So really, why have sex? In fact, why masturbate?

That's just the abriged version.

Waitwaitwait wait.....wait...

You talked yourself into being asexual?

Yeah...kiss her. Seriously. Once you get some hot chick on the end of your lips your body will talk you right back out of that.

Otherwise, you're going to have to let her go because you got some issues to work out and it's not right at this stage in her life to ask her to sit around and wait for you to sort shit out.

You're, what, 14? No one says you got to get to fuckin'. But seriously, only the Amish are going to hold a little kissing and hand holding against you. Best advice I can think of? Lighten up. You're an uptight little dude.

It's the fact that

A) Sex is morally degradingGod damn. Who fucked up your head? Sex is not in any way degrading. People can make it degrading, but sex between two adults that feel strongly for each other is awesome.

B) I truly don't think physical expressioning of love is the best way to express love, so why even do it if it is A)?

Whether it's the best way or not, it is a way. In anycase, it's not a way for a man to express love to a woman, but it is one of the cheif ways that a woman expresses it to a man.

she’s what 13 and she wants sex :confused: (has that much changed in 3 years!)

Though yeah most girls lose there virginity at 14 hardly something that there desperate for at that age though

Woah, she's 13? Drop it. Just be friends. Sorry, wasn't clear on the ages involved. She doesn't need to get seriously involved with someone at that age who will put all kinds of wierd thoughts in her head about there being something wrong with sex. She has the chance to grow up and have a healthy attitude about it. Let her have that chance.

I was just going to cruise this thread to see what people said, but...


Waitwaitwait wait.....wait...

You talked yourself into being asexual?

Yeah...kiss her. Seriously. Once you get some hot chick on the end of your lips your body will talk you right back out of that.

Otherwise, you're going to have to let her go because you got some freaky deaky issues to work out and it's not right at this stage in her life to ask her to sit around and wait for you to sort shit out.

You're, what, 14? No one says you got to get to fuckin'. But seriously, only the Amish are going to hold a little kissing and hand holding against you. Best advice I can think of? Lighten the fuck up. You're an uptight little fucker.

Yep. Let her grow up with all that great curiosity and exploration in a safe and healthy way. She needs someone with a healthy, but inexperienced attitude about sex to talk with and learn about it.

On that note how do you express love?

By holding a stereo over his head in her front lawn?

because its what she wants it hardly involves shoe shopping for 6 hours and to be honest unless you are completely unable to bring yourself to do it you don’t have an excuse (in both cases:( )

On that note how do you express love?

Just through talk, discussion, conversation. And not saying "I love you" every other sentence. I mean actually talking about something that both have a mutual interest in. I find it a good way. But then again, I'm me.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Naliitr View Post
It's the fact that

A) Sex is morally degrading
God damn. Who fucked up your head? Sex is not in any way degrading. People can make it degrading, but sex between two adults that feel strongly for each other is awesome.

Quote:
B) I truly don't think physical expressioning of love is the best way to express love, so why even do it if it is A)?

Whether it's the best way or not, it is a way. In anycase, it's not a way for a man to express love to a woman, but it is one of the cheif ways that a woman expresses it to a man.

So now I'm supposed to allow her to express her love to me in a way that I don't exactly enjoy?

Are you on any kind of medication?

It's not me that's stressing over it, it's her. She wants there to be physical love (not to the point of sex) in our relationship, but I simply cannot or at least am not willing to express love through physical contact.
Then tell her that and give her a dictionary open at "asexual". Although tbh, your reasons for being "asexual"...where the hell did you get the idea that sex is "morally degrading"?!

She can't have everything she wants and she has to learn that. If she wants physical love and you don't, then surely she's better off with someone who can give her that.

Woah, she's 13? Drop it. Just be friends. Sorry, wasn't clear on the ages involved. She doesn't need to get seriously involved with someone at that age who will put all kinds of wierd thoughts in her head about there being something wrong with sex. She has the chance to grow up and have a healthy attitude about it. Let her have that chance.

Firstly, she'll be fourteen two days.

Secondly, why are you now acting like I wanted to fuck her, and that I shouldn't because it wouldn't be healthy for her?

No, actually it was an ephiphany I had last month. I sat in my bed talking to myself (THAT I need to go see a doctor about) when a question popped into my head. "What is the point of sex?" Reproduction, obviously. But then what about casual sex? The pleasure, and physical expression of love... Which is really pointless, and I just don't think sex is a great way to physically express love. And the whole sex thing is kind of morally degrading... So really, why have sex? In fact, why masturbate?

That's just the abriged version.

So, you logic'd yourself out of sex?
I see how its possible to logic yourself out of the concious desire to have sex, but I don't think it's possible to logic yourself out of a sex drive.
Since you seem to have managed to do something that the human psyche just won't allow, you should still see a doctor.

P.S. Thinking about it some more, I think what you did was create a disgust for sex that was stronger then your sex drive. It's not usually a good idea to do that because when you do, you run into the kind of problems you created this thread to deal with.
I think I'll go with CToaN's solution to this. Ignore your brain and do it anyway.

Just through talk, discussion, conversation. And not saying "I love you" every other sentence. I mean actually talking about something that both have a mutual interest in. I find it a good way. But then again, I'm me.



So now I'm supposed to allow her to express her love to me in a way that I don't exactly enjoy?

no. You're supposed to not have a relationship with her so she can be with someone who has a healthier attitude towards all of this and, in the mean time, go see a counsoler to work out your issues with. She's young and is starting to discover the most natural feelings in the world and should be with someone who is in the same place emotionally.

Are you on any kind of medication?

No...

Then tell her that and give her a dictionary open at "asexual". Although tbh, your reasons for being "asexual"...where the hell did you get the idea that sex is "morally degrading"?!

She can't have everything she wants and she has to learn that. If she wants physical love and you don't, then surely she's better off with someone who can give her that.

She knows what it means. She just can't understand WHY I am. And it's not that it's "morally degrading", it's just that I can't really appreciate the point of it beyond reproduction. If people do it solely for joy, then there has to be some kind of immorality there.

Firstly, she'll be fourteen two days.

Secondly, why are you now acting like I wanted to fuck her, and that I shouldn't because it wouldn't be healthy for her?

If you're going to have an intimate relationship with her you're going to be intimate with her. That means talking about things, including sex. Let her find a boy that she can explore her new feelings with and her curiosity. Let her find someone who wants that, too. It's perfectly natural and a healthy part of growing up. If she does that, chances are she'll grow up with a healthy attitude towards sex and relationships and intimacy.

Before I respond to one more post, let me ask you all.

Why do you think that my asexuality is somehow "dangerous" and that I should see a counsoler to get rid of it?

Before I respond to one more post, let me ask you all.

Why do you think that my asexuality is somehow "dangerous" and that I should see a counsoler to get rid of it?

Because your reason for being asexual revolve around hating a part of yor body and your psyche that are perfectly normal and healthy.

By holding a stereo over his head in her front lawn?

http://www.angelfire.com/celeb/kattanfan/natr/Dzl5204.jpg

sorry I had to do that...

If you're going to have an intimate relationship with her you're going to be intimate with her. That means talking about things, including sex. Let her find a boy that she can explore her new feelings with and her curiosity. Let her find someone who wants that, too. It's perfectly natural and a healthy part of growing up. If she does that, chances are she'll grow up with a healthy attitude towards sex and relationships and intimacy.

I think what I am about to say might help a few things along. I absolutely do not care if she goes to other guys for the sole sake of having sex. As I have no care for sex, I really don't care if she does it with someone I don't know. If she needs to go to other guys for the sake of fufilling her primal needs, by all means I will let her.

Before I respond to one more post, let me ask you all.

Why do you think that my asexuality is somehow "dangerous" and that I should see a counsoler to get rid of it?

Because it's not actual asexuality, it's repression. And that's not good.

She knows what it means. She just can't understand WHY I am. And it's not that it's "morally degrading", it's just that I can't really appreciate the point of it beyond reproduction. If people do it solely for joy, then there has to be some kind of immorality there.
Sorry, I was quoting you on the "morally degrading" bit.

So do you not do anything for fun because they must be inherantly immoral?

In all honesty, this girls better off without you til you sort your head out. She's discovering her sexuality, and for her to be with someone who sees it as a bad immoral thing wouldn't be good for her.

She knows what it means. She just can't understand WHY I am. And it's not that it's "morally degrading", it's just that I can't really appreciate the point of it beyond reproduction. If people do it solely for joy, then there has to be some kind of immorality there.So then everything done for pleasure is immoral?

Because your reason for being asexual revolve around hating a part of yor body and your psyche that are perfectly normal and healthy.

I was hoping someone would have a better response than that... And I may hate my body, but that doesn't contribute to my asexuality. It's simply my un-understanding of the reasons for sex.

No...

Just a thought because, well, you know, some meds might kill your sex drive, I think, possibly, perhaps, maybe.

No offence, but I really don't believe all this asexual stuff. I think you just need a better self image, or something.

No...



She knows what it means. She just can't understand WHY I am. And it's not that it's "morally degrading", it's just that I can't really appreciate the point of it beyond reproduction. If people do it solely for joy, then there has to be some kind of immorality there.

No, there are two reasons for sex. One is reproduction. The other is to cement and enforce the emotional bonds between two people. It's not just some mechanical chore and it doesn't just feel good because you have an orgasm. Sex isn't just the in n' out. It's the touching and the kissing and the pilow talk afterwards and the waking up next to each other and the cuddling when you first wake up for a few minutes before you have to get out of bed and the having someone there to hold onto as you're drifting off to sleep.

Because it's not actual asexuality, it's repression. And that's not good.

So no one is truely asexual? And why would repression of a primal need which has driven so many evils of man be bad?

No, actually it was an ephiphany I had last month. I sat in my bed talking to myself (THAT I need to go see a doctor about) when a question popped into my head. "What is the point of sex?" Reproduction, obviously. But then what about casual sex? The pleasure, and physical expression of love... Which is really pointless, and I just don't think sex is a great way to physically express love. And the whole sex thing is kind of morally degrading... So really, why have sex? In fact, why masturbate?

Okay, seriously? Before I came on NS, I have never, ever, in all 33 years of my life, heard anyone say they were asexual. Never. Not anyone.

But on NS, you can hardly go ten threads without someone stating all matter of factly that they're asexual. And as if by magic every single one of them is a teenager. The fuck?

Now, since the word as such exists, I don't doubt that there actually, indeed, may be people who are "asexual". But seriously - the chances that all the guys saying so on here are? Nil.

Just because you're less interested in sex than (you think) your classmates are, or are just because you manage to have a half hour of coherent thought about "the role of sex in the world as we know it", or just because you don't go around hugging your family and telling them "I love you" like on fucking Seventh Heaven does NOT make you asexual. It makes you *gasp* normal.

And now cheer up and relax about the sex. You're not ready for sex now, so wait until you are. You're fucking 14, you have all the time in the world! Until then - have a girlfriend if you feel like you like her romantically, but tell her you're not ready for sex. Or even for a kiss. If she can deal, she can deal, if not, then not.

Naliitr, I find you the most annoying person on this forum.

