NationStates Jolt Archive

A man gets a phone call from the hospital. The doctor on the other end says "Sir, I'm afraid your wife's been in a horrible car accident. She's paralyzed and you'll have to feed her, wash her, and change her when she wets or poops on herself."
The man responds "My God, that's terrible" in a weepy choked up voice.
The doctor says "Relax, I was just messing with you. She's dead."

A man goes to his doctor to get a physical exam. Doctor says "I've got two pieces of bad news for you. First you've got cancer" The patient replies "Jesus, doc, that's pretty bad. What else is wrong?" "Well you've also got Alzheimers." says the doctor. So the patient says "Well at least I don't have cancer."

What do you call an insincere hippo?
A hippocrite.
How can you get a hippo to do whatever you want?
Try hipponotism.
How do hippos commute?
In a hippopotabus.

Three little boys are sitting by a tree talking about their dads.

"my dad is a football player he is so fast he can throw a pass from the 50 yard line and catch it in the endzone"

"oh, yeah?! well, my dad plays baseball and he is so fast that he can round the bases twice after he hits the ball"

"oh, yeah?! well, check this! my dad works for the government and he is so fast that he gets off work at 5p and is home by 3:30p"

:D

Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?

Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?

:p :p :p :p :p :p :p oh, I am going to share that one.

:p :p :p :p :p :p :p oh, I am going to share that one.

What's the integral of 1/cabin?

What did the doctor say to the patient?
You sick bastard!

(punny, don't you think? people very seldom appreciate this one:p)

What did the doctor say to the patient?
You sick bastard!

(punny, don't you think? people very seldom appreciate this one:p)

Firing one shot.

*Shoots DIF in the leg*

Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?

What's the integral of 1/cabin?

Eh? Eh?? Eh???

(this is a horrificly bad joke by the way)

A man walks in to a bar with a cat and an ostridge (sp?).

The waiter comes over and the man asks for a Duff, and pulls the exact change out of his pocket for it, the Cat says "I shall have your finest wine you petty working class peasent!". The ostridge does nothing.

A few hours later the man asks for another Duff. The waiter is amazed:

"thats the 15th Duff you've had :eek: , and you have had the exact amount of change for it every time!"

The man replies:"well, you see i found a guinie, and my first wish was for having the exact amount of change for everything"

The waiter says: "wow that was a really good Idea. Did your second wish turn out as good?"

Man: "No, my second wish was to have a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."

........
....................
........................
.............................. ....................... .................


........


..

.

:(

Firing one shot.

*Shoots DIF in the leg*That's it! I'm going to post a few more, that like the previous one was thought up by myself: (beware, these ones border being gutwrenchingly horrible, and I have gotten flamed for posting these at another forum)


Brace yourself!
I have had braces.


The drow have a funny religion; why? Well...
Lolth!


(note: Wheel of Time reference)
What does Lan fear?
Lanfear!

This thread is now irredeemable. *soaks thread with gas (or petrol, depending on where you live), and throws in a match.*


*seconds later, throws in a lit match*

This thread is now irredeemable. *soaks thread with gas (or petrol, depending on where you live), and throws in a match.*


*seconds later, throws in a lit match*

Awww man...there you go flaming threads again!:p

This thread is now irredeemable.<snip>Sadly, I have run out of suitable ones of my own, so I will now post a most excellent one that I once saw at KVR Audio:


What's brown and sounds like a bell?
DUNG!

Sadly, I have run out of suitable ones of my own, so I will now post a most excellent one that I once saw at KVR Audio:


What's brown and sounds like a bell?
DUNG!
Monty Python does it too.


What's brown and sticky?

A Stick!

A man walks into a bar on christmas and orders 4 beers. The bartender is surprised and says:

Bartender: "Four beers for yourself?"
The man replies: " You see I have 3 brothers and we all live in different parts of the world. We all promised each other that we would have a drink peer brother on christmas at our local pubs.
Bartender: Okay thats kinda nice.

This same event occurs for the next 4 years but on the fifth year the man only orders three beers:

Bartender: Only 3 beers this year? Did something happen?
Man: Yeah. I quit drinking.

Funny, no?

