NationStates Jolt Archive

Theres no advice, like free advice, and like the cherry on a hot fudge sundae, what could be better than free advice from a sasquatch?

Why would I want to get advice from a sasquatch, you say?

Becuase a sasquatch is not very likely to give you any advice that is useful, insightful, or deeply meaningful, beyond some chaotic ramblings, and zingy one-liners.

You want the other kind, go find Dear Abbey.

Who would like to be first?



*With a Special thanks to Big Jim P, for the recommendation.
Thou Doth Rock.

Ooh! Ooh! Me!

Okay, Mr. Sasquatch, here is my question:

How do you get caramel out of pubic hair? :(

Ooh! Ooh! Me!

Okay, Mr. Sasquatch, here is my question:

How do you get caramel out of pubic hair? :(


I recommend using duct-tape, and some turtle wax, for that year-round shine!

I recommend using duct-tape, and some turtle wax, for that year-round shine!

Reminds me of one time I had too much to drink and fell asleep with my shoes on( a breach of etiquette in my circle of friends, punishable in horrible ways).

Reminds me of one time I had too much to drink and fell asleep with my shoes on( a breach of etiquette in my circle of friends, punishable in horrible ways).

Always best to eliminate any permanent markers, scissors, electric razors, carrots, whipped cream, nail polish, and sea bass from your home when inviting friends like that over for a few drinks.

How does one overcome adversity, against all odds and against the opinons and beliefs of their friends and peers?

How does one overcome adversity, against all odds and against the opinons and beliefs of their friends and peers?

Plead your case naked as the day you were born.

That way, your close friends will be too uncomfortable to give good arguements.

If needed, break into a naked Hurkey-Jerkey dance, with your ass-cheeks akimbo.

That will surely break thier concentration.

Plead your case naked as the day you were born.

That way, your close friends will be too uncomfortable to give good arguements.

If needed, break into a naked Hurkey-Jerkey dance, with your ass-cheeks akimbo.

That will surely break thier concentration.

I can vouch for this piece of advice. :)

heres a joke one

dear sir how do i stop my gun form firing

how does one overcome the innate shyness which prohibits them from pleading their case naked as the day you were born?

I can vouch for this piece of advice. :)

The Force is strong with this one.

how does one overcome the innate shyness which prohibits them from pleading their case naked as the day you were born?

Liquor.

heres a joke one

dear sir how do i stop my gun form firing

Find the nearest dance supply store, and buy a frilly punk tu-tu, and some tap shoes.

Unload the weapon, and attempt to beat an angry gorrila to death while humming "Nearer my God to Thee".

It will never work properly again.

Come to think of it.... you wont either.

where do clouds come from and where do they go?

Find the nearest dance supply store, and buy a frilly punk tu-tu, and some tap shoes.

Unload the weapon, and attempt to beat an angry gorrila to death while humming "Nearer my God to Thee".

It will never work properly again.

Come to think of it.... you wont either.

ha ha :D i like that

*takes the advice,now siting on cloud 9
asks "what happen did i win "

where do clouds come from and where do they go?

Well the thing is, clouds are notoriously stupid, and often get lost very easy.
It might be becuase theyre brains are mainly comprised of water vapor, but clouds are generally considered to be so dumb, as to send money to Scientologists.

Occasionally they get lost and end up squatting in Carly Simons coffee.

How can I keep better track of my underpants?

How can I keep better track of my underpants?

I reccomend not changing them, until they can be stuck to the wall, or bedpost, for safe keeping.
That way, you'll always know where to find them.

What are the differences between sasquatches yetis aboninable snowmen and yowlies.

Also is the plural of bigfoot bigfeet or bigfoots?

What are the differences between sasquatches yetis aboninable snowmen and yowlies.

Also is the plural of bigfoot bigfeet or bigfoots?

Sasquatches are primarily North American, and although living in temperate climates, absolutely despise cold weather, especially driving in it.

Yetis are too stupid to come indoors when its cold.

Aboninable snowmen are often like Abominable snowmen, only anatomimacally correct.

And "Yowlies" are what you get the next morning from eating far too many hot peppers, in a bad mexican burrito, and cheap beer.

and we prefer "Follicly Challenged", or "Big-feetseses."

Aboninable snowmen are often like Abominable snowmen, only anatomimacally correct.



If I ever fimd the bastard who put the m right mext to the n om the keyboard I'n pumchimg hin right im his danm mose!

How do you pick up girls who don't speak english?

How do you pick up girls who don't speak english?
There's a defence for you: "I just thought she was enjoying it, Officer..."

How do you pick up girls who don't speak english?

Ruffies are the international friendship drug.

Nothing says "I love you" like slippin' a mickey.

How does one deal with being completely unorganized?

