NationStates Jolt Archive

Well then. As you will have noticed, homosexuality, bisexuality and heterosexuality has been discussed quite often on this forum. But what about asexuality? As in no sex what so ever? I don't think we've ever had a discussion on people who choose to never sexually interact. So why don't we have one? I myself feel like becoming asexual. No idea why. Just seems right.

I had an asexual friend once, who had no sexual interest whatsoever in either gender.

I don't think we've ever had a discussion on people who choose to never sexually interact..


Yes, we have.

There was Armandian Cheese......and Czardas too, I think...and some other guy...And probably others that I don't care to remember.


But meh. Do whatever makes you feel good. Or don't do it. Doesn't bother me.

must be a "flower child" to show that characteristic

Again, there's a difference between asexual as an orientation and asexual as a behavior. Those who are sexual but choose to be asexual are...well, you have to do what's right for you, but it almost doesn't make sense unless you're worried about STD's or something. If that's the case, it makes perfect sense. Then there are others (i've heard about one out of 100) who are completely asexual - not sexually attracted to anyone or anything. It's beyond the comprehension of most. I have a hard time seeing someone like that who is able to have a seemingly normal marriage and anything resembling a sex life.

I suppose that a gay man could pretend that his wife is a man in order to have a family, but what's an asexual going to pretend? It baffles me.

I myself feel like becoming asexual. No idea why. Just seems right.

Probably because of reading all these threads...

Again, there's a difference between asexual as an orientation and asexual as a behavior. Those who are sexual but choose to be asexual are...well, you have to do what's right for you, but it almost doesn't make sense unless you're worried about STD's or something. If that's the case, it makes perfect sense.

As a celibate person, I think there are several other reasons to choose not to relate to others sexually. Personally, it doesn't interest me or seem the right thing for me at all. This doesn't mean I don't have a sex drive. I have one hell of a sex drive. I also find many people physically appealing. I just don't want to have intercourse with them. I'd rather just be friends.

Ironically some women I have met have not found me appealing in any way until they learned that I'm celibate. Then suddenly I'm interesting and attractive....what the hell?

but what's an asexual going to pretend?

...nothing?

Just because you are that big a loser no member of either sex will touch you, doesn't mean you're asexual.

-Rotovia

Just because you are that big a loser no member of either sex will touch you, doesn't mean you're asexual.

-Rotovia

I don't think anyone is saying that.

Dont confuse the inability to get laid with the unwillingness to have sex...

I don't think anyone is saying that.

Funny, because I could have sworn I just did.

-Rotovia

As a celibate person, I think there are several other reasons to choose not to relate to others sexually. Personally, it doesn't interest me or seem the right thing for me at all. This doesn't mean I don't have a sex drive. I have one hell of a sex drive. I also find many people physically appealing. I just don't want to have intercourse with them. I'd rather just be friends.

Ironically some women I have met have not found me appealing in any way until they learned that I'm celibate. Then suddenly I'm interesting and attractive....what the hell?

Celibate and asexual are two different things.

As to why you are interesting, it is for the same reasons that gay men and virgins are, on one hand it is a challenge and on the other hand it is somehow safe.

Funny, because I could have sworn I just did.

-Rotovia

That's not what the person who started this is talking about at all though.

That's not what the person who started this is talking about at all though.

So, what you're saying is I said something different to someone else? Like in a conversation. Amazing

-Rotovia

Funny, because I could have sworn I just did.

-Rotovia

And you were unnecessarily rude. It is an interesting discussion, and you don't have to jump in with an insult.

well whatever floats your boat (or sinks it in this case) I could never imagine doing it myself but if you want it go for it (just remember you could end up living a very lonely life)

I'm sorry I must not understand what you're talking about.
I thought you were saying that asexuality doesn't exist or something.
I'm not sure what you're talking about if that wasn't what you were saying.

And you were unnecessarily rude. It is an interesting discussion, and you don't have to jump in with an insult.

There is insult, and tragic fact. I deliver the latter, without sympathy and restrain. If the truth offends you, I suggest joining the Republican Party.

-Rotovia

I suppose that a gay man could pretend that his wife is a man in order to have a family, but what's an asexual going to pretend? It baffles me.
Why would a gay man marry a woman, or an asexual person marry at all to begin with? You don't need marriage to live a healthy and fulfilling life. An asexual person might very well be satisfied with close friendships relationships and not seek a life-partner. Or s/he might seek out another asexual for companionship devoid of a sexual dimension.

(P.S. gay men should marry other gay men, not women and pretend their wife is a man :headbang: )

There is insult, and tragic fact. I deliver the latter, without sympathy and restrain. If the truth offends you, I suggest joining the Republican Party.

-Rotovia

Why do you doubt the possibility of asexuality so much? It seems very possible to me. I mean young children usually aren't that sexual and they exist.

Again, there's a difference between asexual as an orientation and asexual as a behavior. Those who are sexual but choose to be asexual are...well, you have to do what's right for you, but it almost doesn't make sense unless you're worried about STD's or something. If that's the case, it makes perfect sense. Then there are others (i've heard about one out of 100) who are completely asexual - not sexually attracted to anyone or anything. It's beyond the comprehension of most. I have a hard time seeing someone like that who is able to have a seemingly normal marriage and anything resembling a sex life.

I suppose that a gay man could pretend that his wife is a man in order to have a family, but what's an asexual going to pretend? It baffles me.

Bear in mind that not all marriages ARE sexually based. It would certainly not be the norm, but one could marry someone for love that is not sexual, with the intent not to have children, and live quite happily.

Why do you doubt the possibility of asexuality so much? It seems very possible to me. I mean young children usually aren't that sexual and they exist.

Young children exist? That's news to me. I'll assume what you meant is asexuals exist, to which I respond: no, no they don't. Children develop gender roles and sexuality from a very young age and there is no persn out there who can honestly say they aren't driven by the most basic primal instinct (repoduction) on at least some level. To deny the existence of the drive to procreate, is to deny the very nature of all animals.

