NationStates Jolt Archive

I'm sorry about this, but I'm afraid that I'm going to have to bitch to you guys again, so I ask for your forgiveness in advance. In normal circumstances a young man like myself who had a problem would turn to his other parent for guidance, unfortunately I haven't seen my father in what seems like a year now.

For the past four days I've been in a very unpleasant situation with my mother. Apparently I am eligible for induction into the National Honor Society. You think "great", right. Problem is: I don't want to join. Period. I am already leading a club in my high-school this year (something I've been looking forward to, and I really want it to shine), college applications, scholarships, and an abnormally heavy workload due to missing half of the school year last year due to illness. The last thing I want to do is commit myself to another organization that requires a specific amount of service hours each semester. I don't just have to worry about stressing myself out, but also my health, which can be adversely affected due to my Chrons if I decide to push myself. That, and I sincerely appologize if I offend anyone, but I don't like the idea of an organization that, granted, does community service but is also made up of "the best and the brightest"...just seems like it's a bunch of show offs...

Now this is where it gets sticky. My mother want's this "for her birthday present", or some shit like that, and wants me to join because it would look good on my college application. I told her that I really didn't want to join...but it has exploded into something far more than that. I can barely describe it and I appologize if I'm not making much sence.

Essentially we've been at eachother's throats for the past four days, while all the while I've been trying to juggle my own workload (which is, I'm extremely perturbed to say, mostly lengthy and tedious busy-work assigned by my hard-ass history teacher). Finally she got to the point where she said she didn't care what I decided, but I would be the one paying off the student loans if I couldn't get the financial aid because I'm not with the NHS.

...Apparently she's forgotten the Eagle Project that myself and my advisor had busted our asses over for a year through three hospitalizations and a surgery, which according to every councilor I've spoken to is the absolute BEST thing you can have on a college application.

She doesn't get it. I'm not going to join an organization just because it would look good on an application, that's NOT how I do things. And god-damnit with all the things that I've already done for my "community" and what I've gone through throughout my entire fucking high-school career I deserve to be a little selfish and say, "no, they don't need my help."

I'm truly sorry about doing this. I feel like a complete bitch. No, I'm a pussy...unworthy of the goatee that I wear proudly upon my face. I haven't had a day recently where I have not had tears in my eyes. I'm crying at the drop of a hat and I do not know why. I am proud that I am so comfortable with my emotions (I can't say the same for other members of my gender), but at this point I'm really afraid of becoming some imasculated little momma's boy...

I know I probably sound like a drama queen...and I promise I will post something more uplifting and fun once I've finished working...but I just needed an ear and some friendly advice.

have you outlined for her your reasons for not wanting to join?

edit: also you sound like you have a lot of stress going on with your crohns and everything, maybe you could point out to her that you are already at capacity and your health would suffer were you to add anything more on?

I have to go get my kids from daycare, but I have to say this: show your mother what you wrote here.

The best thing you can do for yourself, your community and your family is to take the space you need to be you.

have you outlined for her your reasons for not wanting to join?

Da. She think's I'm blowing it out of proportion, that "50%" of the people don't actually do all the service hours. So? I can't just be one of those, I don't disrespect myself that much.

Whilst studying, your primary focus needs to be on your course work, and whilst extra-curricular activities may impress potential colleges, you need to consider your workload and health first and foremost.

Da. She think's I'm blowing it out of proportion, that "50%" of the people don't actually do all the service hours. So? I can't just be one of those, I don't disrespect myself that much.

I have to go cook, but if I were you I would make a pro/con list, make sure the cons come out ahead and are pretty bad (throw in the fear of obstruction due to inflamation due to stress, that's how my husband always gets me to leave him alone ;))

if she won't listen, I would just rebel and not join. I know it's not the popular answer, but you have to think about your health and your standards, she didn't raise you to do a half ass job (eagle project proves that) so she can't expect you to do it now to "make her happy"

Don't do the thing if you don't want to. She'll probably get over it in time, and, if she doesn't, well fuck her. Fuck 'em all.
You've got a goatee, you don't need them or anybody else.