How does one deal with being completely unorganized?

1. Bury Jimmy Hoffas body in some quiet location and never tell.

2.Stash all the money you make from being a Knockaround Guy.
That way, if you ever make Captian, and get nailed by the Feds, you got some reserve cash to get your wife and kids by until you get out of the joint.

I've got a horrible,crush, and I can't get the smell of the girl's purfume out of my head! Whatever shall I do O' noble one who crushes sandals.

I've got a horrible,crush, and I can't get the smell of the girl's purfume out of my head! Whatever shall I do O' noble one who crushes sandals.

Get yourself a small bit of the perfume.

Next, dab a decent amount on a cloth.

Stand very close to any solid door, and repeatedly slam it closed, with your "member" tragically caught within.

Everytime you smell the cloth...Mr Happy gets a trashin'.

Repeat several times daily.

Aversion therapy!

Get yourself a small bit of the perfume.

Next, dab a decent amount on a cloth.

Stand very close to any solid door, and repeatedly slam it closed, with your "member" tragically caught within.

Everytime you smell the cloth...Mr Happy gets a trashin'.

Repeat several times daily.

Aversion therapy!

O' thank you, wise man of the mountains.

O' thank you, wise man of the mountains.

Here to help!

Just how much of my liver do I need and who can I sell the rest to?

Just how much of my liver do I need and who can I sell the rest to?

The liver is the organ of the Communist sympathizer.
Clearly, it is the liver that is the biggest threat to democracy and freedom.

Why do you hate freedom?

Besides, you know that ass-like smell whenever you encounter someone cooking liver and onions?

Its Gods way of saying: "here thar be cooking ass."

I'm planning a trip to the Pacific Northwest, where I plan to go trophy hunting. Would a crossbow suffice in bringing down a large, 'follically challenged' primate, or should I stick with my trusty AR-15 ?:sniper:

Theres no advice, like free advice, and like the cherry on a hot fudge sundae, what could be better than free advice from a sasquatch?

Why would I want to get advice from a sasquatch, you say?

Becuase a sasquatch is not very likely to give you any advice that is useful, insightful, or deeply meaningful, beyond some chaotic ramblings, and zingy one-liners.

You want the other kind, go find Dear Abbey.

Who would like to be first?



*With a Special thanks to Big Jim P, for the recommendation.
Thou Doth Rock.Dear Mr. Sasquatch...

what would I use to get the burrs and snarls outta my hair when I don't have a comb?


Bad Hair.

How do I get the printer and photocopier at work to stop hating me, o' great Sasquatch?

why is my belly-button fluff always the same colour no matter what colour of clothes i've been wearing?

What would you say to people who don't want to live anymore?

What's it like to have sex with a sasquatch, and how could I go about doing so?

I'm planning a trip to the Pacific Northwest, where I plan to go trophy hunting. Would a crossbow suffice in bringing down a large, 'follically challenged' primate, or should I stick with my trusty AR-15 ?:sniper:

Fortunatly, Squatches are immune to coventional weapons.
Thus, you need an UN-conventional weapon.

Like a hamster throwing star.

Made with real hamster.

Dear Mr. Sasquatch...

what would I use to get the burrs and snarls outta my hair when I don't have a comb?


Bad Hair.

Well, if youre me, I'd use a garden rake.

If you cant find a garden rake, I suggest a porcupine.

How do I get the printer and photocopier at work to stop hating me, o' great Sasquatch?

First, you must establish dominance over it, like it were an unruly dog.

Hump it.

What would you say to people who don't want to live anymore?

"Can I have your stuff when you die?"

why is my belly-button fluff always the same colour no matter what colour of clothes i've been wearing?

Belly-Button Gnomes.

They prefer earthy grayish tones.

Its a common misconception that Belly-Button gnomes have good fashion sense.

What's it like to have sex with a sasquatch, and how could I go about doing so?

Leave 25 dollars on the dresser, like everyone else.

Me luv u long time.

Leave 25 dollars on the dresser, like everyone else.

Me luv u long time.Ooh, that's $5 less than I had to pay Nessie. Deal!

I was having sex with my friends wife. He came in and caught us and now he's really mad just because I came on his side of the bed and wiped my dick off on his pillow. Do you think he'll ever get over it? How can I get him to not be so mad? :confused:

Ooh, that's $5 less than I had to pay Nessie. Deal!

Thats becuase Nessie has Loch Ness Crabs.

The harlot.

I was having sex with my friends wife. He came in and caught us and now he's really mad just because I came on his side of the bed and wiped my dick off on his pillow. Do you think he'll ever get over it? How can I get him to not be so mad? :confused:

Offer to have sex with him as well.

