NationStates Jolt Archive

George Carlin
As big of an asshole as this man is... ya ever noticed that almost all of what that man says is absolutely true and just makes sense?
Hes the reason i dont believe in 'god'
Have any of your lives been changed by ol 'george?

Oh! Yeah, he's funny.

I actually remember him from "Thomas the tank engine" That's kinda sad. *I have heard his acts though, they're great.*

Oh! Yeah, he's funny.

Not only that, but he knows everything he talks about. Very educated man he is

I actually remember him from "Thomas the tank engine" That's kinda sad. *I have heard his acts though, they're great.*

Who is he? What part did he play?

Who is he? What part did he play?

The conductor.

The conductor.

Oh, okay. I don't know of anything else he has done.

He has become less funny as the years go by, thus showing that time heals all wounds and vice versa. Does that count?

The conductor.

Wierd, I remember every voice being done by the same voice with a British accent.

Why do you call him an asshole? Are all class clowns assholes?

Wierd, I remember every voice being done by the same voice with a British accent.

That was Ringo Starr. I don't remember which of them had the role first.

George Carlin made me lunch.

I actually remember him from "Thomas the tank engine" That's kinda sad. *I have heard his acts though, they're great.*

As well as ringo :)

George Carlin
As big of an asshole as this man is... ya ever noticed that almost all of what that man says is absolutely true and just makes sense?
Hes the reason i dont believe in 'god'
Have any of your lives been changed by ol 'george?
He made me hate euphemisms and the people who use them.

For example, I noticed once that the Defense Department used the term "arbitrary deprivation of life" instead of "murder" to describe human rights abuses. GAAAAAH!!!
*FIGHTING URGE TO USE GUN SMILIE*

Don't know him and I can't be bothered to google him to find out.

Don't know him and I can't be bothered to google him to find out.

He is worth it. Go to http://www.georgecarlin.com :)

what he says about cursing is true.

what he says about cursing is true.

A lot of what he says is true. And a lot of what he says that isn't true ought to be.

For instance,

"'Meow' is 'woof' in cat."- G.C.

I'll let you decide for yourself if that's true, or merely ought to be. :)

Only comedian to get a case all the way to the Supreme Court.

Don't know him and I can't be bothered to google him to find out.

He's only one of the greatest minds of the 20th century. Yeah, definitely not worth looking up.

That was Ringo Starr. I don't remember which of them had the role first.
Ringo Starr did, then they brought the show to the US.

* Catholic - which I was until I reached the age of reason.

* I've begun worshipping the Sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the Sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to God are all answered at about the same 50-percent rate.

He's definately worth looking up, even if I don't on occasion agree with his political rantings.

He's only one of the greatest minds of the 20th century. Yeah, definitely not worth looking up.

If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?

What year did Jesus think it was?

Deep Throat: Think about it. There is actually a semi-important figure in American history who is named for a blow-job movie. How do school teachers handle this?

Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It's because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

You can't fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.

Bipartisan usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

Religion easily—has the best bullshit story of all time. Think about it. Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man...living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don't have as many people who believe it.

I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

I've found him, I have Jesus in the trunk.

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal", "Thou shalt not commit adultery" and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.

My god has a bigger dick than your god!

Baseball is the only major sport that appears backward in a mirror.

If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?

Swimming is not a sport; swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense!

Watching golf on television is like watching flies fuck.

And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: it reads, and I quote, "fuck waffles."

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Cancer research is a growth industry.

Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.

Honk if your horn is broken.

Have you ever noticed, in traffic, anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac! "Would you look at this idiot? Take a look at this idiot right here, just creeping along... Woah, look at that maniac go!"

I never eat sushi. I have trouble eating things that are merely unconscious.

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

Imagine how thick Japanese people’s photo albums must be.

How come none of these boxers seem to have a losing record?

A lot of these people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt.

