NationStates Jolt Archive

This has probably been done before, but does anyone know any amusing quotes - I only thought of this because I was helping my cousin's son Mathieu with his (I think) history h/w, and we were researching Queen Mary, the granny of the present Queen of the UK.
Her last words were along the lines of:
'There is one thing which I have not done, which I would like to have; and that is to jump over a fence."

Or from the Queen:
"You'd better answer that. It might be someone important."
Said to a young lady (who was invited to have tea with her) when her mobile phone rang during their talk, with a smile. This was an apparent reference to the TV show Keeping Up Appearances.

"If it were not for the shitting mechanical duck, there would be nothing to remind us of the glory of France." -Voltaire

"My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family" - Emo Phillips

"My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family" - Emo Phillips

"My grandmother was dead, but she was still voting. It was the first time we ever had a Republican in the family."

These ballot initiatives remind us that America is the land where people are free to dream whatever they want, so long as that dream doesn't make Midwesterners feel icky! -Lewis Black

The whole religious complexion of the modern world is due to the absence from Jerusalem of a lunatic asylum.-Thomas Paine

Rodney Dangerfield's epitaph: "There goes the neighborhood."

Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.

Albert Einstein

If life were fair, Dan Quayle would be making a living asking 'Do you want fries with that?'

John Cleese

True friends stab you in the front.

Oscar Wilde

Amid this whole uproar [over gays in the military], the most apt comment I heard was on my local eleven o'clock TV news when they interviewed a woman on the street. She said, "I don't understand somethin'. These guys are supposed to travel all over the world, live in trenches, sleep in mud, and walk over minefields. But they can't take some guy lookin' at 'em?"

Sara Cytron and Harriet Malinowitz, Take My Domestic Partner... Please!

We love soccer players:

"Milano or Madrid? Main thing is it's in Italy"

"A third more? I want at least a fourth more!"

"That he fouled me and hindered me from scoring, I could have lived with, but when he called me a 'pardon' I lost my temper"

"How many people are going to emulate now, trying to go to high school like Sharon Stone, with no underwear on because she uncrossed her legs in front of five detectives?" ~ US Representative Bob Dornan (R-California)

"I want to thank my friend, Senator Bill Frist, for joining us today ... He married a Texas girl, I want you to know. Karyn is with us. A West Texas girl, just like me." ~ President George W. Bush

For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings. And, folks, this is unacceptable in America. It's just unacceptable. And we're going to do something about it.

Bush ( who else :p)

"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." ~ GWB

And to be fair ...

"I did not have sexual relations with that woman." ~ President William Jefferson Clinton.

How about "I am not a crook"?

How about "I am not a crook"?

Yes, good one. :p

If life were fair, Dan Quayle would be making a living asking 'Do you want fries with that?'

John Cleese

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." - Dan Quayle

"It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it."
-Mark Twain

How about "I am not a crook"?

Goddamn bitch set me up! - Marion Barry

"Happiness is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth."

For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings. And, folks, this is unacceptable in America. It's just unacceptable. And we're going to do something about it.

Bush ( who else :p)

As soon as I read the OP I thought to myself, "he really should have included the disclamer 'no Bush quotes. They're good, but there's too damned many of them."

"Don't knock masturbation; it's sex with someone I love." -Woody Allen

"I'm a practicing heterosexual, but being bisexual immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." -- Woody Allen

"Where would this country be without this great land of ours?" -- Ronald Reagan

"Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk." -- Stephen King

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."
- Ellen DeGeneres

"I prefer to think that God is not dead, just drunk"
- John Huston

"In the beggining, the universe was created. This made a lot of people very angry and has widely been regarded as a bad move." -- Douglas Adams

Some Calvin and Hobbes quotes:
I'm learning real skills that I can apply throughout the rest of my life ... Procrastinating and rationalizing.

C-You can't just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood.
H-What mood is that?
C-Last-minute panic.

"The quickest way to end the war is to lose it." - George Orwell

"Oxygen is for losers!" - Lister's Confidence in Red Dwarf

"You are the ugliest woman I've ever seen."
"Mr. Churchill, you're drunk!"
"Yes, but in the morning, I shall be sober."

Winston Churchill in some pub or something. I don't know. Ask him.

"Quick! Intellectually blugeon your faith!" - node title on Everything2.com

"I have never seen a situation so dismal that a policeman couldn't make it worse." - Irish writer Brendan Behan

"We are the unwilling, led by the unqualified, doing the unnecessary for the ungrateful." - Graffiti at a 1970 American Air Base in Vietnam

"You don't know a woman till you've met her in court." - Norman Mailer

"Baby tastes like chicken with garlic sauce and a side of bacon" - Dick Cheney

"Baby tastes like chicken with garlic sauce and a side of bacon" - Dick Cheney

The best part is the fat.