</brutal honesty>
Well, he isn't that annoying, but he does make my list. <.<

Sorry, I was quoting you on the "morally degrading" bit.

So do you not do anything for fun because they must be inherantly immoral?

In all honesty, this girls better off without you til you sort your head out. She's discovering her sexuality, and for her to be with someone who sees it as a bad immoral thing wouldn't be good for her.

No, it's just that... Well... It's hard to explain. It's that most pleasure is gained without having to work for it. I think that's kind of immoral to have pleasure but not to have worked for it.

I think what I am about to say might help a few things along. I absolutely do not care if she goes to other guys for the sole sake of having sex.

BOLLOCKS!

I think what I am about to say might help a few things along. I absolutely do not care if she goes to other guys for the sole sake of having sex. As I have no care for sex, I really don't care if she does it with someone I don't know. If she needs to go to other guys for the sake of fufilling her primal needs, by all means I will let her.

The point to fulfilling those primal needs is to do it within the context of a mutually intimate relationship. especially at that age so you learn the difference.

I think what I am about to say might help a few things along. I absolutely do not care if she goes to other guys for the sole sake of having sex. As I have no care for sex, I really don't care if she does it with someone I don't know. If she needs to go to other guys for the sake of fufilling her primal needs, by all means I will let her.

Not even a little bit, you got to let her go let her go. Not just find someone to touch her on the side. You're going to do damage to her, seriously. Really-let her go. She needs to be able to find something healthy, and "all pleasure is immoral" is not, sorry. If it's your issue, whatever, but don't damage this poor girl in the process. I can't be more serious, if you really care about her let her go completely.

No, there are two reasons for sex. One is reproduction. The other is to cement and enforce the emotional bonds between two people. It's not just some mechanical chore and it doesn't just feel good because you have an orgasm. Sex isn't just the in n' out. It's the touching and the kissing and the pilow talk afterwards and the waking up next to each other and the cuddling when you first wake up for a few minutes before you have to get out of bed and the having someone there to hold onto as you're drifting off to sleep.

But... The point is that I truly don't think I could form an emotional bond through sex.

Okay, seriously? Before I came on NS, I have never, ever, in all 33 years of my life, heard anyone say they were asexual. Never. Not anyone.

But on NS, you can hardly go ten threads without someone stating all matter of factly that they're asexual. And as if by magic every single one of them is a teenager. The fuck?

Now, since the word as such exists, I don't doubt that there actually, indeed, may be people who are "asexual". But seriously - the chances that all the guys saying so on here are? Nil.

Just because you're less interested in sex than (you think) your classmates are, or are just because you manage to have a half hour of coherent thought about "the role of sex in the world as we know it", or just because you don't go around hugging your family and telling them "I love you" like on fucking Seventh Heaven does NOT make you asexual. It makes you *gasp* normal.

And now cheer up and relax about the sex. You're not ready for sex now, so wait until you are. You're fucking 14, you have all the time in the world! Until then - have a girlfriend if you feel like you like her romantically, but tell her you're not ready for sex. Or even for a kiss. If she can deal, she can deal, if not, then not.

Well good sir, you apparently have not been to my school. 95% of the people there are interested in sex. It's not a thing that doesn't interest teenagers. Hell, it may be the thing that's on our minds most of the time.

By holding a stereo over his head in her front lawn?
A John Cusack reference deserves at least one (1) :fluffle:.

:)

Just through talk, discussion, conversation. And not saying "I love you" every other sentence. I mean actually talking about something that both have a mutual interest in. I find it a good way. But then again, I'm me.

So you love all of us?

Not even a little bit, you got to let her go let her go. Not just find someone to touch her on the side. You're going to do damage to her, seriously. Really-let her go. She needs to be able to find something healthy, and "all pleasure is immoral" is not, sorry. If it's your issue, whatever, but don't damage this poor girl in the process. I can't be more serious, if you really care about her let her go completely.

But the point here is that if I let her go I know I will damage her, probably more than if I do what you just described.. I don't want to damage her at all.

Well good sir, you apparently have not been to my school. 95% of the people there are interested in sex. It's not a thing that doesn't interest teenagers. Hell, it may be the thing that's on our minds most of the time.

Yes it sure is. I remember. She needs to be with someone like that. A nice guy like that, but someone who is just finding these things out, too, and can do it withher.

So you love all of us?

Well, yes. Well, not ALL of you... *cough*RealAmerica*cough*

So no one is truely asexual? And why would repression of a primal need which has driven so many evils of man be bad?

No dude, there are people who for one reason or another do not produce enough hormones to create a sex drive and as such don't have one. Those people are asexual-if you develop an issue about your sex drive and talk yourself out of it, that's repression and it's damaging.

Well, I feel really bad for forcing another "love" problem on you guys, since you already have about three going right now. But yeah.

Here's the problem. There's this girl that I am emotionally attracted to at school. As I am asexual, I pretty much feel no physical attraction to her, even though she can be considered "attractive". She is also emotionally attracted to me, and maybe even physically, although I doubt that latter. Either way, she's a close friend. As far as I can tell, she wants to take our relationship to the next level. What she doesn't understand is that I literally cannot feel any physical attraction to her, even though she wants me to be her boyfriend, which includes physical expressions of love including kissing and that sort of thing. She seems to have taken that as an insult, and as far as I can tell now she thinks I think she's ugly. So can anyone give any advice as to how in the name of the gods am I supposed to allow this relationship to go to the next level if I simply am not willing to do what all forms of that relationship are supposed to have, and what she wants it to have, which is physical expression of love?

you sure you're asexual and not just prematurely resigning yourself to a life of abstinence because of crushing shyness or awkwardness? cuz i sometimes think i might be asexual but it's usually a subconcious excuse for why i never pull. you seem to have a great opportunity to progress in your love life and you're avoiding it. why? also, maybe you should check your food for bromide, maybe someone's messing with you

The point to fulfilling those primal needs is to do it within the context of a mutually intimate relationship. especially at that age so you learn the difference.

But what if mutually you do not have those primal needs? What then?

God damn. Who fucked up your head? Sex is not in any way degrading. People can make it degrading, but sex between two adults that feel strongly for each other is awesome.



Whether it's the best way or not, it is a way. In anycase, it's not a way for a man to express love to a woman, but it is one of the cheif ways that a woman expresses it to a man.

The OP would do well to listen to PsychoticDan. I agree pretty wholeheartedly with this post.

Sex can be made degrading, but it in and of itself is not degrading at all. Sex between two people who deeply love each other is a beautiful, wonderful thing. It brings a tear to my eye. Really.


Also, saying it is simply for reproduction is a bit of a simplistic view. We are not the only species that engages in sexual activity for pleasure and emotional bonding.


And furthermore, even if you don't want to have sex, what is wrong with hugs and such? Don't you hug your friends and family? That's completely non-sexual, isn't it?

I think you (OP) basically talked yourself into being afraid of sex, hating your desires out of a mistaken assumption that sex is wrong. It's not inherently wrong.

Love is not rational. It seems to me that you keep trying to think of it as such, but you need to dismiss that notion from your head. Love is not a rational thing, it's emotional and raw.


If you kissed her, I think you might discover that maybe you were wrong to dismiss the physical aspect of romantic love so soon.

I'm not saying that you should go to the other extreme and just immediately start having sex and stuff. I think 13 is a bit young for that. There's nothing wrong with cuddling though.

Don't be so uptight.

No dude, there are people who for one reason or another do not produce enough hormones to create a sex drive and as such don't have one. Those people are asexual-if you develop an issue about your sex drive and talk yourself out of it, that's repression and it's damaging.

How is repression of sexual urges damaging?

Yes it sure is. I remember. She needs to be with someone like that. A nice guy like that, but someone who is just finding these things out, too, and can do it withher.

Pssh. Nice guy? Never heard of a "nice guy". All men want now in days is sex. If I abandon her to the world, it'll make her feel like everything until it gets what it wants, then it'll throw her away like the trash.

No, it's just that... Well... It's hard to explain. It's that most pleasure is gained without having to work for it. I think that's kind of immoral to have pleasure but not to have worked for it.

you mean men in your land don't work for sex!? *moves* and sex can be hard work though it is enjoyable like washing the dishes (if you want to work hard for sex I suggest you read up on the karma sutra possibly become a threesome guy)

Well good sir, you apparently have not been to my school. 95% of the people there are interested in sex. It's not a thing that doesn't interest teenagers. Hell, it may be the thing that's on our minds most of the time.
Pst - WYTYG is a woman...

But the point here is that if I let her go I know I will damage her, probably more than if I do what you just described.. I don't want to damage her at all.

No dude-get over yourself on this one. If you let her go she'll be hurt, but in a way that she'll be dozens of times in her life, like pretty much all of us are in our lives and we learn to deal with-usually in high school relationships. If she hangs her star on you and your issues, lasting damage. No good.

But... The point is that I truly don't think I could form an emotional bond through sex.

well, unfortunatly for you the human brain is wired to do just that. sex doesn't just release bodily fluids. It releases all kinds of hormones and phermones and other chemicals that play an active role in cementing human bonds. When you have sex with another person there's this sense of being absolutely trusting because you've made yourself as vulnerable to another person as you possible can. It's not just something you learn. The fact that sex makes you fall more in love with a person is part of your neuro-chemical makeup. It's how you were built. In order for you to counteract that you have to actively try to change that about yourself and that's why it's unhealthy.

But... The point is that I truly don't think I could form an emotional bond through sex.
So...whats your actual problem then? Asexual=no desire for sex, and that doesn't seem to be what you're describing.

But the point here is that if I let her go I know I will damage her, probably more than if I do what you just described.. I don't want to damage her at all.
No. She'll get over it. Some kid that she had a crush on when she was 14 isn't going to make a dramatic impact on her life. Same kid convincing her that sex is immoral is going to damage her.

Naliitr, remember when you were all boohoo emo? Remember how you came to the conclusion that you weren't emo?

I think you just want something to be wrong with you, so you put it in your head that you are "asexual", which, by the way, doesn't make sense at all, because really, do you reproduce by yourself?

No offence, but I know a kid that's just like you, and he sounds 100% bullshit, and you're the same way.

The OP would do well to listen to PsychoticDan. I agree pretty wholeheartedly with this post.

Sex can be made degrading, but it in and of itself is not degrading at all. Sex between two people who deeply love each other is a beautiful, wonderful thing. It brings a tear to my eye. Really.


Also, saying it is simply for reproduction is a bit of a simplistic view. We are not the only species that engages in sexual activity for pleasure and emotional bonding.


And furthermore, even if you don't want to have sex, what is wrong with hugs and such? Don't you hug your friends and family? That's completely non-sexual, isn't it?

I think you (OP) basically talked yourself into being afraid of sex, hating your desires out of a mistaken assumption that sex is wrong. It's not inherently wrong.

Love is not rational. It seems to me that you keep trying to think of it as such, but you need to dismiss that notion from your head. Love is not a rational thing, it's emotional and raw.


If you kissed her, I think you might discover that maybe you were wrong to dismiss the physical aspect of romantic love so soon.

I'm not saying that you should go to the other extreme and just immediately start having sex and stuff. I think 13 is a bit young for that. There's nothing wrong with cuddling though.