I have to go cook, but if I were you I would make a pro/con list, make sure the cons come out ahead and are pretty bad (throw in the fear of obstruction due to inflamation due to stress, that's how my husband always gets me to leave him alone ;))

if she won't listen, I would just rebel and not join. I know it's not the popular answer, but you have to think about your health and your standards, she didn't raise you to do a half ass job (eagle project proves that) so she can't expect you to do it now to "make her happy"

You're probably in the kitchen already, but here goes.

You've hit the problem right on the head. I want to make her happy. I haven't been able to not do that for a while now. I hate seeing her mad or dissapointed. Hell, I was more concerned about making sure she was enjoying herself on our trip to Disneyworld than I was about myself. And it isn't just with my mother: I go out of my way to be polite and try to make everyone happy, because that's when I am happiest, and I hate to see someone let down on my account.

But in this case I have to let her down, because if I don't I'm gonna get stressed out and land myself right back where I was last year. But then letting her down is gonna stress me out too. You see a viscious-cycle forming here? It would be so much easier if she told me in a calm voice (not frustrated and upset) that it is my decision, and she'll support me either way, but she has not done that.

Dude...seriously. Help me. I'm maybe five steps away from turning into Norman Bates.

You're probably in the kitchen already, but here goes.

You've hit the problem right on the head. I want to make her happy. I haven't been able to not do that for a while now. I hate seeing her mad or dissapointed. Hell, I was more concerned about making sure she was enjoying herself on our trip to Disneyworld than I was about myself. And it isn't just with my mother: I go out of my way to be polite and try to make everyone happy, because that's when I am happiest, and I hate to see someone let down on my account.

But in this case I have to let her down, because if I don't I'm gonna get stressed out and land myself right back where I was last year. But then letting her down is gonna stress me out too. You see a viscious-cycle forming here? It would be so much easier if she told me in a calm voice (not frustrated and upset) that it is my decision, and she'll support me either way, but she has not done that.

Dude...seriously. Help me. I'm maybe five steps away from turning into Norman Bates.

the pasta is in the pan, so I will be gone again soon.....but you cant make her happy, really all you can do is make yourself happy.

you are not responisble for her feelings she chooses her own, if she is sad, or depressed, or angry, or psychotic it has nothing to do with you.

she is a mom, and in the end the only thing that will make her happy is knowing that she raised a child who can succeed in life, your first step is to figure out what you need to do to be successful, and I have a feeling joining the NHS isnt it.



*yes I am aware of the lack of apostrophes but my computer wigs out everytime I try to do one.

Da. She think's I'm blowing it out of proportion, that "50%" of the people don't actually do all the service hours. So? I can't just be one of those, I don't disrespect myself that much.

Maybe she's got a point. You might want to consider joining and just half-assing it. Or maybe not. It's not a decision anyone can make for you. That's the point. It's your decision, not mine, hers or anyone else's. You're what, 17 or 18? Perfect time to start standing up for yourself. Just think things through first.

Maybe she's got a point. You might want to consider joining and just half-assing it. Or maybe not. It's not a decision anyone can make for you. That's the point. It's your decision, not mine, hers or anyone else's. You're what, 17 or 18? Perfect time to start standing up for yourself. Just think things through first.

Just half-assing it wouldn't seem right to me. I'm actually 18...I gotta get some perspective.

But in this case I have to let her down, because if I don't I'm gonna get stressed out and land myself right back where I was last year. But then letting her down is gonna stress me out too. You see a viscious-cycle forming here? It would be so much easier if she told me in a calm voice (not frustrated and upset) that it is my decision, and she'll support me either way, but she has not done that.