The best part is the fat.

And how!

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy
- Ben Franklin

"You cannot be president of the United States if you don't have faith. Remember Lincoln, going to his knees in times of trial and the Civil War and all that stuff. You can't be. And we are blessed. So don't feel sorry for — don't cry for me, Argentina. Message: I care."

--George H.W. Bush, speaking to employees of an insurance company during the 1992 New Hampshire primary

"I will not engage in a battle of wits with a man who is unarmed." -Mark Twain

"You are the ugliest woman I've ever seen."
"Mr. Churchill, you're drunk!"
"Yes, but in the morning, I shall be sober."

Winston Churchill in some pub or something. I don't know. Ask him.

That's one of a collection of Winston Churchill/Lady Astor jokes. I suspect they are based more in sketch comedy than fact. Some that I remember off the top of my head.

WC - Would you go to bed with me for a million pounds?
LA - Well, I suppose I would.
WC - Would you go to bed with me for a hundred pounds?
LA - What kind of woman do you think I am?
WC - We have already established what kind, now we are negotiating the price.

(the most famous one)
LA - Mr. Churchill if you were my husband I'd put poison in your coffee!
WC - Madame, if you were my wife, I would drink it.

But my favorite quote has nothing to do with Lady Astor.
On the issue of ending sentences with prepositions he is said to have said, "this is the sort of English up with which I cannot put."

It really adds a sting if you use that quote before telling a grammarian "your ass is what you can stick your grammer nazism up."

"God is dead." -Nietzsche
"Nietzsche is dead." -God

That's one of a collection of Winston Churchill/Lady Astor jokes. I suspect they are based more in sketch comedy than fact. Some that I remember off the top of my head.

WC - Would you go to bed with me for a million pounds?
LA - Well, I suppose I would.
WC - Would you go to bed with me for a hundred pounds?
LA - What kind of woman do you think I am?
WC - We have already established what kind, now we are negotiating the price.

(the most famous one)
LA - Mr. Churchill if you were my husband I'd put poison in your coffee!
WC - Madame, if you were my wife, I would drink it.

But my favorite quote has nothing to do with Lady Astor.
On the issue of ending sentences with prepositions he is said to have said, "this is the sort of English up with which I cannot put."

It really adds a sting if you use that quote before telling a grammarian "your ass is what you can stick your grammer nazism up."

I don't entirely get the WC jokes, but they are funny.
Interesting quoteon the grammatical subject. The region in the US that I'm from, we're known for doing the same, but more along the lines of "That's where my house is at." or "Where is that at?"

As well as saying 'pop' as opposed to 'soda' etc

As soon as I read the OP I thought to myself, "he really should have included the disclamer 'no Bush quotes. They're good, but there's too damned many of them."

He is a she.

I would rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal labotomy...WC Fields

I would rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy...WC Fields

I'm not sure Mr. Fields said that (I've seen it attributed to Tom Waits, too) but it sounds like him. Groucho Marx told a story about going to visit Fields and being shown the attic, which was full of cases of booze. "Bill, Prohibition is over," Groucho said. "Yes, but it could come back!" answered Fields.

"...more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol."

"To me, these biblical stories are just so many fish stories, and I'm not specifically referring to Jonah and the whale. I need indisputable proof of anything I'm asked to believe."


"Just looking for loopholes."
(Fields, reading the Bible on his deathbed.)

"If I ever found a church that didn't believe in knocking all the other churches, I might consider joining it."
WC on religion.

"Smile, and the world will smile with you. Laugh and they'll all think you're on drugs."


"Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm."


"None of us are virgins, life has screwed us all."

Dr. Johnson after being chided by some women for including "naughty" words in his Dictionary: "Why, ladies, were you looking for them?"

"Praising an assassination for not being a war is like praising genital herpes for not being AIDS." - Me, on a topic concerning Hugo Chavez.

"George Bush doesn't care about black people."

"What they need to do is get Syria to get Hezbollah to stop doing this s**t, and it's over." - President George W. Bush, USA

"I tell you honestly, I just wanted to stroke him like a kitten and it came out in this gesture. There is nothing behind it." - President Vladimir Putin, Russian Federation

"I like the color red because it's a fire. And I see myself as always being on fire." - Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Honestly, if you were Ann Coulter's attorney at a sanity hearing, where could you possibly start?" - Keith Olbermann, MSNBC

These aren't quotes, but they are proverbs, which are close enough.