-Rotovia

Bear in mind that not all marriages ARE sexually based. It would certainly not be the norm, but one could marry someone for love that is not sexual, with the intent not to have children, and live quite happily.

Which is what my parents keep insisting I do. I think they believe that if you don't have marriage you will explode or something. They seem so desperate.

Young children exist? That's news to me. I'll assume what you meant is asexuals exist, to which I respond: no, no they don't. Children develop gender roles and sexuality from a very young age and there is no persn out there who can honestly say they aren't driven by the most basic primal instinct (repoduction) on at least some level. To deny the existence of the drive to procreate, is to deny the very nature of all animals.

-Rotovia

I don't think so. I mean, simply for the purpose of conversation an animal could exist that had no desire to reproduce. It's fitness level would be zero from the perspective of natural selection (if it didn't somehow end up mating against its will or something) but it could still exist.

And I also think that being attracted to things sexually is very based in the psyche of human beings. For example, as I was saying, no sex=0 fitness. Same thing goes for homosexuals yet they continue to exist. So you can't say evolution would eliminate asexuals.

Also, homosexual, heterosexual, duck fancier, WHATEVER all exist. This suggests that human beings associate something as sexual partners at some point. (although usually other humans). What if this associating was simply never made?

Young children exist? That's news to me. I'll assume what you meant is asexuals exist, to which I respond: no, no they don't. Children develop gender roles and sexuality from a very young age and there is no persn out there who can honestly say they aren't driven by the most basic primal instinct (repoduction) on at least some level. To deny the existence of the drive to procreate, is to deny the very nature of all animals.

-Rotovia

Sigh... of course there are people who are asexual. There are people who cover the whole spectrum of sexuality. Asexuals do not DENY the existence of the procreation drive, they are simply unaffected by it. There may be many reasons for this, ranging from genetic to hormonal to emotional, but they do exist.

Which is what my parents keep insisting I do. I think they believe that if you don't have marriage you will explode or something. They seem so desperate.

But your case is not the same as someone who is physically asexual. You are celibate, which you can choose to give up if and when you meet the right person.

Do not let your parents rush you into a marriage just to be in a marriage, as that could be tragic for you, your partner, and most especially any children you might have. You will know if the right person comes along, and that will be the time to get married.

It is difficult for many to overcome the training they received when they were young, and our parents generation were still being taught that marriage is the end goal, that everything will be alright if only we have decendents to carry on after we are gone. It is sometimes hard to explain when one has different goals in life than family... but if you are not ready for a family, you should not look to have one.

I don't think so. I mean, simply for the purpose of conversation an animal could exist that had no desire to reproduce. It's fitness level would be zero from the perspective of natural selection (if it didn't somehow end up mating against its will or something) but it could still exist.

And I also think that being attracted to things sexually is very based in the psyche of human beings. For example, as I was saying, no sex=0 fitness. Same thing goes for homosexuals yet they continue to exist. So you can't say evolution would eliminate asexuals.

Also, homosexual, heterosexual, duck fancier, WHATEVER all exist. This suggests that human beings associate something as sexual partners at some point. (although usually other humans). What if this associating was simply never made?
Human beings have an inbuilt drive-to-mate, though this drive may manifest itself through varying natures that do not nessacarially result in procreation (eg. homosexuality, beastiality.) they are still sexual drives. I challange you to find one true asexual and I will show you a liar.

-Rotovia

Sigh... of course there are people who are asexual. There are people who cover the whole spectrum of sexuality. Asexuals do not DENY the existence of the procreation drive, they are simply unaffected by it. There may be many reasons for this, ranging from genetic to hormonal to emotional, but they do exist.Just bescause a person does not, or cannot, excerise the forfilment of their sexual will, does not mean they are unaffected by or lack the basic sexual drive

-Rotovia

Why would a gay man marry a woman, or an asexual person marry at all to begin with? You don't need marriage to live a healthy and fulfilling life. An asexual person might very well be satisfied with close friendships relationships and not seek a life-partner. Or s/he might seek out another asexual for companionship devoid of a sexual dimension.

(P.S. gay men should marry other gay men, not women and pretend their wife is a man :headbang: )

Because it's expected. Like it or not, people are still under pressure these days to get married and have kids. Their parents want grandchildren at any cost, and people think that single folks "just haven't met the right person yet" and that childless couples "will get lucky sooner or later." People tend to assume that, because a good number of people want marriage and children, that everyone does. And last time I checked, having kids still requires sex, unless you want to adopt, and people don't always tend to agree with that, either.

Homosexuality is still not considered the norm. Nor is asexuality. Granted, some people beat the system (like two asexuals getting married just for the benefits and sharing a house, but they just happen to be glorified friends and sleep in separate bedrooms) but it's not too common. A lack of sexual desire is seen as a medical problem, sleeping in separate bedrooms is seen as a problem within one's marriage, and if they don't have any kids, that's seen as bad as well. Too many people see only one good way to live and think that people who don't want that are weird and need to be corrected.

Bear in mind that not all marriages ARE sexually based. It would certainly not be the norm, but one could marry someone for love that is not sexual, with the intent not to have children, and live quite happily.

Sure they could. But as I said, that's kind of unusual, and a lot of people would find it easier to pretend they're in a normal marriage when they would be happier with no sex, no partner, and no kids. The whole family structure is a trap for them.

Also, how many people equate "bisexual" with "gay"? How many people, when told about asexuality, would equate it with "gay"? Simply put: A man says he's attracted to other men. To a lot of people, he's gay. Never mind that he could be just as attracted to women. The flip side: A man says he's not attracted to women. Again, that makes him gay, right? He could be unattracted to men as well. Frankly, that makes the perception worse. He's either into animals or children. The word "asexual" doesn't seem to have a foothold in the minds of people. It doesn't make sense to them.

I considered the possibility of becoming asexual in my younger years. I am not, however, asexual. I am, against all odds, heterosexual. I could choose to become celibate, but I am not asexual.