Don't be so uptight.

But what is hugging if but a physical expression of love? If I did hug her, it would be like giving someone a counterfeit bill. They think it's real, but it's not.

And I never said that sex is wrong. It's required for reproduction. It's casual sex that confuses me.

And who says you can't make love rational?

Well good sir, you apparently have not been to my school. 95% of the people there are interested in sex. It's not a thing that doesn't interest teenagers. Hell, it may be the thing that's on our minds most of the time.
I know. But

1) saying they think about sex and actually thinking about sex are two different things. Like, not everyone who shoots off their mouth during break is actually more than talk.

2) of course most teenagers think about sex. Pesky hormones doing their work. But why does everybody who does *not* think about it automatically think they're "asexual"?? If you're 20 and still not thinking about sex, then you might want to get that checked out. I read upthread that a while ago you were asking for tips how to get laid. Seriously, I know how teenagers love to overthink things, it's not that long ago that I was one myself, but don't go attaching clinical symptoms to every phase you're going through. Just don't. It's neither smart nor productive.


Oh, and it's good madam. ;)

But what if mutually you do not have those primal needs? What then?

There's a difference between not having them and supressing them. If you don't have them see a neurologist. If you are supressing them see a counselor. In anycase, let her be with someone who has that perfectly natural, healthy attitude so she can develop into a healthy adult.

So...whats your actual problem then? Asexual=no desire for sex, and that doesn't seem to be what you're describing.


No. She'll get over it. Some kid that she had a crush on when she was 14 isn't going to make a dramatic impact on her life. Same kid convincing her that sex is immoral is going to damage her.

I don't have a desire for sex as I see no point in it.

How is repression of sexual urges damaging?

It can cause some really unpleasant psychological issues, from what I know.

Being a-sexual is not having those urges in the first place. Completely different from repressing existing sexual urges.

Ask someone who knows a bit more about psychology than I do. I might be mistaken, but from what I've heard, sexual repression is can be really bad for your mental health.

Pst - WYTYG is a woman...

Even the girls here want it too...

No dude-get over yourself on this one. If you let her go she'll be hurt, but in a way that she'll be dozens of times in her life, like pretty much all of us are in our lives and we learn to deal with-usually in high school relationships. If she hangs her star on you and your issues, lasting damage. No good.

But I don't want to see her hurt.

It can cause some really unpleasant psychological issues, from what I know.

Being a-sexual is not having those urges in the first place. Completely different from repressing existing sexual urges.

Ask someone who knows a bit more about psychology than I do. I might be mistaken, but from what I've heard, sexual repression is can be really bad for your mental health.

Well, since you know it can, explain to me how it is.

But the point here is that if I let her go I know I will damage her, probably more than if I do what you just described.. I don't want to damage her at all.

No you won't because having your heart broken is also an important learning experince. It builds compassion and it prevents you from taking sex lightly later in life. It also teaches you that you will get over it so the first time you get dumped in your 20s you don't off yourself.

well, unfortunatly for you the human brain is wired to do just that. sex doesn't just release bodily fluids. It releases all kinds of hormones and phermones and other chemicals that play an active role in cementing human bonds. When you have sex with another person there's this sense of being absolutely trusting because you've made yourself as vulnerable to another person as you possible can. It's not just something you learn. The fact that sex makes you fall more in love with a person is part of your neuro-chemical makeup. It's how you were built. In order for you to counteract that you have to actively try to change that about yourself and that's why it's unhealthy.

How is attempting to change how your body functions unhealthy?

No you won't because having your heart broken is also an important learning experince. It builds compassion and it prevents you from taking sex lightly later in life. It also teaches you that you will get over it so the first time you get dumped in your 20s you don't off yourself.

So you're saying that my essentially saying "I hate you." to her, who has grown to be a very close friend, won't end up hurting her? And that it'll actually teach her about life?

I don't have a desire for sex as I see no point in it.
Because you've talked yourself into it. Which isn't asexual, it's repressed sexuality.

I agree with whoever it was (can't find the post) who said you're trying to have something wrong with you. I've noticed threads pop up from you, "help I have X problem", and tbh this just looks like another of those.

Let that poor girl go and find someone who she can learn and share physical expressions of love with.

But I don't want to see her hurt.


Well, you can pack her in bubble wrap and feed her through a tube or get realistic and realize that losing you is something that she'll get over and will be far less than the long term emotional pain and damage that will occour if you stay with her. If you seriously don't want to see her hurt, let her go.

So you're saying that my essentially saying "I hate you." to her, who has grown to be a very close friend, won't end up hurting her? And that it'll actually teach her about life?

"I hate you" =/= "I don't wish to physically express myself with you, or anyone else"

And yes, it will teach her about life.

No no no! I AM romantically attracted to her. I am just simply not sexually attracted to her.

no, youre not.

or to answer your original question

no its not possible to have a romantic relationship without physical attraction.

you dont have to DO anything but you do have to be physically attracted to the other person. thats what romantic love IS.

But what is hugging if but a physical expression of love? If I did hug her, it would be like giving someone a counterfeit bill. They think it's real, but it's not.

And I never said that sex is wrong. It's required for reproduction. It's casual sex that confuses me.

And who says you can't make love rational?


So, you don't hug your family or friends at all?


What does this have to do with casual sex? Casual sex is sex without love.



Ohhh man.... if you really think you can make love rational... you need help, because you're setting yourself up for failure.

Love isn't an intellectual thought. How great someone is to talk to and such and how they share your interests can factor into love, but at its core, love is an incredibly strong emotional feeling. So basically, the nature of love itself says that you can't make it rational. It is possible for something to be both irrational and good at the same time, believe it or not.

How is attempting to change how your body functions unhealthy?Because your body works the way it does because of millions of years of evolution and because it's how we relate to each other. Who are you to second guess that? Most times you end up just mesing yourself and people around you up.



So you're saying that my essentially saying "I hate you." to her, who has grown to be a very close friend, won't end up hurting her? And that it'll actually teach her about life?

Who said anything about saying you hate her? Just don't have a romantic relationship with her and don't stand in her way when she wants one with someone else. I had my heart broken a few times when I was your age and I broke a few of them myself and there was never any "I hate you" involved.

Even the girls here want it too...

Yeah, crazy that. Who would have thought both genders would want sex? You know, I've even heard rumours that they actually like it, too.

Shit man, I for one couldn't be happier with the fact that chicks want and enjoy sex as well. Certainly makes things a lot more workable...

Because you've talked yourself into it. Which isn't asexual, it's repressed sexuality.

I agree with whoever it was (can't find the post) who said you're trying to have something wrong with you. I've noticed threads pop up from you, "help I have X problem", and tbh this just looks like another of those.

Let that poor girl go and find someone who she can learn and share physical expressions of love with.

And? What is wrong with repressed sexuality?

<snip>
Pay attention to this guy. Because he's completely right.

no, youre not.

or to answer your original question

no its not possible to have a romantic relationship without physical attraction.

you dont have to DO anything but you do have to be physically attracted to the other person. thats what romantic love IS.

No, romantic implies emotional.

No, romantic implies emotional.


ALL love is emotional. Love IS an emotion.

So, you don't hug your family or friends at all?


What does this have to do with casual sex? Casual sex is sex without love.



Ohhh man.... if you really think you can make love rational... you need help, because you're setting yourself up for failure.

Love isn't an intellectual thought. How great someone is to talk to and such and how they share your interests can factor into love, but at its core, love is an incredibly strong emotional feeling. So basically, the nature of love itself says that you can't make it rational. It is possible for something to be both irrational and good at the same time, believe it or not.

No.

And my definition of "casual" sex is between people who do not wish to have children.

And? What is wrong with repressed sexuality?

The fact that it's psychologically damaging.

Because your body works the way it does because of millions of years of evolution and because it's how we relate to each other. Who are you to second guess that? Most times you end up just mesing yourself and people around you up.





Who said anything about saying you hate her? Just don't have a romantic relationship with her and don't stand in her way when she wants one with someone else. I had my heart broken a few times when I was your age and I broke a few of them myself and there was never any "I hate you" involved.

Wait, so my not wanting sex will harm me and others, for the only reason that it is encoded in evolution?

The fact that it's psychologically damaging.

People keep telling me it's "psychologically damaging".

I want to know how the fuck is it "psychologically damaging", and how it actually damages my psyche.

People keep telling me it's "psychologically damaging".

I want to know how the fuck is it "psychologically damaging", and how it actually damages my psyche.

We can't fit a background in psychology and a psychology text book into a post on an internet forum. Look it up, man-or ask a counselor.

Actually, do that-ask a counselor. Please please please ask a counselor, they'll tell you all about it. We're not going to be able to fit it in a forum post.

Pay attention to this guy. Because he's completely right.

yes I am. :p

To the OP:

Look, here's the thing. People have two needs - one is to feel loved, the other is to love. Men show love by showing appreciation for the women they love. Nice dinners. Presents. Phone calls just to say hi so she knows you're think about her. Flowers on your anniversary. Men feel loved through sex. It's easy to get a woman to hang out and talk to you and buy you a christmas card. When a woman has sex with you, though, you know how she feels. She'll hang out with a guy friend all day, but she's not taking off her clothes and allowing you into her body unless she feels very strongly about you.

Women feel loved when a man shows her that he cares by doing things like I listed above. A woman feels wanted and appreciated when a man wants to spend time with her and is willing to put an effort into making her happy and showing her that he cares for her. Women show love through physical intimacy. It's a necessary part of the equation for both. Sex is how a woman shows love and sex is how a man feels loved. It's as necessary as the pillow talk afterwards and the nice dinner before. The emotional intimacy, the intimate conversation, the telling of secrets and the physical intimacy are two sides of the same coin and both are necessary to be complete.

Naliitr, I sort of know how you feel. I haven't truly found anyone attractive since the third grade, when I somehow convinced myself that I should not find anyone attractive. I am also trying to make sense of all of the stuff that seems to be so casual and natural to other people. I also wouldn't want to kiss anyone or hug anyone who wasn't a family member or relative.

However, I am not in anyway interested in having a romantic relationship, mostly because I want to avoid all of the kissing and affection and similar stuff, and I'm not sure that a romantic relationship without that stuff, unless it was between two people who both felt that way about kissing.

So, I'm not sure exactly what you should do, other than to tell her how you feel about her and why you don't want to kiss her or anything.

Casual sex is because:
The human brain wants sex (for evolutionary reasons).
There is usually no good reason to deny the brain sex.
If you do deny the brain sex, it will either attempt to force sex on you(usually by making you aware of your sexuality whenever you pass a woman), or glitch and cause you to develop some sort of tic(note:the last one is from Freud and so may not be very reliable).
And the rest of physical attraction is perfectly logical: People feel closer to someone they can touch. Because people feel closer to someone they can touch, if you never touch someone except for reproduction, they will not like you at all.

EDIT: If you really need a rational reason for sex, sexual feelings and emotional feelings are very strongly linked, so that one can only progress so far without the other. Same reasons for that as the brain wanting sex.
And I agree with everyone else, you are some sort of hypochondriac, the difference being that you don't want to think you're sick nessisarily, you just want to think you're not normal.