That way, he has nothing to be jealous about.
Dont give me that "i dont swing like that" business....you should have thought about that before you nailed his wife.

O' noble creature of the wooded northwest. I beseech thee, how can I get a girl who's probably a fundie to like me?

When I see posts by someone who sez stuff I really really hate cuz he's mean and likes murder and George Bush and stuff, should I report him to Da Mods first or call him bad names first cuz he pisses me off and he deserves it?

O' noble creature of the wooded northwest. I beseech thee, how can I get a girl who's probably a fundie to like me?

1. grow long hair, and beard.
2. quit your job.
3. wear a lot of white.
4. talk a lot about peace and love.
5 hang out with 11 other guys.

Oh wait...did you say Fundie?

1. Tell her how much you hate those dirty homos.
2. and catholics.
3. and everyone else who isnt a Fundie.

When I see posts by someone who sez stuff I really really hate cuz he's mean and likes murder and George Bush and stuff, should I report him to Da Mods first or call him bad names first cuz he pisses me off and he deserves it?

Thats a good question.

Personally, I would try to debate him, and if that fails, find out where he lives and release 300 rabid weasels into his home.

But dont flame....thats bad.

Death by rabid weasels is preferable to breaking forum rules.

(This mesage paid for by the NS Moderator Staff)

1. Tell her how much you hate those dirty homos.
2. and catholics.
3. and everyone else who isnt a Fundie.

So... lie?

So... lie?

Whatever it takes to "assault the gate".

Oh great Sasquatch...

I was recently bitten by a horde of flying badgers. What should I do?

<Absolutely not a joke, I'm in agony>

Fortunatly, Squatches are immune to coventional weapons.
Thus, you need an UN-conventional weapon.

Like a hamster throwing star.

Made with real hamster.

But remember, when constructing and using said weapon... the Rodent Alliance is watching you!

Thats a good question.

Personally, I would try to debate him, and if that fails, find out where he lives and release 300 rabid weasels into his home.

But dont flame....thats bad.

Death by rabid weasels is preferable to breaking forum rules.

(This mesage paid for by the NS Moderator Staff)

Indeed. The only things worse than breaking forum rules are breaking game rules and annoying the Mods, and the part about the game rules is debatable.

So tell me, O Wise One of the Woods: What is the true path to enlightenment, and should I write my paper for philosophy class about it?

Oh great Sasquatch...

I was recently bitten by a horde of flying badgers. What should I do?

<Absolutely not a joke, I'm in agony>

You poor soul!

I have a friend who was assaulted by a horde of Flying Badgers.
The poor guy was nearly torn to ribbons.

In fact, he would have been, if he hadnt recited the ancient spell to ward them off.

I will be generous and teach you this spell.

First, you'll need a candle, a chicken (or the blood) a small knife, one medium sized tub of pure hog-fat, and three freshly shaven squirrels.

With the knife, draw a circle around you.
Grease yourself up with the hog fat.
Light the candle, and pour a lttle chicken blood into it.

Now, begin juggling the naked squirrels while facing east, while reciting the magic words.

"I am sofa king. Re: Todd Ed."

Say it ten times, each a little faster.

This will protect you against future Flying Badger attacks.

Be very careful not to harm the squirrels, though. The Rodent Alliance is watching you, too.

But remember, when constructing and using said weapon... the Rodent Alliance is watching you!

Rodent Alliance, you say?

I thought you folks were ready to hibernate..its nearly october.
If not...you better disregard the above part pertaining to squirrels.



Indeed. The only things worse than breaking forum rules are breaking game rules and annoying the Mods, and the part about the game rules is debatable.

Until I cash the check..Im afraid I have to disagree with you.
Im worried that it will bounce. (Those guys dont make much).



So tell me, O Wise One of the Woods: What is the true path to enlightenment, and should I write my paper for philosophy class about it?

The way to enlightenment, is US10 to the Bay City Rd exit, and then hang a left, and follow it down to the first intersection, at the corner, will be Bone Daddy's BBQ.
Order the "Fat Man" and I recommend the seasoned fries as a side.

...that, and selflessness, and inner peace.

If I were to... hypothetically... impregnate a she-quatch, how would I convince the parents I was going to do the honorable thing before they ate me?

If I were to... hypothetically... impregnate a she-quatch, how would I convince the parents I was going to do the honorable thing before they ate me?

Well, first, its not "She-Quatch".

Its "Squatchette".
Lets be PC here...

Next, if per-se you did impregnate a squatchette, the honorable thing to do, would be Sepukku.

Female sasquatches are, after all, big and hairy, and not very attractive.

However, since the parents ARE squatches...they can be bribed with doom-metal, (preferably Black Sabbath) and weed.

Good luck!