Human beings have an inbuilt drive-to-mate, though this drive may manifest itself through varying natures that do not nessacarially result in procreation (eg. homosexuality, beastiality.) they are still sexual drives. I challange you to find one true asexual and I will show you a liar.

-Rotovia

You are incorrect. I have a friend who is completely asexual. He has never been attracted sexually to anyone of either sex, has no interest in sex with animals, blow up toys, himself, anything. He is an interesting guy, and we have talked about this... he used to be bothered, when he was younger, by the fact that he was not at all interested in sex, but now finds the whole thing a little bit amusing. He did try it, both with women and men, mostly unsuccessfully and none of it was anything more than physical exercise for him. The funny thing is, he is really great at relationship advice.

*snip*
I considered the possibility of becoming asexual in my younger years. I am not, however, asexual. I am, against all odds, heterosexual. I could choose to become celibate, but I am not asexual.

I don't think asexuality is something you choose, any more than is homosexuality, it is something you either are, or aren't. You can choose to be celibate, choose to have sex with men or women, but anyone can choose any of that regardless of their actual sexuality (except, of course, in the case of people who are physically unable to perform).

Just a silly aside, but how do you figure that your heterosexuality is against the odds? You fit in with 90% of the population there. :p

Just bescause a person does not, or cannot, excerise the forfilment of their sexual will, does not mean they are unaffected by or lack the basic sexual drive

-Rotovia

Upon what evidence do you base this assumption?

Yes, we have.

There was Armandian Cheese......and Czardas too, I think...and some other guy...And probably others that I don't care to remember.


But meh. Do whatever makes you feel good. Or don't do it. Doesn't bother me.

New Anthrus was the other one. He was the crazy guy. Czardas, it might have been part of the persona. I don't know if we ever knew one way or another. Armandian Cheese was trying to be asexual, and failing, mainly because he was actuall heterosexual. He just had self esteem issues.

I don't think asexuality is something you choose, any more than is homosexuality, it is something you either are, or aren't. You can choose to be celibate, choose to have sex with men or women, but anyone can choose any of that regardless of their actual sexuality (except, of course, in the case of people who are physically unable to perform).

Just a silly aside, but how do you figure that your heterosexuality is against the odds? You fit in with 90% of the population there. :p

I thought about steps i could take to remove my sexual desire as well, which would make me artificially asexual, I suppose. Not quite the same, but at least I wouldn't make myself insane.

Also, if you knew my family, you would understand why my heterosexuality is against the odds. That's all I will say about that.

I thought about steps i could take to remove my sexual desire as well, which would make me artificially asexual, I suppose. Not quite the same, but at least I wouldn't make myself insane.

Also, if you knew my family, you would understand why my heterosexuality is against the odds. That's all I will say about that.

Wow! Bad idea. Sexual desire in and of itself is NOT A BAD THING even if you never act on it. Artificial asexuality is an extremely drastic measure, and if you are just confused and upset about things, go see a therapist first. Sex can be one of the most puzzling and confusing things about life, but there are ways to sort through it that don't involve radical alterations of either your body or its chemistry.

I certainly won't press for more info about your family, but your second paragraph seems like a therapist IS the way to go. Good luck with all of that!

But your case is not the same as someone who is physically asexual. You are celibate, which you can choose to give up if and when you meet the right person.

Do not let your parents rush you into a marriage just to be in a marriage, as that could be tragic for you, your partner, and most especially any children you might have. You will know if the right person comes along, and that will be the time to get married.

It is difficult for many to overcome the training they received when they were young, and our parents generation were still being taught that marriage is the end goal, that everything will be alright if only we have decendents to carry on after we are gone. It is sometimes hard to explain when one has different goals in life than family... but if you are not ready for a family, you should not look to have one.

I understand the difference between people who have no sexual drive and people who have no desire to have sexual intercourse.

Don't worry about my parents, they're horrible people in many ways so I generally don't listen to what they say anyway.

More on topic; I really am celibate. I'm not going to meet some 'right person'. That's like saying a gay person 'just hasn't met the right woman': it's probably not an accurate statement. I've known since I was 9 or so that I was never going to get married or have sexual intercourse. Not because of some physical factor restricting me or some fear of relationships. I just know that I am supposed to be celibate. Besides, it's probably better because my standards (not physical standards) for the other person would likely be far too high and extremely specific. I would probably be quite unhappy if I had ever been searching for some kind of partner.

I prefer emotional intimacy over the worship of the orgasm that modern culture seems to be all about.

I understand the difference between people who have no sexual drive and people who have no desire to have sexual intercourse.

Don't worry about my parents, they're horrible people in many ways so I generally don't listen to what they say anyway.

More on topic; I really am celibate. I'm not going to meet some 'right person'. That's like saying a gay person 'just hasn't met the right woman': it's probably not an accurate statement. I've known since I was 9 or so that I was never going to get married or have sexual intercourse. Not because of some physical factor restricting me or some fear of relationships. I just know that I am supposed to be celibate. Besides, it's probably better because my standards (not physical standards) for the other person would likely be far too high and extremely specific. I would probably be quite unhappy if I had ever been searching for some kind of partner.

I prefer emotional intimacy over the worship of the orgasm that modern culture seems to be all about.

May I ask how old you are?

Not that I doubt what you are saying at all, or wanting to "talk you out of it", just that I know from personal experience that aging does change your worldview, so I am wondering where you are at the moment in that journey.

May I ask how old you are?

Not that I doubt what you are saying at all, or wanting to "talk you out of it", just that I know from personal experience that aging does change your worldview, so I am wondering where you are at the moment in that journey.

I'm twenty years old.

I'm twenty years old.

OK... may I make a suggestion? Don't assume that you will not ever change your mind or your feelings about this. If you assume that, you may miss out on something down the road. If your feelings change, let them.