"If you find excrement in a village, the chief is the one who put it there."

"A mouse that goes hungry in a groundnut store has only itself to blame."

"It's when it rains that you can pee your pants with a closed mind." (or something to that effect)

Those are proverbs from the Democratic Republic of the Congo. I don't remember which tribes, though.

George Bernard Shaw's wife, responding to his comment that women were less discriminating than men, "why, I suppose that's true, after all, you married me and I married you."

"Fundementalists are more mental than fun." - Bumper Sticker

"Fundementalists are more mental than fun." - Bumper Sticker

You're so vain.
I bet you think this sticker's about you - bumper sticker

Menu in Greece - 1 Roast Child ( supposed to be 1 Roast Kid, as in goat)
I love lost in translationers!I did it once, as a six year-old - i tried to say " hell" but ended up saying "halo". I couldn't understand why my Governmess and English Mistress where laughing so much.

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious."
- Alan Minter, Boxer

"This is no longer a slum neighborhood. I haven't heard of a Cubs fan being shot in a long time."
- Anonymous Wrigley Field Neighbor, Chicago, IL

"The internet is a great way to get on the net."
- Bob Dole, Republican presidential candidate

"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago"
- Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice-President

"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system!"
- Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President on the concept of a manned mission to Mars

"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix."
- Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President

"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer."
- David Acfield

"The world is more like it is now then it ever has before."
- Dwight Eisenhower

"I have opinions of my own --strong opinions-- but I don't always agree with them."
- George Bush, former U.S. President [That'd be the first one!]

"I do not like this word "bomb." It is not a bomb. It is a device that is exploding."
- Jacques le Blanc, French ambassador on nuclear weapons

"Solutions are not the answer."
- Richard Nixon, former U.S. President

"Permitted vehicles not allowed."
- Road sign on US 27

"SAFETY FIRST: Please put on your seat belt - prepare for accident."
- Sign on backseat of a NYC taxi

"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick, not wounded: dead."
— Woody Allen.

"Practice safe eating — always use condiments."

"The devil came to me last night and asked what I wanted in exchange for my soul. I still can't believe I said pizza. Friggin' cravings." — Marc Ostroff.

"I think they should put a warning label on strawberries: 'Caution: tastes nothing like a strawberry milkshake'." — Ryan Kaplan.

The shopping centre near where I live has many funny quotes from conversations that took place there. Two of my friends made it on there!

"What makes you think you can steal my food?"
"We're married?"

There not as we're all only between 16 - 18 but it was funny.

" I would like a cheeseburger without the cheese>"
"So you want a hamburger?"
"Is that a cheeseburger without cheese?"
"Yes it's a hamburger."
"Okay I'll have the cheeseburger without the cheese."
"So thats one hamburger?"

"Aliens aren't weird. They're just humans that evolved differently."

"My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family" - Emo Phillips

"My grandmother was dead, but she was still voting. It was the first time we ever had a Republican in the family."

"My grandmother was dead, but no one buried her. It was the first time we ever had an independent in the family.”

"It depends on what the meaning of the word 'is' is."
~A certain former President.

"A friend in need's a friend indeed. A friend with weed is better."

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy
- Ben Franklin

So's bacon. Especially bacon.

"I am a giant ****."

Albert Einstein.

“I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.” - Mahatma Gandhi

"It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes." - Douglas Adams

"There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened." - Douglas Adams

"Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job." - Douglas Adams

"A friend in need's a friend indeed. A friend with weed is better."
Freaky, thats Placebo and i was thinking of that just today. :eek:
Great minds think alike.;)

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall". - Eleanor Roosevelt

Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan

I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit. - Mel Brooks

Death is not the end. There remains the litigation over the estate - Ambrose Bierce

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn. - Fulton Sheen

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female. - Desmond Morris

The most terrifying words in the English langauge are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help. - Ronald Reagan

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force - Dorothy Parker

Most rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who can't talk for people who can't read. - Frank Zappa

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me - Hunter S. Thompson

Freaky, thats Placebo and i was thinking of that just today. :eek:
Great minds think alike.;)

I thought you didn't like Placebo. Why were you thinking about them? :confused:

I thought you didn't like Placebo. Why were you thinking about them? :confused:
Well, they are the only lyrics i know and umm, my mind wandered from another subject.;)

"Never let thinking get in the way of a good idea. Sounds contradictory, but not as contradictory and the idea of you thinking at all"-me

"How can he still be fat? He's been spewing bullshit out all his life and they've been eating it up. Plus, facts go in one ear and immediately out the other. If anything, he should look like one of those bulemic models. He's even got the acid-eroded teeth to prove it."-also me

"When life hands you lemons, make lemonade. It should be easier for you since life didn't rip it in half and shove both halves into your eye balls."-also me

Damn the torpedo's!