Hibernation varies depending on location and species. Down here in the tunnels, for example, the temperature doesn't change as much as it does up on the surface. Also, the RA has members and allies that do just fine in cold weather. More than a few of us are approaching hibernation, though.

Thanks for the directions!

Hibernation varies depending on location and species. Down here in the tunnels, for example, the temperature doesn't change as much as it does up on the surface. Also, the RA has members and allies that do just fine in cold weather. More than a few of us are approaching hibernation, though.

Thanks for the directions!

Your welcome.

Did I mention that the BBQ place constantly wins national awards for thier food?

I said "Enlightenment" and I meant it.

Well, first, its not "She-Quatch".

Its "Squatchette".
Lets be PC here...

Next, if per-se you did impregnate a squatchette, the honorable thing to do, would be Sepukku.

Female sasquatches are, after all, big and hairy, and not very attractive.

However, since the parents ARE squatches...they can be bribed with doom-metal, (preferably Black Sabbath) and weed.

Good luck!

Ah. Good to know.

Well, you did now. I definitely look forward to trying it out.

Well, first, its not "She-Quatch".

Its "Squatchette".
Lets be PC here...

Next, if per-se you did impregnate a squatchette, the honorable thing to do, would be Sepukku.

Female sasquatches are, after all, big and hairy, and not very attractive.

However, since the parents ARE squatches...they can be bribed with doom-metal, (preferably Black Sabbath) and weed.

Good luck!

Also I think it is prudent to mention that you should never ever tease a baby squatch if he can reach rocks! (http://www.biteycastle.com/littleFoot.html)

Also I think it is prudent to mention that you should never ever tease a baby squatch if he can reach rocks! (http://www.biteycastle.com/littleFoot.html)

Or yer nutsack.

Dear Squatch,

I am supposed to be writing yet another Philosophy Paper on a bunch of Dead Greek guys for tommorow morning (now only about 5 hours away), but, to be honest, I find the dust settling on my text books to be more interesting and informative than Socrates could ever hope to be. So, rather than getting my work done I am currently posting on a shady message board dedicated to hardcore, political pornography.
My question is this: When attempting to blackmail one's proffesor, is it more polite to threaten their pets or loved ones?

Thanks in advancatia.

Dear Squatch,

I am supposed to be writing yet another Philosophy Paper on a bunch of Dead Greek guys for tommorow morning (now only about 5 hours away), but, to be honest, I find the dust settling on my text books to be more interesting and informative than Socrates could ever hope to be. So, rather than getting my work done I am currently posting on a shady message board dedicated to hardcore, political pornography.
My question is this: When attempting to blackmail one's proffesor, is it more polite to threaten their pets or loved ones?

Thanks in advancatia.

I the case of most college professors...the answer is usually one in the same, if you know what I mean...

Wink-wink..say no more, say no more.....

I need to take a shower, but this is much more interesting, should I sacrifice sleep, or NS? (Keep in mind I'm off school till monday)

I need to take a shower, but this is much more interesting, should I sacrifice sleep, or NS? (Keep in mind I'm off school till monday)

You'll have plenty of time to sleep when your dead.

You'll have plenty of time to sleep when your dead.

my thoughts exactly.

my thoughts exactly.

Besides...you can catch up on sleep in math classes.

Besides...you can catch up on sleep in math classes.

I'm horrible at math... probably for that reason.

I'm horrible at math... probably for that reason.

Heh..me too.

Offer to have sex with him as well.

That way, he has nothing to be jealous about.
Dont give me that "i dont swing like that" business....you should have thought about that before you nailed his wife.

Just wanted to let you know that I took your advice and let him pop me in the fart tank and now everything's okay! :) I'm glad I came across your advice thread! I'll be sure to check in after I fuck his dog!

Just wanted to let you know that I took your advice and let him pop me in the fart tank and now everything's okay! :) I'm glad I came across your advice thread! I'll be sure to check in after I fuck his dog!

Excellent!

Hes happy. Youre happy, and Fido's gonna be real unhappy.

Everything seems to have worked out well!

I have a problem. Windows takes way too long to download shit and WMP keeps suggesting I copy protect my music.

Dear Squatch,

Sometimes I forget to call my friends and they drift away on a barge with all the other things I should do but do not. What can I do?

I have a problem. Windows takes way too long to download shit and WMP keeps suggesting I copy protect my music.

1. Get an old preist and a young priest.

2. DL Winamp.

Dear Squatch,

Sometimes I forget to call my friends and they drift away on a barge with all the other things I should do but do not. What can I do?

Do not drift through life with a detached mind.
Focus on the here and now, and keep that wich is important, close to you.

Or..

Sink the barge, and sell floatation devices.

Squatch: Is it possible to spend your free time anywhere else but NSG? I have tried, and It never seems to work.