The thing is, you know what you have to do. You've said so. You have to let her down, because that's what's best for you. It would be wonderful if she would make it easy for you, but that's beyond your control. Tell her what you told us, explain why you feel you're making the right decision, and leave it at that. There's a good chance she'll be upset about it, and that sucks, and you have my sympathy (I know far too well what it's like to disappoint one's mother - mine hasn't liked anything I've done since birth), but in the end, you have only two real choices - doing what you believe is best, and giving in just to keep your mother from being upset with you. I think you know which choice to make.

Best of luck! :)

I think you're making a poor decision, but I think your mother is in the wrong, if you know what I mean.

But I really cannot judge, so yeah.

Your mom sounds like a control freak, and you already have enough on your plate.

Do NOT stress yourself out over this, don't worry about joining NHS, you're already an eagle scout, which is better than being in NHS.

Remember that high school is about learning AND having fun.

Huh. I wan't aware that the National Honors Society had a service requirement. I just thought it was an award.

Anyway, just put it to her logically:

1. You do not need to join NHS because of your previous accomplishments.

2. You cannot join NHS because you are already overloaded with other commitments.

3. If you do join NHS, you will either

A) be unable to complete its requirements (which will look bad),

B) have to let your work in other areas suffer to make time for it (which will also look bad), or

C) somehow manage to juggle everything (having no leisure time, less sleep, etc.) at the expense of your health and well-being.

4. All academic and educational experts agree that, when it comes to college resumes, it's always better to do a few activities well than to do a lot of activities poorly.

Hope that helps...

You're probably in the kitchen already, but here goes.

You've hit the problem right on the head. I want to make her happy. I haven't been able to not do that for a while now. I hate seeing her mad or dissapointed. Hell, I was more concerned about making sure she was enjoying herself on our trip to Disneyworld than I was about myself. And it isn't just with my mother: I go out of my way to be polite and try to make everyone happy, because that's when I am happiest, and I hate to see someone let down on my account.

But in this case I have to let her down, because if I don't I'm gonna get stressed out and land myself right back where I was last year. But then letting her down is gonna stress me out too. You see a viscious-cycle forming here? It would be so much easier if she told me in a calm voice (not frustrated and upset) that it is my decision, and she'll support me either way, but she has not done that.

Dude...seriously. Help me. I'm maybe five steps away from turning into Norman Bates.

This, plus the whole "make it my birthday present" thing, makes it sound like your mother is perhaps a tad manipulative?

I agree with Smunkeeville. You shouldn't join if it will adversely affect your academic performance or your health. In the end, I don't think joining the NHS will help you get finacial aid as most of that is need-based. It might help you get into college, but grades are more important for that anyways.

Personally, I don't think it is a good idea to sacrifice your own happiness to please someone else. I think you will seriously regret it if you do. As for your mother, if she loves you she will understand and forgive you, no matter what you do. If she doesn't love you (I hope this is not the case), you have even less reason to try and please her, right?

After a while, your mother will give up, so long as you hold fast in your tracks, and don't budge. My mother tried for seven years to run my life the way she wanted, I never gave in, and she gave up. She ran my sister's life, and thought she could do the same for me. During those seven years there was hardly a day without screams from her, and tears by me. After a while, I pretty much became immune to insults after being called every nasty name in the book by my mother. It really drove home when she screamed that she wished I was never born, and a week or so later I found out I was an accident child.

Yes, the fond memories of the years before I went to college.

Ok, first: given your apparent involvment in other extra-curricular activites, to assume that not joining NHS will preclude you from receiving funding or admission to college is a SEVERE overstatement. Successful applications do not live and die on such trivial things. The fact is, you are good enough to get in - you'll be applying with good grades and with a strong list of other interests (and students who have interests outside of joining the trophy organizations like NHS are looked well upon). If your mother refuses to let go of her belief that NHS is as important as she thinks it is, I'm not sure exactly what to tell her.