Wait, so my not wanting sex will harm me and others, for the only reason that it is encoded in evolution?

It's encoded in evolution because it works. As far as harm, no. It will only harm you as long as you leave other people out of the equation. If you mess with other people's emotions then, yes, it can harm people. As far as this girl goes, robbing her of this part of her life is liking taking Christmas away from a five year old. I'm a bit older now, but I remember those days and learning about love and sex and women were some of the most magical times of my life. There's a reason so many songs are written about that time of life.

I was a little too tall
Couldve used a few pounds
Tight pants points hardly reknown
She was a black-haired beauty with big dark eyes
And points all her own sitting way up high
Way up firm and high

Out past the cornfields where the woods got heavy
Out in the back seat of my 60 chevy
Workin on mysteries without any clues
Workin on our night moves
Tryin to make some front page drive-in news
Workin on our night moves
In the summertime
In the sweet summertime

We werent in love, oh no, far from it
We werent searchin for some pie in the sky summit
We were just young and restless and bored
Livin by the sword
And wed steal away every chance we could
To the backroom, to the alley or the trusty woods
I used her, she used me
But neither one cared
We were gettin our share
Workin on our night moves
Tryin to lose the awkward teenage blues
Workin on our night moves
And it was summertime

And oh the wonder
We felt the lightning
And we waited on the thunder
Waited on the thunder

I awoke last night to the sound of thunder
How far off I sat and wondered
Started humming a song from 1962
Aint it funny how the night moves
When you just dont seem to have as much to lose
Strange how the night moves
With autumn closing in

yes I am. :p

To the OP:

Look, here's the thing. People have two needs - one is to feel loved, the other is to love. Men show love by showing appreciation for the women they love. Nice dinners. Presents. Phone calls just to say hi so she knows you're think about her. Flowers on your anniversary. Men feel loved through sex. It's easy to get a woman to hang out and talk to you and buy you a christmas card. When a woman has sex with you, though, you know how she feels. She'll hang out with a guy friend all day, but she's not taking off her clothes and allowing you into her body unless she feels very strongly about you.

Women feel loved when a man shows her that he cares by doing things like I listed above. A woman feels wanted and appreciated when a man wants to spend time with her and is willing to put an effort into making her happy and showing her that he cares for her. Women show love through physical intimacy. It's a necessary part of the equation for both. Sex is how a woman shows love and sex is how a man feels loved. It's as necessary as the pillow talk afterwards and the nice dinner before. The emotional intimacy, the intimate conversation, the telling of secrets and the physical intimacy are two sides of the same coin and both are necessary to be complete.

Firstly: My mom kicked me off at about five PST, so sorry I couldn't respond.

Secondly: Jolt is now making it increasingly difficult for me to respond now that I am on.

Onto the discussion!

You say that sex shows how women show their love and affection. What if the man doesn't get love that way, but instead through something else? Then what is the need for sex? The man no longer needs it to feel loved, and the women (hopefully) understands that sex is not needed to love the man.

Well, I feel really bad for forcing another "love" problem on you guys, since you already have about three going right now. But yeah.

Here's the problem. There's this girl that I am emotionally attracted to at school. As I am asexual, I pretty much feel no physical attraction to her, even though she can be considered "attractive". She is also emotionally attracted to me, and maybe even physically, although I doubt that latter. Either way, she's a close friend. As far as I can tell, she wants to take our relationship to the next level. What she doesn't understand is that I literally cannot feel any physical attraction to her, even though she wants me to be her boyfriend, which includes physical expressions of love including kissing and that sort of thing. She seems to have taken that as an insult, and as far as I can tell now she thinks I think she's ugly. So can anyone give any advice as to how in the name of the gods am I supposed to allow this relationship to go to the next level if I simply am not willing to do what all forms of that relationship are supposed to have, and what she wants it to have, which is physical expression of love?

Is asexuality like, a medical condition or something? I've never heard of it in that context before... does it mean you have no sex drive at all? Is it a hormonal/neurochemical thing, or what? Would it mean that you simply cannot get an erection, or that it's a very unlikely thing?

Yeah, I have a lot more questions than answers at this point. But you could certainly kiss her, right?

At any rate, you should probably make it very clear to her just what the situation is with your asexuality and whatnot. At worst, she won't want to go out with you. But she'll probably still be your friend. People tend to appreciate honesty, and God knows girls appreciate secrets (that they're let in on).

Firstly: My mom kicked me off at about five PST, so sorry I couldn't respond.

Secondly: Jolt is now making it increasingly difficult for me to respond now that I am on.

Onto the discussion!

You say that sex shows how women show their love and affection. What if the man doesn't get love that way, but instead through something else? Then what is the need for sex? The man no longer needs it to feel loved, and the women (hopefully) understands that sex is not needed to love the man.

Then you should find someone like that. You've made it clear that she is not.

On another note, you really should see someone about this. You don't want to miss out on that part of life. It is probably th most fulfilling part of life and any other thing you find fulfilling is even more so when you have someone to share it with. Fiding a woman who doesn't feel that physical intimacy is an important part of a relationship is going to be incredibly hard. I've never met one. And by that I don't mean I've never dated when, I mean I've never met a woman that doesn't feel that way at all.

Unrelated to other comments, I'd suggest to rather ask at http://www.asexuality.org and siumilar sites - I guess they would be more helpful for you, there probably is a lot of people with similar attitudes or issues.

Then you should find someone like that. You've made it clear that she is not.

On another note, you really should see someone about this. You don't want to miss out on that part of life. It is probably th most fulfilling part of life and any other thing you find fulfilling is even more so when you have someone to share it with. Fiding a woman who doesn't feel that physical intimacy is an important part of a relationship is going to be incredibly hard. I've never met one. And by that I don't mean I've never dated when, I mean I've never met a woman that doesn't feel that way at all.

It shouldn't be that hard to find a woman like that. That's how I feel, and I doubt I'm the only girl in the world who feels the way I do.

You should totally try it on with her, if only so you can go about saying, 'Yes, I am asexual. I tried kissing/etc and it did nothing'.

My advice to you- stop viewing sex as a "physical expression of love". Don't take it so seriously all the time. Just try being sexual, and see if you actually enjoy it. You never know, theres a lot of fun to be had. And doing it with someone you care about just makes you feel closer.

Is asexuality like, a medical condition or something? I've never heard of it in that context before... does it mean you have no sex drive at all? Is it a hormonal/neurochemical thing, or what? Would it mean that you simply cannot get an erection, or that it's a very unlikely thing?

A true asexual is someone who simply is incapable of feeling any sexual urges whatsoever. We've had one on this board. There's one on another board I frequent. Naliitr is not one, no matter how he tries to fool himself.

I dunno if anyone's mentioned this yet, I read through the first 5 pages and didn't see anything so I'll pop it up as a 'reason' for sex between 2 consentual, committed people in a relationship.

Recent scientific studies have shown that there is a chemical released into the brain that effects the level of trust during certain times during childhood and during orgasm. There has been some talk about them reproducing the chemical in medical form to counteract an uncommon problem in certain children who have too much or too little of it and either trust everyone like parents or trust noone at all ever.

((I read this in the newspaper and I haven't done much following up, but it wasn't some crap tabloid or anything it was an actual study. I realize I have no proof for this or links or source, but I did read it and my point is in the effects rather than the type or stats))

Everything from a touch on the hand with a smile to full blown honeymoon romantic sex is a physical expression of love... hugging your parents lets them know that you love them, and lets you feel like you've expressed it. If you guys are 13-14 years old then this isn't even an issue for a while... we're talking about holding hands and putting your arm around her while you're watching TV. It's the nearness now and not the sex. As you get older the sex will be more important when it comes to personal relationships because you need the intimacy to inspire trust and togetherness as well as the full knowledge of each others bodies and minds.

Never have sex if you don't want to.

It shouldn't make you feel gross or wrong or dirty to be touching someone non-sexually who you have strong positive emotions for. That's why people are suggesting counseling, because there's something that's gone wrong in your upbringing or your sudden onset of puberty.

I know a couple in their late teens who have both had issues in their growings up and neither of them has any interest in sexual activity. Their relationship works because they have the same level of sexual drive, and in their case that's none. If one partner has a drive and the other does not then there is going to be a problem - especially if one is encouraging the other to have physical relations with another... because of what the physical reactions are to the act in terms of chemical and emotional side-effects.

So I guess what I'm saying is that
A) there's more to physical expression than sexual drive
B) there's more to sex than reproduction and pleasure
C) counseling is a very good idea
D) find someone with the same drive as you if you want to make it work

thank you for reading my ramblings :)

Is asexuality like, a medical condition or something? I've never heard of it in that context before... does it mean you have no sex drive at all? Is it a hormonal/neurochemical thing, or what? Would it mean that you simply cannot get an erection, or that it's a very unlikely thing?

Yeah, I have a lot more questions than answers at this point. But you could certainly kiss her, right?

At any rate, you should probably make it very clear to her just what the situation is with your asexuality and whatnot. At worst, she won't want to go out with you. But she'll probably still be your friend. People tend to appreciate honesty, and God knows girls appreciate secrets (that they're let in on).

Asexuality = No sex drive nor no attraction to anything, at least physically.

I could, but it wouldn't be a physical expression of love like if someone else did.

And I'm trying. That's what this thread is about. Discovering how to explain to her what my asexuality means.

<snip>

That was actually on the sixth or seventh page. :p

And as far I can tell from family relations, I can't release hormones nor recieve them from close physical contact.

A true asexual is someone who simply is incapable of feeling any sexual urges whatsoever. We've had one on this board. There's one on another board I frequent. Naliitr is not one, no matter how he tries to fool himself.

And am I not? Where do I say that I have sexual urges in this thread?

My advice to you- stop viewing sex as a "physical expression of love". Don't take it so seriously all the time. Just try being sexual, and see if you actually enjoy it. You never know, theres a lot of fun to be had. And doing it with someone you care about just makes you feel closer.

Ok, so now it's for pleasure. Yes, something that quite a few citizens of society condemn, for pure, unadulterated pleasure.

You should totally try it on with her, if only so you can go about saying, 'Yes, I am asexual. I tried kissing/etc and it did nothing'.

Yes, but if I start it with her and then suddenly stop, what kind of message will that send?

Then you should find someone like that. You've made it clear that she is not.

On another note, you really should see someone about this. You don't want to miss out on that part of life. It is probably th most fulfilling part of life and any other thing you find fulfilling is even more so when you have someone to share it with. Fiding a woman who doesn't feel that physical intimacy is an important part of a relationship is going to be incredibly hard. I've never met one. And by that I don't mean I've never dated when, I mean I've never met a woman that doesn't feel that way at all.

Yes, but she still wants me. It's not who I want, it's who she wants. And I want to make sure it can still work for her sake.

It shouldn't be that hard to find a woman like that. That's how I feel, and I doubt I'm the only girl in the world who feels the way I do.

Oh yes, it would be very easy to find someone like that in a school of 2.5k students, all of which have raging hormones, and almost all of which are influenced by mainstream media, and just about nothing else.

Ok, so now it's for pleasure. Yes, something that quite a few citizens of society condemn, for pure, unadulterated pleasure.