Squatch: Is it possible to spend your free time anywhere else but NSG? I have tried, and It never seems to work.

If you get a frontal lobotomy, you might watch more NASCAR. :)

If you get a frontal lobotomy, you might watch more NASCAR. :)

Mmmm, frontal lobotomy...:fluffle:

Squatch: Is it possible to spend your free time anywhere else but NSG? I have tried, and It never seems to work.

*Looks at own post-count*

Hmm...

Nope.

Your stuck here.
Might as well get comfortable.

If you get a frontal lobotomy, you might watch more NASCAR. :)

It would take a full frontal lobotomy to get me to watch NASCAR.

Do not drift through life with a detached mind.
Focus on the here and now, and keep that wich is important, close to you.

Or..

Sink the barge, and sell floatation devices.I can't seem to do the first, and I'm not manipulative enough for the second. I need training.

Dear Sir/Madam/Undecided

how do i go about annexing poland without recruiting baby hitler and without the UN crunching my arse?

Thou Dost Rock.

[/grammar]

Dear Mr. Sasquatch,

This isn't really an advice question, rather I have a philosophical question. I know the answer to 'Why?', but can you tell me the answer to "What?"

Thanks.

Dear Mr. Sasquatch,

This isn't really an advice question, rather I have a philosophical question. I know the answer to 'Why?', but can you tell me the answer to "What?"

Thanks.

"That"

Youre welcome.

Dear Mr. Sasquatch,

This isn't really an advice question, rather I have a philosophical question. I know the answer to 'Why?', but can you tell me the answer to "What?"

Thanks.

Even I, a folically challenged man-wich, can answer that one.

*fap*fap*fap

EDIT: Wow, thats timing.

I can't seem to do the first, and I'm not manipulative enough for the second. I need training.

In times like these I refer to "WWDVD".

"What would Darth Vader Do".

Lets say youre making a big deal with some Columbian drug lords, and you think they just ripped you off.
Youre very angry, and want the deal to go down fairly.

"WWDVD?"

Kill everyone in the room, take the money and the stuff, and get back to your ship.


See?

Now youre on your way!

Good luck!

Dear Sir/Madam/Undecided

how do i go about annexing poland without recruiting baby hitler and without the UN crunching my arse?

As for Baby Hitler, tell him you only recruit people capable of growing a FULL mustache.
That excludes him nicely.

As for the UN crunching ass...They are much like the Campbell's soup company.
It may SAY its "Chicken Noodle", but they havent actually killed a chicken in years.

[/grammar]

*Adds you to the list of people who shall be sent to the salt mines, when the Revolution comes.

Dear sir,

Why do black men have larger penises than me?

Love,
Zilam

Dear sir,

Why do black men have larger penises than me?

Love,
Zilam

The Penis, is where the Soul is found, see.

This is why Black Men have larger penises
They simply have more soul.

Take Motown for instance.

Almost every one of the musicians and singers (with the exceptions of Joe Messina, and Bruce Babbit) were black.
They all had humungous penises.

White folks can sing Soul, but it just never really compares, does it?

Now....try listening to an Asian sing "Aint to Proud to Beg".

Tsk.

The Penis, is where the Soul is found, see.

This is why Black Men have larger penises
They simply have more soul.

Take Motown for instance.

Almost every one of the musicians and singers (with the exceptions of Joe Messina, and Bruce Babbit) were black.
They all had humungous penises.

White folks can sing Soul, but it just never really compares, does it?

Now....try listening to an Asian sing "Aint to Proud to Beg".

Tsk.

You get a gold star for the day :)

You get a gold star for the day :)

Woot!

ALL YOUR GOLD STARS ARE.....eh, screw it.

Well, if youre me, I'd use a garden rake.

If you cant find a garden rake, I suggest a porcupine.

Damn.. .no wonder... I was using a hedgehog...

Damn.. .no wonder... I was using a hedgehog...

Only use a hedgehog, if you dont have an Italian Plumber.

Dear Mr. Sasquatch:

My Italian plumber philosophised that the "What", the "Why", and the "Sasquette" were all Black men. My question is, how does he detach the hedgehog?

Yours,
Mr. Unoriginal.

Noble furred man-thing! I humble request an answer for my simple question. Why am I obsessed with anime?

Dear Mr. Sasquatch:

My Italian plumber philosophised that the "What", the "Why", and the "Sasquette" were all Black men. My question is, how does he detach the hedgehog?

Yours,
Mr. Unoriginal.


With help from his slimmer, green wearing "brother".

Also, I have school on monday, should I start my homework now, or put it off till sunday?

I need more excitement at work. How do I go about making the cashiers work topless?