If they don't ever, that is OK too... not saying that where you are is in any way wrong, just that you shouldn't shut out the world of possibilities based soley on emotions you felt as a 9 year old.

OK... may I make a suggestion? Don't assume that you will not ever change your mind or your feelings about this. If you assume that, you may miss out on something down the road. If your feelings change, let them.

If they don't ever, that is OK too... not saying that where you are is in any way wrong, just that you shouldn't shut out the world of possibilities based soley on emotions you felt as a 9 year old.

I may have explained this poorly. I've continually felt that way. I just never thought about it until I was nine years old. When I told people they basically said "just wait, sex is so irresistable you will be having it all the time and getting married". I just never found that to be the case.

I'm generally a fairly bizzare person in comparison to my peers so soley for practicality it would be best if I didn't waste time searching for a partner. There are so many more interesting things to do.

In addition I would have very strict standards for raising children, and being aware that I can't know everything about raising children I wouldn't want to put them through some crappy childhood as some sort of experiment in parenting.

I also just don't want to have sex. I mean...I understand why people do but I just don't think it should be THE GOAL. I have several life goals and partners and children will just get in the way.


I don't mean to be arguing with you, I appreciate your comments and insight.

I may have explained this poorly. I've continually felt that way. I just never thought about it until I was nine years old. When I told people they basically said "just wait, sex is so irresistable you will be having it all the time and getting married". I just never found that to be the case.

I'm generally a fairly bizzare person in comparison to my peers so soley for practicality it would be best if I didn't waste time searching for a partner. There are so many more interesting things to do.

In addition I would have very strict standards for raising children, and being aware that I can't know everything about raising children I wouldn't want to put them through some crappy childhood as some sort of experiment in parenting.

I also just don't want to have sex. I mean...I understand why people do but I just don't think it should be THE GOAL. I have several life goals and partners and children will just get in the way.


I don't mean to be arguing with you, I appreciate your comments and insight.

Not arguing, discussing, and that is fine!

Let me tell you, though, that the searching for a partner thing may not always be an issue... and sometimes even though you don't look, the partner finds you.

Not arguing, discussing, and that is fine!

Let me tell you, though, that the searching for a partner thing may not always be an issue... and sometimes even though you don't look, the partner finds you.

I think that (for me), it isn't even the issue of the partner being hard to find. It would be that the partner doesn't in fact exist. So the search would be impractical because any fruit it would bear would be false.

That's not the reason why I'm celibate but it's good backup for people who think it's wrong to be that way.

I'm reluctant to agree with Rotovia, but on a certain level I do. All humans, like all animals, are born with a set of hardwired programming that governs our behavior when it comes to personal survival and survival of the species. Sex is one of those instincts that we come with by default. A true lack of that instinct would be a physiological mutation or medical disorder.

On the other hand, humanity has long had some bizarre obsession with the individual suppression of perfectly natural instinctual urges. The sex drive is the most common example of this. I don't think it would be that odd for someone to choose, for various reasons, to suppress the urge to mate with another human being. It's still there, but I imagine most people know how to scratch an itch.

As for myself, I have little interest in sexual relations with other people. I find most sex acts to be repulsively messy and not nearly worth the effort required to achieve them. Alcohol is much more fun. It's like an hours-long orgasm.

I'm reluctant to agree with Rotovia, but on a certain level I do. All humans, like all animals, are born with a set of hardwired programming that governs our behavior when it comes to personal survival and survival of the species. Sex is one of those instincts that we come with by default. A true lack of that instinct would be a physiological mutation or medical disorder.

On the other hand, humanity has long had some bizarre obsession with the individual suppression of perfectly natural instinctual urges. The sex drive is the most common example of this. I don't think it would be that odd for someone to choose, for various reasons, to suppress the urge to mate with another human being. It's still there, but I imagine most people know how to scratch an itch.

As for myself, I have little interest in sexual relations with other people. I find most sex acts to be repulsively messy and not nearly worth the effort required to achieve them. Alcohol is much more fun. It's like an hours-long orgasm.

I think you have a more realistic view of the situation than Rotovia. I think asexuals exist but that they are not by any means common.

I think you have a more realistic view of the situation than Rotovia. I think asexuals exist but that they are not by any means common.

I agree. Certainly not common, but they do exist.

I've been wondering about this lately. I really don't want to have sex, ever, because the idea of it disgusts me, and for that reason, I don't ever want to get married. I don't like the idea of ever being physically close to someone else. And I haven't really been attracted to anyone since the third grade, and I'm beginning to doubt that I was actually attracted to someone even then. I might have just convinced myself that I was. I can sort of tell if people are attractive now, but it doesn't affect me. So, I have been wondering if I am asexual.

I assure you, asexuals do exist. They are not too common, but they exist. Keep in mind also that society is against us, so that might limit the number of people who are openly asexual or even know about it. One cant categorize themselves in a category they never knew existed.

Asexuality is just a low level of heterosexuality and homosexuality, in the same way that bisexuality means you have high levels of both.

I've been wondering about this lately. I really don't want to have sex, ever, because the idea of it disgusts me, and for that reason, I don't ever want to get married. I don't like the idea of ever being physically close to someone else. And I haven't really been attracted to anyone since the third grade, and I'm beginning to doubt that I was actually attracted to someone even then. I might have just convinced myself that I was. I can sort of tell if people are attractive now, but it doesn't affect me. So, I have been wondering if I am asexual.

Honestly, that is not for us to say... and bear in mind that some people are "late bloomers" sexually, so who knows if you are just not there yet?

The thing is, this sort of a discussion is better held with a professional who knows what questions to ask you, and who can sit with you and help you work it out.

I believe that asexuality is probably a product of emotional or mental disorder. This is based on my very limited experiance with the subject, however.

I have a girlfriend that was asexual (or bordering on it). I found after talking with her about it, and delving with her into some of the emotional truama in her past, that it was the result of some negative experiances with physical intimacy she had when she was younger.