"They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--."
- Last words of General John Sedgwick, corps commander in the Army of the Potomac during the Civil War.

"technically, tomatoes aren't vegetables.
they're really a kind of dolphin"

-great lies to tell small kids

"America has given us George W Bush, France has given us the ménage à trois. France wins!"

http://www.randi.org/images/062405-mayor.jpg

"America has given us George W Bush, France has given us the ménage à trois. France wins!"

The ménage à trois can be arranged, but would you really want to share me with harlsburg?

...

It really adds a sting if you use that quote before telling a grammarian "your ass is what you can stick your grammer nazism up."

Unfortunately, that would be incorrect. You're trying for "your ass is that up which you can stick your grammar nazism." Sheesh! People like you give us unnecessary work.

http://test256.free.fr/UN%20Cards/grammarnazi3jh.png

[/grammar-nazi]

Give a man a fire and he’s warm for a day, but set fire to him and he’s warm for the rest of his life. - Jingo by Terry Pratchet

Menu in Greece - 1 Roast Child ( supposed to be 1 Roast Kid, as in goat)
I love lost in translationers!

Indeed!

Back in April I was walking past a restaurant in Port Grimaud, Côte d'Azur (the French Riviera), and I noticed something on the menu outside which made me stop. One of the dishes on offer, in the English version, was "believed ham plate".

A little surprised, I checked the French equivalent, and understood where it had come from. The French menu listed "assiette de jambon cru"; "cru" means "raw"/"uncooked", but it can also mean "believed". Obviously they'd picked (or Babelfished) the wrong meaning... I read on.

Here are a few selected dishes you can ask for if you ever visit that restaurant. Bon appétit!

* Believed Ham Plate
* Salad of Goat Heat and its Smoked Plugs
* The Dozen Snails "House"
* Fish Soup with its Rust, Let Us Croutons and Gruyeres
* Paving Stone of Ox to Pepper
* Poellees Gambas, Blazes with the Pastis
* Tart House

:p

Indeed!

Back in April I was walking past a restaurant in Port Grimaud, Côte d'Azur (the French Riviera), and I noticed something on the menu outside which made me stop. One of the dishes on offer, in the English version, was "believed ham plate".

A little surprised, I checked the French equivalent, and understood where it had come from. The French menu listed "assiette de jambon cru"; "cru" means "raw"/"uncooked", but it can also mean "believed". Obviously they'd picked (or Babelfished) the wrong meaning... I read on.

Here are a few selected dishes you can ask for if you ever visit that restaurant. Bon appétit!

* Believed Ham Plate
* Salad of Goat Heat and its Smoked Plugs
* The Dozen Snails "House"
* Fish Soup with its Rust, Let Us Croutons and Gruyeres
* Paving Stone of Ox to Pepper
* Poellees Gambas, Blazes with the Pastis
* Tart House

:p

:D

I've seen Spare Ribs translated as Leftover Carcass - however they got that - mid you, it was a triple translation (by my Chinese friend Qin Meihong/ Meihong Qin to English from Luxembourgish).

Time for some assorted Robin Williams quotes:

"Some people are born great, some people acheive greatness, and others get it as a graduation present--but that's okay!"

"[George Bush] talking about business ethics is like a leper giving you a facial"

"Remember, it's not just a sin; it's a felony"

"My grandmother was dead, but she was still voting. It was the first time we ever had a Republican in the family."

sorry, that happened to a friend of mine... and she was voting Democrat.

"It's not that there is an overabundance of stupid people, it's just that lightning isn't distributed properly." Mark Twain

The only problem with Baptists is they don't hold them under long enough.
Bumper sticker

Cold weather is God's way of telling us to burn more Catholics.
Lady Blackadder

People ask me why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them I have the heart of a small boy- I keep it in a jar on my desk.
Stephen King

It doesn't matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you don't do it in the street and frighten the horses.
Mrs Patrick Campbell

Time for some assorted Robin Williams quotes:
"Mickey Mouse to a 3 yr old is a six fook fucking RAT!"