Noble furred man-thing! I humble request an answer for my simple question. Why am I obsessed with anime?

Becuase the Japanese have invented a mind control device, and everytime you watch anime, it incubates the alien spawn in your brain.
The spawn releases various chemicals to induce pleasure.
Eventually, a 10 foot tall alien resembling Carrie Fisher will leap out of your head, and seek a mate.

Also, I have school on monday, should I start my homework now, or put it off till sunday?

Never put off anything now, that you can put off tomorrow.

I need more excitement at work. How do I go about making the cashiers work topless?

1. Ruffies.

2. Barry White.

1. Ruffies.

2. Barry White.

I got the ruffies, but where on Earth does a man get ahold of Barry White?

I got the ruffies, but where on Earth does a man get ahold of Barry White?

"My darling I....cant get enough of your love babe. Cant get enough your love.."
-Barry White.

"My darling I....cant get enough of your love babe. Cant get enough your love.."
-Barry White.
I'm familiar with his works, but Martinez isn't.

How much sauce would a Sasquatch watch if a Sasquatch could watch sauce?

I need more excitement at work. How do I go about making the cashiers work topless?

Have you tried monetary incentives and lax dress code enforcement?
I hope you succeed. It would make shopping more pleasant and I'm sure the girls could use the money.:cool:

How do you get rid of jock-itch?

Mr. Sasquatch,
How do you play with ice cream?

How much sauce would a Sasquatch watch if a Sasquatch could watch sauce?

NEVER eat anything called "Squatch Sauce".

Trust me.

How do you get rid of jock-itch?

bleach, and a sandblaster?

Mr. Sasquatch,
How do you play with ice cream?

catapaults, and weasels.

bleach, and a sandblaster?

Will try!

NEVER eat anything called "Squatch Sauce".

Trust me.

I bow to your authority if not experience in this issue.

I bow to your authority if not experience in this issue.

"Its Creamy Sasquatchy Goodness!"

Nope.

It's five AM, I ain't done my homework, what should I do?

It's five AM, I ain't done my homework, what should I do?

I recommend not listening to a sasquatch when he encourages you to procrastinate.

If a sasquatch told you to jump off a bridge, would ya?

I recommend not listening to a sasquatch when he encourages you to procrastinate.

If a sasquatch told you to jump off a bridge, would ya?

... possibly.

... possibly.

Would ya get him a sandwich?

Would ya get him a sandwich?

...Wheat bread or white?

...Wheat bread or white?

Wheat.

Easy on the mayo.

Wheat.

Easy on the mayo.

*runs* *Comes back with*

*runs* *Comes back with*

Excellent.

Now, go make one for yourself.

You'll need to keep up your strength while you finish your homework.

Excellent.

Now, go make one for yourself.

You'll need to keep up your strength while you finish your homework.

I'm actually thinking I'll finish one thing and just go to bed.

I'm actually thinking I'll finish one thing and just go to bed.

*digs through list of commandments*

Lets see...

Murder, yeah..

Envy, got it..

Gluttony...

Here it is!

Sloth!

Apparently, you have to finish your homework, or go to Hell!

Tough choice, but...wadda ya do?

*digs through list of commandments*

Lets see...

Murder, yeah..

Envy, got it..

Gluttony...

Here it is!

Sloth!

Apparently, you have to finish your homework, or go to Hell!

Tough choice, but...wadda ya do?
I'm going to hell anyway for lust.

I'm going to hell anyway for lust.

Hmm...

*checks*

Nope.

That ones not on my list.

:)

Hmm...

*checks*

Nope.

That ones not on my list.

:)

I envy every man who isn't a virgin.

I envy every man who isn't a virgin.

Sometimes, I envy every man who is.

Sometimes, I envy every man who is.

How so?

How so?

Well...

Sometimes you look back at the people youve been with, and think to yourself, "damn..was it really worth it?"

Sex is nice, sure, but it doesnt come without the price.
Relationships can suck at times, and sometimes, you end up wishing that it never happened.

Other times, you think back fondly, becuase the person you were with was worth being around.

Sex can be great, but unless you do it with someone you really care about, it can sometimes be dissapointing in a way.

Especially your first time.


To sum up:

Dont just fuck.
Make love.

Werd.

If I wanted philosophy I would have asked for it:p

If I wanted philosophy I would have asked for it:p

Consider that a freebie.

Everyone gets a free one!

Is there such a thing as a free lunch?

Is there such a thing as a free lunch?

The only time I have ever encountered such was in a titty bar.

With the right coupon, you got in free, and were given a sandwich.

Free sandwich.

and titties.

Whoooo!

Is there something so small that is extremely deadly but purely because of it's size you would brush it aside to your peril?

Is there something so small that is extremely deadly but purely because of it's size you would brush it aside to your peril?