Don't listen to bigots. ;)
It is for pleasure, for yours and hers, that's all it's meant to be. It can be more than that if you want it to, but to force artificial meaning on it just so it doesn't sound so crude and ... sexual is just putting unnecessary pressure on you. And her, in the end.

Well, I feel really bad for forcing another "love" problem on you guys, since you already have about three going right now. But yeah.

Here's the problem. There's this girl that I am emotionally attracted to at school. As I am asexual, I pretty much feel no physical attraction to her, even though she can be considered "attractive". She is also emotionally attracted to me, and maybe even physically, although I doubt that latter. Either way, she's a close friend. As far as I can tell, she wants to take our relationship to the next level. What she doesn't understand is that I literally cannot feel any physical attraction to her, even though she wants me to be her boyfriend, which includes physical expressions of love including kissing and that sort of thing. She seems to have taken that as an insult, and as far as I can tell now she thinks I think she's ugly. So can anyone give any advice as to how in the name of the gods am I supposed to allow this relationship to go to the next level if I simply am not willing to do what all forms of that relationship are supposed to have, and what she wants it to have, which is physical expression of love?

I think it is possible, in theory, to have a healthy romantic relationship without having sexual contact. However, it is only possible if both parties feel the same way about their "sexless" relationship. If one partner very much wants to have sex while the other does not, it's probably going to poison the relationship eventually.

It's the fact that

A) Sex is morally degrading

B) I truly don't think physical expressioning of love is the best way to express love, so why even do it if it is A)?

Thats an oppinion, not a fact.
And it is my oppinion that you talk bovine waste in humongous ammounts.

Thats an oppinion, not a fact.
And it is my oppinion that you talk bovine waste in humongous ammounts.

Whoa. Umm... Simply, Whoa. I thought this was a help thread, not a bash thread?

Yes, but if I start it with her and then suddenly stop, what kind of message will that send?

Tell her that beforehand. Explain the whole 'asexual' thing first.

No no no! I AM romantically attracted to her. I am just simply not sexually attracted to her.

Then whats wrong with cuddles and kisses? an expression of affection is not the same as an expression of sexual attraction. Just because you dont want to screw her doesnt mean you shouldnt want to express yourself physically at all. dont you hug your friends? your parents? or even pet an animal?

Whoa. Umm... Simply, Whoa. I thought this was a help thread, not a bash thread?

You talk bs, i call you on that. Simple. Dont claim to know facts when you dont have them. Listen to the frigging advice instead of claiming you cant this, you wont this and whatnot. If you cared about the girl, you'd at least try. That would send an entirely different message than just words. Physical truth is better evidence than a lot of blabber.

Wait, so my not wanting sex will harm me and others, for the only reason that it is encoded in evolution?
It's not simply that you don't want sex. It's that you say things like, "Sex is morally degrading."

If you simply didn't feel like having sex, that'd be one thing. But it's obviously not that simple. You have some serious hangups about sex, and some serious issues surrounding love and intimacy, and those are things you should deal with BEFORE you enter into any serious relationship.

Not because sex is a requirement for all relationships, or because asexuality is inherently bad, but because you owe it to yourself and your future partner to address your own emotional problems as best you can before you add the complications of a serious relationship.

I have 3 questions for you, and I apologise if they've been answered, but I really can't be bothered browsing through 10 pages worth of replies:

1) How old are you?

2) Have you ever had sex before?

3) What made you come to such a conclusion about Sexual intercourse?

But also remember: Actions speak louder then words, ESPECIALLY in cases like this.

Then whats wrong with cuddles and kisses? an expression of affection is not the same as an expression of sexual attraction. Just because you dont want to screw her doesnt mean you shouldnt want to express yourself physically at all. dont you hug your friends? your parents? or even pet an animal?

They're still physical expressions of love, which I simply cannot put any love into.

And no. At least to all except animals. Animals are kind of, different than humans. Much easier to physically express love with them.

You talk bs, i call you on that. Simple. Dont claim to know facts when you dont have them. Listen to the frigging advice instead of claiming you cant this, you wont this and whatnot. If you cared about the girl, you'd at least try. That would send an entirely different message than just words. Physical truth is better evidence than a lot of blabber.

And yet you don't know about me, and yet you assume things about me that are different from what I am telling you. Frankly, right now it's my word that I can't express physical love against, well, nothing. And like I said before, I'm afraid that if I tried I would in someway just end up hurting her more.

They're still physical expressions of love, which I simply cannot put any love into.

It's not.


And no. At least to all except animals. Animals are kind of, different than humans. Much easier to physically express love with them.

So... you love every single dog you pet?

It's not simply that you don't want sex. It's that you say things like, "Sex is morally degrading."

If you simply didn't feel like having sex, that'd be one thing. But it's obviously not that simple. You have some serious hangups about sex, and some serious issues surrounding love and intimacy, and those are things you should deal with BEFORE you enter into any serious relationship.

Not because sex is a requirement for all relationships, or because asexuality is inherently bad, but because you owe it to yourself and your future partner to address your own emotional problems as best you can before you add the complications of a serious relationship.

Well, the problem right now is that she wants me to enter into a serious relationship NOW. Not later, after I've dealt with these "problems". Now.

Well, the problem right now is that she wants me to enter into a serious relationship NOW. Not later, after I've dealt with these "problems". Now.

So have you told her you're going to deal with those problems, and asked her to wait?

It's not.



So... you love every single dog you pet?

But isn't cuddling supposed to show that you love each other?

And I love all nature.

If you want to have an emotionally intimate relationship with her you may need to compromise and give her some physical reinforcement as well. You don't have to disire those things in order to do them. Hold her hand, give her a kiss now and then, hug her when she wants to be hugged.

You might also have a long talk with her about how you don't feel any physical attraction towards anyone, that it's not just her. But that you do feel an emotional attraction to her, and that you want her to be happy.

If you truely are 'asexual' and want to someday have a healthy marriage you need to learn to compromise with yourself, and give your partner the physical reinforcement they need.

I don't have any difficulty feeling physical attraction, but I find that the emotional exchange between myself and my girlfriend is the more rewarding aspect of affection. A kiss doesn't have to be about physical attraction, it can simply be an expression of love and trust.

I would say that you should focus on the emotional aspect of affection (which I assume you can feel) and not worry about your lack of physical desire. But someday when you get married you will need to preform physically even if you don't feel driven to do it, just to show your partner that you love them, and trust them.

In other words, focus on what you do feel, and not on what you can't.

I have 3 questions for you, and I apologise if they've been answered, but I really can't be bothered browsing through 10 pages worth of replies:

1) How old are you?

2) Have you ever had sex before?

3) What made you come to such a conclusion about Sexual intercourse?

But also remember: Actions speak louder then words, ESPECIALLY in cases like this.

13, 14 in six days.

No

A discussion with myself.

But isn't cuddling supposed to show that you love each other?

Cuddling is supposed to make you and your partner feel good, nothing else.
You can use it to express your feelings, you can use it simply as a means to de-stress, you can use it to get your hands warm. These are uses, not meanings.


And I love all nature.

In that case, you better start cuddling with that girl, cause she sure as hell is part of nature.

If you want to have an emotionally intimate relationship with her you may need to compromise and give her some physical reinforcement as well. You don't have to disire those things in order to do them. Hold her hand, give her a kiss now and then, hug her when she wants to be hugged.

You might also have a long talk with her about how you don't feel any physical attraction towards anyone, that it's not just her. But that you do feel an emotional attraction to her, and that you want her to be happy.

If you truely are 'asexual' and want to someday have a healthy marriage you need to learn to compromise with yourself, and give your partner the physical reinforcement they need.

I don't have any difficulty feeling physical attraction, but I find that the emotional exchange between myself and my girlfriend is the more rewarding aspect of affection. A kiss doesn't have to be about physical attraction, it can simply be an expression of love and trust.

I would say that you should focus on the emotional aspect of affection (which I assume you can feel) and not worry about your lack of physical desire. But someday when you get married you will need to preform physically even if you don't feel driven to do it, just to show your partner that you love them, and trust them.

In other words, focus on what you do feel, and not on what you can't.

Yes, but what is a kiss or a hug (or a screw) if there's no love in it? And as I said before, I simply cannot express love through kisses etc.

Cuddling is supposed to make you and your partner feel good, nothing else.
You can use it to express your feelings, you can use it simply as a means to de-stress, you can use it to get your hands warm. These are uses, not meanings.



In that case, you better start humping that girl, cause she sure as hell is part of nature.

I think you're not getting the point here. I said I cannot express my feelings through physical affection. Cuddling is physical affection.

And I love all nature. I don't consider humanity part of nature.

I think you're not getting the point here. I said I cannot express my feelings through physical affection. Cuddling is physical affection.

And I love all nature. I don't consider humanity part of nature.

*sigh
I think I get he point a lot better than you do. You admitted yourself that you are capable of physical contact when petting an animal.
Yet you block yourself of from the same forms of contact with humans, because you keep telling yourself you'd have to express something. You don't.

Oh, and humanity is part of nature, whether you consider it as such or not.

*sigh
I think I get he point a lot better than you do. You admitted yourself that you are capable of physical contact when petting an animal.
Yet you block yourself of from the same forms of contact with humans, because you keep telling yourself you'd have to express something. You don't.

Oh, and humanity is part of nature, whether you consider it as such or not.

Well then what is the point of physical contact if it's not to express love?

And until humanity decides to stop screwing up and taking advantage of nature at every turn, it shouldn't be considered part of nature.

Well then what is the point of physical contact if it's not to express love?
uh.....just because?

I hug the preschoolers that come into my class, not because I love them, in fact they annoy me a LOT, but so that they will feel comfortable.

It says so in my teacher's book "hug each child as they come in, tell them you are happy to see them"

You still dont listen. It doesnt matter if you express something through intimacies. You show your love by doing something for her which she wants by overcoming your reluctance to touching someone in a romatic way. Its not like you have to puke or otherwise get physically ill. You dont have to have sex with her, a gentle bit of cuddling might be all she wants for now.
If you cant get over yourself for that little bit, you dont love. Simple as that.

Yes, but what is a kiss or a hug (or a screw) if there's no love in it? And as I said before, I simply cannot express love through kisses etc.

If you can't feel love, then your problem isn't asexuality. Asexuality means that you have no innate sexual desires.

If you can't feel emotional love, for anyone, then you have an emotional block inside of you somewhere. Some emotional truama from your past is holding your feelings hostage so that you can't feel them.

Have your parents divorced? Were you abused as a child, even if it was just emotional abuse, such as shouting and put downs? Did a close loved one die?

I wouldn't expect you to answer those questions here, but ask yourself if there is some pain in your past that you are hiding from, go searching through your feelings and see if you can find any.

If you do find something like that, then your next step would be to find someone you trust that you can talk to about it. Perhaps this friend would be able to help you there...

If you can't feel love, then your problem isn't asexuality. Asexuality means that you have no innate sexual desires.

If you can't feel emotional love, for anyone, then you have an emotional block inside of you somewhere. Some emotional truama from your past is holding your feelings hostage so that you can't feel them.