Since we uncovered that, and fully explored the feelings she had been repressing that were attached to it, she is now able to enjoy physical intimacy.

Now I want you to understand that she and I are waiting on sex until we get married, but she used to be very uncomfortable with cuddling or kissing. Now she is perfectly comfortable with, and even enjoys those activities.

I believe that asexuality is probably a product of emotional or mental disorder. This is based on my very limited experiance with the subject, however.

I have a girlfriend that was asexual (or bordering on it). I found after talking with her about it, and delving with her into some of the emotional truama in her past, that it was the result of some negative experiances with physical intimacy she had when she was younger.

Since we uncovered that, and fully explored the feelings she had been repressing that were attached to it, she is now able to enjoy physical intimacy.

Now I want you to understand that she and I are waiting on sex until we get married, but she used to be very uncomfortable with cuddling or kissing. Now she is perfectly comfortable with, and even enjoys those activities.

I certainly disagree with you in saying that it is a symptom of a mental disorder. I mean unless you consider homosexuality a mental disorder. Then it would be in the same way.

Wow! Bad idea. Sexual desire in and of itself is NOT A BAD THING even if you never act on it. Artificial asexuality is an extremely drastic measure, and if you are just confused and upset about things, go see a therapist first. Sex can be one of the most puzzling and confusing things about life, but there are ways to sort through it that don't involve radical alterations of either your body or its chemistry.

I certainly won't press for more info about your family, but your second paragraph seems like a therapist IS the way to go. Good luck with all of that!

As for artificial asexuality, I was not referring to cutting my member off or self-castration or anything permanent. Nope. I more looked for a pill that basically worked the opposite way as Viagra. One that I could take that would shut my sex drive up. Not as much of an extreme measure, but something I could take in order not to have to worry about a pesky sex drive. Frankly, something like that might just be useful anyway, so long as it isn't permanent and it wears off after a while. Oh yeah, and as few of those pesky side effects as possible.

As for therapists, they're useless. My parents tried to force me into some therapy with some guy who knows nothing. I am better off talking to a receptive person about it rather than going to some stranger, putting down too much money, and getting nowhere.

Honestly, that is not for us to say... and bear in mind that some people are "late bloomers" sexually, so who knows if you are just not there yet?

The thing is, this sort of a discussion is better held with a professional who knows what questions to ask you, and who can sit with you and help you work it out.

I guess I'll figure it out eventually.

I did go to a therapist once, but not about that, although I did mention being really uncomfortable and wanting to throw up when I saw other people kissing in real life (kisses in movies and tv shows don't bother me), but it was mostly about my problem where I got nauseous whenever I was around other people. It helped, but I still feel like I wouldn't ever want to be close to any one or kiss anyone.

Well then. As you will have noticed, homosexuality, bisexuality and heterosexuality has been discussed quite often on this forum. But what about asexuality? As in no sex what so ever? I don't think we've ever had a discussion on people who choose to never sexually interact. So why don't we have one? I myself feel like becoming asexual. No idea why. Just seems right.

You have a choice? I have no choice. I love punani. It controls me. :(

As for artificial asexuality, I was not referring to cutting my member off or self-castration or anything permanent. Nope. I more looked for a pill that basically worked the opposite way as Viagra. One that I could take that would shut my sex drive up. Not as much of an extreme measure, but something I could take in order not to have to worry about a pesky sex drive. Frankly, something like that might just be useful anyway, so long as it isn't permanent and it wears off after a while. Oh yeah, and as few of those pesky side effects as possible.

As for therapists, they're useless. My parents tried to force me into some therapy with some guy who knows nothing. I am better off talking to a receptive person about it rather than going to some stranger, putting down too much money, and getting nowhere.

I was always thinking a pill like that would be great. Taking one would be sort of against my religion though so I wouldn't do it. But it would be tempting.

Yeah a lot of therapy is crap. They make way too many assumptions and think they know everything there is to know about people.

Yeah a lot of therapy is crap. They make way too many assumptions and think they know everything there is to know about people.

Most probably are. I had a good therapist who was able to help me with some of my problems, and within the few visits insurance would cover, too.

As for therapists, they're useless. My parents tried to force me into some therapy with some guy who knows nothing. I am better off talking to a receptive person about it rather than going to some stranger, putting down too much money, and getting nowhere.

Therapists aren't useless at all, but as with anything else, you need to shop around a little. You have to find a therapist that you like, who fits you and your personality. Dismissing the whole profession just because the first therapist you went to wasn't for you makes about as much sense as deciding that girls are stupid because you met one girl who was an idiot. :p

I guess I'll figure it out eventually.

I did go to a therapist once, but not about that, although I did mention being really uncomfortable and wanting to throw up when I saw other people kissing in real life (kisses in movies and tv shows don't bother me), but it was mostly about my problem where I got nauseous whenever I was around other people. It helped, but I still feel like I wouldn't ever want to be close to any one or kiss anyone.

Kissing is so foul to me too. I mean, all the diseases people are exchaning. I just don't understand why people would want to do that. Nothing wrong with an embrace but exchanging mouth fluids is just foul.

I don't mind kissing on the cheeks like that since I come from an area with a lot of Italians and South Americans this is expected fairly frequently.

Kissing is so foul to me too. I mean, all the diseases people are exchaning. I just don't understand why people would want to do that. Nothing wrong with an embrace but exchanging mouth fluids is just foul.

I don't mind kissing on the cheeks like that since I come from an area with a lot of Italians and South Americans this is expected fairly frequently.

I agree. I probably wouldn't mind kissing someone on the cheek if I cared about them, but a kiss on the lips seems disgusting.

I dont believe a healthy mind can be entirely asexual, without masturbation.

I dont believe a healthy mind can be entirely asexual, without masturbation.

I'm telling you, that's what modern super sexualized society wants everyone to think. That if you don't have sex and buy movies with sex and buy the magazines blah blah blah, you won't be happy.