Two things I can think of offhand, although there may be others.

1. Black Jellybeans.

The black jellybeans are the ones no one eats.
Mainly, becuase they taste like shit.
So, figuring that Im not alone, and no one else consumes that foul little things, what happens to all the black jellybeans?

They are amassing.

They are growing in numbers everyday, and someday soon, they will march on the towns and thrown down thier former oppressors, and take over.

I figure, the only way to survive, is to release every black jellybean back into the wild, so that it may remember you, and allow you to live, come the revolution.

2. a tiny microscopic clown.

I like the black ones. Wouldn't it be more effective to eat them anyway?

Should i push the red button?

Should i push the red button?

You mean...this jolly, candy-like button?

This bright, shiny, possibly wonderous button?

What do you suppose it does?

Maaaybe something good...

Maaaybe something bad...

But we'll never know....unless you push it......

I like the black ones. Wouldn't it be more effective to eat them anyway?

You know what flavor black jellybeans are?

Walrus poo.

Why do you suppose theyre black?

You know what flavor black jellybeans are?

Walrus poo.

Why do you suppose theyre black?

A really important question for the Squatch: Exactly how do you know that black jeely beans are walrus poo fllavoured?:eek:

I need actual advice this time....

I did something (read forgot to do something, so by inaction I did something :confused: ) that could very well get my fired today, my boss won't find out until about 2 hours from now, alas 2 hours isn't enough time to fix the problem....

do I call her now and tell her that I messed up?

do I wait until she finds out and confess?

do I try to fix it even though I can't and confess?

what?!

oh, background, the job pays next to nothing (about $30 a week) and I hate it, but it's good for networking for the business I run out of my house, and I spend the $30 a week on things that I want.

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!


Man, my penis hurst when I urinate. What should I do? :confused:

By what method should I install myself as a benevolent dictator of the world?

And should I adopt the title of "Hegemon"?

I cheated on my girlfriend and never told her, should I have?

My family constantly gets on my computer when I'm at school, I've password protected it in the past, but am worried they'll crack m password or just bitch at me. What should I do?

How do I change my preoccupation with nematode cell biology for one with male physiology?

A really important question for the Squatch: Exactly how do you know that black jeely beans are walrus poo fllavoured?:eek:

They told me.

I believed them.

I need actual advice this time....

I did something (read forgot to do something, so by inaction I did something :confused: ) that could very well get my fired today, my boss won't find out until about 2 hours from now, alas 2 hours isn't enough time to fix the problem....

do I call her now and tell her that I messed up?

do I wait until she finds out and confess?

do I try to fix it even though I can't and confess?

what?!

oh, background, the job pays next to nothing (about $30 a week) and I hate it, but it's good for networking for the business I run out of my house, and I spend the $30 a week on things that I want.


1. Can you blame someone else?

2. Can you fix it before anyone notices?

3. Can you get some dirt on your boss, and blackmail them into line?

4. Did anyone see you do it?

If all else fails, admit it, and offer to fix whatever it is you messed up.
If your boss tells you that isnt good enough, remind him you only make 30 bucks a week, and politely remind him/her where they can place the 30 bucks.

Power to the People.

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!


Man, my penis hurst when I urinate. What should I do? :confused:


Wash it...with soap this time!

By what method should I install myself as a benevolent dictator of the world?

And should I adopt the title of "Hegemon"?

Im afraid that position will soon be filled.

By me...


*makes note to send you to work camp.

Uhhh...I mean..

I recommend the wearing of very bright colors...lots of clearly visible, easily noticeable ones....like red.
Yes..ones that are easy to see through rifle sco.......uhh...

What were we talking about?

I cheated on my girlfriend and never told her, should I have?

This is definite "Need to know" stuff.'

Does she really need to know?

Are you sure its even cheating?

It doesnt count if you arent in the same time zone!

My family constantly gets on my computer when I'm at school, I've password protected it in the past, but am worried they'll crack m password or just bitch at me. What should I do?

Hire this guy to guard it.

...If you can find him.


http://www-scf.usc.edu/~foran/Mr.%20T.jpg

How do I change my preoccupation with nematode cell biology for one with male physiology?

Im afraid its not actually a choice?

You were born that way?

I am facing a sexual assault case for making the cashiers work topless. How do I frame the smelly guy from work?

I am facing a sexual assault case for making the cashiers work topless. How do I frame the smelly guy from work?

Tell the police he asked to see your "naughty place".

and put some midget porn in his locker.

Tell the police he asked to see your "naughty place".

and put some midget porn in his locker.
Brilliant

Brilliant

Thanks.

If you see my qualms somewhere, let me know.
I seemed to have misplaced them.

They told me.