Have your parents divorced? Were you abused as a child, even if it was just emotional abuse, such as shouting and put downs? Did a close loved one die?

I wouldn't expect you to answer those questions here, but ask yourself if there is some pain in your past that you are hiding from, go searching through your feelings and see if you can find any.

If you do find something like that, then your next step would be to find someone you trust that you can talk to about it. Perhaps this friend able to help you there...

What? I said at the beginning of this thread that I feel emotional love. I just can't express that love physically.

Well then what is the point of physical contact if it's not to express love?

Has it ever occured to you that the reason to have physical contact could be just to have physical contact?
It's pleasure, that's why. Perfectly self-sufficient.


And until humanity decides to stop screwing up and taking advantage of nature at every turn, it shouldn't be considered part of nature.

They're not behaving their best, but that won't change the fact that they're natural and part of nature. Same as a Tuberculosis virus is part of nature.

uh.....just because?

I hug the preschoolers that come into my class, not because I love them, in fact they annoy me a LOT, but so that they will feel comfortable.

It says so in my teacher's book "hug each child as they come in, tell them you are happy to see them"

You still dont listen. It doesnt matter if you express something through intimacies. You show your love by doing something for her which she wants by overcoming your reluctance to touching someone in a romatic way. Its not like you have to puke or otherwise get physically ill. You dont have to have sex with her, a gentle bit of cuddling might be all she wants for now.
If you cant get over yourself for that little bit, you dont love. Simple as that.

OH. I see what you mean now. Do it even though I absolutely despise it, as it will make HER feel better. Ok. *no sarcasm*

You still dont listen. It doesnt matter if you express something through intimacies. You show your love by doing something for her which she wants by overcoming your reluctance to touching someone in a romatic way. Its not like you have to puke or otherwise get physically ill. You dont have to have sex with her, a gentle bit of cuddling might be all she wants for now.
If you cant get over yourself for that little bit, you dont love. Simple as that.

Quoted for emphasis.

OH. I see what you mean now. Do it even though I absolutely despise it, as it will make HER feel better. Ok. *no sarcasm*

that's what relationships are about buddy.

do you think my husband really really wants to go black Friday shopping? nope. He goes because I like it and I need a blocker to keep me safe.

do you think I like going to the tailgate party of every single freaking home game OU has? not really, I would rather be where it's warm not listening to "the preshow as performed by idiot and asshat", but I do it because he likes me there and it is fun for him.

OH. I see what you mean now. Do it even though I absolutely despise it, as it will make HER feel better. Ok. *no sarcasm*

And you think she won't notice that you despise it?
The kids may annoy Smunkee, but I seriously doubt that she despises hugging the, on the contrary.

I'd say find a counsellor, or maybe even a therapist to get to the bottom of your problems with physical contact. And work on it from there. Oh, and tell her you're doing that, it'll make her feel a lot better than a cold, self-conscious hug.

I still think you have an emotional issue attached to physical expression of love. Or you would feel the emotional aspect of it, and simply not the physical aspect.

If you feel disgust for physical intimacy it likely means that you have some pain attatched to the act of physical intimacy, probably because of something that happened to you in the past.

I'm trying to help you, not put you down, or tell you you are wrong.

I hope that you are able to work these difficulties out.

If you feel disgust for physical intimacy it likely means that you have some pain attatched to the act of physical intimacy, probably because of something that happened to you in the past.

What? You mean like sexual abuse? Firstly, I don't think anyone in my family would do that. Secondly, if it did happen I have no memory of it what so ever.

13, 14 in six days.

No

A discussion with myself.

Let me get this straight, you're 14 and you've come to a very radical conclusion that you simply cannot express affection for someone physically. I know how you feel, I've felt that before when I was your age.

What's the point in having sex? It's such a dirty and immoral thing to do. Why should I touch someone in such a way? Isn't what I'm saying good enough?
Yeah, those are questions I asked myself too. That's why I didn't get my first girlfriend until I was 18, in other words, this year.

I respect your decision and what-have-you, but I am fairly certain that once you grow older, the female body will become much more physically attractive. Or perhaps you can't find yourself expressing your emotions physically because you're gay? Have you actually sat down and discussed that fact with yourself? Because I know that when I was going through that stage, the thought of me being possibly gay frightened me, so I avoided it altogether. I'm ashamed to admit it, but that's how I felt.

Anyway, I can guarantee you that you will grow older, mature more and yearn to feel a delicate hand on yours, a light peck on your cheek from your significant other, fingers running through your hair and...ok I'll stop now.

What? You mean like sexual abuse? Firstly, I don't think anyone in my family would do that. Secondly, if it did happen I have no memory of it what so ever.

Doesn't have to be abuse, it could just as easily have been some sort of shock experience. That's why I suggested to try and get to the bottom of the problem.

Let me get this straight, you're 14 and you've come to a very radical conclusion that you simply cannot express affection for someone physically. I know how you feel, I've felt that before when I was your age.

What's the point in having sex? It's such a dirty and immoral thing to do. Why should I touch someone in such a way? Isn't what I'm saying good enough?
Yeah, those are questions I asked myself too. That's why I didn't get my first girlfriend until I was 18, in other words, this year.

I respect your decision and what-have-you, but I am fairly certain that once you grow older, the female body will become much more physically attractive. Or perhaps you can't find yourself expressing your emotions physically because you're gay? Have you actually sat down and discussed that fact with yourself? Because I know that when I was going through that stage, the thought of me being possibly gay frightened me, so I avoided it altogether. I'm ashamed to admit it, but that's how I felt.

Anyway, I can guarantee you that you will grow older, mature more and yearn to feel a delicate hand on yours, a light peck on your cheek from your significant other, fingers running through your hair and...ok I'll stop now.

No, I'm not gay. Because I thought to myself about expressing my emotions through physical affection to other men, and that just didn't seem rational either.

No, I'm not gay. Because I thought to myself about expressing my emotions through physical affection to other men, and that just didn't seem rational either.

Rational?


Oh dear, oh dear....

And stop trying to express your emotions. Just enjoy.

Rational?


Oh dear, oh dear....

And stop trying to express your emotions. Just enjoy.

Hear Hear!

Don't look at this from a point of view of rationality - you are not a machine defined by logic.

I've kinda skimmed but...

1. Don't rule yourself out of the gene pool just yet - you're still pretty young and sexual maturity could be a little way off.
2. If she wants a physical aspect to the relationship and you refuse to give it to her then your relationship is doomed eventually. Nothing wrong with being friends though.


Why do you not want to?

Rational?


Oh dear, oh dear....

And stop trying to express your emotions. Just enjoy.

Indeed, trying to rationalize everything won't get you far eh?

Listen, Sometimes there doesn't need to be a reason behind doing something apart from pure enjoyment. A Human Being can be many things, but to live without physical human contact as an expression of love and affection isn't living at all, its barely surviving.

A Human Being can be many things, but to live without physical human contact as an expression of love and affection isn't living at all, its barely surviving.

And you would know.... How?

And you would know.... How?

I do know from experience. It's not worth it. At all. no matter what your hang ups are, sort them out, you won't regret it.

And another thing, if something might happen in the mentioned direction: shut off you brain, you dont need it, its more of a hindrance.:D

No, romantic implies emotional.

no

romantic love is the love between husband and wife (to put it conservatively) its the love that causes you to want to make love to the person you love.

if you dont want to even touch this girl, you arent romantically involved with her. SHE wants hand holding and kissing because she is romantically attracted to you. you dont want it because you arent romantically interested in her.

if you do secretly have a physical attraction to her that you feel is inappropriate to express then yes, it is a romantic relationship. its not wrong to feel that you should be putting off physical relationships until you are older. its just odd to deny that you have any such feelings.

Just through talk, discussion, conversation. And not saying "I love you" every other sentence. I mean actually talking about something that both have a mutual interest in. I find it a good way. But then again, I'm me.
Well damn, skippy. That's not romantic love, that's friendship. Forming an emotional bond with someone without physical attraction is just friendship. In other words, it's possible to love someone without being in love with them, if you see the difference? I love my guy friends, in fact most of my best friends are guys. We talk, have debates, hang out, laugh, all that good stuff. My close friends know that if they need me, I'll drop everything for them, and vice versa. But there's no physical attraction there. Does that mean we don't love each other? No. But when I say "I love you" to them (which is rarely), they know I don't mean that I'm in love with them.

So now I'm supposed to allow her to express her love to me in a way that I don't exactly enjoy?
No. You absolutely are not supposed to do that. It wouldn't be healthy for either of you.

Well, I feel really bad for forcing another "love" problem on you guys, since you already have about three going right now. But yeah.

Here's the problem. There's this girl that I am emotionally attracted to at school. As I am asexual, I pretty much feel no physical attraction to her, even though she can be considered "attractive". She is also emotionally attracted to me, and maybe even physically, although I doubt that latter. Either way, she's a close friend. As far as I can tell, she wants to take our relationship to the next level. What she doesn't understand is that I literally cannot feel any physical attraction to her, even though she wants me to be her boyfriend, which includes physical expressions of love including kissing and that sort of thing. She seems to have taken that as an insult, and as far as I can tell now she thinks I think she's ugly. So can anyone give any advice as to how in the name of the gods am I supposed to allow this relationship to go to the next level if I simply am not willing to do what all forms of that relationship are supposed to have, and what she wants it to have, which is physical expression of love?

Solution a) See if you can get testosterone supplements. It can make women aggresivly sexual, it can't do worse for you.

Solution b) Subject her to years of subtle emotional abuse rendering her anxious and depressed. Then suggest she go on prozac, rendering her asexual too.

no

romantic love is the love between husband and wife (to put it conservatively) its the love that causes you to want to make love to the person you love.


No, that's the love between boyfriend and girlfriend (or more universally, lovers).
The love between a husband and wife is the love that keeps you from getting dressed and leaving for the night when the other clips their toenails in bed.

Doesn't have to be abuse, it could just as easily have been some sort of shock experience. That's why I suggested to try and get to the bottom of the problem.

People subject to sexual abuse in childhood often become hyper-sexual. Every woman I know who pursues sex aggresivly, the way men do, has been subject to some sort of molestation in childhood.

People subject to sexual abuse in childhood often become hyper-sexual. Every woman I know who pursues sex aggresivly, the way men do, has been subject to some sort of molestation in childhood.

Damn, how many hyper-sexual women do you know?

Naliitr, just a thought here, but...

Your name indicates that you may be taking, oh, I dunno, Ritilan or something? If that (or something else, or a combo of drugs) have you stopped to consider that there may well be sexual side effects? Have you discussed this with your doctor? And even if you are NOT taking, nor have you ever taken, any drugs, you should STILL discuss this issue with a doctor.

I say its not possible to have a romantic relationship without being physical, since well thats a big part of what seperates being friends from being in a relationship. So if your not going to kiss and cuddle and all that other fun stuff that makes being in relationship one of the best things in the world(even slightly better than alcohol, and thats saying something coming from me) I think you are attracted to her though and you should go for it and try to the physical stuff. You might be surprised to find afterward how attracted you are to her.

Oh yes, it would be very easy to find someone like that in a school of 2.5k students, all of which have raging hormones, and almost all of which are influenced by mainstream media, and just about nothing else.