Other than that I'd reiterate what others have said here: your well-being should enter in to the equation, always. Parents do have that tendency to push their kids hard, and sometimes into activities they don't want because they think it's best. The fact is, it really isn't necessarily. Try your best to make that clear, and stress how this is affecting you. Truthfully, what you've revealed to us here is even a good start. Does she realize the effect this issue has had on you mentally and emotionally?

Good luck - and seriously - NHS doesn't mean crap. If you've got the grades to get in to begin with, that's more than enough when coupled with your other activities.

I agree with Smunkeeville. You shouldn't join if it will adversely affect your academic performance or your health. In the end, I don't think joining the NHS will help you get finacial aid as most of that is need-based. It might help you get into college, but grades are more important for that anyways.

Personally, I don't think it is a good idea to sacrifice your own happiness to please someone else. I think you will seriously regret it if you do. As for your mother, if she loves you she will understand and forgive you, no matter what you do. If she doesn't love you (I hope this is not the case), you have even less reason to try and please her, right?

I also agree. You might try writing up what you used to open this thread, with a little polishing and some perhaps more diplomatic language, and either let her read it or use it to talk to her from. I don't know how long before you're off to college, but you'll probably be in for a bit of a seige until then, assuming she doesn't let the issue go. Still, as Sinmapret says, you'll regret sacrificing your happiness and possibly your health.

no matter what your mother said about it being good for your resume, she wants this for herself. its a good bragging point to say your son is in the national honor society. why else would it make sense for it to be her birthday present.

you know your mother. if you make it clear that you are absolutely not going to do this will she let it go and not hold it over your head forever? refusing her this "present" is going to disappoint her. is there anything you can do to make it better? some other present you can give her that would touch her heart and make her forgive your refusal?

it may be that you owe it to your mother to give her this bragging point even if it means being a piss poor nhs member. we all have to do some sucky things in life in order to be good children to our parents. this may be one of them.

think about how often she has requested this kind of thing of you. think about how many things she has done for you that you know she would rather not have had to do. if she doesnt do this kind of thing constantly, and if she is there at every play, honor, award ceremony you ever have, you might just want to suck it up on this one and join.

im not saying that she is right and you are wrong. i dont think you have bad reasons for refusing her request. all things being equal, i wouldnt join if i were you. but things arent equal and this may be a time when you do something you dont want to do and shouldnt have to do.

good luck with it.

Guys, I just want to make this clear that I am not in any way trying to villify my mother. Believe me, she is a wonderful person; caring, intelligent and 100% loving. She can be also be very stubborn, as evidenced when she took on the administration for getting me a 504 Plan. Trust me I appriciate everything she does for me, but she is VERY strong-willed, and it seems like she always expect to get what she wants.

She tells me that sometimes I'm gonna have to do things I don't want...personally I think she needs to learn sometimes she's not going to get everything she wants.

And as for bragging rights...I think she has enough for saying I'm an Eagle scout.

Do what you believe is right and good for you.

And if that is doing your Eagle project on which you have already spent so much time and effort, then so be it! I say go for it.

I sense that this whole episode has put a lot of stress on you and your life. Making that decision to persue what you want sounds like the choice to make.

Anyway, keep your back straight, stomach tucked in, chin up (not too high, eh?) - and turn that frown upside down! http://www.section.at/img/smiley/troest.gif

In a couple of years, when you're in college, you'll be looking back to this and be glad you stood up for yourself and did what you enjoyed most ;)

Guys, I just want to make this clear that I am not in any way trying to villify my mother. Believe me, she is a wonderful person; caring, intelligent and 100% loving.

Great! I'm glad you're not rensentful towards your mother. I believe your mother does have your best interest in mind; she just happens to be wrong this time. Can't fault someone for being human. ;)

If you decide not to go along with your mother, I'd suggest you try and explain your feelings to her. Don't make it seem like you're just blowing her off, but rather that you've seriously considered her idea and can justify why you don't want to do it. She may not agree with you at first, but I think she'll come around eventually. If you can't convince her on your own, you might try asking someone you both trust to help you out (school counsler, religious leader, close family friend, etc.) Make sure it's someone you both trust and that your mom won't be offended. Good Luck.