I believed them.

I turst you.

I turst you.



Turst No one.

Turst No one.

I trust you. Really. You can trust me on this.:cool:

I trust you. Really. You can trust me on this.:cool:

I believe you.

:)

By the way, is that bridge for sale?

It will go well with my turnip-truck, if I ever find it again....

I believe you.

:)

By the way, is that bridge for sale?

It will go well with my turnip-truck, if I ever find it again....

As a matter of fact, the bridge is for sale. In a strange set of coincidences, each new purchaser consigns it back to me to re-sell it for them.

*whistles innocently*

As a matter of fact, the bridge is for sale. In a strange set of coincidences, each new purchaser consigns it back to me to re-sell it for them.

*whistles innocently*

I'll take it!

Now all I need is a river...and a van!

I'll take it!

Now all I need is a river...and a van!

I don't sell vans but I have three very large rivers in stock today: One in South America, One in the central part of the USA, and One in Egypt. 10 % off for large fortean primates. Buy two, get one free. One day only sale.

I don't sell vans but I have three very large rivers in stock today: One in South America, One in the central part of the USA, and One in Egypt. 10 % off for large fortean primates. Buy two, get one free. One day only sale.

Screw the South American and the Egyptian ones...damn third world parasites, anyway!

I'll take the one in the central US.

Now, instead of the van, I need a big white suit, a steampaddle riverboat, and a Queen Bee.

Now If I can only fake a decent Georgian drawl.

You mean...this jolly, candy-like button?

This bright, shiny, possibly wonderous button?

What do you suppose it does?

Maaaybe something good...

Maaaybe something bad...

But we'll never know....unless you push it......
Will do. :)
*Pushes Red Button.-Explodes*(Imploding is so out of fashion.-_-)
-----------------------------------
Should i read the OP?

Will do. :)
*Pushes Red Button.-Explodes*(Imploding is so out of fashion.-_-)
-----------------------------------
Should i read the OP?


*poit!*

*poit!*

Wha??

(Easily the best question so far)

Wha??

(Easily the best question so far)

Thats the implosion sound.

*poit!*

Thats the implosion sound.

*poit!*

Fair enough then.

Oh, on a more serious note, how can I change the fundamental physiological make-up of all human kind?

Fair enough then.

Oh, on a more serious note, how can I change the fundamental physiological make-up of all human kind?

That depends.

How do you feel about "Mad Science".

Like lab coats?

That depends.

How do you feel about "Mad Science".

Like lab coats?

I own three of them.

I have to give five reasons that women use to justify abortion, and give an arguement for or against each one. I want to argue for, but copy/pasting off a Phelpsian website is Soooooo tempting! What should I do?

I am starting to develop that, well, - "not so fresh feeling" :( I'm afraid that people at work can smell something that I can't. Also, I have had a painful rectal itch now for about a week that has been accompanied by anal leakage of th most embarrasing sort. Is there anything you reccomend? :confused:

Theres no advice, like free advice, and like the cherry on a hot fudge sundae, what could be better than free advice from a sasquatch?

Why would I want to get advice from a sasquatch, you say?

Becuase a sasquatch is not very likely to give you any advice that is useful, insightful, or deeply meaningful, beyond some chaotic ramblings, and zingy one-liners.

You want the other kind, go find Dear Abbey.

Who would like to be first?

*With a Special thanks to Big Jim P, for the recommendation.
Thou Doth Rock.

How should I deal with wealthy clients with a distinct lack of both commonsense and inhibitions, who INSIST on real rubber versus the more comfortable low-density polymer "tools"?

I have to give five reasons that women use to justify abortion, and give an arguement for or against each one. I want to argue for, but copy/pasting off a Phelpsian website is Soooooo tempting! What should I do?

Oh..by all means copy and paste from a Phelps website.
If anything is useful as a great reason for abortion, its Fred Phelps.

Hes a load his momma should have swallowed.

I am starting to develop that, well, - "not so fresh feeling" :( I'm afraid that people at work can smell something that I can't. Also, I have had a painful rectal itch now for about a week that has been accompanied by anal leakage of th most embarrasing sort. Is there anything you reccomend? :confused:

Yes.

A Butt-pon.

Probably available in your local drugstore.

Perhaps some powder, to powder the pooch.

If that fails, jam a few handfuls of cottonballs in yer can.

Good luck!

How should I deal with wealthy clients with a distinct lack of both commonsense and inhibitions, who INSIST on real rubber versus the more comfortable low-density polymer "tools"?

In cash, I would think.

Dont wait for the check to clear.

Thats the implosion sound.

*poit!*
But i exploded.:(
Should i read the OP?

But i exploded.:(
Should i read the OP?

Uhh..

*Ka-ploit*?