I meant that it wouldn't be impossible to find someone with similar views as you. I know that most students at my school (about the same size as yours, perhaps slightly larger) seem to be interested in showing affection, judging by how often I see people kissing in the hallways (even though it's against school rules. It makes me want to throw up whenever I see it), but then, I have no way of knowing every single student in my school, and I doubt that you know every single student at your school, either.

If it's true that you don't know everyone at your school, then you don't know for sure that there is no girl who feels the same way as you do. I haven't found anyone at my school (other than myself) who feels averse to physical signs of affection, but that doesn't mean that no one does, and I'm not really looking for anyone else who does. I really don't care if I don't have any sort of relationship that isn't platonic at this point, or at any point in my life.

By the way, I was just wondering, did you read my first post on this thread?

I'm just laughing because you're 13 and think you have yourself figured out. A little skepticism on your part would do you a world of good.

Nothing, as I have no sexual attraction to anything nor (as far as I can tell) I have no sex drive.



well then your relation ship cannot go any further than it is
it is like a fish and a camel in a relationship with each other; no matter how mutch they like each other the fish needs water and the camel is not thirsty.

think of a serious relationship as a tringel
make a triangle with your fingers the three parts of this relation ship: emotional health, mental communication and physical love. and yours is missing a piece of the triangle, take away your thumbs from the triangle. what happens? it collapses inward.



pq:cant you take some kind of medication to give you your balls back?

Ps:i guess (if you awnsered no to the "post question") you are forced into abstanence. witch is unhealth for a male. seldome ejaculation can lead to prostate cancer.

I'm just laughing because you're 13 and think you have yourself figured out. A little skepticism on your part would do you a world of good.

oh and if your thirteen then disregrad what i said earlier and wait a coupple months (or even years) some people don't hit puberty untill their 17, though it is uncommon.

ok now that i have read this thread i can see what is going on here i regret posting all that shrink crap about the fishg and camel triangle.

a confused 14 year old likes a girl that is more mature than he is. he thinks that just because 90% of his peers have matured and are sexually attracted to oppsite sex and he has yet to that he has never will.he obsessed him self with it to the point that he thinks about how this him and girl that he likes will have a long-term relationship and it will run into problems down the road because he thinks he will never be attracted to her sexually.

GET A LIFE! play on a sports team or get a hobby don't wast time obsessing over your lacking of attraction. it will come soon enough! (no pun intended)

besides im pretty shure you made up asexuality in the way you use it because that would mean that you could defuse and create exact copys of your self!

Solution a) See if you can get testosterone supplements. It can make women aggresivly sexual, it can't do worse for you.

Solution b) Subject her to years of subtle emotional abuse rendering her anxious and depressed. Then suggest she go on prozac, rendering her asexual too.

She's already depressed. But it's self-diagnosed, so it may be emo-esk in depression.

I'm just laughing because you're 13 and think you have yourself figured out. A little skepticism on your part would do you a world of good.

And I'm laughing because you only have five posts.

ok now that i have read this thread i can see what is going on here i regret posting all that shrink crap about the fishg and camel triangle.

a confused 14 year old likes a girl that is more mature than he is. he thinks that just because 90% of his peers have matured and are sexually attracted to oppsite sex and he has yet to that he has never will.he obsessed him self with it to the point that he thinks about how this him and girl that he likes will have a long-term relationship and it will run into problems down the road because he thinks he will never be attracted to her sexually.

GET A LIFE! play on a sports team or get a hobby don't wast time obsessing over your lacking of attraction. it will come soon enough! (no pun intended)

besides im pretty shure you made up asexuality in the way you use it because that would mean that you could defuse and create exact copys of your self!

Let's see here. (Note the following part will shut up a lot of you, not just this guy.)

I am about, say, five, four years into puberty? I think by now my body should be sending signals saying "Reproduce. Reproduce. Reproduce.". And yet it is not happening.

well then your relation ship cannot go any further than it is
it is like a fish and a camel in a relationship with each other; no matter how mutch they like each other the fish needs water and the camel is not thirsty.

think of a serious relationship as a tringel
make a triangle with your fingers the three parts of this relation ship: emotional health, mental communication and physical love. and yours is missing a piece of the triangle, take away your thumbs from the triangle. what happens? it collapses inward.



pq:cant you take some kind of medication to give you your balls back?

Ps:i guess (if you awnsered no to the "post question") you are forced into abstanence. witch is unhealth for a male. seldome ejaculation can lead to prostate cancer.

A line is just as stable as a triangle.

And I guess I should get my prostate removed if I'm not exactly planning on using it.

Naliitr, just a thought here, but...

Your name indicates that you may be taking, oh, I dunno, Ritilan or something? If that (or something else, or a combo of drugs) have you stopped to consider that there may well be sexual side effects? Have you discussed this with your doctor? And even if you are NOT taking, nor have you ever taken, any drugs, you should STILL discuss this issue with a doctor.

Where did you come from?

Damn, how many hyper-sexual women do you know?

Three. And then some aquaintences I met through them.

I notice a problem. Judging by the fact that you are “in school,” it is impossible for a reasonably attractive chick to not be attracted to you in a non-physical way. You see, most attractive chicks aren’t capable of fooling themselves into thinking that a guy is good looking because of his money or whatever her measure of success is until she’s at least in her twenties.
That means that she either isn't attracted to you at all, or she wants your dick, which won't go over well seeing as you are currently pretending to be asexual.

Edit: Oh, and yeah, it is impossible to have a healthy romantic relationship without sex.

She's already depressed. But it's self-diagnosed, so it may be emo-esk in depression.

Then you're half way there. Get her on prozac pronto.

Yes, but she still wants me. It's not who I want, it's who she wants. And I want to make sure it can still work for her sake.

Kiddo, unless you stop viewing physical intimacy (not necessarily sex, but cuddling, holding hands, kissing) as some unnatural and dirty thing, it isn't going to work. Period.

It also won't work if you try to force yourself to believe that love is in any way rational. If you want to love, get rid of that bullshit idea right now, because love is pure emotion.

I may sound like an asshole, but I'm just being honest.

I meant that it wouldn't be impossible to find someone with similar views as you. I know that most students at my school (about the same size as yours, perhaps slightly larger) seem to be interested in showing affection, judging by how often I see people kissing in the hallways (even though it's against school rules. It makes me want to throw up whenever I see it), but then, I have no way of knowing every single student in my school, and I doubt that you know every single student at your school, either.

If it's true that you don't know everyone at your school, then you don't know for sure that there is no girl who feels the same way as you do. I haven't found anyone at my school (other than myself) who feels averse to physical signs of affection, but that doesn't mean that no one does, and I'm not really looking for anyone else who does. I really don't care if I don't have any sort of relationship that isn't platonic at this point, or at any point in my life.

By the way, I was just wondering, did you read my first post on this thread?

Come to my school. You will be suprised. There is very few people at my school that aren't either a "gangsta", an emo, a prep, or a complete and total freak (and that's saying it's BAD). Any of the nerds/geeks/dorks there are either anime/manga geeks, gaming nerds who don't care about anything past their computer or console, or dorks who are just plain annoying. There's not one person at that school, besides my close friends, who actually give a shit about politics, philosophy, humanity, or spirituality. So that comes down to about... Three people. My other friend is Buddhist. So that leaves me and her.

I notice a problem. Judging by the fact that you are “in school,” it is impossible for a reasonably attractive chick to not be attracted to you in a non-physical way. You see, most attractive chicks aren’t capable of fooling themselves into thinking that a guy is good looking because of his money or whatever her measure of success is until she’s at least in her twenties.
That means that she either isn't attracted to you at all, or she wants your dick, which won't go over well seeing as you are currently pretending to be asexual.

Edit: Oh, and yeah, it is impossible to have a healthy romantic relationship without sex.

HA HA HA HA! Good one.

Any girl (or guy) who would be attracted to me because of my brains is probably a prep who doesn't want to ruin her reputation amongst the other preps by hanging out with "The Trenchcoat Kid". Emos, well, they obviously don't care about brains. And "gangstas" aren't attractive at all... Nerds/Geeks/Dorks are more concerned about their little troops than the rest of the school, like my little troop.

HA HA HA HA! Good one.

Any girl (or guy) who would be attracted to me because of my brains is probably a prep who doesn't want to ruin her reputation amongst the other preps by hanging out with "The Trenchcoat Kid". Emos, well, they obviously don't care about brains. And "gangstas" aren't attractive at all... Nerds/Geeks/Dorks are more concerned about their little troops than the rest of the school, like my little troop.
I don’t think you understood what I said. There is no way that a reasonably attractive chick is going to be attracted to you in high school. You aren’t a prep and you resort to wearing a trench-coat, so you’re probably not attractive.
No matter what they say, any chicks you hang out with wishes they were with the preppy guys.
There isn't any motivation for a chick to be with any unattractive guy because money, power and certainly responsibly just don't have that many benefits at that age.

I especially like this little bit:
Any girl (or guy) who would be attracted to me because of my brains is probably a prep who doesn't want to ruin her reputation amongst the other preps by hanging out with "The Trenchcoat Kid".
The fact that you think that this is even a possibility is hilarious.

Come to my school. You will be suprised. There is very few people at my school that aren't either a "gangsta", an emo, a prep, or a complete and total freak (and that's saying it's BAD). Any of the nerds/geeks/dorks there are either anime/manga geeks, gaming nerds who don't care about anything past their computer or console, or dorks who are just plain annoying. There's not one person at that school, besides my close friends, who actually give a shit about politics, philosophy, humanity, or spirituality. So that comes down to about... Three people. My other friend is Buddhist. So that leaves me and her.

Doesn't sound like a very fun school to me if cliques are as pervasive as you say, but is it the only high school in the area? Or are all teenagers in your area aside from you and your two friends as stereotypical as you say the ones at your school are?

I haven't noticed that much of a clique system at my school. I mean, there are groups, but most of the people aren't exactly stereotypical as the school you describe, especially not in the higher-level classes.


besides im pretty shure you made up asexuality in the way you use it because that would mean that you could defuse and create exact copys of your self!

He's not making the term up, and although the way he is using it is debatable, it's been used like this before.

Wikipedia article about Asexuality (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asexuality)

I don’t think you understood what I said. There is no way that a reasonably attractive chick is going to be attracted to you in high school. You aren’t a prep and you resort to wearing a trench-coat, so you’re probably not attractive.
No matter what they say, any chicks you hang out with wishes they were with the preppy guys.
There isn't any motivation for a chick to be with any unattractive guy because money, power and certainly responsibly just don't have that many benefits at that age.

I especially like this little bit:

The fact that you think that this is even a possibility is hilarious.

OH. I thought you said I DID have a chance. Yeah, I'm pretty much screwed besides the girl in discussion.

Come to my school. You will be suprised. There is very few people at my school that aren't either a "gangsta", an emo, a prep, or a complete and total freak (and that's saying it's BAD). Any of the nerds/geeks/dorks there are either anime/manga geeks, gaming nerds who don't care about anything past their computer or console, or dorks who are just plain annoying. There's not one person at that school, besides my close friends, who actually give a shit about politics, philosophy, humanity, or spirituality. So that comes down to about... Three people. My other friend is Buddhist. So that leaves me and her.