Wtf, we're human beings here. We should seek happiness in intellectual pursuits not the pursuit of having as many orgasms as possible. Besides, there are way better pleasures than orgasms in my opinion.

Besides, there are way better pleasures than orgasms in my opinion.
really? like what?

really? like what?

Well I already mentioned intellectual pursuits which I think are better in satisfaction and nature.

For physical things that I have experienced; a really good massage feels better to me, especially since it isn't so based on pleasure being derived from the fact that an orgasm is coming and then brief pleasure with a minor 'afterglow'.

I myself feel like becoming asexual.

Why the fuck would anyone want to be Asexual, you either are or you arn't.

really? like what?

Ever done skydiving? How about playing in a concert to a crowd of thousands of people?

etc....

Why the fuck would anyone want to be Asexual, you either are or you arn't.

It would be nice to not even have to bother dealing with that stuff in my opinion.

Ever done skydiving? How about playing in a concert to a crowd of thousands of people?

etc....

I have been bungee jumping and played in front of about 3,000 people... got anything else?

I have been bungee jumping and played in front of about 3,000 people... got anything else?

I'm willing to bet that was a classicle or ochestral concert :p If it is it's not quite the same thing. And bungee jumping apparently is no way near as good as skydiving.

Oh and some people say that some drugs are better then sex.

It would be nice to not even have to bother dealing with that stuff in my opinion.

That doesn't make you Asexual. Just shy.

I'm willing to bet that was a classicle or ochestral concert :p If it is it's not quite the same thing. And bungee jumping apparently is no way near as good as skydiving.

Oh and some people say that some drugs are better then sex.

Which time? most recently it was a few weeks back in my band, I sing and play bass, almost every other time I have played in front of that many people I was in some sort of punk band.

EDIT: yeah, I used to think drugs were better than sex too, until I met my husband. :)

I'm willing to bet that was a classicle or ochestral concert :p If it is it's not quite the same thing. And bungee jumping apparently is no way near as good as skydiving.

Oh and some people say that some drugs are better then sex.

Yeah I hear heroin really puts sex in its place.

I'm willing to bet that was a classicle or ochestral concert :p .

Im in, how much is our bet?

That doesn't make you Asexual. Just shy.

I'm not shy, I just don't want to have intercourse with people. I don't want to be flirted with. I don't want to bother with any occasional sexual feelings even if they aren't directed at anything.

Which time? most recently it was a few weeks back in my band, I sing and play bass, almost every other time I have played in front of that many people I was in some sort of punk band.

EDIT: yeah, I used to think drugs were better than sex too, until I met my husband. :)

Dammit smunkee you mightve just ruined a financial windfall for me!:gundge:

Post slower next time hmmkay?

Which time? most recently it was a few weeks back in my band, I sing and play bass, almost every other time I have played in front of that many people I was in some sort of punk band.

EDIT: yeah, I used to think drugs were better than sex too, until I met my husband. :)

Cool, I hope you don't mind me saying this but i find it suprising that a mensa member and mother etc... would be in a punk band. (oh and playing punk live isn't that great ;) you never really get into it.)

Dammit smunkee you mightve just ruined a financial windfall for me!:gundge:

Post slower next time hmmkay?

yes sir.

Cool, I hope you don't mind me saying this but i find it suprising that a mensa member and mother etc... would be in a punk band. (oh and playing punk live isn't that great ;) you never really get into it.)

I was in a punk band pre-mommy time. I quit when I got married, went back, recorded some stuff, and quit again to have a kid, went back, quit again to have another kid.

Playing punk live is very cool.

and yeah, there are many things about me that contradict stereotypes, I like being me.

Cool, I hope you don't mind me saying this but i find it suprising that a mensa member and mother etc... would be in a punk band. (oh and playing punk live isn't that great ;) you never really get into it.)

Punk is the best when it's live. It's not the same on a record.

I'm not shy, I just don't want to have intercourse with people. I don't want to be flirted with. I don't want to bother with any occasional sexual feelings even if they aren't directed at anything.

Whys that? Are you afraid you will only get hurt? Have you had bad experiences in the past?

I thought Asexuality meant that you don't have any sex drive.

Besides, there are way better pleasures than orgasms in my opinion.Have you ever had an orgasm?

yes sir.

It's OK, and sorry I may have been a little hasty and harsh myself.

Next time you set em up again, then I'll make the wager and then we can split the profits if you are willing

I was in a punk band pre-mommy time. I quit when I got married, went back, recorded some stuff, and quit again to have a kid, went back, quit again to have another kid.

Playing punk live is very cool.

Punk is the best when it's live. It's not the same on a record.

I have played and watched punk live in front of a large crowd. It's exciting, but just not the same as propper rock and roll trying to do the best solo ever etc... Oh and funk is great too.

Have you ever had an orgasm?


If you are offering I'll have one please.;)

Whys that? Are you afraid you will only get hurt? Have you had bad experiences in the past?

I thought Asexuality meant that you don't have any sex drive.

No, I'm just not interested and I don't understand why people have to do these things. I mean, some people don't like watching horror movies or something. It's just not something I have any desire to do. I don't fear that people will reject me or something. I just don't see people as sexual objects-I only believe in permanent, commited, monogamous relationships and I am not interested in having one with anyone.


Have you ever had an orgasm?
Yes, when I was younger I experienced a lot of orgasms.

If you are offering I'll have one please.;)Lol. Well, this is a first for me, on NS. :) I had no idea you were bisexual.

Yes, when I was younger I experienced a lot of orgasms.Hm. Well, depending on how old you were, you might not have been very good at masturbation.

No, I'm just not interested and I don't understand why people have to do these things. I mean, some people don't like watching horror movies or something. It's just not something I have any desire to do. I don't fear that people will reject me or something. I just don't see people as sexual objects-I only believe in permanent, commited, monogamous relationships and I am not interested in having one with anyone.

Yes, when I was younger I experienced a lot of orgasms.

Ok forget sex for a second. Are you rejecting the concept of love altogether?! Without love then... welll.... it would be depressing.