I don’t understand why prostitution is illegal. Selling is legal. Fucking is legal. So, why isn’t selling fucking legal? Why should it be illegal to sell something that’s legal to give away? I can’t follow the logic. Of all the things you can do to a person, giving them an orgasm is hardly the worst.

Don’t you find it funny that all these tough-guy boxers are fighting over a purse?

As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.

If a movie is described as a romantic comedy you can usually find me next door playing pinball.

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.

Tits always look better in a pink sweater.

The status quo sucks.

Fuck soccer moms.

Fuck rational thinking.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

I feel sorry for confetti. Its useful life lasts about two seconds. And it can never be used again.

I never watch Sesame Street. I already know most of that stuff.

I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.

I worry about my judgment when anything I believe in or do regularly begins to be accepted by the American public.

If a man smiles all the time, he's probably selling something that doesn't work.

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.

"One thing leads to another"? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.

The best thing about living at the water's edge. You only have assholes on three sides of you and if they come this way you can hear them splash.

The difference between the blues and the blahs is that you can't sing the blahs.

The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."

Wanna help your kids? Leave them the fuck alone!!!

When you sneeze, all the numbers in your head go up by one.

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

-All George Carlin.

:)

George Carlin is the man who laid out the rules I try to live by.
Life is not as difficult as people think; all one needs is a good set of rules. Since it is probably too late for you, here are some guidelines to pass along to your children.

1. Relax and take it easy. Don't get caught up in hollow conceits such as "doing something with your life." Such twaddle is outmoded and a sure formula for disappointment.

2. Whatever it is you pursue, try to do it just well enough to remain in the middle third of the field. Keep your thoughts and ideas to yourself and don't ask questions. Remember, the squeaky wheel is the first one to be replaced.

3. Size people up quickly, and develop rigid attitudes based on your first impression. If you try to delve deeper and get to "know" people, you're asking for trouble.

4. Don't fall for that superstitious nonsense about treating people the way you would like to be treated. It is a transparently narcissistic approach, and may be the sign of a weak mind.

5. Spend as much time as you can pleading and impressing others, even if it makes you unhappy. Pay special attention to shallow manipulators who can do you the most harm. Remember, in the overall scheme, you count for very little.

6. Surround yourself with inferiors and losers. Not only will you look good by comparison, but they will look up to you, and that will make you feel better.

7. Don't buy into the sentimental notion that everyone has shortcomings; it's the surest way of undermining yourself. Remember, the really best people have no defects. If you're not perfect, something is wrong.

8. If by some off chance you do detect a few faults, first, accept the fact that you are probably deeply flawed. Then make a list of your faults and dwell on them. Carry the list around and try to think of things to add. Blame yourself for everything.

9. Beware of intuition and gut instincts, they are completely unreliable. Instead, develop preconceived notions and don't waver unless someone tells you to. Then change your mind and adopt their point of view. But only if they seem to know what they're talking about.

10. Never give up on an idea simply because it is bad and doesn't work. Cling to it even when it is hopeless. Anyone can cut and run, but it takes a very special person to stay with something that is stupid and harmful.

11. Always remember, today doesn't count. Trying to make something out of today only robs you of precious time that could be spent daydreaming or resting up.

12. Try to dwell on the past. Think of all the mistakes you've made, and how much better it would be if you hadn't made them. Think of what you should have done, and blame yourself for not doing so. And don't go easy. Be really hard on yourself.

13. If by chance you make a fresh mistake, especially a costly one, try to repeat it a few times so you become familiar with it and can do it easily in the future. Write it down. Put it with your list of faults.

14. Beware also of the dangerous trap of looking ahead; it will only get you in trouble. Instead, try to drift along from day to day in a meandering fashion. Don't get sidetracked with some foolish "plan."

15. Finally, enjoy yourself all the time, and do whatever you want. Don't be seduced by that mindless chatter going around about "responsibility." That's exactly the sort of thing that can ruin your life.