Who are the "freaks"?

Who are the "freaks"?

To put it simply, those that not even a mother could love.

To put it simply, those that not even a mother could love.

Or, to put it even more simply, anyone who you can't pigeonhole into a category.

OH. I thought you said I DID have a chance. Yeah, I'm pretty much screwed besides the girl in discussion.
What I’m saying is that even there you’re screwed, unless of course the girl in question is ugly. Then she’ll just pretend she’s with one of the preps.

Or, to put it even more simply, anyone who you can't pigeonhole into a category.

Yeah, essentially. Still hate 'em for one reason or another.

What I’m saying is that even there you’re screwed, unless of course the girl in question is ugly. Then she’ll just pretend she’s with one of the preps.

Dude, she already wants to be with me. It's just that (before) I wouldn't do any physical contact with her. And, at least what common sense tells me, she's not ugly.

Doesn't sound like a very fun school to me if cliques are as pervasive as you say, but is it the only high school in the area? Or are all teenagers in your area aside from you and your two friends as stereotypical as you say the ones at your school are?

I haven't noticed that much of a clique system at my school. I mean, there are groups, but most of the people aren't exactly stereotypical as the school you describe, especially not in the higher-level classes.

Well, not everyone is stereotypical. Just most people. The ones that aren't I usually have some reason to hate for one reason or another. And there are other High Schools, but why ask that question?

Dude, she already wants to be with me. It's just that (before) I wouldn't do any physical contact with her. And, at least what common sense tells me, she's not ugly.
She probably is. I’ve seen far too many guys trick themselves into thinking ugly chicks were attractive out of desperation. Poor sons o’ bitches.

She probably is. I’ve seen far too many guys trick themselves into thinking ugly chicks were attractive out of desperation. Poor sons o’ bitches.

No, she is. Besides, haven't I already said that I don't care what she looks like? She could be the most beautiful person or the ugliest. I don't really care.

No, she is. Besides, haven't I already said that I don't care what she looks like? She could be the most beautiful person or the ugliest. I don't really care.
And I don't beleive you. If someone were really asexual, they wouldn’t have any drive to be romantically involved, period. Besides, if you aren’t fucking, then you’re just friends anyway. Why do want to complicate things, unless you enjoy doing so?

And I don't beleive you. If someone were really asexual, they wouldn’t have any drive to be romantically involved, period. Besides, if you aren’t fucking, then you’re just friends anyway. Why do want to complicate things, unless you enjoy doing so?

Listen, I've come to an agreement with myself that I would indeed engage in physical contact with her in order to keep her happy. I'll be hating it, but it's needed to keep her happy.

Listen, I've come to an agreement with myself that I would indeed engage in physical contact with her in order to keep her happy. I'll be hating it, but it's needed to keep her happy.
Has anyone ever told you that you suck at being a man?

I've known people who've been married for twenty years and yet have never had sex. They have a wonderful, loving relationship, just not the physical aspect (If you've seen the Health Channel's thing on that incredibly fat man, he was unable to have sex as he was to....big. However thats besides the point!).


So yes: It is possible.

And I don't beleive you. If someone were really asexual, they wouldn’t have any drive to be romantically involved, period. Besides, if you aren’t fucking, then you’re just friends anyway. Why do want to complicate things, unless you enjoy doing so?

That isn't true at all man. You don't have to bang a girl to show you love her.

AND I AM A MAN. And I'm just as good a man as you are.


(Now granted, I happen to like the physical aspect of love...hehehe...but I'm just saying in his defense ;))

I've known people who've been married for twenty years and yet have never had sex. They have a wonderful, loving relationship, just not the physical aspect (If you've seen the Health Channel's thing on that incredibly fat man, he was unable to have sex as he was to....big. However thats besides the point!).
It's called a loveless marriage, chief.

That isn't true at all man. You don't have to bang a girl to show you love her.
No, but why else would you go through with such a huge emotional investment? It's like spending all your money on stocks that you never intend to trade in.

No, but why else would you go through with such a huge emotional investment? It's like spending all your money on stocks that you never intend to trade in.

lol, like I said, I'm only arguing that it's possible.


Never said that the horizontal mombo was not generally part of the deal either!

It's called a loveless marriage, chief.

Not necessarily either: Both were very happy. Sex just wasn't physically possible, but both were content without!


I guess thats a one in a million relationship (and frankly, I wouldn't be so willing to absinate :D)

So what Undelia? Is the point of a relationship just to bang now? Because that's what it seems that you're saying.

So what Undelia? Is the point of a relationship just to bang now?
Yes. Otherwise, what's the point?

Yes. Otherwise, what's the point?

Out of my thread. NOW.

Out of my thread. NOW.
My attitude towards human relationships and my beliefs about them are just as valid as anyone else’s.

Yes. Otherwise, what's the point?

No. No it isn't. Come back when you've grown up man.

No. No it isn't. Come back when you've grown up man.
Pfft. I was going to go watch last night's The Office on Tivo anyway.

this thread is laughable. either your crazy,you have a severe medical problem or you have convinced yourself into beliving a false orentation.
or maby i just cannot comprehend asexuality

To put it simply, those that not even a mother could love.

That really doesn't tell me anything than your description of them as "freaks" did before.

If you consider that The Nazz and I fight like a nasty old couple that has been married for 35 years, the answer must be Yes.

Naliitr, how would the romantic relationship that you want distinguish itself from the friendship that you already have? Honest question.

Naliitr, how would the romantic relationship that you want distinguish itself from the friendship that you already have? Honest question.
It wouldn’t. That’s why this whole thing is ridiculous.

Well, not everyone is stereotypical. Just most people. The ones that aren't I usually have some reason to hate for one reason or another. And there are other High Schools, but why ask that question?

I just asked because that means that there are other students your age besides the students at your school, because you said that it would be unlikely to find someone with similar views to yours, and I wanted to point out that, if there are other schools in the area, then there are other students you don't know who might hold similar views as you.

I hope that, if you truly want a romantic relationship, it works out for you. I kind of gave up on ever having one a long while ago. One difference is that no one has ever been interested in me, though.

Well, I feel really bad for forcing another "love" problem on you guys, since you already have about three going right now. But yeah. (omissis)

1.Asexual? Does it mean you're a robot or a kind of hymenopter, like a worker ant? Usually Homines Sapientes are either male or female.

2.The "love without sex between two people who're not of the same family" thing you're referring to is called "friendship" by english-speaking people (latin: "amicitia", whose root is the same of "amor", "love").

Naliitr, how would the romantic relationship that you want distinguish itself from the friendship that you already have? Honest question.

It wouldn't, really. But now it's what she wants. And her romantic relationship would involve physical expressionings (yes I know that STILL isn't a word) of love. I'm going to do that entirely for her sake.

1.Asexual? Does it mean you're a robot or a kind of hymenopter, like a worker ant? Usually Homines Sapientes are either male or female.

2.The "love without sex between two people who're not of the same family" thing you're referring to is called "friendship" by english-speaking people (latin: "amicitia", whose root is the same of "amor", "love").

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/asexuality

Yes, but I've come to a conclusion that I will be physically affection towards her for her sake.

Before I respond to one more post, let me ask you all.

Why do you think that my asexuality is somehow "dangerous" and that I should see a counsoler to get rid of it?

I for one don't.

I've been celibate for more than a decade now (in my 40's.)
As a teen, I felt very much like you seem to: the point is reproduction, and I don't want to do that.
I was a late starter (20) and I tried a bit a of everything. "You never know 'til you have a go" was my attitude.

I don't claim to be asexual. I have sexual urges, but I judge the emotional consequences, and the loss of sovereignty, to not be worth the gratification of sex.

I warn you: being celibate (let alone 'asexual') is the royal road to social isolation. People may not ask directly, but your sexual role is a very important factor in feeling that they know you, in being able to predict your behaviour, and therefore trusting you.

A lot of people will ask you "why?" and then not believe any answer you give.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/asexuality

Yes, but I've come to a conclusion that I will be physically affection towards her for her sake.

For her sake, talk to her. If you care for her, love her as you percieve love to be, whether that's talking about shared interests, playing mind games with each other, or picking nits out of each other's hair.
It might be ten years before anyone shows her any love other than sex. This year, she might tell everyone you're weird, but that will let any girl who likes what you like know where you're at. Could be worth it!

It wouldn't kill you to kiss her though.

EDIT: I just saw the timestamps, and the Offline symbol below Naliitr's last post. I guess he's made a decision. Damn I'm glad I didn't have friends like you when I was fourteen.

No offence mate, but you do seem a bit self-inflated. The fact that you think you can "reason" yourself out of your sexual desire only shows that you know squat about "human nature". So either you've got a hormonal problem, or you're just fooling yourself.

Go see a doctor, a shrink, but in any case, leave the poor girl out of your little civil war. She'll get over you pretty soon, and she'll resume her normal growth.

For her sake, talk to her. If you care for her, love her as you percieve love to be, whether that's talking about shared interests, playing mind games with each other, or picking nits out of each other's hair.
It might be ten years before anyone shows her any love other than sex. This year, she might tell everyone you're weird, but that will let any girl who likes what you like know where you're at. Could be worth it!

It wouldn't kill you to kiss her though.

EDIT: I just saw the timestamps, and the Offline symbol below Naliitr's last post. I guess he's made a decision. Damn I'm glad I didn't have friends like you when I was fourteen.

Actually, I see her only at school. So monday will be the be-all end-all for our relationship. And what do you mean you by the last sentence?

Go see a doctor, a shrink, but in any case, leave the poor girl out of your little civil war. She'll get over you pretty soon, and she'll resume her normal growth.

I would enjoy doing so, but she wants to be with me. Nothing I can do to keep her away either.

Actually, I see her only at school. So monday will be the be-all end-all for our relationship. And what do you mean you by the last sentence?

only that he/she likes the physical nature of the relationship.

oh and just a warning. I was like that also. not into the physcial side duing High School... be warned... the urge will hit you. it may take years, but it will hit you. ;)

I would enjoy doing so, but she wants to be with me. Nothing I can do to keep her away either.

Tell her you're gay.

It wouldn't, really. But now it's what she wants. And her romantic relationship would involve physical expressionings (yes I know that STILL isn't a word) of love. I'm going to do that entirely for her sake.
I see. Okay, here's the thing. This relationship you're describing sounds like it's going to be a bad idea for both of you. It's not fair to her because the physical affection from you is going to be forced, and in the back of her mind she's always going to know that (if you explained it all to her). Now, maybe it's just me, but I know I would never want to be in that position. It would just be awkward, and give me false hope that maybe I would be the one to change his mind. For you, it's not fair because if you're truly asexual and haven't merely talked yourself into it, it forces you to do something you don't want to. A bit like a gay man marrying a woman; it's not really what he wants but he knows it will make her happy. Only thing is, in the end it won't make her happy. Emotion can't be faked, and you'll both catch on to that eventually.

I know you want to make her happy and not disappoint her; that's part and parcel of being a good friend. But you shouldn't compromise yourself and your beliefs in the process of doing so, which is exactly what this would be.