"Men can't fake an orgasm... who wants to look that stupid on purpose"

"When you're having sex, you feel like a GOD! but when you have an orgasm, you look like god-dammed GOOFY"

"Is our Children learning?"- George Bush Jr. (direct quote, no grammer corrected)

"In an interview on 'Nightline' the other night, Hillary Clinton says she has to face what she calls the 'Goldilocks' theory of politics, where she's too liberal for some, too moderate for others, and never just right. If there's anybody who can identify with the Goldilocks story, it's Hillary Clinton. I mean, how many times has she come home and found someone sleeping in her bed?." --Jay Leno

Unfortunately, that would be incorrect. You're trying for "your ass is that up which you can stick your grammar nazism." Sheesh! People like you give us unnecessary work.

[/grammar-nazi]

I was wondering how long it would take for this to be corrected needlessly by a grammar Nazi...seeing as how it was deliberately poor grammar just to prove a point. Sheesh, now I guess you're going to have to go back to Taco Bell and pick up your sense of humor.

OK, now for an amusing quote...

For those of you who enjoy American football, this one comes from a Sunday night game a few years ago between the Seattle Seahawks and Minnesota Vikings: "Well, for those of you just joining us, the summary so far has been pretty simple. The Seahawks won the toss and elected to kick the living bejesus out of the Vikings."

Now for one more up to date...let's see...from the TV show American Inventor, depicting a contestant whose invention (which was probably insane anyway) was rejected by the judges:

"If I could say just one thing to those judges, it'd be... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... (dramatic pause) ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...POOP!"

One more from my college days, albeit it's a bit of a two-parter...a hallmate came up scared out of his mind because he had just had a confrontation with someone downstairs: "He was wearing a Dr. Pepper shirt, so I called him Dr. Pepper...he tried to put a drill bit in my ear." I don't remember the whole exchange, but for the rest of the time he lived in our hall, we called him "Drill Bit."

"Every day I do as Mark Twain did. I get up, read the obituaries, if I'm not there, I go on with my life" - A friend of mine

"Stop explaining, I'm alrealdy bored."

Quotes from a movie not out yet...

"Man of the Year"

Tom Dobbs: Politicians are a lot like diapers. They should be changed frequently, and for the same reasons.

Tom Dobbs: [to group of reporters] I did inhale because I thought 'What the hell, it's lit, it's in my hand, I'll inhale it.'

Tom Dobbs: [to a group of reporters] When I was a young boy, I used to look at pictures of naked ladies.

Tom Dobbs: [walking through a group of reporters] I just farted a little bit back there, if any of you were going to ask.

Tom Dobbs: [at a presidental debate] If you're representing special interest groups, maybe we should be like NASCAR with the little patches on the back: 'Enron: We take your money and run!'

Tom Dobbs: [at a presidental debate] You want an amendment against same sex marriage! Anyone who's ever been married knows it's always the same sex!

Reporter: Have you given any thought to what the makeup of your cabinet might be?
Tom Dobbs: I've always been a fan of hard woods like teak or mahagony.

Tom Dobbs: Just off the top of my head, I was thinking: Bruce Springsteen, Secretary of State.

Tom Dobbs: I did not have sex with that woman. I wanted to...

Newscaster: At 1:23 East Coast Time, the free world will now be led by a comedian.
Jack Menken: Whoops.

"Stop i cautioned my self. you should not look at him as if he were a race horse for sale. But his hair was a beautyful chestnut color..." ~ Fever 1793

I was wondering how long it would take for this to be corrected needlessly by a grammar Nazi...seeing as how it was deliberately poor grammar just to prove a point. Sheesh, now I guess you're going to have to go back to Taco Bell and pick up your sense of humor.


I thought his correction of my bad grammer was amusing in itself. If he were sincere I think he would have corrected me with "you can stick your grammar nazism up your ass."

Rather like when a friend of mine commented "I hate the way this guy talks. 'actually, the hypotenuse of the circumference of the...'"

I responded, "Actually, a hypotenuse is a line segment. It can't have a circumference."

I was wondering how long it would take for this to be corrected needlessly by a grammar Nazi...seeing as how it was deliberately poor grammar just to prove a point. Sheesh, now I guess you're going to have to go back to Taco Bell and pick up your sense of humor.

*snip*

Sorry, did I take too long?

As for "needlessly", I suppose that depends upon whether or not you think mangling language is a good idea or not.

Face it; he was asking for it, especially considering that he specified his desire to provoke "grammarians".

BTW, forget about Taco Bell; their food products aren't "hot" enough to recommend their version of a sense of humour to me.

"A flaw in the human character is that everyone wants to build but nobody wants to do maintenance." ~ Kurt Vonnegut