*starts singing all you need is love by the Beatles*

Hm. Well, depending on how old you were, you might not have been very good at masturbation.

I assure you I was quite competent and masturbating a lot from when I was 11 through 18 years old.

I assure you I was quite competent and masturbating a lot from when I was 11 through 18 years old.Ah, I see. I take it this means you don't do it anymore?

No, I'm just not interested and I don't understand why people have to do these things. I mean, some people don't like watching horror movies or something. It's just not something I have any desire to do. I don't fear that people will reject me or something. I just don't see people as sexual objects-I only believe in permanent, commited, monogamous relationships and I am not interested in having one with anyone.
hey I totally don't care if you choose to have sex or not, but if someone is going to go around saying they found tons of things that are better than orgasms, I have to question that, you know for my own education.

Ah, I see. I take it this means you don't do it anymore?

Indeed.

hey I totally don't care if you choose to have sex or not, but if someone is going to go around saying they found tons of things that are better than orgasms, I have to question that, you know for my own education.
Those comments were more directed towards hydesland.
I think the best things 'better than orgasm' don't feel very much physically but are more of a mental satisfaction. Not some satisfaction like 'winning' a debate or winning a game of chess but simply pursuing certain interests or reasoning.

hey I totally don't care if you choose to have sex or not, but if someone is going to go around saying they found tons of things that are better than orgasms, I have to question that, you know for my own education.

Also, sorry if I come off as harsh to people here sometimes about that stuff I really don't mean to be.
It's just annoying to me that everyone in contemporary Western soceity believes that a person must be a certain way and if he isn't he is deficient in some way.

Indeed.

Those comments were more directed towards hydesland.
I think the best things 'better than orgasm' don't feel very much physically but are more of a mental satisfaction. Not some satisfaction like 'winning' a debate or winning a game of chess but simply pursuing certain interests or reasoning.Do you derive a certain satisfaction from not masturbating or pursuing sex?

.
Western soceity believes that a person must be a certain way and if he isn't he is deficient in some way.

Now thats a bit of a generalized comment isn't it.

Sucks for the asexual cuz he/she won't be able to experience sexual pleasures... but good for the world since we already have enough children as it is.

Do you derive a certain satisfaction from not masturbating or pursuing sex?

Not particularly. In the same way that I don't derive satisfaction from not doing labor. It would not be enjoyable but I don't sit around enjoying not doing labor.


As for masturbating, that's hardly any work at all. I no longer do it because I didn't particularly enjoy it. I just did it for something to do when I was bored or to relieve erection. There is also some 'sexual tension' or desire or whatever people call it which is annoying so to be rid of it for a while is better.

I decided that to give into something that I don't like because it is unpleasant to me in a way isn't the right thing to do. It is better to reject that thing and overcome the difficulties instead of using a lot of quick temporary fixes.


By the way, I like the name. Jello is a great guy.

Also, sorry if I come off as harsh to people here sometimes about that stuff I really don't mean to be.
It's just annoying to me that everyone in contemporary Western soceity believes that a person must be a certain way and if he isn't he is deficient in some way.

hey I get it, people seem to be attacking your personal choice on something that is none of their business. I got kinda short with people on the mensa thread who seem to think that because I choose to spend one night a week with a certain group of people that I am automatically self absorbed and elitist.

hey I get it, people seem to be attacking your personal choice on something that is none of their business. I got kinda short with people on the mensa thread who seem to think that because I choose to spend one night a week with a certain group of people that I am automatically self absorbed and elitist.

Yes, sadly to say I believe I was the main person you were debating with. Although I have to say I still think the group is elitist in nature. I don't think you, or even many, of the members are elitist though. I think it is elitist in concept, not in practice. I have never been a member of mensa or participated in any of their activities, nor have I met a member in person to my knowledge so I don't want to judge an entire group of people that I can't even make a stereotype about based on one guy I've met.
I understand what you mean though.

Not particularly. In the same way that I don't derive satisfaction from not doing labor. It would not be enjoyable but I don't sit around enjoying not doing labor.


As for masturbating, that's hardly any work at all. I no longer do it because I didn't particularly enjoy it. I just did it for something to do when I was bored or to relieve erection. There is also some 'sexual tension' or desire or whatever people call it which is annoying so to be rid of it for a while is better.

I decided that to give into something that I don't like because it is unpleasant to me in a way isn't the right thing to do. It is better to reject that thing and overcome the difficulties instead of using a lot of quick temporary fixes.That's what I meant; do you get a certain satisfaction from not giving into something that is unpleasant to you?

By the way, I like the name. Jello is a great guy.Why thank you.

That's what I meant; do you get a certain satisfaction from not giving into something that is unpleasant to you?


It's more of a lack of dissatisfaction, if that makes any sense to you. I suppose that is satisfaction in a sense but I don't feel good in some way because I'm not doing that. I'm just no longer unhappy with myself.

Wow, I fail at quoting.

Wow, I fail at quoting.Stick a bracket at the beginning of the end /QUOTE

I'm not sure asexuality is so horrible, I myself prefer feeling happy, or in love "mentally" rather than "physically". But I'm not asexual. I just think hugging a person and loving that person is the best.

I'm not sure asexuality is so horrible, I myself prefer feeling happy, or in love "mentally" rather than "physically". But I'm not asexual. I just think hugging a person and loving that person is the best.

Indeed, that stuff is pretty sweet.

It's more of a lack of dissatisfaction, if that makes any sense to you. I suppose that is satisfaction in a sense but I don't feel good in some way because I'm not doing that. I'm just no longer unhappy with myself.You were unhappy with yourself because you masturbated?

My neighbor is egosexual...And he doesn't have curtains.

You were unhappy with yourself because you masturbated?

Yes, I see it as a silly/pathetic thing to do. No offense to anyone here who does that but, that's how I see it.