A guy stumbles up to the bar to order and starts talking to the guy beside him, as you do, 'Where are you from?', he asks. 'I'm from Ireland', 'Well by God, I'm from Ireland too! Let's drink to Ireland!', 'Let's indeed. What part of Ireland are you from?', 'I'm from Kerry', 'Jaysus, so am I! Let's drink to Kerry!'. They go on like this for a few hours. A new barman arrives for the next shift, and he asks the guy leaving what's been happening. 'Nothing much', he says, 'The O' Rourke twins are drunk again'.









Direct all complaints to moderation >.> <.<

Why did the koala fall out of the tree?

Because it died.

One day, a pedofile and a little boy are walking in a forest on a dark and rainy night. The little boy says, "I'm scared because it's dark and rainy." The pedofile says, "How do you think I feel kid, I have to walk home tonight."

What's E.T short for?

Cos he's got little legs!:D

A Scotsman at a pub tells his mate "Jock, this saturday next I'll be in me kilt, I am going to wed muh wee lass!"

"Aye?" sez Jock "What's the tartan?"

"She will be the one in white."

A guy walks into a bar and orders five whiskeys. The bartender pours them out and watches the man down them one after the other. When all five are gone the barman asks: "What on earth makes you drink that heavily?" The man looks at the Bartender and replies: "I had oral sex for the first time today." The barman smiles and pours another whiskey. "This one's on the house mate, for your achievment."

The man smiles back quizically. "If the first five didn't take the taste out of my mouth what use is this one going to be?"

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially & realistically?" The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars." "Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?! "

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on Three Million Dollars...but Realistically....we're living with two sluts and a queer. :p

Pope John Paul II gets to heaven and is greeted at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter.

“Welcome my son,” says St. Peter, “you’ve done so much wonderful work for the Church while on Earth. Is there anything we can do for you, any favour to reward you for your service to God?”

“Well,” says John Paul, “I’ve always wanted to see the first form of the Bible; to examine the original text.”

“Of course!” replies Peter, who leads the Pope to a small room with a dusty old parchment sitting on a lecturn. “Feel free to leaf through it, I’ll be back in a while.” says Peter, leaving the room.

After a while, Peter hears a horrible shriek from inside the room, and rushes in to investigate. “What’s the matter?” he cries.

John Paul turns round, looking aghast: “The word was celebrate!”

Why do the ladies love Jesus Christ?

Because he's hung like this (make appropriate arm movements, dodge punch to the jaw).

A man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of vodka. He then starts downing them quick-smart one after another.
The barman says, "You ought to be careful and not knock them back so fast"
The guy replies, "You'd drink this fast if you had what I've got"
The barman asks, "Why? What have you got?"
The guy checks his pockets, "Ohhh...about a buck 50"

Why do snorkeler's always jump backwards off of a boat?









Because if they jumped frontwards they would land in the boat!

C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're a minor and the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "You're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural.

Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental. The judge rules that all contrary motions are bassless.

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices
a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off
the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by
her dog and her cat.

The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice
fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.

"Thanks" the girl says. The firefighter looks a little closer and notices
the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little Partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to
run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too,
I think you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I
wouldn't have a siren."

How to have fun at the shooting range:
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v488/derek45/funny/bad-job.jpg

C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're a minor and the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "You're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural.

Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental. The judge rules that all contrary motions are bassless.


What do you get if you drop a piano down a mineshaft?

A flat miner

Rabbi walks into a bar with a frog on his shoulder.
He walks up to the bartender, and the bartender says "Hey Buddy, where'd ya get that?"

The frog says "Brooklyn...theres hundreds of em!"

A flasher wearing only an overcoat and boots hides and waits in the bushes beside a path in central park. By and by a Jewish mother strolls down the path and the flasher jumps out in front of her and opens his overcoat. The Jewish mother stops looks and says "You call THAT a coat lining?"

The charity representative calls a meeting with the town's richest man, a highly successful lawyer.
"Our records show you haven't donated any money to charity. Why is that?" the representative asks.
"Do your records show that my brother is a disabled veteran and in a wheelchair?" shoots back the lawyer.
"Well..."
"And do your records show that my octogenarian mother is terminally ill and permanently bedridden?"
"I'm..."
"And do your records show that my sister's husband died in a car accident, leaving her penniless with three children?" the lawyer finishes in triumph.
Very embarassed, the representative begins to stammer out an apology.
"... so, if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Dubya are cryogenically frozen and revived twenty years in the future. They are reading the newspaper together, and suddenly Ahmadinejad laughs.
"America is now an Islamic state!"
Unhappy, Dubya goes back to reading the paper, and suddenly he laughs. Ahmadinejad asks why.
"Skirmishes on the China-Israel border"

C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're a minor and the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "You're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural.

Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental. The judge rules that all contrary motions are bassless.
Thats brilliant!

There is this farmer who is having problems with his chickens. All of the sudden, they are all getting very sick and he doesn't know what is wrong with them. After trying all conventional means, he calls a biologist, a chemist, and a physicist to see if they can figure out what is wrong. So the biologist looks at the chickens, examines them a bit, and says he has no clue what could be wrong with them. Then the chemist takes some tests and makes some measurements, but he can't come to any conclusions either. So the physicist tries. He stands there and looks at the chickens for a long time without touching them or anything. Then all of the sudden he starts scribbling away in a notebook. Finally, after several gruesome calculations, he exclaims, 'I've got it! But it only works for spherical chickens in a vacuum.'

>.>

Allegedly a true story:

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked "So Bob, where's that 6 inches you promised me last night?"

Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard.

George Bush was in an airport and saw Moses. He walks over to the Holy man wanting a chat. Moses however keeps walking and ignores the President. After several failed attempts to stop and talk to him Bush says now see here I am the President of the United States and you will talk to me.

Moses responds: The last time I talked to a Bush I had to walk 40 years in the dessert!


enter laughs here

We need some dead baby jokes.

We need some dead baby jokes.

I don't have any new dead baby jokes, but this joke's pretty horrid.

A man walks into the drug store and says "I need some condoms for my 11 year old daughter." The druggist says "Jesus, your daughter is sexually active at 11?" The guy responds "No, she just lays there like her mother."

Allegedly a true story:

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked "So Bob, where's that 6 inches you promised me last night?"

Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard.

I've heard that one, only it was 8 inches. :D

Heisenberg and Schrödinger are driving down the autobahn.

Heisenberg exclaims, "I think you ran over a cat!"

"Is it dead?" Schrödinger asks.

Heisenberg answers, "I can't be certain."

We need some dead baby jokes.

Ask and ye shall receive.

What's red and silver and goes round and round in circles?

























































A baby with forks in its eyes, stuck in a revolving door.

I don't have any new dead baby jokes, but this joke's pretty horrid.

A man walks into the drug store and says "I need some condoms for my 11 year old daughter." The druggist says "Jesus, your daughter is sexually active at 11?" The guy responds "No, she just lays there like her mother."

Aw, man that is awful. :D

Ask and ye shall receive...

You're just enabling them, you do realize that? :p

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v488/derek45/funny/image001a.gif

Ask and ye shall receive.

What's red and silver and goes round and round in circles?





A baby with forks in its eyes, stuck in a revolving door.


Here I heard it was:

What's red and goes round and round?








A baby in a garbage disposal.

Here I heard it was:

What's red and goes round and round?








A baby in a garbage disposal.

There's worse.

What's grosser than gross?





An abulance full of dead babies.









What's grosser than an ambulance full of dead babies?









An ambulance full of dead babies with one live baby, eating his way to the top.

There's worse.

What's grosser than gross?





An abulance full of dead babies.









What's grosser than an ambulance full of dead babies?









An ambulance full of dead babies with one live baby, eating his way to the top.


What's blue and flies around the room at high speeds?







A baby with a punctured lung.

What's blue and doesn't move at all?

















A baby in a freezer bag.

What's blue and doesn't move at all?




A baby in a freezer bag.

What is pink and red and sits in a corner?







A baby chewing on razor blades.



What is green and sits in a corner?








The same baby, six weeks later.

What's worse than finding 7 dead babies in 1 trash can?













Finding 1 dead baby in 7 trash cans.

Dead baby jokes are disgusting. Really. I've nearly vomited several times from reading these. :( :mad: :( :mad:

Dead baby jokes are disgusting. Really. I've nearly vomited several times from reading these. :( :mad: :( :mad:

I'm sorry you feel that way. Perhaps you'll get a tougher hide after reading them.

Besides, it is often jokes that people find insulting or sick that are often the funniest. :)