Guys, I just want to make this clear that I am not in any way trying to villify my mother. Believe me, she is a wonderful person; caring, intelligent and 100% loving. She can be also be very stubborn, as evidenced when she took on the administration for getting me a 504 Plan. Trust me I appriciate everything she does for me, but she is VERY strong-willed, and it seems like she always expect to get what she wants.

She tells me that sometimes I'm gonna have to do things I don't want...personally I think she needs to learn sometimes she's not going to get everything she wants.

And as for bragging rights...I think she has enough for saying I'm an Eagle scout.

then you need to give her a birthday present that will drive all thoughts of the NHS out of her mind when she opens it. preferrably something that will make her cry.

shes a good mother, it shouldnt be hard to think of something.

I'm truly sorry about doing this. I feel like a complete bitch. No, I'm a pussy...unworthy of the goatee that I wear proudly upon my face. I haven't had a day recently where I have not had tears in my eyes. I'm crying at the drop of a hat and I do not know why. I am proud that I am so comfortable with my emotions (I can't say the same for other members of my gender), but at this point I'm really afraid of becoming some imasculated little momma's boy...

I know I probably sound like a drama queen...and I promise I will post something more uplifting and fun once I've finished working...but I just needed an ear and some friendly advice.

You have nothing to be ashamed about. We all have our limits, and when those limits are reached we have to turn outside ourselves for support or we will eventually have a psychotic break of some kind. It takes a great deal of courage to admit weakness, and I, for one, respect you more for it.

I know what you are going through. I have recently passed through a very stressful time in my life as well. When my fiance broke things off with me a few months back I was an emotional wreck. I would fly into rages or break down and cry for little or no reason.

The source of the stress, as I see it, is that your mother is not respecting your feelings, and you are caught between your love for her and natural desire to please her, and your own feelings and desires to determine your own destiny. You cannot give her what she wants without sacrificing what you want.

This sort of conflict between parent and child is very common at your age. You are just starting to strongly assert your individual identity, and many parents have a hard time letting go, and letting their children be the people they want to be.

I would council you to start keeping a journal of your feelings. this will help you to sort out what you feel, and why you feel it. It will also serve as an outlet for your feelings, a sort of preasure release valve, that will keep you from breaking under the intense preasure of strong, unexpressed, feelings.

You are not in the wrong here, and you don't have to feel guilty for not wanting to do as your mother desires. In order to have a healthy relationship, two individuals must give each others' feelings equal weight in the balance. Your mother is not giving your feelings equal weight with her own. Try to be patient with her, and remind her that you do love her, even though there are some choices you have to make for yourself, and can't always indulge her desires for you.

The good news is, in most cases the parent comes to respect the individuality of their child and the relationship between parent and child improves dramatically. But there are usually a few of this sort of power struggle you are in now before that relationship of mutual respect is established.

We're rooting for you :)

Alright guys, good news.

I've spoken to her, she has appologized, I've explained my logic, and we have come to a compromise (everyone wins, no one loses).

I will turn in the application with the recommendations attached, and then I will just let it roll from there and do what I can with my membership. Hell, I may not even be accepted. If it turns out that I will be physically unable to fulfill my "duties", then we'll either try to work something out with the organization, or I'll simply leave. And she has promised me that no matter what she'll make sure I'll still have time to do my work, manage my club, and still retain a somewhat acceptable social life, and keep myself healthy, which we both agree is what is most important.

From that, I wash my hands of this crap and try to put it behind me.

Ashmoria, Smunkeevile, and everyone else, thank you very much for your advice and help. In return for services rendered, I am awarding all of you with my new, experimental Bolol Exemplary Service Cookie Mk. 1. Display it proudly, and thank you again.

Yay, cookies for everyone.

I'm really glad that things worked out between you and your mom. ;)