Yes, I see it as a silly/pathetic thing to do. No offense to anyone here who does that but, that's how I see it.Apes masturbate. They don't know any better.

Neither do I. How's masturbation any more silly/pathetic than eating or breathing?

I'm willing to bet that was a classicle or ochestral concert :p If it is it's not quite the same thing.

This is off-topic from the real discussion, but as a classical musician, I really had to address this. If you think we don't get a high off of performing in front of thousands of people, or that classical music is somehow staid, unemotional, or unexciting, you couldn't be more wrong. Just so you know. :p

Well, it's just that you are in a massive orchestra and unless you have a big solo not everyone pays attention to just you.

I find it absolutely appalling the misconceptions about love and sex and sexuality some people have.

Asexuality does indeed exist, but naturally asexual people are not nearly as common as many claim – most instances are either people choosing to be celibate or have suffered some severe psychological trauma.

Now, I’ve read a couple of misconceptions that I really have to shake my head at.

First off – orgasms are not the end-all be all of pleasure. Anyone other than some homophobic frat-boy will tell you that.

Sex is not all about the orgasms. Someone mentioned that a good massage is better than sex to them – my response is that a good massage IS good sex (or at least great foreplay). I’ve had several sessions where I did not come at all but still considered it great sex.

There is no fine line between sexual (like digital stimulation – that means fingers you nerd) and sensual (great massage); it is a vast grey area. You can transition from one to the other and back again without even noticing. It is all about what feels good, and sensual feelings (like how it feels nice to relax in the sun) or sexual feelings (like having your lover gently caress you) are pretty much all the same feelings.

Some people simply do not get turned on without massive amounts of foreplay – as in take loads of sensual pleasures and let them build (sometimes it can take hours) until you get fully aroused. There is nothing wrong with this. Additionally, if you stop before it gets very sexual, there is nothing wrong with that either.

Sex used to be of very little interest to me. I honestly looked at it as being equivalent to playing a sport - good physical activity and a focus on development of skills. The latter especially has paid off :) I had no actual interest in sex until I was in my mid-20s. When I was younger I liked the companionship and basically was involved in relationships simply because I felt lonely. These days I enjoy a rather full sex life.

I even came to a rather interesting revelation about myself a couple of days ago (everyone is continually growing and evolving). While I still enjoy sex with friends and even strangers (friends of friends really – I have no interest in someone I cannot be friends with), first and foremost I must have an emotionally fulfilling relationship (not necessarily with the people I am sleeping with) or I have negligible libido.

If I do not have a girlfriend (or a couple a very close friends) I am not interested, not even when women I otherwise love having sex with come up to try to turn me on. When I am emotionally fulfilled, I’m horny as a goat and sleep with anyone that catches my eye.

When I meet a beautiful person I do not think ‘wow, I want to bend them over a chair and [something highly energetic – use your imagination as I am probably on the edge of the line as it is]’. I just get a warm fuzzy inside like I want to curl up on the couch and cuddle – which then cuddling leads me to desire a slightly higher level of sexual contact, which leads to… so on and so forth.

Just because you see a beautiful girl and don’t want to bend her over a chair, just because you see a hot guy and don’t want him to throw you down and jump on top of you does NOT mean you are asexual or in any way sexually deficient.

Sexuality is a varied and highly complex thing – not everyone is going to be what is portrayed as the ‘typical whatever’.

Now if you are one of those people to whom the very idea of sex is ‘disgusting’, please please please see a therapist. Were you asexual then sex just wouldn’t interest you – it would be no different than doing needlepoint or crochet. If it disgusts you, it is because you have some psychological issues and you should see a therapist – revulsion is not a lack of interest but is indicating some sort of trauma or psychosis.

I really wish society was not so horridly prudish – if people could talk about these things openly without everyone thinking what others would think about them, or without people getting all judgmental, people would be much healthier sexually (as in their mental views of sex and their self-image).

Apes masturbate. They don't know any better.

Neither do I. How's masturbation any more silly/pathetic than eating or breathing?

It just strikes me as a funny thing to do. Eating and breathing are part of remaining alive. Masturbating has no purpose whatsoever. It's just a thing to do with an instinct and a body part. If no one had any sexual feelings it would be much more hilarious to the average person. I mean just think about what is actually being done and what people look like while they're doing it.

And as human beings, we are the type of ape that is able to know better. At least I'd like to think so.

Lol. Well, this is a first for me, on NS. :) I had no idea you were bisexual.



Neither did I. I wonder how my poor old parents will take the mews?

Well, it's just that you are in a massive orchestra and unless you have a big solo not everyone pays attention to just you.

...that's what you see as the fun part? Huh.

Clearly, your experiences with musical performance and mine have been very different. Me, there's nothing I love more than being in a really, really good choir. Individual recognition is certainly very nice and all - I do solo work too - but what blows my mind is being part of a whole that is unambiguously greater than the sum of its parts, and using that whole to create something transcendant. To make what will sound like an absurd comparison, performing in a really good choir is rather like taking part in some sort of ethereal, love-filled orgy. :p

(And, you know, it's a pretty amazing feeling when you look out at your audience and see tears streaming down every third person or so's face. I had that happen at a few concerts with the Very, Very Good Choir I worked with for a couple of years, and it's rather awesome.)

Now if you are one of those people to whom the very idea of sex is ‘disgusting’, please please please see a therapist. Were you asexual then sex just wouldn’t interest you – it would be no different than doing needlepoint or crochet. If it disgusts you, it is because you have some psychological issues and you should see a therapist – revulsion is not a lack of interest but is indicating some sort of trauma or psychosis.

I don't feel I need to see a therapist about it. I saw a therapist about getting sick from being around people, because that was harmful to me. Being disgusted by the idea of sex isn't harmful to me, so I needn't see a therapist about it. Any sort of sexual things seem really gross and pointless to me. I understand that many people derive enjoyment from such things, but I doubt I ever could, and, as I don't really ever want to have children, I see no other reason to engage in any sort of sexual activity.